Trying to move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all!  I am thankful that I found this site. I have been out of my r/s for 7 months and it's time I figured out how to fully move on. I had been holding on to some bs false hope thinking that she would come back to me. But that is not the case and I am not going to sit around waiting any longer. It's difficult but why should or would I continue to give someone my love energy when they have no love for me in return?  This is something that I am working on in therapy and am hoping to figure out. I have come to realize that I have had 3 r/s's with women who have had PD's. I thought that I was the one who was effed up, not saying I'm I don't have my own issues (codependent) but I had always beaten myself up for not being good enough or loving enough. Anyway, some eye opening lessons.     I am on this site constantly reading everyone's stories and it all breaks my heart. In my process of "letting go" I'm gonna take some time away from this site. I really need to move on and this might be keeping me stuck. I wish you all, all the luck and love in your paths. Thank you!

[PaticAttack]

Hello all!  I am thankful that I found this site. I have been out of my r/s for 7 months and it's time I figured out how to fully move on. I had been holding on to some bs false hope thinking that she would come back to me. But that is not the case and I am not going to sit around waiting any longer. It's difficult but why should or would I continue to give someone my love energy when they have no love for me in return?  This is something that I am working on in therapy and am hoping to figure out. I have come to realize that I have had 3 r/s's with women who have had PD's. I thought that I was the one who was effed up, not saying I'm I don't have my own issues (codependent) but I had always beaten myself up for not being good enough or loving enough. Anyway, some eye opening lessons.     I am on this site constantly reading everyone's stories and it all breaks my heart. In my process of "letting go" I'm gonna take some time away from this site. I really need to move on and this might be keeping me stuck. I wish you all, all the luck and love in your paths. Thank you!

[Turkish]

What are you doing to help in letting go?

[Mutt]

Hi PaticAttack,

I hope that you reconsider. Yes it can be hard to read others posts when you’re distressed. I’d suggest to share when it feels right for you. Everyone’s story lumped together may sound hopeless I think that being in a group of people that understand your struggles gives you strength. Above all, take really good care of yourself.

[Skip]

This is something that I am working on in therapy and am hoping to figure out. I have come to realize that I have had 3 r/s's with women who have had PD's. I thought that I was the one who was effed up... .

It's important to explore why that is. Either here or with your therapist.

It's not about who was "effed up" - its about understanding what you connect to in these relationships and shifting to a healthier model.

[hope2727]

I hope you stay and continue to post. I know I left for a time but wandered back as it was so helpful to be someplace understood and accepted. I have appreciated your posts.

[Cire155]

In my process of "letting go" I'm gonna take some time away from this site. I really need to move on and this might be keeping me stuck. I wish you all, all the luck and love in your paths. Thank you!

Nothing wrong with taking some time to clear your mind and get things in order. We all get through this healing process different and there is no "one cure all" remedy. I took some time away from this site once I started to heal. At times I thought of this site as being counter productive because I kept reading more stories and thinking about my situation. It kept the hurt in my mind that I was slowly getting over. I'm 100% better now and I can relate to what you mean. I come back periodically to let people know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and to give whatever advice I can give. I feel it's only right to be there for someone else because the experience we have gone through is like no other. Take some time away bro and come back when you are ready and give us the updates. Take care

[Bo123]

Bravo for seeing a T.  I think the co-dependency issue is the 1st priority, that is nasty stuff and doesn't let you see the next BPD.  Once that clears you can avoid them like the plague.  Take break from r/s.  Read books like walking on eggshells and co-dependency.  Make yourself the #1 priority, get yourself straight and you will see what you might have done in a previous situation and pass it up and wait for one that doesn't have all the red flags.  It starts with you and your T will likely deal with the co-dependency 1st, get yourself clean and find good partners to consider.  Good luck my friend, you deserve it.

[PaticAttack]

Thank you all for the reply's!  I am still struggling at the letting go! 

Skip: I just recently realized this.  I did realize that one of my ex's has NPD after reading an article on it.  It was like a light went off and helped me realize that I wasnt all the blame like she had put on me.  I stayed in that r/s for about 5 years, on and off, push and pull.  I also made the connection to a r/s many many years ago who I thought was schizophrenic but now after learning about BPD thats what I think fits.  Anyway, yes, I am trying to figure that out about myself.  My mother had very bad relationships as I was growing up.  I had always blamed her partners but am realizing that she played the victim in most of them.  She was also not as nurturing and I see how I am looking for that fulfillment for my partners.  I am also the caregiver type and have co-dependent tendencies.  I've struggled with self worth issues as well and drug and alcohol addiction.  Off drugs for about a year and am working on cutting the drink out as well.  I also have abandonment issues and have a hard time with rejection.  I am honestly not as bad as all of this sounds.  I've learned very valuable lessons from all the r/s that I have had and have worked on growing from them and learn from my mistakes.  Getting into therapy has been wonderful, I was told to feel my emotions and have compassion on them.  That was the 1st time I "heard" that and it was life changing. 

This past r/s was very short but I had also never truly felt that in love and got by someone before.  I thought she was my soul mate.  She also reached into a very old deep wound that I thought was healed, and it may have been, but she sure as heck knew where to find it and cut it back open.  I wouldnt change anything from the experience.  She saved my life!  I also realized that I have a lot of love to give and receive to a partner.  Its just hard letting go of the fantasy that she was.  I also have issues with my mother picking men over me as a kid, and when someone I date picks someone over me, I loose my crap!  I go to a very dark place.  And of course she overlapped me with another person before we broke up.  She is still with her, longer than we were together.   I am doing better that I was when this 1st started, I am mostly healed.  Im just still stuck on things that are going to take more time to get unstuck from. 

All in all, I am doing well.  I have my bad days, I get drunk thinking I can have just one drink then wake up mad at myself for not being able to control how much I pour down my throat.  Today is a new day and a new day to try it again and trying to get myself to realize that I can not just have one drink.
Anyway, thank you all for the support and the kindness!  It is much appreciated!

Patic

[Turkish]

Hey Patic,

We welcome you on the Coping and Healing from a family member board if you want to join us there to discuss the past further.

Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Suffering from BPD

I started here,  then ended up there to bookend my life thus far,  so to speak. It helped.

T

[Tobiasfunke]

“This past r/s was very short but I had also never truly felt that in love and got by someone before.  I thought she was my soul mate.  She also reached into a very old deep wound that I thought was healed, and it may have been, but she sure as heck knew where to find it and cut it back open.  I wouldnt change anything from the experience.  She saved my life!  I also realized that I have a lot of love to give and receive to a partner.  Its just hard letting go of the fantasy that she was. “

I feel I am as over my exBPDw as I will ever be. I went very long time following my divorce before getting into a new relationship. The first real  relationship I was in following my divorce was a fairytale. I literally could have written the above. It was a really a perfect relationship and as perfect an ending as anyone could want. I went many months following its end before wading into the dating world. I am trying to move on from it now. I wish you the best Patic trying to move ahead in your journey. I understand trying to distant yourself from the site. Staying away from those recent break up boards as they can stir up some not so pretty thoughts. This site has been a godsend and is here when you need it. I would not consider my most recent relationship a failure in any sense but it did open up old wounds. I hope these feelings I have for last gf subside as I use the tools I be learned from here to move on and heal.  I hope I won’t need it again but this site feels like a safe place to crash land for a person with our particular set of issues.