Missing my beautiful deeply pained love

[ColdSummer]

After three years together, two of them very hard, I've left the woman I was certain was the love of my life. In a dark place now, as I can't tell what parts of what we had were "real" - far worse than breaking up after growing apart, I don't even know now whether we really connected in the first place. I'm also so worried about what life will have in store for her, and incredibly hurt by all that's happened. I want to call her and tell her I love her; I want to hit myself for accepting so much that was unacceptable.

Reading about BPD has explained so much of what happened between us, but it also leaves me feeling deeply sad. Where was my girl in amongst it all?

[fontinalis]

Welcome to the family, ColdSummer! I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation. I have been going through a lot of the same emotions as my 13 year marriage is breaking up. As nons, I don't think the relationship will ever makes sense on our terms. I think you may be experiencing some fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). But you didn't cause her condition, you can't control it, it's not your job to cure it (you can't), and you definitely do not deserve to be abused. It may be helpful to accept that she is incapable of loving in the same way you are, and to have love and compassion for her from a distance. I wish you well on the long road to recovery from this awful situation!

[Mutt]

Hi ColdSummer,



I want to join fontinalis and welcome you to the family.

How long have you been apart? A lot of us here are the caretaker type, including myself I completely understand worrying about how the ex is going to fare. She probably survived years before she met you? She’ll be Ok. I mentioned caretakers and we often think about other people needs and neglect ours.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. Shift your focus from her and focus on taking really good care of yourself. I also understand how comfusjng the past three have probably been for you. It’s going to take time to sort through your story we’re here to help you piece it together. It’ll take time but eventually you’ll process your experience and move forward. Hang in there.

[ColdSummer]

Fontinalis and Mutt - thank you, really thank you.

I feel like I'm in the midst of a nightmare, and all I want to do is read the posts on this site. But to get responses to my own from people who understand - "we're here to help you piece it together" - that's the most empathetic thing I've heard yet (friends and family are fabulous, but they can't understand), and this moment feels like a lifeline.

I shall continue to read this site cover to cover (obsessive but it fills the hole for now).

And I hope you're both going okay - how long have you each been working through this?

[Mutt]

I’ve been out of it for a while, I come and help because this forum really changed my life, I just want others to have the same chance.

My r/s was 7 and a half years she left me for another man in early 2013. I didn’t know about BPD until early summer of that year. I’d say things finally stabilized in the last couple of years the last year was really when

I felt I was ready to  get back into a r/s. I’ve been seeing a woman for a few months and I didn’t think I’d ever get back into a r/s when my uBPDw left me. I shared similar feelings because I felt like I was stuck due to a deep connection with my uBPDw.

[ColdSummer]

Thanks so much for sharing Mutt, I really appreciate it.

How do you feel about that deep connection you had with your ex now, if you don't mind me asking? I genuinely can't tell if any part of my devotion to her is healthy, and if not, what that means for what I had thought was the most meaningful experience of my life. And how the hell am I supposed to trust myself to know what healthy love is supposed to feel like?

I wish I could fast forward and see the perspective I will have with the benefit of much time and space.

Also I hope you're really proud of seeing someone again, that's huge.

[Mutt]

Hi ColdSummer,

I was thinking about this last night as I was leaving my gf’s place emotional intensity vs emotional intimacy. You hear it often on the boards how members are hooked on the intensity of the behaviour and push / pull behaviour.

My r/s with my gf is polar opposites to what my r/s with my wife was. What I appreciate is the stability I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells and we can talk about our feelings, I’m not worried about triggering my ex fir the slightest thing that could be perceived as rejection.

Another difference is I give as much as I get a romantic r/s where it’s reciprocal makes you feel loved and not exhausted, anxious or depressed. Emotional intimacy is better than intensity because I think that it lasts longer if you work at it it’s nice just to let your walls down and just be yourself and not worry about being stacked or upset by your partner. Here’s a list on characteristics of a healthy r/s.

Author: 
R. Skip Johnson

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[Jeffree]

Where was my girl in amongst it all?

Who knows? Really, this is virtually impossible to answer. She doesn't even know this for sure.

HOWEVER, more importantly is: Where were you amongst it all? What was truly going on for you every step along the way?

I know. There you were reacting to and experiencing something that was very real to you, and now that it is gone you are questioning its validity because clearly if it was real and valid then it wouldn't be over so quickly.

So you're left to wonder what was that all about? Was it ever what you thought it was, or did you make it all up? Did she really feel what she said she was feeling in the beginning, and when did it all change?

The questions are endless. It's maddening.

The thing is that it's not all or nothing, or black and white. It is both at the same time. The profound, beautiful, and incredible love you experienced was real but also unsustainable. It happened in a way that made it seem as though it would last forever, yet it didn't.

You two were in a small passenger plane of love soaring into the atmosphere, only to be crushed by the pressure once you climbed too high.

That's the nature of BPD relationships--higher highs and lower lows.

I'm sorry you're feeling down about this. It gets better.

J