I have been regressing lately, can't sleep, not good

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know why. It's been over 4 months since I've seen her, no contact for more than 3. At first I was numb with shock, then I fell into deep darkness from which I slowly, slowly crawled out of, started feeling a bit stronger, had a decent Christmas holiday with family, and now I am slipping back into the darkness.

My mind is remembering all the good about her, and I try to replay the bad. I've tried to make myself hate her in order to get past this, but in reality I think I still love her. It's an awful realization. I don't heal well from breakups, and I am starting to feel like I never want to date again, that it won't last and it's too painful. This all seems so pitiful for a grown man who is so strong in so may ways. I hate love.

[crushedagain]

I don't know why. It's been over 4 months since I've seen her, no contact for more than 3. At first I was numb with shock, then I fell into deep darkness from which I slowly, slowly crawled out of, started feeling a bit stronger, had a decent Christmas holiday with family, and now I am slipping back into the darkness.

My mind is remembering all the good about her, and I try to replay the bad. I've tried to make myself hate her in order to get past this, but in reality I think I still love her. It's an awful realization. I don't heal well from breakups, and I am starting to feel like I never want to date again, that it won't last and it's too painful. This all seems so pitiful for a grown man who is so strong in so may ways. I hate love.

[ynwa]

Hey There Crushed.

It is entirely normal to feel down, sad, and a few other words.  It is.  The key to realize is that you are "feeling" these things.  They are not "you".  They are your reactions to an idea or thing.  Getting through or past a relationship is hard.  There is no easy way. But... .  You are the one that has to push through these "feelings" right?   Be easy with them, see them for what they are and let them pass.  When it feels like its enough, move yourself to a good feeling.  Anything will work, even if for a second.   Think of a good pizza, a swim through warm calm waters, a bike ride down a steep hill.   Those feelings are as real as what you are going through.

There is no real end point in this.  You will feel better then worse, happy then sad.  But you are going to get through it.  Believe that.  BE the change you want, if even a little bit at a time.  Stand up right now and smile, think of a good happy thought, anything. 

I know its hard, I have been there, we have all been there.  It gets better.  But you have to accept that.  You do have to change your thinking.  No one is good a breakups.  No One.  But you cannot let yourself say over and over, I am horrible at this so I must suffer right?

You are grieving, and that means a lot of emotions.  They will all pass through you.  See them, and then understand that they pass.  Holding on to them, is just going to weigh you down. 

You say its pitiful for a grown man to feel these things?   why?  perhaps try to start your thinking with it Hurts Now, but it wont hurt later.   Starting to date again is scary NOW, but not later.

Be easy on yourself, and let yourself relax.  Do something fun.  For you... .   does that make sense?

[Mutt]

Hi crushedagain,

Have you talked to a GP or an MD about not being able to sleep?

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the responses. The lack of sleep has been exacerbating things, and no I haven't talked to anybody about it, yet. I was able to sleep last night, if only for 6-7 hours, but that is much better than the 3-4 I was averaging for nearly a week. I do not do well without sleep, and I will have to see somebody if that doesn't improve.

This breakup has really put a damper on my productivity as I fight the depression which resulted. Small things seem like large chores. Without going into detail, my entire life's plan changed with her departure. We had much planned, and when she just slipped out on me it really affected and changed a lot of things. I'm now left trying to craft a new plan, but I don't even think I can right now, so I feel stuck.

[Mutt]

Self care is really important in general and especially important when we’re feeling stressed. Have thought about talking ti a doctor about depression?

[crushedagain]

I haven't thought about that, Mutt, because I'm just not comfortable going to the doctor in general, and to talk about something so personal with a stranger is well beyond what I'd feel comfortable doing. I had a hard enough time posting here. In fact, I still have worry that "she" will see it. I tend to keep everything inside.

[Jeffree]

I tend to keep everything inside.


Regarding the sleeplessness... .I was going to suggest that there's something unresolved for you going on before reading this.

This may or might not have to do with your ex.

Try to figure out what triggered this slip back into the darkness, and see what you can do to resolve it.

I suspect a good hand written letter to the trigger, THAT YOU DO NOT SEND, could work wonders.

J

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crushed, Instead of seeing a professional, have you considered processing your feelings in some other fashion, such as talking to a close friend or family member, writing in a confidential journal for your eyes only, practicing mindfulness, taking a walk in the woods, doing art or playing a musical instrument, sitting with your feelings and just observing, or getting a good physical workout?  It's normal to have sad feelings after a breakup, particularly with someone w/BPD.  The key, in my view, is to acknowledge those feelings (which you are doing by posting here) and then do something to process them.  Worth a try?  You might experience relief.

LJ

[once removed]

My mind is remembering all the good about her, and I try to replay the bad. I've tried to make myself hate her in order to get past this, but in reality I think I still love her. It's an awful realization.

i tried this too. it didnt work for the same reasons. i would gently challenge that this need be an awful realization, it just is what it is, and thats something you can work with.

its natural to miss, to continue to love, someone we have loved, and shared so many moments and dreams with.

i felt somehow weak or messed up that i continued to have any positive feelings toward my ex. it got a lot easier on me when i let go of that. i started to mourn and to grieve, and that is ultimately the way through.

I don't heal well from breakups, and I am starting to feel like I never want to date again, that it won't last and it's too painful. This all seems so pitiful for a grown man who is so strong in so may ways. I hate love.

i always took breakups badly myself. in fact i took a solid three years off of dating before i met my ex, because i was heartbroken, i didnt trust my own judgment, and i was afraid to be hurt again. and then i was.

find a good framework (i recommend the lessons to the right side of the board) for grieving and mourning, and work it. youll gain a lot of insight into yourself and "how you grieve" in the process. use tried and true grieving tools as you go. this will make you more self aware, and much stronger the next time life hits you with something that really sucks. eventually you will look back on this as the turning point where you learned to heal, and to cope, where you went from survivor to thriver, and youll know you can take on the world.

and we will walk with you every step of the way.

PS

I haven't thought about that, Mutt, because I'm just not comfortable going to the doctor in general, and to talk about something so personal with a stranger is well beyond what I'd feel comfortable doing.

i felt/feel the same way, and it took me a while, but i did see a doctor. you dont have to get too personal. you can say youre interested in trying anti depressants or sleep meds (if you are), and you can tell him your symptoms like your interrupted sleep schedule.

failing that, there are lots of great, highly effective supplements you can try as well.

[WarOfRoses]

You are going through heartbreak. The only healer is time. I found that talking to people about it helps. Eating well and exercise is a must. There is nothing worse than moping around the home thinking about it.

DO NOT USE ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE FEELINGS.

It doesn't feel like it now as you are still in the woods but you will be ok soon it just takes time.

I truly believe every person should go through heartbreak at least once in life. Its a very good life lesson.

[crushedagain]

Thanks for the replies. I know it's heartbreak as I've been through it before, but this is on a different level due to the nature of the relationship, something I've never before experienced.

[crushedagain]

I still feel miserable lately. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I miss her terribly and I am not sure why I am having this setback right now. I don't know how to get her off my mind. It's terrible to have loved a woman who just threw it all away like this. I am not looking for pity, I just have to write this somewhere, knowing there are others here going through the same thing.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally know what you are experiencing. Here are some things that help me.

1) long outdoor walks ... .the fresh air knocks me out.
2) music lessons... .weird I know... .For various reasons weekly music lessons have helped my mood and as a consequence my sleep.
3) white noise ... .one of those ambient noise machines knocks me right out it has rain and ocean sounds and it seems to not only out me to sleep it keeps me asleep
4) counselling... .finding a qualified therapist helped me work out that I was experiencing PTSD and not losing my marbles.
5) sleeping at a friend's house... .for some reason hotels and other people's houses result in sleeping like a rock (I did once wake up and think a coat rack with coats on it was Darth Vader standing over me but hey once I realized where I was all was good 
6) Friends threw me a "sleep over" with entirely to much laughter and wine and food and that reset my sleep clock for months. They have actually done it twice over 4 years and for some reason staying up late laughing and drinking wine and being surrounded by friends who stayed over totally solved my sleep issues for several months afterward. I think the emotional release was just a way to reset me no matter what emotion I let out.
7) New locks, new security, new roommate with big scary dog. Nothing like feeling safer in my own home to point out how scary things had really gotten.
8) new sheets... .it helped to "remake" my bed without his mojo there.

Ok well maybe you can do a few of these things to help push you past this phase. Let us know how you are doing.   

[crushedagain]

Thank you, hope. I am trying some of those things. I am having a hard time motivating myself right now. When I go out somewhere I just can't wait to turn around and go home. I don't feel like being social, I almost feel paranoid. It's weird. I think it's the anxiety and the feeling of dread and impending doom which is messing with me. It is ridiculous how painful this has been. And I find my mind playing tricks on me, remembering the good things about her and wanting her back, almost like a drug addict who is craving a fix. I did love her, and I might still. Groan... .

[pest]

Thank you, hope. I am trying some of those things. I am having a hard time motivating myself right now. When I go out somewhere I just can't wait to turn around and go home. I don't feel like being social, I almost feel paranoid. It's weird. I think it's the anxiety and the feeling of dread and impending doom which is messing with me. It is ridiculous how painful this has been. And I find my mind playing tricks on me, remembering the good things about her and wanting her back, almost like a drug addict who is craving a fix. I did love her, and I might still. Groan... .

I think you really should get professional help. I was in very similar situation. I knew that I have adhd which also triggers these feelings and depression. My doctor gave me only 2 meds, one of them a med which helps to sleep.

Omg it changed everything for me. It was very hard to go to sleep and being not sleeped well and ate well makes you even more depressed.

If you are not able to solve this by yourself then you should see a doctor. After you may have time to consider your relationship.

And if you are using, dont use alcohol at all. Alcohol is a very bad depressant.

Hope you will do great, I know it is hard when will you get put from depression your emotions wont be overwhelming like before.

[crushedagain]

I don't self medicate, and I don't think any drugs are the answer for me. I will get through this, it's just very hard right now. I have an extremely difficult time with breakups, and this one has special circumstances.

[once removed]

how do you feel about supplements? i had a lot more benefit, and more noticeable benefit from them than drugs. they made me feel naturally stronger, like it was how my body was supposed to feel, and everything else became easier to deal with.

[crushedagain]

how do you feel about supplements? i had a lot more benefit, and more noticeable benefit from them than drugs. they made me feel naturally stronger, like it was how my body was supposed to feel, and everything else became easier to deal with.

That's something I'd like to look into. I take very good care of my body, try not to eat junk, etc., but some supplements might be a good thing.

[truthbeknown]

Crushed again,

I feel like you and I are on the same timeline.  I made it through the holidays and seemed to be accepting of the fact that she was dating another man even though it was so soon after we had been apart.  I posted in the other thread about hypersexuality topic to describe why things ended so intensely for me if you want to read that one.  But the bottom line is I can totally relate.  I have always been a good sleeper and now i wake up in the middle of the night with visions of her having sex with the new man.  I feel like i am being tortured every night.  I'm tired of having these images.  In addition i've lost alot of hair from the stress which makes me think if she saw me again that it would justify her not wanting to be with me because i'm not attractive anymore.  My self esteem is in the toilet, I cry alot when i'm alone but it comes in waves.  I was doing alot better until a week ago. It's a long story and since this is your thread i will only share if you think that it would benefit you from me describing my journey or situation specifics.  But in a nutshell- i regressed this past week too and so i feel your pain.  I think that fact that there are some events like the superbowl and her daughters bday really triggered me. I went on her fb page to look at pictures of her daughter's bday celebration and there was a picture of her and her kids at the new guys apartment.  I am haunted now.  Her getting her kids involved with this man so soon really hurts.  Her replacing behaviors feel very abusive to me or i feel abused because i hate the part of me that is still so attached to someone who hurt me so deeply.   I guess i'm sharing this to let you know that we are on the same timeline and you're not alone.   I still have hope that i will heal like the others have said and some days i feel better but i did regress too so i want you to know that others go through it.  sorry for your pain. 

[crushedagain]

Crushed again,

I feel like you and I are on the same timeline.  I made it through the holidays and seemed to be accepting of the fact that she was dating another man even though it was so soon after we had been apart.  I posted in the other thread about hypersexuality topic to describe why things ended so intensely for me if you want to read that one.  But the bottom line is I can totally relate.  I have always been a good sleeper and now i wake up in the middle of the night with visions of her having sex with the new man.  I feel like i am being tortured every night.  I'm tired of having these images.  In addition i've lost alot of hair from the stress which makes me think if she saw me again that it would justify her not wanting to be with me because i'm not attractive anymore.  My self esteem is in the toilet, I cry alot when i'm alone but it comes in waves.  I was doing alot better until a week ago. It's a long story and since this is your thread i will only share if you think that it would benefit you from me describing my journey or situation specifics.  But in a nutshell- i regressed this past week too and so i feel your pain.  I think that fact that there are some events like the superbowl and her daughters bday really triggered me. I went on her fb page to look at pictures of her daughter's bday celebration and there was a picture of her and her kids at the new guys apartment.  I am haunted now.  Her getting her kids involved with this man so soon really hurts.  Her replacing behaviors feel very abusive to me or i feel abused because i hate the part of me that is still so attached to someone who hurt me so deeply.   I guess i'm sharing this to let you know that we are on the same timeline and you're not alone.   I still have hope that i will heal like the others have said and some days i feel better but i did regress too so i want you to know that others go through it.  sorry for your pain. 

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry I missed this post. I have a hard time following this site as the notifications and everything is so tiny and nondescript. I am sorry for your pain, too.

I don't understand why, but I feel worse now than I did a few months ago. It's very odd. I think I'm coming to the realization that I have not seen her for 5 months, nor talked for 4, and it's really over. The finality is sinking in.

In the beginning I didn't much think or worry about her having sex with other guys, if that's what's going on (I have no idea and no social media), because I realize that she slept with men before me so it makes sense that she'd sleep with them after, but I guess that aspect stings a little when I think about it now because I wouldn't want to sleep with her anymore even if she tried to come back. To be devalued and thrown away, then to go back for what amounts to sloppy seconds for lack of a better term is really unappealing. I'm not sure I could even enjoy the sex.

All that being said, I am hurting. The nights are just brutal, still. I loved so much having her sleeping next to me. We did a lot of cuddling and watching movies, etc., more than I think I have with any other woman. There was a lot of intimacy. I feel empty after the loss of that. I am going through some big changes in life, too, and it's all very difficult. I hardly have any energy.

Feel free to post anything here, truth, it's not "my thread." It's for anybody to chime in.

[crushedagain]

A month since I started this thread and I am no better. I still think of her and miss her terribly and it will be 6 months next month since I've seen her. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. I am having some difficulties making decisions in other parts of my life, and I am dealing with excruciating loneliness in general. I do not think somebody such as myself is equipped to deal with such pain.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are in such terrible pain. The depth of your suffering is something I can totally understand. I can tell you however that it does get better with time. At 6 months I could barely function. I cried constantly. I slept for days. I was a wreck. You will heal. It was just a terrible wound and will take time.

[crushedagain]

Thank you, hope. I really appreciate it.

[Lucky Jim]

A month since I started this thread and I am no better. I still think of her and miss her terribly and it will be 6 months next month since I've seen her. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. I am having some difficulties making decisions in other parts of my life, and I am dealing with excruciating loneliness in general. I do not think somebody such as myself is equipped to deal with such pain.

Hey crushed again, I'm sorry you are in so much pain.  I think you are doing a healthy thing by acknowledging your feelings, rather than suppressing them.  In my view, it's a two-step process: first, acknowledge the feelings and, second, process them in some way.  How to process?  That's up to you, but here are some examples: talk to a close friend or family member; make an appointment with a T; take a walk in the woods; get physical exercise; write in a journal; sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  You get the idea.  The idea is to let the feelings flow through you like lightning through a lightning rod, which discharges electricity safely into the ground.  Does this make sense to you?

LuckyJim