Why would a woman so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship?”

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Skip:  Yup, in so many words I heard the same language in a recent breakup with my former GF, yet she doesn't suffer from BPD, so it was largely an amicable parting of the ways.

Thanks... .but i have to laugh at your name " lucky Jim"... .why do you call your self " lucky " if you in the same boat with me... becauase i feel more like " sabatoged mike " ... not " luck
y at all!

dumpsterdog: I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I predict that one day you will be grateful for detaching from your pwBPD, at which point you will be "Lucky Mike"!

LJ

[Lucky Jim]

Skip:  Yup, in so many words I heard the same language in a recent breakup with my former GF, yet she doesn't suffer from BPD, so it was largely an amicable parting of the ways.

Thanks... .but i have to laugh at your name " lucky Jim"... .why do you call your self " lucky " if you in the same boat with me... becauase i feel more like " sabatoged mike " ... not " luck
y at all!

dumpsterdog: I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I predict that one day you will be grateful for detaching from your pwBPD, at which point you will be "Lucky Mike"!

LJ

[dumpsterdog]

So, from all im reading it looks like that if you get started in a sexual relationship with a BPD female, you might as well resign your self to " this is only gonna be a mistress situation or a short sex affair"and leave it at that... .I mean honesty, If someone knew that before going  in, that non could then choose whether or not to get involved... .and actually , had i know that , i would have never started up with my ex... .we even had that conversation, and i told her that before having sex with her, i wanted to be sure it was going to be a monogmous r /s... and she had to be with me only... .had she said no... .i probably would not have gone there... .am i on track here... ?

[Mutt]

Hi dumpsterdog,

Every pwBPD. is a different person with different trsits, saying that all owBPD will have affairs is an over generalization. If I was in your shoes and I knew that my pwBPD was going to cheat, it’s easy to say that you wouldn’t get involved because you wouldn’t feel the pain that you’re feeling today. How many people would answer that question honestly? I say that because I’d be worried that I couldn’t get into a r/s.

Maybe she left because she was unhappy in the r/s? I completely understand how painful betrayal and affairs are painful i went through something similar. It hurt like hell the first three months, obviously it still hurt after that, it’s the reality of the situation that I couldn’t control anything that was really painful to me. My uBPDw only said once about a year and a half later that she was sorry for the way that she left.

If I stripped the cheating out and looked at what my r/s was it was unhealthy on both sides she has an attachment disorder and I think that’s the reason why these breakups are so difficult because of the nature of the disorder intimacy triggers it. Do you think that there were other reasons why the r/s wasn’t working?

[dumpsterdog]

yes i think there were numerouos other reaosns... hbonesty and tempers flaring fomr both of us were huge... there was no trust at all after the first year or so... .i tredi do let things go that upset me, but they were just under the surface and could fly off at a hair trigger because i was sevreatly still pissed abpout other things ... .she flat out sasy " i can never forgive you.and i wont "... .for me staying out etc... .but then i would argue " i only went out because you wwere being such a b----"... or because " you were locked in your room and wouldnt talek to me."

there were definatley other issues... .

but i tried and tried to get past them... .the other man was just the icing on the cake ... i know she had been searching for a replacemnet for about at least a year... .so i just kept tryinhg harder... .she had me wrapped around her finger and knew it... its all very twisted... .right now i hate her... .but still love heer too... .it's just debilitating

[AnuDay]

A lot of us have been there Dumpster.  You're not alone.  You are truly at the part right now where either you sink or you swim.  From what I have read, most of us here have thrived after the breakup.  You must re-invent yourself/re-find yourself.  Find what was lost when you gave up your life and your world for this woman.  You must rediscover who you are.  Yes, it will be a rough 2-3 months, but a lot of us have gone through it.  It's just part of the game.  And yes, I bet most of us after a certain amount of time realize that the blame was not all on the pwBPD.  Research "codependency" and read all that you can read on this site.  The keys are here. 

[Mikey26]

Absolutely, AnuDay. That's why I've been loathing myself since the b/u. If I'd been overjoyed with my life I would've even had fun earning her full respect. I was great when she was in a good mood. Lots of jokes, flippancy would never fail me and so on. But she'd put me off track when she wasn't ok. I'd literally freeze when her BPD got triggered. Stupid me. It looks so easy in hindsight. Aye, Mutt, they're all different people. But aren't you guys hugely surprised at how all of our BPD ex G/Fs seem to be so similar to each other? I read your stories and it feels as though I'm reading mine.

[AnuDay]

Yes, we were all surprised at first.  Even shocked!  For me it was a relief to see that others were going through the EXACT same things that I was going through.  For the first time I wasn't alone.  It was so reaffirming when I found this site and started reading the stories.  This site really saved my life and it will save yours too if you stay the course. 

[Lucky Jim]

You must re-invent yourself/re-find yourself.  Find what was lost when you gave up your life and your world for this woman.  You must rediscover who you are.  Yes, it will be a rough 2-3 months, but a lot of us have gone through it.

Agree, AnuDay.  What helped you to rediscover who you are?  I try to pay attention to small desires, the little things that engage me.  It could be a plaid flannel shirt that reminds me of my childhood;  It could be a song that intrigues me; it could be crossing paths with someone I find particularly attractive.  You get the idea.  When I come across these "golden threads," I stop and pull on them, to see where they lead.

LuckyJim

[dumpsterdog]

Good thoughts abound... and i still feel the tug of guilt and  can hear her voice saying ( what have you done with your life,? " as she begins to spout out her accomplishments ( many of which are twists and embellishment of the truth , such as " i paid off my house " ... which truthfully means, her ex husband and mother paid on the house for 26 years and then she made the final ten payments with money her mother left her at death and after she kicked her ex husband out of the house he spent most of his life buying )... .and then I go back to realizing just what a facade i was falling for... .and say a prayer, and remember that i was seduced by a Jezebel demon in the form of a women, who gave me exactly what i wanted >> >> > and then i have to just take responsibility for falling into the trap, and keep clawing my way out. Stream of consciousness comment i realize,,,but needed to put it in writing... .thanks for reading. But ... my point i undestand what you mean buy grabbing any thread of sanity that was my old self and holding on for dear life

[Husband321]

As yours had you drive 1700 miles just to hurt you, mine would be texting me all day, lovingly while was at work, just to arrive home to see she moved out and disappeared.   "Can't wait to kiss you all night", she would be texting, just to pull in and see she disappeared. Then would be "missing me" a week later.

My therapist put it another way.  She said the girl has major commitment issues. Nothing I can do differently to change that. 

But it's hard to just "sleep with them". Atleast mine would be making lifelong plans, professing love, apologizing profusely and promise to be the best wife ever if I would take her back. Then 3 months later same exact result. Simply disappear.