Can I fix my codependency?

[Yuu]

So how do you fix your codependency?


Moderator note: this post was split from this thread for a more targeted response.

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Yuu,

Good question. 

What's the toughest aspect of codependency in your experience?

heartandwhole

[Yuu]

Hii heartandwhole,

I think that would be missing them so much. Feeling so empty without them. Losing my sense of who I am.

[heartandwhole]

Hii heartandwhole,

I think that would be missing them so much. Feeling so empty without them. Losing my sense of who I am.

I have felt that way, too, Yuu. Who am I when I'm not "helping" others? Is my worth tied up in what I do for others, or who I am?

I think it may track back to messages we learned as children. I remember feeling responsible for my parents' feelings and wellbeing, especially my mother's.

Can you trace this back to anything from your family growing up?

If we learned to be codependent, we can unlearn it.  That's the good news.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Yuu]

Hii heartandwhole,

No I don't think I can trace it back to anything. I am the youngest in my family. So where should I start? What are the steps of unlearning it?

[livednlearned]

So how do you fix your codependency?

What a great question.  

You mention that you feel empty without someone, and lose your sense of who you are.

Sometimes healing begins with recognizing a feeling and then matching it to a similar one that you felt, and that you recognize from another relationship or relationships. Have you ever felt empty before?

Maybe as the youngest of 7 you had to work a little harder to get the kind of attention and validation you craved? When you didn't get it, did you feel empty? Did you feel that you had to become someone in order to get attention and validation?

LnL

[Yuu]

Livednlearned,

Yeah I feel so empty when we don't talk or when she doesn't reply fast or when her cellphone is off. I feel like who am I? And why am I here? What do I exist for if not talking to her and being with her?

I don't know about the other one though. Maybe I did want attention as a child. But right now I don't want any human contact. All I want is her like everything is tasteless.

[dumpsterdog]

I can definately trace back to the mom guilt thing... .the worst thing in the world is knowing " i have dissapointed my mother"... .so im sure that plays in dissapointing my " vixen " as well... .but how to get over it. is the question.

[livednlearned]

I feel so empty when we don't talk or when she doesn't reply fast or when her cellphone is off. I feel like who am I? And why am I here? What do I exist for if not talking to her and being with her?

I don't know about the other one though. Maybe I did want attention as a child. But right now I don't want any human contact. All I want is her like everything is tasteless.

I remember reading somewhere that it isn't necessarily what needs were unmet in childhood, it's what needs were unmourned.

It's a process to discover who we really are. Being able to be alone with ourselves, and to feel comfortable about who we are, separate from others, is a big journey. The biggest! I admire you for reaching out, and being vulnerable. It takes a lot of strength to be emotionally vulnerable and share how you feel. It's one of the first steps toward genuine emotional maturity.

In dialectical behavior therapy, there is something called opposite action. Instead of avoiding human contact when that's what you seem most comfortable with, what would happen if you spent time with other people? To at least pay attention to how your body feels, what feelings come up, how you respond.

Is that something you can do at the moment?

[Yuu]

livednlearned ,

actually it is something that I am forced to do as I have lessons to attend and brothers and sisters.

I don't want any human contact because it feels so heavy dealing with people right now ! after breaking up with my girlfriend.

Can I do something about missing someone so much and the emptiness ?the need for her ?

[DearHusband]

Yuu,

It's suppose to hurt. Don't wish it away. If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't have meant anything. Her absence has created a void that will fill in over time. Give yourself permission to grieve. At least for now.

Good luck,
DH

[Yuu]

DH,

I am not talking about the pain of missing her.I am talking about needing her as if she was the oxygen to me. I am talking about feeling so lost ... .

thank you for your response ,
Take Care

[heartandwhole]

Can I do something about missing someone so much and the emptiness ?the need for her ?

Try to realize that these feelings can't be "fixed" by her presence, even though I know it seems like they go away when she's around.

Try to feel them without attaching to the story in your head that the feelings are connected to her presence or absence. They are not. They show up in you, and you can learn to soothe them.

Are you able to just feel the sensations in your body, Yuu? Just physical sensations. What does this emptiness and need feel like in your body? Hot, cold, numb, sharp... .what words would you use?

heartandwhole

[Yuu]

Heartandwhole,

Cold Yes very very cold and numb. It as even if I am doing something filling my time with things and surrounded by family and friends who love me. Something is out of place. I am still feeling lonely. Everything seems so distant...

[Meili]

When I first separated from my x, I felt exactly as you describe. When I was alone, I felt like I did not exist in the world, but I did not want to be around anyone because it felt like it was more effort than I could provide. I could be in a room full of people, yet I felt completely alone in the world. I was on autopilot and just went through my days doing what I needed to do to survive and not much more.

Someone recommended a book called "The Knight in Rusty Armor" by Robert Fisher. One of the lessons in the book dealt with such feelings and being alone with ourselves.

It can be hard, painful, and scary, but it can also be one of the most profound and enlightening experiences if you embrace it.

[heartandwhole]

Cold Yes very very cold and numb. It as even if I am doing something filling my time with things and surrounded by family and friends who love me. Something is out of place. I am still feeling lonely. Everything seems so distant...

That's very difficult, Yuu. 

What do you usually do when you feel that way? How do you usually cope with the emotions?

For example, I tend toward withdrawing instead of reaching out for support from others. Some people get very busy, or distract themselves.

What about you?

heartandwhole

[Yuu]

Meili,

I looked for the book but I couldn't find it.

Heartandwhole,

I don't like reaching out to people. Or even any contact with them. But I must as I have studies and lessons.but I still feel alone with them.

I often spend my time reading our old chat and looking at her picture which I carry around with me.the only time when I partially forget about it is when I watch a series or something.(not romantic of course) but I can't do that all the time and I can't do it right now because of my studies.

I can't sleep actually even using sleeping pills. It takes me at least five hours in bed to sleep.

[Meili]

I am not, and the boards are not, recommending this vendor, but this is the book that I was talking about:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/knight-in-rusty-armor-robert-fisher/1122996396

If you read the stories of others here, you'll find that you are far from alone about finding it hard to sleep and ruminating all of the time. It's the norm when these types of intense relationships end. That is probably of little comfort right now, but it may help to know that we've been through it and it does get better.

Are you eating? Exercising? Meditating? What are you doing to take care of yourself?

One of the things that many of us have learned is that, even though it's hard, focusing on making sure that our needs are met helps a great deal. It takes our minds off the other person for a bit because we are focusing on ourselves.

By the way, I'm with you when it comes to not liking to reach out to others. It took me a long time to figure out why I don't like to do it. Do you have any idea why you don't?

[Yuu]

Meili,

Actually I have been very sick in the past few months and I stopped going to my training. And I still haven't went to the doctor to see why am I ill. So I can't eat probably. In fact I can live one day on a chocolate bar. And my lessons aren't giving me anytime to go to the doctor. And I am late in my studies because I was way too focused on her that I neglected them.

I don't think that I have the money to ship this book and it will take about two months or so.

[Meili]

Perhaps you can find it closer to you. I just wanted to be sure that you had the information if you decide to look for it.

I'm truly sorry that you have been ill for so long. That's gotta be horrible. Hopefully,you'll get an opportunity to see a doctor soon.

We had a member recently make a great suggestion regarding eating during stressful times when it just feels like we can't: have a cup/bowl of soup. Maybe that will help you.

When you say that you are focused on her, do you mean that you're thinking about the memories, or about what to do in the present?

[Yuu]

Meili,

When we were together I was talking to her 24/7 and when we weren't I was wasting time waiting for us to talk again. I often didn't go to a lesson or to my training to meet her or because I was up all night talking to her.

I don't think I have the energy to do that.

[Meili]

I hear ya. I had something like 70,000 emails with my x in 1.5 years. That doesn't even count the text messages, or even touch on the hours that we spent together. So, I know the void that the silence creates.

Before I figured out what a benefit the silence was, it was incredibly hard to deal with. I would sit, alone in my house, just waiting for the hours to pass. But, as I've said, it finally dawned on me that it was really a gift to have that time. It was the very thing that I needed to get her attention again.

[Yuu]

Meili, I don't really get the last sentence. But I knew the relationship wasn't healthy and that she took more time than she deserved. But it was me needing her not the other way around.

[Meili]

Yep, I felt that I needed my x's attention as well. For me, it felt like I needed her to make me feel like I had a purpose in life. It was smothering and overwhelming for her. This triggered her BPD traits and fears and started a spiral that doomed the relationship.

It was not until I started to learn that I am a complete, whole, and worthy person all by myself that I was able to start to make healthier changes in my life. It was those changes that made me attractive again to her. Also, because I wasn't smothering or being a doormat to her, it didn't trigger the BPD traits as much. The lines of communication became more open and we went from not having any contact for several months to trying to see if we could spend our lives together.

Can you see something like that might play out for you?

Have you been able to start to figure out why you feel that you need her? That is part of the key that will help you.

[Yuu]

Meili,

Do You really think that being confident and complete will change the relationship that much? I mean I never thought of it that way. I knew that I needed her too much and as you described she was my purpose in life. But did she feel insecure and uncomfortable because I was needing her too much? Because I made her feel like I am hopeless without her and she is the air that I'd die without? You think it suffocated her and pushed her buttons?

Also could you please give me your opinion on my last post?

[Meili]

People with BPD traits need strong people in their worlds. They live with very intense emotions, fears, and insecurities.

In my situation, my x was extremely insecure but tried to mask it in many ways. From what I've gathered, because of her insecurities, she was constantly afraid I would reject and abandon her. (We talked about all of this when I reconnected and tried to work things out.)

Because I was so enmeshed with her and she was constantly worried that I would reject her, she felt that she was under constant pressure to be something other than who she was. The pressure was triggering for her and caused a great deal of projection and raging.

When I started to change, she didn't feel so much pressure.

Yes, I do believe that your working to change how you are doing things will have an impact. It only takes one person to change the entire dynamics of a relationship.

[Yuu]

Meili, you have hope in your words. So what is the first step to fix my codependency or being enmeshed with her?

[Meili]

Of course, it's easier for me to say this than it is to do it, but you must detach with love.

The struggle to do this is something that I am intimately familiar with. I tried all sorts of things ranging from leaving myself notes of affirmation to read every day to putting myself in very uncomfortable situations so that I could gather enough evidence to truly believe that the world would not come to an end if something went wrong. (I had to build up to the latter though.)

Here's the thing, most of us find ourselves in these situations because we've been taught the wrong things. We learn these things from others. Because we've learned them, we can learn new things as well. When I was very young, someone told me that I was not worth being alive. That was reinforced throughout my life. I had learned that I was not worth being alive. I've had to learn that I am worth being alive. The only way for me to believe that was to tell myself over and over that I am.

Start small, start safe... .Have a plan... .

Can you come up with five or so affirmations that can remind yourself of every day?

[Yuu]

Meili, Can you please explain it more simply (my English isn't that good) and like tell me steps to do baby steps and I will follow through. I want to get rid of it as soon as I can.

What does affirmations mean? Sorry

[Meili]

Affirmations are simply the self-talk, things that we tell ourselves. When most people talk about affirmations, they are really talking about positive affirmations though. That's what I'm doing here. I'm talking about positive self-talk to help you learn to undue the negative things that you heard, learned, and accepted at some point in your past.

Each of us has a unique set of things that we learned, so your positive self-talk needs to be specific to fight against the negatives that you heard. There is an old thread HERE in which members share some of their experiences with positive affirmations.

Can you think of five, positive things that you can tell yourself daily (or several times a day) to combat the negatives that you tell yourself?

Unfortunately, co-dependency is something that we've learned over time and it takes a lot of time to learn new ways of dealing with life. It takes a lot of effort to look at our thoughts and actions and decide to do something differently. We have to retrain our brains to think differently and make different choices in the future.

May I ask why you think that you are co-dependent?