I loved my wife dearly. This is painful and so unjust.

[Artie]

I can't find my last post . So short recap. After an argument with my wife who has BPD, we've only been married five months but together for five years. I was locked out of the house, police called accused of threatening her, swearing she's was very upset, none of which occurred. I receive court summons , she's applied successfully for a non molestation order. I appear in court, magistrate not impressed with her application. Denies her request to have it extended but I do have to sign an undertaking to not contact or harass her. Her solicitor says she's divorcing me because of my violence and historical violence in our relationship!. I looked around the court wondering if I was in the right place. There is never room for anger in our relationship I tread very carefully. My statement to the court mentions her BPD her reply is that it's all in the past!

One week after the court appearance she moved out. Boy that was quick. So here I am after five months of marriage, she is menopausal and I think that's extremely significant, alone in our new home , we moved in 6 weeks ago. I can't contact her. As far as I know she's moved about 10 miles away renting a room . She works part time has a small teachers pension. I've been, stupidly, awaiting for an explanation. Had therapy yesterday and she says you are going to need support to detach as clearly you are a rescuer and when she is vulnerable and in distress you give in.

We've had break ups before. This is a notch up, calling the police and taking me to court over an argument?

My upset comes and goes, she's left stuff here that I'm sorting out, that doesn't help. I loved my wife dearly this is painful and well so unjust .

[hope2727]

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes it is a loss. You are allowed tp grieve what you had and thought you would have in the future. I am glad you have a therapist. You now know what she is capable of so be careful. You can have a happy healthy  life. You likely won't get an explanation. At least not one that makes any sense. Be gentle with yourself. You have sustained a terrible injury and will take time to heal.

[enlighten me]

Hi Artie

Your in a painful place at the moment (been there myself) a word of caution though. If she has already started accusations of abuse against you it will probably get worse during the divorce. Had a friend whos been arrested and interviewed for other things under caution all down to his exs accusations. Luckily he kept himself safe so no allegations stuck.

You need to safeguard yourself. One good thing is that your not allowed to contact her so that's one less minefield for you. Don't stalk her on social media as it wont look good if she accuses you of stalking and the police see you have been. Document every little interaction. Get a diary and if she tries to call or text you make note of it. If you start receiving calls from an unknown number log them. If people start having a go at you for things shes said log it. It all builds a picture of you doing nothing and them stirring things up.

Don't think sentimentality will make them behave. My ex wife did things I'd never in a million years think her capable of. Tried bankrupting me and having me live in a tent. Told so many lies and hired the dirtiest lawyer in the area who pulled every dirty trick he knew on me.

[Speck]

Hello, Artie.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, and I hate to hear that you've been humiliated by being accused of acting out in violence towards your wife, when that's not what happened. That must be a real tough one to swallow.

I'm sure that when you married your wife, you didn't know you were signing up for all that.  The way you describe your relationship ending is certainly unjust, and I can understand how you can feel that way.

We're here to listen if you find it helpful to talk it out. 

Day by day... .take good care of you.


-Speck

[Turkish]

Artie,

Your last thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293309.msg12758532#msg12758532

This can help: FAQ

I would agree with you that menopausal changes are likely a factor.

As enlighten me said, document. Do you know what your legal risk is of she reaches out to you? We've had members served Protective Orders contacted; members responded,  then gotten into legal trouble.

I'm sorry that she went so extreme,  but to protect yourself,  I'd find out what your options are.  I can't guess what she will do,  but we've seen these situations, and she might indeed contact you.  What you are your thoughts?

T