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Author Topic: I might be pregnant and am worried about BPD heritability  (Read 407 times)
She

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: February 16, 2018, 04:08:45 AM »

I'm a psychology student, my mum's a therapist and my dad's a writer (human behaviourist). I think all these factors have contributed to me becoming and remaining involved with unstable personalities. I find a lot of my friends will withdraw from unstable people and label them as 'crazy, scary etc' whereas I tend to view them on the other spectrum as lost and need saving/support etc.

Needless to say I become involved with some quite volatile people and in dangerous situations. I've experienced the suicide attempts and death threats that are sadly part of the territory with these types of relationships. I have always had very emotionally charged relationships. I sustained one for 9 years with someone that I would suggest is a high functioning BPD. It wasn't until another relationship ended last year, that I began to realise that I have always dated borderlines. His behaviour was so extreme and paranoid that I ended up researching it, as it was obvious that he was displaying strong detachment issues. The object permanency reaction was very extreme and he was in the marine corps so to see a very outwardly strong male react so distressed over a minor incident (minor in my eyes, obviously not to him) was upsetting.

I realised that he had BPD and asked him to see a counsellor, we were in a long distance relationship and I could not maintain it. He projected many issues on to me and viewed me as his ex girlfriend in the devaluation phase. His level of paranoia meant that our relationship could not recover as we was unable to view me as anything other than some form of spy. He made inferences that he thought I was using him for some kind of experiment. Our relationship ended for the third and final time in September last year. I was quite confused and depressed by it for a long time, as the relationship itself was very tumultuous and I felt guilt for not 'being perfect' or whatever conditions I had placed on myself for not maintaining the relationship.

In January this year, I happened to meet another borderline male. He was very intense and interesting, as they usually are and I asked him point blank if he had BPD and he said yes and despite my past history we started dating. He has recently been checked out of a psychiatric unit for depression and has extreme anti-authority issues, he has been to court over 40 times. I am concerned at the moment, that I might be pregnant and am worried about the ramifications in term of heritability with the child. Has anyone here had a child with a BPD (I do find them fixated with trying to get my pregnant despite my objections - I am not on the pill for medical reasons and I find remembering to use condoms on every occasion quite difficult). Has the child shown any attachment issues that you are aware of?

My current BPD partner swings very much to his ex-girlfriend and I am happy to raise the child alone. Just wondering if anyone had similar experiences. I do not feel that he would be dangerous to me or the child, but he is definitely territorial and aggressive toward other males. I have also wondered with my history whether I display high functioning BPD as a quiet one. I am not sure though and am seeing a therapist about it shortly.
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Tattered Heart
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2018, 09:35:59 AM »

Hi She Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that your past relationships have been so unstable. All of my ex-relationships were toxic too, in some way or the other. I understand the pattern well.

Have you taken a pregnancy test?

I can understand your concerns about BPD being hereditary. I'm not sure if there is much evidence one way or the other but studies show that personality disorders can have a genetic component. At the same time environment is another contributing factor. So someone could be pre-disposed genetically to have BPD but when raised in a healthy home, never manifest those genetics. This post on multi-generational transmission may give you more insight into the topic of BPD and genetics.

Are you and your bf currently together or separated? Does he know you may be pregnant?

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

gotbushels
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2018, 10:14:37 AM »

Hi She  

Welcome!

I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here--but I'm glad you're with us. Members help and support each other here.

Tattered Heart's provided you with a great link there, and I'd like to support that with this helpful info.
Excerpt

[... .] "twin studies": in this type of study, identical twins (possessing the same genetic makeup) who are adopted into different house­holds are examined years later for the presence of the disease.
[... .]
If one twin exhibits BPD, the likelihood that the other, reared in a different environment, will also be diagnosed with BPD is as much as 35 percent to almost 70 percent in some studies, thus giving greater weight to the nature argument.[citation 1]

Heritability also extends to family members. Relatives of bor­derlines exhibit significantly greater rates of mood and impulse disorders, substance abuse, and personality disorders, especially BPD and antisocial personality.[citation 2]
From Kreisman and Straus (2010; in-text citations removed; highlights for emphasis).

To supplement the discussion in Tattered Heart's link and Skip's Bowen's discussion, Kreisman and Straus suggest the joint model (highlights for emphasis):
Excerpt
Though no evidence supports a specific BPD gene, humans may inherit chromosomal vulnerabilities that are later expressed [... .]

[... .] researchers are beginning to appre­ciate that the most likely model for BPD [... .] recognizes multiple contributing factors—nature and nurture—working and interacting simultaneously.

Please feel free to post--I look forward to hearing how your story develops.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lakebreeze
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2018, 08:07:29 PM »

Hi She,
This sounds like a difficult time for you. Intense BPD relationships are exhausting.
My husband is uBPD. We have children together and I'm pregnant now. All my kids are different. Some are more sensitive and some have stronger emotional reactions than the others. Do they have BPD? I don't know. I'm actually more  concerned that they will develop codependency and care taking issues. There is just as much a risk that they will be like me.
But I can go on the offensive for them and try to raise them in the most emotionally validating way possible. Work on my own mental health. Teach them about their emotions. Model healthy emotional responses, anger and coping mechanisms. Regardless of the genetic hand they have been delt they have the chance to grow up to be mentally healthy individuals.
Wishing you all the best.
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She

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2018, 04:39:40 AM »

Re: Tattered Heart -

I am now 15 days overdue and sleep all the time. Cry a lot and have had two negative pregnancy tests so far, but the Doctor is giving me a blood one on Friday as I have a lot of the symptoms and he thinks it may have been too early to predict before.

My concern isn't so much nature (biology) but nurture, as he is so manipulative. We are in an on-off relationship as I keep getting guilted back in with his suicidal threats and general emotional manipulation. I don't really think a child is the best idea, this isn't my ideal but I have always thought I could not go through with an abortion. I study two qualifications full time and work 40 hours a week. The timing is awful regardless of the paternal circumstances.

Yes, he knows and swings (as they do) between wanting the baby and then devaluing me, or withdrawal. He wants a baby desperately.

Re: Gotbushels, arrrghh you are taking me back to all my Uni reports and Developmental Psychology. I find it all very interesting and thank you so much for the links, I was hoping to have more personal insight. I understand the biology I just wanted someone to tell me it would be OK I guess (tragic as that sounds).

Re: Lakebreeze, I am sorry but I dont quite know what uBPD means? Is that Undiagnosed or Unmedicated (I didn't think that medication helped?). Also, you sound like a really well grounded mum Smiling (click to insert in post)
My parents were very emotionally supportive, in terms of expression but I sometimes find it is a hindrance as so many people aren't (ego driven and dishonest) which is probably why I am so drawn to the emotion of borderlines.

Thank you all for your kind advice.

x

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gotbushels
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2018, 08:37:43 AM »

I study two qualifications full time and work 40 hours a week.
That's a lot of work. I hope you're taking care of yourself. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I understand the biology I just wanted someone to tell me it would be OK I guess (tragic as that sounds).
No worries.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Well, I do think it'll be OK. There's nothing inherently bad about pregnancy. I'm not in a position to comment on this, but I do think there's nothing bad about it, and it makes sense to be worried about things that we haven't particularly sat down and planned out.

Re: Lakebreeze, I am sorry but I dont quite know what uBPD means? Is that Undiagnosed or Unmedicated
Undiagnosed. Acronyms for the site are here.

My parents were very emotionally supportive, in terms of expression but I sometimes find it is a hindrance as so many people aren't (ego driven and dishonest) which is probably why I am so drawn to the emotion of borderlines.
Would you mind embellishing on this? No term paper required  Smiling (click to insert in post)  --I'm just curious as to how it works for you that you move toward pwBPDs despite wanting to move away from ego-driver and dishonest people.
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She

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2018, 04:30:58 PM »

I am doing OK as I am on summer break (Australian) Smiling (click to insert in post)

I guess it means that my parents are very liberal in terms of expressing yourself honestly. No thoughts are bad, they are just thoughts etc. I am quite bad at lying as a result so my emotional expression, for example if someone says 'How are you?' then I am quite literal in my response. That tends to freak people out but it doesn't with borderlines. I find them very honest emotionally (when they are lucid). It is when I trigger the abandonment, after the attachment, that I find the manipulation begins. But I am still unsure if that is conscious or they literally cannot help it. I've read a lot about borderlines and most recently listened to a podcast about it on All in the Mind - it was really informative and I agreed a lot of with was said about the depth of empathy you can get with a borderline relationship. When my BF is well he is very emotionally present and empathetic, he cries rather than rages (I recognise he is more dangerous to others than me). The fact that he says things like "I just want to like myself" is an honest response that I just don't get from anyone else, especially males. I am repelled my narcissists as I find them so transparent. I am quite strong-willed and I think that helps with the manipulation, my BF did refer to me as Stalin the other day because of my matter-of-factness. I don't know, sometimes he's great and sometimes he is like a passive-aggressive child. I could sustain a relationship with him, he has DBT twice a week but having a child as well would be exhausting. I am also concerned with our differences in morality. I veer towards more conformist attitudes in terms of law breaking (my parents are anti). He is very much still in the teenage rebellion stage. I don't think that is a good role model for a child, I do not accept violence as an answer to anything. Final thing, I have only been in borderline relationships for a year (apart from my long term high functioning UBPD) so I believe that I always get out within the honeymoon period. Perhaps I am naive and it gets much much worse?
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gotbushels
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« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2018, 02:03:29 AM »

I am doing OK as I am on summer break (Australian) Smiling (click to insert in post)
I see. I learned quite a lot from the Australian representatives on the board, it was nice to see applications of the same skills in a different cultural setting.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I guess it means that my parents are very liberal in terms of expressing yourself honestly. No thoughts are bad, they are just thoughts etc. I am quite bad at lying as a result so my emotional expression, for example if someone says 'How are you?' then I am quite literal in my response.
I see. Accurate expression is a skill that's promoted here, so I do think your gravitation toward honesty rather than wanting to lie can be a good thing.

I find them very honest emotionally (when they are lucid).
Yes, sometimes the emotional simpleness (not emotional limitation) that is felt when with a borderline has an honest quality to it. As though they are 100% in the emotion's moment.

It is when I trigger the abandonment, after the attachment, that I find the manipulation begins.
Yes, how a pwBPD acts can be felt as if we're being manipulated. Manipulation often implies a deliberate plan to get someone to do something that they may not want. When pwBPDs are in a dysregulation state, a lot of what they do and say is not deliberate. It often lacks a quality of consciousness. How they act are often learned reactions. That's just my understanding and if you'd like, you'll get better advice from a P on how their bodies work.

But I am still unsure if that is conscious or they literally cannot help it.
When dysregulation episodes happen, it's thought that their actions are mostly reactive.

I agreed a lot of with was said about the depth of empathy you can get with a borderline relationship.
Yes, pwBPDs have feelings. Sometimes the level of feeling is so extreme that it's described as things like "exquisite pain". Correspondingly, it's also thought that the non (you, in this case) are the empathic one that interprets the pwBPD's actions as feelings.

When my BF is well he is very emotionally present and empathetic, he cries rather than rages (I recognise he is more dangerous to others than me).
Yes, some people have a strong sad response rather than a strong anger response to things. I do think pwBPDs are diverse in the type of response they have to things. E.g., my uexpwBPDgf had a strong anger response when interpreting an absence of care, but a strong sad response when interpreting a loss of a partner.

The fact that he says things like "I just want to like myself" is an honest response that I just don't get from anyone else, especially males.
Yes, I don't hear this type of thing a lot. I heard it from my uexpwBPDgf. The stats are that many more people experience depression-related episodes at some point in their lives (1 of 3?), male and female, than is often realised. Yes, I think culturally men are less likely to admit deficiency in self-esteem.

... .I believe that I always get out within the honeymoon period. Perhaps I am naive and it gets much much worse?
If you're looking for examples, I highly encourage you to search for them on the site. Additionally, helpful advice I was given was to read Mason and Kreger's book (2nd ed, link). It's also got a lot of cases in it.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2018, 05:19:00 AM »

Do they have BPD? I don't know. I'm actually more  concerned that they will develop codependency and care taking issues. There is just as much a risk that they will be like me.


My mother has BPD and I do not. However, I tend towards the co-dependency - caretaking side. I think genetics has a part in this but also the pattern of family dysfunction - behaviorally. Since you are a psychology student, you may be interested in the idea that families with a pwBPD tend to behave in patterns similar to families with alcoholic members. Often other family members take on enabling traits- behaviors which I don't think are as much genetically driven as they are learned. I learned to be co-dependent in order to gain approval and avoid her anger.

One of the reasons I was motivated to work on my own traits (in addition to the value in relationships) was to not role model these behaviors for my children and to demonstrate healthy boundaries for them. We can't control what genetics a child inherits, but we can work on what behaviors we model for them.
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She

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2018, 05:44:51 AM »

Just an FYI, I wasn't pregnant but was 22 days late. He has threatened mine and my friends lives and I have had to apply for an intervention order. Stay safe everyone and thank you for the replies.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2018, 07:16:18 AM »

Thank you for the update. I hope things go better for you in future She. Stay safe and I hope you find the time to enjoy your peace.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

The family law board is here if you wanted to read about experiences with conduct orders.
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