EX-BPD Continued contact- Should I completely detach?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

          Greetings, just posting an update on the breaking no contact situation with my ex-partner.

My initial post is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321424.msg12941523#msg12941523

She contacted me today, trying to start some small talk, within a few texts it turned into her wanting to be friends and wanting to know who I am dating. I tried my best to remain indifferent, and polite, I politely declined the offer to be friends, but told her we can still remain in contact if she wants. And I declined to share any of my private information. Of course it became heated, and then she proceeded to stop texting. After a while she texted me asking why I was being so nice to her if I didn't want to be her friend. Keep in mind friendship was not even brought up by me, it was brought up by her.

 I am just a nice guy in general, I am always polite and courteous, I was not intentionally trying to lead her on in any way. But since she is acting this way it could mean that she is not happy in the new relationship and possibly looking for a lifeline. Nothing I did was intentional. I was just trying to obtain some closure, also yesterday, we only shared three texts, I did not give any inclination of wanting anything more than just closure, I didn't even respond to her last text. It seems pretty clear how unhappy she is, and that she seems to want to reattach herself to me in some way. I am not in love with her anymore, but I still care about her, if I just cut her off and go no contact, I would feel pretty guilty, especially since she has very little emotional support in her life. She has become an alcoholic, and her behavior is only getting worse. I am not a mean guy, and I do not enjoy watching people suffer, as much as she hurt me, which she did, I feel sorry for her more than anything. Now that I am out of the fog, I can see clearly how mentally ill she is, and I can spot all the symptoms. Just by texting her I can see it clearly.  Should I go no contact? Stay low contact if that is even possible?

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Maxpax2011]

          Greetings, just posting an update on the breaking no contact situation with my ex-partner.

My initial post is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321424.msg12941523#msg12941523

She contacted me today, trying to start some small talk, within a few texts it turned into her wanting to be friends and wanting to know who I am dating. I tried my best to remain indifferent, and polite, I politely declined the offer to be friends, but told her we can still remain in contact if she wants. And I declined to share any of my private information. Of course it became heated, and then she proceeded to stop texting. After a while she texted me asking why I was being so nice to her if I didn't want to be her friend. Keep in mind friendship was not even brought up by me, it was brought up by her.

 I am just a nice guy in general, I am always polite and courteous, I was not intentionally trying to lead her on in any way. But since she is acting this way it could mean that she is not happy in the new relationship and possibly looking for a lifeline. Nothing I did was intentional. I was just trying to obtain some closure, also yesterday, we only shared three texts, I did not give any inclination of wanting anything more than just closure, I didn't even respond to her last text. It seems pretty clear how unhappy she is, and that she seems to want to reattach herself to me in some way. I am not in love with her anymore, but I still care about her, if I just cut her off and go no contact, I would feel pretty guilty, especially since she has very little emotional support in her life. She has become an alcoholic, and her behavior is only getting worse. I am not a mean guy, and I do not enjoy watching people suffer, as much as she hurt me, which she did, I feel sorry for her more than anything. Now that I am out of the fog, I can see clearly how mentally ill she is, and I can spot all the symptoms. Just by texting her I can see it clearly.  Should I go no contact? Stay low contact if that is even possible?

Any advice would be appreciated.

[valet]

What do you want to do?

[Speck]

Hey, Maxpax2011.

Yes, I have to parrot what valet says above:  What do you want to do?

In my personal experience, as gut-wrenching as it's been, I have had to learn to trust the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me. But, hey... .that's just me and my stuff.

In short, I would ask you what would be the best thing for YOU to invite into your life as it relates to your ex?


-Speck

[Maxpax2011]

Hey, Maxpax2011.

Yes, I have to parrot what valet says above:  What do you want to do?

In my personal experience, as gut-wrenching as it's been, I have had to learn to trust the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me. But, hey... .that's just me and my stuff.

In short, I would ask you what would be the best thing for YOU to invite into your life as it relates to your ex?


-Speck

I know a relationship is not an option, unless she gets treatment she would never change, and I would always follow the same pattern. But she is in a bad way, I have never seen her like this before. She is not raging, no anger, she is just sad. It's like she is defeated in her life, she sounds so lonely, and empty. People that know her say she is not herself, I don't know if she is taking any drugs, or over medicating, but the change in behavior is very noticeable to her social circle.

She actually cried on the phone with me, and in all the years I have known her, she has never cried in front of me. She doesn't even remember some of the things she did to me after the break up, or even the things she said, and I don't think she is lying it is more like maybe she does not actually remember. Is that a symptom of BPD to not remember things?

She has been nice to me even, I don't even trigger her anger, we have been talking the last two days and nothing I said triggered her in any way. And I know from experience, that is not normal for her. She told me how her and the partner fight all the time, she actually asked me if it was her? She actually came out and said she has felt lonely, and sad for a while now, and she doesn't know why. I want to be there for her as a friend, I do not want a relationship, she knows this, so I would like to stay friends and try and support her, she doesn't have anyone, her family won't support her, they just write her off as a moody person. Bottom line is, would it be wise to stay in contact? I want to, I don't want to leave her like this. But if you guys think it's a bad idea, I will just end up getting sucked back into the drama, then I will have to cut her off. Thanks again.

[BeagleGirl]

I know a relationship is not an option, unless she gets treatment she would never change, and I would always follow the same pattern. 

I would like to stay friends and try and support her, she doesn't have anyone, her family won't support her, they just write her off as a moody person. Bottom line is, would it be wise to stay in contact? I want to, I don't want to leave her like this. But if you guys think it's a bad idea, I will just end up getting sucked back into the drama, then I will have to cut her off. Thanks again.

I'd like to know what you think when you see these two sections of your post next to each other.

I think that handing the decision of whether to stay in contact with your ex to anyone is a bad idea.  I know it's hard.  I know we all want to surrender the decision and responsibility for the consequences to someone or something else.  Heck, I've tried to hand similar decisions over to a magic 8 ball.    But ultimately you will be much better off if you accept that you are the only one who can make this decision.

So I'll give a little advice for either direction you choose:

Continuing contact - I think that there's a 100% chance that her life will continue to have a lot of drama.  That doesn't mean that you have to drown in it.  This site has tons of tools that will help you to walk away from the drama when necessary rather than becoming part of it.  If she starts to recognize her patterns and wants to change them, you can be a part of that healing process.  If not, you can be a listening ear and safety net that keeps her from the lowest of lows. 

When you take an honest look at yourself, do you think that you are willing/able to establish the new patterns that would be required to not get "sucked back in"?  If not, are you willing to go back to those old patterns and live out the consequences thereof?  Both are valid options for continuing contact with her whether that contact is as a friend or leads to a renewed romantic relationship. 

Speaking of friends vs romantic relationship, do you have a basis for believing that you really could be "just friends", such as former romantic partners that you have been able to maintain a platonic friendship with after ending the romantic relationship?  If you have, then you have something to pattern this shift in relationship after.  If not, that might need to factor into your honest look at what you would be leading to by continuing contact.

Breaking contact - I don't think you have any illusions about this being an easy option.  You will suffer grief and guilt at levels that will sometimes feel crushing.  You will have to build all sorts of barriers around yourself to keep from reestablishing contact or allowing her to reestablish contact.  Having gone through it already with her won't necessarily make it easier.  You'll probably be starting back at square one of grief.  There is a possibility that you will some day hear that her life has ended or that she has suffered things that seem worse than death and you will wonder if you could have saved her.  And there's no guarantee that breaking contact with her will bring you the love you always wanted.  You will still have the same tendencies to follow the same patterns and may end up repeating a similar relationship with other women.  BUT it does give you the time and space that may be required for the type of healing you may need to be the kind of man who could be a healthy partner.  And you would have a group of people who understand the pain of detaching and striving to change.

Those are my thoughts.  I hope they help you as you make your decision.

BeagleGirl

[Speck]

Is that a symptom of BPD to not remember things?

Well, I don't want to whitewash pwBPD in general, but in particular, I feel strongly that my wife suffers from BPD, and she most certainly has "convenient memory syndrome." In other words, she never remembers the hateful crap she says.

Bottom line is, would it be wise to stay in contact?

Wise is not the word I'd use. Perhaps, self-sacrificing will suffice. As in, it would be self-sacrificing for you to stay in contact with someone who cannot regulate her emotions, although you wish to help her through this dark time.

I want to, I don't want to leave her like this.

I hear you.  And, I take it, you're ready to assume the risks of doing so.

But if you guys think it's a bad idea, I will just end up getting sucked back into the drama, then I will have to cut her off.

Rather than constant contact that may be nebulous to define as far as boundary-setting goes, what do you think of simply offering her a lifeline type of phone call arrangement?  As in, just letting her know that if she needs you, she can call?


All fair questions, Max. But, remember, things may seem chill and benign right now, but you never know when your pwBPD may decide to re-wound you, intentionally or otherwise.

I'll just leave this here: "Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." -Alan Watts


-Speck

[once removed]

youre interested in something a bit less than friends. available, distantly connected, but not really actively pursuing a friendship. do i have that right?

that seems reasonable to me. but you need to establish that, whats in bounds, whats out of bounds, and i wouldnt expect her to always live by it. for instance, i think it was wise not to engage about who you are or are not dating. the kind of relationship youre talking about wouldnt really lend itself to listening to any of her life problems, or who she is or isnt dating, either.

it looks to me a bit more like, for example, social media friends, who occasionally like each others posts, and maybe send each other the odd bit of news the other would appreciate. no deep discussions or personal ones.

im friends with most of my exes, to lesser or greater degrees. i establish parameters around those friendships that work and are safe.

if you want more than that, if you want to be part of her support system, then id encourage you to look into the tools on the Bettering board.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Maxpax, I get it: you're a good guy and want to do the right thing.  Where things get sticky is that the "right thing" is often elusive in the context of a pwBPD.  I echo valet & Speck who suggest that it depends on what you would like to see happen.  I also agree with once removed that it's important to define the boundaries of what you're willing to put up with, because a pwBPD will trample all over any weak or tentative boundaries.  You are, of course, entitled to your feelings, but I wonder whether you need to feel "guilty" about living your own life.  It's your path, my friend, not hers.

LuckyJim

[Maxpax2011]

I agree with what everyone says, and I do wish to update my situation. We spoke a few times this week, and as I feared things escalated to the extreme. On Friday she contacted me crying about how her boyfriend wants to break up with her, then later on he started contacting my friends on Facebook, accusing me of stalking her and constantly causing problems in their relationship. I had a feeling something like this would happen.  I can only assume she used me to make him jealous so he would not break up with her, but she also pleaded with me to stay in her life as a friend. I refused, then she started accusing me of trying to sabotage her relationship, that I was not being a true friend, and that was it.

I said my peace and blocked her on my phone, email and social media. I do feel sorry for her, she is worse off than she has ever been. She is not happy with him, he is clearly abusive and using her, but she won't let him go, or let me go, because she fears being alone. I have read about this and it is common for them to try and keep an ex on the back burner if their current relationship is not working out, I think she knows he is tired of her krap so I imagine survival mode is kicking in, I just can't deal with it, I would never be able to trust her, even as a friend, her BPD is so extreme, she is starting to act like she is SCHIZO, it is crazy to see her like this. As much as I care for her, I decided to cut my losses and let her go. I am torn up about how bad off she is, and that she is in this abusive relationship, she is so desperate for love she wants not one guy in her life, but two, that is so sad, that emptyness is just getting worse. You guys are right, untreated people like them can't be helped. I just wish she would have shown me this side of her when we were together, I would have done something to help her, she was always so angry before, so much rage, now its like she is this lonely scared little girl that is desperate for anyone to love her, even if it is abusive.

If anything happens to her or her daughter I don't know what I will do or how I will feel, but I do know there is nothing I can do for her anymore. I thank everyone for their support.

[Harley Quinn]

Maxpax thanks for the update.  It sounds like you decided to protect yourself, which in that situation seems like a wise decision.  I'm sorry that things ended that way for you.  

I found this video very soothing and I hope that you too will find some relief from the guilt you feel around wanting to help her.  

How do you help someone with BPD?

  EDIT: The link is crossed with another.  I'll be back with the right one... .HQ

  EDIT: Right, it's correct now.

Love and light x

[Speck]

Hello again, Max.

I do know there is nothing I can do for her anymore. I thank everyone for their support.

I am glad to hear an update on your situation.  It sure sounds like you have been wading a treacherous stream this week. I'm sorry you were subjected to, yet again, another round of rage. I'm glad you've finally decided to secure your own oxygen mask for now... .

The good news? The help you were going to offer your ex can now be re-gifted back to you!

More good news? You're worth the effort. Focus on the Max. Max is the focus.


-Speck

[Maxpax2011]

Hello again, Max.

I am glad to hear an update on your situation.  It sure sounds like you have been wading a treacherous stream this week. I'm sorry you were subjected to, yet again, another round of rage. I'm glad you've finally decided to secure your own oxygen mask for now... .

The good news? The help you were going to offer your ex can now be re-gifted back to you!

More good news? You're worth the effort. Focus on the Max. Max is the focus.


-Speck

Thank you for your support, I do know it is for the best, but I will say that this time around it did not seem like a rage episode per say. As I said before she is nothing like she was, she is more childlike now, some sort of desperate attempt to avoid being alone. I mean honestly, I know her back then, and she was mean and spiteful, and very vindictive, this time around she acted, I don't know, sad, lonely and desperate. And she now knows all the lies and drama she has caused have caught up to her, all the lies about me being a stalker, and obsessed with her, all the krap about our break up being so horrible, which it really wasn't. I will put it this way, one minute she is contacting me for support, the next she is telling the boyfriend I am stalking her, it is like she is so confused and warped with her emotions she doesn't know the truth from a lie. Even after he contacted my friends and accused me of stalking, she tried calling me to explain that it was a misunderstanding and she still wanted to be friends. Even at the end she did not rage at me in messages or make threats. I don't know guys like I said I have never seen this side of her before, that is why I tried to help. I will keep you guys updated, thanks again. She just threw out stupid accusations of me trying to sabotage her relationship, which was just her trying to cover up the fact that she was trying to use me as a lifeline while he was mistreating her. Thanks again guys.


 

[Speck]

Hey, Max!

I will say that this time around it did not seem like a rage episode per say.

I see. I fully understand now. Thank you for taking the time to clarify that.

Regardless, I guess what I'm trying to convey is that with these unhealthy/toxic relationships, we best honor ourselves by not inviting unnecessary _______ into our lives. The blank can be filled in with "rage," "childish drama," "controlling behavior," "manipulation," "gas-lighting," etc.

We're glad you're here, Max. If something comes up for you this week, feel free to process it here.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi MP,

The video link is working now in my post on page 1.  Hope it helps you as it did me.  I wished I'd seen it a long time ago.

Love and light x

[Speck]

Hope it helps you as it did me.  I wished I'd seen it a long time ago.

Just watched it, Harley Quinn. It helped me as well. Thank you.


-Speck

[AustenJ]

My vote is to walk away and go no contact. Even being out of the fog, the fog is always lurking just beyond the ridge, out of sight but still close enough to envelope us again if we allow it. I understand you are a very compassionate individual like most of us that have fallen for a person wBPD, but that is a weakness of ours that allows us to be pulled back into the fog. Even though compassion is a wonderful trait for interactions with normal people, it is bait for the borderline, hook, line, and sinker.

I work with my ex every day. She has tried to recycle me by playing on my compassion... .she wears the mask at work pretty well... .it was the mask I fell in love with... .but she is in the same destructive cycle with my replacement as she was with me... .so I don't have compassion for her any longer... .I can't, or I will be destroyed all over again.

Having a relationship with an expbd on ANY level is a recipe for your disaster. I wish you well, my friend. Avoid that fog at all costs!

[Maxpax2011]

My vote is to walk away and go no contact. Even being out of the fog, the fog is always lurking just beyond the ridge, out of sight but still close enough to envelope us again if we allow it. I understand you are a very compassionate individual like most of us that have fallen for a person wBPD, but that is a weakness of ours that allows us to be pulled back into the fog. Even though compassion is a wonderful trait for interactions with normal people, it is bait for the borderline, hook, line, and sinker.

I work with my ex every day. She has tried to recycle me by playing on my compassion... .she wears the mask at work pretty well... .it was the mask I fell in love with... .but she is in the same destructive cycle with my replacement as she was with me... .so I don't have compassion for her any longer... .I can't, or I will be destroyed all over again.

Having a relationship with an expbd on ANY level is a recipe for your disaster. I wish you well, my friend. Avoid that fog at all costs!

I know what you mean. Her and my replacement fight worse than we did. It's pretty ugly from what I've heard, and it's only been 3 months, but everyone is right. Without treatment they are a sinking ship. And all we do is drown. My compassion has always gotten the better of me. I saw the good in her. That sweet gentle side. As much as there was mirroring and as much as there was manipulation, I know at least part of it was real. I truly feel sorry for her. Not many guys saw the good in her way. They all just wrote her off as a crazy person. I am a highly empathetic person, I think I feel more than others. And there was something special about her. I have gone no contact. And I did receive an email but I did not respond. As someone said on here. We can still love them, there is no shame in that. But we must love them from a distance. Thanks everyone again.

[Speck]

And I did receive an email but I did not respond. As someone said on here. We can still love them, there is no shame in that. But we must love them from a distance.

Max, you're working the process really well and taking care of yourself. That's truly commendable, and I'm happy for you.


-Speck

[Maxpax2011]

Greetings, hope all is well, I would like to provide an update on my current situation with my ex, as I said before I have gone no contact with her. However, she called me earlier tonight, and we spoke briefly, it was a very strange conversation. Lasted maybe 5 minutes. I have a low grade track phone and it seems to not have blocking capabilities, also I was not paying attention to the caller ID when I answered I was in the middle of doing homework for an online course. Anyways, as I said the phone call was brief. In the conversation she was asking rapid fire questions about what I have been up to these last few months, and I was only giving vague answers. She became agitated and proceeded to tell me that she knows what I have been up to, she stated she knows things, she asked me where I go on Friday nights, she also said that on Friday nights my car is not at my house. I asked her how she knew this, and she just simply replied that she knows things, also, she asked about certain people I have on my social media, and she also said that even though I have her blocked, she can still find things out.

I quickly ended the conversation and hung up. I have to ask the board, does this sound like typical BPD behavior? She does not know anyone in my neighborhood, I live in a secluded part of town. I do go out on Friday nights, and the only way she would know this is if she actually drove by my house. But here is the interesting part. She lives in another town, roughly a 15 minute drive from me. Would she actually go out of her way to drive by my house to check up on me? Also if she did, what would make her even admit to it? Even if it is implied? And why would she admit to checking out my social media? I have to say, I am shocked by this. I know it was not intended to be a threatening statement, but what would her intentions be to reveal this information to me?

One thing I will add about this situation, which also has me puzzled, in the past she portrayed me as an obsessive ex who was stalking her, and her partner also expressed this belief to people in town, he even went as far as to contact friends in my social circle and accuse me of stalking her. I however went on the defensive and revealed my phone records which clearly showed that our communication was mutual, there was no stalking. So suffice to stay her false image of me being a stalker was in fact exposed to our social circle. She of course reacted badly to this. As I said before she sent an email over the weekend which she revealed she never accused me of stalking her and never told anyone including her partner that I was a stalker. So to sum it up, all along she was portraying me as the stalker, then when she was exposed now denies she ever made that accusation, but now admits to me in cryptic language that she is in fact stalking me. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am completely blown away by the turn of events. Another thing is, she has been in a relationship for the past 3 months, how would she get away with driving by my house? Wouldn't anyone know about this? Even the partner? It had to be more than once. Thanks again everyone.

[Speck]

Hey Max,

I have to ask the board, does this sound like typical BPD behavior?

A resounding yes.

Would she actually go out of her way to drive by my house to check up on me?

If she were desperate/nosy enough, yes.

Also if she did, what would make her even admit to it? Even if it is implied? And why would she admit to checking out my social media?

From what I've gathered from your posts, she is in a dysregulated emotional state right now. Anything can happen.

I know it was not intended to be a threatening statement, but what would her intentions be to reveal this information to me?

She may just want you to know that she's omnipotent. It's a control issue.

So to sum it up, all along she was portraying me as the stalker, then when she was exposed now denies she ever made that accusation, but now admits to me in cryptic language that she is in fact stalking me. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Yes. She has been projecting her own stalkerish behavior onto you.

Another thing is, she has been in a relationship for the past 3 months, how would she get away with driving by my house? Wouldn't anyone know about this? Even the partner?

Like you, I don't know about the details, here. But... .she's clearly got tabs on your whereabouts.


Yes. That is indeed a weird phone call, and it's hard to know her agenda in making it, except to quiz you and then to let you know that you are still in her sphere of influence. Again, it's a control issue.

Regardless, what do you think about it?


-Speck

[Maxpax2011]

Hey Max,

A resounding yes.

If she were desperate/nosy enough, yes.

From what I've gathered from your posts, she is in a dysregulated emotional state right now. Anything can happen.
 

She may just want you to know that she's omnipotent. It's a control issue.
 

Yes. She has been projecting her own stalkerish behavior onto you.
 

Like you, I don't know about the details, here. But... .she's clearly got tabs on your whereabouts.


Yes. That is indeed a weird phone call, and it's hard to know her agenda in making it, except to quiz you and then to let you know that you are still in her sphere of influence. Again, it's a control issue.

Regardless, what do you think about it?


-Speck

My thoughts are she's a nut. Sorry to say. She has a boyfriend, but she is stalking me? Driving by my house? Makes me wonder what else she is doing. Would you have an idea what her ultimate agenda would be? I get it's control, but this is pretty extreme even for her. So what comes next? Ha.

[Aiko]

Not sure if it's typical or not as not an expert but sounds like typical of some sort of disturbed behavior. Could be projection, real stalking, or just her making  up some stuff to have an excuse to call you. Early on mine would call and accuse me of talking about her, which I wasn't. Just a reason to call or email me.
Anyway, it's tough when you break nc and open yourself up to this, try not to as hard as that is. Focus on that vs what she does it says.

[Maxpax2011]

Not sure if it's typical or not as not an expert but sounds like typical of some sort of disturbed behavior. Could be projection, real stalking, or just her making  up some stuff to have an excuse to call you. Early on mine would call and accuse me of talking about her, which I wasn't. Just a reason to call or email me.
Anyway, it's tough when you break nc and open yourself up to this, try not to as hard as that is. Focus on that vs what she does it says.

I agree, I plan to. I'm just amazed by her state of mind. I know they say once you are out of the fog you can see more clearly how disturbed they really are, but this is nuts ha!. I read on other forums that it is common for them to sort of stalk their exes after a break up. However it's been over 6 months and she is in another relationship. Just never expected her to be this volatile. Very sad. And once funny is now that I think about it, I vaguely remember a vehicle driving down my road that looked similar to hers, but at that time I didn't think anything of it.

[once removed]

In the conversation she was asking rapid fire questions about what I have been up to these last few months, and I was only giving vague answers. She became agitated and proceeded to tell me that she knows what I have been up to, she stated she knows things, she asked me where I go on Friday nights, she also said that on Friday nights my car is not at my house.

is it possible she was just put off by you being vague, and started throwing out accusations?

[Maxpax2011]

is it possible she was just put off by you being vague, and started throwing out accusations?

I doubt it. There is no way she would know if I was out on Friday nights unless she drove by my house or had someone else do it. That's why I'm sort of shocked.

[Speck]

Hey there, Max:

Would you have an idea what her ultimate agenda would be? I get it's control, but this is pretty extreme even for her.  Ha.

Again, there's no way for anyone (including her) to really know, but I just think that she's trying to reconnect with you with an underlying agenda being one of conveying omnipotence. There is a child-like notion of, "I know something about you that you don't know that I know." We usually grow out of this.

So what comes next?

Her? I don't know.

You? If you wish to decrease the drama to the smallest degree possible, block her access (ALL forms) to you as much as humanly possible.

That's my best take on your questions this morning.


-Speck

[dumpsterdog]

I should " trust the sound of my feet walking away"... that is the best thing ive ever heard regarding a BPD ex... good ... very good...

[Mustbeabetterway]

Maxpax2011,  well I guess you definitely have an answer now as to if you should completely detach.  As far as would someone actually make a fifteen minute drive to check up on you?  Without a doubt they would.   Impulsivity and rash decisions are a hallmark of BPDish behavior, right?  These decisions are driven by whatever emotion is prevailing at the time.  I would say be cautious.  Maybe she isn’t stalking you, but she seems to want you to think so.  Take care of your self and be safe. 

Tattered Heart, thank you for posting that link to the video.  I really need to hear that.  I have been feeling a lot of guilt and obligation about helping my UBPDH.  He is troubled and over all the many years we have been together, I have been unable to help him make lasting change.  In fact, there are times when I have allowed his issues to drag me down.  There is more that I could say about that, but I am sure we have all been there.  Also, I think that I have sometimes made things worse instead of better.

It’s like the video says, I now have to get myself together.