Having issues in my romantic relationship due to trauma from BPD Dad

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been in a relationship the past 3 ½ years with someone who shares many of my values, beliefs and hobbies. We share the same goals for now and our future, we cook together, love spending time together and share how we want our life to be. The issue is, is that I believe that my childhood and growing up as an adult with a BPD father has impacted me in ways that make communication while in conflict with my partner very, very challenging. I am not sure at this point if it’s me or her or us both.  I am not sure what needs to be done to heal us both so we are better with each other when tensions rise.

I can identify for myself what is so hard and hurtful- my partner gets agitated very easily and well, when this happens I feel like a lot of the feelings are directed at me. I take in a lot of the this negative energy and am highly sensitive and impacted by it. I kinda feel like – wow, I have to deal with my Dad and his behaviors, I certainly am not tolerating this from my partner!  I consistently feel like I am triggered by my partner and their negative energy when they are not clear what their emotion is. When it comes down to it I just want my partner’s negative, agitated energy to be something they own up to rather than spread it around. I also feel like they do not identify how they are feeling or express the direct emotion which makes me very angry- I feel angry because so much of my life has been surrounded by someone who does not take my feelings in equal account to theirs (i.e. my father) that my tolerance is low. I'm not into being the emotional caretaker for my partner.  So when my partner triggers me I do not stay quiet or hold in my own emotions. I tell them that I think they are directing their anger at me and I will not tolerate it.  I often leave the premises because I don’t know what else to do. Typically I break down in tears and lock myself in the bathroom for hours until I can compose myself. Usually by this point we both have raised our voices at each other and cast blame is many directions.

My partner has their own mental health issues such as a depression and had a physically violent father growing up.  I also suffer from chronic low grade depression and have been on meds for about 8 years. I have been in therapy in the past many times an feel like my emotional stability is under control from years of learning- except when I am triggered by my partner.  I know it’s easy to point the finger at a partner and say it is “their issue” or “you change.” But I do sense that my partner projects their anger on me a lot and I am highly reactive to being blamed for things or being told over and over again how I should do something.  I do feel like it is our dynamic and combo of our lifelong traumas that may have a hold on us. We have talked about this pattern many, many, many times, we have ordered books, we have sworn to not react again.  And then it happens and we both feel horrible for days and have to recover. When the moment comes, neither of us are able to do a different thing when we are upset.  I know that at times couple’s counseling can help, but I also have had some negative experiences from such counseling in the past and wonder if perhaps this community has some resources that may be of use to my relationship. I guess I fear that a couple’s therapist will not really be well versed in helping us both change or in the effects so specific to trauma related to BPD (which is what I think is my issue). I don’t have the financial ability to pay for a DBT couple’s therapist and I’m not convinced that if I or we rehash all of our childhood traumas that it would be healing or helpful. I just ordered the book “The High Conflict Couple,” motivated by the conflict we had last weekend-  but I dunno. I am at a loss and feel stuck. I feel like if I leave this relationship it doesn’t really help resolve the issue I am having when in an intimate relationship that I feel highly sensitive to negative, non-direct moods. I also feel like if I stay that our behavior patterns while in conflict are very damaging and draining. Any tips or thoughts of anything that might help or people out there that have a success story they would like to share?

[kitsch]

I’ve been in a relationship the past 3 ½ years with someone who shares many of my values, beliefs and hobbies. We share the same goals for now and our future, we cook together, love spending time together and share how we want our life to be. The issue is, is that I believe that my childhood and growing up as an adult with a BPD father has impacted me in ways that make communication while in conflict with my partner very, very challenging. I am not sure at this point if it’s me or her or us both.  I am not sure what needs to be done to heal us both so we are better with each other when tensions rise.

I can identify for myself what is so hard and hurtful- my partner gets agitated very easily and well, when this happens I feel like a lot of the feelings are directed at me. I take in a lot of the this negative energy and am highly sensitive and impacted by it. I kinda feel like – wow, I have to deal with my Dad and his behaviors, I certainly am not tolerating this from my partner!  I consistently feel like I am triggered by my partner and their negative energy when they are not clear what their emotion is. When it comes down to it I just want my partner’s negative, agitated energy to be something they own up to rather than spread it around. I also feel like they do not identify how they are feeling or express the direct emotion which makes me very angry- I feel angry because so much of my life has been surrounded by someone who does not take my feelings in equal account to theirs (i.e. my father) that my tolerance is low. I'm not into being the emotional caretaker for my partner.  So when my partner triggers me I do not stay quiet or hold in my own emotions. I tell them that I think they are directing their anger at me and I will not tolerate it.  I often leave the premises because I don’t know what else to do. Typically I break down in tears and lock myself in the bathroom for hours until I can compose myself. Usually by this point we both have raised our voices at each other and cast blame is many directions.

My partner has their own mental health issues such as a depression and had a physically violent father growing up.  I also suffer from chronic low grade depression and have been on meds for about 8 years. I have been in therapy in the past many times an feel like my emotional stability is under control from years of learning- except when I am triggered by my partner.  I know it’s easy to point the finger at a partner and say it is “their issue” or “you change.” But I do sense that my partner projects their anger on me a lot and I am highly reactive to being blamed for things or being told over and over again how I should do something.  I do feel like it is our dynamic and combo of our lifelong traumas that may have a hold on us. We have talked about this pattern many, many, many times, we have ordered books, we have sworn to not react again.  And then it happens and we both feel horrible for days and have to recover. When the moment comes, neither of us are able to do a different thing when we are upset.  I know that at times couple’s counseling can help, but I also have had some negative experiences from such counseling in the past and wonder if perhaps this community has some resources that may be of use to my relationship. I guess I fear that a couple’s therapist will not really be well versed in helping us both change or in the effects so specific to trauma related to BPD (which is what I think is my issue). I don’t have the financial ability to pay for a DBT couple’s therapist and I’m not convinced that if I or we rehash all of our childhood traumas that it would be healing or helpful. I just ordered the book “The High Conflict Couple,” motivated by the conflict we had last weekend-  but I dunno. I am at a loss and feel stuck. I feel like if I leave this relationship it doesn’t really help resolve the issue I am having when in an intimate relationship that I feel highly sensitive to negative, non-direct moods. I also feel like if I stay that our behavior patterns while in conflict are very damaging and draining. Any tips or thoughts of anything that might help or people out there that have a success story they would like to share?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kitsch]

;(

[Mutt]

Hi lynnmaryk,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I completely understand how disheartening when you can’t seem to stop conflict in your r/s but you’re trying I notice your title could imply with some that you’re the one at fault in your r/s because of your past with your dad. I had a similar experience I recall very early on when my uBPDexw and I started fighting it triggered memories of my dad and I didn’t say to go through that again. You can check the lessons on the right side of the board areas the lesson on ending conflict and tell me what you think about it.

It takes two and it takes only to change the course of the r/s a pwBPD are socially impaired and the non has to be the one that leads. What is your support system like with family and friends? What do you do for self care?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi lynnmaryk, joining Mutt in welcoming you. I understand the pain of seeing the negative patterns we went through with a parent being acted out in our current relationship. You've come to the right place for support.

Good for you for letting your partner know you will not tolerate anger directed at you that way. If your feelings tell you that your partner is taking their negative feelings out on you, there's probably truth in it.

I think the first step in removing ourselves from a negative behavioral pattern with our partners is to step out and take care of ourselves as Mutt mentioned. Before you can get a clear perspective on the situation, you have to tend to your own wounds and stop the bleeding.

Seconding Mutt is asking you what do you / could be doing to take care of yourself? Even though couple's therapy is not financially feasible right now, what about individual?

All the best,
~ROE

[kitsch]

Thanks to you both for your responses. I appreciate and also I have been reading more about stopping the cycle of reactivity and conflict. Over the past few days I have been thinking so much about how I may need to be the one that stops the drama with my partner. I think part of me wanted to have an equal partnership in that both of us have equal responsibility in stopping the harm we do to each other.  I know it takes two to engage in conflict  and I think that I can take responsibility in that I have not stopped in process when we have conflict. I guess  I have felt  justified in reacting  because I felt I am defending myself. I dunno if that makes sense. Perhaps too I have yearned to not be the main “one” that does the work.

The past three days I have been pretty quiet with my partner after the last episode on Sunday because I needed some time to process my feelings without being interrupted. I needed to recover. Unlike other times after conflict we did not discuss this episode on Sunday yet.  I worry my actions look like “silent treatment” but I just didn’t want to steer the conversation into a negative process or make reconciliation for an event in which I think the pattern needs to change- not just say “oh sorry”. I have been physically in the same room with my partner but doing my own things in the house. It has felt good to be reconnected to myself and in this period of not exchanging all my feelings with my partner.  I have noticed that there is not any conflict or feelings of anger (at least on my end).

I think self-care is something I engage in, but also have a hard time with. I guess I don’t know sometimes what is concretely self-care because I have hobbies that bring me great joy and relaxation that I do all the time. I feel like I have a good support system too of friends and family outside my Dad. I am a social worker, very active in my community.  Sometimes I am very frustrated because I don’t know what else to do, who to connect with or vent to. I feel like I am doing all the “things” I should- with the knowledge that I do not tolerate being “crossed” lightly.   I’m not opposed to therapy, but feel ambivalent about if someone can help me. I know this may sound ridiculous but there are so many layers of things that I not sure therapists understand all the time. I’m queer identified, my partner is a trans woman. My dad is also part of the lgbtq community (aside from being BPD). My partner and I are non-monogamous we both work with therapists in the lgbtq community. In the past I have gone to therapists and typically feel that I need to “teach” on one of the topics of my life.

This site honestly has brought me forward in my thoughts and processes probably more than therapy has. I think perhaps the separation of the people knowing me helps.

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks for elaborating.

Over the past few days I have been thinking so much about how I may need to be the one that stops the drama with my partner. I think part of me wanted to have an equal partnership in that both of us have equal responsibility in stopping the harm we do to each other.  I know it takes two to engage in conflict  and I think that I can take responsibility in that I have not stopped in process when we have conflict. I guess  I have felt  justified in reacting  because I felt I am defending myself.

We all certainly have half the responsibility for the state of our relationships and I admire your proactive attitude. That said, do you think the drama would stop even if you achieved full control of your reactions to the situation? And I wouldn't criticize yourself for reacting. We are all human beings, and even if we know our partner is sick it doesn't always lessen the hurt. I still need to react a lot of the time, too.

I needed to recover.

So true, we need recovery time. When I first found out about my wife's BPD I thought I needed to go into 24 hr action mode until the problem was resolved. So there's no shame in capitulating once in a while to buy ourselves time to recharge.

This site honestly has brought me forward in my thoughts and processes probably more than therapy has. I think perhaps the separation of the people knowing me helps.

That's great. For me the site has provided much more than therapy in terms of a support network and in finding a direction to cope with my wife's BPD. Therapy for me is more about diving deeper into my own issues and for talking face to face (or voice to voice since I do it over the phone).

How else do you think we here could help you?

Yrs,
~ROE