Does this sound like BPD or something else?

[CryWolf]

Hope all went well with your exams Joe!

You've been heavy on my mind lately Joe, and I apologize if I may have missed some of your posts. How have you been doing?

How is your wife doing with the pain you last mentioned?

I hope all is well, please update us when you can! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks Wolf,

I'm in a bit of a weird place. I managed to focus on the studies, first for my work, then for the degree, and the practical things of the moving, that were stresful and tiring enough, and I avoided conflict ot kept it out of my mind.

I expected a flood of anger right after the moving, but she said we had been all stressed, and not on our best behaviour, and that it was understandable. The fool of me thought I had dodged a bullet, but it came weeks later. First she asked me to apply for my hollydays at work, and when I did, next day she told me it was best if I didn't go with them, and that we have no future, that we don't understand each other, and the whole shebang. We texted back and ford, and I said "anyway, the time for this was yesterday, when I asked for the days at work. So now I'm going."

This "hollyday", like every year, it is our annual try to take the kids to their father. He asks for them, he says he's changed and that he very much wants to connect with them and be in their lives. He's entitled to 90+ days a year with them. So far, he's saw them an average of 5 days a year. Then he kicks them out of their house with a variety of insults, and threats to their mother. Every year is the same.

And of course, the anticipation, and the fact that we can't say no, makes her very nervous. And the kids too, they don't want to talk about it at all, and they don't want to go. And they are hyper active in order not to think, and that makes them very hard to deal with. We got complaints from their teachers, even. That, in turn, makes all of us very on edge.

The misterious illness, remains misterious. It went away after some days. She was taking a heavy dosage of Vitamin D, and maybe it was too much for her anorexic digestive system.

Anyway, the rage hasn't gone too far, so far. I hope we survive this trip, once again.

Thanks for asking.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe,

Thanks for the update!  I'm glad to hear you managed to get through everything.  Have you had your results?  The trip to the kids' father sounds awful for all of you, especially the kids.  It's no wonder they are acting up.  Is there any way to change the ruling based on the lack of consistency with their father and the stress on the children?  It isn't very healthy for them to be treated that way and to 'have' to go because that's what is ordered.  Would childrens' services step in and have a say?  I'm not sure of the process in your country. 

Given that the trip is going ahead at present, what do you line up for the kids once their father tells them to leave?  Is there something fun and entertaining that you can all do together in the area to salvage the holiday?

Well done for making it through studies, exams and a move, plus a mystery illness and now this annual stressful event looming.  You're certainly resilient!  I hope that you can find ways to get a break and relax when you're away.  You could definitely use a holiday right now.  What would you like to do in the area you're travelling to?  Do some planning to ensure there is something you can look forward to and enjoy, even if it means doing it alone and letting your partner do something she fancies with her time for a few hours.  Restoration Joe.  You could use it.

Love and light x

[JoeBPD81]

Hi,HQ, I hope everything is well on your turf.

I have the results for the degree exams and they are very good, way better than expected. The State exam for my job, it can take up to a year to be announced if I passed, it is unbelievable (a computer marks them). Once people pass that exam, they get a raise, so, each month it is delayed, it is a month of savings to the State. I don't think I passed, but I'm not sure. The mark you need to pass depends on all the other applicants.

We are leaving tomorrow for this holliday. We'll spend a week with them before they have to face their dad. So the change is not so sudden.

We consulted an expensive lawyer about changing this deal, and they told us it could change for worse. The visits could be supervised in centers that look like jails. And that there is almost no chance for ending the visits completely. Even with abuse proved by the court psychiatrists, twice! We fought very hard for years. And while we can't change things we aim to make them the least traumatic possible.

It also matters that my Gf's hopes that he changed for real every time, then she is disappointed every time. She keeps not trusting me, while I do more than I promise, but she trusts him after some weeks of not being actively betrayed by him. So, he lies every time he opens his mouth, but after some time of silence, she believes the next thing he says.

I'm kept at arms distance. I live here, but I feel like an annoying visit, more than the guy who pays the bills. Let alone the love of someone or the father, or even a close friend. I'm told often that we have no future, by her. And she says she's leaving, if I'm lucky, only once a month. So I don't feel I have a say. I figure they will be living together forever, but I don't know if I'll be with them for long (even If I want to). So I don't even know how much I want to have a say.

She wants the kids to have all the family they can have. To keep the bridges unburned. And to be able to tell them in the future she did her best to give them a chance to have a bond with their father, and other family members. And she always tried to have the best possible RS with her ex, on what has to do with the kids.
She knows she is not OK, she knows she has BPD, rage issues, trust issues, social issues, suicidal thoughts, and an all consuming eating disorder. So, she knows she might be labeled an unfit mother any day, and she knows she can die, either of Anorexia - heart problems, or of not resisting the urge to throw herself to the subway tracks. Then the kids would have to live with the dad. Or the grand-mother who's not very nice to them either.

The town we go to, it has a lot of bad memories for them, but it's also their town, so they miss a lot of things from there. It's always complicated when we go. Last time it was surprisingly very good. But it is unpredictable. I try to go with an open mind, and lots of patience. I can't have expectations though. I much rather work a double shift than going on this vacation. I've gone about 7 times, as driver, as helper, as support, and I don't get any appreciation. And as much as I'd walk on eggshells I'll get a lot of blaming, a lot of being in the wrong place, and a ton of misunderstandings.

I pray that everything goes better with the kids and the father or granma later, because some weeks without the kids, that would be a blessing. My GF is a new person after 2 days without the stress of the kids, and she remembers she loves me. Problem is, when they come back it is very hard for her, and she feels a crushing guilt for having enjoyed their absence. I've known many kids and I've never seen kids as demanding and uncaring as these too, it is a constant conflict among them, and against any action they are supposed to do or not do, and anything we say-ask-demand.

In the moving, we couldn't count on them to even hold a door open, let alone carry light boxes or bags. The older, almost 12, bigger than my GF, could help a bit, you would think. But instead they fought every minute, they broke things, then unpacked what was already packed... .And complained non stop about how boring the moving was.

We need to remind ourselves every 2 minutes, that they are not skillfully trying to torture us according to a previously conceived plan, because that's what it feels like. We have to cut their hair, because the professionals refuse to do it again, because the kids won't stay still for one second. We don't do a great job as hairdressers either, they look like an epileptic cut their hair.

Tomorrow I will have to drive while they at any given moment will scream, take their own or the brother's seatbelt off, so they can hear the alarm (again and again), fight viciously, or throw things over me. Sounds like I'm describing crazy monkeys, well that's accurate.

We plan fun things with them all the time, not only to compensate this visit. But they try to sabotage each one of them. We buy tickets to an amusement park, they want to stay home and watch TV. Last week I took them to an all you can eat steak restaurant, because they love steak: neither of them ordered a single steak, they drank soda and ate tons of fries, until their bellies hurt (I could have gotten that for 3 bucks at BK). And they were told off by the staff, because they played with food, put their feet on the table, and things like that.

Well, I'm rambling. I'm very tired because at the end of the day, there is no one on my corner. I always have my Gf's back, and I understand her frustration and tiredness. I'm not allowed to show it. And I have to deal with another child in her many times. She told me today, while being with the kids, "I'm very angry at you, because I owe you a big apology and I don't feel like apologizing".

So... .well... .Every day I don't go completely nuts, it is a win. Would I know the day I'm already there? That's a scary thought.

[pearlsw]

Oh Joe,

My heart really breaks for you when I hear all you are contending with! Wow. Those are some crazy monkeys for sure!

We're here. We have your back! I wish you luck on the exam.

I sort of trained my SO to express appreciation by modeling it for him. It's hard at first, but I got lucky and he got better at this in time. It does add a lot to human interaction to not be taken for granted - that's for sure!

Well, if they won't say it, let me: I appreciate that you give a lot to take care of others, especially people with so many troubles. It is kind of you to give so much love. You will surely be rewarded some day - if only by the respect of us here! 

What parts of your life bring you any joy or relief? Are there any?

with deep compassion, pearl.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot Pearl,

It should be so simple a question, there must be some part of your life that brings you joy and/or relief. Looking back at the last 4 years there has been so little of that. I feel now that my goal is that the kids have some joy and relief, and I forget I am a person myself. If I reflect on how unfair the situation is, I get angry at my GF and the kids. And that leads to more frustration and sadness.

I didn't expect any joy on this "hollyday". I got some good moments reading a funny book ("John dies at the end". And some relief because there weren't big arguments between my GF and I. Just the kids being overly ungrateful while we do nothing but things for them, and fighting each other.

My GF was supposed to come back with me and start a job this morning. Instead, she had to stay there while the kids visit their father. That was the role of the granma, but she bailed on us at the last minute. We weren't going to leave the kids at 500Km in the house of a known abuser, without a rescue plan ready.

So she stayed. And I could be so happy thinking I can rest, but I'm not. The last day, she cried a lot, and told me how useless she is, and that she should move back there and beg forgiveness and help from the ex, who is loaded. And how the ex was right when he told her repeatedly she was useless and unemployable, and good for nothing. Then how she can't keep a RS with anyone, how she is so detached from me, how I deserve better, how she doesn't believe I love her, how she doesn't want to trust me and tell me things... .Everything in 30 minutes. When the little kid came to say good morning, I couldn't hold it any more and cried for a long while, scaring the kids a bit. She was surprised, saying she didn't know she was hurting me by saying those things. But she was very worried and regreted hurting me. She was affectionate after that.

We took the kids to their father's home, their birth home. And I drove back to my city. We are waiting all day to have news from the kids. And the oldest is constantly saying he's affraid and he wants to leave that house, and he demands that we do something about it. We can't, not while this guy is being civil with them. Nothing is happening, but he can't take the PTSD and being powerless to change the situation he hates, plus memories, + fear of this guy... .We ask a lot of him, but while he doesn't face this reality, each visit is harder and harder.

My GF is on edge too, very kind one minute and telling me to FFF off the next. So I'm not enjoying my solitude much, as I should. But I'm taking as many small moments as I can. I'm gonna start studying again for a september exam, but I'm gonna take some time off too. Yesterday I did a lot in an evening, It's amazing how many things you can do in a evening, when you don't have kids.

Thanks again.

[pearlsw]

Hi Joe,

Oh, my! I worry about you! I know what it is like to feel like I'm almost invisible in my own life. This weekend my SO's kids are coming and I must admit it feels me with a bit of dread. I used to be more excited about their visits but it just feels like a hurricane that is about to it that I am not prepared for. This year most of the vacation will my SO away with his kids and me away on my own - not the ideal family of my dreams, but I accept this and am working on embracing it.

Do you have any small hobbies or even a meditation practice that could bring you some small comfort? I was meditating in May, but my June schedule was a bit unusual. Now would be a good time to do this again. Or even writing here can help.

Sorry to hear about this stressful visit with her ex.

I don't know if it would work for you, but I wrote out nice things for my SO to say to me. I wonder if you wrote out some such things and gave them to people it might help them key in that you too need something from all of them? I know it might feel forced and even a bit painful, but in my case it worked!  I wonder if you wrote out things like "Thank you!" and "I appreciate you!" and turned it into a game somehow could give them a push in a more loving direction.

I am supposed to write another one out for another issue this week. Instead of him having meltdowns and making threats I explained to him he could just say, "I want to spend more time together." He asked if I could write it for him and has already asked me twice to do it!

Just an idea!   

with deep compassion, pearl.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

it's been a hard week. The kids were a couple of days with the father and the older kid kept asking us to rescue him. When we could talk to him, he said everything was fine, he just missed us and prefered to live with us. In his head, as soon as he wanted to leave, he could. When he understood, that unless something important happens he has to be there for a month, or less (only if the father wants them less), he cried all the time, for 4 days straight. (He's 11) It's hard to hear him cry, and not being able to do anything. Yesterday he was better. The younger is taking things better.

I'm away, working, but their mom is close, and they are seeing her, after 2-3 days, they see her everyday for some hours. More ours each day, as the father is getting tired of childcare. (Not even a week there). And the kid is not crying so much anymore. They're feeling better.

I've been alone, but I've not been able to relax and enjoy this week, as I'm worried and waiting for news all day. But I've been able to do some work at home, and to see some friends and my parents. I had a good laught with some old friends. I didn't find the moment  to tell my GF I was seeing them, and I feel bad about it. Now two days later, if I tell her, she will be hurt I didn't just tell her before. She always SAYS she's OK with me meeting friends, but she always has something to say about it that sounds like it's not OK at all. I'm sure you know what I mean. Most of all she thinks I'm going to complain about her non stop, and she gets edgy.

I don't think it will work to model or write things she could say. I did several tries. She gets very proud some times. "I don't follow any man", " I don't like lessons in manners"... .She is very humble in general, and she adknowledges her flaws, and has a less than low self esteem. She can be really sweet, and then... .Be another person.

Anyway, I'm chill today, if I have no bad news, it's gonna be a good day.

[Harley Quinn]

It's wonderful to hear that you've had a laugh with friends Joe.  Do you think you could stand the discomfort of her complaints and still do that when gf is home?  Maybe once a week?  At a push, once a fortnight?  Could you make it a regular thing that you stick to?  After all, things are difficult however you look at it when the whole family is together.  You need to get that time for yourself and keep those connections up.  It's important. 

Great to read your last sentence especially Joe!  Enjoy it to the max! 

Love and light x

[JoeBPD81]

I'll definitelly try to see friends more often.

They introduced me to some neighbors, and it was like "this is the guy I always talk (good things) about... ." meaning me. I was welcome as an honored guest, and pampered.

After that, I've had some up and downs. The down was a conversation about last summer. Her memory is only about the bad part. We had a great break from the kids. But She remembers I was on a sick leave and I didn't take advantage of all the days the doctor gave me, and I went to work instead. She says "you choose your principles over me. I choose to not let that happen again".

I asked at my job for 3 days, for mouth surgery, it was a little more important that I anticipated and the 3rd day it was very swolen and I couldn't sleep, so I said it would taske longer. My doctor gave me the paperwork to justify "up to 15 days". So most people would just take 15 days. I was OK to work after 5 days, and my concience kept telling me that I should be back at work. But I was having such a lovely time with my GF. So I stayed some days more, but I didn't take the 15 days. And My GF took it as abandonment. Not vasluing how much it weighted on me to stretch the sick leave up to that point.

After I said I'd be going back to work, she stopped spending time with me. She was crying and very offended. But after 2-3 days, we still had great days as I only work  mornings. This last part, she doesn't remember. She says it was a "before and after" in our RS after that. As if she didn't choose to not see me almost daily all year round. She said I broke her trust then, and she doesn't want to be with me alone without the kids again.

This was a year ago, and she still gets a hot anger when talking about it. Any pointers?

There were many things in my mind to make that decission to go back to work. None of them meant that I did't want to be with her, that's the thing I want the most. And I prove it all year. She can say "I don't wanna see your face" and it's OK, but if she thinks I don't wanna see her, when it's not true, then I broke her trust forever. How can I take this?

[Harley Quinn]

I'm delighted to hear that you plan to spend more time with friends.  Joe this is a monumental decision for you and can only bode well for your coping.  Please stick to that.  Do you need to set up the next meet right away and commit it to your diary?

It is hard hearing what comes over as double standards, I know.  I feel for you.  The only thing that worked for me was to not take it in.  This is the way that she views things and you're well aware that JADEing doesn't make anything better.  Aside from her words, how does this belief of hers translate into actions and is it a constant view or transient?

Love and light x

[braveSun]

After that, I've had some up and downs. The down was a conversation about last summer. Her memory is only about the bad part. We had a great break from the kids. But She remembers I was on a sick leave and I didn't take advantage of all the days the doctor gave me, and I went to work instead. She says "you choose your principles over me. I choose to not let that happen again".

... .So I stayed some days more, but I didn't take the 15 days. And My GF took it as abandonment. Not valuing how much it weighted on me to stretch the sick leave up to that point.

... .She said I broke her trust then, and she doesn't want to be with me alone without the kids again.

This was a year ago, and she still gets a hot anger when talking about it. Any pointers?

There were many things in my mind to make that decision to go back to work. None of them meant that I dind't want to be with her, that's the thing I want the most. And I prove it all year. She can say "I don't wanna see your face" and it's OK, but if she thinks I don't wanna see her, when it's not true, then I broke her trust forever. How can I take this?

Wow, JoeBPD81, I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I am myself going through some very difficult ones with my spouse. I find it's one of the toughest part of being with a person on the BPD/NDP spectrum. Sometimes they can say/believe the darnest things... And as is usually the case, there is a propensity to remember the hurtful events much more than the nice ones. For pwBPD, it's almost rather the hurtful ones. That's part of the order of the disorder. It's her feelings. You picked that up correctly. It's hard to go around that.

That's when I see that applying validating tools, such as

S Sympathy
E Empathy
T Truth

cannot hurt. 

Here I'll try something, and please correct me where it doesn't apply:

Sympathy
You: I hear you don't want to see my face. You seem very upset.
Her: Bla bla bla (shares her feelings and assumptions you've heard a millions times already)
You: ... .only listen... .

Empathy
You: We've talked about this, and I'm thinking more about this. I realize that when we feel we are having a great time together and we know we don't have too many opportunities to have these moments, it's kind of hard to want stop it early for one of us to go to work. I'm sorry I did interrupt that loving time between us.
Her: Expect more difficult emotions, some extrapolations, or not.
You: ... .only listen... .

Truth
You: That day I badly needed to get back to work ASAP. How about scheduling another time off for just the two of us in the next 3 months?
Than listen and adjust if you can. Or drop it and let it go.

Any thoughts?

Open to comments, and please other people join in. Any improvements welcome.

[JoeBPD81]

Well,

I told her about my meeting in passing. It was OK. Then she encouraged me to meet with friends while she was away. We weren't sure when she was coming back or the kids, so I didn't set any new meeting. But when she told me the sooner she would come would be Sunday, and it was thursday, I set a dinner at my house on friday.

I had a lot of errands to do that day and I told her. In case it took me some time to answer her. She always takes that I tell her my plans as "don't bother me, I'm busy". So she went radio silent. The few words she told me, she sounded depressed. I didn't know what to tell her, and I really was running from one task to the next.

As my friends were late, and I had a break, I tried to start a conversation. She told me how sad she was, but gradually she seemed to cheer up a little. Then my friends came, and I told her and she stopped texting.

The next day, she was in suicidal mood.

She got the kids back that day, but she was devastated before picking them up. And telling me I was a stranger to her, and that she could never trust me, or feel safe around me.

I got the kid texting me "I love you" "you are really my dad" "I'm super glad I don't have to see my (bio)dad anymore" "I miss you"... .And at the same time, his mom texting me "I don't trust you, we have no future, I have a gut feeling you are sneaking and lying, I'll never feel safe around you... ." And it was breaking my heart. I told her "please, I have (our son) telling me he loves me, and you telling me this... ." and she said "Stop with the blackmail!"

I was very down the whole day. I spoke to the kids a little on the phone. Then I went for a long walk, and I took some pictures at dawn and nigh ones. I felt better.

I told her I wish she was feeling better now that the kids were sleeping in the same house. And she told me "you don't know anything", and later... ."I'm on the night bus, not in bed". She had told me earlier that when she'd come back to (my city) she would go to her mother's house that was empty for the summer, instead of coming home, if her mother was OK with that (I knew she wouldn't).

She would arrive at 5 AM, before the subway opens. So I set up my alarm to pick her up... .She asked me why I was there, and she was crying and with alergy syntoms. We went to sleep separately for some time, and then the crying and isolation went on for half the day. Then she started talking and things got better gradually. By night it was nice.

Today she texted me it was all a mistake and that if she lets me close, she will be sorry later, that she is already sorry for yesterday. And she won't make that mistake again.

So let's see how the day goes.

[braveSun]

  I got the kid texting me "I love you" "you are really my dad" "I'm super glad I don't have to see my (bio)dad anymore" "I miss you"... .And at the same time, his mom texting me "I don't trust you, we have no future, I have a gut feeling you are sneaking and lying, I'll never feel safe around you... ." And it was breaking my heart. I told her "please, I have (our son) telling me he loves me, and you telling me this... ." and she said "Stop with the blackmail!"

   Man, JoeBPD81, I'm so sorry. It's really a rough place to be in...    

  I was very down the whole day. I spoke to the kids a little on the phone. Then I went for a long walk, and I took some pictures at dawn and nigh ones. I felt better.

   It's a very good thing you did connect with the kids, and went out. Being outside for me does goodness when I have these heartbreaking moments. I take pictures too.   

  Today she texted me it was all a mistake and that if she lets me close, she will be sorry later, that she is already sorry for yesterday. And she won't make that mistake again.

  I get these too from my spouse sometimes. We've been together for 18+ years, and got married two years ago.   

Tell me if I'm getting this wrong. It seems like your wife is trying to communicate to you her feelings. The way she does that is very difficult to take in because she sort of 'decides' that the relationship cannot work, or is the cause of her feelings. She appears to want to push you away. Yet she wants to talk to you. She wants the nice times with you. To me, if I paraphrase this in BPD language, it looks like she is wanting to tell you that there is so much  pain in her.  If you're a non like me, you don't really know that part too well, so you respond in your own 'regular' way, expecting her to get you  like someone who is not having BPD.  It's invalidating to her that you expect her to relate to you like 'normal', and it's invalidating to you that she responds in the frustrating way she does.

Her guts feelings might only be at the gut levels, and might have more to do with her own difficulties to process her own pain. Like feeling disconnected.  Yet, when things calm down, there is hope again, and because self-soothing is not a skill she might have learned, now she has to take these steps, while you do your own self-care.

If I'm on the right track, that would explain that while there are good, more balanced, nicer moments, there are also discouraging ones. And that you demonstrating the skills for self-soothing and self-care in a more matter of fact, steady way, you sort of set the pace and the tone for the two of you.

It takes patience, and for you to not let her hurtful words get at you. There is a learning curve for the non with this. It's counter intuitive.

Like she might have to vent, and you might have to let that steam out a bit, and possibly start to validate her feelings, not necessarily her conclusions.

I saw that when you told her 'Please,... .the kids', it might have felt placating to her because of that huge pain in her being in the way. Your response might have felt invalidating to her. There is hope for you there, because she talks to you, and you are able to take care of yourself. There are communication tools and skills you can learn here, and if you get involved with the community on these boards, you can find a lot of good support.

Any of this making sense?

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks braveSun,

I'm working on all the things you say. When stress is high, I don't have time to adjust or recuperate from the last "blow". My anxiety goes up when I don't know if she is angry, depressed, or holding something agaist me.

She suspects she is bipolar on top of BPD, and Asperger's. Her mood swings seem to be regular, she is very low on waking up, and some days very manic by the end of the day. She dismised her negative words in the evening as "my brain needs to adjust to the new day, and by the evening all the crazy thoughts are mostly gone".

She got a part time job, and I went to pick her up after her 1st day. She was very happy, and she came running and gave me a hug, a long one, in public! She gave me a second one at home.

Hopefully the job will ground her a bit. Give her something to be proud off, and feel she matters. She's been too long job hunting.

She talked very fast for the rest of the day, and she couldn't sleep much. She says she doesn't remember what she did while I was already in bed. And that she went to bed right before I woke up to go to work.

This morning she said: "I don't wanna live like this anymore. Exhausted in the morning, and crazy in the evening. I'll feel better later and blablabla, but each day starts with this horror." Then she went on about not being comfortable at that house, that it is my house, not hers (she chose it, we are renting).

It is very frustrating and disheartening the work it takes to get her in a good mood, just to see it go down the drain the next morning without any change in our lives.

Maybe I shouldn't pay much attention to that, because it will fade away in some hours. But it feels disrespectful not to treat it as important. I know it is real, even as she herself knows she will feel differently later. And it feels real and scary to me, RS ending, sometimes, even though I heard the same coments before. I don't know how to take it well and with some hope.

When I say something, it is mostly JADE, and even when I validate, she finds a way to turn it back to something very negative. When I don't know what else to say, she doesn't like it either. She says she doesn't know me and she never knows what's in my head, when I don't talk much. When she is talkative, I don't get to say much, there are no pauses. Even when I tell a story, I say a line, and she comments it for 5 minutes, to the point I forget what the story was about.

Talking in person, dialogue or group (phone is worse), it feels like a very hostile environment to me. I have a very hard time, I don't like interrupting people (I don't know how), so I mostly listen. That's great for most people, who really like to listen to themselves, but those who want to hear me, they get frustrated. I know it is a big limitation in comunication for me. But I don't know how to improve.

Summing up, I get sad and anxious until things get a little better and she doesn't answer with very negative lines to everything. And I wish I could control my side of things. Show support without panicking.

[braveSun]

Summing up, I get sad and anxious until things get a little better and she doesn't answer with very negative lines to everything. And I wish I could control my side of things. Show support without panicking.

Hey JoeBPD81   

What you are describing sounds like a classic roller coaster ride... When you talk about anxiety, I can relate. I have that too. And it takes work on my part to get myself back to ground zero. It also looks like you are getting caught into a pattern between the two of you.

By reading a bit more on your backstory, I see that you have made some good changes to improve your situation with your partner and the kids. Since the beginning of this thread at least, you've found a new apartment, you've taken that  big exam, you've moved into the new flat, and you tried your best to be there for the kids, amidst the difficulties surrounding their father.  And now another good news. She's got a part time job!

This is a lot of moving things on... And the sum of all these things can add quite a punch of stress between each other for sure. In the least, individually, you are both having to put in a lot of efforts. I can see how a pwBPD, with limited coping abilities, would feel like pulling the switch off. Yet you keep talking and she keeps wavering.

One thing of the top of my mind is, do you have a T to help you navigate these though patches? I cannot afford a T presently, but if I could I would definitely do it, just for myself. For the times I could have it, it was incredibly helpful.

Than I also though about maybe the possibility to find a support group in your city, for loved ones of pwBPD who are in DBT. I know she might not be ready for groups herself, but there is a tremendous feeling of empowerment you can find when being amongst others who struggles these waters just like you. I see this may be available at the clinic where she gets her treatment, or some other practitioner on town.  I did have a small group therapy patch, just a semester. It was awesome for me, because I could really see and feel the way this affected others than me. And because we shared and all of that, but within a gentle structure, and there were exercises to do, and we were accountable to each other with our own recovery plan.


Backing off to the broad picture in your story, JoeBPD81, you've been on these boards for a while now, you're accumulated quite a bit of knowledge, and you've been plowing on diligently through all thick and thin, how do you feel about your journey now, from that new point of view you've acquired?  What would be your next objective now? What needs attention you think?

Here I'll join HQ and really mean for.your.self now. 

I would like to hear also from other people who have been here for a while, what did you do that made a crucial difference at some point, when you got where things got to a calmer and more stable place?

Brave 

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

thanks a lot for keeping answering my rants.

I tell myself "no wonder things are difficult, we had this and that and that other thing that are strong stressors". But in 4 years, it seems we don't get rid of stressors to choose from every month. So we have to live through them, not wait for an easier life. Same with the kids: "they act up because they just saw their dad, they just had an important test, their birthday is coming, visits alter them... ." There seems to be always a reason for them to act worse than "normal". But normal never comes. THIS is our life.

Nonetheless, I do take into account that we have a lot in our plate, and I praise my GF's coping with all the stress.

Sadly, I don't have a T. I did for a while, my insurance covers 15 sessions a year. Beyond that, I can't afford it. Here in my country you can't call your T after an episode, you just go to your schedulled session, and that's it. In 20 days, we have 40 different fires to put out. So... .These boards are my biggest support.

I'm bound by fear, and I don't like it, but I don't see a solution. If I see people, she assumes I'll be complaining about her, and it's not that she gets mean towards me, the problem is that she gets suicidal. I know she won't act on it, because of the kids, but her depressions are crippling. She is in so much pain. So if I were to go to a T or group to speak about "the trouble she gives me", she'd rather die.

This new job was good news, but then the actual job is a nightmare. Not the job per se. She has a boss that is always screaming and cursing, but at a level we've never seen. Full Metal Jacket style. She hasn't been given any guidelines, but she gets screamed at by making mistakes she couldn't know. With all that, she is already the #1 of her team, getting more results than anybody. But being a victim of violence, this is some stress that she can't take.

I went to pick her up yesterday again, but this time she didn't like it. She was really down at night, and I haven't heard from her today yet. After asking me to not be kind to her, because it hurt that she isn't kind to me, and a lot of crying... .Finally she gave me a hug and thanked me. I hope she's better today... .

[braveSun]

Hi there,

thanks a lot for keeping answering my rants.

I tell myself "no wonder things are difficult, we had this and that and that other thing that are strong stressors". But in 4 years, it seems we don't get rid of stressors to choose from every month. So we have to live through them, not wait for an easier life. Same with the kids: "they act up because they just saw their dad, they just had an important test, their birthday is coming, visits alter them... ." There seems to be always a reason for them to act worse than "normal". But normal never comes. THIS is our life.

Nonetheless, I do take into account that we have a lot in our plate, and I praise my GF's coping with all the stress. 

  Yep!... I agree. This is the way it is...    

So... .These boards are my biggest support.

   These boards are a blessing for sure... Keep on posting JoeBPD81. The more we interact with other people who have similar experiences, the more we learn, the less lonely it is.
 

I'm bound by fear, and I don't like it, but I don't see a solution. If I see people, she assumes I'll be complaining about her, and it's not that she gets mean towards me, the problem is that she gets suicidal. I know she won't act on it, because of the kids, but her depressions are crippling. She is in so much pain. So if I were to go to a T or group to speak about "the trouble she gives me", she'd rather die. 

This is a though situation to be in. I get it. You can't quite lose the focus on her and go on about your day without fears something might come up. While you can't change what she's going to do or say, you can change something about you to help you manage those high anxiety times better. I am struggling with that myself.  It's important for us to carve small moments of self-care throughout our days. To come back to ground base.

I've done some guided meditations for that, some mindfulness and breathing exercise. There are apps you can download that offer some interesting approaches with mind-body connectivity. I like somatic mindfulness a lot. Any type of meditation that helps me ground myself has helped a lot. You can search 'somatic meditation' online and see what comes up.

Other people prefer to get physical regularly, like cleaning the house/yard. Or to workout, take walks. Or to go outside by nature a lot more. Taking pictures...

Any methods are good.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe.

I'm here to gently remind you that taking care of your needs and working on yourself BENEFITS your gf and the kids. You will be in a calmer place, more centred and able to handle things that are going to come up more effectively for all of you. You doing work on how you're affected by all of this can make life easier for you and in turn them.

Your gf will not see it this way, as her fears will take over, but you are the emotionally healthier person and it is up to you to lead the way on what normal looks like. If she threatens suicide take appropriate steps. That does not include curbing the healthy activity you plan for yourself.  In order for things to shift in your situation there is required a shift in yourself. You've already shown yourself how much benefit spending time with friends has for you. Commit to this and consider any ways to access therapy or a support group, as bravesun has suggested. These positive things for you are a priority. The rest will go on anyway. It can't be avoided.  :)ig deep Joe. You can do this.

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Hey Joe, 

I don't have much to add. Having a not so happy day myself, but I am hoping it might pick up later - but I am clear it will only be better if I work my butt off to make it be better and be happy despite... .guess what? Another break up threat and now the silent treatment. While I am away. On vacation. In another country. And sick. So, of course.

So, here are some virtual       for you! And a reminder that you do matter and you are a great guy!

take care, pearl. 

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks guys,

I know, I know... .I feel it's like a Tetris game. If I rest my eyes for a minute, I'll be playing better after, but in that minute, blocks keep falling and the game might be over.

Also, I'm not very social, the 2nd time I saw these friends, they were tired, and it wasn't that great, so the cost was too high later, when she was so down.

I kept at it though. I had lunch with another friend last week.

Another down-side is that it makes me realize how much I miss my GF as a friend too, just chatting without drama. You know?

Anyway, thanks a lot, you keep me in check.

BTW, best of luck, Pearl. Wow!

[Harley Quinn]

That's it Joe.  Persist in doing these things, even if sometimes it isn't what you'd hope in terms of payoff versus the repercussions.  It's all about breeding positive habits that you're less likely to break than one off ideals.  Once you have something regular that is just for you, you will begin to notice the benefits outweighing the negatives. 

As you've described, times will always be challenging.  That's life.  What we must do is make that commitment to ourselves to take some time for ourselves out of all the chaos and drama in order to just be.  That's it.  Just be.  So your lunch with your friend and even meeting up with tired friends for not such a great time is Joe just being Joe.  You are entitled to and more importantly deserve to just be for some of the time.  And build upon that. 

What is important to you aside from your r/s?  What do you wish you could do that doesn't revolve around your family at home?  Baby steps.  Just spend a little time thinking on that.  What dreams have you parked along the way?

Love and light x