Keeping BPD a secret ?

[Carterbc]

After 20 years of experiencing the cycle of abuse (verbal, emotional, phyical), my wife has just been diagnosed with BPD. She is in denial right now. Most importantly I have an 18 year old daughter that experienced the same kind of abuse. Should I explain to her her mother has BPD so that she stops blaming herself ? She will likely tell her mother what I said, and all hell will break loose no doubt. Any suggestions ?

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[Mutt]

Hi Carterbc,

 

Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry to hear about your D18 blaming herself all of these years. I think that it depends if she can handle it. Some people have awareness and some don’t have a lot of awareness it depends on if she would understand that there’s another layer in life that not everyone understands or wants to know - psychology. On the underhand there are some people are non judgmental and are pretty liberal in their thinking. You know her better than anyone on these boarss. What do you think?

[pearlsw]

Hi Carterbc,

I think Mutt put this very well... .I'd just like to pick up on one thread... .is the physical abuse ongoing? Are you safe?

with compassion, pearl.

[AnuDay]

Sometimes you have to do what's right for everyone. BPD is all about avoiding guilt and shame and of course your wife would want to keep something like this a secret but it's up to you to think about who's best interest you are going to be working for.  Easy for me to say hard to do, I've been separated for one year and it's still sometimes hard for me to figure decisions like this.

[Red5]

Two words... .“don’t rescue”,

A few more, .“keeping secrets will have consequences”... .& as well “ bad news does not get better over time”.

I used to make excuses and try to camouflage reality, but there is never a payoff or a moment of clarity, it always comes to a reckoning in the end.

Now if someone ask how my u/BPD wife is doing, I tell the truth.

Red5

[MaineMan]

I agree with telling her. But the discussion requires extreme tact.

Move the conversation in that direction only if she seems open to going there. Otherwise, don't.

The problem is that: you may come off as only interested in criticizing her mom. For that, she may distance you. Believe it or not, she may understand more about her mom than you are aware of.

What is most important is that your connection with your daughter is both strong and healthy. By letting her do most of the talking, you may be able to guide her toward reality. Don't push. Let her get there on her own time. Even if it takes decades.

Perhaps analogous situations, or informative discussions about psychological or personality traits can be proffered. But only in an innocuous context. If in doubt, don't go there. Always be on her side, never on the side that is against her mom.

[DearHusband]

Here's some advice I got about an entirely different subject: If you have the type of kid that doesn't want to talk but would rather process things internally, buy them a book and let them go through it on their own.

Not sure this applies, but it might so I thought I'd throw it out there.

Cheers,
DH

[Mikey26]

Sorry, I wouldn't keep it a secret. My loved BPD one has kept it a secret. Her brothers know, and one of them lives 2000km away. The other one takes no notice of it. She says her parents are too old to be able to absorb such devastating news... .so, guess who's the only one who pays the price? The one who puts up with the insufferable?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Carterbc, Welcome!  I wonder whether it would be possible to arrange for your daughter to talk things over with a therapist?  Sometimes someone outside the family system is a safer alternative, because you have been caught up in the abuse yourself for some 20 years.

LuckyJim

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Carterbc,

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you and your daughter have been through so much over the years.

How are you handling the new diagnosis? How is your W handling it?

I like LuckyJim's idea of having your daughter meet with the therapist. If that isn't really possible, then maybe you could not give your daughter a name for BPD but talk with her about some of the tools on this site or even find a book for her to read, such as "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".

[Enabler]

I can see how BPD goes from generation to generation in real life. My wife cannot understand why her mother treated her the way she did, this in turn generated unattended core shame in my wife. That core shame plays out in her maladapted ways of dealing with stress which in turn impacts the way she deals with our children... .and so the cycle continues.

Is it possible to introduce some of the skills, concepts and ideas such as the Karpman Triangle, emotional caretaking, emotional dysregulation etc to your kid. The biggest thing which seems to have impacted my wife, and many other children of BPD parents is "they didn't mean it". When they dysregulate, they say and act in ways that are associated with hate, disgust and shame, it is uncommon in my experience to get an apology or even acknowledgement of the event afterwards. Since a child (and many of us adults) are programmed to believe what people say is true (especially our parents), we adopt the outbursts as truth. Even the realization that emotional dysregulation can legitimately lead to untruths coming from their own mothers mouth, whilst at the same time suppressing any conscious awareness of "it" ever happening can be a huge lightbulb moment. A lightbulb moment which may or may not prevent BPD from moving to the next generation.

How can you lead you daughter to an area where she can enlighten herself... .how can you sow the seed?

[isilme]

She's 18, and I think slowly introducing the concept of BPD to start might be helpful.  I'd even recommend putting her onto the Family Member boards on this page if you can do so without jeopardizing your own confidentiality with what you need to write.  I know part of why I found this site was to cope with rage in my 30s at realizing just how messed up my parents had been, and guilt over those feelings. 

Is your daughter very enmeshed with her mother?  Is that why you think she will "report" on you for mentioning it?    How is their relationship dynamic, and how is yours with her?

[lenfan]

I am in a similar place with a daughter about the same age. I have been trying to explain it gradually. It is hard because I too have concerns that she will repeat it to her Mom. I also don't want to be triangulating.  This Easter, our Easter brunch was almost ruined when my high functioning uBPDw had a complete nutty fit over my daughter getting some mascara on the carpet. I was out when it started
 and then came home to find the w still going on and on about it like the house had been set on fire. D was very clam and said "I'm not saying anything, I'm not letting this bother me." When my wife was gone, d said  "She has some kind of disorder, a real disorder." I said something to the effect of, "You handled that well by not arguing  and making things escalate," but didn't hit the issue square on. The d was fine until later in the day when she seemed a bit down. I think there is a delayed reaction. I guess I am going to bring  BPD up in small increments when things like this happen or when the time seems appropriate.

Please keep this thread going and let us know how it goes with your d. 

[Mutt]

Hi Carterbc,

You have a lot of thoughtful responses. I’m just curious with what you’re thoughts are?

[AnuDay]

I can see how BPD goes from generation to generation in real life. My wife cannot understand why her mother treated her the way she did, this in turn generated unattended core shame in my wife. That core shame plays out in her maladapted ways of dealing with stress which in turn impacts the way she deals with our children... .and so the cycle continues.

Is it possible to introduce some of the skills, concepts and ideas such as the Karpman Triangle, emotional caretaking, emotional dysregulation etc to your kid. The biggest thing which seems to have impacted my wife, and many other children of BPD parents is "they didn't mean it". When they dysregulate, they say and act in ways that are associated with hate, disgust and shame, it is uncommon in my experience to get an apology or even acknowledgement of the event afterwards. Since a child (and many of us adults) are programmed to believe what people say is true (especially our parents), we adopt the outbursts as truth. Even the realization that emotional dysregulation can legitimately lead to untruths coming from their own mothers mouth, whilst at the same time suppressing any conscious awareness of "it" ever happening can be a huge lightbulb moment. A lightbulb moment which may or may not prevent BPD from moving to the next generation.

How can you lead you daughter to an area where she can enlighten herself... .how can you sow the seed?

Thank you for this post.  There's some great advice in this thread.  In some ways this thread makes me feel better that my daughter's uBPD mother moved out.  I have so much more freedom to rear my children as I want and to put things bluntly to them without sugar coating it.  I don't have to walk on egg shells in my own house anymore. 

I feel that it is important to give my daughters the power of assertion and the power to speak their minds that I didn't have so that they do not have to walk on eggshells themselves. 

My daughters are very young but I still tell them the truth as I see it.  Truth does not change and truth is empowering.  If they see or hear something illogical they immediately question it.  They are much too young to even recognize that their mom has a mental illness, but I am planting the seeds so that when the time is right they will become aware of it at their own pace. 

At this point, it's pretty evident to the oldest, 7, that something is wrong with her mom, but to them that is still their mother and they love her dearly.  I believe since they were born though they knew something was wrong.  Sometimes they would call her "the mom" or call the mom by her first name.  Sometimes the oldest would say she didn't have a mom.  Now she does that jokingly, but I'm sure there's some truth there. 

It all depends on the awareness level of your daughter and how much you are going to stand up for yourself when stuff hits the fan... .because it will.  Perhaps, the best idea has been stated in this thread.  Go to a family or group counseling session and gradually let this stuff out in a supportive environment.  You and your daughter will need each other as well as as much outside support as you can get.   

[Carterbc]

Thank you all so much for your great advice ! I think I will go with my daughter to see a therapist, that way she will take things more seriously. My daughter already believes her mother is Bipolar so this will be not much of a surprise to her. Better yet will validate her. Just learning about BPD behaviours changes everything. In the past my daughter would tell me things her mom did/said, and her mom would deny it... .of course I sided with the mature adult. Feel terrible about this now, as my daughter was telling the truth all along. As for only in the past couple years have I had the ability to speak out... .went to community services counseling, and left pictures of my bruises with them. They didn't seem all that concerned... .when asked if I could get Domestic Violence counseling was told I would have to bring them a police report... .but if I was a woman wouldn't need one. Well at least I am on the mend finally now, and more importantly my daughter too.