So lost—I think I’m staying for her daughter.

[Love.n.Fear]

Hi folks. I'm a hot mess. My gf is undiagnosed. I love her. I love her kid as my own.

She makes almost every day hell in some way. My kids love her and don't want her around.

The highs are amazing. There seem to be to be fewer and fewer of those. I think I'm staying for her daughter.

I'm so sad.

I go to couple therapy with her, solely with the hope that the therapist well tell her about BPD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi there Love.n.Fear.

 

I'm sorry, I know learning about BPD and seeing it in someone you care about and try to share a life with is very difficult.  We try to live for those good days.

I will say this - try to focus less on the T giving her a label.  In many cases when a T tells the pwBPD that they think they have BPD, they shut down and refuse to see the T ever again.

BPD is about out of control emotions and behaviors based on those emotions.  It's about avoiding shame or blame for the bad things they see in their lives.  About avoiding responsibility for how they contribute to the drama. 

The label is good for you to know, as it brought you here, and you have a good place to "talk" as well as a good place to learn from the tools and lessons.

How do you and the kids react when things get rough?  What kinds of things happen that make "every day hell?" How old are the kids?  How long have you been together?

We can't control the person with BPD, but we can influence how they act by working on how WE act.  Often things we do that seem to make sense actually feed the drama cycles and make them even worse.  I can say as someone in a r/s for 22 years with a pwBPD, things CAN improve, but it takes time, it takes us working on us, and it can feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, making progress slow.  We look for patterns, things that we know tend to stress and trigger them, we learn to use effective communication tools like SET (using Sympathy, Empathy, and Truth), and avoid harmful ones like JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining).  We set boundaries about how much abuse we will take before we leave a conversation before we remove children from the environment for a break, and try to encourage only healthy exchanges.

It's a learning curve, it's great you are in T together - that is more than many of us are able to accomplish.  You're in a good place to start and get some help in person and from this community - they've helped me loads :D  Please feel free to post as much as you need, I find writing about it all helps me greatly, and the input is from others who have been in shoes similar to yours.

[Mutt]

Hi Love.n.Fear, 



Id like to join isilme and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going a difficult period in your r/s. isilme gave you an articulate and accurate description of BPD.

The highs are amazing. There seem to be to be fewer and fewer of those.

Id just like to add that BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder and it takes a pwBPD much longer than a non to return to their emotional baseline of happiness.

She’s still the same person that you know regardless of a BPD label her mental illness doesn’t define her as a person. It will you if you learn as you can about BOD it will help you to understand why she acts the that she does and it help you by depersonalizing the behaviours. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[Speck]

Welcome, Love.n.Fear!

 

I wanted to take a moment to join isilme and Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I go to couple therapy with her, solely with the hope that the therapist well tell her about BPD.

I understand where you are coming from, however, I will have to echo what isilme is saying about this. If your girlfriend gets wind that her therapist thinks she suffers from BPD, it is likely that she will just shut down and never go back to therapy. Unfortunately, it takes a massive amount of self-awareness to cause a person with BPD to enter counseling in order to manage it. I don't know if this describes your girlfriend, but from what you have written, she may not be quite there as far as deep introspection goes.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Mutt]

I'm a hot mess.

I'm so sad.

I understand it can be hard to share when you feel emotionally spent. I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing, how are you feeling?