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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I’m feeling raw and I need to post  (Read 543 times)
JNChell
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« on: April 21, 2018, 11:41:25 PM »

I’m taking some advice that was given to me. I was having a lot of trouble with not reaching out to my ex some time ago. That impulse is back, and I have texted her. It’s so pointless, but I continue to do it. Why do I continue this? I’m not even a thought to her anymore.

Being away from this forum isn’t serving me well. I realize how helpful this place really is.
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Turkish
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2018, 11:48:22 PM »

You have a son with her.  You're tied to her by that, and you always will be.  I am too, no matter how much I wish it weren't so. 

What feelings prompted you to reach out?
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JNChell
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2018, 11:55:11 PM »

Honestly, I think they were the burdening feelings of hope. That crap is still lingering and showing it’s face. I’ve been doing a lot of crying tonight. Maybe this stuff is finally coming out of me.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2018, 12:03:12 AM »

“I f*****g hate Pikies”.
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« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2018, 12:12:30 AM »

“I f*****g hate Pikies”.


It's normal to feel this way, you have to understand that your human too. I think that the best way to control your impulse is to delete her number in your phone completely, everywhere. Out of sight out of mind. If that's too difficult for you take baby steps, start by deleting her social media, then changing her name on your phone to DON'T TEXT. You have to be in control of your life. I know it feels like you won't be able to get through this, but trust me you will. And I also know for a fact that she will come running back to you, at which point you will realize she's not worth it, and YOU won't answer her texts. In the meantime concentrate on yourself, because no one can do that for you.  I'm sure you will find yourself.
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Turkish
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« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2018, 12:13:48 AM »

I've been where you are brother. People here told me that time helps. I didn't believe it at the time but it did.  I landed here in 2013. I still struggle at times, the dream of my family imploded. All of this sucks, no two ways about it.  But we are here for you.  

What are you most struggling with?
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« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2018, 12:19:50 AM »

I've been where you are brother. People here told me that time helps. I didn't believe it at the time but it did.  I landed here in 2013. I still struggle at times, the dream of my family imploded. All of this sucks, no two ways about it.  But we are here for you.  

What are you most struggling with?

Turkish I remember posting here just a couple of days ago, trust me man when you learn to accept reality and realize, how better off you are. You tend to be grateful. You literally survived a sinking boat my friend. I'm sure you feel horrible at times, but imagine living with that hurt for the rest of your life till death rips you apart.
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JNChell
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« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2018, 12:24:06 AM »

Turkish, letting our little family fall apart.
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« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2018, 12:26:53 AM »

Turkish, letting our little family fall apart.

JNChellHELL, the question that I think you need to ask yourself is that, could this have been prevented?

The answer is no.

Could you have changed things?

The answer is still no.

Can you make things better for yourself?

Yes
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Turkish
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2018, 12:30:46 AM »

Turkish, letting our little family fall apart.

My T told me thinhs that shocked me at the time: "I sense a lot of your anger stems from you desiring your ex to be who she is not." And: "No matter how unwise you think she is,  she's an independent entity, free to make her own choices."

Maybe we could have done better, but the burden of letting our families fall apart does not rest solely upon us.
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JNChell
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« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2018, 12:37:45 AM »

Thank you, Turkish. This stuff is hard.
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JNChell
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« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2018, 12:48:44 AM »

Turkish.
Yes. You’re right. My hope/anger came from me hoping that she is the woman I met. I know that she isn’t. It’s just hard to let go of. You know, it was there. I saw it and I felt it with her in a certain way. It just disappears.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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JNChell
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« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2018, 12:54:14 AM »

Struggler123, I wish I could completely cut her off. We have a child together.
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JNChell
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« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2018, 01:01:59 AM »

Turkish, my mind is swelling with questions. Thank you.
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JNChell
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« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2018, 01:10:06 AM »

Hey there Struggler123! Thank you for chiming in. I appreciate your input. And yes. You’re correct. There is nothing that I could’ve changed.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2018, 05:35:12 AM »

Hi JNChell

I really dont know w hat to say in terms of advice, I cant imagine where I would be mentally if I had gone through and had the "new years baby" that was planned by her as well as marriage. I think it made alarm bells ring where I could no longer deny to myself that things were starting to go down a more harder to path to ever backtrack on if i didnt do sowmething about that, and i think its where despite the difficulty i got more strength to finally go NC.

I have been a step parent though and regardless of anything to do with my partners, I have always prioritised their wellbeing which I am sure you are a great father and dont need advice on, i know that despite the pain of what you have been through you will like a race horse at the last lap, have that energy to pull through for yourself and your son.

In the midst of putting my BPDx at the centre of my world, I had neglected so many other people in my life who would have and should have received far more attention. It has been wonderful to redirect all that energy now and whilst it is understandable to feel great disappointment for the dissillusionment of it all, I know how this feels, you have the power to enjoy life in a different direction than what was initially expected or planned.

I have a step son who is grown up from a previous r/s, for all intents the bond there is the same as if he were my own, that still applies today despite breaking up with his mother (on peaceful terms).

I had the chance to achieve the dream of my own family, marrying my BPDx and having a child of my own, i was so caught up by that I lost sight of reality and the big picture. If I would have ended up with a child with her, I know that just are you doing I would have pulled myself together for their sake more than even my own.

Since leaving my ex I have managed to put several thousands I would have spent on her into my step son's future and supporting him with his goals. My ex never openly drove a wedge between us, she knew it wasnt possible, but she did machinate my life that he became far less of a focus than he should have been and was prior, for that I feel guilty and overcompensate now for. I can imagine the raw feelings but they have to be harnessed and channeled so you get through this pain and not let it momentarily cloud your vision.

the hardest thing I had to confront was the same, the actual realisation that everything I believed in the R/S was now open to be questioned. Just never forget the love you had for her was always real, I blamed myself too long for things that werent my fault such as "I didnt know a thing about BPD" or "but I let things go on, despite the warning signs",,,"i believed she loved me, she said so"... .there is anger underlying all of these things, from having a dream stolen, embrace it and let it out so you can move on stronger, but dont let it beat yourself each day ruminating. You have been hurt and disappointed, devastatingly so, yet despite that you wont compound that hurt and make it worse further by blaming yourself. thats the only advice I can give that has worked for me JNChell, and always hoping the best for you, as you have been a source of strength for me.
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2018, 05:59:13 AM »

JNChell,

Sometimes when I feel blue and want to reach out to my ex, I come here and re-read my first postings.

I just read your very first post.  Perhaps if you read it again, you’ll be able to fight the feeling of contacting her.  With the passage of time, our minds seem to blur the very sharp edges of bad memories and we tend to gravitate toward the good ones.

I empathize with you so much.  My ex was so wonderful to me the night we broke up... .one of the best nights we ever had.  My thoughts revert back to that night but then... .

I think about how quickly she morphed into another human being.  Nasty, sarcastic, judging... .just itching for a fight.  Out of absolutely nowhere.

We are better off.  The wonderful, loving woman I knew is a figment of my imagination.  She will never change, and I am too old to live out the rest of my life in chaos and turmoil in hopes for the little crumbs of love she might toss my way.

Stay strong... .we’re all here in the same boat and ready to shore you up.

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« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2018, 06:32:18 AM »

JNChell,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, bud. Be kind to yourself.

You're right, this is tough… But you're tougher.


-Speck
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JNChell
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« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2018, 08:38:38 AM »

Hey, Cromwell! Thanks for chiming in.

In the midst of putting my BPDx at the centre of my world, I had neglected so many other people in my life who would have and should have received far more attention.

I did the same thing. It felt like so much focus and attention was required to keep the relationship breathing, that I completely lost focus of other things. Other people! I feel guilty about that. Folks would try and try to get me to socialize.

This stuff is just a whirlwind. It’s crazy and I want no part of it ever again.

I have a step son who is grown up from a previous r/s, for all intents the bond there is the same as if he were my own, that still applies today despite breaking up with his mother (on peaceful terms).

This is awesome, Cromwell! I’m happy anytime that I see people being there for kids regardless of the situation. It wasn’t conditional for the kids. They really are loved, and situations like that prove it to them. I regret not being able to be that for my ex’s D8, soon to be 9. There was a point where it was allowed to blossom, but it was eventually shot down.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
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« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2018, 08:51:38 AM »

Stixx44, thank you! It was a rough night. Hell, it’s a rough morning!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  and I appreciate you sharing here. It helps. Isn’t it amazing how some of our exes can just morph like that. I’ve read several times that pwBPD, and others, will disregulate after a good experience with their partner. I can’t call it true, but I can say that I’ve experienced it first hand... .
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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JNChell
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« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2018, 08:52:34 AM »

Speck, thank you.
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« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2018, 11:01:22 AM »

Hey JNChell,

I'm sorry to hear about all of this but you did the right thing by posting here. I'm grateful to have somewhere to put my rawness.

I'm sorry that stuff is resurfacing. You can be doing everything right and using all of your tools and BAM it still hits you.

How are you holding up now?
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JNChell
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« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2018, 11:08:33 AM »

Hi, lighthouse9! Thanks for relating. I truly appreciate it. To answer your question, I’m fine really. It’s just an emotional setback I guess. I was a sobbing mess last night. I don’t know where it came from. It just happened. Honestly though, I feel like some unwanted pressure has lifted.
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« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2018, 11:16:05 AM »

I'm glad you could let it out. I haven't had one of those in a bit but when they come, I always feel better after for letting them out. The last one I had was after looking at stuff for my apartment with my mom. I could feel it welling up in the checkout line and was able to get to the car before letting it out. It's just going to happen I guess.

They do feel like setbacks though, I hear you on that.
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« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2018, 11:25:05 AM »

I'm glad you could let it out. I haven't had one of those in a bit but when they come, I always feel better after for letting them out. The last one I had was after looking at stuff for my apartment with my mom. I could feel it welling up in the checkout line and was able to get to the car before letting it out. It's just going to happen I guess.

They do feel like setbacks though, I hear you on that.


I can only imagine how difficult this can be for you. In no way is it going to be easy, but you have to xoncentrate on your well -being as well, be kind to yourself in the next coming days. It’ll get better and im sure everything you giys share will fall into place but patience is virtue. Take baby steps and before you know it youll be climbing the mountain. Good luck! Keep us updated
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JNChell
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« Reply #25 on: April 22, 2018, 12:01:02 PM »

lighthouse9, that’s interesting. I just began shopping yesterday for necessities for the townhouse that S3 and I will be sharing. I ordered a bed for him. Maybe everything is becoming more final with each step that needs to be made. It is what it is, I just feel really bad at this point in time.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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JNChell
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« Reply #26 on: April 22, 2018, 12:09:33 PM »

I don’t feel worthy of my duties for this support group. I want to be, but I don’t feel that it’s fair to the members and newbies to get feedback from someone that can still retract to this level. I thought I was making progress. I was wrong.
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Struggler123
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« Reply #27 on: April 22, 2018, 12:17:39 PM »

I don’t feel worthy of my duties for this support group. I want to be, but I don’t feel that it’s fair to the members and newbies to get feedback from someone that can still retract to this level. I thought I was making progress. I was wrong.

You have no reason to feel this way. You’re human, and we all hurt, love and retract. Theres no blame on you ever. You have to remember you are the sailor of your boat, and by talking about it you are making progress. Do you know the amount of people that won’t even talk about it? Numerous I tell you. Keep your head up, and be kind to yourself. Its a rocky journey but step by step, you will be where you have to be. Everything we go through in life is a struggle, but we are never given more than we can chew. Its time to face your fears step by step, be the person you never thought you could be. Never lose your dignity and self respect, ever because no one can take that away from you. Talk to us, and your already half way there. Positive thoughts for you. Keep us updated.
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JNChell
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« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2018, 12:35:47 PM »

ou have no reason to feel this way. You’re human, and we all hurt, love and retract. Theres no blame on you ever. You have to remember you are the sailor of your boat, and by talking about it you are making progress. Do you know the amount of people that won’t even talk about it? Numerous I tell you. Keep your head up, and be kind to yourself. Its a rocky journey but step by step, you will be where you have to be. Everything we go through in life is a struggle, but we are never given more than we can chew. Its time to face your fears step by step, be the person you never thought you could be. Never lose your dignity and self respect, ever because no one can take that away from you. Talk to us, and your already half way there. Positive thoughts for you. Keep us updated.

Thank you, Struggler123. Your post means a lot. It has helped to calm me down. You know, through all of this, I’ve turned the microscope on myself more than my ex. I am still guilty of picking her apart, but turning my focus inward has been eye opening. A bit overwhelming to be honest. I’m trying hard to grasp and sit with Radical Acceptance , while, at the same time, dig through my past to figure out why I am who I’ve been. I’ve been compartmentalizing these things lately. This just isn’t healthy, but it’s been a habit. I’m sorry for ranting, and I thank you for posting.
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JNChell
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« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2018, 12:50:45 PM »

Turkish, I am tied to her. I’m still trying to sell her on how we need to be a family. Christ, I did that through every recycle. It always brought her back.
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