Remembering my worst reactive moments, am I BPD?

[1hopefulhuman]

Sometimes I reflect on my worst reactive moments and wonder if I have BPD or was it my co-dependency freaking out or am I just a normal person who couldn't take the abuse anymore?

Last year during the argument that lead to my BPDxh making the decision to end our r/s (break up our family and immediately move out) I fell apart completely which triggered the hell out of him.

He woke up one Sunday very distant emotionally, I just got the news and informed him I was free the next week for the family vacation we had been wanting to take with our son. For some reason he went hard on me "Your so needy, why do we all need to go on a trip together?" We argued about it because I could not understand the logic,  the day before he was lovey dovey and quite honestly my feelings were very hurt and confused - I didn't know about BPD or tools then. Later that night when I came home my son said "mommy the dog peed on the carpet" and my BPDxh said spitefully "that's because your mom is a child and she doesn't let the dog out" I. LOST. MY. MIND. I threw the paper towel roll at the wall and screamed like a crazy person how mean and cruel he was and I sobbed on the floor by the carpet screaming how sad I was and how I didn't deserve this I cant take it anymore. I melted into a complete blubbering mess of hopelessness.

Note: I came from an abusive childhood, mom was severe alcoholic. My meltdown was a mirror of my childhood trauma.

Now in retrospect I wonder, did I ruin it and kill our family with my overreaction? Or am I just a normal human that can only take so much abuse? It felt as if he was pushing me and pushing me to go to this extreme. Giving him a reason to leave me, hate me etc... .bait?

He claimed my meltdown reminded him of his mothers anger issues and it triggers him (she is def a narc or BPD... .). he often relates or projects his mom issues onto me.

Thoughts?

[In a bad way]

I know where you are coming from,
you are just a normal person who reacted to being abused.
I was guilty of it myself and was then accused of being the abusive one, that is how they are, they push and push until they break us and we snap and then they say we are the ones with the problem.
Whether it's intentional on their part or they just don't realise, who knows, but that is what mine did to me over and over.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear 1hopefulhuman-
Nope... .I don't think so... .he shifted the blame squarely onto you, where it did NOT belong.  When you absorb verbal blow after blow, sometimes you have to finally "raise your arms" to block the next one.  Your raising your arms came in the form of raising your voice.  You'd had enough of the abuse.  It happens... .

As you move through the detachment process toward healing, hopefully you'll find that he did you a great service by deciding to leave.  It's so hard to leave these abusive relationships.  Even when we know we must.

Please take good care of yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[1hopefulhuman]

It's so hard to leave these abusive relationships.  Even when we know we must.

Thank you Gemsforeyes, yes it is hard knowing we must leave the r/s. It's hard to swallow there are no other options. Its hard to understand why they choose misery. I guess I was choosing misery too!  I must say, the past 2-3 weeks I have committed to detaching I have felt much lighter and optimistic... .is this what life can be like? And when I'm feeling down I have only myself to look at.

I'm in a phase now where I wonder if he could see in some way his behavior, is ashamed of it and left because he doesn't want to hurt me. I honestly think there is a side to him that might think this, is it possible? maybe wishful thinking

[1hopefulhuman]

...   they push and push until they break us and we snap and then they say we are the ones with the problem.

I'm sorry you also had this terrible experience. It's a little bit crazy making huh? why do they push? sometimes I wonder if they are unable to express their own feelings so they push us to have the HUGE emotional release that THEY are actually wanting... .and they get it through us in a creepy enmeshed way.

man it's good to be detached

[Mutt]

Hi 1hopefulhuman,

I think that it’s a normal reaction. Do you recall all of the behaviour and how many things that you had to keep the peace with? It builds up slowly inside over a period of time the hurt feelings, invalidation, frustration, resentment, sadness.

You had to put up with a lot and it gets the best sometimes your ex knew how to push your buttons. Don’t be hard on yourself getting upset is normal it doesn’t make you a pwBPD.

[once removed]

hi 1hopefulhuman,

it might comfort you to know that many of us ask this question. i asked it myself. i dont have BPD, but looking back, there was a great deal i wasnt proud of, could have done better, or quite frankly, was a legitimate issue of mine that i definitely didnt want to bring into future relationships. youve made some connections that give you pause, and i applaud you for doing the deep dive.

self diagnosis can be pretty tricky, but i think its healthy and reasonable to say "i have these concerns... .what can i do about them?"

are you seeing a therapist?

[toughday]

I'm in a phase now where I wonder if he could see in some way his behavior, is ashamed of it and left because he doesn't want to hurt me. I honestly think there is a side to him that might think this, is it possible? maybe wishful thinking

I’m not sure this is possible, at least not long term. Maybe in a fleeting moment there might be some clarity. At least from my own experience that’s the case. My exBPDgf had one moment in two years. I wrote a list of all the things I missed about her. She said it was so beautiful it made her cry. She commented that she was sure I could write a list of all the bad things I don’t miss about her too. This I think is the only time she rationalised her behaviour.

And even if he as had this moment of awareness how long would it last. Till the next time you do something he feels the need to punish you for. This condition leaves us with so many questions but for me this original post sums up the biggest which is how I changed. What I became in this relationship. My ex is ill she couldn’t help herself. I’m not and I behaved despicably at times.

We are capable of relflection and remorse my exgf isn’t. It’s all my fault. They push and push until we crack and then use this as evidence against us. My ex always used to say after I reacted “when someone shows you who they really are you should listen”as to why she should leave. I would list all of the things she said and had done including physical abuse but it just wouldn’t register.

As someone mentioned above if you aren’t taking to a therapist I would consider it. It has helped me organise my feelings, there are times when I still blame myself but I can rationalise it and I know deep down that most people couldn’t have tolerated what I went through without reacting.

Be kind to yourself