Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 04, 2021, 12:22:31 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Are you stuck? Could it be down to your beliefs?  (Read 505 times)
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« on: July 08, 2018, 06:23:12 PM »

When I first arrived here, one article hit me square between the eyes and explained so much to me about the dynamic of my r/s.  Although I share this often, new members arrive on our board daily and even longer term members may find a refresh helpful from time to time (I know I did!). 

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

To summarise one part of the article, here are the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck:

1 Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2 Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3 Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you
4 Belief that love can prevail
5 Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6 Clinging to the words that were said
7 Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8 Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9 Belief that you need to stay to help them
10 Belief that they have seen the light

There are further explanations within the body of the article, and I would recommend these are read for context around the beliefs.  That information certainly was an eye opener for myself.  I struggled with a number of these beliefs, however having that understanding of what the reality was versus my thinking allowed for me to begin gaining some control over my detaching and healing.  It hurt, but I understood that the short term pain was worth it to save me far more pain long term.

So, if you are feeling stuck right now, could it be one or more of these beliefs holding you back? 

Tell us which of these apply to you now, and/or which of these you have let go of on your healing journey.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
40days_in_desert
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 245



« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2018, 09:36:49 PM »

Thank you for sharing again HQ. I remember reading this a while back. In the three years my ex and I have been apart, I have experienced/felt all but one of these 10 beliefs. Most have faded out and a few are almost there. This is an excellent refresher!
Logged

“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
WindofChange
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart two months
Posts: 243



« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2018, 02:17:29 PM »

1 Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2 Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3 Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you
4 Belief that love can prevail
5 Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6 Clinging to the words that were said
7 Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8 Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9 Belief that you need to stay to help them
10 Belief that they have seen the light

This was an eye-opening article for me as well. I definitely made the mistake of believing 1,2,3,4,5,7,9,10. I was stuck for a long time because of these beliefs as well. I've moved forward some--I know it wouldn't work out if we tried again, and I know our relationship wasn't healthy--but #9 is still giving me issues because he's struggling with depression and a job loss. We're living separately, but I worry so much about him. I just posted in detail about this on another thread. It's so hard to let this last thing go--worrying about him and wanting to help him in some day. Feeling so sad because he's struggling so much.
Logged

Be kind always.
WindofChange
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2018, 11:26:40 AM »

In the three years my ex and I have been apart, I have experienced/felt all but one of these 10 beliefs. Most have faded out and a few are almost there.

That's great to hear 40days.  Which has been hardest for you to shake?

It's so hard to let this last thing go--worrying about him and wanting to help him in some day. Feeling so sad because he's struggling so much.

I can relate to this.  I went to huge lengths to try to make his life easier after we split up and was still treated badly.  That shouldn't have surprised me!  Eventually I stopped and took a good long hard look at what I was doing.  I was hurting and in a real mess financially, my son had been placed with his father, I'd had to start taking antidepressants to get through the day and there I was failing to consider what was good for me. 

What changed was when the following words stuck with me:  You are not responsible for him, his behaviour or the state of his life.  It became my mantra for a while.  We are only responsible for ourselves.  If you'd never met him, he'd still continue his behaviour and have the same issues.  If you moved to the other side of the world, he'd continue... .Ten years from now, chances are he'll be in the same pattern... .  Let yourself off the hook and let go of any guilt. 

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
WindofChange
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart two months
Posts: 243



« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2018, 05:15:29 AM »


What changed was when the following words stuck with me:  You are not responsible for him, his behaviour or the state of his life.  It became my mantra for a while.  We are only responsible for ourselves.  If you'd never met him, he'd still continue his behaviour and have the same issues.  If you moved to the other side of the world, he'd continue... .Ten years from now, chances are he'll be in the same pattern... .  Let yourself off the hook and let go of any guilt. 

Love and light x

That is a great point, HQ. I have been telling myself that, and after some events of this past weekend, it's definitely getting easier to let go and think about him less. I did start feeling a little sad about things last night, and was praying a bit, and what came to me was, "Close the door and walk away." And that's what I need to do. Close the door on this chapter of my life and walk forward into the next. 
Logged

Be kind always.
WindofChange
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2018, 06:14:40 AM »

That is good to hear as it sounds like you're ready.  We all have to reach that point in our own time.  It's often still difficult and can be very painful however pain is temporary.  The value of your life and you as an individual is not.  People will come and go in our lives and the one person who is always with us is ourselves.  We owe it to ourselves to take as much care of us as we would others.  That was a big step for me to begin doing, and even small habit changes make a noticeable difference.  Turn that care and consideration towards yourself and only good will come of it.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10287



WWW
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2018, 10:24:55 AM »

These articles spoke to me because it felt like it really understood the experience that I was going through and it helped me process the anger and grief.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2018, 06:33:12 PM »

Thanks Mutt.  That's good to hear that it helped you process the feelings. 

I was angry too.  A lot of that anger was directed at my ex for the things he had done, the way he had behaved and in reading the explanations within the beliefs I then began to feel angry at him for following such a set pattern of behaviour.  Which was irrational, as how could he help it?  But I think I was angry at him for not being different, for not being the pwBPD who doesn't act and think that way.  I clearly had very high expectations of him to be 'the one who broke the mould'.  Looking back now, I see how unrealistic those expectations were.

Reading the article I also cried a lot.  Tears of disbelief, loss, desolation.  The truth was very hard to take.  I'd hung so much on my own version of how things 'ought to be' and wasn't ready to accept.  The article moved me towards acceptance and as painful and deeply uncomfortable as it was to go through that, I know it had to happen.  That was my first move towards letting go of hope.  This is why I feel the article is really valuable for others in the same position.  Whether we're ready for it or not, it tells us our story.  It hurts to see that our story is also someone else's story, in fact many people's stories.  Because the things that felt so unique to us in our situations were not unique at all and that's a real gut punch. 

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!