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Author Topic: Any experience filing a harassment order or OFP  (Read 3262 times)
Chitchat
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Relationship status: Romantic (on - off) August 2017 to June 2018. DV. Both reached out but both mostly No Contact since.
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« Reply #30 on: September 14, 2018, 07:40:47 AM »

You are afraid because he has a firearm?
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #31 on: September 14, 2018, 12:20:27 PM »

That’s a really good question. When he was coming to my home over and over I did feel a great deal of anxiety and was worried. His behavior is unpredictable and rageful and it’s frightening that someone who cannot control themselves has multiple guns. I talked to my therapist about this and she said people who have this disorder are much more likely to harm themselves than others and that he’s too narcissistic to harm himself (despite threatening suicide to me when I tried to leave at one point).  So I’ve calmed myself down that he’s not going to physically harm me.

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« Reply #32 on: September 14, 2018, 12:29:53 PM »

Hello HopelessBroken... .I am very sorry this is happening to you. From your posts I can detect the stress, anxiety and fear you must be feeling. Maybe it's time to get an RO and stick to your guns (no pun intended) to try to stay away as far as possible. Wishing you tons of strength and courage... .
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« Reply #33 on: September 14, 2018, 02:38:26 PM »

Oh, poor Hopeless; Concur - I am sad to hear about the recent email and its effect on you.

Maybe since you two have had similar breakups in the past that recycled, despite the NC and time involved in this breakup, he still cannot comprehend why or how this is different? Not like before, or why you haven't yet apologized to him and come back.  I imagine that could be why he just keeps on, now apparently trying to elicit some response with something that he thinks you may have really enjoyed?

I hope you stay NC, and I hope you are able to get past this.  I do worry about your safety, but I am just a worrier   You know the situation better than I, so I trust your judgement.  These things certainly aren't easy.

Sending you positive thoughts -
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #34 on: September 14, 2018, 06:08:08 PM »

This one is different than in the past. He discarded me and wouldn’t budge an inch with my apologies. I tried to get together to meet and he accepted then refused. Usually he would push back but accept getting together to talk and ultimately back together. This time was a big no.

Ironically earlier on when I blocked him on my phone after he raged and hung up on me, he wrote an email saying he hoped to get together and sort through “our” f*cked up pasts with the hopes of being together and that he would always love me. After I accepted, he wrote three days later that he didn’t want to do that, I had ruined our chances of a life together and he had moved on. Stating “I f*cking hate you.”

So, it’s like he is done but won’t stop contacting me. Which is so confusing. I’m taking it as a punishment for how horrible he feels I’ve been? I just don’t get it. I’m just starting to realize (as screwed up as this sounds) just how verbally abused I’ve been.

Do you really think he thinks I’m coming back?  He’s emailed that he’s had 13 affairs on me? Who would ever go back to that?

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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #35 on: September 14, 2018, 06:30:37 PM »

... .and I forgot to add. This time was very different in the aspect that we made the decision to go all in. I met and spent time with his kids. Met and spent time with our families and friends. Made a plan to move in together and decided to have a child. None of these steps had occurred before. As far as I saw it, we were invested. Then the discard. Lots more thrown away. Maybe that stuff was only different for me and not in his rationale. The discard before only me.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #36 on: September 14, 2018, 07:44:56 PM »

Hi HopelessBroken

If you add whatever (and I think there is a PD of some sort) on top of him having a stressful job, alcohol issues?
Its going to be hard to pinpoint or make any sense of a lot of the behaviour. You werent aware of the (alleged) 13 affairs, what else does he keep hidden about himself or what he is up to? When I got messages from my ex, they were mostly disinhibited with alcohol I believe now, basically what im saying is, making sense of it can be problematic and never straightforward, least of all when dealing with BPD which is rooted at times in psychosis. (there is nothing to make sense of, it is just by its nature, bizarre)

with regards to firearms, dont let this wreck your mind he just sounds a pest rather than obsessed. I get from the tone of the posts that he is just annoyed that you havent been visibly hurt or distressed, or chased after him, filled up his ego, sidestepped the provocation each time. That you dont miss "mr wonderful" or gods greatest gift. Remember his post "miss this?". Let him keep messaging, more clues for your therapist to work on, narcissistic traits, not very nice sign, and hopefully beyond the initial disappointment it gives you more evidence that you were right not to want to ever go back.

hope your doing otherwise in the midst of it all.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #37 on: September 16, 2018, 10:30:35 PM »

I'm going to post about another aspect of your situation.  Your history is a cycle of breakups and makeups.  With that history, court and those around the court who could potentially help you End the relationship might worry, "Is this yet another breakup-makeup?"  You see, if they think you're eventually going to get back together with him, they may see you as a revolving door litigant, repeatedly coming back to court for help but then going right back to the dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  In that scenario, their help will be minimal, why should they waste time and effort aiding someone who will ultimately ignore their advice and go right back?

Do you see my point?  Are you 100% sure the relationship is ended?  Are you positive there is nothing he could do that would woo you back into his web yet again?  Have you finally learned your lesson?  Are you truly ready to break this history of up and down cycles?

As I wrote, I ask this because the professionals will fight harder for you if they know you will absolutely not get back together with him, ever.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #38 on: September 18, 2018, 06:27:50 PM »

The funny thing is, other than my therapist and my cousin , I let no one in about all the breakups. I was embarrassed I think, looking back, of how crazy it seemed that he kept breaking up with me and I kept making up with him.  There is no chance of us getting back together ever. He sees me as the issue therefore will never make changes. I will not tolerate this treatment any longer. He wants nothing to do with me and the email detailing cheating with 13 people sealed it for me. The history is broken. It’s been two months since he left. In the past we never went more than one week.

It will be a week tomorrow that I’ve heard from him. I’m thinking and hoping he’s done with the contact.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #39 on: September 24, 2018, 09:23:45 PM »

Good evening!

Feeling really good tonight and just wanted to update that in two days it will be two weeks with no phone calls or emails. This really feels good. I’m so less anxious.

And, Wednesday I start going to a support group I found for women who have been in abusive relationships. Things are looking up! 
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BasementDweller
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« Reply #40 on: September 26, 2018, 04:38:09 AM »

Good evening!

Feeling really good tonight and just wanted to update that in two days it will be two weeks with no phone calls or emails. This really feels good. I’m so less anxious.

And, Wednesday I start going to a support group I found for women who have been in abusive relationships. Things are looking up! 

This is great news, HB! I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and have gotten a break from the madness. Perhaps your refusal to engage did the trick.   He may pop up and try again, but keep playing it cool. You've got this! 
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #41 on: September 26, 2018, 09:12:02 PM »

I spoke too soon. He called my work cell phone, that I never use and didn’t think he had the number to, this morning at 12am. It was on my desk at work where I always leave it.  This is so weird.


But I did attend the support group tonight for the first time and it was great!
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BasementDweller
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« Reply #42 on: September 27, 2018, 08:45:09 AM »

I spoke too soon. He called my work cell phone, that I never use and didn’t think he had the number to, this morning at 12am. It was on my desk at work where I always leave it.  This is so weird.


But I did attend the support group tonight for the first time and it was great!

Oh... .yikes. Yeah, that is really strange. 
But great news about the therapy group! If you don't mind sharing, what kind of topics came up in the meeting? I'm curious as I have never been to one of those types of group meetings.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #43 on: September 27, 2018, 06:20:16 PM »

Just in case you need it later... .log or journal that call and the details... .date, time, left a VM or not, etc.  Might even take a picture of the screen display.  Probably you'll never need it, but if you do end up needing it, then you'll have it.  You can always delete the stuff later once you're confident this problem is far in the past and this chapter in your life is firmly closed.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #44 on: September 27, 2018, 10:42:30 PM »

So, the group is for women who have experienced emotional, physical or sexual violence. It takes place at a domestic violence shelter.  The topic this week was self esteem and compassion towards ourselves. It’s amazing how we treat ourselves vs how we treat others when it comes to compassion.  One woman came up to me after group and asked me if we were possibly dating the same man as my story sounded so much like hers. I found the group very helpful.

Although when I got home I felt odd. It’s as if hearing others stories that sounded just like mine made this whole terrible experience seem more real. I know that probably sounds weird.

So I hammered a plate of nachos.

Somehow nachos can make everything better.

And yes, I’m doing exactly that. I made a file folder as you guys suggested and named it “loser.”  I put all the correspondence in it just incase.
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BasementDweller
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« Reply #45 on: September 28, 2018, 05:11:06 AM »

So, the group is for women who have experienced emotional, physical or sexual violence. It takes place at a domestic violence shelter.  The topic this week was self esteem and compassion towards ourselves. It’s amazing how we treat ourselves vs how we treat others when it comes to compassion.  One woman came up to me after group and asked me if we were possibly dating the same man as my story sounded so much like hers. I found the group very helpful.

This sounds like a great resource and a terrific way to get some support from others that truly understand this complex situation first hand. Someone who has never lived through such events... .perhaps conceptually, they can understand, but not on the deep levels that we can. Like you were, when you spoke with that lady in your group, I am often stunned by how many others' experiences with BPD partners are so similar to my own - right down to some of the bizarre and twisted things they say.


Although when I got home I felt odd. It’s as if hearing others stories that sounded just like mine made this whole terrible experience seem more real. I know that probably sounds weird.

So I hammered a plate of nachos.

Somehow nachos can make everything better.

And yes, I’m doing exactly that. I made a file folder as you guys suggested and named it “loser.”  I put all the correspondence in it just incase.

It sounds perfectly reasonable. I thought the same when I started posting here. Part of me was relieved to learn I hadn't imagined what I was experiencing. Aaaaaand... .part of me was horrified when I realized how real and valid it actually was.

I support the nacho cure. Nachos make so many things better. I may take a page out of your playbook and whip up a batch of super nachos, and make a "loser" file of my own. Ok... .maybe not "loser"... ."nuisance" might be a better term for my situation. 
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #46 on: September 29, 2018, 11:24:21 PM »

Today I read the book “ I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”  I wish I would have read this years ago. Or known of his diagnosis years ago. 

So tonight after finishing the book I checked my email and have yet another message. This one completely different than all the others I’ve received. It’s number eight that I have gotten since going no contact.

“Please help me! The pain is unbearable! Please just tell me you hate me or something so that I can let you go.”

WHAT? Does he not remember breaking up with me, verbally abusing me, disclosing 13 affairs, continuously telling me he doesn’t love me,  flaunting his new girlfriend in front of me... .

It’s taking everything in me to stay no contact. What IS this? Do they truly not remember what they said or their actions?
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BasementDweller
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« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2018, 02:58:13 AM »

Oh, HB. I can understand how upsetting this must be for you - and how desperate he is getting. I do believe he IS in horrible pain, and those previous antagonistic emails were his way of trying to get you to do what he is now begging you to do. In a sense he wants you to snap his neck in some sort of final "Coup de Grace" because in the state he's in now, he's grasping for some sort of relief and wants you to deliver the death blow.

But you can't. It's not possible and nothing you do or say will fix this, or what goes on in his troubled head. The problem and the disorder lie within him, and nobody will be able to make him well, or even better. Except him - in cooperation with a really good therapist.

My ex did the same. His contacts to me were not as threatening or strange as yours, but recently he sent me a very emotional email demanding to know why I hurt him so bad and to lay a guilt trip on me. Same as you, I was loving, loyal, and kind to him. People with BPD cannot see or recognize that. They don't trust it, and the closer you are to them, the more they blame you for the hell that exists in their own minds. And nothing you say or do can fix it. There is also an element with pwBPD where they want others to feel as low and as bad as they do. Have you ever heard that analogy about how crabs can't escape from a bucket that has the lid off, because as soon as they start to move toward the top, the others pull them back down? That's what pwBPD do too. If they see you escaping - they want to pull you back down into hell with them. You don't want to be there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality

I am still going to suggest that you don't respond. It's the hardest now, because he is not being mean or antagonistic. He's being sad and vulnerable, and any sane person would WANT to help. But it won't. It will only start the cycle of misery over again, because you can't ever give him permanent relief. I couldn't with my ex either. I still feel bad about that, but I also know - the impossible is just that. The best thing we can do for ourselves is get out of the bucket, and stay out. 

Keep posting here when you feel like you might give in and get back into the fray again. Or when it gets to hard/sad/frustrating to deal with his attempts to bait you. So many of us have been there. From my own personal experiences, the one thing I did that went the furthest to help my emotional recovery was to stop responding to his emotional manipulations. Once I took back that control, I felt SO much better. Hang in there... .there's a lot of support here, and people who fully understand what you are going through right now.
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Panda39
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« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2018, 11:04:55 AM »

“Please help me! The pain is unbearable! Please just tell me you hate me or something so that I can let you go.”

This is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail in an effort to boundary bust... .in an effort to get you to break your "no contact" boundary.

More on FOG... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Hang in there,
Panda39
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2018, 12:27:13 PM »

BD and P you are both so right. I also wonder if there is something else going on with him that triggered this. His ex wife (whom he divorced) is getting married this Saturday. Ironically, we were attending a wedding this Saturday as well. I had a plan to make it a great weekend for him as to support how tough it might feel for him.  Now I’m going to the wedding alone. Neat.

I found myself thinking, if he was in pain over the breakup a normal person would write something similar to “ I miss you. I made a mistake. Can we talk?”

But then it pops into my head... .he isn’t normal. This isn’t normal.
This is a big step for me as I’ve been blaming myself relentlessly for everything that happened and everything I could have done differently.

I read the article on FOG. I think it’s spot on. There is ZERO thought or empathy to the hell his behavior has put me through. Thinking he loved me as I loved him meanwhile he was sleeping with anyone he could find and Abusing me regularly. But he’s in pain now so I need to help him?

And I won’t respond, no matter how much I want to tell him I would unplug his life support to charge my cell phone.

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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #50 on: October 02, 2018, 04:12:27 PM »

This is negative engagement.  While he may truly be in distress emotionally, you can't help him.  Responding would just renew communication, encourage further contact.  It's a conundrum, there is no good answer.

I have a coffee mug with a Gary Larson comic on it, It has some red guy with a pitchfork , horns and a tail prodding a guy to open a door.  Each has a sign, one reads, "Damned if you do" and the other "Damned if you don't".  Sigh.  That's the extremes we face.  Don't let it get to you.
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« Reply #51 on: October 03, 2018, 05:34:30 PM »

I absolutely agree and I will not respond. Nor do I think he truly is upset about me. He never cared about me.

Yesterday I found out about yet another woman he was sleeping with during our relationship. So I now know three of the 10. How do I get over the intense feelings connected to this?

It infuriates me that I’m left living in a house we were moving into together, attending therapy weekly, on medication, reading books nightly on self esteem and abusive relationships and attending a domestic abuse support group weekly... .all while he’s out dating and having the time of his life with all these women.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #52 on: October 03, 2018, 06:14:10 PM »

Dr Joe Carver has a site where one of his handouts (articles) is entitled, "Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships".  Look at your situation from another perspective... .Don't you agree he's the real Loser?

You might want to read our post & PDF download on clinical psychologist Joe Carver and also his assortment of articles on his own website.  In particular read his article "Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships".
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Cromwell
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« Reply #53 on: October 04, 2018, 02:38:19 AM »



It infuriates me that I’m left living in a house we were moving into together, attending therapy weekly, on medication, reading books nightly on self esteem and abusive relationships and attending a domestic abuse support group weekly... .all while he’s out dating and having the time of his life with all these women.

its interesting about how we can perceive ourselves and how others can.

For instance, since you have came to this board - i have looked up to you; I see a very strong person behind all the steps you have taken.

Then today, I read "infuriated".

HopelessBroken, it took me about half a year, post relationship after 2.5 years of holding on to it. to just BEGIN to start getting angry.

but we are different; I didnt want to go to therapy, take meds, read self help books, I tried to sabotage my reaching out on this board. It worked, I got banned.

Why should I feel like a victim, why should I go through all this, I had done nothing to deserve it. Then that bitch is out there "having the time of her life" after causing so much pain - confusion.

Her type should have been in an institution, for the damage she causes, whats wrong with this world?

those were my thoughts - they stagnated what should have been getting the help that I needed. It was still about her.

He could sleep with a new woman each night, HB, he will never have true happiness because he hasnt got the guts to do what you are doing now. Youve reached out for help, searching for it - for you to get better, and you will.

Remember what I said about what I thought about his behaviour at the fairground. He was trying to make you jealous.  Confident, self secure, emotionally well developed people dont need to do this (all the qualities you would expect from a police officer).

Hes a fake, HB, and the best he can do to prop up his self illusion is to get validation from others. This involves you begging him back, or reacting jealousy to his behaviour. youve done none of it, ignored his calls, in your posts youve been confused by it all, shocked at how the guy you felt so highly about is now behaving so pathetically.

"having the time of his life"?

all I can say is "what life?", he sounds like a sad case, and when I started to see my ex in that light - detachment became speedy. When I started to realise I was pining for a sad case, and not the value that I thought I had lost, I started to get angry at how "stupid" I was to have been duped, but that goes away too.

Nearly every police officer in the space of a career will end up in hospital at least once. They may have made a mistake that led to it, but its patch up time and lesson learned, back into the game. knocked down for a bit HB, taken by surprise, its ok to feel the feelings you are now, your well on your way, I wish I had that strength when I started.

I used to have a social circle of shady friends, low life career criminals, if I was to have told them the story of how you present this guy and how he has behaved they would have been laughing their ass off at him - not you. Hes putting on a good front HB, but youve dismantled his ego, and the more you ignore the bait the more you hurt him. He wont show it - he wont go to therapy either. Hes trapped in his own torment where-as you are getting out of a rut. I see the comparison if you cant. Hedonism is a sticky plaster at the expense of "living the life".

Just a bully HB, but you turned out too strong for him to control. Good for you  

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« Reply #54 on: October 04, 2018, 06:28:48 PM »

Cromwell, I must have read this five times. Thank you so much for taking the time to offer this perspective. It’s often so much easier to see something when you are on the outside.  I don’t feel strong, I feel broken. I don’t feel confident, I feel like a joke.  But you writing that you have looked up to me made me feel so good, so thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

I’ve struggled to understand what in the 2.5 years was real. How I got into an abusive relationship.  What my future looks like.  It’s all so horribly depressing.  When I looked at my options I either could have killed myself or went the medication/support route. I went with option B. Although I spent a lot of time thinking through option A. While I was looking at my options he was on match.com.  Emailing me mean messages. Three months later, still doing the same thing.

I am doing better than three months ago, and you are right, I’m PISSED OFF. I think you are saying the anger is good. Better than the sadness. But putting faces to the “13 women I was with during our 2.5 years” has been excruciatingly painful and angering. I’m not sure how to get past this phase. I’m fearful I never will. Although, according to what you see I’m already winning the battle. I’m working on myself. He never will. He starts and quits therapy.

Forever Dad, he’s a HUGE loser. I read the article and it’s all him. Every part of it is him. I have such a hard time putting others down as I believe we are all equal... .but he’s a loser. You are SO right!
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #55 on: October 05, 2018, 02:19:05 AM »

Also, you're grieving a loss, a relationship loss, and there are stages of that grief.  Somewhere in the middle is Anger.  You can bounce around from one stage to another and back again, even skip but I believe the last one is Acceptance.  We even have an article and thread somewhere on the topic.  You can search it on the Internet too.

5 stages of Grieving a Loss:
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Grieving is not an event, it's a process.  Just like recovery from an illness, etc is not an event, it's a process.  Give it time but also do your part to help it along.

Hmm, looking at that list, do you see that your ex never gets to the last stage, Acceptance?  He bounces around the others but never gets his issues resolved.
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Long_term_dad

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« Reply #56 on: October 05, 2018, 11:51:30 AM »

This is negative engagement.  While he may truly be in distress emotionally, you can't help him.  Responding would just renew communication, encourage further contact.  It's a conundrum, there is no good answer.

I have a coffee mug with a Gary Larson comic on it, It has some red guy with a pitchfork , horns and a tail prodding a guy to open a door.  Each has a sign, one reads, "Damned if you do" and the other "Damned if you don't".  Sigh.  That's the extremes we face.  Don't let it get to you.

ForeverDad, this resonated with me. Yesterday I gathered my courage and drew a boundary and, with a polite and friendly email told my ex (the BP) that I needed to not have phone (voice) contact for a bit, that I was fine and would see her (pre-scheduled rendez-vous) tomorrow, and thank you in advance for respecting my boundary on this *even if you don't understand it*.  I expected blowback and shaming and fortunately the shaming didn't come, but there was blowback in the form of several text messages, several emails suggesting we talk but just not about "personal stuff" (ie business, and that won't work and there's nothing that can't be handled in email), and then in the wee hours this morning a quasi-shaming message at 5:30 with the beginnings of shaming "I told you in my email I was worried, I don't know where you are" (she knows where I am).  So, the part of what you wrote that resonated was "negative engagement".  She is desperately reaching out just to be in contact (6+ messages and 2 VMs in 18 hours is not disengaging) and this swell is, I guess, the blowback.  For me this pressure builds, and it's tough to withstand. I feel almost stalked.  I will reply in a bit and be positive and reaffirm the boundary but sheesh this is hard.  Can anyone relate?  Anyone have suggestions or advice?
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Harri
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« Reply #57 on: October 19, 2018, 01:47:28 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached it's post limit.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330102.msg13007892#msg13007892
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