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Author Topic: Any experience filing a harassment order or OFP  (Read 3263 times)
HopelessBroken
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« on: September 05, 2018, 03:33:39 PM »

Do any of you have experience with filing a harassment order or OFP against someone with BPD?

Due to the escalating behavior of my exBPD I am considering it, yet afraid that it might make things worse.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2018, 05:35:57 PM »

Questions:

Are you talking about  a Harassment Restraining Order? What does OFP stand for?

What is happening and how long?

Can you give us specifics?

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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2018, 09:22:13 PM »

Harassment restraining order (HRO) order for protection (OFP).

My ex has been calling/emailing since the final discard (two months ago).  I decided to stop engaging completely as every email exchage or phone call resulted in more blame and verbal abuse towards me. So I went NC 8/23. Since that time he seems to be losing it that I’m not responding. The most recent email last night was absolutely crazy.  Wondering if anyone has experience with filing a HRO or the threat of filing with a pwBPD. Do they respect them or escalate more?

I’m more afraid of escalating him as he is a police officer and obviously has a firearm.

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« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2018, 09:43:08 PM »

Hi HopelessBroken,

It sounds like your ex is having an "Extinction Burst" because you have set a boundary.

I often use the following simplified analogy regarding boundaries (I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through but simplify what you might be seeing with your ex)... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom  stills says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.  This doesn't mean the boundary won't be tested again during the next visit to the grocery store so consistency is important.

So basically, he's trying to boundary bust and is escalating the drama to get you to contact him.

More on Extinction Burst... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Are you feeling threatened by his behavior or are you feeling overwhelmed... .or maybe both   You know him best I'm just trying to gage what you are thinking in terms of threat level. 

It is scary that he is a policeman with a gun... .that is an added wrinkle for sure.

Panda39
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2018, 09:53:56 PM »

Can you confirm... .no children with him?  the divorce is final?  how long since final decree?  any remaining terms of the final decree not completed such as divesting shared or joint assets or debts?

You have an attorney, right?  Probably you would have to use an attorney to review and properly file for protection?  Does your lawyer think one last attempt to defuse this is possible?  I'm thinking a letter from your lawyer to his (overnight & certified) may get his lawyer to educate him to halt all contact henceforth.  I wonder if a copy of the letter sent to his HR or superiors may also get him to step back.  Or would that appear too much at this point?

Basically, the letter needs to state a few basics... .
  • The divorce was final on ___ date.
  • There is no further need or wish for any contact.
  • You want to Move On with your life just as you wish for him to Move On with his life.
  • You have already asked ex-spouse multiple times to stop attempting contact.
  • In the event if any issue or matter does arise then ALL further contact must be through your lawyer only, otherwise you will immediately seek remedy and protection from the court.
  • "Repeat and to emphasize, effective immediately, do not seek out, visit, follow, speak, call, email, text or harass my client in any way or legal remedy will be promptly taken."

Courts take very seriously a claim of "harassment", it is more that "this person is bugging me".  Remember, though, in all future contact with court, officials, etc that you need to state you're fearful of him or what he might potentially do.  Yes, it's a bit vague, that's okay, but the key point that that you are always consistent in that.  If you say sometimes you're fearful and sometimes not, then his lawyer could claim you're inconsistent and use that to try to get any pending restraining or protection order dismissed.

Disclaimer:  This is peer support.  I am not a lawyer and may not be fluent in court-speak.  Since he's an "officer of the court" and may have influential associates inclined to protect him as a default impulse, such a letter in no uncertain terms could be solid documentation that you initially tried to resolve it outside court but he ignored it.

What do you think?
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2018, 05:44:05 AM »

We were not married and we do not have any children together. So there are no attorneys involved. It would be me starting the legal process with the order.

I see what you are saying with the extinction burst. It’s escalated due to not getting attention. In the past this escalated behavior did get attention from me because it was so nuts. It’s both bothering me and getting a bit frightening to me.

I just don’t want to make the wrong move.  Every move I feel I’ve made with him has seemed to be wrong. (In his eyes that is... .). My mental health is suffering.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2018, 06:19:55 AM »

I just read the extinction burst info again.  It sounds as if I can ride through this storm, it will stop.
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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2018, 07:31:19 AM »

I was in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man I deeply love. I was married [to another man at the time] and knew him for years as a friend. He pursued me big time. I had just ended an affair with a coworker and started talking to him. He was immediately intriguing to me. Extremely emotional and intense and into me.

I was still married and not in the place to fully disclose every detail. Our relationship continued and I struggled with filing for divorce. Eight months in he freaked out on me and left me. We argued and at this point he accused me of still sleeping with my husband, the individual I had the pervious affair with, his best friend and three random men who were involved with friends whom I told him stories about that I thought were funny.

One year in started the pattern of intense lashing out when angry. He would be  lashing out about how much he hated me. Each time this happened it was out of the blue and the same info. Waste of time, whore, go to hell, suck at relationships and communicating, toxic, liar, I don’t want you, you aren’t good enough for me. When he would do this I would crawl into a hole. Not respond. Become sad and scared. Then apologize to him and tell him how much I loved him.

I pulled these lines from a prior post to help us look at this matter. So setting aside your feelings/fears for a 15 minutes (and 15 minutes only).

Yours is a story of multiple break ups where you withdraw and then, later, acquiesce and apologize. Your partner was very fearful insecure of infidelity. When he met you, you were married and had been in a previous affair... .

So if we try to get into his head. If he has BPD, he has a huge inherent (not related to you) fear of vulnerability (and abandonment). The fact that you were married and had a prior affair most likely scared him to death and it got worse the more intense and involved you two got (the more involved, the more to lose). When you two broke up (and you have multiple times), the pattern was for him to get emotional flooded, you withdraw, he continues, you apologize to him and tell him how much I loved him.

In short, and from his perspective (only), you are a wonderful but could destroy him, and if he lashed out, you hear him, reassure him, and try to make him feel safer. Your current situation looks like the prior situations and he is doing what worked for the two of. This is similar to the other times.

The problem is not your actions, it was about the situation, and his actions are based on what you to "normally" do.

Make sense?

So now, getting in your head. You are tired of the cycles. You are out from under your marriage and have a neew life before you. Your partner has introduced the idea of "eating his gun". His emotions are extreme/impulsive. That is scary.

So how do you deal with this?

1. DON'T START DATING SOMEONE ELSE RIGHT AWAY. This is good for you, in general, but more importantly, this could ignite the current situation. Don't threaten to date. Don't do anything that could be construed as seeing someone. Also, don't insult his manhood. Remember the Uber driver shooting last week. No retainer order will protect you. Give this this time to reach baseline and know that the prior recycles have created a situation that will take time to get baseline (speaking to exteinction bursts).

2. Do everything you can to lower the emotional temperature right now. Tell him you need space to think. Maybe tell him you want to be left alone for 10 weeks. Maybe tell him you need total space from men and want to spend time with your girlfriends right now. This buys space for extinction and it takes away the fear of another man without specifically saying it. I use the word maybe because these are examples of what you can do... .I don't know enough specifics to suggest actions.

3. If he violates this, wait 24 hours before responding (see how we are cooling this, but not agitating) and ask him to please respect your need to be alone. If he is mean or caustic, tell he you will only reply to polite notes (say this once), and say nothing else until you get politeness (cooling, not agitating).

4. If you are making progress with this - he is calming and backing off, good.  A few more reminders are OK as long as they are days apart. If he ignores your request, tell him very nicely that you don't want to get a RO, but you will if he doesn't respect your space.

5. Get the RO.

Overall, this is all aimed and undoing the prior learned behavior that extended pressure works.

Skip
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« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2018, 11:49:40 AM »

Wow - Skip has given you some seriously solid advice. 

I can't offer much more than, if this relationship is really over (is it?) then why continue to let him get to you in this way?  In this day and age, we can block phone numbers, set spam filters to filter out someone's email - short of him following you or turning up at your front door, a lot of the e-communication these days has mitigating factors.

If you have concluded that you are done with this relationship and desire no contact, my advice would be to implement some of those features so that you just don't get it anymore.  If you truly fear his actions or potential actions towards you, then I would work with what Skip's provided. Otherwise, even if you do love him but want NC, start blocking all of that stuff.

Best,
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« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2018, 08:37:15 PM »

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I am so truly thankful for this board.

You are very right. It’s been a cycle that’s been both hurtful and exhausting and I have done the same thing each time. This final discard was different than before. He was very clear he was done and there was no entertaining any apologies from me. I tried multiple times via phone. Each met with more abuse and more cheating/lying accusations (all false). Now the most recent email he sent stated due to my lack of responding to him he doesn’t feel bad about the 13 people he slept with during our 2.5 years, some people I personally know, and guilting me reguarding not visiting my deceased fathers grave site (an vulnerable thing I shared with him). The contact is getting more and more hurtful.

Are you thinking I should break my no contact to tell him I need space? I was thinking no contact was the only thing that was going to stop this? I also thought I had some kind of power by not responding?

Secondly, I’m not even thinking of dating anyone, nor could I due to the pain and emotional unhealthy spot I’m in. But I’m confused by this. He doesn’t want me and says no one else will want me... .but he would be upset if they did? I don’t get it. He moved on to someone else the week he left me. He doesn’t want me.

Lastly, with the contact. He’s been coming to my house randomly and leaving things. I never know when to expect him. Sometimes at night and sometimes during the day. He talks into my video doorbell things like “ I f*cking hate you with a passion.”  I’ve blocked him on my phone and his personal email. I can’t block his work email to my work email as we are on the same state system. I’ve gone to IT to request it.  I also was told by them that they can’t block a number calling into a government center, where I work. So I’m stuck with those two means of communication continuing to happen... .
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« Reply #10 on: September 06, 2018, 10:53:20 PM »

My ex too in our final days together disparaged me in every way she could dredge up... .I wear the pants here, everyone hates you, you are weak and impotent, you have cancer in your brain and in your {sex organ}, etc.  None of it was true of course, but she tried to hurt me as much as she could with whatever verbal barbs she knew.

Can you imagine for yourself an invisible shield or umbrella that all his verbal nastiness just bounces right off and back onto him?

Despite him making clear it is permanently over between you two, I wonder if, when he is ready such as when he decides he has punished you enough (or his current love interest has dumped him), he then expects you to come back on your knees begging to be accepted back?

Yes, much of what he does doesn't make "common sense".  He has mental health issues and his thinking is skewed.  So of course you can't make sense of it.  That is doesn't make normal sense is essentially one of the definitions of mental illness.  Obviously he's together enough to be employed, it's not like it is so bad he is drooling and needs to be committed.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, the closer it is the worse it is.

If you do have to get a restraining order, should a copy be delivered to his HR if he keeps calling from his workplace?
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« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2018, 06:54:02 AM »

I was thinking no contact was the only thing that was going to stop this? I also thought I had some kind of power by not responding?

Are you wanting "power" (escalation) or "safety"?  There are lots of ways to get more power/escalation.

Most domestic homicide, and domestic suicide occurs during or in the weeks right after a breakup.

De-escalate.


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« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2018, 07:18:08 AM »

You could not be more correct. I do not want to make this worse.

So is me responding in attempts to de-escalate the slot machine effect? Since I’ve been NC for about a month now.

Or is it reasonably safe to believe this last hurtful email is the end of it?
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« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2018, 07:44:38 AM »

What/when were the last 3 communications.

He sounds angry/resentful - what specifically is he resentful about?
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« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2018, 11:01:17 AM »

Hopeless,

First and foremost, I just want to make sure that you are safe.  Look - Skip surely is a pro at this type of thing.  I am mostly more concerned about your own safety, and your own mental health and well being so please take what I say here simply as my own "talking through" this contact situation.

To me, it sounds like you have some legitimate harassment issues going on.  I am not a lawyer or specialist in this sort of thing, but if he is coming to your home unsolicited and unwelcomed that's a grievance you can lodge with the authorities. If he is also sending you inappropriate emails on a work computer (if its a state government machine and he is an employee) then I am sure he is violating some term of a computer usage agreement he would have had to have signed, and the fact that you have already gone to IT to seek a filter of some type is evidence on your part to try and limit the harassment (if you use Outlook though you could create a rule that all of the emails you get from his address go to the trash).  AND if he is calling you at the office, that also is a grievable offense.  You could seriously use these things as harassment in a claim (in my opinion) if that is a spot that you ultimately get forced into.

If you do not choose to de-escalate, or his belligerent emails or calls continue, a thought/recommendation could be to approach your HR department to explain you are being harassed at work; they may be able to contact the department or agency that he works for and take appropriate action given he is using their official email network and phones.

In regards to the other comments he and you have made - Oh, HopelesslyBroken I am so sorry to hear this.  Look, there really is little understanding of why he would tell you that he doesn't want you, no one wants you, but don't you dare date anybody if you know what's good for you (my paraphrasing) - I mean, look at how I typed that out, its crazy, right?  As much as you may want to try and  rationalize it, or understand it - there is little to understand. These are his ways of lashing out to try and inflict pain, deflecting the pain that he himself is feeling (mostly pain he causes himself).  I do hope you don't feel like you still need to apologize, as you have done nothing wrong.  I know it is hard to see that from the spot that you are in, because I was there once myself.

Do look after yourself, and wishing you the very best,
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« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2018, 11:19:07 AM »

He’s been coming to my house randomly and leaving things. I never know when to expect him. Sometimes at night and sometimes during the day.

Is this new?
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« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2018, 01:01:28 PM »

Secondly, I’m not even thinking of dating anyone, nor could I due to the pain and emotional unhealthy spot I’m in. But I’m confused by this. He doesn’t want me and says no one else will want me... .but he would be upset if they did? I don’t get it. He moved on to someone else the week he left me. He doesn’t want me.

If he is engaging you emotionally, there is still connection here. People say all kinds of mean things they don't mean when they are upset. If he was done and over, he wouldn't be contacting you at all.

I was actually doing better for one week before seeing him Friday. No crying or thoughts of not being on this planet anymore for a week. Then I saw him with her and I’m right back where I started.

There is still a lot of emotion on your side, too. 

I am mostly more concerned about your own safety, and your own mental health and well being so please take what I say here simply as my own "talking through" this contact situation.

To me, it sounds like you have some legitimate harassment issues going on.

XSurvivorX, it's good to raise these issues.

From the little information we have, we know three things.

1. Her ex is a police officer and has suggested in the past that he would use his service weapon on himself as a response to relationship stress. There is no reported physical violence in the relationship.

2. This couple has a history of breaking up, extended periods of fighting, and then getting back together. In this recent breakup, they have been fighting/escalating for 10 weeks - something they have done before and reunited.

3. Two weeks ago, the OP ceased contact and blocked some access. The boyfriend is responding to this as a power / escalation.

What is the greatest risk? The possibility of domestic homicide. The harassment is a second level concern.

What is the most effective tool? This seems to be the question in this thread.

Technically, it is easy to get a temporary retraining order. If the temporary order is violated, the OP can call the police if her ex/bf violates the order. The police would respond the boyfriend could end up before a judge (police tend to be lenient with their own). The sentence could range from a warning to 93 days in jail, a fine of $500, the later only likely to happen after multiple violations or a serious incident.

Do any of you have experience with filing a harassment order or OFP against someone with BPD?

Due to the escalating behavior of my exBPD I am considering it, yet afraid that it might make things worse.

The OP knows that a retraining order is likely to inflame the matter more than it is now.

If you read the reaction to members here that have had RO's slapped on them, the RO are often seem as escalations (especially when there is no prior physical violence), and the reactions are strong.

One study noted a quadrupling (400% increase) of psychological abuse during the period of a temporary protection order.
Civil protection orders and risk of subsequent police-reported violence.
JAMA. 2002 Aug 7;288(5):589-94.
Holt VL1, Kernic MA, Lumley T, Wolf ME, Rivara FP.

In the same study they noted that permanent, but not temporary, protection orders are associated with a significant decrease in risk of police-reported violence against women by their male intimate partners.

The answer is not black and white.

HopelessBroken, I PMed the name, address, and phone or DV agencies near you to get additional opinions. It would be great to hear what you are advised.
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« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2018, 06:12:52 PM »

All of you are so wonderful. Thank you so much for all the time and effort you are putting into helping me.

Just to respond to a few things from above posts. We had a cycle of him freaking out and breaking up with me and me apologizing and getting more limitations put on me of what I would do better. The break up time was never longer than one week. This break up time is 8 weeks and I’ve been NC for four weeks.

The coming to the house randomly started the week of the breakup and continued for four weeks.

Things he’s angry about or resentful about. It’s more, what is he NOT resentful about. Some things include:
1. My divorce wasn’t fast enough
2. We were a secret during my divorce
3.  I’m not emotional enough and don’t communicate well enough
4. I didn’t have sex with him enough and was not affectionate enough
5. I wasted his time
6. I have lied to him about my pervious sexual history (not true)
7. I have had sex with numerous people during our relationship (not true)
8. I didn’t show enough excitement about moving in together
9. I never invited him to sleep over at my house
10. I’m too friendly and have too many friends
11. I’m too flirty with the opposite sex
12. I never made him a priority


I could keep going. Focus of fights would always turn into him accusing me of refusing to be honest about my past sexual history and who I’ve been sleeping with during our relationship. He wouldn’t accept the truth of no one.

I did not get any calls or emails yesterday or today. I’m hoping this is a good sign. As of today I’m holding off on the restraining order as to not make him more angry.

And yes, you are so correct. I love this man who turned on me out of the blue and who has shown to be unstable, abusive, lying and cheating. It’s been heartbreaking and scary all at the same time.
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« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2018, 07:17:06 AM »

HopelessBroken

You work in law enforcement yourself - I picked up so much in the tone of your posts of confidence at how you were dealing with this - but there was also a part of complacency or flippantness to it.

were all different; id be terrified in contrast, I admire your strong mind and resilence in what youve outlined the guy you were with and his history. my ex caused me a lot of trouble, but the imagery I got to my mind of what sort of guy you were with, it reminded of the film "unlawful entry".

My only advice is what I did in my situation, right after going NC i shelved a lot of the emotion and took practical steps as best I could.

remember that the emotional side can be dealt with once youve got yourself in a safe place otherwise. Its also not the time to put unneccesary fears in, i had to go through a lot of stuff that made me stressed, creepy and bizarre stuff plus the stalking. In the end, she faded away without much drama.

im hoping this just fizzles out for you too but there is a lot that can be done to make that happen smoother.
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« Reply #19 on: September 08, 2018, 10:07:29 AM »

Cromwell, it’s interesting you mention that my messages appear confident. I was before this relationship began. I am now completely broken down. When people reference being a shell of a human being, that’s how I feel. His behavior evokes fear in me, and I deal with scary people each day.

Skip, something I forgot to reply to was his most recent three emails:

1. “WOW.” This came in the middle of the night after he paraded his new girlfriend in front of me and I walked away several times.

2. “F U.”  This came early the next morning.

3.  An article from experts saying how it’s good to show emotions in a romantic relationships.

4. A long message stating due to me not showing emotion or responding to me it validates his decision to “dump my a*s.” In addition it also doesn’t make him feel bad for having sex with “13 others when during our 2.5 years, some you know some you know of and some you don’t.” He then indicated he will be continuing to visit my deceased fathers grave as I don’t have the strength or emotions to do it and at least he will make sure he’s not alone. (Not visiting my fathers grave for years was something I opened up to him about. He died of cancer when I was a child and I’ve been working on feelings about that in therapy). Then he said “ may god forgive you for what you have done.”

It’s been three days and I haven’t gotten anything else. Maybe I’m over reacting?
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« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2018, 12:30:46 PM »

Thats really nasty of him Hopeless, I confided to my ex my weakpoints, and when it came to use them she went right for them, its like she was an expert at knowing what behaviour would hurt the most and when in that frame of mind, she just went for it.
 
If you look at the tone in his messages, they are progressively more provocative. There does seem to be some manipulation here, it gets progressively more hurtful in intent the more he realises you dont respond. The first one, just cryptic, the second just a FU which im sure you just equate as childish and 'noise', then with no response to either it ramps up.

When I was in your situation I cut off all sources of contact completely, she couldnt facebook, phone, text nothing. I even moved house not long after. So I have no idea how she would have behaved, but she did come to my new house twice, once on her birthday and funnily enough used the same phraseology as your now ex - "FO". I found it a bit strange to be told that when I was the one who had discarded her and had cut off all contact, but there you go. (the official narrative in her mind is not the same - for instance, my not wanting to communicate would be seen by others for what it is, in hers it cant be handled so it gets changed into "hes just in a mood and wants to play hard to get, I just have to try harder"). Probably not a good thing that I Went back so many times in the past after splitting with her, it encourages that sort of mindset.

Even a restraining order is making a relationship and connection of sorts, they cant handle you completely vanishing out of their domain, its the worst thing. I guess for something like him who is well versed in the law, he would see it as also a sign that you are scared and he knows enough tricks and loopholes to still be an ar"sehole towards you.

Not over-reacting, its just in some cases and this is one of them, cant always do the run of the mill proper thing you would that would work on a sound minded person.
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« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2018, 12:52:49 PM »

The feedback I received about a TRO was the same as what Gavin de Becker describes in a chapter on restraining orders in his book Gift of Fear, which is (paraphrasing) to only do it if you believe the person will honor it and leave you alone.

Do you believe your ex will honor the TRO.

And do you believe you will honor it by reporting it when he violates it.

Those two questions have to be asked and answered for a TRO.
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« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2018, 01:04:57 PM »

This is to address the long term boundaries you set, once the current conflict is resolved.  With a normal ended relationship it can be possible to have limited contact without triggering disaster.  Not that we seek it out, often one or both are in new relationships, the concept is that both have Moved On in their lives.

But when BPD or other acting-out behaviors are an issue, continued contact such as "we can be friends" is virtually impossible.  Best to for it to End and don't look back.

Yes, you love him, that's your heart.  But your head says, No way!  Right now your head is processing well ahead of your heart.  So... .listen to your head, your heart will catch up in time.

Recovery is a process, not an event.  Give yourself time to recover from this experience.  Likely your work provides access to counseling, take advantage of that resource.

We typically want Closure from the other.  Well, you clearly won't get it from the exBF, so the better solution is to Gift Yourself the needed Closure.
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« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2018, 02:04:49 PM »

Skip, something I forgot to reply to was his most recent three emails

It sounds like there is a lot if unfinished business here. He wants you to respond to him and is pushing buttons.
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« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2018, 09:32:59 AM »

Yup - like Skip & Cromwell hint towards, it sounds like he is still cycling through the series of things to address to attempt to illicit a response.  It's similar sounding to some of the kinds of things my ex said in her emails when we first separated. 

It seems like you are doing all the right things, Hopeless.  I too felt like a shell of a human being, but if we want to use that analogy it was the pwBPC who repeatedly shelled me (often times, as others have said, with those innermost deepest things we share with them).  When she was gone and both time and space had increased, I found that I was able to begin healing and "regrow" that shell so I could be a complete nut again 

Sending you my best wishings,
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« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2018, 10:33:03 PM »

So tonight I received an email titled “hey!”

I opened it up and it was a naked picture of him, and it stated “miss me?”

I cannot understand this behavior AT ALL.
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« Reply #26 on: September 13, 2018, 06:40:52 AM »

Wow, really appropriate stuff, especially from some one in law enforcement. 

It's just attention seeking behavior ignore it.

Panda39
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« Reply #27 on: September 13, 2018, 07:13:20 AM »

Yowza - I gotta give the guy credit - he is REALLY pulling out all the stops isn't he? 

He's getting really desperate and cycling through all the possible ways to get your attention.

Like Cromwell said, first he was cryptic, then rude, then petulant, then outright abusive, now... .dick pics. Jesus. It's actually a bit lacking in sophistication, isn't it? Like the others have said, I think you should ABSOLUTELY continue to ignore it. Zero response. I think like Cromwell's ex, he will fizzle out without incident if you just do absolutely nothing.

I understand loving someone who is disordered, and having it be painful to have to cut them off. But right now, in the state he's in, communicating with him won't help you OR him. I'm in that dilemma with my ex too. He is still very dysregulated, and I know there is little I can do that would help at all - at least not right now.

Your ex is in quite an agitated state, and therefore there will be no possibility of a reasonable or helpful discussion taking place. Based on my own experiences with my ex, any attempts to converse when one person is highly dysregulated and one is sound just make matters worse. It's a simple as this: we nons are interested in solving negative problems, conflict resolution, and peaceful interactions. People with PD's often want to stir the pot, provoke drama, and create problems, not fix them. My ex was, and is, notorious for this. When he is in that mode, there is no reaching him.

At least while your ex is behaving "off the rails" like this, it is best to ignore him. Any contact will just provoke more drama and more openings for him to up his game.

 
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« Reply #28 on: September 13, 2018, 11:16:52 AM »

Just in case this ramps worse, save any texts or emails just in case you need the documentation later.  For many the first impulse would be to delete such things.  All I'm saying is that you may need to reference as much documentation as possible later to support your story, if it comes to that.
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« Reply #29 on: September 13, 2018, 06:34:35 PM »

Unfortunately I deleted all our texts when I deleted and blocked him on my phone. I’ve saved all the emails and the video clips on my Ring doorbell.

I’m really not doing well after getting that picture last night.
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