She made contact, but not to me, my daughter

[Coastered]

From the original thread- Just do not know what to do: she broke up, I'm living off of Red Bulls - The drama continues (this could be a film)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328314.0


My daughter just got a text from my exBPD partner.  It is not her Daughter just to clear that up.

Hi Coastered Daughter,


You have probably realised that things have come to an end between your dad and I and not in the way that I would have liked. You will probably hear some nasty things about me in time to come and that is fine... .I own it. Please just remember that I think you’re an amazing young lady with a fantastic artistic talent and a brilliant imagination and you will achieve so much in your life, of that I am sure. That’s why I bought you the art desk, to encourage you to be creative and achieve your potential.
I am sorry that i have not had the chance to say goodbye to you in person but i want you to please please remember that you can always ring me up or txt me and I will be there for you.

Please remember to take your vitamins, try new foods (even if you don’t like them at first, give them time!) and please look after your dad and the dog too.

Again I am sorry that I could not be the person that you and your dad were seeking but I hope you will both find happiness in the future xxx
(Oh and I will be thinking of you in the play ... .please let me know how things go!)




Wow, just wow.

I am not sure what to make of that.  She claims she couldn't be the person I wanted yet on Facebook I am a cheating scumbag that had it coming.  She has said in the past that I was looking to be a family and she couldn't handle that so at least she has shifted the blame to herself.

What the hell does this mean?  I would be prepared to carry on with the borderline rollercoaster if she got help but I am at a loss as to what to do next.

She didn't want it to end like this but she discarded me because I failed my test, posted a fabrication on Facebook for the world to see and blocked me everywhere!  Blimey, that's probably why it ended as it did!

I know it's hard but what should my next move be?  Does anyone know what this message meant?  I would not contact her children as I believe it's not appropriate given their age and if I had I would expect a sh*t storm.

Advice please, I need it more than ever.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Coastered]

P.S I had not said anything to my daughter as it would not be appropriate to involve children in an Adult mess neither have I contacted hers.  Yes, I love her and always will.

[Radcliff]

How old is your daughter?  I wouldn't try to read anything into her note to your daughter with respect to making it match up with the adult world.  Kids don't need or want to know about the adult mess, and it sounds like she was making an effort to say goodbye to your daughter in a healthy way.  It totally makes sense that differences between what she represents in her note to your daughter and what your experience was would be jarring to you.  I'd chalk it up as the kind of history cleanup one does for a child's benefit, and not worry about it, nor try to give it meaning in the adult world.

It sounds like there was quite a bit of conflict with her, and she said some awful things.  There's not a lot we can do about some of the awful things they say (other than to have a boundary and remove ourselves temporarily from earshot), but we can often work to avoid making the conflict worse.  I didn't see mention of the JADE tool in your previous thread.  Is that one you're familiar with?

RC

[Coastered]

My daughter is 14.

I'm not entirely sure I am happy with her contacting her and selfish as it may seem I am (is jealous the word?) I am disappointed that she couldn't afford me the same closure.

Guess I wanted to see if there was anyway I could fix this and to see if it was vicarious contact.  I guess not.

[once removed]

hi Coastered,

i have a few questions that would help me better understand your circumstances:

1. who broke up with whom?

She didn't want it to end like this but she discarded me because I failed my test

2. what happened here? what test are you referring to?

3. did you cheat on her, and she posted about it on facebook? do i have that right?

[Coastered]

She broke up with me.  I count this as the tenth time.  One reason was that she could not handle me having a daughter with autism and she frustrated her.  One was that she never wanted to get engaged but did it to shut me up.  Another time was that she couldn't handle me having children.  The penultimate time I didnt go round her house one Sunday.  I don't appreciate her enough was another.  You get the drift.

The latest reason she gave, the tenth time she left, was that I failed my driving test that morning.

After she dumped me because I failed my driving test I went on a dating app because I felt low, I imagine someone informed her of this that did not know.  I did not cheat on her and she had already ended the relationship and picked up her stuff during the week.  I do feel bad about it but I was like I say low and couldn't take being dumped again at that point.

She then went onto Facebook to call me a cheat and that she has now ended it with me.  Omitting the fact she had already dumped me for failing the driving test.  (Discarded twice in a week without a making up imbetween is a new record)

I had not met anyone or had any sexual contact with anyone.  I was after a little attention and female conversation and validation at a very bad time.

[Radcliff]

OK, so after she dumped you, you went on a dating site, and then she accused you of cheating?  I'm willing to bet a large amount of money that this is not the first time she has distorted reality in your relationship.  It can be very disorienting, and can cause us to question our positions.  I think some part of you knows she was unreasonable, but you sound a little defensive about it.  It's hard to break these patterns.  Can you see the unreasonableness of her claim, and be confident in it?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Coastered-

I am very sorry for the pain that you’re experiencing with this latest break-up, and for the confusion this relationship has caused you.  I went back and read through the thread that you referred to at the beginning of this post, so I have a bit of understanding of this situation and the relationship’s ending.

I am short on time right now, so will get back with you on other matters, but feel moved to respond about the contact with your young daughter (D14).  Is this your child with Autism, the child who BPDgf has expressed limited patience for to you?  I’m kind of angry... .I’m having an emotional reaction (sorry).  Will attempt to employ logic.

I believe, and feel, it is highly inappropriate for exBPDgf to make direct contact with D14.  This is a young girl.  Especially with BPDgf making note that “nasty things” may be said/heard.  Disordered people have no boundaries.  In my mind that’s no excuse when it comes to children.  So it’s up to the responsible adults to protect the children.

My opinion, FWIW, is to take hold of the phone, delete and block  BPDgf’s contact information (not just block it) and give the phone back to D14.  If your daughter can understand, you can explain that the text was fine; but for the time being, further contact must go through Dad.  If your D14 was in ongoing conversation or text contact you may see things differently, but that doesn’t sound to be the case.

I don’t believe a young girl should be placed in the midst of any of this.

Your thoughts?  Others’ thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Coastered]

I'm willing to bet a large amount of money that this is not the first time she has distorted reality in your relationship.  It can be very disorienting, and can cause us to question our positions.

Sadly yes.  I would often feel setup to fail.  For example I would tell her to leave my daughter to me because she said she found her frustrating and irritating to deal with and to try and save the relationship we thought it would be best that way.  She would then go and buy items of school uniform for her or gifts against my wishes.  During the next storm she would then call me ungreatful because she brought said items for my daughter.

There were many What the heck moments.

Is this your child with Autism, the child who BPDgf has expressed limited patience for to you?  I’m kind of angry... .I’m having an emotional reaction (sorry).  Will attempt to employ logic.

Yes.   She lives with me


I just have no idea why she contacted my daughter?  Was this a strange charm attempt vicariously through my daughter?  Was she just trying to protect her own ego?

[Enabler]

Hey Coastered... .I'll just copy in here what I was going to respond with yesterday when the thread reached it's limit.

Enabler - what do you think you'd be able to say which would convince her that you aren't a cheating scumbag?

Coastered - Nothing, you are right.

Enabler - She may or may not change her view of you, but this is likely to happen independently of what you do. If this doesn't work itself out, what lessons have you learnt?

Coastered - Boundaries, and early on!  And to learn how to communicate with her better.  I was thinking logic, she was not capable.

Enabler - what would I advise a friend to do if they described the relationship to me

Coastered - Leave.  I just wish it was that easy in reality.  I have deep feelings for her... .(sigh)


I'll let you ponder those answers for a while such that you can determine your own path and make good choices.

My suggestion is that you learn as much as possible here. There are valuable life skills to be learnt. Maybe these skills wont be used in another intimate relationship, maybe these skills will be used when trying to understand a friend or family member, maybe a work colleague. You will stumble upon people... .your eyes are open now.

Regarding the text to your daughter, my take is that it may well be a moment of honesty on her part. Maybe she isn't triggered by children in the way she is with adults. They don't judge her / she doesn't feel judged in the same way. The FB posts are to protect herself from being judged by other adults, other adults that might expose her, shame her, make her feel guilty. Maybe she doesn't see that potential in your daughter.


Enabler

[Coastered]

Thanks Enabler,

I guess the advice I need is what do I do now?  I do want to make it work, I do want to use the tactics here to make things work.  I would never give up on her as I love her.  Not happy about her contacting my daughter behind my back to be honest and saying things like "You'll hear things about me" is a pure manipulation.  I would not anyway, not my style, certainly with a child!  And it looks like she now wants a relationship with my child, the very child that angered her and frustrated her and a reason she could not be with me once.  Wanting my daughter to phone her, and she'll always be there for her, is not what my partner told me.

So do I keep up my no contact?  Would you wait it out?  What would your move be?

I am not sure if the contact to my daughter is a way in?  Potentially calmed down and wants a route though me.

Or maybe I am thinking too much... .or desperate?

Contact with my Daughter, which she never wanted during out time together would just prolong my recovery.  My heart tells me my daughter is just being used as a tool for her own guilt.  I just do not understand things/her just at a time when I started to begin to understand how she operates.

Either end things or work things out with a better understanding, just not these games... .  I hate games... .

[Enabler]

I would get centred, don't try too hard to establish her motivations, and watch this space. To say that she did something once as a bit of a 'sign off' doesn't mean she is going to be in regular contact with your D. Let it ride, don't 'react' but just be aware of it. Reacting negatively and ploughing into your ex for her contact could just serve to feed the beast. Rise above.

If it persists, consider what action you might take if NC is what you would prefer with your D. The 'damage' has been done now so don't make it worse... .for now. Things are still very hot.

[Radcliff]

While you are waiting for things to cool a bit is a good time to work on the tools and think about how you might play things differently if you were with her again.  Are there any things you can think of now that you would want to do differently in order to make things work better for you, if you were together with her again?

RC

[Coastered]

She is now texting my friends about how she is the innocent party in all this.  And how horrible I am.

Is this normal for BPD?

I am close to breaking down.

[Radcliff]

She is now texting my friends about how she is the innocent party in all this.  And how horrible I am.

Is this normal for BPD?

I am close to breaking down.

I am sorry to hear that.  The book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, has an entire chapter on these distortion campaigns.  It's worth reading, and is available in e-reader form if you want to read it quickly.

It's natural for us to feel fear when our pwBPD distorts reality to smear us to others whose respect is important to us.  How long have these friends known you?  How long have they known her?

RC

[Coastered]

Around 20 years longest for me but it varies.  Around a year to 14 months for her.  They don't buy it but it's disconcerting especially when she told me that I would be the one to do this.  I haven't contacted any of her friends or family or posted anything on social media.

I am blocked everywhere whilst this one person media circus is ploughing into town.  If she dumped me then yes it hurts, I loved her but why use all this energy?

I shall read the book, I brought it before this blew up sadly.

Will this end?  This is blowing up more than any relationship I've encountered.  I'm not sure now what she is capable of anymore.  I'm starting to wonder who my friends are as some say theyve not been contacted and everything is becoming distorted for me!  

What can I do to make this stop?  It could be so easy to end this amicably.   There is no need for any of this.

To say I'm reaching crisis point is an understatement.

[Radcliff]

You can't stop her.  You can't control her.  I know it sounds impossible, but if you can reach a place of acceptance about that it will help.  Think about weathering a large storm.  You can get to a safe place, take steps to reduce damage, and try to be comfortable while you wait it out.  You can't stop the wind and noise.

Try to think about short term vs. long term.  You've got friends who've known you for 10-20 years, and will probably know you for another 10-20.  This too shall pass.  You can make this worse by overreacting or getting defensive.  Things will work out in the long run.  If you want to take more active measures that are healthy, kick up your normal interactions with your friends a notch.  Don't go over the top, just a little extra effort at keeping in touch, or going out to do something.  Spread it around, don't lean on one or two too much.  But it's natural to reconnect with friends after a breakup, and healthy.  If they see you doing this, being friendly, admitting that it's tough but NOT going on and on about the relationship, and being gracious about her, you'll be all good.

Do you have any opportunities on the horizon to socialize with friends?  Can you create some?

RC

[Coastered]

I have decided to rise above it, do nothing.

Actions speak louder than words.   I will not engage.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Coastered-

I believe as regards to her directly, you are right to do nothing at this time.  There is likely nothing you CAN do that wouldn’t trigger her - and this would bring more painful and needless abuse onto you.  Per your prior posts, using past communication methods you two were unable to have meaningful conversations about your relationship.  Sadly, this is pretty standard fare in these difficult relationships.

However... .just because you are not engaging with BPDgf doesn’t mean you disengage from yourself and other friends (suggested in prior posts). 

Please correct me if I’ve gotten the timing wrong.  August 2018 marked about 12 months that you were together and you became engaged in 12/2017.  She has broken up with you approximately 10 times between August 2017 with The last breakup in September 2018.  Did you ever actually set a wedding date?

She has delivered painful verbal insults during a large portion of the relationship, has spit on you, cursed you, etc.  But you’ve not stood up to her because she has explained that her previous relationships were “abusive”.  (This is sort of what you stated in another post).  So do you think in her mind it was acceptable to behave in this manner toward you because you never said it wasn’t ok?

Please understand, Coastered... .I am not trying to hurt you.  This is very painful stuff.  Many of us here have been through the wringer -  Both in these relationships and before them.  For me, when I finally took the focus OFF BPDbf, and started REALLY looking at myself, the journey began.  And the people here, probably without meaning to, seemed to be able to push me in the positive direction that NO ONE who personally knew me could push me, or elevate me.  The support here was that strong, loving and solid.  From strangers.  And I was on the edge.

So here’s what I’d say to you, with a loving heart.  Please don’t let a day go by where you do “NOTHING”.  If you believe you have codependent traits and those translate into unhealthy behaviors within a relationship, then perhaps try a CODA meeting by phone or some CODA readings.  When we truly begin to understand ourselves, and I get it, it IS a process, we realize what we have to offer.  And what we deserve - RESPECT is one of those things.

I can guarantee that as you move through and absorb some readings, and there are excellent readings on this board, lightbulbs will flash for you.  You WILL come to know that You should NOT be expected to stand in place as another person screams demeaning insults at you.  Adult love is simply not that unconditional.  You don’t have to say you “love her and always will”.  Could be that once you begin to place more value on yourself, you may not love her and her disordered and cruel behaviors quite so much.  There is certainly no shame in placing value on yourself.  That’s what I’m trying to say.

So yes,  please do something each day.  For yourself.  For your D14 and you, together.  With your friends.  Talk about BPDgf HERE, and talk to your friends about other topics if you feel their interests or understanding lies elsewhere.

I promise you, Coastered... .I was in the depths.  Not that I don’t still go there on occasion.  But thoughts of him are not what take me there.  You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for - we all are.  And we’re right here with you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Coastered]

You have pretty much got most of it all spot on.  Together roughly 14 months and got engaged and no date ever got planned.  Yes I must have counted around 10 times she had left me, I never left her.  Blimey, when you actually think about it, it sounds absurd but most of the breakups only lasted a day or two.  I mention “breakup” because that’s how she would paint it.  Just so you can get an understanding for example, I would do something wrong on a Sunday, get screamed at, calling me every name under the sun, told me she did not love me and it was over and then by around Tuesday she would act like nothing had happened at all.  Can you call that a break up?

I have posted quite a lot about my experiences here so I am not entirely sure if I got out everything as I intended.  I did not accept her behaviour towards me because she had been abused as much as I thought I understood it.  She had told me that one ex had held a gun to her head and after pinning her down.  How one cheated on her, how one took £4,000 from her and how she was ‘almost’ raped by another.  When she was spitting on me, screaming at my face and calling me the worse things imaginable I thought it might be a release for her after all these things have got to affect you right?

I do love her and I probably always will, let’s say that much.  When she is regulated she is the funniest, loveable and most generous person you could ever meet.  It brings a tear to my eye now thinking of some of the truly wonderful things she did at the beginning.  But wow there was some red flags as well – the love bombing.  Week one she brought me a new BBQ worth around £250 and after two months she brought me a second hand car because I could not drive.  She pushed me to get my provisional licence and encouraged me to take lessons, something which nobody else has ever managed.  I would get weekly gifts sent to my work, love notes daily and just unprecedented attention.  I had felt nothing like this before, I was and felt like a king and I thought I was with a queen.  The sex was like nothing I had experienced in my life and thought (sorry to be curt) that I was with a porn star in bed, she would do anything and was brilliant at it.  She even would have multiple personalities which I thought was a bit kinky.  She would wear wigs and pretend to be different women with different personalities.  It was like, at times, I was dating different women.  Now I know it was to cover her hair pulling and her unstable self image.

But there was this other side that came out around five months into the relationship, the vindictive beast that could not accept any responsibility for anything.  Everything and everything was my fault and I just did not appreciate her.  I made her suicidal according to her, she pulled out her hair because I was such a terrible person that did not appreciate her.  The only way I could appease her would be to apologise no matter what she did.  She constantly said “I did not love her” I did, she said I was not happy “I actually was”.  She had a habit of telling ME how I felt.

I would lie on my bed after the numerous times she left and just lay there and think how this happened?  None of the massive arguments were about anything in particular!  Or at least they did not seem so to me, I now understand that they feel things totally different to us and much more intensive.

Would I have her back tomorrow, I don’t know, probably.  I guess I see myself as a saver, the one that could finally do something to help her.  Sadly I think that is a pipe dream as she’ll never accept any responsibility or even think she has a personality disorder.

Wow.  I could go on, let’s just say she ticks around six, perhaps all seven boxes of BPD and she really does need help.  At the moment though the only people she is talking to is our friends and families about what a terrible person I am.  It hurts but there is nothing I can do about it.

That is my story, my recovery is just beginning.

Gemforeyes thank you so much for posting such a lengthy response.  I will continue to journal my path here as I have no idea what her next move is.

There are still a few financial loose ends to tie up and I sent her one email to try and close these issues.  I offered her compassion in the email I sent and told her I would always be there for her and we should cherish the times we spent.  I need these financial loose ends to be tied as I feel guilty about the gifts she brought my daughter and myself.  I am however blocked everywhere and certainly would never dream of just showing up anywhere.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Coastered-
I get it, I really do.  My BPDbf is/was the most fun, sexy, loving and hateful man I’ve ever known.  I came to understand that the nice things he did FOR me were nothing compared with the horrible things he did TO me over the five years I’ve known him.  It’s very confusing, very disconcerting.  The kindness came with heavy strings attached.  A steep price to pay.  And hard to completely release, because on an emotional level I actually trust him.  And he trusts me more than anyone else.

And yes my friend, stories of their past abusive relationships abound.  Verifiable?  I don’t know... .Did she call the police after being pinned down and held at gunpoint?

I found this forum 3.5 years into our relationship when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”.  I learned the communication tools, worked at establishing boundaries (somewhat), etc.

I haven’t seen his face since 2/15/2018; but we text now and talk on the phone.   The pattern before 2/2018 had been that he would dysregulate, I’d allow it and if he got too out of control, he’d end things, give me space (a week maybe), he’d apologize, and I’d forgive him.  He knows how to say “I apologize”; but he is not actually accountable for anything he does.   In February, he acted out so horribly and inappropriately  I MADE him leave.  He made contact several times and I didn’t respond.  I was that hurt and angry (rightfully so).  And I finally... .finally saw that I needed to change myself, REALLY address my pain and my past.

When we text and talk, we do NOT talk about our relationship.  I’m not there yet.  We may never get there.  And he is afraid that I will “point fingers” at him.  This means asking him to accept responsibility, which he likely cannot do.

We are “old”.  Tomorrow is my birthday... .I’ll be 61.  He has broken parts of my heart so many times with his words and actions.  And I’m piecing it back together without his help.  But I had sadness before I met him.

She has broken parts of your heart.  And now, you have to and CAN find the way for her to no longer do that.  That is YOUR possibility.  How I see things is this... .we cannot look to our BPD partners to help heal ANYTHING that is hurt in us.  Their “gift” is forcing us to be still for a moment.  To face ourselves, to get to know and understand ourselves.

You say your uBPDgf is running around telling your friends, family and social media the “horrible” things you’ve done.  No need to fret over this childish acting out.  She’s looking for validation in any way possible.  She’s not “over” the relationship or you.  I’m hoping you can take a pause and NOT accept her back into your world (if she asks) until you’ve recovered some and taken some steps to heal yourself.  Have you considered therapy?

I cannot “fix” my ex-lover.  I tried for years to BE what he needed and I failed.  He only heard the noise in his head.  So now, I’m finally working on the volume of the noise in my own head.  No more guessing about him... .

Maybe you can try this?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

I have decided to rise above it, do nothing.

Actions speak louder than words.   I will not engage.

Great plan.  Keep up the good work on this 

I guess I see myself as a saver, the one that could finally do something to help her.  Sadly I think that is a pipe dream as she’ll never accept any responsibility or even think she has a personality disorder.

I can relate.  You seem to know that this is unrealistic, yet the tug of wanting to try is so, so strong.  The only way the relationship could work is if you can stop trying to change her, accept who she is and have strong enough boundaries and other tool use to be with her in a way that works for you.  I'm not in a place to say whether that is possible or the right thing for you -- that's for you to decide.  But the idea of saving her absolutely has to go.

Gemsforeyes is giving you some great advice about looking at yourself.  Our pwBPD's behavior can be so dramatic and outrageous, it can take a whole lot of concentration and effort to manage to effectively look at ourselves, but it's the only healthy path forward.

RC

[once removed]

certainly, her reaching out to all of your loved ones is pretty inappropriate. it does sound like she has a blurred sense of appropriate boundaries in your relationship if not in general.

and i get that its really hard to stand back and let play out. i cant really think of any reaction on your end that wouldnt escalate this, and i tend to think it will blow over. its drama, and some people cling to it, until it gets old and has been milked. its spurned lover stuff.

Can you call that a break up?

probably hundreds of times, my ex or i said "its over", and it lasted hours tops. i dont know what one calls it, but its destructive to relationships. the more it occurs, the more long term damage is done. at the end of the day, its about failure to resolve conflict. some couples fight a lot, but reach resolution without breakdown. there is significant, unresolved, hard conflict in your relationship, a lot of it familial.

if you got back together tomorrow, that conflict would still be there. so i think its less about the short term, whether she unblocks you, whether you get back together. if you were to get back together, the challenge would be resolving the long term conflict, if possible.

[Coastered]

Thanks to everyone who has posted about this, it has been a long and painful journey which I have to accept and start working on myself.

As I mentioned though there are loose ends that need to be tied up but I am unable to contact her as I am blocked everywhere, phone, texts, emails, whatsapp, Facebook – you name it shes probably blocked me from it.  I know why, that’s not my concern, however I do need to sort out certain issues and I am not sure how to go about it, or indeed if I should just wait for a predetermined amount of time so she can calm down.  I have sent her a solitary email on the 3rd of October which I include here.  I had no response.

Obviously during these times I am sure you can appreciate there will be a few loose ends that need to be rectified.
 As I have always maintained I will pay you for any road tax for the car you very kindly brought me and the stuff you brought my daughter.  As I am passing my test soon however I need to make sure you are remunerated for the cost of the insurance and tax also.  That is, of course, not a responsibility I would ever expect you to take on board or shoulder.  If you can think of anything I have omitted I would also pay you back.
 
Can you let me know how much I need to pay you each month so you are not out of pocket?
 
Thank you for the (special) times we spent together, I will cherish them forever.  I know that we both did everything possible to maintain this relationship and the blame does not fall anywhere.  We are better than that!
 
I want no hostilities; it would tarnish the wonderful times we shared together.  (And there was some very, very wonderful times).


It has been nearly a week of silence which is a shame as I have always been the type of person who could put issues like this aside and walk away with issues solved but sadly this is not the case here.

As I mentioned earlier she brought me a second hand car for my Birthday but the details are still in her name.  I am unable to insure the car without these documents.  She also still has certain valuable and sentimental items within my house that she owns, fair and square and I would like her to have them back.  She does have some items of mine but they are easily replaceable (membership cards for example).

How does one go about resolving these final issues when someone has gone no contact?  I will not be showing up at her work or home as that is not acceptable and could lead to potential ‘stalking claims’ which I am not stupid enough to even entertain.

Some advice here is certainly appreciated.  It is my birthday in a few days so there is a potential for her to contact me but even then I think the chance is almost zero as I have been totally painted black.

As soon as these final issues are resolved I can move forward and begin to rebuild my life.

Thanks again to everyone for the support they have shown me.

[once removed]

How does one go about resolving these final issues when someone has gone no contact? 

it was a cordial, unloaded letter. though a direct response would be nice, i would tend to take no reply as "no repayment necessary".

what do you think?

[Radcliff]

In these situations, I've had the most success letting go of any expectations about the pwBPD's behavior, and making a plan that doesn't rely on her to do anything.  The car paperwork sounds like a potential issue.  How does that work?  Where you live is there a "title," a document that declares ownership of the car?  Is the title in your name or hers?

RC

[Coastered]

It's in her name so I can't insure it.  Was the only way to do it when she brought it as I was learning.  In the UK they have to sign over the log book to me.

Last night she texted my daughter just saying I can keep the car then blocked her!  So much for her saying she'll still be there for my daughter.

I just have to wait it out and see if she ties up the loose ends.  I reached out to her to be amicable and she remains giving me the silent treatment.

It's a waiting game now but I'll not pressure her, she's likely to blow.

Thanks to everyone who is helping me through this journey.  I never wanted the story to end like this but I can't love for the both of us.  It's such a crying shame but it's something I've accepted.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear of the complications.  How is your daughter doing with all of this?

[Coastered]

I'm sorry to hear of the complications.  How is your daughter doing with all of this?

She was sad, she liked her.  She's still not contacted any of us.   My gut says she's seeing someone else.

[Enabler]

I started writing a post on this over the weekend and deleted thinking it was a little too "You should", however, after a bit of mulling I'm seeing little alternative to avoiding 'game playing' and 'drama'.

As a learner you are allowed to own a car in the UK, I don't believe you even need a driving license to own one... .ownership and ability to drive the car are 2 totally different things. So, unless there was any other reason I have missed there was no reason why the gift couldn't have been put straight in your name on the log book from the off.

This feels like a bit of a thread that still acts to leave you hanging in limbo-land. As much as I don't think you should cut your nose off to spite your face, the vehicle needs to be in your name if it's your responsibility or on her driveway if it's in her name. I would consider arranging to return the car to her, and if that means parking it in her drive and posting the keys through the letterbox because she fails to communicate with you, then so be it. Driving a car that legally belongs to someone else is a minefield made worse if you do not trust them. This looks like a swinging axe over your head that is serving no positive purpose.

Enabler