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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Latest Crisis  (Read 587 times)
loveandcare
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« on: February 18, 2019, 07:43:14 PM »

First of all - sorry I've been so quiet here. Christmas was awful, sadly. Our BPD-DD (19) went missing for days prior to Christmas, then rolled up high on Christmas Day, and essentially ruined the day for everyone. We had family in town, and I was utterly ashamed of her behavior. Her erratic behavior has escalated since New Year. She was home briefly then disappeared for almost 3 weeks. Finally came back saying she was committed to getting better. She was here for 6 days, but I woke up one night to the awful drug smell and caught her smoking. After agreeing to go to rehab, she was allowed to stay, only to turn around and say she wouldn't go. While sitting mulling everything over we heard her stomping around. I called out her name only to hear an angry "WHAT?" followed by the front door slamming shut. Missing again for 3 days until last night when the door bell rang and she expects to come back.

I'm ashamed to say I lost my mind. I simply can't  bare this crazy, destructive, erratic, nonsensical behavior anymore. My husband told her she can come back when she is enrolled in a program, but we are no longer willing to listen to empty promises. It is total insanity. She didn't say anything, she just left.

Today we received an email that she has been pistol whipped and robbed, raped, videoed by her attackers naked, tied up in a car, and threatened with sex trafficking before she managed to escape and run to a strangers house. She claims these people know where we live and are going to come an attack us (which I don't believe, I think they said that to scare and control her).

My husband has gone to pick her up and is taking her to hospital. I have no idea what to do or where to turn. What do parents do in these situations? She lurches from crisis to crisis. At this point she claims to have been kidnapped at least 3 or 4 times, raped so many times I've lost count, she's been robbed at least 5 times to my knowledge... .the list goes on.

I feel I am trapped in some bizarre, endless, chaotic madness. She needs help far beyond what we can provide, and I am not willing to have such absolute mayhem in our home any longer. When she is not here (although it breaks my heart to say it) it is so calm and uneventful.

If anyone has any advise, please. What do I do? What is available for people like this? Where can they live? How do they support themselves? There is absolutely no way she could hold down a job or be responsible for anything like paying bills, so I just don't know how she can be independent, and yet if she stays here with us, I think we'll all implode.

Sorry to be so miserable, but I am pulling my hair out here. Never in a million years did I imagine this would be my life.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Music Ace
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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2019, 06:35:52 AM »

Loveandcare - I don't have any time for a meaningful response, but I couldn't just read this heartbreaking (and ludicrous) series of events. Is ANYTHING with our kids 'easy' or 'drama free'?  Never EVER does it seem to be just one thing.

My spidey sense triggers and I hope, for her sake and yours, that the horrendous events and physical assault are even partially a warped perspective or version she has created.  I feel horrible knowing that was one of my first reactions - the which part of this whole scenario is real and which is for effect.

As parents, we simply sit and wait, IN FEAR, for the next round.  We pick up the pieces, glue things together the best we can, and they go back out and put themselves in EXACTLY the same situations again. Yet ... .yet ... .we often feel like we couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't pick up those pieces.

I so wish I could wave a magic wand and solve this.  You have been thrown into a major crisis  ... .again.

Please know there are people here ready to listen WITHOUT JUDGEMENT (goodness knows we need that since our parenting always seems to be brought up by our children and sometimes even family and friends) and they have walked a similar path.

At the end of the day, you need to be able to hold your head upright knowing you have done what you needed to do... .FOR YOU (which, in turn, your BPD child also is doing  ... .in their mind). Your decisions and ways of dealing with them must be as guilt free as possible (I feel guilty about so much that I do or don't do.).

Their decisions are theirs alone. They can decide how to deal with boundaries that we and society have provided for them. But it is absolutely up to them. There are people in the world that do bad things and take advantage of weaker people, that is a sad reality. And it is so difficult for us as parents to watch as our children put themselves into those vulnerable situations  ... .BY CHOICE (through disregard, drug use, coersion, whatever their circumstance). But so much in their BPD happens because of their choices. 

Not my choices.

I wish you some peaceful moments today and as you move forward.  Know there are a lot of people here who care and will read through your story with sadness but be able to empathize.

Ace
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loveandcare
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2019, 09:21:02 AM »

Thank you for your kind words. So, sadly my husband came home empty handed. He waited up there looking around for hours, to no avail. Then, while he was out, I get a call from the person who helped her. She had looked at the numbers that had been called (by my DD) from her phone. I can't quite work out exactly what happened but I'm thinking this woman asked her to leave, so by the time my husband got out there she's already been on the streets for hours.

The woman says she was pretty badly hurt and needs medical treatment. I think my DDs odd behavior spooked her - apparently she (my DD) kept changing her story so I think she wondered what the heck she was getting mixed up in.

The police are involved, but it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Needless to say I have barely slept and feel like I am losing my marbles.  I feel so lost and powerless. I know I have to accept I am powerless over this, but that is SO SO difficult. The reality is, even if we manage to find her and get her home, the same thing will likely happen again in a week or two because this is (although probably the worst) just yet another crisis in a long string of crises.
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Huat
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2019, 11:20:37 AM »

Oh Loveandcare, my heart goes out to you and your husband!

I have read some of your posts from way back in 2014.  This has been a long, hard road for you.  For sure the two of you cannot be faulted for not doing everything in your power you can for this troubled daughter of yours.  You have been (are!) her safety net and I am sure you are wondering as to how much longer that safety net will work for her.

No one can/should tell you to do anything different than what you do.  Those are only decisions you and your husband can make.  I so echo what Music Ace has written to you... .especially the part about you being guilt-free in anything you do.  Bottom line... .you can't help someone who won't help themselves.  Hard as hell to even think about when it is one's child who is in danger.

Loveandcare, you have been here for a few years now... .testimony to what a life-line this community can be.  So many different stories... .so many different outcomes... .but all here to feel supported and validated.  Hope you keep feeling those vibes coming your way during this heart-breaking journey of yours.

((HUGS)... ... ..from Huat

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Mirsa
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2019, 02:09:57 PM »

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest crisis with your daughter and I can completely sense how agonizing it must be for you.  It is so hard when they are out of control like this.  In my case, my BPD DD would threaten to cut herself (and often did) and threatened to kill herself so many times.  It is exhausting and paralyzing and so hard to know when it is a bluff, just drama, and when she truly needs help.  In every single instance however, my heart would bleed at the obvious pain my daughter was in, even if her crises was pretty much self-inflicted. 

Have you talked with the Social Services department in the county or area where you live to learn more about what services they have for individuals like this?   Are there mental health programs or institutions where she could live and receive either in-patient or out-patient support, job counseling, rehab programs, etc.  Perhaps you could type up a timeline of the events of the past few years and bring that with you to speak with someone?   It sounds like a rehab or group home might be a good next step.  However, it this level of social services is beyond my experience, so I'm really just throwing out a few ideas.   

Of course, self-care and good boundaries will be important for you, but maybe there is a program that would offer some extra support.

Best wishes.
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loveandcare
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2019, 06:49:32 PM »

Hello again -

First of all, I am sorry to have been MIA. I am pretty depleted at this point. Long story short, we finally tracked her down after her pistol whipping incident. Picked her up in a dreadful part of the city, looking like a bedraggled hobo. Huge black eye, cuts over her face. Took her to ER. She had a fractured eye socket and cheek bone, her jaw was slightly out of alignment, plus other superficial tissue damage including neck pain where she had been choked. Her iPad was stolen too.

With all of this violence and horrific story of rape and sex abuse, what was she bothered about most? Yup - the iPad. The other stuff appeared to only serve to add drama to the situation; she barely seemed bothered about it otherwise. She kept changing her story with the police, and refused to get a rape-kit done. Finally got home about 2-3am.

You know the pattern - 3 days later she was gone. We had family visiting again so that was embarrassing. She showed her face once for about 20 minutes, then vanished. We didn't hear from her for the next week until she finally texted she was angry we "wouldn't let her see [the family member]"...! I could have screamed.

Took her to the emergency behavioral health place, detox, rehab...she was turned away. Apparently she wasn't suicidal so she wasn't a serious enough case. I couldn't believe it. Now we're in limbo. Don't want her here but don't know where else to put her. I'm going to reach out to social services as someone suggested. Last 2 nights she's been out all night and slept all day. 

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Huat
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2019, 10:39:12 AM »

Hi Loveandcare

I'm here again to give you a much-needed ((HUG).

With so much going on in your life, there is certainly no need to ever apologize for being "missing-in-action" from this forum.   You first posted in 2014 and you are still here.  That attests to the fact that this is a go-to-place for you... where you feel comfortable in pouring out your heart and your hurts.

While no one can come up with a magic answer that will help you in helping your daughter, each and every one of us is here to give you support in whatever it is you do...or...decide not to do.  No guilt trips, Loveandcare!  Stay confident in knowing that you are doing the best you can for her.

Keep posting...keep sharing.

More ((HUGS) for you.

Huat

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wendydarling
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« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2019, 08:06:35 PM »

Hi loveandcare

My heart goes out to you and your H.     It's shocking to realise how very ill and vulnerable our children are. I'm so sorry you were turned away when you needed help because your DD was not suicidal. Here the drill is sign up to the medical services if you are committed to help yourself and wait your lot. Do you have a local crisis team?

What are your family saying to you when they visit?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Mirsa
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2019, 09:13:16 PM »

Thinking of you.  Hope you are able to find some ways to take care of yourself in the midst of all this chaos.   

Mirsa
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loveandcare
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« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2020, 12:03:02 AM »

So - I'm back after almost a year's absence. Nothing has changed - in fact, it has gotten worse. We managed to get her into rehab twice. The first time, she was booted out for non-compliance. The second time, she left of her own accord. She has continued to use drugs, lie, steal, manipulate, have unprotected sex, and disappear for days or weeks at a time. We woke up one night to the smell of drugs and a stranger in the house. Finally we managed to get her onto a methadone program. She relapsed several times, but went back. I was feeling a tiny bit of hope as she was up to a decent dose and had stuck to the program for several weeks.

Then - she went missing. I woke up and she was gone. That was the end of May. We heard nothing from her until she called from a motel saying she was being pimped out and was exhausted from needing to use the drug every 2 hours to stave off withdrawals. Of course, it is all our fault according to her.

Legally, we have no options as she left of her own accord and is  over 18. Sadly, I have had to detach from her as my own health is suffering - mainly mental, but also physical from the stress and worry.  
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Sancho
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2020, 05:42:06 PM »

My heart goes out to you. Journeying with a loved one with BPD is difficult enough, but when other issues such as substance abuse are added - well, it becomes a nightmare in my experience. So am just sending loving thoughts and hope that knowing someone else knows what it's like is some small comfort.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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