Widow of a BPD Husband

[Hope26]

Hello All, I am not really new here, but feel as though I am because it has probably been three years since I checked in.  This group gave me great support in coping with my husband's behavior.  He passed in late 2016.  I still feel myself struggling with conflicting emotions.  One of them is guilt over feeling a sense of relief that I don't have to deal with this anymore.  Yet when he was on good behavior he was very good to me, which is the reason for the guilt, I guess.  Life is much more peaceful now.  I'm reading a novel about a wife who is shocked upon discovering her husband's 'dark side' and it brought up all those feelings again.  There is a part of me that would like to try again with another relationship, but the bigger part is saying 'no no no, I am much happier alone'.  My marriage to him was my second one and the first was not happy either.  I recognize huge codependency tendencies in myself, and know that I would lose myself again in my desire to please a significant other.  Also, I am a senior citizen now.  I guess I just wanted to vent and see if there is anyone else out there who can relate to my feelings.  I am so glad this group is still here!  Thanks for listening.

[hope2727]

Hello,

Iam so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about not wanting to try. Sometimes its just to exhausting. I find myself wondering if I am not just becoming totally anti social these days. My friend even bought me a little sign that reads "people eww" . I truly believe only you can know what is right for yourself. Maybe just go be your awesome self and have fun and see who comes your way. 

[Hope26]

Thank you!  I think that is excellent advice, and just what I am trying to do.  I hope you will do the same.  Life is calm and peaceful now, if not very exciting, and I think that is very healing, and allows much time for reflection.

[hope2727]

Glad it helped a bit. I think its important to consider was it exciting or was it anxiety provoking. I look back at my facebook memories every day and am amazed at how many of the photos I was smiling or laughing but looking back I was miserable or stressed out or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't say I don't miss mine. I still love him dearly. But I'll be darned if I go back to living like that. Quiet and calm are fine with me. I'll make my own excitement thanks.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, part of the healing is working through the triggers. I like crime shows, but I find that certain storylines trigger me. I've learned to change the channel even if the story is interesting. And Facebook bugs me at times. All of the happy couples. I stayed off of it around Valentine's Day.

When mine first left, everything seemed to trigger me. Things in the house, places, etc. etc. Thankfully I got through that and to the other side. I'm at a place of acceptance with the past and have enough positive memories in place.

I was deeply codependent too. Over time I've seen just how much that was a factor in how this unfolded. I was functioning in ways that I thought would save a marriage that needed way more than that.

And it's fine to remain single. Truly.

[Lucky Jim]

I still feel myself struggling with conflicting emotions.  One of them is guilt over feeling a sense of relief that I don't have to deal with this anymore.  Yet when he was on good behavior he was very good to me, which is the reason for the guilt, I guess. 

Hey Hope, Why are you carrying all that guilt around?  It's OK to let it go.  You're entitled to feel relieved, or any other feelings, after the loss of your H.  In my view, you are not responsible to maintain any particular feelings about him, now that he's gone.  Suggest you focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

LuckyJim

[Hope26]

Thanks to all of you who responded to my post.  Your words have been very  helpful and healing.  You are right, Lucky Jim, there is probably no reason for guilt.  I think I need to develop a much stronger sense of self.  Meanwhile I am enjoying being single most of the time.  Life is easier emotionally, and the ways in which it is more difficult are in themselves paths toward growth.  I am very grateful to all of you, and for this group.

[Mindfried]

You never know what the tied is going to bring in. Take life as it comes and maybe that special someone you are suppose to be with is right around the corner.