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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Trying to leave BPD wife  (Read 399 times)
Brian1977

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« on: May 12, 2019, 06:01:50 PM »

This is my first post.  May 28 will be my 12th wedding anniversary.  I've known my wife has had BPD for about 4 years, but I've known something was not right with her our entire marriage.  Over the years, things have progressively gotten worse, and hit rock bottom this month.  I know my marriage is over, and I believe that is what's best, I'm just really struggling with moving on.
My wifes daughter left for the Navy this week.  She did not handle it very well, and accused me of forcing her to join and giving her no other options.  Truth is this was a decision her daughter made, and she made on her own.  In addition to attacking me because she was not happy that her daughter joined the Navy, countless other attacks ensued, completely irrelevant to what my wife was upset about in the first place.  I'm hurt because for the first time in our marriage we had started marriage counseling, and had been doing really good.  We've learned how to stop fights before they happen and listen better.  We started dating again, and even made plans to head back to Orlando in two weeks to celebrate our anniversary where in the same hotel we met.  Things were actually looking positive for the first time in years.  Well, my wife's latest episode was worse than ever before.  I begged her to take a break, stay in our bedroom, leave for a while, do anything except continue to attack me.  One attack led to another, which then added attacks on my family, including my children.  Finally, my wife got physical me for the first time in our marriage.  She tried to choke me by standing behind me while I was working at my desk and grabbing my hooded sweatshirt, with repeated hitting.  I begged her to stop, and just leave my office.  She persisted...when I threatened to call the police in order to get her to stop, she got all the madder.  I called the police, and they arrested her.  The officer assured me the purpose was to get her help.  He stated he could tell something was wrong because when he tried to get her side of the story she couldn't answer any questions and kept bringing up irrelevant information.  He said by taking her with him they could force her into help, since she had never voluntarily gone.  He also wrote an emergency protective order to keep her out of the house.  Well, the next morning the magistrate released her without enforcing the protective order nor making her go for an evaluation.  As you can imagine, my entire situation is now worse. Not only did she not get help, but now we need to defend her in criminal court.  I realize I don't need to help her, but the intent was never to send her to court, it was to get her help.  Either way, I realize my marriage is over.  My wife is blaming me for the current situation, taking no responsibility at all.  There is so much more to my story, but this isn't even why I'm writing.  I'm writing because even though it really is so obvious that I need to get out of this relationship, and that my wife refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong with her, I'm really struggling.  It's almost impossible for me to focus on the 95% that is wrong with my marriage and instead I dwell over the 5% that has been amazing.  I cry thinking about the memories that we will never have again.  I feel weak for not being strong enough to endure the misery she has brought me (I've thought in the past that God brought me to her because I was strong enough to endure the pain and help her).  I'm terrified thinking about how she will get by without me.  I don't want to focus on the negative (even though when I do it really helps me believe I need to leave) because I don't want to remember her as being this horrible person...when she is not having an episode she is the most caring and beautiful person in the world.  As unhealthy as my life is, my mind continues to revert back to the good times we've had, and thinking about a future with grandchildren, etc.  I feel lost without her already.  Just minutes ago I asked her a simple question (had she seen my keys) and she verbally attacked me, yet all I want to do is go lay in bed with her and watch a movie. 
My wife has emotionally abused me for years, and this week alone, in her anger, she's run up $12,000 on the credit card, yet I'm still having a hard time moving forward.  I've read every book and literature about BPD, but I wish I hadn't.  In the end, nothing worked.  I feel like these resources sometimes kept me going, when I should have just ran a long time ago.  I know that's not fair, but trying to implement all the techniques from these resources simply didn't matter because my BPD wife won't admit anything is wrong and won't get help.  They did make situations and problems easier to deal with, and they gave me insight into my wife, but in the end, I'm even more sympathetic towards her poor behavior than before. 
I guess the point to all of this is I'm trying to leave, get my life in order, but I'm just really struggling to do so.
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2019, 06:28:18 PM »

Dear Brian1977-
I am deeply sorry for the pain, sadness and confusion that brings you to our site, but very glad you’ve found your way to us.  You’ll find others here who’ve gone through situations similar to yours, and this may provide some comfort, hope and insight for you...I hope it does. 

(I’ll be back shortly - we’re in the midst of a lightning storm and I need to shut down my electronics-I apologize !)

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2019, 06:51:10 PM »

Hi Brian77,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through a really difficult time. You have a lot going on right now, this is not something that you want to find yourself into. You're not alone, there are many members here that are in a similar situation as you and can offer you guidance and support.

Excerpt
I feel weak for not being strong enough to endure the misery she has brought me (I've thought in the past that God brought me to her because I was strong enough to endure the pain and help her).

Don't be hard on yourself.

Excerpt
I'm terrified thinking about how she will get by without me.

How was she doing before you met?

Are you safe?

You probably already know that BPD is also called emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD can't self sooth or regulate their emotions and don't deal with stress very well at all. She'll probably be emotionally dysregulated for some time, you can learn the tools on the improving board to make the current situation, where you are right now at this moment more tolerable.

Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Brian1977

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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2019, 05:16:59 AM »

Thank you for your response.  When I first met my wife, she worked full time and had a good job with responsibility.  BPD signs only came out once or twice a year.  I learned through years of marriage that she was abused as a child, pretty badly (sexually).  She was able to retire from work, and that's when things got really bad.  We moved into an apartment for about four months while our new, dream home was being built.  It triggered something because she became an absolute horror since then (this was in Aug 2014).  I often feel she has too much free time to dwell on things that upset her.  Her biological girls (now 19 and 17) have lived with us the past 12 years.  I'm their father, their bio-dad is a convicted felon.  I don't want to say the girls hate her, because they do love her and are dying for her affection, but I'm the only stable in their lives.  Over the years, they've questioned why I would have stuck around in this marriage for so long. 
I've always felt safe in my home, at least from physical harm.  My wife has always been able to get to me through other, non-physical means such as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, depleting our savings accounts, etc.  However, I saw an anger in her this past week I've never seen before, and I'm not sure what her limit is regarding physical conduct.  I have an escape plan in place, my important possessions are at my brothers house, I've retained an attorney who has filed divorce paperwork, and the local police (the CIT or CTI?  basically the one with mental health training) is also well aware of the situation.
With all that said, I woke up this morning praying for my wife and still hoping that she will get better.  I know I need to move on, but it seems like my heart is keeping me stuck.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2019, 09:56:30 AM »

Hey Brian1977, Let me join Mutt and Gems, and say Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though sometimes the darkest hour is right before the dawn.  You sound pretty down and depleted.  I can relate as I used up all my emotional, physical and financial resources in my marriage to my BPDxW.  What would you like to see happen?  You mention that you are "trying" to leave.  What steps if any have you taken to make a change?  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  Maybe you could get away for a few days with friends or family to get re-centered?  Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
iluminati
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2019, 03:14:08 PM »

First, a hearty welcome.

Second, she beat you to the point the cops had to get involved.  You might need to reach out to a local domestic violence group.  Not all of them are male friendly, but some are, and they'll provide some resources.

Third, take heart.  You didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it.  Once you realize that, life will be easier.
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
Brian1977

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« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2019, 08:16:05 AM »

Wow, hearing from everyone definitely helps, thank you all.  I don't understand why I can't see the obvious that is in front of me.  My 17 y/o stepdaughter told me yesterday "What would you tell me if my boyfriend treated me the way my mom treats you?"  Kind of eye opening, except I don't have an explanation for why my response is different.

My BPD wife is facing criminal charges, but the arresting officer (who is CIT certified) states he wants to work with the prosecutor to just get her some help which would result in all charges being dropped, my wife's response is simply "I don't need help, I need an attorney."  She is facing a felony.  I guess in my mind I would be like "I'll go through any treatment you want to avoid a criminal charge" even if I had no intention of listening to a darn thing.

The real question I'm asking myself is, at this point, why do I even care anymore what she does?  My life/relationship is 5% good and 95% bad, yet, it's almost impossible to think about anything other than the 5% (when thinking about the relationship ending)
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2019, 09:42:44 AM »

Excerpt
My 17 y/o stepdaughter told me yesterday "What would you tell me if my boyfriend treated me the way my mom treats you?"  Kind of eye opening, except I don't have an explanation for why my response is different.

Hey Brian, Your step-daughter makes a good point.  Maybe you need to sit with your feelings and have a talk with yourself?  What would you like to see happen?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Are you tempering your hopes with realism?  It helps to start with where things are now, at present, not at some indeterminate point in the future.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2019, 08:49:46 PM »

My BPD wife is facing criminal charges, but the arresting officer (who is CIT certified) states he wants to work with the prosecutor to just get her some help which would result in all charges being dropped, my wife's response is simply "I don't need help, I need an attorney."  She is facing a felony.  I guess in my mind I would be like "I'll go through any treatment you want to avoid a criminal charge" even if I had no intention of listening to a darn thing.

I know that this part doesn't make sense, how the inflexibility and rigidness doesn't help, a pwBPD believe that their problems are not caused with the choices that they make their malaise is caused by outside circumstances - it's always someone else's fault. A pwBPD are predictable you'll see the same patterns repeat. This is probably not the first time that the officer has seen this - it's between her and him.

I agree with Lucky Jim she's her biological D, you would think that there would be a high chance that she would be loyal to her mom and take her side. It sounds like she knows her mom very well. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees and it helps to listen to feedback from others that are not so close to it as you are.

Do you wish that she gets help ? Is that why you're disappointed with her not taking the officers offer?
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Brian1977

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« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2019, 04:51:57 AM »

I do agree with my daughter, and this isn't news to me.  It's like I have a weakness for one person in this world - my wife.  I'm disappointed because I would have thought being arrested would be a wake up call, but instead, still everyone else's fault.  I'm also disappointed the magistrate didn't send her straight to help.  I completely realize that no help will be any good if she isn't willing to receive it, but now I feel the entire situation is worse.  Not only did she get no help, she will now rage about how others "made her get arrested."  I tried to use the drug dealer as an analogy, and that they don't go to jail because of snitches, they go to jail because they sell drugs.  Unfortunately, my wife now has even more reason to get angry and upset and accusatory. 
For all the reasons I've mentioned the past couple days, my marriage is essentially over.  I realize I can do nothing more, and things haven't changed (other than my own physical, mental and emotional health are on life support).  Choosing to leave and actually leaving are two totally different things, and my mind and heart are just spinning out of control.  A classic internal fight between intellect and emotions.
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Mutt
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« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2019, 08:47:20 AM »

Here’s another analogy from AA people have to hit their rock bottom, everyone has their own rock bottom, if a pwBPD take steps to help themselves it’s usually when they're backed into a corner.

I realized that it’s better for me to leave the marriage and take care of myself because taking care of my exuBPDw’s wasn’t helping either one of us, her dysfunction continued because she didn’t have accountability. It wasn’t helping my mental health or sense of self. Maybe if I removed myself from the picture so that three was one less person in her life enabling her, in the 90’s they used to call it tough live.

I hear you about the heart not synchronized with your mind. I think that you know what your answer is, you signed up on a forum, I think that you want help. Just know that you’re not alone, you have help here and people will never for you through this stage in life.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2019, 10:05:44 AM »

Hey Brian, I agree w/Mutt.   Sometimes the best solution is to take oneself out of the equation.  You're participating in a dynamic that is unhealthy for you and your W.  It's a thankless vigil to wait for her to see the light or to expect a Magistrate to solve her problems.  I suggest you focus on the things within your control, i.e., mostly your own actions and feelings.  What can you do to get things on a better path for you?

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Brian1977

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« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2019, 10:13:57 AM »

Yes, I know that, and am working on it.  That's what started me on this posting.  I realize what I must do, and that it is the right thing to do (for both me and my wife), but when push comes to shove, actually doing it becomes so difficult.  I worry about how my wife will make it as she seems to have the mindset of a toddler (not joking, I'm very worried that she can't even function like an adult anymore).  However, I know that all she is doing is bringing me down with her.  It doesn't help I've had a pretty long relationship which saw the development of four kids, youngest was 3 and oldest is currently 22.  Seems like my entire life is the past 12 years and saying goodbye is difficult for me - no matter how healthy I know it will be.  Trying to make sense with someone that can't make sense is just an impossible task...but one that I unfortunately have not completely given up on.  It's close - I have an aggressive attorney who's dealt with BPDs and is just trying to get me on my own as soon as possible.  Doesn't stop me from caring or worrying about my wife.  I'm trying to get her to think about life on her own...another impossible task, almost as though she is not taking me seriously.
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Mutt
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« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2019, 10:57:11 AM »

The reason why I chose this board is because it showed compassion towards a pwBPD unlike other boards were they have vitriol towards a pwBPD. She’s your wife, BPD doesn’t define her a person, they’re traits, personality quirks. I completely understand where you’re coming from but from what you’re sharing here you’re putting her needs before yours. That’s common with a lot of members, it sounds like you’re enmeshed instead of two adults acting independently you’re acting as one entity, you don’t know where you end and the other person begins.

BEHAVIORS: Enmeshment

What does Brian1977 want?
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Brian1977

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« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2019, 11:04:44 AM »

I lost a close friend a few years ago.  He was Catholic, and he knew he was dying (from cancer).  I guess Catholics have people that help them deal with the inevitable.  At my friends wake, this gentleman shared some of the things that they spoke about prior to my friends death.  He said, Cary wasn't afraid of dying, but he wanted to know how he knew his wife and family would be OK without him.  I guess I want the same thing.  Like Cary, I know I'm leaving (not dying, but leaving)...but I still want to know that my wife will be OK without me...and that our kids will be OK, and everything else that will change will be OK.  My marriage is a disaster filled with emotional abuse, there is no denying that.  But not everything about my marriage is bad.  My wife and I have found ways to help others, and do other things that are good.  I keep feeling like if I do what I know I need to do and leave, all of these other things will be left in worse shape.  That burden is eating at me on a daily basis - to the point it blinds me of the horrible life I'm currently living.
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