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Author Topic: Possible recycle? Please help me do things better this time.  (Read 107 times)
Pytagoras
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 95



« on: August 12, 2019, 03:15:12 PM »

Hello! I've been here for a while.

I'll write a short version of last events:

9 months ago my 3y exBPDgf broke up with me. We've been 2 and a half months apart, without seen each other, but we had never been more than 6 days without contact. Then, she came back, we've been 6 months togheter. I aknowledge later that she had her ex bf living in her house when we were apart. She said they didn't get involved with him, but it's hard to believe. Things were fine, altough, we were more distant in the last two months, mostly because of work. I had some troubles to get over her ex- being at her house, so 1 month ago i texted her, breaking up and saying that was hard to trust her now. Next day i apologized and said it was just an outburst, but it was too late. She distanced herself, i tried to run after her, she talked with me, a little bit cold, but said she wanted to be alone. One day she called me, we hang out, kissed, etc. And one night, i went into her FB profile and found that she was on a r/s with some other guy, even when she told me days before, that she wasn't seeing anyone. She started this new r/s days after we had a very romantic dinner where she told she loved me and wanted to have kids with me. It is almost has she was showing of her new r/s. Something i think usually she never does.

I went 18 days NC. In the 18th day i sent her a letter from the treasure department (taxes) of her that i received in my mail box. Next day she called me on whatsapp. I didn't answer (i was working). Then she texted me asking about the letter. Then she thanked me for sending her the mail and said that she's going to get surgery in the uterus (she is having some problems last months). Then we started to talk about that, i only answer from time to time, but always friendly. She said she was alone when she aknowledge she had to get surgery and was in panic.

We texted a little bit for two days and in the third day, she invited me to a car ride. She was in pain (physical), and she cried a lot. Very scared of her health condition. Scared of a possible cancer. She said that maybe she would leave for another town, to start over (what about her new bf? Does he mean nothing?). This all seemed to me like she was bargain with me ("Do you wanna start over with me or else i'll leave.") Then, we hugged a lot, she cried, she trembled, she kissed me, hold me so tight, said she missed so much. She said i should propose her in marriage. Oh boy. She also said that she's living with a female friend and that she sleeps alone every night (indirectly).

She was cold and almost never answered when i tried to text her before. Now it's completely different. In our 3y r/s, i was always very supportive when she had health issues. Even in the last few months i paid for every health care expenses and i was by her side always. Maybe this shocking event trigered her memories of me and she painted me white again?

Of course this is all crazy. She published romantic pictures with her new bf 3 weeks ago. Our common friends said she did that to hurt me, since she thought that i wanted to break up with her. She lied to me and cheated on me, because it's obvious that she was preparing my substitute in case our r/s failed. And now this.

As time passes, and mainly in the last few weeks i've been able to don't take things so personally. I am more detached in that particular. However, i still have feelings for her, and altough ambigous, i want to be with her once more.

That's why i started this topic on this panel. I've been alternating between this and "Detaching..." panel, because i thought she was gone for good and already idealizing the new bf. But this last events make me think that maybe she didn't totally detached from me yet.

I've been reading the materials of "relationship skills". I can use it with her, if she comes back, but if she don't, it will be useful to me anyway.

What do you think of this?
And do you think i can do? Whats your advice?

I am aware that some people here come in a crisis time and when recycle a relationship, disapear until a next crisis. I did it also. But this time, i want to be here with you guys to work things trought.

Thk You

My Last Topics of this matter:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338460.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338387.0
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ColdKnight
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74



« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2019, 04:07:54 PM »

Hello,

I just yesterday ended it for good with my uBPDgf. This was her first recycle of me. During the first “cycle” I knew nothing of BPD and approached it like any other relationship. I saw red flags early on but ignored them. After four months she discarded me.

We ran into each other and texted a few times over the next year. I read everything I could to figure out how this sweet affectionate girl could have dumped me so coldly with no warning. I found out about narcissism and BPD. I was, still am, convinced she has BPD.

This April I called her up and said I wanted to give us a second try. She agreed. I thought I could make it work. I had all the tools. I would validate her, I would re assure her, as not to invoke abandonment. I would set boundaries, I made sure I didn’t smother her so not to invoke engulfment.

None of it worked. She would constantly push/pull me. Something would anger her and she would give me the silent treatment. I would send her a text daily saying “I’m not going to abandon you, I am here for you, I’m still here.” Etc. She would continue to ignore me.

After two weeks of silent treatment I recontacted her (I swore I would not) and she responded coldly. I texted her the next day explaining what I thought happened and what my mindset was. Basically an apology. She responded that she had met someone.

The first go around lasted around four months and this one lasted around four months as well

I am not sure what triggered her this time but I believe she started lining up my replacement after this trigger and once he was locked in she discarded me.

You probably will get her back but I don’t know if you will be able to keep her. From what I have been reading, unless they are aware they have a problem AND are willing to work on it then it is pretty much a lost cause. Even then they could still decide to discard you. I have read plenty of accounts on this site where they were working on it together and things were going well and BOOM its over, something shinier caught their eye.

I tried so hard to give her what I thought she needed and here I am alone again.

Take it for what its worth, I’m no one of consequence
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Take it for what it’s worth, I am no one of consequence.
Pytagoras
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 95



« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2019, 06:30:42 AM »

Hello Coldknight,

Sorry to ear that. How are you feeling now?

What you described is very common within this disorder. I think there is no formula that grant us success, and even doing the best we can, based on the knowledge gathered by all of us here, it's unlikely to be successful. Nevertheless, in most cases, we are all eager to have an oportunity to improve things. I think that says a lot about us and the situation itself.

It's guilt that holds me in this situation. I always think i can do better next time. And maybe i can improve things a little bit.

The burden shouldn't be on us like this, so heavy. So, we shouldn't feel so awful. It's perfectly normal to fail in this relationships. They are almost all destined to fail. And even when they don't, at what cost?
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ColdKnight
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74



« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2019, 01:35:47 AM »

I feel good that the constant wondering is over. That was the worst part I believe. Is she going to text me? what upset her? How long is the silent treatment going to last this time? When is the next discard going to come? All those things are not a worry anymore. I will not reach out to her and I highly doubt she will me.

I miss her but in time that will fade. My father told me long ago that he had once seen a clock. Written around the face were the words “Love makes time go and time makes love go”. I reflect on the truth of that often.

I can’t say I was completely in love with her but I had very strong feelings for her that could have turned into love had things been different.

I hope you are holding up.
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Take it for what it’s worth, I am no one of consequence.
Pytagoras
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 95



« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2019, 05:28:43 AM »

Hello Coldknight,

Yes, i think time will be on your side.

I am speaking with her everyday. She says i am everything she has here in this town. Calling me before going to sleep. Yesterday she said "I'm yours, my love".

Well, but i don't feel safe. I'm not enthusiastic as before.

Let's see what happens...
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ColdKnight
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2019, 03:16:37 AM »

I never felt safe either.....there was alway that creeping fear.......when is the bottom going to drop.......
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Take it for what it’s worth, I am no one of consequence.
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