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Author Topic: The strange melancholy of seeing ex's social media.  (Read 551 times)
ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
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« on: January 16, 2020, 09:23:23 AM »

It's the most heartbreaking feeling seeing social media posts from my ex. There's an almost irresistible temptation to engage with it in some way that you know is probably inappropriate but which the nostalgic half of your mind seeks as a means of encouraging some sense of friendliness.

For example my ex (wBPD traits) posted a meme, using a distorted Salvador Dali's face, to take an amusing yet self deprecating stance on dissociation. The caretaker part of me yearns to reach out, interpreting it as the kind of cry for attention I so readily headed in the relationship, even if it's just adding a light hearted comment. Yet there is the risk I appear to violate our established boundaries.

It's true we are on friendly terms, last night we had a brief text conversation about how we're both doing and getting my things back. It was surprisingly pleasant and showed a warmth and humour from her that has been conspicuously absent from our post breakup interactions. I expressed hope she was taking care of herself (she ended the r/s because she wanted to focus on getting better), she saw the funny side of admitting she was sitting in a pub drinking whiskey by herself.

I encouraged a positive perspective on it and said there's nothing to be ashamed of for taking yourself on dates, nobody is more important that yourself ultimately. Then I recommended some music for 'cathartic release' if she felt overwhelmed anytime. She didn't reply to these comments so I wished her goodnight before driving home and affirmed she can talk to me anytime.

It's this hot and cold dynamic that leaves me wondering how far I can go. My mind wanders from thinking she's just feeling rough to she's uncomfortable talking to me. That's why I feel this vague, powerless melancholia when seeing her social media activity - looking for meaning with limited tools and not knowing how to react.

Can anyone relate?
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ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2020, 09:41:28 AM »

Sorry this was an accidental comment I can't figure out how to delete. I meant to add that a similar distancing was displayed when she asked me how my job hunting was going back in December, to which I replied quite late and received no answer in return.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2020, 09:55:07 AM by kisaacs68 » Logged
Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 02:38:10 PM »

It's this hot and cold dynamic that leaves me wondering how far I can go.

I would not say that she it not comfortable talking to you  - if f she's talking to you it means that she has positive thoughts about you which is a good thing.

What do you mean by how far?

Ultimately what do you want? Are you trying to get back together?
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ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2020, 06:40:17 AM »

I would not say that she it not comfortable talking to you  - if f she's talking to you it means that she has positive thoughts about you which is a good thing.

What do you mean by how far?

Ultimately what do you want? Are you trying to get back together?

I understand what you're saying but I would add that more recently her reaching out seems an act of necessity, to talk about returning my belongings. But then she always seems interested in the activity of my personal life at the same time.

In the month of the break up she initiated contact quite often. Initially because of her own insecurities and poor mental health. Then she moved to asking what I was doing and called to have a general chat once. I was an anxious mess toward the end of the month so tried to clarify truthfully whether the split was more due to mental health or me as a partner, her saying the former. It was a few weeks later that she asked for news on my job hunt. Since then and the Christmas card I sent her my possessions have been the cause for any interaction.

By how far I mean how much can I attempt to have basic friendly interactions with her without coming across as needy or not committed to my own life. When she called in November I said I will try to focus on improving my life while she improves her own but if she wants to chat with me anytime or needs someone for a little support then i'm happy to be there. Therefore i'm resisting temptation to reach out first most of the time so I can stick to my word and not appear flustered by the separation. Sometimes I watch or read something I know she'd like and I feel like I can't break these boundaries even if I was intent on keeping it brief.

Ultimately I am interested in reconciliation, but the certainty of that is ambiguous. Her main reason for breaking things off was mental health, not feeling able for a relationship and not knowing how long it might take to feel 100% again (though a trigger likely contributed to it). I like to believe this is referring to BPD treatment as she mentioned this the week before we split after an evaluation. I've indicated twice that the door is open for her when she feels able, and she has vaguely thanked me for the assurances.

Logically I can't see any reason it can't work eventually if she becomes more self aware of her unhealthy behaviour and I become more confident and assertive in avoiding co-dependency. She doesn't know how much i've learnt about BPD and how to behave more sensitively as a partner, I hope one day I can reveal this when she is ready.  

It's difficult to imagine though because we're in different countries, she's tied to her town thanks to her child and my career direction is uncertain at this point. But i'd love to try if we both can accept and learn from our mistakes, the negativity was such a minor element of the relationship I think we could manage it.

This probably belongs on the 'bettering a relationship' forum now doesn't it?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: January 18, 2020, 06:53:58 AM by kisaacs68 » Logged
Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2020, 09:48:16 AM »

Excerpt
recently her reaching out seems an act of necessity, to talk about returning my belongings. But then she always seems interested in the activity of my personal life at the same time.

Shes chasing you and she wants to know if there’s someone in your life if she’s interested in your personal life.

Excerpt
By how far I mean how much can I attempt to have basic friendly interactions with her without coming across as needy or not committed to my own life.

I see what you’re saying now.

Excerpt
When she called in November I said I will try to focus on improving my life while she improves her own but if she wants to chat with me anytime or needs someone for a little support then i'm happy to be there. Therefore i'm resisting temptation to reach out first most of the time so I can stick to my word and not appear flustered by the separation

I don’t want you to take this the wrong way I’m saying this to you  to help you it helps to talk to others to understand what you’re putting out there.

You’re giving out hot and cold vibes because you still like her and if she is saying that there was too much going on, you’re right there’s something that’s coming from you that she doesn’t like and that you need to change. Women are not going to be direct with you, you have to read between the lines.

You’ll have to figure out what that is. What do you think that you need to work on?

She’s chasing you there’s an a good attraction level from her side. If you want to reconcile figure out what you’re messing up and work on it.
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2020, 10:32:39 AM »

Hi.

I am just popping in here to let you know I moved your post to this board, the bettering board, so you can talk with others about strategies for improving the way you interact with your ex and with how you are working around your boundaries, regardless of your ultimate goal with your relationship.

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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2020, 02:03:10 PM »

Shes chasing you and she wants to know if there’s someone in your life if she’s interested in your personal life.


It was a mistake to say personal life. I meant to refer to how my life is going generally, especially regarding employment. She hasn't asked me if i'm dating anyone new.

I don’t want you to take this the wrong way I’m saying this to you  to help you it helps to talk to others to understand what you’re putting out there.

You’re giving out hot and cold vibes because you still like her and if she is saying that there was too much going on, you’re right there’s something that’s coming from you that she doesn’t like and that you need to change. Women are not going to be direct with you, you have to read between the lines.

You’ll have to figure out what that is. What do you think that you need to work on?

She’s chasing you there’s an a good attraction level from her side. If you want to reconcile figure out what you’re messing up and work on it.

Are you saying that the source of her not answering my messages sometimes is because I haven't acknowledged my own faults in the relationship? That I haven't identified what I need to change in myself?

If anything I suspect it's my lack of assertiveness, self esteem and desire to avoid conflict leading me to not take control of a situation when she felt triggered. In essence: codependency and reactions to triggering her. I feel so appallingly guilty for mishandling a trigger on the last night I was with her by just capitulating to her silent rage. In hindsight I think she felt I was rejecting her and I failed to see the inner pain behind her comments that would've lead me to console her. Perhaps she deplores how I didn't say that BPD doesn't change my feelings, or that I didn't demonstrate what I was doing to learn about it at the time.

I apologised for what I said that caused the trigger when we were breaking up but she insisted it had nothing to do with that incident. Regretfully I was still fixated on grovelling for what I had said (which wasn't mean at all) rather than apologising for being defensive and not trying to maturely calm her down.

I wrote a letter in December to summarize what I've learnt about these issues. I asked this forum whether I should send it and the consensus was to not as there were too many risks for misinterpretation, defensiveness etc. Others elsewhere did have opposing views however.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341921.msg13093997#msg13093997

There's much more detail in there describing exactly what happened. Would it actually help to admit fault in any way? Many people say it might backfire.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2020, 02:16:14 PM by kisaacs68 » Logged
Mutt
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2020, 03:15:00 PM »

Excerpt
It was a mistake to say personal life. I meant to refer to how my life is going generally, especially regarding employment. She hasn't asked me if i'm dating anyone new.

She’s not going to be direct and ask you if you’re seeing someone else. She’s listening to what you’re saying.

Excerpt
Are you saying that the source of her not answering my messages sometimes is because I haven't acknowledged my own faults in the relationship?

If you’re over pursuing a woman she’s  not going to answer because it shows that  you’re being clingy or needy because it’s not attractive. If she’s not answering don’t do anything let her pursue you.

How much are you texting and calling a day?

Excerpt
Regretfully I was still fixated on grovelling for what I had said (which wasn't mean at all) rather than apologising for being defensive and not trying to maturely calm her down.

Women are not attracted to neediness and I wouldn’t try to calm her down - if she’s being disrespectful towards you then you don’t have to take that behavior walk away from the situation.

Excerpt
Would it actually help to admit fault in any way? Many people say it might backfire.

I agree with the others rather than telling her show her by figuring out what turns her off and doing the self work and demonstrating that you have changed through your actions, don’t verbally announce it but announce it in how you interact and carry yourself differently.
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ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2020, 04:08:11 PM »

She’s not going to be direct and ask you if you’re seeing someone else. She’s listening to what you’re saying.


I see

If you’re over pursuing a woman she’s  not going to answer because it shows that  you’re being clingy or needy because it’s not attractive. If she’s not answering don’t do anything let her pursue you.

How much are you texting and calling a day?


Yeah i'm not taking any notice of it, I act as if it never happened and wait for the next interaction.

Most days at the moment there is no contact made. As I said before, the initial flurry of interactions came throughout November after the break up and she slowed down after she called me and I established the existing boundaries. That said it was more or less every couple of days and at most a week. A large gap (25th Nov - 8th Dec) came after I asked her whether the break up was more determined by her personal issues or me. On 8th she popped up to ask how my job search was going, not responding to my late reply. A few days later she thanked me for a card i'd sent her.

At the end of the month I felt forced to ask about my stuff at her house again and I think I may have had a casual conversation with her on Instagram a few days before. Then nothing for two weeks until she sends the messages in my first post.

I agree with the others rather than telling her show her by figuring out what turns her off and doing the self work and demonstrating that you have changed through your actions, don’t verbally announce it but announce it in how you interact and carry yourself differently.


It seems to be admissions of vulnerability, lack of confidence or even being too sentimental in expressing empathy that turns her off. I think showing that i'm busy and I have goals (when I get a job) will help too. The difficulty is conveying a changed sense of self when it's impossible to see her from the other side of a sea and her desire to reach out is perhaps diminishing with time.
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Mutt
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« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2020, 04:40:40 PM »

Excerpt
It seems to be admissions of vulnerability, lack of confidence or even being too sentimental in expressing empathy that turns her off.

I’d work on this if you choose to work on it, it’s up to you if you want her back.

Excerpt
I think showing that i'm busy and I have goals (when I get a job) will help too.

You’re absolutely right  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
The difficulty is conveying a changed sense of self when it's impossible to see her from the other side of a sea and her desire to reach out is perhaps diminishing with time.

Calls are free on WhatsApp and you can do video calls. I’d do a video call at some point in the future if she’s not contacting you much right is then that telegraphs her level of attractiveness towards you, let her become curious about what you’re up to I’d suggest don’t contact her let her come to you and do self work in the meantime.
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ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2020, 03:35:56 AM »

Thanks for the detailed advice Mutt.

I am working on myself in therapy and hopefully i'll be able to practice what i've learnt in a new setting if I move out of town. I'll let her come to me and only break that if there is something clear to say and i'm not reaching out out of loneliness.
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Mutt
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« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2020, 10:13:23 AM »

I'll let her come to me and only break that if there is something clear to say and i'm not reaching out out of loneliness.

You're welcome, what do you do for self care? What kind of hobbies do you have? I'm an introvert so I used to spend a lot of time alone, I have a girlfriend I still need my alone time, I started working out 5 years ago and what I like about it that I'm around people when I'm in the gym.
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ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours

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« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2020, 12:41:03 PM »

You're welcome, what do you do for self care? What kind of hobbies do you have? I'm an introvert so I used to spend a lot of time alone, I have a girlfriend I still need my alone time, I started working out 5 years ago and what I like about it that I'm around people when I'm in the gym.

My main hobbies are reading (sci fi and hist. fiction mainly) and photography, though the ex has my camera so I can't go indulging in that right now. When I was younger I was involved in amateur theatre, martial arts and I played saxophone for a while - life and teenage hormones meant I gave these up however.

When my anxiety gets out of control these days I tend to watch some familiar comedy/tv series. Right now it's Cowboy Bebop, unfortunately something me and the ex strongly related on, but the themes of isolation and battles with one's past have an appealing resonance. Often I find solace in music, my interest is mainly in rock and lately my favourite band's magnum opus The Holy Bible is helping my inner pain feel validated - even with the dark themes Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I'm a very strong introvert (the one Myers-Briggs trait I always test high on), the ex was the first person i've been close to who really understood the consequent needs, even if she gave me no alone time when I was in my home country. I have understood the need to be around people increasingly in recent years but it's difficult when many friends have moved across country and i'm not certain where i'll be based in near future.
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