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Author Topic: Ex broke up with me and feeling emotionally depleted - BPD?  (Read 314 times)
exBPD2020

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« on: August 25, 2020, 07:13:42 PM »

4 months no contact, 6 months since I last saw her, and I’m still feeling so ruined at it all wondering where the hell it went wrong. Feeling incredibly guilty with myself and keep ruminating about the what if’s.

This breakup, coupled with quarantine, has left me in a horrible mental state and for the first time, I made the step forward to get psychological support.  

Now, this is my first post, and it was only until I spoke with my therapist that she mentioned that my ex-girlfriend may have exhibited traits of BPD and I just wanted clarity around it, which brought me here. I hope this post is allowed, and wanted to see if the traits I experienced were indicative of BPD, and explanations for them.

The relationship only lasted 5 months but it honestly felt like a life time. We met at work, and noticed an instant connection with her, unlike which I’ve never experienced. We had the same taste in music, movies, food, absolutely everything. Both career driven and were graduating soon to take the next step. It felt almost too perfect.

We had a multitude of dates in quick succession, and were official quite quickly. We exchanged “I love you’s” within a month (which looking back felt like she almost manipulated me into saying it). But my feelings were really strong for her, and it felt like I met my soulmate as corny and cliche it sounds.

I was reserved because of previous experiences with girls, and she was always going on about me not wearing my heart on my sleeve like she was doing. Feeling good with her, I went with it. I was sappy. I was in love

Her statements of love were profound; she had come out of a 4 year relationship and said that even after that, shes never felt the way that she did now, that she’s never been treated with as much respect before me, her friends were saying she found the one, her family were quite impressed and so on. She even jokingly mentioned marriage a few times within the first month or two. I was on top of the world. My dating life was sparse and unlucky and felt like I hit the jackpot.

Now there were a few instances that looking back may be indicative or BPD but I don’t know if it’s enough;
- was worried our relationship wouldn’t last outside of work (we were both leaving due to seeking full time work)
- she was worried I was still in contact with exes (never had one before)
- worried when I was running 10 minutes late to her home
- worried I was going to leave her
- retroactive jealousy
- constant migraines and back pains
- needed reassurance that we were ok if we didn’t text as much during the day or after a minor misunderstanding/disagreement
- use of you always/you never statements (you never text me, you never know what to say to me) and then revert on those statements and say I was there for her always
- unstable/tumultuous relationship with her best friend - always arguing and making up.
- emotions would change from happy to sad and back to happy quickly

Now, throughout this relationship I was always there for her. In particular, she was quite emotional regarding her father - he has been mentally unwell in the wards since birth due to schizophrenia, and at times would say she would be guilty if anything happened to him. I always tried to console her regarding this but it proved to be a difficult situation.

Fast forward 4 months and things seemed to be doing ok as we were getting into the rhythm of full time work. However I noticed some distance, and she said that it felt like she couldn’t love me the way I loved her and that she “pushes away those that she loves the most”. I, again, ensured her I felt loved, that she deserved to be loved, and that I was always there for her if she ever needed it. I tried to speak with her but she kept saying my minds a mess but not to worry about her.

After a week of trying to see her, but couldn’t t due to conflicting schedules, she called up tearfully and asked if we were working as a couple. She wanted a break, but could still see herself with me, which felt like a contradictory statement.

Everything felt fine for a few days afterwards; we met up, spoke normally on the phone. She even joked and said look at us it’s as if we’re not even on a breakI tried my very best to avoid a break as it felt like it would break down communication. But she had her heart set on it. And so I pulled away. To my disdain, and it’s something I will regret for a long time. Our texts dwindled from all day to 3x per day. Daily phone call was stripped back to once a week if that. It felt like communication games and goes against everything I am for.

She immediately was confused where I was, and I was confused by her; she told me not to wait for her and to not feel like I’m in limbo. And when I pulled back, she started chasing me.

Now our communication was sporadic like I thought it would’ve been, and I keep thinking it’s my fault for making it something it probably wasn’t - but her words confused me.

I tried to keep a brave face whilst communicating with her, and she asked me why this wasn’t hard for me like it was for her. It was. I was ruined. I tried meeting up with her but was told that “she was busy with work and wanted to speak with me and that she still cared”
After 3 weeks of this nonsense, I pushed and told her we were worth fighting for and she told me she thought I would’ve fought harder for it. But she still saw herself with me and wanted to get back to what the relationship was like and saw herself marrying me.

A week later she broke up with me stating that she felt suffocated and that she wasn’t ready after I tried texting and calling her.

I found out she rebounded the week after with someone she met during the break, and was in another relationship with another person a month after me (and still is).

I apologised for my behaviour, and got nothing out of it. I went from the greatest person ever, to not existing.

My psychologist has said I’ve developed adjustment disorder. My anxiety is high. I feel like I ruined my relationship. I understand , you learn from your mistakes and grow from them. But I believed and envisioned a future with her. And now I’m nothing.

She scrubbed all work friends from social media, and has kept me as well as my close group of friends on there. It hurts when I see her but I feel petty removing her.

I’m a mess.
Does anything seem like BPD?
« Last Edit: August 25, 2020, 07:19:17 PM by exBPD2020 » Logged
exBPD2020

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 9


« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2020, 07:39:32 PM »

Edit: and when confronted if it was a soft break up she told me no, she would be upfront if she wanted a break up.
It never made sense, asking for something of that gravity, and then going on as if nothing was said. Maybe I just misunderstood the entire situation. A lot of back and forth thinking. That care and love was nothing like I felt before.

But like my therapist says ; there’s no break if you love someone.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2020, 08:06:43 PM »

My psychologist has said I’ve developed adjustment disorder

I found this interesting. Everything I have ever learned of psychology has been based around intimacy and abandonment. Was it explained how you developed this? Having problems wrapping my head around adjustments being disordered. Life is full of adjustments no?

The relationship only lasted 5 months but it honestly felt like a life time. We met at work, and noticed an instant connection with her, unlike which I’ve never experienced. We had the same taste in music, movies, food, absolutely everything. Both career driven and were graduating soon to take the next step.

This sounds like mirroring

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=131343.0

Feeling incredibly guilty with myself and keep ruminating about the what if’s.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326872.0

But like my therapist says ; there’s no break if you love someone.

I find this interesting. Therapy should be about you, not her opinion. Does she ask about your family and/or childhood ?

for the first time, I made the step forward to get psychological support. 

Good for you. As I continued to do this, it became a journey. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

it was only until I spoke with my therapist that she mentioned that my ex-girlfriend may have exhibited traits of BPD and I just wanted clarity around it,

What you speak of, sounds exactly like traits of BPD. I wish you well, Peace



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exBPD2020

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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2020, 08:14:27 PM »

From what I’ve gathered, I went into shock from the end of my relationship and have had anxious and depressive symptoms since. Which is more or less the basis for the disorder. Mental health has been deteriorating quite a bit.

When things were going good it just seems she sabotaged the whole thing. I just feel incredibly guilty as I pulled away and it felt like I was ignoring her instead of tackling the issues head on. Felt like I was playing those crappy push pull games inadvertently myself.

My therapist has been excellent; she’s just trying to get me out of my head as I’ve been telling her that it feels like I’ve gone against my core values of being authentic and loving. She’s telling me I have t changed and I’m consistent, whereas my partner seemed to be emotionally dysregulated and that with love/relationships, there’s no such thing as breaks and to now enforce boundaries in the future.

And yes she speaks about my family dynamics and how they’re doing and how I’m doing with them.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2020, 09:28:51 PM »

From what I’ve gathered, I went into shock from the end of my relationship and have had anxious and depressive symptoms since.

For me these feelings were learned to be a narcissistic extinction burst of sorts. It fit for me.

Mental health has been deteriorating quite a bit.

A r/s with a BPD person can rip off emotional band aides we have spent a lifetime creating. take good care of yourself. Eat well, sleep, and exercise. Learning of the illness and your own shortcomings, could go a long ways. You will be fine if you lean towards a healthier way. It appears you are doing this.

When things were going good it just seems she sabotaged the whole thing.

This would be a characteristic. She believes she could never live up to your expectations. Leave before you leave her. It is the disorder.

I just feel incredibly guilty as I pulled away and it felt like I was ignoring her instead of tackling the issues head on.

This sounds like FOG fear, obligation, guilt,

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Felt like I was playing those crappy push pull games inadvertently myself.


You were. This is a prerequisite for these r/s. The only way not to, is to not play.

as I’ve been telling her that it feels like I’ve gone against my core values of being authentic and loving.

Sounds like more fog. How have you gone against your values?

whereas my partner seemed to be emotionally dysregulated and that with love/relationships, there’s no such thing as breaks and to now enforce boundaries in the future

I was married for 12-13 years with person of BPD traits and had 2 children with her. My boundaries were to not communicate unless my childrens health were at risk. My children never had any health issues, and are now adults. i believe this would constitute this a break, We havent spoken in 8 years. Do you see something different? There appears to be such a thing, no?

And yes she speaks about my family dynamics and how they’re doing and how I’m doing with them.

This is where all the answers are. I wish you well, Peace

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exBPD2020

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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2020, 09:44:36 PM »

I know my mistakes and what caused the downfall of my relationship. She just couldn't see past it anymore. I feel like I withdrew out of fear and anger; I fought so much against a break and it wasn't going anywhere so I gave her her space. But it just seemed like I was pulling back to let her miss me a bit, and that just feels so incredibly toxic and very out of character for me. I waited a bit more to reply, was a bit more distant, I didn't know what on earth I was doing. All I know, it was the wrong thing.

I wish I was just more upfront and not played into it.

Many people have told me that I was emotionally manipulated (love bombed, as well as push pulled). But I can't see past my transgressions and its hurting me. Im scared I hurt her, when I told her I wasn't going to be running away from any issues, and it feels like I did exactly that.

But she moved on like I was nothing; all the I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, youre the love of my life, I can't believe/im so happy I met you. All gone. And I know she's telling the new guy the same thing.

I feel like I went against my values of being open, communicative, and honest, because as much as I wanted to be with her and express my concerns and feelings, I did anything but that, and acted distant, indifferent, and aloof. I ignored my partner, instead of asking her what constituted a break in her eyes.

I live with a loving and supportive family so im incredibly thankful for that.
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2020, 10:01:51 PM »

Your story on how things went once you went on a break is almost precisely how mine went.

Mine was officially diagnosed with BPD just before we stopped talking. So I would say it's highly likely yours had BPD.
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« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2020, 01:39:00 AM »

theres a lot i can relate to in your story, exbpd2020, from your exes personality style, to the way i coped with things, and the regrets i had when she left me for someone else.

i remember the anxiety and depression can be a real  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). id wake up, and within about thirty minutes, id have an anxiety attack that could last for up to eight hours, there were crying jags, it was exhausting.

i wanted to recommend a couple of things that really helped give me the space to grieve. i read about adjustment disorder too, and i gave passion flower a try (it is used as a treatment). it stopped my anxiety attacks cold, and pretty quickly, i stopped having them. additionally, there was sam-e, which is sort of a natural anti depressant, and really cut down on my ruminating and made everything feel "smaller" in my mind, at a time where i was desperate.

Excerpt
But she moved on like I was nothing; all the I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, youre the love of my life, I can't believe/im so happy I met you. All gone. And I know she's telling the new guy the same thing.

this is the real rub.

it seems strange that having someone idealize you would be kind of off putting, and then you drop your guard, and then they leave, and it feels like that person has rejected you to your very core.

and its stranger still - you suspect shes saying the same things to the new guy, and on one level, you feel comforted because its all a lot of nice words, and on the other, it feeds into that sense of rejection - you wonder if you were special or significant at all.

you were. i remind myself sometimes, all of my exes were special to me, and i probably told each of them that they were the most beautiful girl in the world, or some variation, and that is obviously not a belief i still hold today. people with bpd traits over emote, and speak in over the top ways, they get ahead of themselves, and they are caught up in the moment. it doesnt mean she didnt feel strongly toward you.

but you may wonder, if she did, where did that go?

and the answer is complicated. we see and hear the over emoting, the over the top expressions. we arent aware necessarily of all of whats boiling underneath, the doubts, the feelings of inadequacy, the resentments, the fears, the unspoken expectations.

i want you to know that all of this will make sense in time. you will let go of the words. you will let go of your transgressions. you will also learn from them. this wont haunt you forever - your psyche just wants to make sense of it all, and it will.
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exBPD2020

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 9


« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2020, 02:57:20 AM »

Your story on how things went once you went on a break is almost precisely how mine went.

Mine was officially diagnosed with BPD just before we stopped talking. So I would say it's highly likely yours had BPD.

I really dont understand how it feels like a lot of people go through the same things. If you dont mind me asking, how long was your relationship, was this your first time having a break with her, and have you had any attempts at communication from her part?
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exBPD2020

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« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2020, 03:04:17 AM »

theres a lot i can relate to in your story, exbpd2020, from your exes personality style, to the way i coped with things, and the regrets i had when she left me for someone else.


I'm having huge pangs of regret, being pulled into, or even feeling like I contributed more to the push pull games she started off with. I have always aimed to be genuine to those around me, and to the one that I loved, I played games with. I can't justify my behaviour, but when she tells me not to wait for her and not to feel like im in limbo, to then act like everything was ok makes no sense to me. I can't see anything logical about the entire ordeal at all - you want a break, yet you want to be with me? Was it just a test to see if I would stick around? Testing my love?

I keep wondering if things could've been different, and wanted to hold onto how special those first 3-4 months were - I have never felt so alive, loved, and confident in my entire life. Unhealthy ruminating thoughts.

I feel like I contributed heavily to her fear of abandonment by acting very distant but I honestly didn't know what I was doing. She had enough and she was out. There were posts I saw on social media that I think were about me (ones I saw that was far too late) about not being thought about and being ignored and I feel so bloody guilty its insane.

Now I dont know if I have dodged a bullet, or if I have missed out on something. Hell, I dont even know if what I went through was a healthy relationship at all (as in the initial love bombing stage), or if I was manipulated hook, line, and sinker. 
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2020, 03:09:17 AM »

We dated three years. We lived together.

We took a break in Dec 2019. She was meant to go to her friends to work a little on herself for a week. She came back a week later and told me all she did was get drunk and high. I told her to go back and do it properly. She didn't. I broke up with her late Dec. She agreed. An hour later she messaged saying "this doesn't feel right" and that she wants until the end of Jan to work on it and try to get better and come back. I didn't care that she wasn't better, I just wanted my girlfriend to actually be in the relationship and stop being so distant. She became flakey and wouldn't reply to my messages. We met up in Jan and she had all these demands. This told me that her being away from me wasn't about working on herself at all and that she was lying.

Then she told me that she didn't feel anything when we kissed or had sex. That she wanted to have more guy friends, especially one at work who people said she had chemistry with (she cheated on me in June 2019, so these words highlighted how unreasonable she is).

I slept with someone in Feb. She found out and lost it. We weren't officially together, so I was apologetic but she was the one who had left and showed no sign of coming back, while containing to attack my self esteem, so I didn't care how it made her feel.

I tried to go NC (while still wanting to be with her because I loved her, but I felt in danger of emotional manipulation) and she contacted me twice to break it. One time she arrived at my house uninvited, the other she contacted me through GOOGLE PHOTOS! because I had blocked her everywhere else. She had no reason to contact me, she just didn't like the idea of not being able to.

Anyway, in March I basically begged for her back. She told me that I didn't do what she wanted and it was too late, as well as blaming me for every issue she had. I told her to PLEASE READ off.

A few weeks later she was dating the man she cheated on me with - the one she told me she cut off all contact with and who meant nothing. In hindsight, I can see that from Dec - March she was hanging with him and comparing him to me and trying to make a decision of who to be with.

A disgusting human being for whom I have no respect. BPD is a mental illness, yes, but sometimes they are simply bad people.
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« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2020, 03:39:35 AM »

Excerpt
when she tells me not to wait for her and not to feel like im in limbo, to then act like everything was ok makes no sense to me. I can't see anything logical about the entire ordeal at all - you want a break, yet you want to be with me? Was it just a test to see if I would stick around? Testing my love?

these are things people say when they are in the process of a breakup but feeling conflicted about it. it often hurts and confuses the recipient.

Excerpt
I keep wondering if things could've been different,

i wanted out, on and off, for the nearly three years we were together.

when she dumped me and left me for someone else, and when i was reduced to a total basket case, loved ones, very, very gently, hinted to me "you emotionally abandoned her and neglected her, and we warned you. what did you expect?"

those werent the words of my loved ones. they were words of my own when i was further down the road and a bit more detached. they were true, for me, but they were also a little bit of "chicken and egg". my pulling away was one of the last straws in the, at least, one year, that the writing was on the wall.

our relationship was the best of times and worst of times. pulling away was my go to coping mechanism...i rarely utilized what would be described as healthy coping mechanisms.

is pulling away the best strategy for dealing with a difficult relationship? no. did it emotionally destroy her, was it the straw that broke the camels back, was it as simple as if you hadnt done that, that youd be together and live happily every after? probably not. there were reasons that you broke up, that arent about who is at fault, and are more about the fact that the two of you ultimately were not the fit that you seemed.

Excerpt
I keep wondering if things could've been different, and wanted to hold onto how special those first 3-4 months were - I have never felt so alive, loved, and confident in my entire life. Unhealthy ruminating thoughts.

i know what you mean, to feel so alive, loved, and confident. and when the source of that seems to suddenly act as if you dont exist, youve probably never felt less alive, loved, or confident in your entire life.

thats the struggle youre facing right now, to some extent. when we feel that low, we pine for what made us feel that high. im 33, and i often feel that way about the latter days of high school, when i felt like i was king. its not unhealthy, necessarily, but just as a thought check, those 3-4 months are the honeymoon period of a relationship, and like my days as king in high school, they werent going to reflect the rest of your relationship. its a bit like chasing a dragon.

i know that this is breaking your heart, but youre going to be okay. you have a good head on your shoulders. this will all add up eventually, but in my experience, its like, right now, any insight you have that will serve you later, mostly just feels like beating yourself up. work the detachment process in its proper steps. grieve.
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exBPD2020

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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2020, 03:54:36 AM »

is pulling away the best strategy for dealing with a difficult relationship? no. did it emotionally destroy her, was it the straw that broke the camels back, was it as simple as if you hadnt done that, that youd be together and live happily every after? probably not. there were reasons that you broke up, that arent about who is at fault, and are more about the fact that the two of you ultimately were not the fit that you seemed.

The worst part about it all, was that she was the one that pushed for the two of us. She made the first move, gave me her number. Told me she was going to marry me and she has found the man she has been looking for for so long. Everything felt right. We had the same interests, same goals and aspirations, same everything (people have told me mirroring). Then bang. did a 180.

She would ask me if we were ok if we didn't text as often due to being busy. She would ask if we were ok if there was an inconvenience. It's just strange. We met at work, and because she she was leaving, she would tell me/ask me if we would still be together when she left work. People, and my therapist, have told me these signs would be her fear of abandonment kicking in.

When she did call me during the break, that giddiness she showed at the start of the relationship was there. I just never moved forward and kept pulling away, thinking that since she initiated the break, she would be the one to put the foot forward and let me know when she was ready. I didn't want to pressure her. But at the same time, I acted like I didn't care. Whether or not that would've made a difference, who knows. I just would've felt decent knowing that if I did put my best foot forward, and she still didn't want me, then that would be ok. Now I feel guilty and resent myself for it.

I fought hard to stop the break but nope she didn't want it. She made me out to be the villain at the end of the day, saying I should've fought more for her, that I made communication on my terms, and to some extent I believe that (people have mentioned something about a FOG in other boards and forums). I did want to see her to talk things through but she never made the time, which made me pull back again, maybe subconsciously preparing for a break up.

Her sister in particular was so confused about the break up - her mother loved me. Just bloody sucks.

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