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Author Topic: Learning after a breakup - true self and inner child work  (Read 2365 times)
dindin
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« Reply #60 on: September 07, 2020, 03:56:43 AM »

You mention empathy. Do you feel like you received throughout the relationship? Did you feel like it was given to you when the relationship ended?

Thanks guys for your responses.

FindingMe2011, what you wrote is spot on. I'll try to let that sink in deeper.

JNChell , True empathy? Now that I think about it, I don't think so. I thought I did experience it, but it was more like devouring the aspects of the other than taking on board the differences or just sharing the experience of life. There were bits and pieces of true connection, but I remember some major things about myself, and how I was feeling - that I shared in hopes of being at least seen as autonomous - that were heard but never, I don't know how to say it, respected? And often even used against me later on, like literally in verbal abuse or information pieces during triangulation with friends. And to be honest, I was guilty of that as well, I internalised her feeling-states too much, as oposed just being with them, you know? Which I just now recognise was unhealthy.

I very often was left with the complete lack of freedom even in extremely minute aspects of life. Like buying my own clothes, or wanting to spend time reading. That was always questioned. I mean, the minimal amount of empathy would be a person understanding that someone might like a different style of clothes? Right? And even when she said she did understand, I wouldn't have to fight tooth and nail for the privilage of having the freedom to read or do my own thing from time to time?

And during the break-up, defenitely no. There wasn't even a game of devouring the other, it was just a complete discard.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2020, 04:08:55 AM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #61 on: September 07, 2020, 05:26:25 AM »

True empathy? Now that I think about it, I don't think so. I thought I did experience it, but it was more like devouring the aspects of the other than taking on board the differences or just sharing the experience of life. There were bits and pieces of true connection,

This is a staple of the narc/borderline r/s. She needed you to complete her. You were attracted to her, you subsumed her. She mimicked this back to you( a ploy developed through trial and error for her. This has been shut off for her. She cant actually go there, its death. The true connection feeling is her trying to deal with intimacy issues, just as you are. This helps you to some degree, it just spikes her abandonment fears. Leaving you to say what the hell, I thought we were getting some where. She is just looking for a safe spot. There are none. The dance continues.

, but I remember some major things about myself, and how I was feeling - that I shared in hopes of being at least seen as autonomous - that were heard but never, I don't know how to say it, respected?

This was impossible. BPD cant individuate, they need to enmesh in order to survive. I could only imagine the fear this would stoke in the illness.

And often even used against me later on, like literally in verbal abuse or information pieces during triangulation with friends. And to be honest, I was guilty of that as well,

You probably didnt want to go there, but you had to, for this dance to continue. Its the easier path. Info is used for weapons in the heat of battle, its survival. Not many rules to war.

I internalised her feeling-states too much, as oposed just being with them, you know? Which I just now recognise was unhealthy.

You were doing this way before this r/s, it just continued the dynamic. You dont like it, but you damn sure know how to survive in it. Its a comfort zone, so to speak. Good for you to recognize, now you have at least a chance of fixing/curbing.

I very often was left with the complete lack of freedom even in extremely minute aspects of life. Like buying my own clothes, or wanting to spend time reading. That was always questioned.

These are all threats to BPD, much like another woman would be.

And during the break-up, defenitely no. There wasn't even a game of devouring the other, it was just a complete discard.

You were trying to be noble and create a future, the best you could. She was facing death. The illness dictates the discard. Keep reading and re-reading. At times of not being able to retain info, take a break, get some exercise, do something for a complete stranger, eat well. Learn how to genuinely take care of you. It will feel funny at first, but in time you will get comfortable with this. It works. I wish you well, Peace





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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #62 on: September 07, 2020, 05:55:39 AM »

Hey Dindin. If you feel such a strong need for other peoples attention and validation, and you put yourself in rescuing/abusive situations, and you obsess and distract yourself a lot, then you need to focus on loving and validating yourself, relaxing more often and getting in touch with your feelings.

What has helped me do this is to try to give myself compliments (realistic compliments, not egotistical ones)
Egotistical compliments are ones that require you to compare yourself to others to feel good, or that overly inflate things about yourself. Realistic compliments are ones that don't need comparing, such as "I am a good cook" instead of "I am the best cook in the house". "I think my face looks handsome" instead of "I'm a 8, I'm much more attractive than most men". Compliments give self esteem, the other one feeds the ego, which is never satisfied.

Also, try to recognize your accomplishments, even if small and pat yourself on the back for them often. Talk kindly to yourself, have mercy on yourself, give yourself acceptance, your emotions acceptance, use kind words towards yourself, tell yourself "I love you".

Relaxing can just be taking things slower, or sitting in nature, or meditating, or having quiet time before bed, if you slow down you will get in touch with your emotions more.

And what do you do with those emotions? Well, some of them you can act on, but if it's a lot of difficult emotions I find journaling invaluable. It expels a lot of emotional energy and helps my thought process evolve. Also, if it's too intense, especially with anger or something I find punching my pillow or screaming into, or walking back and forth are all great tools.

I used to be in the same place as you, I'd stay busy constantly and was obsessed with impressing others, and rescued people too much, and had low self esteem.

Also, in Buddhism there is no self. But I think a more accurate thing to say is that we are evolving people and our self isn't static, so we can't pin it down. But on a more practical level, you can focus on certain traits of yourself and try to appreciate and grow them and define yourself more how you want to instead of just looking at your jumble of traits and thinking your stuck like that, you're not. Although it may be useful to revisit the past and reconnect to certain things from the past, and move beyond unresolved issues.

Anyways, good luck, hope this helps.

« Last Edit: September 07, 2020, 06:04:06 AM by BuildingFromScratch » Logged
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« Reply #63 on: September 07, 2020, 06:02:42 AM »

I very often was left with the complete lack of freedom even in extremely minute aspects of life. Like buying my own clothes, or wanting to spend time reading. That was always questioned.

These are all threats to BPD, much like another woman would be.

Could you expand on this? Because quite literally my struggles to be autonomous with these minute aspects of life were construed to be signs of cheating! Maybe she could read me more than I thought. Because at the end of the relationship I came to the conclusion that the energy we spent was tangled the wrong way, so to speak. Instead of autonomy being the default state and interest, understanding and love being other-directed, we were enmeshed, and had to spend energy to be autonomous. Which I came to resent, and not as a blow to the relationship I understood completely that it was the right thing to do, even for the relationship, to change that. And that was my ultimate sin in her eyes. That's why I was so dumbfounded, when the allegations of cheating came. I thought we were doing ok, I felt closer than ever, despite some tension and akwardness to disentangle. I thoght it was a good thing for us, for me, and for her.

Because even in my previous relationship, with a much more balanced person, I understood, maybe too little, but emotionally it was there, that I was codependent. And I completely owned the responsibility for that misadaptation. I knew deep down that allowing the other person to do their own thing is good. Of course, it was a train-wreck, I wasn't able to do it right, I was too deep in the suffering caused by that fear. But not in a million years would I come to the conclusion that they were inherently selfish for wanting it, and to blame them for my suffering. I failed, but I didn't put the blame on them for it.
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dindin
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« Reply #64 on: September 07, 2020, 06:05:43 AM »

Hey Dindin. If you feel such a strong need for other peoples attention and validation, and you put yourself in rescuing/abusive situations, and you obsess and distract yourself a lot, then you need to focus on loving and validating yourself, relaxing more often and getting in touch with your feelings.

What has helped me do this is to try to give myself compliments (realistic compliments, not egotistical ones)
Egotistical compliments are ones that require you to compare yourself to others to feel good, or that overly inflate things about yourself. Realistic compliments are ones that don't need comparing, such as "I am a good cook" instead of "I am the best cook in the house". "I think my face looks handsome" instead of "I'm a 8, I'm much more attractive than most men". Compliments give self esteem, the other one feeds the ego, which is never satisfied.

Also, try to recognize your accomplishments, even if small and pat yourself on the back for them often. Talk kindly to yourself, have mercy on yourself, give yourself acceptance, your emotions acceptance, tell yourself "I love you".

Relaxing can just be taking things slower, or sitting in nature, or meditating, or having quiet time before bed, if you slow down you will get in touch with your emotions more.

And what do you do with those emotions? Well, some of them you can act on, but if it's a lot of difficult emotions I find journaling invaluable. It expels a lot of emotional energy and helps my thought process evolve. Also, if it's too intense, especially with anger or something I find punching my pillow or screaming into, or walking back and forth are all great tools.

I used to be in the same place as you, I'd stay busy constantly and was obsessed with impressing others, and rescued people too much, and had low self esteem.

Also, in Buddhism there is no self. But I think a more accurate thing to say is that we are evolving people and our self isn't static, so we can't pin it down. But on a more practical level, you can focus on certain traits of yourself and try to appreciate and grow them and define yourself more how you want to instead of just looking at your jumble of traits and thinking your stuck like that, you're not. Although it may be useful to revisit the past and reconnect to certain things from the past, and move beyond unresolved issues.

Anyways, good luck, hope this helps.

Thanks for your answer. It is spot on. I try to revisit stuff from my childhood but it's extremely hard. But I must admit I was completely cut off from those emotions, and at least now they get heard a little.

But I am also stuck in internalising my exBPD accusations of being maliciouslly, irreperably narcissistic. I cannot shake it off. If I feel good, or wanting to treat myself, or  am proud of anything, I automatically revert to the feeling of shame for wanting something. Like it's inherently evil that I take pride in something I do. It's like I internalized so much of "you are so selfish" from my parents and exBPD, that I cannot distinguish between my true, maladaptive narcissistic tendencies, from healthy pride and self-preservation. It's really difficult. I almost cut myself off from friends because I got it in my head that me wanting friends is just an outlet for narcissistic supply...
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« Reply #65 on: September 07, 2020, 06:11:44 AM »

Yeah, I mean it will take a while to shake those things that the BPDex put into your head, it took me a long time. But make sure to counter those thoughts with "No it is okay to feel a sense of accomplishment".

As for narcissism don't view it as something inherently evil, it's a compensation for a lack of self worth. If you don't feel adequate with who you are (however flawed and imperfect that is), then you need to compensate by inflating your ego. So giving yourself compliments and pats on the back will actually reduce your narcissism, not increase it, as long as you do it in the right way.
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« Reply #66 on: September 07, 2020, 09:05:04 AM »

Thanks for you support.

Just saw a new therapist. What I got out of the first session is that I let other people and what's worse, myself, stick a finger in my face and tell me I'm a piece of ****. She seemed to suggest that the negativity with which I treat myself is extreme. I think I really could have taken up the persona of a cruel, judgmental parent, espcially towards myself.

That I even use the idea of narcissism to go hard on myself, instead of a good thing to build myself up and fix problems. She asked me to think about how others, especially my parents and exBPD, treated me in the past. I cried a little there, and then like a little girl when I got outside. In all my years in therapy I never cried.

She asked me how I felt. I really felt like a little kid who accepted others who hurt me ca go **** themselves and eat a ****. Sorry for the language, that is literally what I felt ;)
« Last Edit: September 07, 2020, 09:13:08 AM by dindin » Logged
FindingMe2011
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« Reply #67 on: September 07, 2020, 09:39:53 AM »

Could you expand on this? Because quite literally my struggles to be autonomous with these minute aspects of life were construed to be signs of cheating!

This is how the illness processes perceived threats...Perception is real to the one perceiving...Its the illness and you dont fully understand(dont want to) nor do you respect it. This will be required. If not you will most likely end up here again.

we were enmeshed, and had to spend energy to be autonomous.

She was enmeshed and is where she needed to be. You on the other hand were trying to grow. There is no autonomous with BPD.

I thoght it was a good thing for us, for me, and for her.

Me too and actually a few times. So beating yourself up for doing the best you could appears self defeating. When these thoughts arrive, give good ones the same space. Equal time, this would be fair to you, no? It takes practice and you will start to catch yourself, when other times you could never see this. This would be progress, just as you are making now. I had similar things said to me. My reply. " This isnt the answer I was looking for doc, dont you have a pill or something to make this go away yesterday?" He said unfortunately this is the only healthy way...Im glad he said this later. It didnt help so much at the time. It did tell me I was traveling the right way, so I gathered some faith in myself and slugged through the mud some more.

I knew deep down that allowing the other person to do their own thing is good. Of course, it was a train-wreck, I wasn't able to do it right, I was too deep in the suffering caused by that fear. But not in a million years would I come to the conclusion that they were inherently selfish for wanting it, and to blame them for my suffering. I failed, but I didn't put the blame on them for it.

This isnt a failure. This is a wealth of knowledge and very good insight. Trust your instincts a little more, they are good...not so sure of the inherently selfish part, but the rest is spot on for me. Maybe Im missing something...Learning isnt failing. This is tiring, I remember.

and at least now they get heard a little.

This could be the start of an avalanche so to speak, but a good one. Allow the emotions to flow. Name them if you can. There were times I couldnt name them. it was just that fog I had hanging over me, for what seemed like forever. Your work is paying off, remain as patient as you can,

She asked me to think about how others, especially my parents and exBPD, treated me in the past. I cried a little there, and then like a little girl when I got outside. In all my years in therapy I never cried. I was angry they did this to me. And I was angry at myself I let it happen all again.

Anger is never a stand alone emotion. Its there to protect you from the pain behind it. Touching this pain (like your doing now) will allow you to put things to rest. Hopefully soon you will be able to bathe in them. This is the cure and as long as suicide doesnt have a say. Its just what the doctor ordered. Seems you have a better T. Good for you. I wish you well Peace





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« Reply #68 on: September 07, 2020, 09:48:44 AM »

Hi dindin. Just be open minded and when it comes to our thoughts at these emotional times, we "talk" to ourselves in life more than we speak to anyone else, why make them self hurtful one's?

Going back to childhood it is very easy to take criticism and derogatory comments to heart, not yet developed to discern how accurate they are.

Your ex threw some comments around, is she a consultant psychiatrist? It resonated as an echo from childhood, id ask the same question, were your parents?

Triggers are just triggers. It is id call retraumatising. Be the mature one to rise above it. Seek the advice of someone skilled if it bothers you enough. An hour with a psychiatrist going over the last 6 months of your life would let you have a clear answer.

If I suspected I had a terminal illness id ask a qualified person, not my bpd ex or doctor google.

You are not the only human who will never "fully understand" who - you - are let alone anyone else. The ego causes this.

If you choose to go back to her can we get some honesty about what the connection is. Desires are powerful push factors, you mentioned drug use, same reward pathways. It sounds like you might be facing cravings for not her but how she made you feel, if that makes sense, just my take on it.
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« Reply #69 on: September 07, 2020, 11:24:59 AM »

If you choose to go back to her can we get some honesty about what the connection is. Desires are powerful push factors, you mentioned drug use, same reward pathways. It sounds like you might be facing cravings for not her but how she made you feel, if that makes sense, just my take on it.

Thanks for your kind words. I was thinking a bit about the last question. And there is no doubt in my mind that big factor of what I miss about the r/s, is me not being alone. Just plain companionship. Someone to talk to at the end of the day. I have friends and all, but it's not the same. I really, really enjoy having that special someone to tell how my day went, etc.

And there is also the deeply personal stuff. How caring she were. The little gifts, the dates. The relationship with her family. Plans for future... But I guess reality was that it was only good, when she was happy. When she wasn't, she destroyed these plans and shoved them down my throat, almost mocking me for having them. I remember one instance, when it was 3 months of talking about starting a family in the future, and the next day an akward conversation, where she told me: if I had a baby with you, what do you think about an abortion, I think I'd have one. Just like that. No letting me down gently and empathetically if she really changed her mind. It was 180 degrees. Kids (You'd be amazing as a dad) -> I'd have an abortion (That would be a life devastating mistake). Brutal stuff...

I understand changing one's mind about stuff like that. But going 180, from one day to another, and not thinking through what it means to another person, to whom you told you'd make a great dad, to telling them you'd rather have an abortion... It was one of the hardest, most devastating things I ever experienced. But now I know they really think with their emotions. And in reality there was no real plan for a future together. But at the time, a bit of me really died.

Sorry I'm reminiscing about this, but T told me to always remember both the good and bad.

When she wasn't happy, it could have been abuse, it could have been another tantrum. It could have been another "demand", or a criticism that I am angry when she mistreats me. My T asked me what was the feeling when I got home when she was feeling low or mid-bpd-spell. It was familiar. I remember the exact feeling of anticipation I had when my dad came home from work. 50% he's gonna be angry and smash something in my room, or 50% he's gonna be a loving dad and we're gonna play football.

There's also the black and white thinking that I have that I might not find someone as caring, interesting or good looking. But I know that is just post break-up depression and low self esteem, but it's there, can't deny it.

So to sum up, I guess it was some good, and rest was trauma-inducing, crazy-making  instability, eerily familiar from my childhood, with my low self esteem tolarating the bad, erasing it, thinking I can't do better. Add to that my deep craving for connection and belonging. And that's what you get ;)
« Last Edit: September 07, 2020, 11:38:05 AM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #70 on: September 07, 2020, 12:19:31 PM »

No problem Dindin.

I mean I used to be super hard on myself and treat myself like crap, and my relationship with my ex-girlfriend amplified that times 1000. You have those punitive parent tapes in your head, you need to start replacing them with kind tapes in your head, it takes practice and time, but you can do it. I did it, I went from viewing myself as a worthless piece of crap failture to a good guy, who is skilled in various things and tries to help when he can.
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« Reply #71 on: September 08, 2020, 08:10:02 AM »

Thanks for your kind words. I was thinking a bit about the last question. And there is no doubt in my mind that big factor of what I miss about the r/s, is me not being alone. Just plain companionship. Someone to talk to at the end of the day. I have friends and all, but it's not the same. I really, really enjoy having that special someone to tell how my day went, etc.

So to sum up, I guess it was some good, and rest was trauma-inducing, crazy-making  instability, eerily familiar from my childhood, with my low self esteem tolarating the bad, erasing it, thinking I can't do better. Add to that my deep craving for connection and belonging. And that's what you get ;)

Attractiveness and looks fade over time.

maybe you cant do better and thats ok?
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« Reply #72 on: September 08, 2020, 12:13:18 PM »

Attractiveness and looks fade over time.

maybe you cant do better and thats ok?

Oh, when it comes to attractiveness I know. I don't care as long as someone is attractive to me for there to be at least some sexual chemistry, I don't go chasing super models or anything like that. I was talking more about the "connection" and "caring" nature, for whatever reason this is something that I am extremely attracted to. I petrified that I won't find someone to click with, to have that spark. Humour, spontaneity, and the feeling childlike wonder are a big big thing for me, conversations, the feeling of conectedness, etc. (Although I understand BPD could have been mirroring that need in me to an extent). I miss all that.

This could be the start of an avalanche so to speak, but a good one.

Oh it did start. Don't know what caused it, but since the breakup, therapy, etc I am almost always on the verge of crying, but not in a depressed way nowadays. Just stuff comes to me, can't explain it. Mostly bottled up feelings from childhood. True sadness. I started noticing how negative I am towards myself, hanging on every little bit of negative opinion about myself. And I've been noticing it almost every second of every day. If this has been going on in the background before, it's no wonder I was so anxious all the time.

I don't know how to handle these emotions, it just seems to me that the key to all this is, and sorry for sounding too emo, is love. Love for myself. The idea of love that I had in my life just wasn't love. I read a bit about a trauma bond, and it seems to be describing my r/s and  childhood cravings more than this almost spiritual outpouring that I now feel. Hard to describe. And it's agony to be going through this.

Also I think that if someone saw me nowadays and heard my internal monologue, they'd think I'm schizofrenic. It's basically this: doing a bit of every day life, then registering maladaptive or just hateful thoughts that I have inside, and then negotiations with myself to maybe not be such a **** and not make other people responsible to deal with this need, they aren't objects - which is easier said than done, I feel like I am battling monsters. And when these obviously don't work, I am forced to visualise myself as a little kid and just trying to cheer that fella up. I'm going crazy.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2020, 12:26:39 PM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #73 on: September 08, 2020, 01:36:57 PM »

it sounds like depressive symptoms to me dindin.

are you getting help for this, it can make a huge difference to quieting down the inner chatter.
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« Reply #74 on: September 08, 2020, 02:05:32 PM »

It’s hard to stay “comfortably” in a relationship when it’s evident that empathy is lacking or not there. Most of us here do anyway because we’re fixers. I don’t think that’s a bad trait if it’s bounced off of a person that can reciprocate. I think it’s safe to say that your partner couldn’t reciprocate.

More times than not, feelings and behaviors of a relationship can really rub off on us. Enmeshment. No space, no individuality and ultimately, isolation. Not sure if it went that way for you. I’m projecting. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

You brought someone close to you and that person should’ve had the decency to respect you. As it is, it sounds like more is coming out, which is good.

Childhood my friend. Come to the “Childhood” board. I float all over this forum like an annoying fly. I started out here over the final implosion of S5’s mom and myself. Ended up on PSI. You’ve said it yourself. Childhood. Hope to see you there.

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« Reply #75 on: September 08, 2020, 09:10:11 PM »

I petrified that I won't find someone to click with, to have that spark. Humour, spontaneity, and the feeling childlike wonder are a big big thing for me, conversations, the feeling of conectedness, etc. (Although I understand BPD could have been mirroring that need in me to an extent). I miss all that.

You have just expressed me, to some degree. Im still spontaneous, feel younger, talk to all I come in contact with, mostly asking questions... I have learned to accept what individuals have to offer and enjoy this. As I meet new people Im finding that I still have an attraction to somewhat crazy. At least now I know what Im getting in to and I believe I will find the right crazy for me, one day. ...You will retain all of this and gain much more. If done correctly you wont have missed anything. You will just realize you needed this in order to get where you WANTED to be.

Oh it did start. Don't know what caused it, but since the breakup, therapy, etc I am almost always on the verge of crying, but not in a depressed way nowadays.

A lifetime of sucking it up has caused it. Youre actually getting acquainted with your emotions. What you are doing is working. Good for you, as this was liberating for me. Youre going to bounce all over the place still, expect this. At times of dis-regulation put names to your emotions...sad, happy, relieved, shame, guilt, depression, ect. I found I couldnt name depression, it was my normal to some degree. Roll in them, good and bad.  You are hearing you, it will feel different for a while. Its OK to cry. Listen to yourself, its OK. Understand yourself, its OK. Love yourself, its OK.

Just stuff comes to me, can't explain it. Mostly bottled up feelings from childhood. True sadness. I started noticing how negative I am towards myself, hanging on every little bit of negative opinion about myself. And I've been noticing it almost every second of every day. If this has been going on in the background before, it's no wonder I was so anxious all the time.

You would be amazed at what just comes to me now...Congrats this would be you, GENUINELY, being kind and forgiving to yourself. Nothing temporary about this compassion, keep it up it lasts a lifetime.

I don't know how to handle these emotions, it just seems to me that the key to all this is, and sorry for sounding too emo, is love. Love for myself.

LOL just as a narc would do...You dont handle them, allow them to flow and understand them. Dont apologize to me. APOLOGIZE TO YOURSELF, for not allowing you to love you, you always have deserved this. Its finally here.

The idea of love that I had in my life just wasn't love.

The idea I had, from as long as I can remember, was actually accomplished. i then looked around at everything and wondered why I wasnt happy. It was obviously a lie I had convinced myself of. I missed something.

Hard to describe. And it's agony to be going through this.

Youre trying to control something you dont understand, another crux...Learn to let go, its also liberating. The agony needs to be a "learning experience"

they'd think I'm schizofrenic.

Thats OK...This stuff will come out sideways at times. Regain wise mind and move on.

It's basically this: doing a bit of every day life, then registering maladaptive or just hateful thoughts that I have inside, and then negotiations with myself to maybe not be such a **** and not make other people responsible to deal with this need, they aren't objects - which is easier said than done, I feel like I am battling monsters. And when these obviously don't work,

Are these just thoughts or are there actions involved?...In some respects you are battling monsters, I guess. So are these monsters just ones you never recognized before?

I am forced to visualise myself as a little kid and just trying to cheer that fella up. I'm going crazy.

He doesnt need cheering. He needs understanding and compassion. As these start to come(as they are now) then cheer a little and get back to understanding. There is lots to understand. Your path appears liberating. I wish you well, Peace



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« Reply #76 on: September 09, 2020, 06:09:16 AM »

Thanks guys

JNChell: Yeah it is childhood. I'm willing to bet my dad is somewhere on the cluster B spectrum. Makes no difference to me which acronym, but I was definetly abused as a kid and as an adult, now that I think about it, it's the first time in my life that I am ready to accept it and take responsibility for any "fleas" or my own narc tendencies so this curse goes no further than me.

FindingMe2011: This craziness that is attractive to me, I know what you mean. I honestly didn't know that it was a dance that I participated in, a dynamic. It seemed things just happened to me, but now I see how much I added and prolonged the suffering. And I just cannot believe how ignorant and/or bad-willed I was in all this. Just yesterday I chatted with an old friend of mine who hit me up out of the blue, who herself has BPD, and whom, in the past, I found "weirdly charming".

Even talking about everyday stuff, I just cannot believe to what extent all this is scripted. We didn't talk in years, and right off the bat, in five minutes we talk like we spent every day together. Now I know what it is, she is just intense. I can see how enmeshed she is to everyone, that I could just as easily be a stand in for any of her r/s that she wasn't too shy to talk about - and what is scarier - that she could be a stand in for me if I didn't catch myself doing it! And how I feed on that intensity, like a bloody vampire. In the past, if this was a romantic interest, I would consider it a good vibe for the first date...

It's so weird how, in that brief encounter, she talked about her r/s, and why I felt compelled to listen to it, why was I even there listening, and somehow I projected myself onto it, and found myself with high "stakes" in the whole thing. With a virtual stranger...

I have no idea why this is so hypnotizing to me, be it a friend, be it a partner, be it a colleague, be it an idea, be it work... but at least I know I have to build a filter for these things and get a grip
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« Reply #77 on: September 09, 2020, 12:15:35 PM »

I have no idea why this is so hypnotizing to me, be it a friend, be it a partner, be it a colleague, be it an idea, be it work... but at least I know I have to build a filter for these things and get a grip

its attention and we thrive on the pedestal. Looking for something our parents didnt give us, understanding...You cant fix something if you dont know its broke. Kind and forgiving to you...Dont obsess on changing too much. You cant and most of you is a good core. Your words say this. Just make sure youre not doing things for a selfish intention. The rest will take care of itself.

Just yesterday I chatted with an old friend of mine who hit me up out of the blue, who herself has BPD, and whom, in the past, I found "weirdly charming".

I have had a few past and present, i suspect with BPD traits. Its been interesting to have conversation on the dynamics with them. Some seem to get it and try. Others only seem to be able to, get so far and draw a line. Their choice.
 I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #78 on: September 15, 2020, 09:48:08 PM »

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