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Author Topic: Something I missed and should have remembered  (Read 382 times)
BlueSpring
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« on: October 04, 2020, 08:47:52 AM »

Admittedly, I've been feeling really bad lately.  My ex has is involved with a Narcissist, who's acting like a classic Narcissist.  For him, it's about winning the prize, and after he wins her, he'll neglect her.  I know that because it's already happened, and that's how I got dragged back in. 

Here's what happened.  He got comfortable practically living with her.  He keeps his own place, but he spends all of his time at her house.  But as soon as he felt confident that he had her, he stopped calling as every day at lunchtime.  This triggered my ex, and she had a screaming fight with him, then she called me and told me how much she missed me, and I fell for it. 

I found their sappy messages on her phone, and determined that they are more that just "friends with benefits" as she describes it.   My mind raced through devious means of revenge, and I came up with some good ideas, but then I remember what a friend once told me.  She said, "Remember how she treated you.  All lies and violence.  She got a hold of your phone and pretended to be you and sent out all kinds of obscene messages to all of your friends.  Zero love."

And here's what I should have known all along.  It's from my Christian faith.  You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate the wisdom.  I'll share it here:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

My relationship with my ex had none of these qualities.  I don't think the mental illness allows the person suffering from it to be mature enough to love this way. I hope posting this helps someone else get a little clarity.  Being with her was like being with a two year old who was constantly having a tantrum.  And a Narcissist is just as incapable of love.  She and the Narcissist are not in a love relationship.  They'll destroy each other. 
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JNChell
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« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2020, 12:09:47 PM »

You make very valid points. It’s nice to know that you have a friend in your corner that gave you good advice. Revenge in the head is one thing. Acting it out, not so good. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a good old boy with good old boy friends, with good old boy values and virtues. Something like this does not constitute any vengeance. Let it go.

How are you feeling today?
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2020, 01:52:26 PM »

Hi JNChell,
I'm feeling better.  Thanks for asking.  I've realized that looking for revenge is very unhealthy, and the best revenge is living well anyway.  So, I'm letting go.  I still like the idea that she and the Narcissist will never find real happiness, and that he'll treat her exactly like her ex-husband did.  (He was a Narcissist as well)

Healing is slow and not always a straightforward path, but I'm getting there.  Today is a good day. 

Thanks,
Bluespring.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2020, 02:04:57 PM »

Good days are good days. Glad you’re having one.

You’re right, live good, eat spinach forget about it. Spinach is good. Roasted Red pepper vinagrette.

I’m on board with you. We want to see them fall. I can’t push against that.

You’re right. It’s not linear. It is what it is. Humor helps along the way.

Knock, knock...
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2020, 02:14:38 PM »

Good days are good days, and humor is great.  Good recipe for spinach.  I like spinach.

Knock knock...
Who's there?
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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2020, 02:18:10 PM »

Who?
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2020, 04:19:44 PM »

Hi,
I thought you were giving me a knock, knock joke because of what you said about humor.   
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JNChell
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« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2020, 06:24:38 PM »

Damn it. I was hoping for the same.. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2020, 07:22:52 PM »

Okay.  This is lame but I'll try it.  I hope no one gets offended

Knock Knock...
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JNChell
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« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2020, 07:23:44 PM »

Who’s there?
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2020, 07:41:32 PM »

She P D or He P D
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JNChell
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« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2020, 07:42:58 PM »

Lmao! Very good.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2020, 07:56:27 PM »

She PD
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2020, 07:59:27 PM »

She'd be P'd off if she knew I was better off without her.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2020, 03:47:15 PM »

Hi Bluespring.

Hi JNChell,
I'm feeling better.  Thanks for asking.  I've realized that looking for revenge is very unhealthy, and the best revenge is living well anyway.  So, I'm letting go.  I still like the idea that she and the Narcissist will never find real happiness, and that he'll treat her exactly like her ex-husband did.  (He was a Narcissist as well)

Healing is slow and not always a straightforward path, but I'm getting there.  Today is a good day. 

Thanks,
Bluespring.
Hey Bluespring

I found the revenge thoughts if allowed to accept them for what they are, incredibly therapeutic.

Unfortunate (for her, and the other guy) things both happened to each of them, I found out later, I predicted it, wished for it - then forgot about it, only to hear later.

if anything goes wrong, lets say their relationship falls apart. try to imagine - how you might feel. but in terms of "ok, they are both upset, both losers to some extent" - and......

what else?

pretty anti-climatic when it happens. the fantasy of revenge felt more helpful to me than when I found out in reality that her relationship fell apart and she was in disarray, the guy too.

I guess part of the "oh well" attitude is, I just expect it as something cyclical - she just finds a new guy to rinse and repeat, has a few weeks or months of deep depression and then goes back to her idealisation pattern.

the benefit of going no contact was not being - that guy - to get the phone calls, be used as the support counsellor and let her live in her own emotional bomb crater rather than drag me in with it.

so on that theme, who wants to start off and share their revenge fantasy in detail, and do I have to really be the first to do so? Smiling (click to insert in post)
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2020, 08:46:11 AM »

Hi,
I don't know if my thoughts of revenge are actually a fantasy because, from what I've read and experienced, failed relationships seem inevitable with BPD and NPD personalities. 

With my ex and her new NPD it seems like he's after her money and will do anything to get it.  He's nearing his retirement and realizes that he's been nothing but a ride operator at an amusement park for 30 years.  He has nothing to show for his life, so he, like a good NPD, he makes stuff up.  He's told her that he worked for NASA but found working in an amusement park "more fun," so he quit NASA to be a ride operator.  She never thought to ask him why he would give up a lucrative career to become an hourly employee at an amusement park, nor did she ask him why he would throw away a six figure salary, lucrative retirement package, and benefits all while he was supporting a family.  She failed to question him as to what he exactly did at NASA, so there's no information there at all.  All she did was scoop up his BS and feed his Narcissism. 

But for how long can that continue?  You can't lie forever; the truth is eventually revealed, and bad ideas always fail.  So I guess my revenge fantasy is a reality.  They will eventually wear each other down.  It might be a slow erosion of their egos, or it might explode one day.  If I had a fantasy, it would be having the police show up and drag one or both of them off to jail. 
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Cromwell
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« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2020, 03:53:57 PM »

Blurspring thanks for sharing, going no contact completely, is worse than being jailed.

Someone told me it is the worst thing for them, just is not so apparent to us. I believe that more now, and also the brief 2 week recontact i made.

Being in jail might not be bad for npd, if find supply from other prisoners. Plenty of pw bpd in jail. Isolation cell is the worst, for them, for any human.

Interesting when you used the term machine operator. In control of inanimate object, pusj buttons, pull levers.

My ex did not care about good guy bad guy, just control to keep them staying, whoever they are. Eventually guys of either variety have to put up with the challenging behaviour and decide to walk/run. I did. But I could have stayed and smacked her around the place, so long as i stayed.

When she feels the need to discard him, that's when it will be handy for her to use his lies against him, i agree with you about the eventual wear down.

If you had your fantasy come true today, how would it feel, think about it. How long would that feeling last.

Say they both jailed for life and screaming on the padded cell walls. Fantasy becomes reality.

Would it suffice? Would it solve? Would it be the end?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2020, 06:59:15 PM »

My ex could not live one second without attention. The walls would start to move inwards. Mentally. I had to work on average 40 hours a week. My fault.

Amongst eventually a catalogue of other failings, then when she was in desperate need of me, which i mistakenly chosen to equate as love, all those faults temporarily ceased to exist. Those for moments of being idealised bliss. I thought it was paradise, at first, until a pattern emerged and it plants a new idea that something not right.

At my moment of most needing a fantasy. From not just her cheating, wherever we went she became obsessed with anyone, a business owner, a waiter anyone. Passer by in the street.

So in midst of the no contact i fantasied. Id go through our town phone book start from A work as far as i can and make an appointment for her to make as many friends as possible, seeing as this was so important.

Same date, same time. She can meet ALL the tradesmen. ALL the double glazer salesmen, all the carpet free estimates, all parked at her door pressing the bell calling her name. I imagine the Street with whole town parked up the chaos every one watching what would happen. Too much crowed and shed open the door and more vans turn up from far away, miles to see Cromwells ex. Hopefully the fire service have to turn up for crowd control, news papers, hopefully the b@stard she cheated with is there too, I'd fantasise of booking it all in his name. Hopefully she freaks out at all the attention and directs her vile umbrage venom on them, cops get called. The whole place is one unprecedented disordered carnage and in this sad little town of no life's gets talked about forever.

Then I realised how its just a thought its a manifestation of my own hurt and not having a better way to cope. Its marred in some childishness, its not something I'd want fo6be real beyond a daydream. Yet, it helped to get through. And thee is a news chopper too and globally everyone knows what a cheating wh0re she is.

Back in reality, i just grieve and have slowly let out the poison here, to a more limited audience. In a controlled, therapeutic, understanding, functional, supportive setting.

I got plenty revenge during the relationship. I got plenty of hdr trying to makeup what she did.

It never sufficed and that's just me. Not a 'person' or a 'mask' ot role play a certain character 'nice' /bad whatever. ts  how i felt at that time..it gave me a bit of dopamine when i needed it.

Its just a thought just a fantasy. But i reflected enough not to like having it. I wanted something else. This relationship got too dark, behaviourally toxic and felt weird.

Id like to have seen her face though. Id show her crazy.

All those "bring your pets for sale" animals turning up at same time turn her front lawn into a zoo.
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B53

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« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2020, 11:08:03 PM »

Believe me, I understand the desire for revenge, but BPD is a disorder. As much as it seems like it is aimed at you, in reality, it has nothing to  do with you. These people live in constant emotional pain and are franticly looking for the perfect love (host), that will make there pain go away. Unfortunately each person only soothes their pain temporally. The idealization/devaluing is a continual pattern. It's horrible for everyone involved.

I think if I could hate my exBP I would be able to get over him sooner. It hard to hate someone who is not well and lives in their own personal hell.

Search articles on BPD, you might understand their behavior more.

All that being said, it still does give them the right to torture others and you have the right to protect and take care of yourself! 

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