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Author Topic: She often used the phrase ' I was brought up differently to you'  (Read 2283 times)
Andy1963
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« Reply #60 on: November 14, 2020, 01:10:07 PM »

I actually believe this engagement has helped me truly see how unwell she is
I have mentioned before that she did some things during our relationship which most would people think i was totally crazy to put up with.
But her sudden glitch last night after an amicable and calm exchange,  has reminded me of the many many times she would do that when we were often in a good place
Her manic episodes and bizarre reactions to small insignificant events often had me completely flummoxed.
Her inability to rationalize and see things from anything other than her skewed perspective was so difficult to deal with.
In glitch mode she absolutely could not be reasoned with.
Im a very calm and patient person, she used to say that she loved how patient I am, but no matter how calmly or rationally I tried to resolve things it was impossible when Martha( my name for her glitch mode) was in control
I had forgotten just how stressful those episodes were, but receiving that message after the ones that had came before brought all of those feelings back.
I read somewhere that you shouldn't try to over explain to someone with BPD, i was often guilty of that, but she seemed incapable of understanding anything i was trying to say
So in some ways this has been a good thing, because my heart needs reminding of how hard it was at times.
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« Reply #61 on: November 14, 2020, 04:28:00 PM »

Hi Andy

I’m glad to hear that the latest engagement with her has helped bring things back for you and refocus your memory on the reality of her being a very unwell person. I often felt that way too after similar exchanges but also found that feeling/memory to fade and then to become overshadowed by my good memories of my pwBPD.

I’m so encouraged by your ability to have met someone and the possibility of a meet up post-lockdown. That’s such a positive step which I hope leads to a new chapter, which you are so deserving of.

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Goosey
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« Reply #62 on: November 14, 2020, 07:33:52 PM »

I sound like my mom.
But...
better days ahead.
It’s true. 
Time heals all wounds. 
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« Reply #63 on: November 15, 2020, 10:49:21 AM »

Oh my gosh. I hadn't checked in a few days.

This sounds like, in my unprofessional opinion, EXACTLY what happens. A period of happy, loving communication and togetherness, then BACK to the old ways.

As someone pointed out, think back to that list. Reread it. And know that more of that is probably coming. I can't say for sure, but it likely is. Some has already started.

I understand how happy it can make you to feel her reach out, someone else mentioned how deleriously happy they were when their ex reached out...I would feel the same if mine did.

Here's what I KNOW. I KNOW what she said to me, what she did to me. I KNOW it's disrespectful, aggressive, mean, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive (I've written about this on my early threads when I came here), self-centered, patronizing, condescending. YET...I ache for her, still. So I get this.

You may be in a position to have a more objective look at this. Like you, I was just totally trashed the last time we spoke- just horrible, horrible name calling and putting down and gaslighting that my head was spinning trying to keep the facts straight and the conversation on track. This has left me for 9 months just stewing and ruminating.

You now may have more 'closure' in your head, I don't know.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #64 on: November 15, 2020, 11:16:44 AM »

Thankyou you all for your comments and input
Its actually been quite cathartic for me, for weeks I've been secretly wishing I had communication with her again whilst sticking to the NC
On both occasions when i had reached the point of blocking she communicates
First time set me back enormously,  but this has been different
I was in a good place and perhaps that brought more perspective
However I shouldn't have engaged
But the apology,  her saying she misses me lulled me into a false sense of security
I replied with not dissimilar language without actually saying I missed her
Thats probably all she was looking for, to keep me as an option, clearly the new relationship isn't fulfilling or perhaps she's glitched with him , I would be astonished if she hasnt already
But her glitching with me so quickly,  moving from apology and contrition to her self centeredness jolted me back to reality
Suddenly I could remember how horrible she made me feel on so many occasions
All I have right now are negative thoughts about her
It has made my journey just a little  more bearable
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« Reply #65 on: November 16, 2020, 11:45:55 AM »

Reading this thread has made me realize that, while I often think of my position (as a sibling) as different from that of people in romantic relationships, there are a number of real similarities, including my wanting to think that things are better/getting better/going to get better.  There are ways in which some things have gotten better, but the progress is nowhere near as much as I want to believe.  I lull myself into a false sense of security, lower my boundaries and then am devastated when the other shoe drops.  I do not want to exit, but I do need to get real and stay real about what this can look like.  Loving with open eyes is hard -- for me at least.
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Inside
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« Reply #66 on: November 17, 2020, 09:04:56 AM »

Let me add a bit of what I’ve found with regard to your first statements on the thread:  BPD is often blamed on upbringing, or childhood trauma.  My former BPD'd partner had none.  From the books and research I’ve done, I confidently feel it’s a hard-wired, permanent condition.  I’ve witnessed several arguments around here over that, but the latest research convinced me.

What I’ve noticed is the BPD'd person’s behavior kicks in early enough to begin causing conflict and serious problems sooner than later.  Their sexual teasing for attention and validation is no doubt at the core of most sexual trauma.  Mine had dwelt on her sexual traumas with a dream-like trance, recalling and describing them in detail.  Not what I’d expect if such situations had not been either desired or initiated.  

I forget the term for their breaks with reality, or disassociated thinking, but had both witnessed, and had her thoughts described by my BPDx.  I suspect you’ve run across this, and is likely the behavior she described as being ‘brought up differently.’  I suspect, due to her periodic breaks with reality, that she ‘felt’ she’d been brought up differently, as her feelings didn’t match those of others.  (we’re all brought up differently).

You mention feeling codependent.  Something to self assess.  I suggest you work on yourself, figure out and attempt to correct that about yourself you feel, or know needs work.  Allowing yourself to settle for those incapable of legitimately demanding you improve will not help you advance in life.  If you did improve yourself, you’d be stuck carrying them through life.  Or, they'd resent your progress and attempt to sabotage it.  

You’ve mentioned going NC (no contact), and that she continues attempting to contact you.  ...I realize my conclusions and answers around here may not be ‘PC,’ but they are what I’ve concluded after a very bumpy ride..  Those with BPD appear to build a ‘stable’ (like that of horses) of relationship potentials - past, present, and future - and bounce between them.  To each, through mirroring, they become ‘a different person.’  

Since they realize early that ‘they are different,’ they feel that difference entities them to operate outside social norms.  Since they can only last so long, faking their behavior, or become overwhelmed with the normal expectations of a healthy mate, they’ve an expiration date (that’s rarely shared with you).  So they move on to the next admirer.  

As the new r/s begins to wear out, and there’s no new prospects - there’s always you!  They know you, your weaknesses, and exactly how to reinsert themself into your life (for another round).
 
I made the most serious move of my life, not specifically to get away from her, but she was definitely a contributing factor.  At that, I was contacted by her numerous times and ways.  I never responded.  Yes, I’d have liked to.  And in the past, had.  Thus, seven breakups.  No more.  

It’s not cruel on our part to stay removed from their lives.  They had their chance.  Often, many chances..  And like the drug I’d compare their effect on us -- we must forever avoid it.  They are stalkers, expect that.  Mine would describe what her many ex’s were up to Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  

Drama is nourishment to them, so starve them.  If you don’t, they will consume you ..in order to feed themselves.  They know they are messed up, and once they realize you know that, have no restraints on their behavior.  I finally considered my BPDx dangerous.  

Moving on, ‘normal’ takes time.  It seems as though you’re moving at a snails pace r/s wise.  Kind of like enjoying an apple, as compared to a tablespoon of raw sugar.  You must detox to the point where the apple tastes perfect.  Your BPD ex will not like that, and look to poison (hopefully not literally) your new r/s.  So be aware of that.  And, be careful about describing your BPD experience to a ‘normal woman.’  It’s nothing to brag about..  

Learn what you can, but contrary to any other opinion, BPD can not be fixed.  I found it could not be lived with, or tolerated, either.  When they’ve decided to leave, a desperation consumes them.  And when they leave, the fact ‘they broke it off’ appears to give them the impression it’s OK for them to decide to return.  It’s not.  That would be your decision.  And if you’ve experienced enough, learned enough, and need it to remain over - you will need to defend your decision.  Please do  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: November 17, 2020, 09:13:08 AM by Inside » Logged

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Andy1963
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« Reply #67 on: November 17, 2020, 01:39:40 PM »

Thankyou Inside
This makes a lot of sense to me
Especially when it comes to her disassociation and breaks with reality
These episodes were numerous and actually quite frightening in their strength, its quite hard to explain to someone how it felt when these particular glitches happened,  it wasnt about rage at these times, more about experiencing something completely surreal

She would seem to become a completely different person, unrecognisable, it was hard to reach her and reason her back to some sort of balance. I feared those episodes even more than the rages as it made me realise just how unstable she actually was.
I would often say to myself during these episodes,  ' shes afraid of the world'
Because thats how it felt, extreme over reactions and paranoia were a constant theme.
Its becoming more and more clear as each day passes just how unwell she is and that I was just part of the process of the condition
That doesn't necessarily take the pain away but it at least reassures me that nothing I did could have helped or changed things
But it sometimes makes me fear for her well being...


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B53
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« Reply #68 on: November 18, 2020, 08:59:19 AM »

I’m sorry you and everyone on this site is in such pain!  The anger we feel is legitimate because what they have put us through. The sad thing is that the BP in our life have a personality disorder they are not doing this to get us, they are trying to end the constant pain that they live in. They just go from one person to another in hopes that the next person they meet will be the one that ends their suffering. When your in the throws of the disorder, you may be the one that they go after, but if read about this disorder, it not really about you. We can move on and try to get over what we went through, but there is no escape for them unless they are willing to seek help.  They are desperate people.  That being said, we don’t deserve the abuse and we need to take care of ourselves.

A few people on this site have mentioned someone who use to post who goes by 2010. It was hard to figure out how to get to his posts and I’m not sure how I finally found them, but after messing around I finally did. I was able to pull up all his post and read them one after another. He must be a therapist or professional in the field. I wish he was still on the site, he hasn’t posted for a few years.
 
I hope things start to fall in place, so you can start healing.
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Inside
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« Reply #69 on: November 18, 2020, 10:01:01 AM »

Excellent summation, Andy.  I’d concluded the same from my experience.  I so vividly recall watching the disassociation wash over ..and through her.  Staring into space, while thinking out loud.  Honesty, I appreciated her allowing me to witness that, though ultimately concluded the same as you..

I evolved during our r/s, she didn’t, and unfortunately, couldn’t.  Eventually, she’d simply describe her fears, once I’d apparently convinced her I cared, and understood.  But in doing so, we both concluded, our r/s had likely run it’s course… 

I’d fill one, maybe two needs, as she then felt free to go elsewhere for any others.  Feeling I needed and deserved more, I concluded we’d reached the extent of relationship's capability, and I called it quits, for good.  She, in a narcissistic way, could not accept that ‘I’d’ made the call, and not (as usual) her.  She instantly ghosted me..

The only reason I’d contacted her was to seek money (yes, stupid me) I’d loaned her to purchase a house.  “Do not contact me again or I will obtain a restraining order” was her written (and mailed) reply!  Fortunately, I could afford the loss, eventually realizing, I’d dodged a cannon ball, and it was worth every cent to be rid of her.

Of course, she used every known angle to reinsert herself into my life; I needed only to remind myself of ‘that letter.’  No Contact, at all, ever since.

I totally understand the pain of others, though.  Thus have returned to these pages to reassure the extended victims they're correct in their fears, confusion, anger, and desire to escape.  You appear to have figured it out, and are capable of taking your ‘superpower’ of knowledge and moving ahead. 

As for them, they’ll do what they do, until their sexual allure wanes..  Yes, it’s tragic that no one could save or even help them, beyond the temporary fix they feel from ‘new love.’  Dang
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The part of this that’s ‘us’ is our willingness to doubt ourselves.
Andy1963
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« Reply #70 on: November 19, 2020, 05:24:54 PM »

Ive decided to take a short break from the boards
I'm so grateful for all the input I've had here
Its truly helped me
But I feel I need to stop focusing on her and the relationship and spend some time looking after me
I will be back,   just taking some time out to refocus
Chat soon everyone
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brighter future
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« Reply #71 on: November 20, 2020, 12:30:26 PM »

Andy,

I've decided to scale back on my time spent in here as well to help my mind focus on other things besides BPD. I believe I've learned enough here on the forum and in therapy to be able to make the right choices to move forward in a positive way and  to not allow my ex to come back into my life.

Now I just need to focus on what's ahead in life for my child and I. My child is having to do virtual learning at home due to Covid for a while, so I have three roles now: employee, father, and teaching assistant. These things need to be my primary focus now, not my past relationship.

Best wishes, and I look forward to hearing about your progress in the near future.  
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« Reply #72 on: November 22, 2020, 07:20:44 PM »

Ive been here nearly 3 years, the support has always been a click away, it has been reassuring and reliable. I learned the help is Not going anywhere. some time for absorption can help. finding balance, remembering that life is bigger than the relationship. take care, see you, and if not - well done.
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B53
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« Reply #73 on: November 22, 2020, 08:44:31 PM »

I think you both should be very proud of your progress. Even in a normal relationship there is a period of mourning. Keep up the good work and give yourself some slack, this isn’t easy!
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Andy1963
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« Reply #74 on: December 18, 2020, 03:46:46 AM »

So, its a month almost to the day since my last post announcing a break from here.
In the last four days my world has gone crazy.
For the first few weeks since that date I was focused, working hard on myself and distancing myself as much as possible from thoughts of her and the relationship.
Every week or so I received a message from her, innocuous usually,  asking how I was etc, I did reply, foolishly I suppose, but it never progressed past a few messages back and forth.
Then.....Monday of this week everything changed.
I was sitting at home after a busy day and unwinding when my phone pinged, it was her with the message ' hi, fancy meeting an old friend for coffee?'
Now I know and knew that my reaction should have been to ignore and not respond,  but I responded saying yes
Within 30 mins I was across a table in the coffee shop looking straight at her for the first time since September
We actually looked at eachother without speaking for what seemed like an eternity but it was only moments.
Her first words to me were, 'omg you look amazing'
I reciprocated,  and thats when my world became totally crazy again
All of the work and energy I had put into distancing myself went out the window
I asked her how her relationship was going,  ' I'm so bored' she said ' I miss you, I miss us, I've made a huge mistake '
I won't go into detail about how the rest of our meeting went as it was a blur and by midnight, when she had left my apartment,  I stood in the middle of my room and said to myself ' What the hell are you doing?'
So now, 4 days later , she is back in my life, albeit not in a ' relationship ' but we are reconnected.
My head feels as if its going to explode and I know I'm not thinking straight,  maybe it was a mistake coming away from here when I did, I thought I was strong enough, clearly I am not
Please don't judge me to harshly
But any input is welcomed.....
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B53
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« Reply #75 on: December 18, 2020, 08:42:08 AM »

Andy,
No one here is going to judge you! Share your feelings. Sometimes writing down your  thoughts, puts things in perspective. Maybe read what you wrote as if someone else wrote it. What would you tell them? What ever you would say, I’m sure it would be kind and caring.
B53
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Andy1963
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« Reply #76 on: December 18, 2020, 09:00:28 AM »

Thankyou B53
I'm just feeling a bit unbalanced at the moment
I truly didn't expect any of this as I believed that she was gone forever and I was doing so very well at rebuilding
I guess, because of that I hadn't prepared myself for the possibility of her returning and for this engagement to happen, although all the guidance and advice on BPD should have alerted me to the possibility
In a bit of a haze tbh
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Andy1963
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« Reply #77 on: December 21, 2020, 07:00:17 PM »

Finding life a bit surreal at the moment
Like I'm in a time loop
She is contacting me daily, love bombing me again
My friends and family are corralling me at present
How can they have such an effect on us?
Have I learnt nothing???
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« Reply #78 on: December 21, 2020, 10:55:46 PM »

Hi Andy! No one here is judging you, we are glad you are here. She’s like a drug, I get it completely. That feeling that she’s back and she wants you, it’s amazing. I’ve been there.

Remember, both she and your relationship hasn’t miraculously been fixed. You are in essence back in the same relationship, only with some damage done due to the past breakup.

What do you want to do now?

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« Reply #79 on: December 22, 2020, 12:21:33 AM »

Finding life a bit surreal at the moment
Like I'm in a time loop
She is contacting me daily, love bombing me again
My friends and family are corralling me at present
How can they have such an effect on us?
Have I learnt nothing???

They know our vulnerabilities and our core deficits. They fill our insecurities. We feel whole for the first time. We have met our perfect match. But then things change. The reason it's so hard to pull away/leave or resist them is because they filled the insecure, empty, lost parts of our soul.  To have that filled feels so wonderful. So complete. If only their motives were genuine.  The reason it hurts so bad is because we thought we finally found our soul mate. To have that same person who made us feel this way only turn around and cheat on us, lie to us, abuse us is traumatic. It not only damages our self worth, it not only exposes our holes which were temporarily filled, it validates them in our mind. Maybe we are the problem? Maybe I'm the issue? Maybe the way I felt all these years and my lack of self worth is because I'm actually worthless? 

Of course this could not be further from the truth. The key to not returning is to realize that the only true source to fill your wounded soul is YOU. Not an external source. We are attracted to them because they make us feel whole but we were not whole even when we met them and their actions to fill those voids were not genuine. If they were how could they have treated us this way?

They come back when they sense you are going to fill those holes on your own through no contact. Because once they get filled by YOU, they know their game won't work.  Someone with a healthy self worth, self respect, self love, doesn't fall for someone telling them how great they are because they don't need to be told that. They already feel good about themselves. In that process their games don't work anymore. Love bombing only works when there are holes that we let be filled externally vs internally.

They come back the way they do to prevent you from healing. For as long as it takes you to realize that the only person who can make you feel whole is you, you will be susceptible to them trying to come back into your life.  Even if you are away from them through NC for years if the realization is never made that the only person who can supply your self worth, respect, and expectations for how you are treated is YOU, than they will always have an angle because they know those holes are still there inside you and that we as humans will always fall for them being filled because of our universal desire to find love. 

I started reframing her love bombing as insulting. OK, you cheated on me lied to me, scream at me, ignore me for days, ruined my birthday but you love me? No. That's not love.

Almost like a con man who realizes you're on to them, she left me alone when she realized that I had done work on myself and didn't need HER or her hollow words to complete me anymore. 

If you aren't at this point yet that's ok but I do hope what I said above resonates in some way. Took me a long time to realize how I felt about myself, I mean look what I tolerated? And it took me a long time to realize that I needed to fix me, not our relationship that she destroyed multiple times.
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« Reply #80 on: December 22, 2020, 12:21:17 PM »

That was so well said!  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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Andy1963
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« Reply #81 on: December 23, 2020, 09:02:31 AM »

Thankyou Anxiety for your very detailed response.
I do feel really torn at the moment, she is urging me for another chance, she's accepting that she needs help and that she has hurt me very badly.
But I am very very aware of the fact that this is all about her.
Her new relationship hasn't worked out( because she is bored) and she is basically recycling me as I am familiar territory for her.
She is framing it as some sort of epiphany and accepts that I absolutely refuse to get into a relationship based on my past experience so I believe she is willing to settle for a resumption of communication , for now
Someone asked me a while back on here if I wanted her back
Truth be told, if I could remove her glitches and lying she is absolutely the girl of my dreams, beautiful, funny and full of life.
But, and its a big but, her BPD is so destructive,
She is glitchy even now but in a very transparent and harmless way
I had forgotten aspects of her personality and her quirks etc
The biggest issue for me right now is lack of preparation for this resumption of contact.
I truly believed she had gone forever, the guy she was with had everything materially that she has always wanted, he's a pretty rich guy and could have given her a very comfortable life
She has said that her priorities have been completely realigned as she now realises how amazing I was to her( although again I realise this is part of the ritual)
So I really going to think very carefully about things
The positive thing is, it is now totally within my control, which is very liberating



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« Reply #82 on: December 24, 2020, 02:20:08 AM »

Thankyou Anxiety for your very detailed response.
I do feel really torn at the moment, she is urging me for another chance, she's accepting that she needs help and that she has hurt me very badly.
But I am very very aware of the fact that this is all about her.
Her new relationship hasn't worked out( because she is bored) and she is basically recycling me as I am familiar territory for her.
She is framing it as some sort of epiphany and accepts that I absolutely refuse to get into a relationship based on my past experience so I believe she is willing to settle for a resumption of communication , for now
Someone asked me a while back on here if I wanted her back
Truth be told, if I could remove her glitches and lying she is absolutely the girl of my dreams, beautiful, funny and full of life.
But, and its a big but, her BPD is so destructive,
She is glitchy even now but in a very transparent and harmless way
I had forgotten aspects of her personality and her quirks etc
The biggest issue for me right now is lack of preparation for this resumption of contact.
I truly believed she had gone forever, the guy she was with had everything materially that she has always wanted, he's a pretty rich guy and could have given her a very comfortable life
She has said that her priorities have been completely realigned as she now realises how amazing I was to her( although again I realise this is part of the ritual)
So I really going to think very carefully about things
The positive thing is, it is now totally within my control, which is very liberating

I understand it is hard. There is not a single person on Earth who could have told me to stay away from my ex despite everything that happened. This process is something that every person has to learn for themselves. If you are back or go back what I would challenge you to do is this. Write down today, exactly what transpired during your last break up. Write down exactly the things she did, the things she said and the way it all made you feel. Write it all down in detail and at the bottom make an agreement with yourself that if anything like that ever occurs again, it will be the last time. You won't ever go through it again. That you have too many dreams, too much respect for yourself, and life is too short to have such highs and lows become your normal cycle of life.  Then put that letter somewhere safe and give it your best shot. You know I can't tell you going back is right but I also will not judge you for doing so because I did as well. All I can do is be here and try to provide some wisdom. They say wisdom is getting advice so that you can learn things without actually having to experience the learning process yourself. When I read your story and others here I just have this desire to help anyone who needs it so that they can learn from my experience and hopefully make their situation better without having to suffer as long as I did by actually having to learn it through repetitive hurt.

My ex reached out to me 1 month after we first split. My heart raced. She told me she missed me she wanted to see me. She said she realized so much. I had made so much progress up to that point I was out with a friend of mine when I got her texts and they took me by such surprise. 5 hours later I was in her bed. 10 hours later we were going away for the weekend together and were back into our previous cycle of seeing each other daily as if nothing had changed. Pay attention to this: There is a difference of saying all the right things to make a relationship work and saying all the right things to get you back.  It was like the twilight zone for me. It was like these people have a hack into your soul and know your heart better than you. It was a few weeks later. The very day I woke up and let my guard down as if to say to myself ok, I'm ready to go all back into this again she is different. That very day she started shifting back to her old ways. It was like she could sense I was back intune and hooked back into her which is an instant que to begin doing all the things she did before. 

Once all the nonsense started again I had done exactly what I suggest of you above. I took out that letter I wrote, read all of the things she had done to me I read how I told myself if it started again I would not go through this again.  Those are the lowest moments for me. I felt conned, I realized I was back to day 1 again of rebuilding myself and that was a tough pill.

I wish the best for you in this process. Just remember, we set the expectations for how other people treat us. If someone treats us poorly and we go back, or we stay or we dismiss and ignore it all we are doing is giving them permission without consequence. 

Take care of YOU and be well. If and when the cycle begins to restart, find that letter I hope you write to yourself and I'll be here to talk if you need to!


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Andy1963
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 103


« Reply #83 on: December 24, 2020, 05:33:27 PM »

Once again thankyou for this it is a very powerful message
I have spent almost 4 months focusing on healing and getting through a very traumatic break up, her getting into something almost immediately and how painful it has all been
But it has taught me just how strong I actually am
I have had some very dark moments during that time
I have posted about those dark moments whilst in the midst of them
But I got through them and emerged stronger
Now, all of a sudden she is back in my life
The one overriding thought that has emerged for me in the last few days is how much she really does need help
Her love bombing has progressed to her telling me she is missing me desperately every minute of the day, she rang me in tears saying she can't get through Xmas day without me there
I cannot and will not be there
This goes beyond her BPD and I am genuinely concerned for her well being, its not normal to ignore someone for 4 months then all of a sudden crave them desperately
My head is spinning with the madness of it all

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Goosey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 187


« Reply #84 on: December 24, 2020, 10:56:54 PM »

I’m on job contract multiple stop/ state road trip by myself.
It’s understandable I couldn’t get a worker to go with me, it is the holidays. I jumped on this contract. I may be an old guy climbing around like a spider doing this covid exterior work.
   But I love the banter. Not mine... the normal people just walking into the take out windows to get their food.
(Seems they always want extra rolls.)
  So it’s Christmas Eve.
 Again.
But this year after several years of insanity i have been discarded and left alone in a good way.
I did email a simple “merry Christmas!”
But I honestly only have a slight interest in a response.
   I know that confusing but let me simplify.
It’s over. She doesn’t even bother anymore. 
And THAT is the hardest to acclimate to.
That’s the rewiring you all speak of.
It’s happening.
 
  So anyway. Take care my friends.
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
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« Reply #85 on: December 24, 2020, 11:03:36 PM »

Oh damn andy I just kinda cut over your post.
   So ya. I have been there.
Ya she is up and large and demanded you just f@@@ing be there right f@@ing this instant even though that is realistically impossible even for the United States Air Force.
And your getting barraged and screamed and ranted at while you yell back to heard but no one is listening.
    ......right...... well I have been there.... and maybe once or twice... during those situations I actually just started laughing that I knew this was insanity.  The push me pull you of abuse.
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
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« Reply #86 on: December 24, 2020, 11:13:30 PM »

I’m  posting from my work truck outside a hotel on Christmas Eve.  My adult daughter is safe and happy, my bills are payed and current. My dogs are being babysitted.
  And I’m ok. Last year I was a total mess.
Am I ok. Probably not. I don’t seem to have a problem communicating with multiple perfect strangers, managers, staff,  oh like the General population. 
  But after being told I am a “sick man” etc for years I do have a inability to EVER want to deal with someone thinking treating someone like that acceptable.
   And I don’t see it out here. So I know it’s when you let them “in”.
So that’s my next hurdle. Or not.
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anxiety5
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Posts: 359


« Reply #87 on: December 25, 2020, 01:56:53 AM »

I’m on job contract multiple stop/ state road trip by myself.
It’s understandable I couldn’t get a worker to go with me, it is the holidays. I jumped on this contract. I may be an old guy climbing around like a spider doing this covid exterior work.
   But I love the banter. Not mine... the normal people just walking into the take out windows to get their food.
(Seems they always want extra rolls.)
  So it’s Christmas Eve.
 Again.
But this year after several years of insanity i have been discarded and left alone in a good way.
I did email a simple “merry Christmas!”
But I honestly only have a slight interest in a response.
   I know that confusing but let me simplify.
It’s over. She doesn’t even bother anymore. 
And THAT is the hardest to acclimate to.
That’s the rewiring you all speak of.
It’s happening.
 
  So anyway. Take care my friends.

I hear you. Think of it this way though. Life is about perspective. An event is just an event. We can view that event in such a way as to make it one way or the challenge is to reframe it. 

My ex too is gone for good. She has left me alone completely now for years. No apology, no happy birthday no realization that she was wrong, nothing.  Once I finally broke free I was never going back but I have to admit at first a part of me craved that one day she would come back just to say sorry or everything. Closure. I can choose to view it that way but then it occurred to me.  Her leaving me alone is a testament to my resolve as she realized I would not fall for her games again. Her never reaching out ever again and apologizing is not a reflection of my inadequacy it's just further proof that what what I know is love was never what she offered. Her leaving me alone is just proof that I was strong enough to get away. Her never reaching out to me is more a fact that she can not handle rejection and she now fears me and the fact that I would reject her attempts to come back.

So we can choose to somehow summarize that the person who emotionally abused us, lied to us, cheated on us and disrespected us going silent is somehow a reflection on us.  But if it is, it's only because we are healthy now and aren't willing to rescue them.

We didn't lose. We won back the freedom to move on.
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B53
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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #88 on: December 25, 2020, 09:47:49 PM »

anxiety5,
well said!
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anxiety5
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« Reply #89 on: December 25, 2020, 10:25:50 PM »

anxiety5,
well said!

Merry Christmas!
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