Terrible time with Live in GF...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I agree...but they are on phone constantly as well...she literally started talking to him on dec 5th she says...but yes, most likely you are right...and altho it upsets me, I guess the real thing is my life...not hers...I believe she has taken all those feelings we had, and poured it into this imaginary figure for self protection...perhaps we had to break up as that is a possibility for any couple...but my god, not this way...

[cash05458]

I agree...but they are on phone constantly as well...she literally started talking to him on dec 5th she says...but yes, most likely you are right...and altho it upsets me, I guess the real thing is my life...not hers...I believe she has taken all those feelings we had, and poured it into this imaginary figure for self protection...perhaps we had to break up as that is a possibility for any couple...but my god, not this way...

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash -

This will likely be somewhat long... I’ll apologize in advance.

I’m no expert.  How I see things are merely my opinions.  Nothing more.  And again, I am so very sorry for your pain and confusion.  There is NO way to soothe that pain or clear up the confusion for you.  Not right now.  I do however believe that things will begin to crystallize for you in the coming days/few weeks.  Not necessarily over her destructive behaviors NOW, in the last three weeks, but in how you’ve ALWAYS likely been the “glue”, so to speak - “for” her.  If you were to look VERY VERY closely. 

You don’t need to answer... but give this some thought, and perhaps put pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard- for your eyes.  And share here if that will help.  Begin to journal about this relationship- that WILL help you.  This I can assure you, my friend.

As for your home... any home shared with a disordered person... Oh how I relate.  I live in a home too large for me.  Yet when my ex NPD/BPD was here, it felt that every wall closed in and shook from his presence, waiting for the next explosion.  This home felt so small, tiny, like I was suffocating in what belonged to me.  Yet HE behaved as if he “owned” it.  And me.  And without him in it... I can breathe.  And now it is HUGE.  Way too large for me and my sweet dog.  The sad part is, he also “owned” every moment of my time.  I lived in a state of anticipation.  For 6.5 years.  I am unwinding that feeling, those feelings.  You’ll need to do the same.

I came to understand that I was largely “functional” in many ways to him / for him... in daily life and intimately.  Everything in every way was about him.  Or HIS family (but really “him”).  And he has tried to return... in his “subtle” (so he thinks) ways, since we parted in 2/2020.  I will not allow that.  His latest attempt was on 12/14 and I knew it was coming, yet was still surprised when the text arrived.  I am still afraid to block him.  Afraid of his RAGE.  So I answered his long paragraphs of text with a neutral, “glad you’re doing ok” response.  I know what he REALLY wanted... The timing of the contact said it all... and I am so OUT after the everything he’s done. 

I know I’m selfishly weaving parts of my story into yours, but sometimes that can help us identify things we may not have seen in our own relationships.  It took me YEARS to see parallels between this rs and my 19-year marriage. 

Can you see anything yet?

It’s up to “us” to be out once our eyes fall open.  Our hearts take awhile to follow... but they will eventually.  We need to remember that the persona who was introduced at the beginning is NOT the person who moved in and took up residence.  That lover exited pretty quickly.  They are NOT two people.

I’ve more to say, but I want to split this into two parts.  The next is about preparing yourself for what I believe may likely come next... when her fantasy implodes.  Pretty sure it will.  There are selfish reasons she keeps you in her “orbit”.

Your obligation is to you and you alone.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash-  this may be a hard read...  please stay with me.

What I fear... is that this thing she’s engaging in is going to fall apart, in a ball of flames, and she’s going to run back to you to make everything all better for her. 

It’s up to you to prepare yourself for this possibility.  And figure out ahead of time where you stand.

The reasons I see this burning itself out are because -
Like you’ve said... to begin with:
*it’s all on a screen. 
*He lives in another country. 
*He lives with a 95-year old and a 90-year old
*They can BOTH present WHATEVER they wish on a screen or by phone.  In person is an entirely different matter.
*IF, and that’s a big IF, the day comes when she does make it to England, what are the chances that he will really REALLY be able to give in to ALL of her demands and desires while still serving the ongoing needs of the elderly people he lives with?

*For all anyone knows, this may be how this guy keeps himself “occupied”, while he’s actually covertly incested with his elderly mother /aunt.  This is a difficult one... my ex had a very twisted relationship his mother (covert incest aka emotional incest is a real thing).

*Your ex is used to privacy... she will NOT have that there... more demands he will NOT be able to meet.  She is used to being the primary and ONLY focus.  Likely NOT going to happen for three straight months, let alone a week... unless he completely moves out of where he’s now residing.

*She doesn’t question why he hasn’t had a relationship in 20 years? Oh, right... he hadn’t met HER!

Maybe I’m tainted.  Maybe not.

If this thing had played out differently from the start and she hadn’t dragged your heart into it; if she hadn’t been so awful about the whole thing... well things happen.  Relationships do change and end.  But this?  Like this?  Stable new relationships generally don’t begin like this... at least I don’t believe they do. 

Others may have alternate viewpoints.  I’m 63 and no prude, but I just don’t see it.

So now to you, Cash.  Door open or door closed?

If and when it crashes and she comes back... Her attempts toward you will likely be made with EVERY tool she has in her belt.  Crying... no. Sobbing, pleading, begging, promises, you’re her man and always HAVE been, excuses... if only YOU had... ahhh, and then YOU will find yourself apologizing.  Every memory, every known soft spot of yours, every sensitivity, tenderness, past experience, song, photo, pet, cuddle... you get the gist of it.  She will be desperate like you’ve never seen.  And she will MEAN it.  In that particular moment.  In that particular moment.

So please use caution.  And this CAN take place whether or not the thing falls apart before she ever makes it to the airport.  Could happen tomorrow, next week, end of January.  Or... after she’s been in England for a period of time. 

It’s all ugly to think about.  It ALL hurts to think about.  It’s all hard to read.  All of it, I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me.

But these people will make a hard hard play for what they think they want.  I know this.  From experience.  I also know that I have forgiven unforgivable behaviors over and over.  From both my exH and my exBF. 

So please, Cash.  If this does happen.  If you do happen to forgive and re-enter the relationship, please know that so so MANY of us have done this...many times.  And there will be no judgment.  At all.  You hold love for this woman.  We know and understand that.

When you have the strength, Your thoughts?  Or... you may not yet be in a position to have any thoughts on this.  Likely too soon.  Share as you are able.

Please just know, that her behaviors have ALWAYS been about the emptiness in her.  Not you.  It took me a long time to know this.

Warmly,
Gems

[crushedagain]

I happen to believe she's going to try to come back, too, especially since this new "relationship" has absolutely no chance. London? HAH! A guy living with two old women (I missed that) who has not been in a relationship for 20 years? I bet he figures out a way to cancel her trip there. He's in it for the free video sex.

[cash05458]

Gem (and Crushed)...thank you...

Gem I want to take the time to answer your long, heartfelt notes...yesterday for some reason was worst than xmas...will do so later this morning in full after my head clears abit...but thanks you from bottom of heart to take the time to write all that out...will respond when a little more clear hopefully later this morning...

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash-

Take as much time as you need.  It was so much, I know.

For some reason, I completely fell apart yesterday, too.  Cried I don’t know how many times... normally just once a day for a few minutes.  Fast intense crying jags.  But I cried over growing food lines, unemployment claims running out, no government action, people dying, people flying, healthcare workers, a bomb in Nashville, I haven’t vacuumed, my obligations to elderly family members, loneliness...  you name it.  Even Cursed a blue streak when I realized I could NOT see the NFL games on network TV.  Go figure... who does that?  Me.

Thought to myself... I’ve GOT to do SOMETHING different.  Started taking B complex to work on this anxiety.   And this morning, instead of looking at ANY news, I turned on music and read funny stuff that buzzfeed shows.  Just a different start to the day.  MY patterns need to change...

So my friend, take your time.

Hugs to you,
Gems

[cash05458]

Gem...yesterday...the day after xmas was hard for both...I am sure for many...I had to at least keep up some facade of self for self to get thru xmas...then, day after...let it go...maybe the same for you I think...

Yes, take B complex...it helps...I do the same...even tho I can hardly eat...taking vitamins to try to keep brain chemistry a lil on my side..

doing what I shouldnt do...looked at her facebook page today...all sorts of public love notes back to one another and posting songs...their new songs..."for her, my great great love...my lover...my lover for always..."

ack, my fault for looking...but of course throws me into a tailspin...just so damaging...

maybe for her, him being on facebook and not yet "real" is the key...BP's need something new...but it's a way to feel totally "close" to someone and pour everything into...but it's totally at a distance...just a screen and voice and images...I don't know...but tell myself that to deal with the pain...

What you said about the house is so true...now that she is gone, and even tho doing terrible...I see the place was literally run on her emotions...like it was the source of all power...the axis all spun around...good/bad...did not matter...like I was some sort of toy to entertain her emotions...a jester...a healer...and target to smash...

as for keeping the door open a crack or finally shutting it...I don't know...well, I "Know" the right and correct thing for myself...yes; but emotions are all over the place...mostly I think as well from this major atomizing of "us" over the last few weeks...it has been so crazy and tough...just shellshocked...like recent war damage...I wake up at night in bed and it's like the phantom arm I just lost in some terrible event...

 thank you for speaking to me here as it is helping tho we don't know one another and I am so sorry you are hurting so badly...I hope my speaking about this isn't bringing up flashbacks...I don't want that...you are so kind Gem...

[crushedagain]

This is just my opinion of course, but she has done a handful of unforgivable things. Those are boundaries which, if crossed, are the end of a relationship for me. Things like cheating, intentional abuse, lying and stealing - I will never accept them from a person who is supposed to be a loved one. I end relationships if/when that happens. There's no more trust, and no way back.

It will be up to you to decide what is tolerable, but I do not see a person even worth forgiving here. She seems rotten almost to the very core - diabolical in a way. What she has done to you is sickening. I hope you stop looking at Facebook. You are torturing yourself.

[cash05458]

yes Crushed...you are right...about it all...I know this...and need to bring it into reality...

[crushedagain]

I am not suggesting this in any way as it would be horrible advice for any person, not just one who is suffering after a relationship with BPD person, but I almost feel like in your situation I wish you'd meet another woman, and quick. Just get that nasty taste out of your mouth, if you know what I mean. Rebounding is not a great way to establish a new, lasting relationship, but the comforts of another woman could perhaps go a long way in extracting yourself from this last one, and enjoying your time more rather than dwelling on things.

Again, this is not a suggestion, just something I've often thought of myself. I have always been one to suffer long after a relationship is over, and wonder if I've been doing it wrong, that maybe I should have been focusing on finding the right one rather than wallowing in misery for an extended period of time. I am a very monogamous person, so it's difficult to go from one to the other.

Just thinking out loud here. I guess part of me was hoping you would meet a new woman, then the ex would come back and you'd be able to say "I'm sorry, I've met a wonderful woman and I'd like you to never contact me again." It would be fitting. 

[cash05458]

Crushed...thank you...in some strange way that would prolly "work" for me to fill in the hole...just as a life vest to get to  the shore...but I just can't work that way as it sounds like for self...not out of stubbornness...it's just me, you know... just nature...but I want to work thru all this for self...and not even in sense of no baggage as they say next relationship so that it might be better...that, but not mainly that...I don't want to use anyone else to fill in the hole...then I become her in a strange sense and follow her path...and I don't want that...it's what I want to come to reject.

[crushedagain]

Like I said, I was not suggesting or recommending it, I was just trying to think outside of the box from what I am used to doing. Your situation is so toxic that I hope for your sake you can remain strong and not be tempted when she invariably comes back, because I truly believe she will. This thing she's doing is completely unsustainable.

[cash05458]

Crushed...yes, I agree with you...her lifestyle change has been so abrupt I doubt she can sustain...I need to make sure there is no return...I want to be strong..

Besides her online "boyfriend"...she went from being a 60 year old respectable school teacher here in our small town...to now living in practically a college type house scene with roommates with no job, no plans to get one and just use her unemployment, and literally staying high on weed 24/7...

[cash05458]

also, altho I cant get a therapist...there are just none free at my Heath care place, nor any free around here...I have called my Doctor this morning and left a message for her to call me about going on anti depressants or at least discuss it with her...I would hope to only have to do that short term to get out of this ...realize it will take some time to kick in, but feel it's prolly a good idea. I want to face this and work it thru for myself but feel I need some temporary help to get thru the roughest part. Trying to stay exercising some, trying to eat but having a hard time with that...tho I do force myself to eat...have no scale here but think I must have lost 15 pounds since this began.

[cash05458]

I know I need to be strong should this swing back towards me...the very idea of taking her back after all of this is simply crazy...she has done SO MANY things , and still is, to make any idea of "fixing" us just a totally unrealistic idea...she has gone waaaay past the point of no return...I need to be strong and focus on that and my way forward...objectively, it has helped hearing folks here, and in my life tell me that after all she has actively done and is doing, it would be crazy on my part to take her back here or work on us in any way...this has been so overwhelming and heavy and constant and fast...it's like my basic defense systems have been stripped...just sadness and terrible depression rather than anger...I should be angryat what she has doen  and is doing..other relationships, I would have been...like "How F===kin Dare you!" Yet its not there yet...or "you want this electronic clown? Have him...I am gone...don't return"...and yet those feelings stay hidden by this sadness...maybe because it came all at once and was so sudden and dramatic...so I am in a state of shock...

[cash05458]

and Gem, I think you are right...I always have been the "glue"...I think perhaps that is the clue to her still contacting me and keeping her finger in...all the while saying she doesn't want anything or is unsure of working anything out with us etc...in some way I think I played the role of her life as a sort of therapist...not good I know...and I am not a therapist...but my background is a Phd in Philosophy and decades of studying Freud at a hardcore academic level...I went thru analysis myself when younger...very aware of most of my backgrounding of current problems (still, that doesnt mean you actually can change them so easily...but you are aware of source...say, the foundational stuff of my Mother and my saving complexes)...I am very good at talking with folks about their problems...and people find that attractive...I say all that because in thinking about this "glue" I think that is spot on when I look over the previous 6 years...and altho she is a few years older than I am...I am 56...this is almost like I have a rebellious and messed up teen daughter...going her way and doing all the wrong things...yet still needing to report back to Daddy...fighting me every step of the way, taking it deeper, but not stopping...and then somehow she wanting to make sure I am "still there"...and of course I am NOT her Father...I am her lover, ex lover...whatever... 

[cash05458]

It honestly is like she has regressed to the state of a little girl..." I will do anything I want and you can't stop me...but I know you will always love me..." and as if sex and other men are some new found toy...filling in that gap of a six year thing ending with someone else so quickly, and at such a fantasy level just shuts down any working thru for herself, anything really...just a stopgap thing  to ensure the repetition cycle stays exactly the same...yet this whole thing and all these actions are termed by her as "her time...time to understand and grow and find oneself"...

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash-

I’ve been on the boards more in the last few days than normal.  I think because I’ve been highly “triggered” as we say... likely several reasons.

We all just want some peace.  I’ve been out since 2/13/20.  But he has a way of “checking in” and as I mentioned, did that again on 12/14.  That day was pretty easy, predictable.  Since the day after Christmas, I have struggled mightily to NOT contact him for “comfort”.  But I realize... he NEVER comforted or supported me in any real way, shape or form... so why would he now?  He would NOT.  Opening myself to that would be like taking a knife to my own throat. 

I have been in “lockdown” since 1/9/2020... when my doc thinks I actually had Covid (no proof, too early...). Was so sick for 7 weeks, left the house twice in early March when family came to visit, and then we went into “real” lockdown.  I have to protect my 88-year old mom, who lives nearby, and another elderly relative.  I know, boo hoo for me...  sorry.

That was that.

This is a horribly confusing time for you, but there are things to see clearly.

The person who betrayed you is HER, not him.  I know it sounds odd, but try not to swallow yourself down into calling him names (clown, loser, etc).  That only hurts you.  He will somehow learn - “what someone does FOR you, they will also do TO you”..  meaning she may very well cheat on him when his usefulness is exhausted.

You don’t know a thing about him, but you do know and ARE learning about HER character.  Remember THAT.

I’m saying this for a reason, Cash.  When my exBF would tell me things... like I was “disinvited for Christmas” by that mother... despite the twisted rs they had; it wasn’t because she disliked me on her OWN, it was because HE lied and smeared me to her.  I spent precious energy hurting terribly over that (and blaming blameless people) until I figured out what actually took place.  Jeez... he tried talking smack about my own family to ME, so why not spread awful lies about me to HIS family?  Made sick sense to him.

So your pain and anger (when it comes) lies solely with her.  You’ve got no idea what lies she’s told him about you.  And you never will.  That is the truth about BPD/NPD people. They do what best serves them each and everyday.  It doesn’t matter whose reputation gets splattered in the process.  And you’ve got to ignore it.  Just ignore what she does to justify her behaviors.

Finally, the Facebook thing.  Please stop.  Be fair to yourself.  There is a spiritual thought in Judaism.  When you suffer a loss, you are not supposed to do anything that heightens your grief.  Looking at the social media heightens your grief.  And now is a time for you to care for yourself in some way.  Can you please try?

Yes, Cash.  We are “strangers” here.  But there is a shared experience that many people do not understand or grasp the depth of.  There just isn’t a “pull up your bootstraps”, be a man, put on your big girl panties, approach to these things.  This pain can feel “other-worldly” and evoke some deep shame in us.  That’s why we help one another.

From my standpoint, I came to the conclusion of... a few months after this rs ended.. I don’t know, something like “who on EARTH did I think I was that I could heal this truly SICK man?  I came to see myself almost as “arrogant”.  Really almost believing where everyone else in his entire life had failed to make him kind, I would be THE ONE to do that?   Right... like I said, I just could not love him to wellness.  And no, he wasn’t all “bad”.  Of course he wasn’t.  But I have to forget the good.

Nothing makes me that special.  I get it now.  And that’s what breaks me.

Warmly,
Gems

[cash05458]

Gems...I am sorry you have been triggered some...prolly talking with me hasn't helped...I am so sorry for everything you are going thru and have gone thru with your ex.

But you are being strong doing all you have to...all the while in pain...that takes a lot of strength...and sensibility...I really admire how you are holding to his onslaught for yourself...I really am...if you can, try to feel good about that thru the pain...

You are right, I should stop the name calling of this other guy. It just lowers myself as well.

Well, I have some news from today. The last time we spoke she mentioned she wanted to return half the money from our co account...we had about 3 grand in there. So she was going to return 1500 so I could find a cheap car to get a job...she knows how dangerous this is for me that way...living way out in country and having to have a car to help self at all...so she said we would talk about it today... so she was to call.

She didnt call tonight so I tried her...my number has been blocked...so sent her an email asking what is going on...it came back as blocked as well...so now she is obviously ghosting me...and taking away any hope I had of getting on feet...it is pretty messed up and scary...not even sure what to think or feel as it is just another shock...

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh Cash-

I am so so sorry...

These will be the reminders of why you’ve got to build your walls and refuse any attempts by her at reconciliation.

To my way of thinking, what she’s now doing is somehow “demonizing” you (in any way possible) to justify what she’s done.

There is NO logic to her actions... so please don’t even try to apply logical thinking to the whys of any of this... it just “is”.

You can send a text... that says something to the affect of “your action and dishonesty feel nearly unforgivable” (if you can mean it).  And when she unblocks you, and she WILL, she’ll then receive it.  How would that sit with you?

Ghosting is expected.  Especially since you expressed a desire to no longer hear details of what she’s doing.  She’s “punishing” you.  

Cash - please know that you deserve NONE of this abusive treatment.

Are there any friends or any other support people you can contact for interim financial assistance?  Please, please try to not lose all hope.  

Surrendering to selfish people like this cannot ever be an option.  Not like this, my friend.  Oh.  And from now on... please try and tell her NOTHING about your life, your feelings, etc.  go completely “grey rock”.

Also, no you did not trigger me.  So please don’t worry about that.

I am so deeply sorry.

Warmly,
Gems

[cash05458]

Gems, thank you for that...deep thanks and I am glad speaking so kindly with me hasn't triggered you.

No, there is noone to turn to financially for help...I am on my own...

I swear this girl wants me dead or homeless...
I can send her such a text...but to be honest I don't even think it would scratch the surface with her in the least...

If I get thru this, this is just another reason to completely and forever end this with this person...I can't imagine how she can even possibly do this. All she has done has been so terrible...but this just borders on evil...she is totally aware of the spot I am in and how dangerous it is...

[crushedagain]

When she decided to rip you off and leave you in a lurch, that to me was the lowest. Cheating on you is scummy, but she took it to a new level by cleaning out the account. That is truly unforgivable, and if it weren't a joint account I would file a police report. And she had the audacity to still talk to you after that, regaling you with stories of her sex "performances" for him? This woman is filth. That may sound harsh, but I mean it. You have been disrespected and assailed in countless ways.

[cash05458]

Thank you B53...I know you are right...I think sh egot scared of the ghosting thing as she claims it was "technical issue"...whatever, I dont really care...I am way past my point with her via anything ever returning via us...I also know she is pretty much just staying high on weed ALL the time...like waking up stoned at 4 oclock to eat another pot brownie and down another bottle of wine...if this move was, as she says, to figure out who she is, grow and be the woman she thinks she has kept stifled for so long...well, it doesn't seem to be working that way...if this is the time for 'positive" things in her life God help her...I can't...

[cash05458]

oops, meant Crushed...not B53 (tho I thank you as well)...yes, the cleaning out the bank account is just the ultimate game changer...especially in my vulnerable position...as for the new guy, well...he can have her...honest...all yours my man...I would like her to be fair at the end here to help via my own money...don't really want the police involved tho as those things almost always go haywire...but via any notion of there ever being an "US" has died for me...seriously, it is like she has regressed to a childhood little girl state...which baffles me at her age of 60...

[cash05458]

B53, Crushed and Gem...and any still reading...

I think the real danger for me is via a quick return...I know myself in this area at least...if she were to return, say next week or month or maybe even 2...I would be in danger of taking her back as the wounds are still so overwhelming...but I also know that say 5 or 6 months down the line, when the trauma wasn't so immediate, the danger would be practically nil...if that makes sense...I react to immediate stuff more than long term...with immediate trauma like this I lose my boundaries...after a decent amount of time, they return...six months from now her calling after, say going to england, finding out its not real or she still has feelings for me, I know my answer: it would be a hard and fast No...

In that sense, perhaps I need to look at the new "boyfriend" in such a manner...encourage it (to myself I mean...not her)...if that is the hook that leads her down the path to clear out these things and give me time to get to that point down the line, then perhaps it is an odd blessing... 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash-

There is ALWAYS the danger of us allowing our partners to return.  But that’s our issue... not theirs.  And that’s what you need to work HARD on, now.  Please ask yourself the “why’s”, the reasons that ANY OF THIS would sit ok with you.

Another thing I would ask of you... please try and stop referring to her as a “little girl”.  These behaviors do NOT in any way reflect those of little girls.  I was once a little girl.  And I NEVER once engaged in stealing money, lying, ghosting, screen sex.  So no.  Just NO.

THESE are the behaviors of a maladjusted adult who’s been married 5 times and has NEVER seen anything at all wrong with her behavior. EVER.

And she never will if people like us keep making it okay for her.

This is not an indictment of you.  I did it too.  Until I saw the dysfunction in me.  When I truly realized... “oh my GOD. now I disrespect MYSELF, the way he does me”.  And that’s what got me out.

You’ve got to ALLOW yourself to be okay without her.

And yes,  it’s been that kind of week.  I am truly sorry.

Hugs,
Gems

[brighter future]

oops, meant Crushed...not B53 (tho I thank you as well)...yes, the cleaning out the bank account is just the ultimate game changer...especially in my vulnerable position...as for the new guy, well...he can have her...honest...all yours my man...I would like her to be fair at the end here to help via my own money...don't really want the police involved tho as those things almost always go haywire...but via any notion of there ever being an "US" has died for me...seriously, it is like she has regressed to a childhood little girl state...which baffles me at her age of 60...

Hello, Cash. I meant to respond further to you a week ago, but I decided to take a little break from posting in the forum for a while. Stopping by is very beneficial to me, but if I spend too much time here it tends to set me back a little sometimes. I'm going to share some of my experiences with you in regards to pwBPD being child-like.

Before the uBPD ex-g/f that I told you about in prior posts, there was my BPD ex-wife. I did not learn that my ex-wife had BPD until 1-2 years after our divorce. It came out in a forensic psychologist's report during our final trial for the custody of our child when I was awarded majority custody. She never revealed the BPD diagnoses to me while we were married or during the separation (I left her). I was only aware of the eating disorders, major depression, PTSD, suicidal ideation, etc. After the birth of our child 8.5 years ago, all of these disorders came out in full force. Also in the psychologists report, I learned that all of these disorders originated back to when my ex-wife was a pre-teen and she never received any kind of treatment until after our daughter was born. I urged her to seek help. Eight and a half years later, she is still in and out of inpatient and outpatient treatment. Matter of fact, she just returned home from a 2 month inpatient stay in a facility out of state. These are lifelong disorders that will never go away, and she will need constant maintenance (therapy) of some kind.

I regards to your comment about your ex regressing to her childhood, that's one of the many traits of the disorder unfortunately. Sadly, people with BPD never really develop emotionally, and they have no sense of self. My ex-wife goes through strange stages like this. For instance, during late 2013 - 2015, when she was 32-33 years of age, she started dressing like a teenager. She frequented the teeny bopper stores Forever 21 and American Eagle and built up a whole new wardrobe while maxing out her credit cards in the process. During that time, she also began talking like a teenager and changed her dialect. It was very bizarre.

Fast forward to today, she dresses in a frumpy manner and wears clothing that are really not very flattering. In her spare time, she loves to watch animated Disney kids movies. When she was away at the treatment center she called our child to speak with her usually twice per week in the evenings. My daughter always puts the phone on speaker, so I usually hear the conversations. She told our daughter one night, "Momma has been laying her all evening watching Frozen 2 (Disney) and cuddling with her stuffed animals." This is coming from a woman that will be 39 in the coming months.

In comparison, my uBPD ex-g/f's rebound guy after me is her ex high school boyfriend's identical twin brother who she described to me as her first love. As I said before, he was her rebound after she left her ex-husband, and is her rebound once again after her relationship with me. I heard stuff from mutual friends in the months following our breakup. They said it was like she'd reverted back to her high school days. Supposedly for several months, I was told there were several juvenile social media posts from her about this new man including a lot of high school like selfies. She told two of our mutual friends that the rebound guy "Lost his job, car,  and driver's license last year to multiple DUIs. But, he has a job again and was able to finally buy a used car a while back." Our mutual friend said to hear her say all of this, it sounded like she was back in her high school days. She also bragged about hanging out with the her ex-b/f's family again via the twin brother that's her new (recycled) b/f and stated that her ex-b/f "doesn't have a problem with me dating his brother." I was told that she's friended all of that family on her social media just like she did with most of my family and friends when she was with me. All of my family has since removed her from their social media after what happened between her and I. They were baffled and some were quite angered at her actions, especially since she told several of them that she wanted to marry me. Supposedly most of her praise and adornment for the rebound guy started slacking off last September/October. That's when I started hearing from her again on and off. I guess the excitement for her and the honeymoon phase is starting to wear off. I am well beyond wanting her back, but at times I still feel anger towards her and him for the hookup right after our relationship ended. At times I've said to myself, "I hope he gets every bit of the BS that she inflicted on me, except I hope he gets a double dose of it." That's the thing that I'm working on and am trying to get over.

Hang in there and continue to take care of yourself and your needs. I hope that you can get it in with your physician, and she can help you out with some temporary meds to get you through this. I'll continue to keep track of your progress. Best wishes and Happy New Year.

[cash05458]

Gem, I am sorry about comparing to "little girls"...of course it isn't like that for younger...just mean the regression almost to this incredibly narcissistic state on her part...like she is some super delicate thing adn her emotions and how she "feels" are the only thing that matters to her. Of course even little girls and boys don't have that in that sense...very different.

I know what you mean about later. I am not trying to convince myself. I just mean now I am so weak, that is my danger period...and know myself after a good period that I have never "gone back"...of course those were not BPD's...and I have been damaged and tainted prolly...but still, at least that is my hope...that is all I mean by maybe it's just a good thing to get to that point if I can...so the more she is busy with another, I have time...and of course, I need to work on the NOW and everything that has unfolded...I am really trying to feel the anger as her actions have been frankly despicable...not hatred for her...but anger at all she has done and is still doing...I do want to work on the NOW and not count on the later if that makes sense...I am in the most dangerous place via that now as I am so shellshocked and traumatized by these things, no of last three weeks...

for some reason, yesterday and today (so far) have seemed much better in my head...I want that feeling to continue...it feels a little clearer to me and my responses now, these two days anyhow, have been more just kinda "this is such BS...this has gone so over the top in toxic craziness...I need relief from this crap" than overwhelming "oh my god, what is she doing? Is she talking to him now? how is she feeling about us?"   

As for me, trying to understand myself, my background, my now...as to why I have allowed this and my defense system seems practically nil...I want it back and I know I want this toxic person gone for good...toxic as a term is thrown around a lot...but via her actions, she is truly toxic for me...

[cash05458]

Brighter, thank you for that. Reading your account is terrible. I will try to learn for that.

I am thankful for one thing...there are no children involved here...I can see myself justifying about anything if kids were involved...and god knows I am justifying too much now via not feeling anger...

[brighter future]

Brighter, thank you for that. Reading your account is terrible. I will try to learn for that.

I am thankful for one thing...there are no children involved here...I can see myself justifying about anything if kids were involved...and god knows I am justifying too much now via not feeling anger...

When children are involved, it makes things so much more difficult. Thankfully my daughter was only a baby when all of the bad stuff was going on. She was too young to have any recollection of that, and she has no memory of my ex-wife and I living together as a married couple. She knows that her mother and I are divorced, and she'll ask me questions at times about being married to her mother, where we lived, etc. It was awkward when my ex-wife was gone away to treatment for two months. She would tell me time to time that she didn't understand why her mother had been gone for two months "Mom told me she would only be gone for one month." The way her mother explained it to her, my daughter was under the impression that my ex-wife went out of state for work purposes. Like your ex, my ex-wife has had several jobs and has frequent conflict with co-workers and subordinates, which is typical of the disorder.

I'm sure you've said to yourself, how in the world did BF get into two relationships like this in a row? I've finally figured this out since I started therapy last May. When I was five years old, I suffered some childhood trauma at the hands of a non family member. I never told anyone and never sought any treatment for it. The only person I ever told was the ex-girlfriend that I broke up with 8 months ago. She told me about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her uncle as a child. At that time, I felt compelled to get out what I had went through as a young child (and I trusted her), so I shared that with her. This past May I decided to deal with it once and for all in therapy with a professional. My ex-g/f, on the other hand, refuses to deal with it professionally and keeps it buried, and it still haunts her to this day. I pray that one day she will seek help for this.

I feel like what happened to me as a child really hurt my self-confidence and hurt my ability to trust people in certain situations. When I met my ex-wife, I was 30 years old. I had dated several women but had never been engaged. She and I married just before my 32nd birthday. While I loved her, there was a voice inside my head saying that something wasn't quite right. I ignored that voice and married her anyway. I felt like I was getting a bit older, and it was getting more unlikely that I'd find someone to spend my life with. Looking back I should have listened to that voice in my head. I did get a beautiful child out of the marriage who is bright, mentally healthy and happy. Several of us believe that she knows there is something that's not quite right with her mother. One day when she's a bit older, I'm going to have to try explaining things to her in a loving manner.

I thought my ex-g/f was different from my ex-wife because she told me most of her problems in the beginning and throughout the relationship. There was also the fact that we'd each had a crush on each other for 20 years and never did anything about it. That part also clouded my judgement.  She told me stories about being with multiple men before her marriage and had the rebound right after she left her ex-husband. During that time (after her divorce), she was also talking with 3 other guys from her high school days and was even sexting with one of them. She stated that's not who she really was and didn't want to be that person. I saw it as a red flag, then ignored it and proceeded with the relationship. Once again, I was repeating the same behaviors that I had with my ex-wife due to my childhood trauma that I kept inside and never dealt with until I was 43. I felt like I couldn't do better for myself, so I stayed in that relationship and felt like I could fix my ex-g/f. I've made a promise to myself to put a stop to my behavior of getting in these types of relationships, stop rescuing people, and to learn how to fix myself. Hopefully one day I'll get there. This is actually the first time I've acknowledged my childhood trauma in this forum. I've failed to do that in any of the my own threads.