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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Transitioning from partner to carer after initiating a breakup with bpd ex  (Read 536 times)
TerribleHats

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« on: December 29, 2020, 04:57:49 AM »

Hey all,

I recently initiated a breakup with my BPD partner. They were diagnosed many years ago and have undergone a fair bit of therapy. Unfortunately, it still didn't workout for us, although we made an insane amount of progress together; they're an amazing human being and I have been floored by their ability to grow and adapt. In all honesty it sort of humbled me and put my own problems into perspective. BPD wasn't the only issue, we were just very different people, but I fear BPD will be a big factor in how they process the breakup courtesy of the abandonment fulfillment.
 
I understand this is going to be incredibly hard for them, even though it has been a short relationship, (and me too) and I have elected not to go NC. Instead, going for phone and chat contact only for now. Worried that in person could incur a rage episode or other dissasociative response. Immediately after the breakup I contacted their counsellor and let them know I had done it and to be extra supportive, and amazingly they have been.  I don't want reconciliation, and there was no animosity (touch wood, as it's early days) in the separation. Fairly amicable. I thing they'd been sabotaging it for a while anyway. 

They were never particularly abusive, manipulative or cruel, and they do have a reasonable support network aside from me.

I am hoping to make the transition from partner to care taker while they recover and find someone new.
  • I can say with conviction that I won't be pulled back in by promises and sex. This was a very carefully considered decision
  • I'm worried NC will cause more self-injurious behaviour and make them shame spiral.
  • They do not vilify their exes, although they don't get the white treatment either
  • I'd be happy to have them as a friend
  • I am worried it will lead them on, and delay their healing, even though I have been clear there will be no romantic continuation.
  • I'm happy to do some emotional work from a distance so they don't feel so devastatingly alone.

I'm aware NC is typically advised, even by therapists, but it feels unnecessarily cruel here. Has anyone done this successfully, or have any relevant advice?
« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 05:06:07 AM by TerribleHats » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2020, 10:10:44 AM »

Hi TerribleHats,

Welcome

We have an Senior Ambassador that is in contact with his exuBPDw because they have kids together. It’s tricky to go Nc with kids but most ( including myself ) or in controlled contact. Similarly to what you’re proposing here but you want to maintain a r/s ( non romantic )

I can understand that T’s will suggest NC but you said that he wasn’t manipulative or cruel. I don’t think that there’s a one size fits all approach because every situation is different and the pwBPD are different.
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TerribleHats

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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2020, 07:19:19 PM »

Thanks, that's somewhat reassuring.

My intention is to slowly ween them off of me, increasing reply times slowly but still being kind and consistent with them and listening and caring where possible.

I worry this will turn out a little bit like the TV show 'You' so I'm keeping all my windows and doors locked just in case until the obsession is lifted / replaced.
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2021, 09:45:27 PM »

I'm noticing the addiction to the communication is still there, even though I'm not starting any of it. Jumping at receiving messages, always checking my phone, even though the dopamine rush isn't what it was when i do get them. Like some sort of conditioning is fading, slowly but surely. Messages from other people are usually fleeting interests by comparison.

Introducing space seems to have worked quite well. I don't have any interest in catching up or anything. There is less energy spent on their end trying to get me to come see them too lately which is nice. Less sexual bait too now that they know it doesn't work the way they want it to. No rages yet, only a little bit of dysregulation.

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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2021, 01:50:46 PM »

Good to hear things are going smoothly. Keep us updated  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2021, 10:34:02 PM »

Yes keep us posted, please? Am just about to embark on   something similar - transitioning from lovers to friends with the greatest of love and respect - so curious to learn how it is going.
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2021, 01:16:43 AM »

it sounds like you have really thought this through.

lots of people have successfully detached through limited contact or controlled contact, or steadily decreased contact.

im interested to know what "caretaker" entails in this context. it is challenging, to say the least, for a person to transition from ex romantic partner to a caretaker.
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2021, 03:58:17 PM »

OR, you spoke a true word there!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2021, 04:18:07 AM »

it sounds like you have really thought this through.

lots of people have successfully detached through limited contact or controlled contact, or steadily decreased contact.

im interested to know what "caretaker" entails in this context. it is challenging, to say the least, for a person to transition from ex romantic partner to a caretaker.

Caretaker in this context has been open lines of communication so they can strive for closure and limit their self-loathing. Doing a lot of validating and truth statements.

My pwBPD was diagnosed and quite self aware. Youd think this would help, but what it actually did was add layers of confusion and hope to the problem. First they'd have the volatile reaction, and then they'd realise it was inappropriate and punish themselves. This punishment would eventually flow onto me. My caretaking here has been trying to short circuit the self-punishment phase through dialogue, so that they can work through their feelings, and I can work through mine, without getting stuck in that self-hating bottleneck.

I had a friend who acted a lot like my ex did, thinking back, and I remember how much they would complain to me about someone just... ghosting them, or not replying at all. It drove them into absolute crazy town. I know how it feels, we all do. I also remember this friend had an ex who they remembered well because they retained a healthy, boundaried communication. I was really just trying to mirror that breakup because of the similarities I saw in them as people.

Again I can do this because I havent been the victim of much malice or destructive behaviour and because i feel Much safer around them with a lot of phyiscal distance between us.

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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2021, 04:26:43 AM »

Also, I'm being boring. really boring. and unattractive. Nothing exciting ever.
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2021, 07:38:53 AM »

Terrible Hats,you sound like such a caring person. What you are doing is really sweet.I take note what you say about boring, I am definitely going to try that.  
 I must say, exactly the same is  happening with my pwBPD, really the process of accepting the diagnosis, becoming aware of the dysregulations and practicing to control them leaves her no emotional energy for a relationship.  I can't find it in myself to get too sad about it because to see her getting better is such a joy. While the friendzone allows me to focus on getting my needs met.
I found a great trick with the social media. Every time I am tempted to go onto her page I go onto Co- dependency Anonymous page instead. Works like a charm. Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: January 16, 2021, 07:45:17 AM by khibomsis » Logged

 
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2021, 07:48:25 AM »

Lol Terrible Hats,you sound like a dream partner!  I must say, exactly the same is  happening with my pwBPD, really the process of accepting the diagnosis, becoming aware of the dysregulations and practicing to control them leaves her no emotional energy for a relationship.  I can't find it in myself to get too sad about it because to see her getting better is such a joy. While the friendzone allows me to focus on getting my needs met.
I found a great trick with the social media. Every time I am tempted to go onto her page I go onto Co- dependency Anonymous page instead. Works like a charm.

The point you made about them 'practicing control leaving no room for the relationship' really resonated with me! Mine worked so hard at regulating themselves & using dbt skills, that they ended up exhausted and wrecked. Will always love them for that. Put more effort into the r/s than I did, to be honest. the relationship was just one enormous catalyst for them unfortunately and I could see it running them into the ground.

What I'm trying to do ultimately is enable them to find someone that makes them happy but give them enough support to not feel totally empty in the in-between. So I'm there for them if they need someone to talk to on a night out for drinks, via phone to ease anxiety, even though I'm desperately hoping they meet someone cool before they get a chance to reply.
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2021, 08:03:33 AM »

there is a part of me, a large part, that will be distraught when they eventually stop contacting me on the regular.

And there is another part of me, nascent but there, that licks its lips at the taste of freedom.
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« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2021, 02:01:58 PM »

O Terrible Hats, I don't think she will ever quite stop phoning.  Fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disease so you may depend on her checking just to make sure you're still there. And in being there you will do your bit to support her healing. 
The better you are the more solid the support you can offer. Also , I am a firm believer that it is not the form that matters so much as  the substance. Expect the confusion and the hope to remain, as well as the dysregulations. Hopefully the friendzone will prove safer for you in dealing with those. 
Indeed coming back from a dysregulation proved to be our major challenge too. If you would like to post actual exchanges we are many here who can help refine the micro level, in which so much of BPD is managed?
You will find it has to be managed, whether as friend or as lover. I found that dealing with my own complex PTSD was the way to enable myself to be a good support to both myself and her.  Have you considered therapy to help you through  these difficult times?
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« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2021, 04:22:26 PM »

O Terrible Hats, I don't think she will ever quite stop phoning.  Fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disease so you may depend on her checking just to make sure you're still there. And in being there you will do your bit to support her healing.  
The better you are the more solid the support you can offer. Also , I am a firm believer that it is not the form that matters so much as  the substance. Expect the confusion and the hope to remain, as well as the dysregulations. Hopefully the friendzone will prove safer for you in dealing with those.  
Indeed coming back from a dysregulation proved to be our major challenge too. If you would like to post actual exchanges we are many here who can help refine the micro level, in which so much of BPD is managed?
You will find it has to be managed, whether as friend or as lover. I found that dealing with my own complex PTSD was the way to enable myself to be a good support to both myself and her.  Have you considered therapy to help you through  these difficult times?

I mostly experiencing low level gas lighting at the moment, but nothing malicious. They just want reassurance that I still care I think, and they do it with maladaptive behaviour. Was never an issue in person and very rarely over text because I could disengage, but can be an issue when over phone, so I avoid phone calls now as a general rule. This helps to displace distance too.

You're right about dealing with dysregulation and the fear of abandonment causing them to circle back. It's easier to handle the dysregulation via the friendzone, and I'm happy to be a consistent supply of kindness for someone who sometimes forgets they're a good person.

I started attending therapy mid-way through our r/s when I realized it was getting rocky, and I work on myself to the point of fault I think with a lot of external hobbies. One of our issues was how little time I paid to the dysregulations when they happened - which I think saved me but accelerated the r/s demise, which was good of course haha.

Thus far I think I've gotten out of this very, very lightly which is why I'm able to show kindness rather than self-preserve via NC.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2021, 04:28:46 PM by TerribleHats » Logged
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« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2021, 03:07:02 AM »

Caretaker in this context has been open lines of communication so they can strive for closure and limit their self-loathing. Doing a lot of validating and truth statements.

okay. so youre looking to let her down easy while pulling away in the process.

i admire that. its not an easy path for a grieving and hurting person. it is a possible, if rocky one.

its important (critical) to be realistic in terms of not only what it looks like, but the effects on you.

its important to know that the relationship has fundamentally changed forever, in dramatic ways. you are an ex romantic partner. you arent a prospective romantic partner. you arent (looking to ultimately be) a friend or family. you arent a therapist. you are an ex romantic partner seeking to make the break as easy as it can be on both of you. if i havent accurately surmised your goals, please correct me; being clear on those things is critical too.

if you have hope, this will tend not to work for either of you. both of you will tend to be led on. youre an ex romantic partner, but a recent one; the grieving is not fully done on either side, and the struggle over that can look an awful lot like the same old conflict from the relationship.
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« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2021, 04:06:10 PM »

okay. so youre looking to let her down easy while pulling away in the process.

i admire that. its not an easy path for a grieving and hurting person. it is a possible, if rocky one.

its important (critical) to be realistic in terms of not only what it looks like, but the effects on you.

its important to know that the relationship has fundamentally changed forever, in dramatic ways. you are an ex romantic partner. you arent a prospective romantic partner. you arent (looking to ultimately be) a friend or family. you arent a therapist. you are an ex romantic partner seeking to make the break as easy as it can be on both of you. if i havent accurately surmised your goals, please correct me; being clear on those things is critical too.

if you have hope, this will tend not to work for either of you. both of you will tend to be led on. youre an ex romantic partner, but a recent one; the grieving is not fully done on either side, and the struggle over that can look an awful lot like the same old conflict from the relationship.

That sums it up accurately: I have no hope nor any interest in reconciliation and won't be exploiting it for anything casual either.
The relationship dynamic became fundamentally one-sided and unhealthy, and after trying all the strategies I could research/think about to make it sustainable it became necessary to move on before we got really entangled.

You're very right about the struggle over a lost relationship mirroring the old one. When dysregulation does happen, it's super familiar.

As the only dependence they had on me was emotional, I feel like maintaining the olive branch is a healthy thing to do.
Lately I've noticed a downtick in communication which has been nice. It has also been easier for me to experience too.
They're quite attractive so I don't forsee them having difficulty moving on when it feels right to.

My emotions & feels are ok now but I'm still pre-occupied like a lot of us are I guess with learning to accept the reality of BPD.
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« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2021, 07:02:50 AM »

Radical acceptance is pretty much a revolution on its own. In a way it is easier to do while somewhat detached (I worked on it early last year while we were in separate cities -LDR. Sounds weird but true Smiling (click to insert in post)  I guess the thing with dysregulations, the events leading up to them, and so on, is that it requires a lot of emotional attention. And that distracts us from the necessary emotional work. Things began to cool around my pwBPD when I realized just how much emotional attention she was getting from behaving badly. That is when I started to draw the boundaries that may eventually have contributed to the break up. 
Keeping a consistent distance is key. They will push and pull, even in the friendzone.  Yet again another thing demanding attention.

How are you doing? Are you beginning to be able to think about what drew you into this relationship? 

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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2021, 07:05:41 PM »

Radical acceptance is pretty much a revolution on its own. In a way it is easier to do while somewhat detached (I worked on it early last year while we were in separate cities -LDR. Sounds weird but true Smiling (click to insert in post)  I guess the thing with dysregulations, the events leading up to them, and so on, is that it requires a lot of emotional attention. And that distracts us from the necessary emotional work. Things began to cool around my pwBPD when I realized just how much emotional attention she was getting from behaving badly. That is when I started to draw the boundaries that may eventually have contributed to the break up. 
Keeping a consistent distance is key. They will push and pull, even in the friendzone.  Yet again another thing demanding attention.

How are you doing? Are you beginning to be able to think about what drew you into this relationship? 



I've been thinking a lot about what drew me in. Aside from the attractiveness of that person, there was a 'timing' to it. They happened to come along when I was grasping at straws. I also remember seeing the red flags and ignoring them, thinking that I liked people who were different.  Now I know what differences I should try my best to be more wary of.

I've been looking at lot at my personality traits too.

I've been tentatively dipping my toes back in the dating pool recently and can see a lot of personality disorder-themed red flags a mile away. I think this has made me a much more emotionally intuitive person. God do I feel jaded though! Normal people aren't lighting the spark for me. Maybe I just need time. To take a leaf from the DBT therapy books, I now am wary of anyone that ignites excitement, and try to give more normal interactions a bit more time to evolve. My primary physician and TP always encourage me to look for something reliable and stable.

Communication has been good recently, staying at arms reach.
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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2021, 10:45:26 PM »

So happy to hear that communication is going better! There is something about consistent distance that helps to stabilize them too, as they begin to trust that you will be there though you are not push/pull dancing with them.
Sounds like you have done a lot of the grieving work, good. And there are great parts to the relationship too, you got into therapy because of it and are able to work on your stuff.
I recognize the urge to be attracted to excitement Smiling (click to insert in post) I have it too. The four major relationships of my adult life: 1 CPTSD/alcoholic, another alcoholic, an Asperger's and a BPD. I love pain! Guess its my traumatic childhood with uBPD mom, because really, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and would probably walk right past it if it came to greet me. Keeping my nose to the grindstone in therapy while I work on this thing, too scared to do anything but window shop yet because clearly I am not good for myself.
I am going through all the red flags I should have picked up from the beginning, and realizing just how naive I was.. Depressing work but tremendously helpful. Like you I am growing more able to pick it up in others and that is slowly giving me some confidence.
Keep on keeping on Terrible Hats. It gets easier with time
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« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2021, 06:42:37 AM »

So happy to hear that communication is going better! There is something about consistent distance that helps to stabilize them too, as they begin to trust that you will be there though you are not push/pull dancing with them.
Sounds like you have done a lot of the grieving work, good. And there are great parts to the relationship too, you got into therapy because of it and are able to work on your stuff.
I recognize the urge to be attracted to excitement Smiling (click to insert in post) I have it too. The four major relationships of my adult life: 1 CPTSD/alcoholic, another alcoholic, an Asperger's and a BPD. I love pain! Guess its my traumatic childhood with uBPD mom, because really, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and would probably walk right past it if it came to greet me. Keeping my nose to the grindstone in therapy while I work on this thing, too scared to do anything but window shop yet because clearly I am not good for myself.
I am going through all the red flags I should have picked up from the beginning, and realizing just how naive I was.. Depressing work but tremendously helpful. Like you I am growing more able to pick it up in others and that is slowly giving me some confidence.
Keep on keeping on Terrible Hats. It gets easier with time

An update:

it has been the better part of two weeks worth of declining contact. The limited responses I've been giving them have finally started working, they're not trying as hard now to reach out, and when they do, it's more of a 'ping', a 'hey you still there?' than any meaningful or objective-orientated thing.
I've struggled a bit with this and it is honestly preoccupying me more than it should or I would like it to. I guess the reality of losing the attention has been hard for me too. The peace and quiet though, the autonomy as I sit here and enjoy it, is 100% worth it.

Throughout the day I will periodically concern myself with what they might be doing or who they might be with, and then I re-immerse myself in my work or hobbies which I'm trying to consume myself with and am getting a lot of satisfaction from.

Still no malice from their end, just feels like a long and protracted goodbye. I think the heartbreak is finally setting in now as I'm not as scared of them now that there is some distance between us, which is letting the fight / flight response fade away a bit.

Only now am I appreciating how ... impactful that relationship was. I don't want to throw around words like toxic or traumatic yet, but it was definitely something, the good and the bad both were.
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« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2021, 06:47:00 AM »

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« Reply #22 on: February 07, 2021, 01:31:37 AM »

Hey, TH, good to hear from you! Yes, indeed these relationships really are something, many on these boards say that the intensity gets addictive.  It requires long periods of silent contemplation before we can learn to be in "normal" relationships again. Kind of like drinking herbal tea after being addicted to caffeine, it is good for you but tastes like nothing  Smiling (click to insert in post)
I am glad to hear that distance is giving you a chance to reflect and find some peace. You are doing well. Yes, it will still hurt, but it is a productive pain. It will lead somewhere, whereas the pain of walking on landmines never does.
 It is an interesting dynamic, that as we get further away from the triggering of PTSD, we are able to calm down and appreciate the good parts we miss. Suffering, yes, but paradoxically the very reason you can feel the pain is because you are far enough away to be able to be in touch with your emotions. I am going through the same thing. Now that I am safe I am having delayed reactions, the more I recover the more I feel. Helluva situation.  I deal with it by telling myself they are just emotions, let them flow through me. And chant a mantra or two, or a hundred. Eventually the grief subsides.
See, I told you she will keep calling. Just keep being on the other side. That is all you have to do. You will get through this.
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« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2021, 12:58:59 AM »

I also remember seeing the red flags and ignoring them, thinking that I liked people who were different.  Now I know what differences I should try my best to be more wary of.

I've been looking at lot at my personality traits too.

I've been tentatively dipping my toes back in the dating pool recently and can see a lot of personality disorder-themed red flags a mile away. I think this has made me a much more emotionally intuitive person. God do I feel jaded though!

i think the vast majority of us experience this. if i have one piece of advice, its that healthy dating is not about avoidance. its about knowing precisely what youre seeking, and being a man that can attract it, and the more confident (less avoidant or fearful) you are, the more that occurs. likewise, the bad stuff is naturally filtered out. you may be attracted to something - you cant generally make that go away - but not so drawn toward it.

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I guess the reality of losing the attention has been hard for me too.

its the reality of grieving  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2021, 06:13:57 PM »

I'm curious as to how all this went down. I'm in a very similar situation with my GF who I'd bet anything has BPD, though she hasn't gotten diagnosed, and I don't think she knows what BPD is.

She has generally speaking tried her absolute best to not let her issues affect me in any way. She works really hard to make this relationship work. She has never intentionally done anything to wrong me. She has managed to, even without therapy, build coping mechanisms and techniques to help her function. She is pretty motivated, pursuing her career and hobbies, unlike some of the other pwBPD I see on this board. I think my presence in her life is a stabilizing force that has given her an opportunity to grow as a person.

But I just feel like I'm her caretaker these days, and not so much her partner. Despite her efforts and how far she's come, I still have to give so much to take care of her, and she clings onto me so much at times that I feel suffocated. I can't have my own life when I'm with her, and I can't imagine being like this the rest of my life without losing myself. This is compounded by the fact that I work very long hours, and have personal obligations of my own - I legitimately have no time for myself to relax, as I'm either working, taking care of stuff I need to do, or spending time with her.

I still love her immensely and care for her. She is very important to me. I don't want to hurt her. Especially considering how much time and effort she has put into our relationship as well as improving herself, she will take it very negatively, that she wasn't enough even despite her herculean efforts to get to where she is. I don't want to feed into her fears of abandonment and hopelessness that apparently used to rule her life years ago, before she met me.

I don't really know how to proceed right now
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khibomsis
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« Reply #25 on: March 04, 2021, 03:25:54 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) gfhlddka, and welcome to the family!  While we wait for TH to respond, I hope he doesn't mind a little thread hijacking Smiling (click to insert in post)
It is hard what you are going through, break ups are a terrible thing. My therapist likens it to a little death, and indeed it is an incredible amount of grieving.

My advice to you is to be really sure you want to break up. I hear your reservations and indeed being a perpetual carer rather than an equal partner  is not something one would choose. But trying to be a friend through a breakup is an incredibly difficult task which will be undermined if you are not firm in your resolve.  

In my case it is working because we are really finished with the relationship. There are very realistic reasons why we cannot be together and that strengthens our resolve even when its hard. I tell myself it is a kindness to be firm and I am sure so does she.
It would definitely be easier on me to be totally no contact (NC). I have to force myself to be supportive even when what I want to deal with is my own emotions. I tell myself it is true love, that is to care even when there is no hope of getting my needs met. We are now 7 weeks post breakup and in true BPD fashion she is already interviewing my replacement. I have to be very boundaried, I mean, we are friends but not that friendly, I do not want to hear about it. However, it does mean that the end is in sight, hopefully when the replacement is hooked up I will be able to ease out of the situation and focus more on my needs.

Despite the difficulties, I am glad we are doing it this way. I would not have been able to live with the guilt had she felt abandoned while she is doing all the right things.

It works for me because I have a very strong support network of friends and family. I haven't told them about the BPD but they are there for me in many other ways. We are both in therapy with really great therapists. The emotional work can be hard but it means I am coming at it from a position of strength.

And these boards, of course. Incredible support and caring here. I hope you find yourself as much at home in BPD family as I did Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: March 04, 2021, 03:31:16 AM by khibomsis » Logged

 
glhfddka
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« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2021, 07:24:53 AM »

Thanks for the info!

I hope they're able to "replace" me with someone else quickly. I don't want them to be alone. But I worry that this isn't a sustainable solution. She already feels worn out from all her failed relationships. She's (we've both) invested so much time and energy into ours, and if it fails, I think she will be very desperate and depressed, and will burn herself out looking for a romantic partner to be with forever.

I am also worried because when we've talked about breaking up a few times, she hinted at the fact that she was growing weary of trying and starting over so many times, and she thinks maybe she shouldn't have ever existed in the first place.
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khibomsis
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« Reply #27 on: March 06, 2021, 12:24:10 AM »

 gfhlddka, I am sorry to hear you have been through such a tough time! Listening to somebody else's suicide threats is not a good way to spend your life. Next time, call 911. It is too big for you too handle, it needs trained professionals.
Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to be friends after the break-up. You are already in conflict about the relationship and that is not going to lessen if you break up.
Another consideration is that it takes the same skills to be friends as it does to be partners. Would you be open to going on to the bettering boards and learning skills to reduce the levels of conflict?
The question I ask myself is why is she not in therapy? Why aren't you?
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TerribleHats

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« Reply #28 on: April 25, 2021, 05:35:25 AM »

I owe this community an update.

Things have been quiet, and going good. It has been months since we've seen one another. I miss my ex-partner more than I'd like to admit, but that's ok. They  keep in contact but the windows without contact are growing.

I feel like this is what you might call 'compassionate detachment'. For their part, no torrents of abuse, or showing up uninvited, they've been kind and responsive, and the dysregulations... well I haven't seen / been subjected to one in 4 or 5 weeks, maybe more! For my part, whenever they contact, I'm kind, positive, an active listener, and validating as much as possible. I still practice SET-UP, but in a more compassionate way, instead of in a crisis-management role. Keeping contact to text has been empowering.

Validation is a big thing, and I honestly think that's why they've felt safe growing apart, because I have made it an absolute priority to consistently validate and show kindness when they do reach out, without asking for more. They still try and break boundaries a lot, but it's at a 1/10th of the force it was a few months ago.

I miss the incessant attention, but I love my free time. I'm working on myself a lot, and identifying areas which I need to fix beyond the normal 'self-care' regimen. My health is good, and I'm in the best shape of my life.

I'm still doing that thing where I frequently check my phone for a message hoping it's from them (every time i get a message it's my impulse) despite not really wanting to make contact or talk about anything, but it isn't overwhelming. To date, I haven't yet many anyone else that ignites any fire inside me. That's ok, I guard that fire pretty closely now and I'm happy to be as fussy as I feel like.

This has been my most difficult breakup, at least in active memory. I believe that's because there hasn't been a clean break.
For the record, I'm happy with my decision no to go total NC, even though it has been hard. Super hard sometimes.



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« Reply #29 on: May 02, 2021, 10:01:57 AM »

This has been my most difficult breakup, at least in active memory. I believe that's because there hasn't been a clean break.
For the record, I'm happy with my decision no to go total NC, even though it has been hard. Super hard sometimes.

theres no easy way to do it.

sometimes "compassionate detachment" aka "detaching with grace" (when one can) can be the best approach...it lets the attachment simmer, and it minimizes drama. definitely a big emotional challenge, though.
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