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Author Topic: he's been drinking a lot, I spoke about it and he flipped and left  (Read 3178 times)
blackorchid
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« Reply #30 on: June 12, 2021, 02:23:20 PM »

That’s a good quote


I’ll re read the lessons on here  and try to just keep busy during this time and look after me.


I know I can’t set a boundary now when he’s dysregulated as to I won’t accept this behaviour and him leaving.  Actually I have told him that in the past. After he did it in 2019


I’ll try the set message today and see what happens. The better one by you baby ducks  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Everyone is telling me to just leave him and I get it from their side. They don’t like seeing me hurt when he does this. Part of me is wondering if I should just call it quits this time. I’m getting to old to do this again and again.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #31 on: June 12, 2021, 11:49:50 PM »

That’s a good quote


I’ll re read the lessons on here  and try to just keep busy during this time and look after me.


I know I can’t set a boundary now when he’s dysregulated as to I won’t accept this behaviour and him leaving.  Actually I have told him that in the past. After he did it in 2019
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babyducks
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« Reply #32 on: June 13, 2021, 06:39:51 AM »

I know I can’t set a boundary now when he’s dysregulated as to I won’t accept this behaviour and him leaving.  Actually I have told him that in the past. After he did it in 2019

maybe start with something smaller?   something less difficult?   something you might find more useful now?

what is going on right now that you could validate?   how are you at validating?   

Everyone is telling me to just leave him and I get it from their side. They don’t like seeing me hurt when he does this. Part of me is wondering if I should just call it quits this time. I’m getting to old to do this again and again.

how do you feel when people tell you to leave?    how do you feel when think about calling it quits?
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blackorchid
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« Reply #33 on: June 13, 2021, 01:45:54 PM »

Oh I’m not sure how that posted twice.

I’m not too sure right now what to validate.  I’ll have a think and a read.

Part of me gets it. They don’t understand why I stay and they don’t like seeing me upset. People think I say BPD as an excuse. My sister doesn’t believe it. Says he’s just a nasty manipulative person and I get a lot of I told you so. Which doesn’t help. In fact it makes me feel worse.

I know they have my best interest at heart and that I deserve better than feeling this way


I’m very mixed emotions right now. One second I can feel ok with it and think I deserve more than this and something more stable and the next I’m totally not ok.

He responded to the SET message that thanks but he is working and he won’t have a day off this week and he doesn’t want to see me and he doesn’t want to fight.

Later he added forget everything there is no more us.
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babyducks
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« Reply #34 on: June 14, 2021, 04:40:26 AM »

He responded to the SET message that thanks but he is working and he won’t have a day off this week and he doesn’t want to see me and he doesn’t want to fight.

Later he added forget everything there is no more us.

that's probably the best response you were going to get to a set message right now.   he didn't rage and he didn't threaten.    let's look at the later addition, of forget everything.    what do you think was going on with that?   why did he add that?    what was he doing by adding that?    dig deep.    look at the way it played out.    what was going on?    how would you describe the late addition?   do you see it as manipulative?    do you see it as something else?   to apply the right tool you need to know what you are applying it too.

Part of me gets it. They don’t understand why I stay and they don’t like seeing me upset. People think I say BPD as an excuse. My sister doesn’t believe it. Says he’s just a nasty manipulative person and I get a lot of I told you so. Which doesn’t help. In fact it makes me feel worse.

having a mental illness does not mean you are not responsible for your behavior.  having a mental illness does not mean you get to behave any old way and its okay.    our partners having a mental illness does not mean we should allow them to run over us like a freight train.  having an addiction doesn't mean being financially irresponsible is okay.   

you have heard of the definition of insanity right blackorchid?   insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.   one of you in the relationship has to do the very hard work of changing.   changing to either make the relationship the very best it can be and protecting yourself from the worst or changing to stop this slow rolling cycle of destruction you are on.

can it be you?

'ducks
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« Reply #35 on: June 14, 2021, 08:42:57 PM »

Hi Blackorchid,

BabyDucks raised so many good questions.

And if I remember this correctly, your rollercoaster  with him started already many,  many years ago?

Despite of the rollercoaster, I understood that you were lately even planning  to get married.

You told that your family and friends do not like him, not the way he treats you.

Now,  could you please really think about why do YOU like
Him?

What is so very special in him?

How does he support you?

Could he hone the best out of you?

Would he be a good farther ( if you want kids)


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blackorchid
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« Reply #36 on: June 15, 2021, 09:08:59 AM »

Hi Vinceta, 

Yes this rollercoaster began a very long time ago. Back then I think I stayed because I was in a dark place and wanted to help him too. I dunno. I’m trying to find an online therapist to help me see clearly why


Turks are different to us westerners and everyone says the same thing that marriage means something more here. Then it means committed. For me it’s not actually an issue. We live like a married couple and for me that is enough. He longs to me married. I think that kept him grounded last year actually.

When he is stable my family and friends also like him. It’s when he does this they don’t. He is a good guy when stable and we have a nice relationship

Baby ducks yes that’s the best I could hope for from a SET message right now. I think he added the forget everything because maybe he was looking for a reaction from me and also because he has messaged me today and told me that he has a new home. So here we go with that one again. He won’t tell me any details. Said he wants to come and collect some of his things today. That “he doesn’t need to talk to me”. So he doesn’t care if I need to talk. When I added in working from home all day today so it would be nice to see you. He sent a very angry voice message saying why am I always trying to provoke him and to make him angry. Why am I always trying to anger him. Without me in his life he’s not angry. I’m the source of all his anger.


I know this isn’t true as he’s also had arguments the past few weeks with his family. And is barely talking to them. His mum called today and theyre at a loss for what to do. They all live hours away. I didn’t know when he did this in 2019 he blocked them all from calls and removed himself from the family groups  on social media. I remember too that he did the same to old friends. So his family don’t want to say anything to him as they fear being blocked.

The only change I can’t see baby ducks is this time I don’t let him back. His mum says don’t let him back without therapy.

I’m tired. Since we got engaged Xmas 2019. Things have been really good. A few bumps but I navigating them and we were fine. Due to Covid all my expat friends have moved home. I can’t get home due to Covid restrictions and so no one can visit me too. I just feel depleted, lonely and utterly worn out
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« Reply #37 on: June 15, 2021, 03:06:50 PM »

What does anyone make of the fact that he keeps saying that he wants to come and get some clothes. But then he doesn’t turn up. Again today he didn’t come, he said it 3 times last week but didn’t come.

Any thoughts?
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babyducks
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« Reply #38 on: June 16, 2021, 04:45:33 AM »

What does anyone make of the fact that he keeps saying that he wants to come and get some clothes. But then he doesn’t turn up. Again today he didn’t come, he said it 3 times last week but didn’t come.

Any thoughts?

What do you say to him when he tells you he is coming to get some clothes?

Can you say a little more how that conversation plays out?
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« Reply #39 on: June 17, 2021, 07:56:52 AM »

So on Tuesday  he wrote I will come and take some of my things and then I will come another day for me. Is it ok?
I said ok what time. He said he didn’t know. Asked if I was in or out all day. I said in. He didn’t respond

Monday night. he asked if I could pack some of his clothes or if he could come when I’m not home. Then said he had a new home. I said he can come whenever he want and what new home. No response.  Hours later he added he wants his things nothing else.


Monday morning can I come and collect some clothes but I don’t want to see you because I don’t want to argue. I said I don’t want to argue either. He said it’s too late. Then no more messages till Monday night.

Saturday morning he asked me to pack his stuff and if not put it in the bin. I sent the SET message and that was why he responded. Saturday very late he said he needs to come and get some clothes but he can’t because he is scared of me. I asked why is he scared of me. He said because I argue ( he constantly starts arguing not me. If I leave the room he continues raging to an empty room). I said it’s your home you can come whenever you want

Last Monday he said he would think about therapy. Couples therapy. Then after Wednesday he started talking about starting a new life.



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« Reply #40 on: June 17, 2021, 08:28:21 AM »

I forgot to write. This morning he wrote can I take the TV box. Or will you use it. I said you can take whatever you want. He said I’m only talking to you about my things. Not about us because we are finished. I don’t want to block you, if you make me angry I will block you. I asked where are you staying. If you have nowhere to stay I can ask a friend to stay at hers because she’s going abroad for 2 weeks. He said he has a house. He want to take his things. Don’t make him angry. Don’t create problems. If you make one more problem in the house I will call the police and I will collect my things with the police.

I have no idea why he said  that as I’ve done nothing.


I said I’ve not made any problems I haven’t stopped you collecting your things.

He said what time will you be out as I really don’t want to see you.

I said I’m home all day I just have a couple of Zoom meetings.

He said if I come home can you go out. I said fine whatever you want.  I don’t understand why you’re treating me like this.

He said I told you not to do things but you did them. You do what I tell you not to do. Don’t make me mad. I hate you
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babyducks
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« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2021, 10:03:13 AM »

Monday night. he asked if I could pack some of his clothes or if he could come when I’m not home. Then said he had a new home. I said he can come whenever he want and what new home. No response.
You are missing his message.    He is talking about his feelings.   You are replying with facts and fact based questions.   You didn't acknowledge his feelings at all.   And immediately flipped the conversation to facts.  It's his home to.    What new house.

this probably struck him as invalidating.    He is worried about his clothes.    He is worried about seeing you.   

As you know communication with a pwBPD takes special attention and skills.   It's important to acknowledge their concerns with out becoming responsible for them.

How could you have helped him problem solve this?
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« Reply #42 on: June 17, 2021, 10:12:15 AM »

I said I’ve not made any problems I haven’t stopped you collecting your things.

I said fine whatever you want.  I don’t understand why you’re treating me like this.

Black orchid.     Let me speak plainly.   If you read back this conversation who is amping up the emotional reactivity here?   Who is adding more volatility to an already volatile situation.   Clue.   It's not him.  If you want to save this relationship I would strongly suggest you do the hard work of becoming the emotional leader and learn the communication tools.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #43 on: June 17, 2021, 10:26:11 AM »

He’s coming now. Told me ill be here in ten minutes. Leave the house I don’t want to see you

How is he talking about his feelings?
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babyducks
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« Reply #44 on: June 17, 2021, 10:37:21 AM »

He’s coming now. Told me ill be here in ten minutes. Leave the house I don’t want to see you

How is he talking about his feelings?

Have you left the house?

This is all about his feelings.  He is frightened of the intensity of the rage.  Scared of it happening again.    Exhausted from the arguments.    Worried about his possessions.    And feels homeless at the moment.

You seem to have some understanding that he struggles with several different challenges.    You don't seem to get that you need to respond in ways that match his capabilities.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #45 on: June 17, 2021, 10:38:39 AM »

So should I leave the house before he comes like he asked.
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babyducks
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« Reply #46 on: June 17, 2021, 11:15:07 AM »

So should I leave the house before he comes like he asked.

Is there something unreasonable about this request?   He is on the  lease/mortgage?   He has an equal right to the property?   He hasn't had a change of clothes in how long?   You don't know where he has been showering or doing laundry?

Why wouldn't you want to leave the house?
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blackorchid
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« Reply #47 on: June 17, 2021, 11:27:01 AM »

Because it’s the first chance in over a week to see him. I left the house. If he takes everything that’s it isn’t it. I just didn’t want this to happen. He was going on and on that he gave me a three day warning to stop this happening. But he didn’t say anything.   I just wanted him to not pack and leave
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blackorchid
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« Reply #48 on: June 17, 2021, 11:29:58 AM »

It was my boundary set in 2019. If you pack up from this house again. There’s no coming back
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babyducks
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« Reply #49 on: June 17, 2021, 11:49:45 AM »

You can't force someone to stay with you.

You have no idea what or how much he is going to pack.

Would you describe yourself as codependent?
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« Reply #50 on: June 17, 2021, 11:57:11 AM »

He messaged that he left. I’m home. He took everything.
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babyducks
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« Reply #51 on: June 17, 2021, 12:07:55 PM »

As painful as this is, you have an answer now.   
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« Reply #52 on: June 17, 2021, 12:51:40 PM »

Yes. He also took my cash - my kitty for when I go home. A mixture of euros dollars and pounds. To pay his bank debt. Says he’ll repay me. So I have my answer and then some.


He’s messaged me don’t be sad, be happy and work.


I’m done. I’m done with this life with him. I fell strangely calm. I’m not putting myself through this again.

When he came in the house he was rambling. That my family didn’t help us. That if they had helped with money and a home we would have been ok. You’re right about the homelessness feeling.  In other messages I had told him to come home and this was his home. Asked where he was.  He got angry and threatened to block me whenever I said it’s his home.
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« Reply #53 on: June 17, 2021, 05:57:20 PM »

I'm sorry. This is painful.

Do you still have your stuff in the house? Do you have enough money to eat and keep the power on? Maybe try to focus on a plan for yourself at the moment. Don't worry right now about whether this is really the end (even though you feel like it is now).

Do you want to try to get back to be with family and friends? Is that the goal? Covid restrictions are changing daily and you might try to plan your travels, even if it will be difficult.

Do you feel like you want to stay in the house by yourself? What feels most comfortable for you right now? (regardless of whether or not you will ever see him again) Maybe "comfortable" is the wrong word, because I know it's all uncomfortable right now, but what feels like your best next move?

TFP
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« Reply #54 on: June 17, 2021, 06:09:40 PM »

Dear black orchid,

So your partner took your money without your permission?
This should be a criminal act also in Turkey,

However, especially knowing the latest politics in Turkey...might become difficult...?


I know that you are hurting right now and my big hug: Virtual hug (click to insert in post) :hug:for you.

Could you see this also as an chance, for something far better?
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
V die



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« Reply #55 on: June 17, 2021, 06:20:41 PM »

Hi again black orchid,

You are not alone. And many on these  boards have been there, with somewhat similar situations.

We do understand.

And keep on posting!

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« Reply #56 on: June 19, 2021, 09:44:09 PM »

Hi Black orchard,

Just wanted to ask how are you doing?

P Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Warm regards
Vincenta
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« Reply #57 on: June 20, 2021, 01:33:23 AM »

Hi Vinceta I tried to check in but I kept getting a strange message that the site wasn’t available in my region. At least I’m back in now.

I feel exhausted and confused. When he told me he had left the house. He tagged on I’ll come tomorrow.

Later that night he messaged that he just wants to be alone and to work and pay off his debts. That he’s going to get therapy.

He messaged me Friday night to get a code sent to my email for a Netflix type thing and then after I sent it he responded this is what you wanted. I have done nothing.  Please don’t force me. I’m good like this.

When he saw me typing a reply he wrote. Don’t make me angry I don’t want to block you. Don’t write to me. So I just put ok.


Sorry I should have been clearer he only took his things not mine. So I have everything left in the apartment

I’m so confused as to where his debt has come from because during the pandemic I have been paying for everything. As thankfully the majority of my students were happy to move online. He was furloughed for the majority of 2020 but my mindset was just gratefulness. At least we had my money to pay for everything.

He started to become angry  at the beginning of may. We had a three week lockdown and school holidays. The past couple of months my lessons have shifted from online to face to face again. The kids, rightly so, are fed up with online. (Here they’ve had maybe 30 days at school since the pandemic, all online). So during the 3 week lesson it was the first time that my money took a hit. I said I can use my savings for the rent, but now I’m not getting paid till after lockdown after the rent is due. He said no no don’t worry ive got it with my wage and he paid it. But maybe a week later he started getting irritated asking when I was paying the rent back as he had to pay the bank, but wouldn’t explain what at the bank needed paying back. In hindsight that’s when I should have posted here.


Everything’s back to normal now so I have money for everything. Just not the saving pot that he took.


When he was in the house he was jumping from topic to topic. Saying he’s fed up of football life. Always packing bags , always moving never having a home. He had an injury which cut his career short 3/4 years ago. So I don’t know why he was saying that. Then saying we didn’t marry. If we married everything would have been ok. But again that was due to the pandemic not me.

I met with his work friends, they said at work he is paranoid. He thinks that the managers are watching him waiting for him to mess up and then they will sack him. Actually he is his assistant manager and he keeps saying to him, no one is doing that and stop thinking like that. But he keeps saying it again and again.

He hadn’t took a day off in 3 weeks. Says he sold lessons for his day off so he’s working them. This friend and the sport manager made him have a day off on Thursday and made him go to his missed vaccine appointment. That’s another thing that doesn’t make sense. He was so happy to book his appointment a month ago for his 2nd vaccine. Then didn’t go. So I guess that’s why he came on Thursday and he was here. They’ve told me he is staying in the hotel lodgings. Which is near to the hotel and in the tourist resort town about 1/2 an hour away
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« Reply #58 on: June 20, 2021, 07:19:26 AM »

hello blackorchid,

sorry to hear that you are going through this.    during this time, remember to take good care of you.   be proactive in taking care of you, however that looks.

Later that night he messaged that he just wants to be alone and to work and pay off his debts. That he’s going to get therapy.

He messaged me Friday night to get a code sent to my email for a Netflix type thing and then after I sent it he responded this is what you wanted. I have done nothing.  Please don’t force me. I’m good like this.

you are not surprised by this,  right?    now that he has removed some of the stress off him by ending the relationship he feels more comfortable communicating.     even if its communicating to say "I don't want to talk".

we say this over and over and over here because its remarkably true:   pwBPD (or other mental illness) see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.    And they believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.

When he saw me typing a reply he wrote. Don’t make me angry I don’t want to block you. Don’t write to me. So I just put ok.

he is managing his emotions by managing the amount and the content of the contact he has with you.     

I’m so confused as to where his debt has come from ../../.. But maybe a week later he started getting irritated asking when I was paying the rent back as he had to pay the bank, but wouldn’t explain what at the bank needed paying back.

as I read this I think this is a big  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).   how do you see it?

When he was in the house he was jumping from topic to topic. Saying he’s fed up of football life. Always packing bags , always moving never having a home. He had an injury which cut his career short 3/4 years ago.

what you are describing sounds like a pretty severe break from reality.     if he isn't aware that he isn't a footballer any longer he has decompensated

So I don’t know why he was saying that. Then saying we didn’t marry. If we married everything would have been ok. But again that was due to the pandemic not me. 

this isn't about who is right and who is wrong, who is to blame, who isn't, who is more deserving or less deserving.    with some one who is grappling with a serious untreated mental illness and some type of substance abuse problem finding fault is not helpful.   it doesn't matter if it was due to the pandemic or  if it was due to something else.    right now what he is saying - at a very simplistic level is that he feels like nothing is okay and if you had gotten married everything would have been okay.    he's not okay,... he knows it (again he knows it in a very rudimentary way)  and he is floundering and flailing trying to find any cause other than himself about why this is not okay.

I met with his work friends, they said at work he is paranoid. He thinks that the managers are watching him waiting for him to mess up and then they will sack him. Actually he is his assistant manager and he keeps saying to him, no one is doing that and stop thinking like that. But he keeps saying it again and again.

I see a lot of red flags in what you describe and this is another one.   typically a pwBPD doesn't display as many symptoms in the work place because they are so adverse to shame and blame.    the last year of the pandemic has been tough on everyone,   everyone has struggled with their coping skills and emotional management.    again I am only reading this from the other end of the internet but it sounds like he isn't managing things well right now.

He hadn’t took a day off in 3 weeks. Says he sold lessons for his day off so he’s working them. This friend and the sport manager made him have a day off on Thursday and made him go to his missed vaccine appointment. .That’s another thing that doesn’t make sense He was so happy to book his appointment a month ago for his 2nd vaccine. Then didn’t go.

No it wouldn't make sense.     you are completely correct about that.   mental illnesses are not logical.   they don't make sense.    they do fit patterns but they are often abnormal patterns.   

I understand you are exhausted and confused.  you have a lot going on.   still most of this post was about him, so let me ask; where are you with things today?   how do you feel?    what would you like to see happen in the next few days?

'ducks
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blackorchid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 421


« Reply #59 on: June 20, 2021, 02:47:18 PM »

Hi baby ducks
Thank you for replying

I’m trying my best to take care of me. Took a day of work to clear my head and just focusing on taking it day by day., well hour by hour feeling by feeling. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions right now


Yes I see massive red flags about the debt and his reaction to the banks too. His family have been leeches for money his whole life and took all the money he ever made from football. Again a couple of months ago his dad had a new debt he needed help with and his brother (a doctor) needed help. I feel that they see him as a bank. It’s def a trigger for him but not one he will openly talk about. I know he gave money to his brother during our last split in 2019 so they he could get out of military service. I’m now wondering if he took a bank loan out for that. But it’s just my speculation.

At the time when he was asking me for the rent back I was just irritated and hurt and fed up. It was lockdown so I wasn’t in the best place myself, The uk had put Turkey on the red list and he knew that I hadn’t been paid yet and my lessons was severely reduced.


Re the football and him talking about the past as if it’s the present. When he came home on the fri evening in week 1 after being away for 4 nights. He was the sort of the same. He showed me a pic with a footballer who had been staying in the hotel and referred to him as his “friend”.  When I asked how he knew him he exploded saying his a professional footballer, I’m a professional footballer of course we know each other. Again I was internally thinking what? You haven’t played in years and when you did you weren’t that level. I didn’t say anything as he was so deregulated at the time. I just went to bed as I was in terrible pain that night.

Also, a couple of hours later that night he came into the bedroom and woke me up. I was half asleep. I thought he was telling me that he was leaving in 2 days. On Thursday he said that he told me I had two days to decide if I want to be with him
Or not and if not he will move out. That wasn’t what I heard… part of why he’s saying this is what I wanted. I didn’t contact him within the two days…


That makes total sense what you said about him talking about the wedding and stuff. Thank you


Yeah I don’t think he’s managing it well at all and I was very surprised to hear how paranoid he is at work



I’m honestly not too sure what I want to happen. I’m trying to just give myself space to think and figure things out. Today I felt down. The days feel very long. Work will be quiet this week; the plus from that is I get time to figure things out but the flip is I have a lot of empty time on my hands.  I’m just trying to take it as it comes. If that makes sense. Very grateful for you all here and for this safe space to share. No one is supportive, everyone just says your better off without him and why did you put up with him so long
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