Reflection on the Forum

[poppy2]

Hi everybody,

I'm curious to share some of my reflections about this forum, and hear from you too.

First of all, it's a lifesaver. I honestly felt like I had 'perished' after this relationship ended and as soon as I read the 'how a bpd relationship' evolves article I felt such a mix of fear and relief at finally knowing what happened. You cannot buy that sort of 'ah ha' moment and I have no idea how devastated I'd be if I had never stumbled across BPD.

However, over time I also feel like it keeps me attached to my ex. I think I check this forum and another one every day or almost every day, not to post perhaps but to have the connection to the overall issue/experience.

I think there is a wealth of information and advice here, especially in the workshops, that really bears working through. At the same time, I would like to re-enter life and fully detach from my ex, which in a sense must mean, at some point, leaving BPD behind me. I don't think I've reached that point yet but I strongly feel the focus should be on 'me' and not her (or her illness) anymore.

How do you feel about your relationship to the boards? it's great to help others as well, and to feel supported, I'm not making a criticism of that. I just feel these relationships leave lasting damage on the non and, in a sense, it's that damage that at some point needs to become the main focus. And I wonder if that focus is better served through therapy, codependency forums, abuse survivor forums, or anything like that. I'm sure my issue itself belongs to a part of the 'detaching' phase which has probably already been addressed here somewhere

So, how do you feel about your relationship to this forum? And what would you do if you made it 'all about you'? I still have good days and bad days, but on a good day I would discard the ex in my mind as an immature person capable of monstrous acts, cut my losses, and move back into life. It's when I feel new life around me that I truly feel that the damage caused by BPD is retrospective, however temporarily.

Everyone's journey is different. I think I will still need to process PDs and be in therapy for maybe another full 6 months to reach my 'normal' again, and even longer to gain a stronger sense of self so I am fully protected from any future victimization. That's how I envisage my time line of recovery.

non-religious blessings to you all!

[ILMBPDC]

Hi poppy. 

How do you feel about your relationship to the boards?

From experiences on other forums I have been on for support with one thing or another, it is likely that as I heal, I will visit less and less and eventually not at all. Its a support tool for a specific purpose...and at some point I will no longer have a need for it.  For me, its a type of therapy and its absolutely wonderful to interact with people who understand and I even feel close to some of them, having followed their journeys...but at some point every one of us will go back to "normal" (unless they are dealing with a family member or marriage that they are trying to salvage)

I don't feel like it keeps me tethered to the BPD...on the contrary, my posting and interacting helps me understand what happened better and, in that way, helps me heal (but I am a very analytical person - I need to understand things!)

I still have good days and bad days, but on a good day I would discard the ex in my mind as an immature person capable of monstrous acts, cut my losses, and move back into life. It's when I feel new life around me that I truly feel that the damage caused by BPD is retrospective, however temporarily.

On my good days I feel the same way!    him, its his loss, I'm so much better than that...and I can feel myself making progress.  I look back on my old posts and can see just how far I have already come and I know that I will be whole again.

[Sappho11]

Great thread, poppy!

I think it's okay to fully lean into spending time on this forum, even if it (temporarily) keeps your attention on your ex. It's probably much, much easier to get it all out in a matter of weeks, than to do it bit by bit over many months, perhaps years, where you risk making that pain a permanent part of yourself.

But I can only speak for myself. I used to check this board several times a day, and reading other posters' thoughts and responses greatly contributed to my happiness and well-being, especially on the darkest days. Now that things are going well, I find myself gravitating towards it less and less. I still care about the people and their thoughts here, but the forum isn't as much of an emotional crutch anymore as it used to be.

The same goes for all the literature on BPD and NPD. For me it was easier to heal and transform by fully "cocooning" myself in the subject matter. I don't think I could have done it by reading/writing a little here and there. It took months of daily application, sometimes a few hours per day, and now the glass is full, all is said and done. You seem to be approaching a similar stage. This forum was a tremendous help in sorting all the thoughts into a coherent framework, and most importantly, in forming a new, better one to use in the future.

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah Poppy, I've been thinking along the same lines as you.   The past month or so on this forum has greatly helped my thinking about what happened, and moved me forward faster than the whole previous year.  I have you, and Sappho11, GrumpyD and others who have taken the time to share their experiences and stories to thank for that.  The only time I am really thinking about my BPDex now is how it relates to anecdotes on this forum, as before it was more of 'What if I would've done this instead...?'

What this forum has also taught me is that it doesn't matter the age, the gender, the orientation, the race, or even the continent--BPD is a disorder (an illness) and has a specific way it manifests.  Even if there are possibly 126 flavors as ILMBPDC pointed out, they all taste like a*s.  More importantly there is a specific effect on the "victim", let's call it,--their romantic partner.

14 months later, I'm ready to detach--completely.  It's funny, I met with a friend of mine who is also a life coach to talk.  She was working on therapist referrals for me,  as I never heard back from the former place I had gone years previous.  She said a lot of therapists in the area won't touch BPD because it is so intractable.  Anyway, she asked how long ago my relationship ended with my ex, as I told her I was feeling better due to this forum.  I said the end of July...and she interjected "Oh", brightly. I finished saying, "...July 2020" and she was like, "Oh..." more sullen and concerned.

There's still more to learn, but I am feeling that it's about time to weigh anchor and depart from Cape NoHope and plot a new course for Restoration Point.  I'm changing tack: time to check the telltales, grab a firm hold of the tiller and the main sheet.  As I hold fast the mainsail, I'll rig the jib and maybe even unfurl the Spinnaker--get the ship under full sail--as I want to depart 'hand over fist'!  Now you may say, "Ad, there's no way a novice sailor can manage three sails single-handedly..." and while maybe that's true, it doesn't stop me from creating this metaphor and, besides, they do it all the time in Pirate movies. 

Complete sidenote here, but if it's "all about me" Poppy, I'm wanting to think more about the future and where to go now.  After reading Moby Dick this past winter I've decided I want to sail around the Horn, as part of my bucket list.  You know, where Sir Drake sailed, Magellan, etc...  The most notoriously treacherous seas in the world where the Atlantic and Pacific meet. Although it was a chore to get through, Melville's epic classic helped in getting me to think about the future, partially because it's still such a relevant story that was set so far back in the past (Captain Ahab, definitely the NPD type).  I think there's two kinds of people in this world.  Those who intend to read/finish Moby Dick, and those who actually do. 

 

[once removed]

ive been here for about 10 and a half years.

it stopped being about my ex about 8 years or 9 years ago.

i came here because i found people going through what i was going through, and that was a godsend. i ultimately stayed, not just to help others once i started to emerge from the pain, but frankly, because of what i got, and continue to get from it. ive learned more about myself, about human nature, about relationships of all kinds. ive learned skills for life. it has dramatically improved my life.

if you want my take on it, 99% of people will come here, vent, bond, (all stage 1 of detaching) get tired of that, and walk back into life with not just the same baggage that they carried into the relationship, but more of it. theyll have learned a thing or two about BPD, but nothing about themselves. ive seen countless come back, still bumping up against the same lessons.

what im not sure is always clear, is that if youre ready to step out of stage one, do the introspection and personal inventory, maybe even start dating again, this board is for that as well.

[Sappho11]

what im not sure is always clear, is that if youre ready to step out of stage one, do the introspection and personal inventory, maybe even start dating again, this board is for that as well.

Thank you for saying that! Lately I've often thought about posting about recent, happier developments here – particularly in the "I've moved on, now what?" category – but I wasn't sure whether this was the place. I felt it might perhaps take up resources more needed by members who are in an emotional emergency.

[Rev]

ive been here for about 10 and a half years.

it stopped being about my ex about 8 years or 9 years ago.

i came here because i found people going through what i was going through, and that was a godsend. i ultimately stayed, not just to help others once i started to emerge from the pain, but frankly, because of what i got, and continue to get from it. ive learned more about myself, about human nature, about relationships of all kinds. ive learned skills for life. it has dramatically improved my life.

if you want my take on it, 99% of people will come here, vent, bond, (all stage 1 of detaching) get tired of that, and walk back into life with not just the same baggage that they carried into the relationship, but more of it. theyll have learned a thing or two about BPD, but nothing about themselves. ive seen countless come back, still bumping up against the same lessons.

what im not sure is always clear, is that if youre ready to step out of stage one, do the introspection and personal inventory, maybe even start dating again, this board is for that as well.

I have been here two years. It's stopped being about my ex the minute I vented. I echo exactly what Once writes here. I doubt very much I will leave. There is something redeeming about bringing self knowledge into the world. It breeds the capacity for kindness we so desperately need.

AND - this is a most relevant question! Thank you for asking it.

Rev

[babyducks]

if you want my take on it, 99% of people will come here, vent, bond, (all stage 1 of detaching) get tired of that, and walk back into life with not just the same baggage that they carried into the relationship, but more of it. theyll have learned a thing or two about BPD, but nothing about themselves. ive seen countless come back, still bumping up against the same lessons.

I've been here around 8 years.     for 3 of those years I was still with my Ex Partner trying to make it work.     when the relationship finally ended I found myself to be more damaged that I had imagined.    and that it took longer to put myself back together than I had rather naively planned.     In my early days here I remember the calm serenity that the older members seemed to portray in their posts and I wanted that.    for a long time I felt raw.

and then after a while it became about giving back.    people were here to greet me when I arrived in a mess.   they were thoughtful and kind and patient and I wanted to pay that forward.

and then like others have said it became about me learning about me, and me learning about human nature.

this is a place I choose to participate long after my relationship is over because its now a positive thing - more uplifting than upsetting.

[poppy2]

Hi,

Thankyou all for your replies! they were really interesting to read. It's good to hear that the detaching board is also about personal inventory, dating, and other new things, because I think it has a temporary flavor when it only remains about what once removed described, like venting and then leaving (and then coming back!). So I personally will try to contribute / would like to hear from more stories about journeys beyond the first stage of detachment.

There is an admirable community feeling on these boards and I honestly find I can relate a lot to the other more 'long-standing' boards of people who have BPD in their family in some way. I am currently trying to determine if my mother had it or not, or more garden-variety problems (BPD is pretty extreme in what ppl say and do). I've actually had two relationships with BPD ex's (not knowing it was BPD) and so I'm trying to untangle the causes for that now I know.

Personally I wish there were more group workshops, or does anyone know how these worked in the past? I. e. to take a topic, such as emotional flashback, talk about it, apply knowledge to it (eg Pete Walker's work is mentioned on that particular thread) and share. I think the sharing is very important, and I've got all this reading which I'd like to share/apply.

I think the real strength comes from 'making it about yourself' and I've done my BPD learning now and ready to move forward in other ways.

 PS I feel I should add, in full disclosure, that my point about 'entering life' is itself a stage of detachment.. like, going on a trip, feeling new life, building new relationships... this experience really damaged me and I still have PTSD and vivid dreams, sometimes with my ex in them, so I wouldn't say I have fully detached at all.. the only reason I read or think about BPD is to try and find forgiveness somehow for what happened to me.

[Ad Meliora]

It seems to make sense to me that on this forum there should be Misery threads, all about the break-up and venting that out, and there should be Uplifting threads which talk about regaining your life back again, hopeful for the future.  Of course there will be a myriad of others such as the Setback thread, etc... but why shouldn't all of these be discussed here?

I think we are all hoping to get better, get over our situation with our former BPDx r/s.  Even if I would've found this forum day one after my break-up (and knew she had BPD) I would've been glad to know there were people dating again, coming through the other side and better off.  Babyducks touches on that here.

In my early days here I remember the calm serenity that the older members seemed to portray in their posts and I wanted that.

Right now I'm feeling a lot like Poppy2.  I'm in the "Poppy Zone" so to speak, the PZ.  I'd like to be in the Sappho11 Zone, the SZ.  I'm also thinking the next steps past that maybe that's the Once Zone or OZ, who doesn't want to get to OZ Dorothy?  Although, I may have to grow a sacrificial mullet to get there at some point--totally worth it!

Point is I wouldn't know where I was or where I was even going without different people and different viewpoints posting here.  I'm thinking about a book written by Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron titled "Start where you are."  Where else can you start from?  It's a way of getting out of your own head or worrying about not moving fast enough, not beating yourself up too much about it.  It's about mindfulness, but can apply anywhere really.  You start where you are, move forward at your own pace, set a goal and work towards it--that's all.

[Sappho11]

I think we are all hoping to get better, get over our situation with our former BPDx r/s.  Even if I would've found this forum day one after my break-up (and knew she had BPD) I would've been glad to know there were people dating again, coming through the other side and better off.

I agree! It was impossible to see "the new life on the other side" immediately after all this hurt. A few people did post "1 month/year out" threads and I found them very edifying at the time.

Right now I'm feeling a lot like Poppy2.  I'm in the "Poppy Zone" so to speak, the PZ.  I'd like to be in the Sappho11 Zone, the SZ.  I'm also thinking the next steps past that maybe that's the Once Zone or OZ, who doesn't want to get to OZ Dorothy?  Although, I may have to grow a sacrificial mullet to get there at some point--totally worth it!

Sacrifical mullet, haha, my eye...! I'm counting on that

Point is I wouldn't know where I was or where I was even going without different people and different viewpoints posting here.  I'm thinking about a book written by Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron titled "Start where you are."  Where else can you start from?  It's a way of getting out of your own head or worrying about not moving fast enough, not beating yourself up too much about it.  It's about mindfulness, but can apply anywhere really.  You start where you are, move forward at your own pace, set a goal and work towards it--that's all.

That's a great quote. Around the time when I was feeling better, I opened a fortune cookie and it said "A new start will put you on your way". It sounds like a truism but at the time it really gave me hope.

[once removed]

"Detaching" and "Learning" are really two boards in one.

they were, at one time, for a time, two different boards. while i think its generally true that its good for members in the early stages to read and learn from members in latter stages, sometimes the two can clash and step on each other.

the differences between the two can be found at the top of this board, under "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD" or here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332589.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0

all of these things, from members of all stages, are allowed and encouraged. ive even posted about dreams here before and gotten some pretty good insight!

[SinisterComplex]

I have been here two years. It's stopped being about my ex the minute I vented. I echo exactly what Once writes here. I doubt very much I will leave. There is something redeeming about bringing self knowledge into the world. It breeds the capacity for kindness we so desperately need.

AND - this is a most relevant question! Thank you for asking it.

Rev

Rev, there you are amigo. #bropound

I've been around a while as well. I come to this board simply to empower others and help guide people. Many will come here after breakups thinking it has to be a disorder or something of the sort. Sometimes it is the case sometimes it is not. I focus on helping others build their self-worth, confidence, and independence. I personally enjoy being able to use my education and experience to help others. In the world we live in I choose to be different and help others freely and attempt to impact the world positively with each interaction with my own style. This board provides me the freedom I need. I am not bound by restriction. My compensation is truly helping people and just putting good energy out there. Seeing the people grow and eventually get stronger and get better is to me an amazing feeling and I can do it anonymously which is also key. I despise and loathe social media. Here there is a purpose and my privacy is still intact...I get to do my thing...help from the shadows.

So for me I will continue to be around when time permits and I will continue to support this board. I'll also say...people if you have valued this place...donate and help this board keep going. This is truly something unique, but obviously there are still costs associated with it. Every little bit helps.

Cheers and best wishes to all!

-SC-

[Cromwell]

if you feel you need a break you will naturally take one.

I think its important to note that its a nice thing to meet folk we get on with during recovery, but this is not a social club or chat group, the same attachment issues that may have kept the BPD relationship so difficult to break off should not grow tendrils elsewhere.

i dont feel for example embarrassed anymore, but I can say its a feeling I relate to. what does it mean in hindsight? it was a feeling that was a prelude to no longer being embarrased. Its good to go through these things as a way to get over them, not everyone does and as OR says, many leave too early before going through the hard lessons, it is hard work therapy is tough but worth it.

[khibomsis]

I read the boards every day. Had tech issues so wasn't logged in for a while, but that didn't stop me from lurking. It could be my situation: with a uNPBD mom (now passed) a  niece wBPD and an SO diagnosed CPTSD but displaying 4 out of 9 traits, it  doesn't look like I will ever not need them. I am always gaining new insights or being reminded of things I had forgotten, like how invalidating I can be.

Often I will take a break from posting, it can get overwhelming.  But I like my daily check in. The task of reconstructing my personality from the ground up requires regular reinforcement.

I think we each got to do what we are comfortable with.

[Ad Meliora]

I have a couple things to add or to your thread here.  I think it is a good one and now that I've had a few months here there is definitely more to Ad(?)--ha.

So I've seen that there are many people who sign up to post, post once about their r/s, and pretty much vanish.  Never to return?  Or if they return, not to post or not to stay too long.  This seems to be the largest group, as I've commented on a lot of "newbie's" threads.

There's people who mostly lurk, and I get that, as the current issues may not apply to their situation or they feel uncomfortable sharing, or that what they have to say isn't that important, etc...

There's people who just pop in with a comment, like a secret sniper, and then also seem to largely disappear.  Not interested in any real dialogue.

There's the medium rangers who participate for awhile and then trail off abruptly, and will they return?  Who knows.

I'm sure there are many others I could categorize, but I see this as a Forum.  Like the ancient Greeks and Romans saw it.  A place to come for discussion of ideas and thoughts.  A place to share ideas, bounce off concepts with each other, and learn from other individuals.  Maybe that is seen as too purist and idealistic, but if all the comments are a "hit and run" type where will the learning occur?  How can there be dialogue and understanding?  This, I do not know.

So I'm getting into the group of people like you and me Poppy2, (Sappho, Grumpy, and many others) who are posting to learn and share ideas.  To understand BPD and it's affects.  To get some of that toxic soup stuck inside out into the daylight so it can be examined more thoroughly.  This has been the greatest benefit to me, and I would encourage others to participate in the dialogue as opposed to breaking wind in the elevator, hitting all the buttons, and jumping off at the next stop.

[grumpydonut]

I made it!

[SinisterComplex]

I have a couple things to add or to your thread here.  I think it is a good one and now that I've had a few months here there is definitely more to Ad(?)--ha.

So I've seen that there are many people who sign up to post, post once about their r/s, and pretty much vanish.  Never to return?  Or if they return, not to post or not to stay too long.  This seems to be the largest group, as I've commented on a lot of "newbie's" threads.

There's people who mostly lurk, and I get that, as the current issues may not apply to their situation or they feel uncomfortable sharing, or that what they have to say isn't that important, etc...

There's people who just pop in with a comment, like a secret sniper, and then also seem to largely disappear.  Not interested in any real dialogue.

There's the medium rangers who participate for awhile and then trail off abruptly, and will they return?  Who knows.

I'm sure there are many others I could categorize, but I see this as a Forum.  Like the ancient Greeks and Romans saw it.  A place to come for discussion of ideas and thoughts.  A place to share ideas, bounce off concepts with each other, and learn from other individuals.  Maybe that is seen as too purist and idealistic, but if all the comments are a "hit and run" type where will the learning occur?  How can there be dialogue and understanding?  This, I do not know.

So I'm getting into the group of people like you and me Poppy2, (Sappho, Grumpy, and many others) who are posting to learn and share ideas.  To understand BPD and it's affects.  To get some of that toxic soup stuck inside out into the daylight so it can be examined more thoroughly.  This has been the greatest benefit to me, and I would encourage others to participate in the dialogue as opposed to breaking wind in the elevator, hitting all the buttons, and jumping off at the next stop.

Quite the astute observer you are ;-).

There are certainly a lot of lurkers and many have a really hard time. However, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. So to each their own and when the lurkers are ready they can share and they will be welcomed.

The design of this place is mostly built on free will. People can drop in or drop out as they see fit. There is no pressure and no obligation. That is why this place is a safe haven of sorts.

Personally, I like to see the healing members talk amongst themselves and helping each other. I may try to nudge here and there, but when you can relate to someone else currently going through something similar a bond is more easily formed.

ADM, an observation...perhaps you may write a column of your own or something along those lines. You have a gift with words and are rather eloquent.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NotAHero]

 Honestly if no kids were involved - which perpetuates the connection - I would of probably posted once or twice if I was going to post at all. Would of also probably stopped checking in a week or two. Every person is different and time to heal varies greatly.

[Mutt]

First of all, it's a lifesaver. I honestly felt like I had 'perished' after this relationship ended and as soon as I read the 'how a bpd relationship' evolves article I felt such a mix of fear and relief at finally knowing what happened.

I feel the same way. I’ve gone through a lot of life experiences in a short span of time and I cherish routine, stability and drama free lifestyle as I grew older.

I had always thought because of those life experiences it had shaped me into being pretty resilient and tough which I still am but nothing shaked me to my core and had me worried like my exuBPDw.

For the entirety of the r/s I felt like I was going through an experience that nobody else had - I felt very isolated and down until I got to this site and I was reading the stories and could see my experiences within the posts from our members.

At the same time, I would like to re-enter life and fully detach from my ex, which in a sense must mean, at some point, leaving BPD behind me. I don't think I've reached that point yet but I strongly feel the focus should be on 'me' and not her (or her illness) anymore.

As others have already mentioned, if I had the choice I would of gone NC and not looked back. I have kids with my ex and their going though their experience with an undiagnosed mom with BPD traits and they have a sister with traits as well. Checking in here for me helps with the BPD things that continue to go in my life.

After healing from a break up with a pwBPD I feel stronger but that’s not always the same experience for everyone. I hear what you’re saying and yes I agree you should let go. I suffered enough in the almost e8 years that we were together and I am grateful that I found out why she behaves the way that she does. You’ve probably seen people attached to their exes years after the r/s is over and they’re still suffering. I did my time and I refuse to indulge in a r/s with a pwBPD.

For myself, it helps to unload BPD things that are going on around me and not necessarily directed at me. I want to help my kids and I want them to feel supported - I don’t want them to feel isolated as I did.