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Author Topic: Confused  (Read 131 times)
Yogibear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 1


« on: November 23, 2022, 03:16:35 PM »

Hi everyone
I have been dating on and off with a girl, she admitted cheating on me with a ex.
She has ended it with me dozens of times then reaches out to see me again.
Like a fool I agree and know its wrong.
She keeps going cold and when I ended things she keeps messaging me promising the world and she would change.
After a while the same happens again. I only ended it once .
Why can't I hate her for what she's done? Cheating, lies and lies but it seems she has a hold over me. My family and friends say I've changed. How do I move on and forget her
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arjay
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2561

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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2022, 08:31:38 PM »

I have been dating on and off with a girl, she admitted cheating on me with a ex.
She has ended it with me dozens of times then reaches out to see me again.
Like a fool I agree and know its wrong.
She keeps going cold and when I ended things she keeps messaging me promising the world and she would change.
After a while the same happens again. I only ended it once .
Why can't I hate her for what she's done? Cheating, lies and lies but it seems she has a hold over me. My family and friends say I've changed. How do I move on and forget her

Greetings and welcome.  It sounds like you have had a very rough time.  You seem to be in a destructive cycle, and if she suffers from BPD, much of what you have experienced is typical, including family/friends being concerned about your emotional well-being.  It's happened to many of us. Has she been diagnosed or are you guessing based on her behavior?  In the very least her behavior is not healthy for you or for any relationship.

There is a lot written here on "detaching" from these types of relationships; how "ending" can actually be a stage in itself; a protracted back-and-forth, that happens because of re-engaging, whether via phone, text, email or in-person.  Any contact simply starts the cycle all over again.  Insanity it is, and long-term it can definitely affect your mental health.

I would suggest reading all you can here for now, so you understand what others have gone through and how ending a relationship such as this is truly a process.  No-contact means exactly that: Nothing; no texts, phone calls, emails, etc.  She will move on when she realizes you have "ghosted her".  During that time however, you may get all kinds of messages that may range from "I love you", to those that are completely inflammatory and demeaning.  Many of us experienced that as well (including me). I found it best to simply block messages, send emails to spam, etc.  If you respond at all, the cycle will repeat and you will only feel worse.  

Using the knowledge you gain while here, and staying firm in your committment to "end it", will help you to move on.  Know that staying engaged in "any" form will cause the cycle to repeat, until one of you finally moves-on.  You making the decision to move-on, means you are in charge of your life and not her.  As of now, she is, and if you wait for her to finally move-on, you will have endured a lot more emotional anguish and really have nobody else to blame.  We all know how hard it is to detach and go NC for good.  It is far less painful however, than continuing in a relationship where things will not improve and typically will only get worse.

The following link provides helpful information regarding this.

Breaking up with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

All the Best

« Last Edit: November 24, 2022, 07:50:57 PM by arjay » Logged

Yogibear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 1


« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2022, 05:17:22 AM »

Hi all
 I have been dating a girl for 5 months, at first she made me feel like a god, everything was amazing including sex.
She told me all her ex,s were nasty and she was bullied and treated badly and she's never met anyone like me, it felt as I've found the one.
Then she starts cancelling dates, then finishing with me only to come back saying she's sorry and can't live without me.
This happened a few times until I had enough. She said she wants to start again from scratch, I agreed, it was great for 4 weeks then the same happened.
It's my birthday tomorrow she contacted me a few days ago wanting another chance and to make it up to me for my birthday, she messaged me everyday with adoration and pictures of her in underwear she bought for my birthday then today we were meeting this evening but she messaged me saying
She admitted she was sering her ex and she loves me and him I feel like a fool.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 11713


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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2022, 10:59:01 PM »

Hi all
 I have been dating a girl for 5 months, at first she made me feel like a god, everything was amazing including sex.
She told me all her ex,s were nasty and she was bullied and treated badly and she's never met anyone like me, it felt as I've found the one.
Then she starts cancelling dates, then finishing with me only to come back saying she's sorry and can't live without me.
This happened a few times until I had enough. She said she wants to start again from scratch, I agreed, it was great for 4 weeks then the same happened.
It's my birthday tomorrow she contacted me a few days ago wanting another chance and to make it up to me for my birthday, she messaged me everyday with adoration and pictures of her in underwear she bought for my birthday then today we were meeting this evening but she messaged me saying
She admitted she was sering her ex and she loves me and him I feel like a fool.

You may feel like a fool, perhaps because you gave her more chances, but might it more be like you were being used? You didn't know about the ex.  That's on her, not you.

In a way, my ex "split" her feelings, being thankful for me and her boy-toy while living in our home with our baby and little boy. I was aware of it. It's brutal and painful and I'm sorry that you're hurting, but happy birthday all the same.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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SinisterComplex
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 846



« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2022, 12:15:22 AM »

Hi all
 I have been dating a girl for 5 months, at first she made me feel like a god, everything was amazing including sex.
She told me all her ex,s were nasty and she was bullied and treated badly and she's never met anyone like me, it felt as I've found the one.
Then she starts cancelling dates, then finishing with me only to come back saying she's sorry and can't live without me.
This happened a few times until I had enough. She said she wants to start again from scratch, I agreed, it was great for 4 weeks then the same happened.
It's my birthday tomorrow she contacted me a few days ago wanting another chance and to make it up to me for my birthday, she messaged me everyday with adoration and pictures of her in underwear she bought for my birthday then today we were meeting this evening but she messaged me saying
She admitted she was sering her ex and she loves me and him I feel like a fool.

Yogi cut yourself some slack. You are not a fool. Unfortunately you are dealing with someone who is not playing by the same rules and also someone who has a different reality to your own. You are not a fool for loving and caring...don't ever think that way. If you are guilty of anything it is that you were too nice and kind...which my friend is not a bad thing.

Keep posting here. Vent, ask questions. Heal. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Tupla Sport
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 116



« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2022, 01:27:40 AM »

Yogi cut yourself some slack. You are not a fool. Unfortunately you are dealing with someone who is not playing by the same rules and also someone who has a different reality to your own. You are not a fool for loving and caring...don't ever think that way. If you are guilty of anything it is that you were too nice and kind...which my friend is not a bad thing.


It's easy to feel like a fool when you get played by someone who indeed has rules of their own. It is fairly easy to manipulate people when one's perceptions are so distorted nothing really means what it means. Under the hood, everything is tangled and broken except miraculously the car still runs. They shift goal posts CONSTANTLY and it some times makes it seem more premeditated and even mastermind-y. They are never that clever, but they are often emotionally that confused.
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