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Author Topic: I want my marriage back.  (Read 398 times)
truthseeker1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1


« on: December 06, 2022, 01:41:45 PM »

Since the summer my wife and I got into an argument and she decided to leave me. Little did I know, the argument was the "excuse" to leave. She had planned to leave me anyways. I suspect she's been with 3-4 people since then, and has monkey branched. She started posting about twin flames and all of this magical thinking stuff. She finally seemed to stop talking to all of those people and now is focused on just one, who happens to come from the same background as me culturally. It's rare to find where we live, so I can't help but feel it's been on purpose.

She has listened to my mother-in-law who convinced her to leave me and make my life a living hell. My wife has refused to discuss our marriage at all since she left. She's been extremely avoiding. The only time she'd pop up is when she would ask for money. We share a child together which makes this extremely difficult. The more I ignored her the more she seemed to pop up, but seemingly only for money (she's not ashamed to lie to get money out of me). She split me black and now treats me like our 8 years together never existed. It's so crazy to me how somebody can let an entire marriage go like nothing. I've implemented no contact to some success, but it's difficult to maintain with a child. I even filed a divorce, although I don't really want it. I just wanted to see if she would "wake up", which seems to have failed.

I know this isn't suggested, but what steps can I take to have her split me "white" and revalue me again? All I want is my family back, and the ability to one day take her to get therapy/treatment so that she can live a regular life and stop going through these cycles. Any advice? Thanks.
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arjay
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2566

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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2022, 05:20:28 PM »

She had planned to leave me anyways. I suspect she's been with 3-4 people since then, and has monkey branched.  She finally seemed to stop talking to all of those people and now is focused on just one.
It sounds like it wasn't a surprise that she left and "if" she does return, are you prepared to deal with the reality of her indiscretions?

She has listened to my mother-in-law who convinced her to leave me and make my life a living hell
I am speculating that part of this is from the "picture" that your wife painted of you to your MIL.  We all know that BPD individuals paint a picture of typically either love or hate when it comes to their partner/spouse.  Have you had issues with MIL in the past? This certainly complicates a possible return, as MIL supports her leaving and being toxic.  I am wondering if MIL has issues as well?

We share a child together which makes this extremely difficult. The more I ignored her the more she seemed to pop up, but seemingly only for money (she's not ashamed to lie to get money out of me).
Is this money you provide for "child support"?  Does she work?  Continuing to just "give her money" may be enabling her and being counterproductive towards wanting her to return.  Typically unless their "new relationship falls apart" and the pattern repeats, there is little incentive to return (though continued contact is typical).  Fully expect the more you go NC, the more she will likely "rachet-up" the frequency of contact.  It's part of the nature of the "break-up phase", with a BPD person.

She split me black and now treats me like our 8 years together never existed. It's so crazy to me how somebody can let an entire marriage go like nothing.
Yes, as many of us experienced, they are seemingly incapable of "drawing on history" and tend to live in the moment.  The relationship seems to hang in the balance from one moment to the next, because their latest "feelings of the moment" are all that matters.  The only time I heard from my BPDxw was when she was hurting again (issues with her new relationship).  Once whatever it was that triggered it had passed, I was demonized once more.

I've implemented no contact to some success, but it's difficult to maintain with a child. I even filed a divorce, although I don't really want it. I just wanted to see if she would "wake up", which seems to have failed.
Yes with a child, unless you have sole custody, you will have to continue with some level of contact.

All I want is my family back, and the ability to one day take her to get therapy/treatment so that she can live a regular life and stop going through these cycles.
This requires her wanting to return and wanting help, something many have hoped with their BPD partner/spouse.  "Radical acceptance" is one approach that some have taken when dealing with a BPD partner.  It means the "non" learns how to deal with a person with this disorder, recognizing their BPD partner may never agree to get help.  Even then, it means them wanting to return.

I would advise reading all you can about BPD in trying to understand what you are up against.  We can't "make people see what we want them to see" and because you are dealing with irrational behavior, it makes it even more difficult.  At some point it may be in your best interest to accept this change as painful as it may now seem, but it is entirely up to you.  Each one of us has to go through our own process/path in these relationships.

All the Best

« Last Edit: December 07, 2022, 05:52:44 PM by arjay » Logged

kells76
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 2245



« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2022, 05:59:00 PM »

truthseeker1, I want to join with arjay in welcoming you to the group. You're really in the right place to be with people who understand that it's more than just normal range difficulties, and "why don't you guys talk through it" isn't going to cut it for advice.

arjay offered some great feedback for you, so I won't add too much at this time, besides noting two things:

-as you're on the "Bettering a relationship/reversing a breakup" board, we can walk with you as you find new, possibly counterintuitive ways of relating to your W that let you play the best of the cards you've been dealt. Nothing is a guarantee, yet there are "less worse" ways of interacting that can help lower the temperature of conflicts. Have you had a chance yet to check out some of the articles up top, in the "Tools" tab? If not, try starting with Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating and let us know your thoughts.

-as you have a son in the mix, please feel welcome to look at our Custody/Coparenting board (it's a combo of the Undecided/Conflicted board with Family Law/Divorce/Coparenting, so just pick the threads that seem relevant to you). arjay is correct that you'll have to maintain some level of contact with her due to sharing a child, but that can look a lot of different ways. If you like, feel free to share any challenges on that board, and the group can give support and feedback.

...

While I don't know of any "magic wand" or "foolproof" moves to "make" her see you a certain way again, I can comment that what we do have control over is how we communicate, if we use empathy and listen for the feelings behind the words, and if we don't invalidate. Those can sometimes lower reactivity in interactions. Food for thought.

Keep us in the loop on how you're doing;

kells76
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BPDEnjoyer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 30


« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2022, 12:30:15 AM »

I'm sorry this happened to you.  Look, you said she likely has been with 3-4 people while married.  This is a breach of trust and it is very disrespectful to your marriage.

It is time for you to focus on self-love and self-respect. 
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