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Author Topic: moving forward - what questions should I be pondering?  (Read 6473 times)
UnbalancedForce

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« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2023, 12:21:06 PM »

Just wanted to say I really sympathize with you and your journey. One thing that stuck out to me was you said maybe she is a better fit for him a couple times. You also said that it is unlikely he will reach out to you. Why do you say this? Reason why I ask is because I do the same thing. Lately though I am realizing there really isn't going to be a "perfect" partner for them. They are going to have to meet halfway and do the work. I feel like they go back and forth chasing that dopamine. The triangulation keeps you involved and as a backup plan. Reading through your thread I am 99% confident that he will come back to you at some point. It is almost certain that his other relationship will falter eventually. I am getting better every day and I always hope I meet someone who really peeks my interest so I can move on and not be "stuck." However I know I'm gaslighting myself because I know I won't find my next person until I am truly committed to moving on. I imagine your friends know you well Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! Sounds like mine. They don't live your life however and the heart wants what the heart wants. You really have come so far and this work will be beneficial with him in the future or your next lucky partner!   
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Pook075
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« Reply #31 on: June 14, 2023, 09:31:39 PM »

Not great, thanks for checking in. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Man this sucks. I overanalyzed the situation, and find myself in this space again.

See, I believed him, but I guess now that you point this out it does sound like an easy cop out. I didn’t tell him but he had said the same thing last year, only to reconnect with me later without mentioning her. There is no point in arguing the point.
Maybe she’s the one for him, and a better fit.

I will respect his boundaries. I’m moving to a location physically closer to where he is. I have friends that are worried about this, because they think if he changes his mind, if something changes in his relationship, he might reach out to me because he knows I am there. I think that is unlikely.

If I’m being honest, I’m in between still waiting things out in a long game approach, and detaching with grace. I have changed this past year, and it culminated in my ability to have this conversation with him without being reactive and knowing I just have to let things be. My feelings are still in the mix, but I know that’s because I am human and I care about him, in my way.

Hey Tina!  I saw your last post was over a week ago so I wanted to check in.  Just got home yesterday and I am now engaged.  It was probably the most amazing two weeks of my life.

Now about you.  I'm so sorry that he hurt you, but it was a good temperature check to see how far you've come.  Okay, so you still care and there may be some lingering feelings- which is perfectly natural.  Don't be hard on yourself and keep focusing on the good in your life.  You're doing great in a new town and he's still the same jerk.  You deserve better!

Let me know if I can do anything to help, we're here for you! 
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tina7868
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« Reply #32 on: June 15, 2023, 09:51:35 AM »

Excerpt
Just wanted to say I really sympathize with you and your journey. One thing that stuck out to me was you said maybe she is a better fit for him a couple times. You also said that it is unlikely he will reach out to you. Why do you say this? Reason why I ask is because I do the same thing. Lately though I am realizing there really isn't going to be a "perfect" partner for them. They are going to have to meet halfway and do the work. I feel like they go back and forth chasing that dopamine. The triangulation keeps you involved and as a backup plan. Reading through your thread I am 99% confident that he will come back to you at some point. It is almost certain that his other relationship will falter eventually. I am getting better every day and I always hope I meet someone who really peeks my interest so I can move on and not be "stuck." However I know I'm gaslighting myself because I know I won't find my next person until I am truly committed to moving on. I imagine your friends know you well Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! Sounds like mine. They don't live your life however and the heart wants what the heart wants. You really have come so far and this work will be beneficial with him in the future or your next lucky partner!  

Thank you for your reply, UnbalancedForce. When I was feeling very down, your message brought me a lot of comfort. That comfort is just what I needed to get me out of that funk.

I like your perspective that the effort I am currently putting in will be beneficial in the future, either with him or a new partner.

Right now, I see many posibilities in my future, don't feel particularly attached to any one of them, and trust that there is good ahead of me.

I thought more about how I would respond if he does reach out. I decided I would ask him questions to assess what his motivations are, whether he has done any reflecting of his own, and whether that version of him is one that can bring something to my life and not drain me (out of kindness to myself).

Excerpt
Hey Tina!  I saw your last post was over a week ago so I wanted to check in.  Just got home yesterday and I am now engaged.  It was probably the most amazing two weeks of my life.

Now about you.  I'm so sorry that he hurt you, but it was a good temperature check to see how far you've come.  Okay, so you still care and there may be some lingering feelings- which is perfectly natural.  Don't be hard on yourself and keep focusing on the good in your life.  You're doing great in a new town and he's still the same jerk.  You deserve better!

Let me know if I can do anything to help, we're here for you!  

Hey Pook! First, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ENGAGEMENT  Way to go! (click to insert in post) ! Truly happy for you  Virtual hug (click to insert in post). Sending you positive vibes, and well wishes for the future. You deserve all the happiness.

Second, thanks for checking in. I took a step back to regain perspective after my last conversation with my ex. Life got busy again. You're right, what he said did hurt me. I am trying not to take it personally though.

A few things:

- I have to catch myself when I get into the distorted thought process that I am living some sort of tragedy. It's overly dramatic, and it's objectively false. I've been doing much better in a number of areas in my life without him in it. I've accomplished so many things I've dreamed of, by my own effort! Not to say he isn't a good person, but he isn't my person, not now, and I love myself enough to want better. He's not all that and a bag of chips  Smiling (click to insert in post)

- As for my future, I feel motivated to explore my unhealthy behaviours that surface when I ´like´ someone. I mentioned being interested in someone new (not a real potential match, since he is emotionally unavailable). I think this is an opportunity to grow. I made a list of what I see as Tina things that I can work on, so that whether I'm talking to someone new in the future or my ex again (with whom these behaviours come up as well), I can feel less of an energy drain. I'll make a post of what I came up with.

- I guess what sticks with me most is that, here I am struggling with all of this. I know it's because I cared and everything, but meanwhile he moved on a year ago, and is having a relationship with someone! Someone who he says is important to him. I wouldn't even consider engaging in a new relationship before settling these issues within myself, and it's HARD to face all this, so I get why maybe he would have brushed over some things, but still. That hurts me.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2023, 10:02:21 AM by tina7868 » Logged
tina7868
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« Reply #33 on: June 15, 2023, 09:57:43 AM »

Okay so here are the behaviours I noticed that I engage in, both with my ex and with a person I liked.

1) I tend to put myself way down, and the other person on a pedestal. Why would they like me? If only I could prove to them that I am worth being with, I would be so lucky. ( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post))

2) I become unsure of myself to the point that I doubt myself over the wording of a simple message, and seek help from friends over such small aspects that I feel like I can't think for myself anymore. I have a fear that I will ´mess up´ to the point of no return. When I like someone, the nurturing side of me comes out, and I express my feelings through acts of service like cooking for them. I then get very hard on myself for doing too much, because what if the person feels like I am too much? I genuinely enjoy putting in the effort, but is it too soon, and in a way selfish of me to act this way?

3) I seek validation of my value through interactions with the person; if they respond positively, I feel good, if they don't, I feel bad.

4) I pour a lot of energy into the situation.

5) I think 5000 steps ahead, read way too much into the other person's actions.

It's exhausting!

I am not really sure how I will go about addressing these (suggestions are welcome!), but it's a place to start. I know now that I am pretty solid on my own. Since having a meaningful romantic relationship is something I want in my future, I think it's beneficial to work through these things now.

« Last Edit: June 15, 2023, 10:16:26 AM by tina7868 » Logged
Pook075
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« Reply #34 on: June 15, 2023, 11:11:48 PM »

Okay so here are the behaviours I noticed that I engage in, both with my ex and with a person I liked.

1) I tend to put myself way down, and the other person on a pedestal. Why would they like me? If only I could prove to them that I am worth being with, I would be so lucky. ( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post))

2) I become unsure of myself to the point that I doubt myself over the wording of a simple message, and seek help from friends over such small aspects that I feel like I can't think for myself anymore. I have a fear that I will ´mess up´ to the point of no return. When I like someone, the nurturing side of me comes out, and I express my feelings through acts of service like cooking for them. I then get very hard on myself for doing too much, because what if the person feels like I am too much? I genuinely enjoy putting in the effort, but is it too soon, and in a way selfish of me to act this way?

3) I seek validation of my value through interactions with the person; if they respond positively, I feel good, if they don't, I feel bad.

4) I pour a lot of energy into the situation.

5) I think 5000 steps ahead, read way too much into the other person's actions.

It's exhausting!

I am not really sure how I will go about addressing these (suggestions are welcome!), but it's a place to start. I know now that I am pretty solid on my own. Since having a meaningful romantic relationship is something I want in my future, I think it's beneficial to work through these things now.



Hey Tina!  It's good that you're processing this and I'm exactly the same way- I want to plan everything far in advance and have backup plans to the backup plans if something goes wrong.  I've learned in myself that it was more about being in control than the planning though, a part of me always wanted to be prepared and have all the answers.  But what I went through with my ex when she left me for another man last year...there's just no planning through that.  My world imploded and for the first time ever, I had zero control over my marriage, my family. 

I was not okay for several months and like you, I'd finally think I was past everything...only to realize that I was just shutting off those emotions instead of actually dealing with them.  Your 1st and 3rd points, we all struggled with that so badly- how could he/she throw away our marriage?  What does that say about us?  How should we change to avoid that in the future?  And it's an endless loop of self-reflection to avoid one simple fact- our ex's broke us because they were broken from BPD.  It had nothing to do with us and everything to do with a mental disorder that we had no idea how to handle.

For your 1st point, we all have to accept that happiness comes from within us.  Others can make us happy, sure, but we have to stand on our own two feet and be comfortable in our own skin.  How can we love someone else if we don't love ourselves?  So much of that comes from the toxic relationships we were in and the billion times we were told that we're not good enough.  That's the lie that pwBPD tell us to feel better about themselves, and at some point we all have to stop believing it.

For your 2nd point, all I can say is that you need to be you.  If you're super loving, caring, giving...then that's who you are.  I'm the same in my life, I always spoiled my wife and kids as much as humanly possible.  It backfired, of course, and I was taken advantage of far too often, but that doesn't mean it was a bad thing.  That's who I am...that's who you are...and there's someone out there that will adore you for being you. 

I don't want to talk about me or my engagement here, but it got to the point where we were so close, so in sync over life, that I couldn't imagine living without her by my side.  And she feels exactly the same way, thanking me daily for being me.  There's a guy out there that will love you exactly for you Tina, so don't second guess ANYTHING!

For your 3rd point, it piggybacks on the first two and how you've had your self esteem crushed.  We all have and its our jobs to take it back.  I can see through your words on this computer screen that you're genuine, loving, caring...you're an awesome person!  Own that Tina and don't ever let someone take that from you again.

For your 4th and 5th points, I completely get it because I was the same way.  Today I'm content though in my own skin and I try not to plan on anything that's outside my immediate control.  For example, if we were meeting in person I'd get ready early, make sure the car has gas, leave 20 minutes early to avoid traffic, etc.  But for everything else, I'm just letting it play out since I have no control over the rest.  A thousand things could go wrong, sure, but I'm an adult and I can deal with each of them as they come my way.

Tina, my friend, you have to learn to believe in yourself once again and you have to trust your gut instincts.  If someone doesn't like you, then the heck with them.  If someone is mean, it's because they are a jerk.  That's just showing you the people you shouldn't invest any energy in.  As I said earlier, we were all traumatized and hit with waves of depression, anger, etc. as we navigated through all of this mess.  It is your choice when to let it all go though, and for me it was getting out of my head and stop trying to plan for everything. 

Even today, I'm finalizing my divorce and I have to talk to my ex soon about splitting up assets, etc.  And I think, what if she opens up and wants me back?  Would I break off the engagement with an amazing gal that's perfect for me and treats me like a king?  It honestly scares me because it's that little voice in the back of my head saying I don't deserve this amazing new relationship or that it's my responsibility to "save my wife".  So don't get me wrong, even now I still have doubts and my mind is telling me at times to fight for that toxic relationship that destroyed me last year. 

Why?  LOL, I have no idea because I'm the happiest I've felt in probably a decade.  Yet that little voice is still there anyway, trying to self-sabotage everything because sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the past.  I can tell you though that the past is dead and we can't change it, we can't fix it, and we can't live there in present time.  We have to live for today and tomorrow and the day after that.

There's zero chance I give my ex another shot, but I'm being 100% open here with my deepest thoughts and fears.  Those doubts will always be there, no matter how small, and we just can't listen to them.  I hope that helps.
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tina7868
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« Reply #35 on: June 16, 2023, 10:47:20 AM »

Thank you for your reply, Pook!

Excerpt
You're doing great in a new town and he's still the same jerk.  You deserve better!

I feel embarassed to ask this question, but here it goes. What makes him a jerk? I feel like I am not able to say what he has done. I know that I certainly don't feel great. But he was honest with me, albeit in his own strange way (after asking me details about my new salary, where I will be working, where I will be staying...that's kind of weird right?). I know I have the tendency to be naive. My friends also say ´after all he has done to you...´. But what has he done to me? I feel like most of this situation is my own fault, because I have difficulty letting go.

Excerpt
For your 1st point, we all have to accept that happiness comes from within us.  Others can make us happy, sure, but we have to stand on our own two feet and be comfortable in our own skin.  How can we love someone else if we don't love ourselves?  So much of that comes from the toxic relationships we were in and the billion times we were told that we're not good enough.  That's the lie that pwBPD tell us to feel better about themselves, and at some point we all have to stop believing it.

For your 2nd point, all I can say is that you need to be you.  If you're super loving, caring, giving...then that's who you are.  I'm the same in my life, I always spoiled my wife and kids as much as humanly possible.  It backfired, of course, and I was taken advantage of far too often, but that doesn't mean it was a bad thing.  That's who I am...that's who you are...and there's someone out there that will adore you for being you.  

For a long time, I felt I needed to fix myself. What if nothing was broken to begin with?

I will make an effort to embrace myself, and to challenge the harsh thoughts that pop into my head.

Excerpt
Why?  LOL, I have no idea because I'm the happiest I've felt in probably a decade.  Yet that little voice is still there anyway, trying to self-sabotage everything because sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the past.  I can tell you though that the past is dead and we can't change it, we can't fix it, and we can't live there in present time.  We have to live for today and tomorrow and the day after that.

There's zero chance I give my ex another shot, but I'm being 100% open here with my deepest thoughts and fears.  Those doubts will always be there, no matter how small, and we just can't listen to them.  I hope that helps.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and being vulnerable. It really does help a lot.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2023, 10:54:32 AM by tina7868 » Logged
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« Reply #36 on: June 16, 2023, 02:03:12 PM »

I feel embarassed to ask this question, but here it goes. What makes him a jerk? I feel like I am not able to say what he has done. I know that I certainly don't feel great. But he was honest with me, albeit in his own strange way (after asking me details about my new salary, where I will be working, where I will be staying...that's kind of weird right?). I know I have the tendency to be naive. My friends also say ´after all he has done to you...´. But what has he done to me? I feel like most of this situation is my own fault, because I have difficulty letting go.

A lot of BPD / NPD people know how to manipulate you --- they are masters of it --- and you won't be able to even say exactly what they did but you feel dirty and used up and manipulated.   Often your friends and loved ones will be able to see it more clearly than you can.   Also the trauma bond wants to preserve itself, that's the bond in you, its own living entity.   One of the ways it does this is hijacks your psychology and convinces you that bad things they might have done "aren't that bad" you end up sort of lying to yourself without realizing it.   This is a topic I've been diving into a lot, because I think 99% of the problems discussed on this forum (by me too) would simply go away if we healed the trauma bond.
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Pook075
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« Reply #37 on: June 16, 2023, 02:09:21 PM »

I feel embarassed to ask this question, but here it goes. What makes him a jerk?

The simple answer is that any man who would make a woman doubt her own self worth is clearly a jerk.

One thing that always stuck with me was when we had my daughter in an in-house facility for BPD when she was unstable.  The nurse talking to us said that mental health has absolutely nothing to do with a person being nice or mean.  Those were conscious choices and while our kid couldn't always control her emotions, she could definitely choose to treat us good or treat us bad.  She went onto say that she'd had patients with every known mental illness, some much more severe than BPD, and many of them were super nice people who just happened to be mentally ill.

Maybe your ex isn't a monster like we'd see on the ID channel in those murder mystery shows, but he's certainly a jerk for devaluing you and treating you poorly.  My ex still speaks kindly to me, even though she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.  It's clearly a choice.
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« Reply #38 on: June 20, 2023, 03:31:37 PM »

Thank you for your replies! I think it's important for me to see the situation as objectively as possible. I want to be clear headed and act in ways that put my well being first. Taking a moment to assess my behaviours was a helpful exercise. What I am working towards is a form of detachment from situations that used to send me in a spiral. Recognizing my own value, being myself, and letting go are all well earned lessons from my journey. Every day, I am growing closer to my goals. 

The other day, I was messaging that person I was interested in. The same physical symptoms of anxiety  resurfaced: heart dropping, metallic taste in my mouth. Is it related to my previous experiences? Probably. I told myself, Tina, why all the drama? For what? Take a step back and assess the situation. It really isn't serious. Your whole life isn't dependent on this. No one is worth such a reaction.

My ex is gone. I know that he might resurface at some point, but I don't want to hold my breath. He's gone, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, and that's okay. If I hear from him again, I have an action plan. Those physical symptoms won't trick me into believing some miracle has occured and I get to talk to him. No. He's just a person.

 
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« Reply #39 on: June 20, 2023, 07:32:26 PM »

Thank you for your replies! I think it's important for me to see the situation as objectively as possible. I want to be clear headed and act in ways that put my well being first. Taking a moment to assess my behaviours was a helpful exercise. What I am working towards is a form of detachment from situations that used to send me in a spiral. Recognizing my own value, being myself, and letting go are all well earned lessons from my journey. Every day, I am growing closer to my goals. 

The other day, I was messaging that person I was interested in. The same physical symptoms of anxiety  resurfaced: heart dropping, metallic taste in my mouth. Is it related to my previous experiences? Probably. I told myself, Tina, why all the drama? For what? Take a step back and assess the situation. It really isn't serious. Your whole life isn't dependent on this. No one is worth such a reaction.

My ex is gone. I know that he might resurface at some point, but I don't want to hold my breath. He's gone, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, and that's okay. If I hear from him again, I have an action plan. Those physical symptoms won't trick me into believing some miracle has occured and I get to talk to him. No. He's just a person.

 


Good for you.  It was a major turning point when I accepted that my ex doesn't get to dictate how I feel.  Detaching came quickly afterwards since my feelings finally relied on me (and no one else).  My default mood became happy and eager to see what the day had in store for me.  It wasn't long after that I found love as well- all off accepting that my ex did not have my best interests at heart.

It feels like you're getting really close to that as well.  Maybe he still has some emotional power over you, but at least you see it, accept it, and are actively working towards breaking those last few shoestrings connecting you.  All good stuff Tina!
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tina7868
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« Reply #40 on: June 23, 2023, 12:37:46 PM »

My mood comes in waves. I was consistently happy for a while there (waking up with upbeat songs in my head!). It feels like I experience a “ricochet” effect sometimes, where I move forward to a new level of detachment and then regress back to how I was…maybe a year ago?

Lately, I’ve been feeling down. Crying, having thoughts that even I recognize as cognitive distortions. I miss him a lot. Thoughts about him pop up in my head. I try meditating, exercising, focusing on work, being around people I care about and…nothing.

Some friends, although happy for me, expressed concern over my move because I will be physically closer to my ex. I don’t think it’ll make any difference. What I feel now I think I will feel there.

I know there is nothing more I can do than what I’ve done. I respect his boundaries. I do feel like maybe, this time is the last time.
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« Reply #41 on: June 23, 2023, 12:39:29 PM »

A warm thank you to this community, for being supportive and there and non judgemental, and meeting me where I am at. I am so grateful.
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« Reply #42 on: June 23, 2023, 01:01:57 PM »

Hi tina7868, first of all, some  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) for you.

Not sure I have much wisdom to offer, just that I'm also coping with feelings that come in waves and change between "mostly okay" and very down (though it's not related to an ex).

You're not alone in feeling so down and sad, even while at the same time you can rationally identify and label what's going on in your head.

We're both here today. It's always good to hear from you;

kells76
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« Reply #43 on: June 23, 2023, 02:11:40 PM »

A warm thank you to this community, for being supportive and there and non judgemental, and meeting me where I am at. I am so grateful.

Of course. You will always have support here and we are a fam.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
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« Reply #44 on: June 23, 2023, 04:31:27 PM »

A warm thank you to this community, for being supportive and there and non judgemental, and meeting me where I am at. I am so grateful.

Absolutely Tina, we're all here for you just like you're here for us.  We're all in this jumbled mess together.

I mentioned this in another thread but for me, it was realizing that even if my wife came back today- what would it be like?  Would we be madly in love like when we first met?  Or would I have to walk on eggshells, hold back my emotions, and pretend like things that really, really bother me aren't actually important? 

I really love the person I've become- it's like I'm the person that I was in high school and in college all over again.  That version of me died off many years ago because my ex didn't love me or respect me in a way that makes a successful marriage.  Who knew I could get that person back...that I was there the entire time?? 

I can't stop being me to appease my disordered wife, and you shouldn't stop being you either.  That's why how much I love my wife doesn't play into my future plans...I now love myself more (as we're all supposed to do).  Make sense?  Hopefully that helps.
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« Reply #45 on: June 23, 2023, 04:49:02 PM »

Thank you all for your support. It is very humbling to have thought I was further along my journey than I am.

I feel like I can hear sound and logical things - if he came back today, it could be a bad thing for me ultimately, I could live my life in a relationship where I can’t express myself openly - but it’s all getting blocked against a wall.

The telling me he wants to date me again, the intense withdrawal after I couldn’t make it to see him, him dating and finding a partner who he has now been with for a year, the sporadic messaging and calls that dissipated into nothing at all, not telling me about it, blaming it on his girlfriend.

I still want to hear from him. I keep asking, do you think I will hear from him again? Do you think it is the last time? To my friends and family. They tell me it doesn’t matter. It does matter to me.
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« Reply #46 on: June 24, 2023, 09:33:40 AM »

Hi tina--still here, still reading, and still sending support your way. As others have said above, we're all in this together! You've come so far in your process, and reading about your journey has helped to inspire me, too.

I still want to hear from him. I keep asking, do you think I will hear from him again? Do you think it is the last time? To my friends and family. They tell me it doesn’t matter. It does matter to me.

I get this. Your friends and family care about you and want to protect your heart. It sounds like they are trying to judge your focus away from him a bit, and encourage you to focus a bit more on yourself.

Who do you want to be five years from now? How do you want to feel? What goals do you want to achieve? What kind of day-to-day life do you want?
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« Reply #47 on: June 24, 2023, 11:33:52 AM »

The telling me he wants to date me again, the intense withdrawal after I couldn’t make it to see him

Hi Tina,  I gather you are still hurting quite a bit.  I had a similar experience, with my ex coming back wanting to get back together, I wouldn’t agree to, she discarded.  Even though the manipulation pattern might be obvious to someone on the outside looking in, it still hurt because the trauma bond with her is still intact, which makes your mind play the lots of tricks on you that you talked about, like wondering if they will ever contact you again, etc.  Its all essentially the trauma bond trying to renew itself.   This last time I clearly saw that every interaction — even if its her wanting to get back together and validating the part of me that still craves validation — every interaction will be painful.  So I can’t engage with her at all and have to leave her blocked on everything and not respond even if she circumvents the blocks.  Its a terrible position to be in, sad to think it is necessary to do this to someone who we once loved, but this seems to be the point from which real healing can occur, once you fully accept that its over.
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« Reply #48 on: June 25, 2023, 08:08:59 AM »

Thank you for your messages.

It's been rough for the past couple of days. I know that all the change going on in my life is contributing to the way I feel. The intrusive thoughts are mainly about how he must be happy with his girlfriend, how he chose her over me.

I ended our last conversation saying if he changed his mind about reconnecting, I would be there. I am worried that I should have said something else. I also know that the best thing to do in the long run, not just from a hope for reconciliation point of view but also from a detachment point of view, is to respect his boundaries, focus on myself, and let him reach out to me

I ended our last conversation saying if he changed his mind about reconnecting, I would be there. I am worried that I should have said something else. Do I count that as the last time we spoke?

Excerpt
I get this. Your friends and family care about you and want to protect your heart. It sounds like they are trying to judge your focus away from him a bit, and encourage you to focus a bit more on yourself.

I realize I feel frustration when talking to them because, as receptive and kind and attentive as they are, what I need to hear is ´I think you will hear from him again, Tina. The circumstances in your life should have nothing to do with how you identify yourself. You have so much value and love to give. I really do think he will contact you again, I think you being closer to him will change things. Be patient, keep your head up, and focus on your day to day´. I can't convince myself of that, and so I keep beating around the point when I share my feelings with others, but it's never enough to make me feel better.
Excerpt
Who do you want to be five years from now? How do you want to feel? What goals do you want to achieve? What kind of day-to-day life do you want?
Someone asked me this question not too long ago. I struggled to answer it! It is hard for me to imagine myself feeling past how I feel now, although I know logically I will feel better. Realistically, I know I will still have good and bad days. I hope that the stable, peaceful, content version of myself dominates. I also know that is the version of me that would have the best chance of having a successful relationship with my ex. Otherwise, I hope to have traveled, to have accomplished career goals, and to have a nice big kitchen to cook in  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #49 on: June 26, 2023, 01:51:08 PM »

I ended our last conversation saying if he changed his mind about reconnecting, I would be there. I am worried that I should have said something else. Do I count that as the last time we spoke?

I realize I feel frustration when talking to them because, as receptive and kind and attentive as they are, what I need to hear is ´I think you will hear from him again, Tina. The circumstances in your life should have nothing to do with how you identify yourself. You have so much value and love to give. I really do think he will contact you again, I think you being closer to him will change things. Be patient, keep your head up, and focus on your day to day´. I can't convince myself of that, and so I keep beating around the point when I share my feelings with others, but it's never enough to make me feel better.

Hi tina--if I can read between the lines a bit here: It sounds like you (a) are hoping your ex reaches out, (b) feeling responsible for whether he reaches out or now, based on what you last said, and (c) feel like you need him to reach out in order to be happy.

This is a really painful place to be stuck in. I've been stuck in a similar space for much of the past year. Sleepless nights of checking my phone to see if my ex had texted/called/emailed. Replaying our last interaction endlessly in my head to try and figure out what I could have done differently. Worrying and obsessing over the future. Intrusive thoughts about my ex's new relationship and how it must be so much better than ours was. It hurt so bad to be stuck in that emotional place. I was defining myself based on the breakup, and whatever my ex did/didn't do after the breakup. I was letting my identify and self-worth be determined by my ex. Most of all, I was stuck.

It sounds like your friends are telling you what you *know* intellectually to be true, but emotionally it doesn't *feel* true yet. And that's totally ok! Oftentimes our brains and our hearts change at different paces.

I have *known* for a long time that I don't need my ex to be happy. I never did. But it hasn't started to *feel* true until pretty recently. I still have down days. But I'm also having more frequent up days. I'm starting to be able to envision a future without her. I'm still sad about the breakup. I still miss her. I still care about her. I'm still mad at her. But I don't think about her quite as much as I used to.

As stuck as you feel right now, know that I see you growing across the various threads and posts on these boards.
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« Reply #50 on: June 26, 2023, 06:43:04 PM »

Thanks cranmango  Smiling (click to insert in post) I’m so glad to hear you’ve been feeling more of a sense of alignment. The way you describe being stuck is exactly how I felt. It really sucks.

I have been feeling better today. A big stress has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels like I dislocated a muscle, and now it’s been put back in place. I read my posts over the past few days and feel compassion.

I think acceptance and honesty with myself helped a lot. I accept that a part of me will always love him. He meant a lot to me. He was there during my formative years. His presence influenced me and helped me grow. The relationship didn’t work out not only because of external circumstances, but also because we were young and didn’t know ourselves. Neither of us had good examples growing up of what a healthy relationship looks like. And then throw in mental health aspects into the mix. It didn’t survive.

And that’s okay. I still love him, from afar. I think I was worried that a future partner might erase what this meant to me. Instead, if I can share my experience with a future partner and they accept that, I do feel my heart opening to new experiences.

All of this is my perspective. I can’t speak to what the relationship meant to him, and I know it isn’t up to me to force him to take stock of the role our relationship might or might not have had in his life. I can speak for myself; I loved him in the way I knew how at the time, it was messy but it was deep.

Okay my speech is done  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: June 27, 2023, 06:55:43 AM »

Hi tina--sounds like you 'rode the wave' and came  out on the other side. I am so glad to hear it.

I think acceptance and honesty with myself helped a lot. I accept that a part of me will always love him. He meant a lot to me. He was there during my formative years. His presence influenced me and helped me grow. The relationship didn’t work out not only because of external circumstances, but also because we were young and didn’t know ourselves. Neither of us had good examples growing up of what a healthy relationship looks like. And then throw in mental health aspects into the mix. It didn’t survive.

And that’s okay. I still love him, from afar. I think I was worried that a future partner might erase what this meant to me. Instead, if I can share my experience with a future partner and they accept that, I do feel my heart opening to new experiences.

All of this is my perspective. I can’t speak to what the relationship meant to him, and I know it isn’t up to me to force him to take stock of the role our relationship might or might not have had in his life. I can speak for myself; I loved him in the way I knew how at the time, it was messy but it was deep.

Wow. Kudos to you for having such a balanced perspective. This is great stuff. I am going to save this one, to come back to when I need a reminder for myself, too!
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« Reply #52 on: July 27, 2023, 12:09:43 PM »

Hello everyone! These past few weeks have brought a lot of change in my life (and a lot still to come).

Excerpt
All of this is my perspective. I can’t speak to what the relationship meant to him, and I know it isn’t up to me to force him to take stock of the role our relationship might or might not have had in his life. I can speak for myself; I loved him in the way I knew how at the time, it was messy but it was deep.

It makes me feel peaceful reading this. It is quite relevant given recent events. After having reflected myself and felt ready to embrace a future where I meet someone new, I reached out to my ex to ask if he would mind sharing his perspective about our past relationship. I tried to make it clear that this would be a one off thing. I had realized that there was a lot of confusion that lingered for me around the time he started his current relationship. I was ready to hear the truth (like maybe he just lost interest).

His response felt hurtful to me, denied my request, and said we wouldn't talk again. Ouch! That threw me off more than I'd like to admit. While I understood that underneath it all it comes down to his own choices not to be kind, nor deal with his feelings, I regressed. I felt plagued with intrusive thoughts and my mind relived events from the past as though they happened yesterday.

These past few days, I have been giving myself more compassion. I can finally say, yes, I felt hurt. I felt led on for three years, during which he interacted with me just enough to have me feel a sense of hope that there was a potential future between us. Intentionally or not, that's what happened, nothing more. I had genuine feelings for him and made it clear (despite whatever abandonment issues he may have, he himself has expressed that he knew I cared about him). BPD diagnosis or not, he was selfish. All of the efforts I put into understanding him, posting here trying to find how to approach the situation to have some sort of relationship with him, amount to nothing, because they're based on nothing of substance.

I feel like I can finally cut the cord between us. I wish him well, but I want to keep my head up. I have put in so much effort into growing, it would be a shame to bring myself down for someone who wasn't meant for me.

I still wonder whether this really is the end or whether I will hear from him again. I moved to a new city for a job that has me closer to where he lives, and he knows it, and part of me wonders how that would play out. Yet, that's all out of my control.

I realized in the past three years, there has not been a period longer than 3 months between times we have been in contact. That both scares me, and brings me hope. The part that is scared is saying ´what if it's really over´ and the part that has hope thinks, if I make it that far this time, if he doesn't contact me, that could be the greatest thing, I can finally be free.
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« Reply #53 on: July 27, 2023, 04:38:29 PM »

Hello everyone! These past few weeks have brought a lot of change in my life (and a lot still to come).

It makes me feel peaceful reading this. It is quite relevant given recent events. After having reflected myself and felt ready to embrace a future where I meet someone new, I reached out to my ex to ask if he would mind sharing his perspective about our past relationship. I tried to make it clear that this would be a one off thing. I had realized that there was a lot of confusion that lingered for me around the time he started his current relationship. I was ready to hear the truth (like maybe he just lost interest).

His response felt hurtful to me, denied my request, and said we wouldn't talk again. Ouch! That threw me off more than I'd like to admit. While I understood that underneath it all it comes down to his own choices not to be kind, nor deal with his feelings, I regressed. I felt plagued with intrusive thoughts and my mind relived events from the past as though they happened yesterday.

These past few days, I have been giving myself more compassion. I can finally say, yes, I felt hurt. I felt led on for three years, during which he interacted with me just enough to have me feel a sense of hope that there was a potential future between us. Intentionally or not, that's what happened, nothing more. I had genuine feelings for him and made it clear (despite whatever abandonment issues he may have, he himself has expressed that he knew I cared about him). BPD diagnosis or not, he was selfish. All of the efforts I put into understanding him, posting here trying to find how to approach the situation to have some sort of relationship with him, amount to nothing, because they're based on nothing of substance.

I feel like I can finally cut the cord between us. I wish him well, but I want to keep my head up. I have put in so much effort into growing, it would be a shame to bring myself down for someone who wasn't meant for me.

I still wonder whether this really is the end or whether I will hear from him again. I moved to a new city for a job that has me closer to where he lives, and he knows it, and part of me wonders how that would play out. Yet, that's all out of my control.

I realized in the past three years, there has not been a period longer than 3 months between times we have been in contact. That both scares me, and brings me hope. The part that is scared is saying ´what if it's really over´ and the part that has hope thinks, if I make it that far this time, if he doesn't contact me, that could be the greatest thing, I can finally be free.


You are FREE if you CHOOSE it. You have the power and the control.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #54 on: July 30, 2023, 08:44:44 AM »

I choose to be FREE!

Another truth has sunk in. I was so unhappy in that relationship, and later in that situationship! I acted (or it felt in my head) like it was so important for me to win him back, like peace would be restored. Not at all! I am remembering. Rumination that kept me up all night, feeling like if I could just explain myself properly maybe I’d be understood, acting in ways that I am not proud of. I wasn’t present with friends, it held me back so much from being myself.
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« Reply #55 on: July 30, 2023, 10:57:45 AM »

I choose to be FREE!

Another truth has sunk in. I was so unhappy in that relationship, and later in that situationship! I acted (or it felt in my head) like it was so important for me to win him back, like peace would be restored. Not at all! I am remembering. Rumination that kept me up all night, feeling like if I could just explain myself properly maybe I’d be understood, acting in ways that I am not proud of. I wasn’t present with friends, it held me back so much from being myself.

I did the exact same thing and finally had the exact same realization- what was it I wanted to rush back into?  My ex always putting herself first, feeling alone 90% of the time, and never having a true adult conversation with my partner?  Why would any sane person possibly want that?

And that's when it sort of hit me.  Instead of rising up in my own life, I was sinking down in co-dependence and letting her BPD control every outcome.  Maybe she can't overcome it and seek the proper help, but surely I can overcome her mental illness and accept the situation for what it is.  So I stopped chasing, stopped wondering all those "what ifs", and just accepted that I wasn't going to sacrifice myself any longer.  That's not love.
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« Reply #56 on: July 30, 2023, 01:18:59 PM »

I choose to be FREE!

Another truth has sunk in. I was so unhappy in that relationship, and later in that situationship! I acted (or it felt in my head) like it was so important for me to win him back, like peace would be restored. Not at all! I am remembering. Rumination that kept me up all night, feeling like if I could just explain myself properly maybe I’d be understood, acting in ways that I am not proud of. I wasn’t present with friends, it held me back so much from being myself.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #57 on: August 04, 2023, 12:24:46 PM »

Hello  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Hope you are doing well!

Today I woke up with a very weird feeling - a sense that he is closeby. I know it sounds weird and I don't know how to explain it. I feel restless and like something is going to happen. The thought of something happening makes me feel anxious, but the thought of nothing happening makes me even more anxious. If I were to describe this anxious feeling more, I would say I feel like I can't move much, my body feels frozen while my mind is racing.

I will accept that I feel this way and that it's part of the process. All these feelings really lead me to think that I am the problem - why can't I just enjoy the peace in my life? The fact that he is leaving me alone is allowing me the space I needed to heal. I feel like I am getting in my own way.
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« Reply #58 on: August 04, 2023, 02:41:29 PM »

Hello  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Hope you are doing well!

Today I woke up with a very weird feeling - a sense that he is closeby. I know it sounds weird and I don't know how to explain it. I feel restless and like something is going to happen. The thought of something happening makes me feel anxious, but the thought of nothing happening makes me even more anxious. If I were to describe this anxious feeling more, I would say I feel like I can't move much, my body feels frozen while my mind is racing.

I will accept that I feel this way and that it's part of the process. All these feelings really lead me to think that I am the problem - why can't I just enjoy the peace in my life? The fact that he is leaving me alone is allowing me the space I needed to heal. I feel like I am getting in my own way.

So my dear Tina...you have come a long way and it is indeed a hard process. However, I do have to ask...is there something in your background where there was a traumatic experience where you were left alone, abandoned, or really hurt because you were promised something and it didn't come to fruition?

In your history have you been the one to break up or the one getting broke up with?

I am probing a bit because you are getting in your own way because your focus is still placed on him instead of yourself. When I say yourself that doesn't just mean the now. That also means doing the uncomfortable deep dive to resolve issues you may have compartmentalized and forgotten about.

As much as this is a grieving experience and process this is also a learning and reflection process and experience.

Again, please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #59 on: August 04, 2023, 03:48:53 PM »

Excerpt
So my dear Tina...you have come a long way and it is indeed a hard process. However, I do have to ask...is there something in your background where there was a traumatic experience where you were left alone, abandoned, or really hurt because you were promised something and it didn't come to fruition?

In your history have you been the one to break up or the one getting broke up with?

I am probing a bit because you are getting in your own way because your focus is still placed on him instead of yourself. When I say yourself that doesn't just mean the now. That also means doing the uncomfortable deep dive to resolve issues you may have compartmentalized and forgotten about.

As much as this is a grieving experience and process this is also a learning and reflection process and experience.

Again, please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you for your kind message, SC.

I can't think of a specific experience that hurt me, but there has definitely been an unstable dynamic in my family that led me to be used to feeling let down. There was a lot of fighting between my parents when I was growing up, and certain poor financial decisions made by my father led us to move around a lot and only settle later in my teenage years. I learned to not trust him when he made promises, but there was always a part of me that wanted to believe in him. His moods were sometimes very joyous and kind and generous, and other times moody and distant or raging. I thought in my mind as a child that if I was well behaved and interesting and funny maybe he would spend more time with us at home instead of sometimes disappearing for days. Amidst all of this, a close family member had a mental illness that required a lot of attention. I would feel resentful because I wanted attention and then guilty because it was not their fault. Although I know my upbringing affects me, I don't think my experience was especially traumatic compared to a lot of other people's, and I am grateful for a lot.

I have reflected on my childhood and how it led me to become who I am today. When my ex came along, he definitely had many traits and we formed dynamics that in hindsight remind me of my dad. For example, him threatening to kill himself if I left him was something I had seen a lot of growing up (both my dad and him even held knives, it was such deja vu!), and I weirdly equated that sort of behaviour with love (I recognize now it's more in line with manipulation). Me feeling like I am waiting for him to ­­´come around´ is also reminiscent of how I felt when I was younger. It's really hard for me to let go.  I had been attached to older male figures before my ex with intense crushes, but have not had a serious relationship before or since.

I feel as this is playing out that I really am far behind in my process. I feel like my ex isn't the bad guy here - I am the one who was too attached, and trying to play out an ending to my own story where I can prove my worth. I feel like maybe he was justified in being so harsh with me. This shift in perspective comes after all these years of my friends and family saying that he wasn't good for me - what if all along they didn't see the truth, which is that I am the one who is stuck like this?
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