SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is hard to answer, I think he left emotionally months before leaving physically.  After the rage, I asked him to leave.  But was the rage introduced to force me to ask him?  He straightened up pretty quick when the cops showed up, so he obviously can control himself.  Afterward he said he had never gotten so angry before, ever, and would be seeking counseling.  I would of loved to be a fly on the wall for that, maybe not, from reading all your stories, I can imagine what he said.

Maybe the better question is was he ever here?  Uwwwwwwwww, deep thoughts.

[Annaleigh]

This is hard to answer, I think he left emotionally months before leaving physically.  After the rage, I asked him to leave.  But was the rage introduced to force me to ask him?  He straightened up pretty quick when the cops showed up, so he obviously can control himself.  Afterward he said he had never gotten so angry before, ever, and would be seeking counseling.  I would of loved to be a fly on the wall for that, maybe not, from reading all your stories, I can imagine what he said.

Maybe the better question is was he ever here?  Uwwwwwwwww, deep thoughts.

[confused!!!]

she stopped contacting me, despite things seemingly somewhat normal between us (or maybe I just didn't see the new flags waving around). Turns out she had someone lined up (emotional connection, not sure if physical). I found out in a roundabout way, via the new distraction, a supposed friend of mine. That's when exgf went NC on me. 4 months ago. Ex friend also ditched me as a friend. Not much of a friend.

The more time goes by and healing takes place, the more a sense of betrayal I feel, not for the ex but for the (ex) friend. No loyalty. Better off without either of them in my life. I've had to deal with feelings of abandonment AND betrayal. Difficult but important lessons.

[beatrixkiddo]

I'm trying to do the leaving myself. I'm afraid it won't truly end until I can find a replacement for me. I know that sounds horrible, but I know the level of coercementing that's going to happen. I left for 2 months in November 2008. The coercementing was insane. It made me insane. I was a basket case. He agreed to therapy, and that's when he got diagnosed. That changed the game for me. When I realized his behavior was the result of a legitimate disorder, I couldn't "abandon" him. I have a younger sister with schizophrenia, and my mother's response to that was to disown her. My exh (non) and I took her in, and I worked with her for a year. She was non-verbal when we first got her. But after a really hard year, she got better. That was 2002. Today she is fully functional and on her meds. Every doctor told me should wouldn't recover. So I told him if anyone could walk him through it, it was me. I thought I could apply that same theory to borderline. I was WRONG! He's only gotten worse. He has no desire to change.

So I've made the decision to go. Packing this weekend while his brother took him out of town so I could pack in peace. He has no idea I'm going, and I'm a basket case for now. I had to take a break from packing and log in here for some good reminders of why I am going. I don't know why I am so sad. I should be dancing in the street. Its been a complete nightmare these last few years! I'm am a shell of who I once was. The relentless verbal and physical abuse has destroyed my personality. I really don't have feelings for him anymore. He's brutally destroyed anything I ever felt. Unfortunately, we have so much stuff together, I think its going to be difficult to do NC and that's what I really need. I'm so worried about the coercementing, that Ive even thought of setting up an eharmony account for him, so he could move on. That's terrible. I know. It would just make it easier if he would finalize the ending.

[just_think]

first break up: most mature thing I've ever done.  We both agreed and left on good terms.

final break up: all her followed by a (faked?) dissociative episode and a 911 call from me.

[Upbeat Girl]

My DPDH left me but continues to make me feel like it is my decision. He refuses to come home even after I have told him that I love him and would like to do marriage counselling. I have also asked him to consider not drinking- it wasn't an order or ultimatum. (It seems that he has taken it that way though). The final straw for me after a 28 yr marriage was our 21 yo hooked on Oxycontin (in an attempt to escape reality) and severely depressed, followed by our 14 yo who was so depressed, he was suicidal. Both were the result of living in a very unsavoury emotional climate at home.I guess I was prepared to be a martyr but realised that I am an adult and as children, my sons were never given the opportunity to make that choice.I made it for them,I stopped giving our marriage  the 95% I had been putting in and dropped it back to the 50% that I should have been contributing all along. It died quite suddenly really.

[SunflowerFields]

It was supposed to be a romantic weekend for the new beginning for us (the draft of his divorce papers was served to his wife).

He lied about something big.

I caught him in the lie.

It escalated and turned into physical violence for the first time.

I exposed his lies and manipulations to one of his best friends.

We spoke later. He was broken hearted over what happened but used it as an excuse to agree with my "time apart we both need" suggestion. Which I immediately found strange.

I found it was a calculated attempt so he can go alone to a place he told me he wasn't going anymore because we weren't together anymore.

That lie was the final straw.

I told him he was a pathological liar, that from now on he could lie to someone else and that is no longer going to be me.

He sent a couple of texts defending himself and trying to put the fault on me in the process.

I no longer bothered defending myself or responding.

That was it for me.

Day 10 of NC now and hoping it stays that way. It is incredibly hard and I still cry several times a day. But I won't let him back again.

[scotlandthebrave]

He died. Probably the only way it could have really ended. Ultimate NC.

[myself]

She is undiagnosed BPD, NPD, ptsd, +, and she's the one who left.

[saphirewidow]

This is a hard question for me to answer.   I said that none of the above apply to me.  In a way I guess I could say my husband with BPD did leave me.  When he was in a really bad episode I left the house with the kids and told him we couldn't come back until he could control his behaviors.  He chose to overdose and end his life rather then live with the continued emotional pain.  He felt like I was divorcing him even though I told him I wasn't.  I told him I was seperating until he could get through this episode.  I am sad for him because he was truly a miserable, confused, hurting man  and I could do nothing to make it better.  I couldn't  make him happy.  He couldn't believe I loved him and so he was mean and hurtful. When I tried to set limits and hold him accountable for unacceptable behaviors it escalated his behavior.  When I pulled away to protect our children and myself he felt abandoned and killed himself.  I am sad for my husband because of the misery he lived in.  Sad for my children because they love their Daddy and won't get to see him again until eternity.   BPD really sucks.  And we are powerless to heal and change them. 

[gettingoverit]

I guess it depends what you mean by leave? I think mine left me emotionally after the one year honeymoon period ended. From that point on she broke up with me 5 times in 6.5 years. I have to admit that I was able to talk/convince her to come back each and every time. What I did not know was that while we were split up or on one of our many "breaks" she was out hunting for a new partner. When nothing came to fruition, she would agree to come back to me (I found this out from a friend of ours after she split with me for good). Finally this last time she left me because she had her hooks into our neighbour/former friend of mine. They hooked up literally days if not hours after she split with me. Six weeks later they were engaged. Since she has moved out, I have heard not a peep from her (I don't count sneaking by my house at midnight to drop off photos and mementos of us as contact). I guess her new love muffin is keeping her busy right now. I don't feel too bad anymore because as it turns out her new toy is just as much of a wack job as she is. Man I wish I had front row seats to see this epic disaster unfold! 

[lucnatmar]

"I don't know if you can really cope with BPD? Either us nons or the ones who have it.

   The only reason our relationship even had a chance, was because Tina took responsibility for herself, sought help, and followed through."

Been there,

If this question is too personal, please just ignore it.

I am curious as to what you feel triggered your wife to get help?  I ask because it is usually so difficult for folks with this issue to acknowledg they need help and then trusting a therapist enough to actually heed their advice.

I also ask because my wife is someone who clearly needs help, and I think the only way she could ever acknowledge that, is to completely hit rock bottom.  Even then, it still may not be enough to stimulate her.  We are going through a divorce (which she filed for) and things have not gone her way in court and I believe she fears the custody evaluation is also going to be bad for her (she cut off all communication with the CE).  She came to me a month ago and said she no longer wanted to get divorced (again, likely because the truth has been trickling out about her behavior) and she wanted to know if I had hope.  For the first time in my 20 years being married to her, I finally stood up for what was right.  I told her; for there to be a sliver of hope, you need to do three things; acknowledge the truth, acknowledge the damage your behaviors have caused the entire family and lastly, get the right help and follow their advice.  She has basically ingnored this request so far, and I just don't think her defense mechanisms, will ever allow her to submit for help.

[Love153040]

I voted "BPD left me [BPD decision]." I chose this because  my husband was the one who decided to leave me. That being said, he left several other times, staying gone for a little as overnight to as long as 2 weeks. All of the other times I said he could come back so I suppose he believed I'd let him come back this time too. He was wrong.

At first I thought we could remain friends, but in time I have come to realize that it is impossible.  

[MaybeSo]

I checked off pwBPD left me. He actually kicked me out of our home after two of our most stable years, with no warning.

This after a total of six years of push pull where just about every option on the list was represented, mostly me feeling forced to leave him because I couldn't handle the behavior.

Just nutz.

[g00dness]

We had a big fight a month ago and he decided to move in with a friend, I apologized for my part in it immediately (eggshells, eggshells) and then a little over two weeks ago we finally have a big long talk (initiated by him) where he says he doesn't just still love me but that he's so in love with me. we talk about the future... .getting married next year... .all plans still in place, knowing we've got some work to do.

Last saturday he tells me via fb that he doesn't know if he's committed to this anymore, that we'll talk about later, after he's back from moving to another city for a while (dropped at the same time, not saying how long he's planning to do this, and, I guess, assuming I'd wait). I told him my heart was shattering, blahblahblah and logged off. I didn't contact him again. I received a text on Tuesday saying, "I need to get my stuff. We'll talk when I come. Prob Thurs." I call to let him that, yes, it's okay he comes Thursday since he so kindly asked and again told him I was hurting and asked if this meant we were broken up, but never pleading with him or asking to reconsider. We were broken up.

Thursday rolls around... .I was actually pretty excited because this was going to be the last time I'd be waiting on him. Closure. Or so I thought. I text midday to see when he's going to come. No response. I finally call around seven. Nothing. I text Friday asking if he can get his stuff after work. He says he has plans and he'll send his daughter. I say, no, I need you to do it for closure and so I can say goodbye face-to-face. He's supposed to come when he's back from weekend trip.

Turns out Thursday when he was supposed to come he was with a new girl (16yrs his jr) who he was talking about getting married to on Friday. For all I know, they could be married. I'm gonna drop his stuff off and just send him a text saying, "I'm thankful through you I got to know and love your kids and also Thanks for doing something I didn't have the courage to do. Goodbye."

I hope it's the end.

[Unicorn]

My uBPH left me this week.  We'd been living estranged in the same house and a couple of weeks ago had a big disagreement and he spun out.  It hadnt happened for sometime (seeing as we dont really communicate). But this one basically spelt it out loud for both of us.  While he was able to keep calm on the whole, as soon as there's a need to communicate, i had said something that pressed a button for him and then it just all fell apart.  He called me names and carried on and it took him about 3 days before he could even look at me.    I'm apprehensive about what will happen now.  Even though I'd been working up to leaving, now that he's left - its still so painful for me.  I still struggle with the urge to 'fix' things. I've been really good with the no contact by phone, text or email.  But struggling with NC as he's still in the process of moving.  I know it's going to be hard for him to accept NC, so Im pretty much dreading it.  But if others here have done it, Im sure I can too.

[C12P21]

I divorced my exh due to the abuse and his never ending cheating.

Enter in exNPDbf that I knew from the past, I ended our r/s in 1978, we recycled thirty years later. He ended it-although requesting to be friends, I said no.

C

[MindfulJavaJoe]

She rejected me and asked that I stop fixing the r/s.

She then fell "sick" and asked me to sleep with her again. This was soon followed by false accusations of D/V.

I chose to divorce her to protect myself and put an end to the maddness.

She keep alternating between wanting to engage and be friends and painting me black.

I reamain constant in my message to her. I no longer love her and want to reclaim my life.

[phoebe]

Never suspected a thing other than my uBPD friend was strange at times with pushing me away than pulling me back in. Did not know about BPD. We were very close, and she immersed herself so deeply into my life and my physical disease(MS) One Friday she was talking to my adult son via Facebook, and by phone, saying all kinds of weird stuff. Then by Tuesday of the following week she unfriended me from all social networks that we were friends on (we live far away from each other although I visited her, and talked to her on a daily basis) And we have not spoken since. She has slandered me to not only her friends,  but mine as well, and tried to take out a restraining order on me... .strange behavior from someone who claimed to love me so dearly, and only sought to help me with my disease. Have not seen each other in 2 years, nor spoken. She would not accept any of my phone calls, respond to any of my emails... .NOTHING I tried to do made any difference at all. I am getting a little better everyday, however, it still hurts. I only pray that one day she realizes she is sick and gets the help she needs, and deserves, she is a person too. Just very lost and alone. Talk about being put on a pedastool and then having the pedastoll yanked out from underneath you. It was extremely hard for me to deal with, and somedays it remains to be. I really valued this person and our friendship, and like many others on here, I do not do well with the no closure, I need a logical explination... .but as I have learned... .pwBPD have no logic behind what they do, or at least what they do seems logical to them because of their emotional fear of engulfment, abandoment , or whatever else they can't emtionally deal with. Really sad, it was seemingly a great friendship for the most part. But as I have learned in a very hard way, things are not always what they seem to be

[FindingMe2011]

In my case, when I posed this question to myself, it was somewhat conflicting. I spent 14 yrs with BPD. Although we never physically split up until the end. So the recycling, was of a different type, i guess. In the begining of the separation I would have said, she left me. She was starting or was in an affair ( second one confirmed), showing signs of violence,and dysregulated what seemed to be 24/7. When we discussed me staying somewhere else for a few days, something told me this would be it, if I walked out the door. I had been telling myself this, for years. I had this feeling, I had been given, a get out of jail free card, although there was no good feelings, I could feel, just straight PAIN. So there it was, mass CONFUSSION, till the very end. I now see, how my working on myself, during the last 3-4 months or so of r/s, scared the hell out of BPD. I really did try to grab her by the arm and drag her through the other side. So I guess, now I could say, I forced it also. After the separation, and knowledge of BPD, it was able to fit into my anylitical mind. Painful, but at least it made sense, for once.  For me now, the way it ended, really doesnt matter. It was a prewritten script that was going to play out, unless I was able to rise to the occassion, like I had so many countless times before. I wouldnt/couldnt do it anymore,  I was spent.  PEACE

[Cannon]

After spending much time on this site it seems like the BPD physically leaves the relationship first in much, much greater numbers than does the Non.  Of course, emotionally, they often leave long before they physically leave. 

I left mine.  Broke up with her and told she needed to find somewhere else to live.  Her ensuing actions warranted an RO.  Getting the RO was the best decision I made during the course of the relationship.  It was the impetus which allowed me to begin to separate from the illness and it's damage done.

I still loved her at the time.  It took a long time to get over it.  Anyone here go through something similar?

[OTH]

The attachment is the same. It hurts. I loved my ex very much. The roller coaster was too much for me. We went through one of our "good periods" right before i left for a long weekend to take care of a property I own in another state. We kissed passionately at the airport when I left. When I got back she wouldn't touch me. After 3 days I just said this isn't working. She left at the end of the week. I've had a lot of contact since then. Even a couple recycles. A word to the wise... .The recycles are very damaging. You are tainted for abandoning and the ups and downs are more frequent and steep. If you are out do your best to move on. It is very hard at first but starting a new routine can help. Exercise, eating right, renewed focus at work, picking up hobbies, start a new hobby, planned nights out... .Reclaim your life. It feels like you are faking it at first but it gets better. Your new routine takes over and your brain starts functioning like it should.

Good luck,

OTH

[seeking balance]

which time?

most of us have a series of push/pull - each doing the leaving at one point.

The final time - she left, came back and I said it was time for her to move out and we needed to get a divorce.  It wasn't what I wanted, but it was the only way I could get any control over my own life.

[ellil]

The final break I threw him out of my apartment. He was in a rage, I'd even say a semi-psychotic break was occurring where he was projecting and the things he was saying, the look on his face, the weird body movements, almost a blank look on his face, just made me snap and I kicked him out--told him never, never contact me again, not by mail, email or phone.

He within a few hours sent my brother this email containing some pretty big lies, and around a 20 hours later sent me the most awful email filled with the most vile things, especially considering it came from someone who was so "madly in love" with me.

For two weeks I had a ball. Hardly even thought of him. By the end of two weeks, he had moved on and was already "sharing a life" with someone new, --someone he lined up while he was with me, sensing me growing short on patience with him. I had reached out to him after two weeks, but by then, he was gone.

So, I don't know who left whom. I suppose I did, but then backed down a wee bit, and by then he had moved on.

Our split was as confusing and vague as our entire r/s.

M

[emmjay]

I went NC- hard to do. Got into some T which is helpful and eye-opening to say the least.

[CaptainM]

The final time (in fact every time), she broke it off and I took the leave pass with both hands.

I guess I'd be waiting in the boarding lounge for a few months just waiting for that final boarding call.

So technically she kicked me out (of what was my place... .) but by that stage I didn't take any convincing to pack and leave.

[NewStart]

I think this is the part that drives some of us crazy still.  For me I tried 1/2 dozen times over a year to leave and she kept reeling me back in and then poof she was gone on to another guy... .to this day I hate myself for not being strong enough to be the one that said enough is enough and dumped her... .

[marbleloser]

I guess technically,the first time she left, but it was in the back of a police car.Does that count? .

The second time, I left, after giving her a taste of her own medicine,turning the tables,and a smack to her ego! It was priceless and I DO NOT lose.(Sorry,one of my shortcomings ,but it felt SO good

[johnc]

I did.

Christmas day at her mother's place with her family (a hotbed of dysfunction if ever I saw one).

She was very anxious. "Feening," I think they call it. Walking from room to room.

And checking her cell phone constantly.

She excused herself a number of times to go to the bathroom.

Unbeknownst to her (yeah, I confess ... .I invaded her privacy ... .proud of it, no ... .but war is war ... .anything goes), after her first visit, I'd placed a tiny digital recorder in admidst a stack of towels.

She was calling one of her "friends," telling him "you know I'd much rather be hanging out with you today, but I couldn't get out of this thing with THESE people. But can you help me out? I'm not having a good day."

Crack.

Begging him. Losing her cool a few times and immediately apologizing (I hardly ever saw that particular behavior). Begging him again.

After retrieving the recorder and listening to what it had captured, I told her I wasn't feeling well, apologized to her mother (dinner had yet to be served) and went home. I found out (by calling her sister that evening under the pretense of asking how dinner was) she left immediately after dinner (with the help of a staged rage--she'd use that crazy stuff to her advantage sometimes to make hasty exits). Refused any rides home and instead walked. This was about 6 pm. The walk home should have taken no more than a half-hour to forty-five minutes.

Around ten-thirty that evening she calls. Says she just got home. And I let her have it. Both barrels.

Told her I knew about her phone calls. Told her I knew why she left early. Told her I knew about other things as well (and I did).

Told her it was over.

She called back. I'd turned the phone machine off. I didn't answer.

She's tried calling since then. Yes, I've listened to a few messages. Her words are just that ... .words.

Any time I feel myself weakening, I listen to that recording.

Snaps me out of it pretty damn quick.

I miss what I thought she was. What I wanted her to be.

But I've come to the realization I don't miss her.

Hell, I don't even LIKE her.

[backontop]

The final break I threw him out of my apartment. He was in a rage, I'd even say a semi-psychotic break was occurring where he was projecting and the things he was saying, the look on his face, the weird body movements, almost a blank look on his face, just made me snap and I kicked him out--told him never, never contact me again, not by mail, email or phone.

He within a few hours sent my brother this email containing some pretty big lies, and around a 20 hours later sent me the most awful email filled with the most vile things, especially considering it came from someone who was so "madly in love" with me.

For two weeks I had a ball. Hardly even thought of him. By the end of two weeks, he had moved on and was already "sharing a life" with someone new, --someone he lined up while he was with me, sensing me growing short on patience with him. I had reached out to him after two weeks, but by then, he was gone.

So, I don't know who left whom. I suppose I did, but then backed down a wee bit, and by then he had moved on.

Our split was as confusing and vague as our entire r/s.

M

Mine happened EXACTLY the same way except for the emails.  I felt dumped,  but I think maybe it was me... .

[guiltyandsad]

I left, ended it, used the police to get my remaining items out of her condo.  She was a mess, crying, she called a neighbor/friend out who lived in the same complex who was trying to get me a job.  She called my friends and emailed them as well.  

We were in the "trying to be friends" phase, she wanted to see me once a week and be friends like she is with her ex husband whom she uses.  I couldn't take her accusations of finding someone new etc. and decided NC was the way to go.

And I agree with every recycle the ups and downs get steeper and steeper.  For me it was partly on my end because I had more and more resentment towards her each time I went back because I started really thinking about all the abuse and the friends I lost, all at my own choice for staying of course.

I miss her and care for her a great deal still.  I just know that by being out of her life I am not enabling or being the distraction that will keep her from hopefully getting help someday.