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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Poll
Question: Did you leave your BPD or did BPD leave you?
BPD left me [BPD decision]
BPD left me [I forced it]
Mutual decision [overtly communicated]
Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]
I left BPD, [BPD forced it]
I left BPD [My decision]
**Not Ended [In NC]
**Not Ended [contact]
....None Apply to Me

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Author Topic: SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?  (Read 8569 times)
mermaid8
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« Reply #90 on: January 17, 2012, 09:37:30 PM »

I was the one dumped. Although I felt as though the rug had been completely pulled out from under me, the other side of me thought that his behavior had been so erratic, impulsive, indecisive and inconsistent that nothing would have surprised me. But it's the abrupt manner in which he did it is what left me feeling as though I had been dropped on my head... .devastated that there really was no "discussion". It was just "the end"! Who in their "right mind" just ends things without a discussion or some effort to try to work out any differences that might have been there? That's when I learned about BPD... .It was like one day we were talking about the future and forever and the next day, I wasn't even in his life anymore. It sure does a number on one's heart and soul!
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Gaslit
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« Reply #91 on: January 17, 2012, 10:42:16 PM »

We have both "ended it" several times, only to not end it. This time though, it is me.

And this train wreck is in-process! That is, I'm not even bothering to tell her. I have had too many wasted discussions. Seriously, what's the point? I decided a few days before the New Year. She senses something, and I have started to see some strange behavior from her. Behavior that will likely get stranger. I no longer contact her or ask her out or call her "sweet" names. And now this person, who stopped being proactive, long ago, is trying to be proactive. A last ditch effort to save her "supply." Sorry.

I just can't anymore. Maybe I know too much about BPD now, or maybe I've been so close, so many times, and this is finally it. Or maybe I have finally focused some attention back to me. And what I started to consider, that this wasn't about her, but was maybe about me, is starting to click.

The so-called "Borderline Gift." I see my co-dependent-ness, and I super see her craziness. Not a pretty combo.

My motto: It's 2012: It's time.
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slvr6543
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« Reply #92 on: January 17, 2012, 11:51:34 PM »

Well for me it was slightly different. My ex moved to new Orleans from Ohio 11 years ago. In that time she was married twice. Her second marriage she had a little girl and was unable to move back to Ohio with her family. When we got together she worked for the first year then would make excuses as to why she didn't want to work.

So in 3 years she left 4 times. Each time she left she was crawling back within 3 weeks. (the first 3 times she left) I took her back because I loved her and couldn't just leave her to fend for herself. I was c lose with her dad and couldn't bare to tell him I was putting her out.

The last split she took off with another guy days after the split. That was 4 months ago. she mysteriously shows up at a bar I was at last week and asked me to come outside. She then proceeds to tell me she is pregnant and getting married

Great news to me. She is HIS problem now and I can put my head down at night knowing I didn't abandon her. Thank You so much my sick little pigeon. I am free and healing.
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DazedAgain

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« Reply #93 on: January 18, 2012, 12:06:55 AM »

I ended it by putting him on a bus and sending him to his brother's house about 1700 miles away.  Not exactly what I wanted, but I could no longer handle the accusations and lies.  A week later, he was back in my state, but not with me as I wouldn't let him.  He says that he lived on the street and in wooded areas.  A few times he did have me talked into traveling to where he said he was... .by saying he was sick/hungry/suicidal.  He was no where to be seen and wouldn't answer texts or calls.  Later, he would say that he couldn't face me.  He says that he got help thru a church and some people helped him find work and gave him a place to stay.  Who knows the truth. I have only seen him once for about 15 minutes since April of last year.  You would think I would be over it by now... .I am getting better, but... .

Yes I miss the man I fell in love with... .he is lost in there somewhere... .but the illness has a much stronger hold on him than I ever did.  I actually spoke with his ex wife trying to make sense of things.  She told me he wasn't always like he is now, that it happened after they had been married about ten years and gradually got worse. I guess all that has alot to do with my guilty feelings that I am just another person to let him down... .I can't change him, can't fix him... .I can only change me and work on fixing me... .

And to do that I had to let go... .
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slvr6543
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« Reply #94 on: January 18, 2012, 12:15:21 AM »

The funny thing is my ex was totally different when we first met. I was actually friends with her for about 4 months before we dated. Then I dated her for another 4 months. I blew her off because I didn't want to get tied down. Then about 6 months later we hooked up for 3 years. just the last year she started showing signs that something was wrong and all hell broke loose. She is like a totally different person now. She has no friends anymore and hooked up with a guy she just met and moved in with him.

About 2 months after she hooked up with him they split up for a couple of weeks. Now they been together about 3 months and she told me last week she was getting married and pregnant. Strange behavior

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slvr6543
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« Reply #95 on: January 18, 2012, 12:17:53 AM »

Try getting dumped and them hooking up 4 days later with the new person after 3 years. I feel your pain,
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johnc
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« Reply #96 on: January 18, 2012, 01:02:14 AM »

It's hard to believe that someone who supposedly "loved me" so much would be so absolutely cruel to abandon me and the r/s in the manner in which he did... .I really don't understand how someone does that.

My guess would be by never really being "there" in the first place.
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mermaid8
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« Reply #97 on: January 18, 2012, 05:34:10 PM »

It's hard to believe that someone who supposedly "loved me" so much would be so absolutely cruel to abandon me and the r/s in the manner in which he did... .I really don't understand how someone does that.

My guess would be by never really being "there" in the first place.

Unfortunately you may be right about that... .and that is the hard part to wrap my head around. It is another reason to remember that actions speak louder than words. I clung to the words he said and wrote to me as well as the experience from the honeymoon phase. What allowed me to really "believe" that the r/s was something other than what it was, were his words. But he obviously did not speak his truth.
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slvr6543
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« Reply #98 on: January 18, 2012, 05:44:37 PM »

I to am guilty of the BELIEVING THE WORDS. Everytime I was recycled (3) i believed it hook line and sinker. I missed you. I love you. I don't want to be with anyone else. There were times I looked at the situation and said to myself. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. good point.
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bpdlover
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« Reply #99 on: January 18, 2012, 06:34:08 PM »

I was dumped via legal system, like the guy before me. After the amount of break ups she initiated for insane reasons, I started to detach and live again. I went to a female friends house one night after work and had a few drinks, nothing happened and I would not be with someone while emotionally raw but she had broken up with me the week before and had done all sorts of similar things. When I told her I had a few drinks and stayed until late in the evening, she hung up and told me she had to have a shower. Boy did she come running. She barked instructions for me to come over that evening and seduced me, even kissing like she meant it for a change. I've since learned a lot about BPD which has helped ease the pain of how everything just came to a screeching halt. What is it about these people and competition? They do live on the edge. I've been gone almost two years, she must really be hot for me now. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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dangler321
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« Reply #100 on: January 18, 2012, 07:25:07 PM »

My waif exBPD finance finished with me overnight 2.5months ago, after saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me the day before. Still in fb book contact as 'friends' (i know I should really go NC) still bump into her on nights out in the small town we live in and everytime I see her she looks miserable as sin even though she cant seem to keep her legs closed after too much alcohol & is possibly dating other victims though hasnt admitted it to me yet, may be to keep me hanging on a bit longer, what thinks?. I would rather know.

She always says something that pulls me back in then pushes me away again everytime I say what I think is my final goodbye.

Hardest bit is not once have a heard her say 'I dont want to be with you' for herself and always says someone else in her family says 'its time for us to move on'. Or says 'she doesnt deserve me' makes me feel like if she could just speak for herself she may say otherwise, thats the nature of a BPD waif though I suppose cant possibly decide for themselves what they want. She even said once 'in her heart she wants to be with me but she has to please others!' Sad.  

She always looks so down or has a sob story, made up to reel me back in like she blatantly made up that she had a miscarriage the other day (poss mine) or just wants to drink herself into oblivion she always plays the heartstrings and pulls me back, I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done sometimes, things are slowly getting better for me though, the forum helps a lot. 
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bpdlover
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« Reply #101 on: January 18, 2012, 07:47:06 PM »

I think we'd all rather know. Will we? Not so much. I think she is keeping her options open for that rainy day. Mine has totally forgotten me. For all I put into it, she left and haven't heard of her since. Mine was waif like also. Wants to please her parents despite the love/hate she has for them, and others. Stay strong. I'm finding it hard also. Would have been nice to at least find out the she and the milkman ran off together. At least I know who is mentoring my kid.
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kecostera

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« Reply #102 on: January 18, 2012, 09:06:22 PM »

I was replaced faster than you can blink. As if we never ever had a relationship. Presently in LC with exh because there are things we have to separate. I do not know if the new host has even been replaced by another or if he is still with that one nor do I care to put myself in the position of finding out.  Alot of emotions to deal with and I have to keep reminding myself that this is part of the illness and just accept it for what it is.  
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cc2
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« Reply #103 on: January 19, 2012, 02:38:03 AM »

Hi guys

off topic, we should have xSO sign for next to topics.

On topic:

I left... .After being told over 20 times that I should take my stuff and leave. The final week we spend every day arguing. I came home, not knowing what to expect and on the final evening, I came home, sat down, had dinner and wanted to start some small talk.

My first (and nearly last) regular phrase was "How was work for you today?" The response I got was "Why do you ask, you do not care... .You do not care about me at all... Why are you still here?"... .Ended up into another heated fight... .Again came the "then move out part". I phoned my mom (she knew about the situation, as I felt ashamed to tell my friends*). I was outside. The downstairs toilet was also outside. I stood next to the door as she came bashing out. The had to go to the toilet. As she threw open the door, it hit me. I pushed it back. This happen about 5 times, each time harder... .Until the point I put my foot in it. Next she is walking out the front door, shouting on the street "It is not even safe in my own house, I want you out by the time I am back"... .She started her car.

I found about 20 times with no reponse. My idea was, she is going to her parent/grandparents and she really wanted me to go. So I started packing. Called some friends to help me. By the time she came back (2 hours later), everything was arranged... .Little sidenote: I ask the neighbour if we could park on his spot the next day. He started talking about his own divorce. He asked what happened and I just stated he should as her (I knew I was never going back there, so why paint her black).

The moment she came back, she saw me standing. By no means I could explain her that I did not gossip or paint her black. Next she started taking bags and throws my stuff in. We did not sleep next to eachother that night. I woke up, wanted to talk to her but by no means I could reason with her. So I moved. Tears in my eyes, heartbroken and lost... .

Do not know who left who actually. She claims I left and abandonned her. I told her that me moving out did not mean the end of the r/s. No point in trying to explain. It was all black... .

Sometimes I wish I did not leave. But maybe I would have ended with the cops then... .Guess we will never know.

CC2




*I was living with someone before I met my uBPDexGF and they were all like, is this not too fast and are you sure, so I heavily stressed out on, "No, this is it, I'll marry this one, watch me"
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Confuzzled12
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« Reply #104 on: January 19, 2012, 05:01:31 AM »

I left. I saw my own health deteriorating. I brushed my teeth and my gums would bleed. I wouldn't eat/get hungry. I'd get faint. The stress was just too much. Thankfully, without knowing about BPD (and having been systematically cut off from my friends and family) I still knew that the only time I was getting the truth (or actions matching words) was during the rages.

I wasn't functioning at work in the final week/days. I knew that staying would cost me my job, and I would break down. The exwBPD response: "I'll love you anyway".

So I went to a T. I planned it. I prepared for it properly. I felt awful for doing it like that, but I'd been told that if I didn't, it would carry on like an open wound. And it's the truth. You cannot heal an open wound when the knife is still sticking in it.

Every single avenue of contact was used to get to me. I slipped NC a few times, and I did again just today. I need to condition myself to come here when I feel like breaking it again, or to call a friend. I have some friends who truly do understand now that I've shown them some of the articles here.

On the "How a BPD relationship develops" article, my best friend said "It's like you wrote that yourself, word for word". I suspect she's lost both points of her triangle at the moment. Seeing me on a dating site has probably painted me black.

The next move I think will be hooking one or several new men, men just after sex. And she is incredibly physically attractive. She'll have no problem finding new hosts. Probably that will be thrown in my face (I'm more attractive than you).

We'll see :-) But leaving WAS the right thing to do. Inevitably it would only have ended up with her leaving me. My world had gotten so damn small - whereas before it was huge. I went to work, and came home. I spent every second aside from work with her.

Now, the world is big again. I'm finding my place back in it. In 2.5 short months my world became about one thing - her.
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balagan
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« Reply #105 on: January 19, 2012, 06:51:52 AM »

Well it was kinda funny.

She had crossed a few of my boundaries that evening and so in my head I had got to a point where I wanted it to end. She then flew off into an angry rage about all my supposed faults.

I stopped her and just calmly said "that's it, I'm done. You need to leave"

It was then as if she hadn't heard me and she continued to work herself into a lather, reiterating how angry she was regarding my plethora of faults, and finally ending the diatribe with "I have a fantasy of you, I can't be with the reality"

She wanted a hug and was crying as I kicked her out of my apartment. So I'm pretty sure she thinks she ended it, but tbh I don't really give a crap. Just glad it is over!
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hat123

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« Reply #106 on: January 19, 2012, 07:45:17 AM »

I think its very hard to say exactly which category applies to you since so many factors are involved.

In my case she said hurtful things that made we leave the morning after without saying anything (i was an idiot for triggering her abandonment fear, but did well in trying to maintain a boundary when she said those things).

After that she wanted to break up while i thought that we could just talk about it and reconcile.

So i guess i first left her because she forced it and then she left me because i forced it, but again its very difficult to say.
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Confused69
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« Reply #107 on: January 19, 2012, 09:33:48 AM »

In seven yrs together, I must have left or broken up  around 20 times.  Ive moved out of our apts at least 6 times.  It gets so bad that i just have to leave to save myself.  But we always end up back together.  I didnt realize i was in a dance until a couple years ago.  Its a vicious cycle.  She broke up with me this last time because she thought i was lieing about recieving a check in the mail, which i didnt.  So this time she ended it.  If she really sticks to it is another question.  Im so used to her coming back, its hard for me to feel safe about moving on
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #108 on: January 19, 2012, 08:33:19 PM »

It was pretty weird. It was shortly after my birthday, the weekend after so we decided to go lunch together. Almost immediately she started with the projections and criticisms.

I told myself I'd give her three strikes. I'd accept it from her three times.

After the third strike I said "You know, you don't have to say those things to me."

Her: "Say what things?"

Me: "You don't have to criticize me all the time. You could be nice."

She flew into a tirade about how I'm too sensitive and never listen and only think about myself. The usual. After she finally took a breath I just asked:

"Why are we even together?"

Her: (in a huff) "I don't know!"

Me: "Then let's end it."

Her: "Fine."

We chat a bit after that, leave the restaurant and say bye. Funny thing is, at this point I'm upset, but satisfied. Failed relationship, it happens. Oh well. I go home, start watching a movie and, sure enough, a couple hours later I get an email saying she misses me and asks if I wanna try again. We start talking about it, she starts projecting her worries again, we fight and I break it off again, saying some pretty harsh things. This time I'm angry, but sure I did the right thing by ending it. I send her a long email about things I wanted to talk to her about but never got the chance to. It's most pretty harsh. Not mean, but very frank.

I figure that's it. She'll probably ignore it, maybe lash back out. I didn't care. I felt closure, I was done.

She writes back the next morning, apologizing, telling me she missed me and was sorry, everything was her fault. I'm touched. I thought she turned over a new leaf. We talk again about getting back together. I say I'll think about it. We agree to meet next Sunday to talk.

That very night she changes her mind and wants to be friends. I'm devastated because I was ready to try again. I tell her and she says she'll think about it. Instead, she writes in her diary on mixi (the equivalent of a public note on Facebook) that she wants to break up with me. When I ask her about it, she says she's still thinking.

Sunday comes around, no response. I email her. I ask if she's coming to talk, she says she's with a friend. Is it ok to bring her? I say I wanted to talk in private. She asks how long it will take.

The combination of Wednesday and then this non-chalant attitude shocked me.

I said it depends on whether or not she felt like she wanted to get back together to which she responded: "No. Sorry!"

So who broke up with who? I dunno.
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« Reply #109 on: January 19, 2012, 10:53:06 PM »

I'm finding my place back in it. In 2.5 short months my world became about one thing - her.

it was never about her. It was always about you. She doesn't have the emotional skills to make it about her. You fell in love with what she thought you needed based on your subtle clues. The real her you saw in the end. She is hurt emotionally and is trying to cope. Was it too perfect? I know it was for me. I identify with the bleeding gums... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Why did I want perfect? How important is conflict resolution in relationships? If you can communicate differences with a partner so you both feel comfortable arguing... .How important is that? How can both relationship partners feel good if you can't resolve simple problems. Much to be learned here... .Much indeed.  
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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

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« Reply #110 on: January 19, 2012, 10:54:57 PM »

My answer, "I left BPD (BPD Forced It)."

Without rehashing and writing a novel, I wanted to end things amicably. When I told her I was unhappy and that I didn't want to remain in the relationship, she went into, what I've read is called transitory psychosis.  That unleashed a bunch of chaos, drama, ugliness, lies, theft, suicide attempts, broken furniture, wrist slashing and self injuring behavior for attention.

Her inability to find any happy medium during that time, the lies, the smearing and the fighting the last 2 months I tried to remain on friendly with her into December 2010 forced my permanent No Contact.

It's been a journey to try to find a healthier and happier place, at times I take a step back. However, the  PD traits she left on me are slowly going away.

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lucnatmar
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« Reply #111 on: January 20, 2012, 12:12:01 PM »

Mine had different twists and turns:

When I started to set healthy boundaries with her, she tried to get two orders of protection against me (both filled with complete projections and lies) and both were dismissed because of no evidence.  Then she filed for divorce, because she wasn't getting me to sucumb with the false OP's.  That was it for me, and we started a year long process with a custody evaluator and guardian (with all sorts of abusive behaviors during this time period).  About 6 months ago, she said she no longer wanted to get divorced and wanted to know if I had hope.  I told her as long as she continues to live in denial of her behaviors and doesn't get help, there is no hope and as they usually do, she couldn't even think about acknoweldging or taking responsibility for her actions and how damaging they have been.

The Custody evaluator finished in December and recommended I have sole custody of our kids and since that time, she has been trying to reconcile, but continues to refuse to acknowledge the truth and is in serious denial. 

The defense mechanisms these disordered people possess is world class.  They would rather lose everything, than acknowledge who they really are.
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bpdlover
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« Reply #112 on: January 20, 2012, 10:34:24 PM »

At least your orders were dismissed. The order on me was served and I didn't attend the hearing. She won the first hearing with her ex and he did nothing also. She is one sick puppy. I just ignored her, accepted the order and will ignore her until she leaves this world. Want nothing to do with whatever she is.
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JonnyJon42
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« Reply #113 on: January 21, 2012, 12:43:03 AM »

She left like always

Said she dont love me enough and crap like that code for i got someone else will you please go. like the 3rd or 4th split in like alittle over a year just gets old all lies no truth would love to be civil but for the most part she ignores me so i wont txt her again no point. Sick of being the back up guy so im not going to let her pull me in to help cheat on another guy again

just dumb madness no point to any of it just pain and more bodys in her wake. Just sad casue she has no idea how much of a whore she is making her self out to be. Hard to want to have sex with her cause i really dont know who she has been with.
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« Reply #114 on: January 21, 2012, 01:22:48 AM »

I was the one dumped. Although I felt as though the rug had been completely pulled out from under me, the other side of me thought that his behavior had been so erratic, impulsive, indecisive and inconsistent that nothing would have surprised me. But it's the abrupt manner in which he did it is what left me feeling as though I had been dropped on my head... .devastated that there really was no "discussion". It was just "the end"! Who in their "right mind" just ends things without a discussion or some effort to try to work out any differences that might have been there? That's when I learned about BPD... .It was like one day we were talking about the future and forever and the next day, I wasn't even in his life anymore. It sure does a number on one's heart and soul!

Yeah, mine was like this too!  Except we were going to separate for a year and each get help. He moved out Nov. 1st and two weeks later asked for a divorce... .which he hasn't done anything about. (I told him he would have to pay for it). He is coming tomorrow to get the rest of his items out of the garage. Probably taking it to his "weed" friends house. His only friend.
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johnc
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« Reply #115 on: January 22, 2012, 02:09:37 PM »

it was never about her. It was always about you. She doesn't have the emotional skills to make it about her. You fell in love with what she thought you needed based on your subtle clues.

Understanding this, radically accepting this, is key to us moving on.

The person, their physical presence, is relatively easy to remove from our lives.

Our idea of that person ... .not so much. It tends to persist.

Replace the fantasy with the reality.

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bananabear25

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« Reply #116 on: May 02, 2012, 11:59:55 PM »

My ex BPD and I were on again off again for 5 years. The last off again she got pregnant within 3 months of our breaking up. I loved her so much I decided to remain "best friends"(I am a woman to clarify) as we had always been as much as it tore me up inside. Even though she was having someone else's baby I allowed her to maintain control of me. I had tried to stop communicating with her twice before but I never had the strength to stay away. Her baby daddy and I became friends when she started treating him like she had treating me. In a way we bonded and I thought we were "friends". Well a particular time she was being extremely hateful I went out and got pretty drunk and the baby daddy drove me home and we had sex.(they were broken up at the time) I never intended this to happen as I am not attracted to him.

To summarize he decided 4 days later he "had" to tell her even though I wished to not tell her b/c even though she was a spiteful hurtful person i didn't want to hurt her. But her knowing gave me an out. I felt that it was the most unforgivable "friend" code to break and she could never forgive me. From that day we only contacted to return her things to her that I had. Despite what I had done she went from hurt, to asking for me to be her friend again to hateful. It was very difficult to not contact her but it has been 10 months now and we haven't talked.

As a side note, she was my first love and who I lost my woman "virginity" too. He (the baby daddy) also lost his virginity to her. And in all those years with her off and on again I had never slept anyone else including men though I am bisexual. He was in a sense my second "first." A fact known to him and he was sober at the time of the sex. I was sloshed... .so yea
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« Reply #117 on: May 03, 2012, 12:02:45 AM »

I ended it when I couldn't handle the awful bickering that our relationship had become

I tried to stay friends, but that's when he flipped it and ended the friendship.

Gave me silent treatment and that hasn't stopped. Painted me black and bailed.

BB12
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faithfull

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« Reply #118 on: May 03, 2012, 02:04:24 AM »

She told me that i am significant in her life while she was spending night with her bf. She wanted to move in with me. I ended it the day after having her bf CC'd to closure Email. That was the end of it after 6 unsuccessful past closures.
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« Reply #119 on: May 03, 2012, 02:59:19 AM »

Round One: he ended it out of the blue in the middle of apparent honeymoon bliss.

Round Two: I rejected a low-grade sort of R/S he offered me & we sort of agreed not to see each other ... .while he was working with a therapist on what the hell happens to him in intimate relationships.  I thought.  Instead, he immediate reconnected with & started pursuing his ex-gf.  I ended all contact then.  So for Round Two, I would say it was mutual with a betrayal twist Smiling (click to insert in post).
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