Do you regret the BPD relationship?

[Bob58]

Holy sht, I can't believe this. I know we all have a need to justify, rationalize, whatever, but this just drives me NUTS. Do you REALLY think you HAD to go through hell with SOMEONE - her or someone else? WHY? Do you owe some kinda karmic debt to the universe? It's just silly, and it seems as if one who believes this is resigned to some "fate" in which s/he MUST pay some weird "penance" in life in order to get through to a relationship with a "normal" person.

No, I don't see it as some kind of penance.

I've been married twice.  I married, the first time, very young.  I was extremely selfish and had a very immature idea of love.  I cheated on my first wife, early on.  As the years passed we grew further and further apart.  My first wife was a very kind and normal person.  She loved me but we had nothing in common.  Our life was boring and, often forced.  We stayed together out of sheer inertia and the fact that we had a child together.  While we loved each other, I can't say that we were ever friends or especially liked each other all that much.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm stationed in Korea, alone for a year.  I didn't physically cheat on my 1st wife, but I did get involved in internet flings.  I knew it was wrong but did it anyway because I wanted to.

A friend of mine in my same unit got to Korea a few months after I did.  His life was different.  He had a real and honest relationship with his wife.  They were best friends.  He really wanted to be with his wife more than anything.  At first, to myself, I scoffed at him.  But something changed in me.  I actually, again privately, became very jealous of the type of relationship he had.  I wanted that type of relationship.  I felt I needed that type of relationship.  I'd always been very ashamed of my behavior and had reasons to feel that nobody else would ever really want me.

A few months later, I met my BP online.  Thus started the prototypical internet fairytale/nightmare that Joanna talks about when she says to "avoid long distance relationships like the plague".

When I returned from Korea, I divorced my 1st wife and the rest is history.

Do I see my 2nd marraige as "penance" for my first?  No, not now.  I admit that I did early on in the marriage when things were going very badly.

What I see now is a man that was horribly out of balance and full of shame.  He wanted to change so badly, but he wanted to do it quickly, with a fresh slate.  He wanted it so badly that he blinded himself to reality and dove head first (and initially revelled) in his new role of "good guy".

Do I regret having been like that?  You bet your butt.

Do I regret the hurt I caused my first family and the hurt I had a role in with my second?  Absolutley.

Could I have changed without going through what I did?  I might have been able to but I wanted it too fast and in a very selfish way.  So, I don't believe I would have ever set myself up for growth but would have jumped at anything.

Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not trying to rationalize the behavior of my ubp-2nd-wife.

I'm not trying to rationalize my behavior in that relationship.

I'll be the very first to say "If you're in a relationship with a borderline... .GET OUT!"  But I'll also be the first to add "And then find out why you were ever in it so you don't make the same mistakes again."

I was a man comlpletely out of balance.  I was full of shame.  I had a very twisted view of life and love and, like an alcoholic, I HAD to hit rock bottom to finally get some help for myself and take an honest approach to dealing with my own problems.

Where am I now?  I'm three years out of that relationship.

I'm very happy.  I have a wonderful 13 month old relationship with a great person and friend and I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I managed to come through the mess and am a much better and balanced man for it.

I remember talking with my Dad about six months after I was divorced.  I was starting to come out of the FOG and get a grip on things.  I told him... ."You know, Dad... .In my first marraige, I was a selfish, uncaring and unworthy turd.  In my second I was totally devoted, foolish doormat that gave everything and asked for nothing in return... .But, at heart, I know I'm a pretty decent guy and if I can just find a way to find a balance between those two guys I might just make someone a pretty decent husband."

So, yes, I had to go through this.

I wish to God (for the sake of those I love) that hadn't needed to.

But, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that I did, so I'm not going to regret going through it now.

[turquoise]

Unambiguously, absolutely, YESSSSSS !

Do I regret being a pawn in the sick game of a psycho who did everything she could to destroy me, my spirit, my heart, my soul. Unequivocally yes.

Of course I learned something, of course I have hit bottom and bounce back, of course we will all make the best out of it, but I would not do this to my worst enemy (if I had one). So how can I see this as un-regrettable ?

God, I am worth more than that. We are all worth more than that  !


Turquoise

[brucey]

Regret it?  I often say that if I had a time machine I would go back to the day I met her and she came on to me and I would spit in her face and throw her out of a window.  What she does to men should be illegal and prevented.  Regret it?  I nearly killed myself.  My best friend did kill himself because of a similar relationship.  I suffered horrendously.  Regret it?  Duh.  Of course.  I lost many years of my life that resulted in horrible anguish, and worse, I am now cynical, depressed, and will never trust anyone again.  That's the effect it had on me.  She is a horrible, evil monster.  I regret that she exists.  I regret that I fell for her bullsht.  I regret that I was conned.  I regret that I am sensitive and human and as a result was permanently hurt and changed by that relationship.  Each day I hope that I will read her obituary.  So, yes, I would say that I regret it.

[Leo]

well put Jeff

[LAnn]

Yes I do. 

While I choose to make the best of all things in my life, good experiences and regretful experiences,  it doesn't change the fact that some experiences are regretful and I wish that I had never had them.

I've known two, possibly three BPDs over the course of my life, and those are the three darkest periods of my life.

[Bdawn]

gee brucey why don't you tell us how you really feel? 

Okay the truth is that I do regret it. Initally I was one of those that answered with "oh I learned so many valuable lessons, blah blah... ." and I did but those lessons weren't worth the price and some of those lessons I shouldn't have even had to learn. Why did I have to learn that some people will sht all over you, tear your heart out and stomp on it. Why did I have to learn that you can't go around trusting people, that you have to always be viligant and on gaurd. If I had never met my exbp I would have never had a reason to learn those lesson and I'd still be a happy person. I hope my kids never have a reason to learn these things.

But still I try not to waste my time feeling regret as it's a wasted feeling. I can't travel back and change what took place in the past so why dwell on it?  Regret gets me nowhere.

[Bob58]

I've already gone out on a limb here, so at this point there isn't much sense in playing it safe anymore.

I don't begrudge anyone their feelings on their relationships.  I didn't live them, you did.

I will say this, though.  I have a lot of regrets in my life.  I've done, and lived, things worthy of regretting.  Too many things.

But you know what I'd truly regret?

You know what I'd really deserve to regret?

If after all the mistakes I'd made and all the sht I'd been through (whether I deserved it or not)... .

If I made the conscious choice to, yet again, go the easy way. 

If I'd learned and changed nothing of any real substance.

If I'd chose to hang on to the bitterness, anger and victimhood that was the only thing keeping me warm in those early dark days when my relationship ended.

If I'd refused to accept any real responsiblilty for my 50% of the dysfunctional dance.  It's easy to talk but harder to walk.

If I'd just jumped into the next of a series of dysfunctional relationships, wishing that this time things would be different.

Those would all be things I'd truly deserve to regret.

And who would I have to blame, then?


Everybody has their own row to hoe in this life.  Chances are, if you're reading this, your row is longer and rockier than your average guy's.

Mine was.

In fact, I'm still working on it.  But now, the work is one helluvalot easier than it's ever been before.

Anyone care to guess why?

[rocky77]

For me, the pain associated with a BP seems senseless.  I read the agony and turmoil in so many of these posts that I have been through and am still struggling with.  I would never believe something could hurt this bad w/out having gone through it myself.  Everyday I still question myself and somehow feel I am to blame for things falling part.  She blames me for everything that happened and it's all I can do to not believe her.  What took weeks for her to destroy will take me months and years to rebuild and REINFORCE.  

I would give anything to go back and choose life instead of a relationship with this woman.  I hate the fact that I still love her now.  I hate that I care so much for someone that HATES that I care about them and is not deserving of my heart.  I feel used, I feel cheated and abused and when tears aren't welling up my fists are clenching and I want to rip someones head off.

I x-x-x-xing hate what I let her do to me.  I hate that I gave my heart and soul and power to someone that could care less.  I hate that I let her do this to me several times until she walked away for good.  This relationship is unquestionably the biggest regret in my life.

[isthisreal]

I regret it in many ways, I know it was a wasted 2 years, in many ways.  But, then again, if I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have become aware of my codependency and aware (although I knew about) my family's history of putting up with abusive relationships.  I believe God used this horrible experience to grow something beautiful--a new me!

So, yes and no.

[willowtree007]

Anyone care to guess why?

Bob,

I would love to hear a sequel to this thoughtful post. Instead of me guessing, would you write the answer to "why?"

Wil

[nevergiveup]

Rocky, I feel like you some days. Some days are so hard. I'll tell you what helped me today. Yet again like a fool I was reading her mails, and I read a stack of them. There would be ten absolutely lovely messages and then one that was absolute hate, and seeing them there together, running seamlessly from one to another I could see it for the first time, how serious her illness is and how desperately unhappy she is when it takes hold. Seeing that was painful, but it helped me to see how insane she is, and however bad I feel now, and I feel like someone has cut my heart and soul out with a melon knife, well even feeling so bad there is no way I would want to swap my mind for hers. I wish I could have seen how sick she was way back. If I regret anything it isn't that I met her, but that I didn't recognise her sickness for what it was when it first appeared.

Instead of the relationship, what I regret are the several dozen weak emails/ phone messages I sent her over the final few months, the ones she never replied to. I wish now I had never sent them, because I can see now how weak they made me look. I guess at the time I was just so depressed about everything that I acted on impulse and mailed her saying how much I missed her. I regret those now. Those mails depress me and I wish I could turn back the clock and erase them.

Has anyone else sent the same kind of mails or messages and now feels the same way?

[Bob58]

Anyone care to guess why?

Bob,

I would love to hear a sequel to this thoughtful post. Instead of me guessing, would you write the answer to "why?"

Wil

I meant that to be rhetorical, Wil.

[lennic]

Regret, for me, is like plowing the same field over and over, Sometimes left to right,,sometimes up and down,,but plowing just the same,,turning the same dirt over and over.

Regret is reliving,,rehashing, staying in the muck. There comes a day,,when you either plant the seed or say "f*^K It" and plow again or simply watch the weeds grow.

It was what it was,,there were lessens to be learned,,hopefully I got them down.

Lenny

[bewildered2]

If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, right?

I guess I was messed up before my BPD experience or else I would have been impervious to her charms. Maybe we were all a little weak? So if we are stronger now maybe it was all for the best?

I've gone thru hell because of her, but had a fantastic time with her for a year or so before it all went wrong. So I know the price of happiness with a BPD, for sure.

I had this discussion with a friend last week. I was undecided. He said "you have experienced a high not felt by many people anywhere, how can you be sorry?". It got me thinking. He has a point, but again, the price I paid was very high.        

I wonder, what does a heroin junkee feel after he kicks the habit. It is the same thing.

Right now I still regret the "relationship", if you can call it that. It was one big con, perpetrated by a sick but clever con artist. So I am afraid I still feel conned. Not a particularly nice feeling.

B2

[forgotten]

Yes I do regret and honestly I can say it is truly to only thing in my life that I truly and completely regret.  I have done some stupid things in life and paid the price but I am able to look back at those as learning experiences and do not regret even some of my stupidest actions.

On the other hand this relationship has forever changed me and not for the better.  Nothing positive has come of it.  I mean what can I have learned - that you shouldn't put your heart and soul into caring about someone becuase you never know they may be mentally ill and all the wonderful things they are saying to you and the emotions they claim to feel about you may not be true?   Am I better off because I am emotionally numb now?  That I have gained some new perspective on myself?  

No the pain, the thoughts of suicide, the loss of joy that I have experienced - I could have done without all of that.  If I had the magic time machine and could go back to the day she smiled at me in that certain way that opened the door... .I would slam it in her face.

[lennic]

I wonder, what does a heroin junkee feel after he kicks the habit. It is the same thing.

If he has truely "kicked it" he feels gratitude as he has turned away from the devil himself.

This, I know.

Lenny

[rocky77]

Nevergiveup-

I did the same thing in regards to sending sappy emails and voice mails.  Each time I did I felt worse, she used the opportunity to just reject me all over again or say the most hurtful things she could think of.  I kept trying to break through it seems, kept trying to recapture the love that *seemed* to be there at one time.  Now if I can only let go... .for good.

[LAnn]

I have gone round and round with this very question.  Is regret the same as mourning? There were times I attempted to embrace all that happened, and take personal growth lessons and spiritual lessons from it.  Embracing it and working through it seemed the only healthy choice.  Still, I think that I could have chosen more positive ways to grow.  So, I find integrating this choice "regret or not regret" difficult.  Like a double-bind.  As a commitment to myself  I make sure that I don't regret what I do about it.  But still I feel regrets about the relationship. 

And I regret that I didn't know better, because I should have -- having grown up with borderline behaviors, though I didn't know it then.  Perhaps I regret that I am such a slow learner.  Maybe I just beat myself up emotionally for being ignorant... .and then I regret that I do that! 

I think of the strengths (joy, confidence, energy, optimism)  I had prior, and all the positive things I brought to the relationship and the insights I gained -- and contrast that with the personal "stuff" that I didn't have before but have now.   And I have less energy with which to process it. The wind left my sails.  And sometimes it feels like I've gone backwards in life.  I had healed a lot from my past; then after my exbf left I was set back to square one, and discovered I had more and deeper "stuff" than before.  I regret that.  I would have prefered to continue growing from where I had climbed.

I admire those here that have become stronger and better for it all.  Some are able to exit their mourning and enter gratitude and celebration.  That is a testament to inner strength for certain.   I have a long way to go.

[PDQuick]

If I may say one thing about regret. I think that regret should be reserved for things that we knew better about. When you were a kid and stuck your finger in the socket or touched the hot stove, did you regret it? Probably not. You learned from it. So if you didnt know better about these relationships, how can you truly regret them? We should learn from them, and if we do, save the regret for making a decision that we knew better about. I regretted my relationship at first, but it has opened my eyes to a whole range of issues that I have needed to deal with. Some that I knew about and some that I didnt. The more research and soul searching that I do, I am realizing that life for me, although I didnt know it at the time, was not healthy, happy and nurturing the way I thought it was. Sure, my parents did the best that they could do, but I didnt know my grandparents, and since have found out why. They were truly horrible people. So horrible, in fact that my parents kept me from them. Now, my parents are great people, and I felt that they were good parents, but even they had issues because of the way they were raised and who their parents were. Thus, I was raised dysfunctional, not knowing it because it was what I was used to. No harm done, no abusing or molesting or anything, but I have always felt inferior. I know that my life could be mutitudes better, I just didnt have the tools to understand it. My relationship with my BPD and the pain has lead me to the alter of inward thinking. I now see that if I had the tools to deal with it, I woldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place.

We all made the decision to start and stay with these relationships. All the red flags were there, and either we couldnt recognize them, or we just let them fly by. It is showing the flaws within us. Not that we are bad people, quite the contrary. We are fabulous people with a mountain of love that could feed a village. We just need to take a fraction of that love, and for once in our lives, point it at ourselves. Its not really all that scary to find out that we have issues. Its alot less scary to seek them out, and try to rehabilitate them that try to go on in our lives suppressing them.

Now regret would be defined as me taking all this newly found knowlege and putting it aside. Not expanding on it and seeking it out. Not trying to fix the wrongs inside of me. Not doing anything and then, finding myself right back here in 2 or 3 years, having experienced the same thing again. That would be truly regrettable.

[willowtree007]

If I may say one thing about regret. I think that regret should be reserved for things that we knew better about. When you were a kid and stuck your finger in the socket or touched the hot stove, did you regret it? Probably not. You learned from it. So if you didnt know better about these relationships, how can you truly regret them? We should learn from them, and if we do, save the regret for making a decision that we knew better about. I regretted my relationship at first, but it has opened my eyes to a whole range of issues that I have needed to deal with. Some that I knew about and some that I didnt. The more research and soul searching that I do, I am realizing that life for me, although I didnt know it at the time, was not healthy, happy and nurturing the way I thought it was. Sure, my parents did the best that they could do, but I didnt know my grandparents, and since have found out why. They were truly horrible people. So horrible, in fact that my parents kept me from them. Now, my parents are great people, and I felt that they were good parents, but even they had issues because of the way they were raised and who their parents were. Thus, I was raised dysfunctional, not knowing it because it was what I was used to. No harm done, no abusing or molesting or anything, but I have always felt inferior. I know that my life could be mutitudes better, I just didnt have the tools to understand it. My relationship with my BPD and the pain has lead me to the alter of inward thinking. I now see that if I had the tools to deal with it, I woldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place.

We all made the decision to start and stay with these relationships. All the red flags were there, and either we couldnt recognize them, or we just let them fly by. It is showing the flaws within us. Not that we are bad people, quite the contrary. We are fabulous people with a mountain of love that could feed a village. We just need to take a fraction of that love, and for once in our lives, point it at ourselves. Its not really all that scary to find out that we have issues. Its alot less scary to seek them out, and try to rehabilitate them that try to go on in our lives suppressing them.

Now regret would be defined as me taking all this newly found knowlege and putting it aside. Not expanding on it and seeking it out. Not trying to fix the wrongs inside of me. Not doing anything and then, finding myself right back here in 2 or 3 years, having experienced the same thing again. That would be truly regrettable.

Huge Ditto! Wisely said.

Wil

[nevergiveup]

Hi Rocky. I think you and I are in the same boat emotionally at the moment. The mails I sent, well I hadn't heard from her for weeks and I had no idea what was going on. She'd told me the sick relative story and just gone off, not got in touch. I tried to be supportive sent the messages trying to be supportive about the relative, even though I pretty much knew the whole story was a lie, but she didn't answer. So my messages got more and more emotional. Could be I wanted her to finally get in touch and tell me to push off so that at least I knew where I stood.

I do feel good about not trying to get in touch with her since we broke up, though. I know even though she told me not to get in touch she really wanted and was expecting something emotional in reply but I managed a calm answer saying that  agreed a split was for the best (though it broke my heart to say it). After she got that message she sent me a short sharp message, again I sent back an even shorter one that was very calm, saying goodbye. The third message was even angrier but still I stayed calm and sent a final goodbye message wising her well. Since then she hasn't got in touch and I haven't tried to get in touch either. It's very hard but I feel better about it. I am so pleased I haven't gone back to sending her pleading emails like I did all the times before. I think it must have shocked her to get this new response from me. I have a little of my self respect back from doing this.

So now it's just a matter of waiting it out. Be strong Rocky. Don't get in touch with her. Don't give her chance to hurt you again.

[turtle]

There are so many people on this sight filled with anger and regret toward their bp --- And that is completely appropriate.  The damage from these relationships is overwhelming.  I have my own regrets about my own relationship. At this point, I'm still regretting how much $$ it cost me and how long it's taking me to recover from that.

However... .IMHO, the thing to examine here is WHY you got involved with that person.  Chances are that when you got involved with your bp, you weren't mentally healthy yourself.  I know we all feel we were duped by our bp, but if you TRULY examine the relationship, the signals were there.  The fact that we ignored the flags and signals says a lot about US.

I can't recall anyone on this sight saying, "well there I was minding my own business, being mentally healthy myself, when this bp came along a blew up my world."  It may feel that way, but it simply isn't true.

For me, it took this relationship for me to get it. I was making bad choices in partners, I was being drawn to people that weren't a good fit for me.  Most of us, if we are honest, would say that we have been with other people that were not right for us -- maybe they weren't mentally ill, but we were still drawn to some kind of dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship.  Unfortunately for me -- it took being involved with the cadillac of mental dysfunction to get my attention.  I needed to change ME.

For that knowledge, I feel no regret because as I continue to heal, I KNOW this is a lesson that will not need to be repeated.

For all the stupidity and drama that happened with my bp, of course I regret all of that, but if I hadn't endured all of that bs, I would probably STILL be picking people that are wrong for me because of my OWN issues.

When we stop blaming THEM (even though they may deserve blame) and look in the mirror is when we start to recover!

Turtle

[sillyputte]

None from me.  Like many others here I was naive and codependent.  If I had not met my ex it would have been someone else who took me to the place where I felt I needed to get help to work on myself.

It could have been far worse for me for sure.  In the end, as painful a journey as it was, it was a life lesson that will never be forgotten.

No regrets at all, but then I was only on again off again for about two years all told.  Had it been longer I think I would have had a few regrets about the time I had wasted.  As it stands two years of the relationship and one year of healing is a small price to pay for the lessons I learned in the end.

That said I wouldn't want to do it again !

[Cyndi]

Yes!  Even though I try very hard to find some reason for this and what has happened, and look for any sliver of hope that I learned from all this pain and suffering, I really can't justify it in any way.  It just feels like a complete waste of time, and I learned nothing from it except maybe not to repeat it in the future.  But since these people are so good as fooling you in the beginning and getting you hooked till it's too late, even that's not a guarentee.

Dunno, maybe I'm just having a bad day!

[tracer]

I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY REGRET IT!

I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY B4 THE REALTIONSHIP AND THIS PAST YEAR OF GETTING OVER HER HAS BEEN THE HARDEST TIME OF MY LIFE.

;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;==

[gertrude]

No - I don't regret it, even though it was so painful and I'm still in recovery now.  I had had a very long, bad marriage.  He opened my heart to love again.  That was good.  He taught me some wonderful things.  Most of all, when it became apparent that he was too emotionally unbalanced (before I had a diagnosis from my therapist) for me to handle and ever be happy with him, I was able to let him go.  Over the weekend, after 8 weeks of no contact, I had this incredible surge of strength and empowerment that I never in my life had felt before.  I stayed strong, I rebuffed his attempt to come back, and that is so incredibly gratifying.  So no - No regrets - what's the point.  Take the good stuff from it - especially what you can learn about yourself, and then move on to a happier place. I am still sad, yes, and prone to crying every once in a while, but each day that passes it becomes easier to pull out the good things.  (BUT! as has been posted in several places - I have a detailed journal which I still refer to - but thankfully much less frequently, that helps remind me of how much better off I am.)  But, all of our experiences are different. 

[bpdex100]

No, I don't regret it as it has made me stronger, a better person and more understanding of the opposite sex. However, even though I have been out of Oz for 3 years now I am (as my partner frequently tells me) quite sensitive to any situation in my present relationship that causes friction. In other words during any 'normal' cause of a disagreement in a relationship like money, kids, etc, I am sometimes quite difficult and refuse to back down, probably as a result of the past and my determination not to allow myself to be downtrodden again.

Anyone else out of Oz but now in new relationship like this?

[turquoise]

BPDex100,

You raise a very interesting point. My situation is not similar to yours as I have been out of OZ for one year. However, when meeting new people, regardless of the intentions, as it could be for friendship or for a more intimate relationship, I believe that I tend to see red flags that might not really be there.

Having miss those with my exBP, I guess one could say that I have now repetitive hallucinatory visions of red flags everywhere !

Turquoise !

[StressedinCleveland]

I do regret it deeply. I regret it even though we were happy for the first 5 years, until out son was born and postpartum depression started her spiral into mental illness.

I do have my son. I don't regret him. But I have discussed the issue frankly with him. From my son's perspective as an Unchosen, he feels that he would have been the same person if he had had a different mother "only less neurotic". He does, fortunately, take much more strongly after me than after his mother. Even as an infant, he was closer to me than to his mother. So the bottom line is that even my son regrets my marriage to The Sickly Puppetmaster.

[willowtree007]

I do regret it deeply. I regret it even though we were happy for the first 5 years, until out son was born and postpartum depression started her spiral into mental illness.

I do have my son. I don't regret him. But I have discussed the issue frankly with him. From my son's perspective as an Unchosen, he feels that he would have been the same person if he had had a different mother "only less neurotic". He does, fortunately, take much more strongly after me than after his mother. Even as an infant, he was closer to me than to his mother. So the bottom line is that even my son regrets my marriage to The Sickly Puppetmaster.

Hi Stressed,

Postpartum depression after my brother was born kicked off my Mom's first episode of Schizophrenia.

I have wanted to ask you this for such a long time - You have such disdain for your wife and from your writing, it appears that your son does, too. May I ask, why do you stay with her?

My Dad was extremely critical and in a way, I've thought that God gave him what he craved for by giving him a mentally ill wife. He had someone that he could berate and belittle. My Mother and her mental illness fulfilled his needs.

Why do you stay?

Wil