Do you regret the BPD relationship?

[willowtree007]

I was hoping that someone else would have posed this question, but since they haven't, I'll finally ask it. Do you wish you had never met or been involved with your BPD SO?

Some posters claim that they wish their ex had never graced their doorstep, particularly the male NONs, if I'm not mistaken.

I'll jump in with my own answer if this thread goes anywhere.

Wil

[rocky77]

YES

I know there has been *blessings* experiencing more pain than I have ever had in my life but surely to God I could have learned the same lessons without going through this.  My ex is always right in front my eyes, in my thoughts, in my dreams etc... .  I just want to be free from any memory of her.  I can't take the pain and the rejection, and especially the being painted black.  So yes, I regret ever meeting her.  I know one day the pain will be gone but I am convinced I will never be the same.  This has changed me like nothing else ever has.  I have been heartbroken before, but not like this.  This crushed my heart, my spirit and my hope.  And she is still raging mad at me... .:'(

[anniemouse]

No.

Even if we can't get this to work, I learned a lot, I have good memories, I had fun, and it took me to where I am now in my life and aside from current problems, it is a good place to be.

Annie

[PDQuick]

This is a double edged sword willow. I am glad for so many things that I have experienced in my past 13 years. I got to raise two wonderful kids. I had some truly great experiences with the family. I shared such great times and emotion with my ex. I learned alot, saw alot, did alot and felt alot. These things I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I mourn the passing of the relationship. I have lost my self esteem, my inner star, my dreams to a certain extent, and my naitevety for love. I have gone through some horrific experiences that I know would have not happened with a normal SO. I feel betrayed, disallusioned, dysfunctioned and crushed at times. I have an uncertianty as to what my life will bring. I have a concern about my finances recovering after this relationship. I dont know that I will ever be the same person that I was before. But then again, its a good thing.

It really is impossible to answer this question now, at this stage of my life, as I do not know how the lessons I have learned, and will continue to learn, will affect my journey down the road. I hope it will be as such: I know everything happens for a reason, and I cant wait to see the reasoning that exists for me to have endured so much. I hope it will be the ability to actually see a truly great woman when I meet her, rather than not appreciating her. I hope I was put through these past 13 years as a trial to prepare me for the happiness that is in store for me.

[Magnacarta]

No, I dont regret it.

Even though my relationship with my BPDew was extremely abusive and caused me, my family and friends untold pain and harm, from that relationship I have two wonderful, intelligent children.

Heres hoping I can keep them on the straight path through the mindfield that is before them.

Mags.

[JoannaK]

No, I don't regret it... .I just wish I could have left sooner when things really started to go downhill... .instead of waiting for the crash.  And, of course, I have my son.

[PDQuick]

I truly hope that we all learn something from these tragic relationships. If not, all of the pain would be in vain. Look inward, as pain is the forward emotion of change. Look inside yourself, the change is inevitable. Learn something from it, take something away from it. That way, in the future, we all can recognize our forthcomings, and will be better apt to deal with them.

[liberateddad]

This is a double edged sword willow. I

I agree.   All the horror and heartache but some wonderful times of love, compassion and friendship.   She was the one who said before we got serious that she did not want to lose her best friend.    She did though.  Lost her best friend.  A premonition? 

Anyway,  I learned lots.  I am a better person now for it.  I went through hell but am emerging from OZ a stronger person.   I wish this for all.    LD

[NHBeachBum]

UNEQUIVICALLY, ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, TOTALLY - YES!

Someone in my Tae Kwon Do school asking me that same question about a month ago. Here was my response to her.

I've done a lot of stuff in my life, made some no-so-smart decisions. I once partied for 2 days straight, didn't sleep for 2 nights, then ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. File that one in the idiotic file! As far as regrets, I have very, very few. But allowing my exBPDgf in my life is probably one of the worst, most impulsive, stupid mistake that I have EVER done in my entire life! Sounds harsh, sounds like sour grapes, but I'm not angry at her. It was my fault, my decision & my responsibility & I'm now paying the price. If I could ever go back in time and make ONLY one change in my life, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Not a flinch of hesitation. I would go back and hot have her in my life back then if I could. Anyone on bpdfamily working on building a time machine?  

I have literally spent the past few months trying to erase any memory of her in my mind. I don't remember any of the good times. All I see is the reality of who she is. Unfortunately, all of the good memories are long gone. I'm focused on the future, not the past.

I am very impressed (even a twinge of jealousy) that many on bpdfamily can have a favorable view of their exBPD's.

-NHBB

[PDQuick]

I think that our outlook is essential to us not going completely nuts NHBB!

[oneday]

There are times I wish I never met my bpSO but if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to understand why I was attracted to someone like that... I don't think it's about her anymore and I've been focusing on why I stayed in such an abusive relationship...

The beginning of the relationship was like a dream... Couldn't have asked for more... but as time progressed... things changed... but that's like any relationship... the difference was the emotional blackmail and the rollercoaster of a ride that I went through... it came to the point where I would get ecstatic over simple things like cooking dinner, saying i miss you, etc...

If I had to do it again with the knowledge I have now... I'd probably not go through it... but if going through that hell again was the only way to bring me to the point that I am at now... I would go through it... no questions asked... it was rough but I survived... and became stronger for it...

[Bdawn]

Hmm... .this is a tough one to answer. On the one hand I don't regret it because in dealing with the aftermath I did gain. I became stronger, wiser, deeper, more independant, more in touch with myself, closer to my family, and best of all I found my self worth. Thats pretty hard to top.

On the other hand If I could do it all over again I'd say NO F**KING WAY!

[tomyoung]

run like hell the first time she bragged about her previous relationships.

regret all this ?

absolutely.

i know i missed the opportunity to meet other good people during the time i truly wasted on that relationship.

learn and move on.  bunches of better things lie ahead.  get with it... .

[Leo]

Nope,got 24 pretty good years ,graet at times and the kids wouldnt exist.

[Jeffree]

Yes.

There was nothing wrong with our marriage or my role in it, and she just left it all as though it didn't matter. She never once complained about me, my role in our relationship, or her feelings about our marriage until the day she left. She did not give me a fair opportunity to work with her on whatever it is that made her leave. I had no way to see her cruelty coming, and she just left me in the meanest way possible.

I regret giving so much of myself to someone who in the end could care less and to someone to whom it didn't matter. I regret ever encountering her. I regret having to experience this ridiculous unjustified disgrace of a divorce. I regret having to spend 10's of thousands of dollars to defend my good name over NOTHING. I regret having to sell the house we had worked so hard to buy.

You know, anyone can just sht all over another person. I could have easily said to her, "You know what? You really are fat, ugly, and stupid like you say. Yeah, you really don't have any reason to live other than me. I, too, wish you would die in your sleep." But I didn't. You know why? BECAUSE I TAKE F'N RESPONSIBILITY FOR MYSELF, AS WELL AS HOW MY WORDS, MY ACTIONS, AND GESTURES AFFECT THOSE AROUND ME. I have more class, dignity, and empathy than she ever will.

And I regret it all, despite these asinine lessons I am going to learn as a result of this. Whooptie-do. MAYBE, I won't marry a psychopath the next time around. But what if I do? How will I really know what I've gotten myself into until it blows up or doesn't? There are no guarantees.

I could have just as easily married a good, caring woman. But, noo! I had to hook up with the Tiger Woods of lunacy. Thank you very much!

So, yeah. I regret this whole disgusting mess.

Sorry to sound so angry, but sometimes it's just impossible to polish all of life's turds.

--J

[Sybgow]

This one has come up before. It's absolutely clear to me that this was the WORST experience of my entire life. I could rationalize and go on and on about how I've "grown" because of it, how I now have my daughter (whom I love so much, as all parents out there can appreciate), how now I'm not as naive, how I know more about myself, etc.

BUT SO WHAT.

It still SUCKS, and my "last" shot at having a nice little "normal" family was SQUANDERED because some chick is seriously mentally ill (or, at least, a lying, cheating, manipulative SLUT.) If I'd happened to meet and marry a "normal" woman, then I might still have a family. With a different kid/kids, to be sure, but I'd never have had Ava, so I'd never know the difference.

I want my time back, I wish I had another shot. SURE, maybe it would have turned out badly with another woman. OK. And it possibly could have been even worse with the right (wrong) wife. But this situation is BAD. It's not what I wanted. I was just going along, doing the usual Ward Cleaver stuff, hurting no one (although I'll admit, I wasn't a perfect husband), when everything hit the fan, and now it all sucks.



I wish I'd never met the woman.


To not wish that would be like some guy injured in a major car crash (in which he almost died, lost an extremity or two, etc.) not wishing the darn wreck never happened --- because it made him "stronger," or made him "appreciate life" more. Screw all that. I want a good family for my kid. It ain't gonna be. I'm pissed off about it, and I'll NEVER see any of this ___ as a "good" thing.


Sorry, this turned into a rant, but I'm really adamant that this SUCKS, and I hate the whole "things happen for a reason" attitude, and the idea that we're "improved" in some way by all this. Well, REGULAR life has enough adversity, challenge, and opportunity for "personal growth." I didn't need industrial strength personal conflict and florid craziness injected into my life in order to "mature."

I cannot understand how anyone wouldn't want to turn the clock back on crap like this.

[Sybgow]

Well, Jeff, I was typing mine when you posted yours. I feel like an echo. Seems we feel kinda the same 'bout it all.

Lets see what some more folks think.

[turtle]

Yes and no --

I've learned a lot about who I am though this experience. Even though I am not completely healed, I am still a lot stronger and more self confident that when I entered the relationship. My self-esteem was in the toilet when I got involved in my mess. While getting myself out of the logistics of my mess I've had to fight for every ounce of my own mental health, physical health and my own personal power. I will never give any of that up again - and there's no relationship that I need to have that would require that of me. That was a painful, but powerful lesson.

However, I specifically regret every stupid decision I made in an effort to win the xbf's approval. It took me way too long to realize that no matter what I did, he would NEVER approve, because he just couldn't - he just didn't have the capacity to approve of anyone.

I would've saved myself a lot of heartache (and money) if I had realized that much earlier.

Turtle

[NHBeachBum]

I feel like I've never tried so hard & tried to help some one so much and then in return never got treated as harshly, abrasively and painfully.

Sure I learned a lot & I am a much better person but I think the real key question is "was the lesson we learned REALLY worth the price we paid"? In my situation I paid so much that it really was not worth it. It simply should not have been this costly but it was what it was. I guess in the future if others warn me that there's a dangerous cliff, maybe I'll actually listen to their warnings and not jump off in order to find out that it really is painful!   

-NHBB

[Bob58]

There was a time when I would have said, unequivocably, yes.

But now, I have to say no.  I don't regret the relationship.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, but I, obviously, needed to go through it.

The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.

I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here.

[turtle]

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, but I, obviously, needed to go through it.

The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here.

Well said!

Turtle

[wojah]

I don't regret the BPD relationship, but the only regret that I have is not choosing to end the relationship SOONER.  I am going on 13 years being married to my BPD husband and it has not been a picnic.  There were more bad times than good times.  I've learned a lot through this experience and the only regret I have is not ending the marriage sooner.  But better late than never.  I don't expect my marriage to last too much longer.  Most likely I will be out of this marriage by next year.

[eastmeetswest]

I think for the most part, I made a choice with the best information that I had at the time.  Life is all about choices, and I know that mine have brought me to this point in my life.  If not this, then what?  I certainly can't blame free will on my x.  This much I know, I have learned from it. 

Regret it? No.  Do it again?  Hell, no.

[eggshell]

No, I wouldn't say that I regret it, although it's caused me insane amounts of emotional pain. But in the same way, it has shown me that I can love another with a neverending fervor and love, and taught me so many lessons, and also, if it weren't for my X, I really never would have found ME. Long story on that, but I was seriously lost until I found my X. I am here now, thanks to him... .weird how things turn out that way... .

[nevergiveup]

I think its pointless to regret it. There are things I would do totally differently if I had my time again, but I think it's like any other bad experienece you have in your life, most of the time you don't see it coming until it is already too late. I have other mentally ill people in my life and I dont even think about regretting meeting them because somehow it just doesn't seem appropriate, its just like one of those things that happens that no one can control and I hope one day to be able to look at my experience with my ex like that and not feel bad about it anymore. It's just that the experience with her went so much deeper, that's what makes it so hard.

[Sybgow]

So, here's what some of us wrote:

"The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.   I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here."

"it has shown me that I can love another with a neverending fervor and love, and taught me so many lessons, and also, if it weren't for my X, I really never would have found ME."

"I, obviously, needed to go through it."




Holy sht, I can't believe this. I know we all have a need to justify, rationalize, whatever, but this just drives me NUTS. Do you REALLY think you HAD to go through hell with SOMEONE - her or someone else? WHY? Do you owe some kinda karmic debt to the universe? It's just silly, and it seems as if one who believes this is resigned to some "fate" in which s/he MUST pay some weird "penance" in life in order to get through to a relationship with a "normal" person.

It's like the flip side of what I've heard from MANY women over the years : "I deserve to be HAPPY." It sounds like nons feel they must DESERVE to be ___ on, for some reason, and we just have to "go through it" in order to get on with our lives. This is crazy, and I'm not buying it.

"I, obviously, needed to go through it."    Good grief.    WHO "NEEDS" ABUSE?  Who needs to hit "rock bottom'? (unless we are substance abusers.)

Yes, we as nons may indeed have problems, hangups, issues, whatever. TRUE. But, this incessant self-flagellation is INSANE. I can't understand why so many of us feel the need to be so self-deprecating, so meek, so ... .I dunno.    NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE. And no one should be HAPPY that they got it.


This attitude, which SO many of us have (and, maybe, I've got it, too, and I'm just covering up) is a symptom, TOO. And it makes me sad for all of us.

We're all a bunch of p*ssies. We oughta stand up and just get on with it. It WASN'T "good," what happened to us.

And to pretend that it was is WRONG.


I'm now bracing for the hand-holding, PC onslaught. Bring it on.

[Starry]

Yes, I regret it. I regret the things that happened in my youth, that have gotten me used to emotional unavailable behaviour. I regret staying so long with him. If things worked out differently I would have had a normal life, but that's not how it works. Life is what happens, while you making plans... .

But, I've accepted it. I woke up, got a chance to grow up. It's part of life, my life. Everyone has their issues. I have mine. I have a chance to find out who I am and get healthy. Make choices and accept the consequences.

No, I don't regret it because of my beatiful kids. The good things we had (we had them). The "inside information" on relationships, the "life wisdom".

If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would have gotten in therapy when I was 18, trying to undo the damage of my childhood and being more conscious and careful when choosing a partner. Although I have no clue if it had helped. The issues with parents are not easy to solve and maybe I would have been to young to handle it. So I believe in faith as well, for every thing is a place and time.

Star

[willowtree007]

Sybgow, I belong to the "bunch of pussies" group.

I regret the things that happened in my youth, that have gotten me used to emotional unavailable behaviour.

This last relationship with a BPD, combined with the knowledge and wisdom of SWOE and this board, is helping me understand many personal problems that have dogged me my entire life. They were present in all relations, not just SOs, but with many friends, some family and particularly with myself. I am quite sure that if this board had not existed, the BPD experience would have been nothing more than another notch in my own personal version of OZ.

Thank you God, that we didn't get married and especially that I didn't sell my home. Otherwise my response to this question would be quite bitter.

If I could write a text-book version of my perfect partner, my exBPD was just that... .in his wonderful persona. And he will be the perfect partner for his next amour, for I now know that it is an eager, cultivated deception. Nonetheless, it was amazing to experience. He is unusually generous. I did things with him that I have never done before and only dreamed of... .and I loved it!

The other gift was two years of the best sex in my life, at a time that I was mourning that sex was relegated to the past.

My previous relationship to BPD was a 15 yr common-law marriage to a mean, raging, self-aggrandizing, selfish man who now appears to me to be NPD. I regret everything with him except the existance of our daughters. I think BPD bf learned to be everything that my exh wasn't from what my daughters and I said. There were troubling similarities between these two men and the greatest insult to BPD was to liken a behaviour to exh.

No, I don't regret this relationship. I still have too many thoughts of it and him ruminating around in my head which I hope will disappear someday, but I am positive that I will come out of it a better person, a wiser woman who truly loves herself.

Wil

[Jeffree]

sybgow,

While I also await the onslaught from others you're more than likely to get here, since I was one of the regretters I will reiterate MY point.

The way I look at it is this: There's a two-lane road with traffic going both ways. This means there's one lane of traffic going one way and another lane going the other way. Now, 99.999% of the drivers stay in their lanes going about their daily business BECAUSE THEY ARE NORMAL, CIVIL, LAW ABIDING citizens. They all might not be sane, but they know how to live in the cultural norms in this driving scenario.

But then you get the occasional rare occurance where a complete f'n a-hole decides he/she doesn't want to live and takes someone with him/her in the process of ruining his/her life. He/she drives right into the opposite lane, thereby killing him/herself and those in the other car(s).

My marriage ended. I was the innocent, unsuspecting victim in the other lane going about his business who got blindsided by the irresponsible actions of a complete maniac. Here I was looking forward to getting to wherever it was I was going, blasting Radiohead or Pink Floyd or Alice in Chains (Jar of Flies) in the car stereo, singing along, loving life, then BAM! out of nowhere this lunatic veers into my lane, and I am basically left for dead.

Could I have done something to prevent my own agony? Sure, I could have not taken that road to where I was going because it was potentially unsafe; I could have bought a Hummer, I could forsake driving and taken a bus. I could have done a lot of things in retrospect to safekeep my life. However, that wouldn't be a rational way to go about living given societal norms. That'd be a little obsessive compulsive, or even insanely paranoid.

Am I going to beat myself up because I didn't listen to the tiny, tiny voice in my head that squeaked a couple of times, "You know, this road could be dangerous if someone lost control of their car." Or using a real life example from my marriage... .left the minute she seriously said, "Kids are evil."

If I were somehow to survive the crash am I going to realize that I should listen to my little tiny voice more often and be thankful for the lesson learned? No. Because if I did listen to that voice, I wouldn't be able to function. It pipes up a lot about a lot of weird things: ":)on't eat so much. Red meat is bad for you. Don't breathe in the bad air from a smoker or you'll get cancer. Subscribe to Nat'l Geographic and expand your horizons. Treat others as you would want them to treat you."

So, my point is this... .I ABSOLUTELY REGRET everything about my relationship with my STBxW. She veered her emotional car right into my soul and devastated me. I tried to check myself into a loony bin I was in so much agony the day after. I couldn't eat, sleep, smile, love, laugh etc. for months. I was turned into a complete wreck because the person I chose to share my heart with, the person who as far as I knew loved me, the person who never expressed one concern about our relationship in the 10 years we were together decided out of the f'n blue SHE was done. And I had no way of knowing this was coming.

Yesterday I went and introduced myself to the people our house was sold to--youngish, hopeful people like my STBxW and myself were when we had bought it. They showed me what they had done to it in the short time they had been there. And all I could feel was this crushing regretful pain about it all.   While I was happy for them, I just couldn't get over what my wife has done and how she's treated me since.

However, I can certainly appreciate the perspectives of those here who are grateful about the beautiful children that were bestowed upon them in their difficult marriages/relationships and the lessons learned thereafter. Maybe I'll get there one day, but TODAY just ain't one of those days.

--J

[Peace4us]

It is the exepriences of my past that has broght me to where I am today.  I can not regret that it happened. I have two beautiful children from it and they are nothing to regret, but rather cherish.

I regret not knowing more.  I regret some choices I made.

I do not regret marrying him.  I learned enough for two lifetimes.

I agree I may have married someone else like him, because I obvioulsy needed the lesson in the evolution of me.

Peace4us