Attitude Check

[PDQuick]

This morning I woke up bummed out of my head. I know I am depressed, and I know I will have bad days, after all, life hasnt been a box of chocolates so far. But, it isnt anything that I havent been able to handle. Nothing has happened so far in my life that it has eaten me, or stolen my birthday. These things I realize.

So to this morning, feeling lower than I have in a long time, I started thinking of guess who! Guess who I called? Guess who I had some very displeasing conversations with. Ah, youre probably right. HER. She, of course, was spewing out all kinds of BS to include the little snippet that what happened last week, never happened. It is all my warped mind. I am a sick little man, and I need to get help. Imagine that.

So, I fell deep down the proverbial hole again. And then I caught myself. This is me, comiserating with myself. I am the problem here. I felt down, and who did I turn to in my desperation thinking that maybe, just maybe, she would help? I told her that I was down and what did she do? Well, she kicked me in my teeth, stomped on my soul, and left me bleeding on the side of the shore. Wow, now did I really expect any different? Did her little escapade work? Your darn right it did. I felt lower than hell. When will I ever learn?

What in the hell is going on in my brain to think to call her in my hour of need? Is it that I like being hurt over and over again? Did I expect a different outcome this time around? Or am I just doing this out of habit? This battle in my brain has to stop. I am downright ashamed of what happened last week, and ashamed of even wanting to call her, much less actually doing it. I dont want her back, I dont want to be with her, but still, in my darkest hour, I reach out to her. I have really good friends here, and in my life, and you guys understand the dynamics of all of this. Why not turn to you guys instead?

It has got to be the whole woa is me thing. I guess I want her to feel my pain. I want her to feel sorry for her actions. I want to get her to see herself in the true light. I guess Im still hooked a little. I havent given up on her totally yet. I still care somewhat, and I dont need to. I need to see that she is poison. My heart needs to realize that she is toxic, and self serving, and that there isnt any room in her heart, or mind, for anyone but herself. I am crazy talking myself right into her little game. I am leading myself astray with these little episodes. I need to own that I dont want her, or have anything to do with her, even when Im down. Especially when Im down. I wont get any satisfaction from her, I wont get any closure from her, hell, I wont even get an honest feeling, or recollection from her. The only thing I will ever get out of any conversation, or meeting is hurt, hell, fire and confusion. This I know to be true. Anything else I get from her that seems to be good will only lead to more of the same hell.

You wanted me to be honest, so there.

[elphaba]

DAMN you PD...what were you thinking?

DAMN!

Ok, I'm done...mostly because I do understand where you are coming from...I've been really down for a few days and finding it very difficult to get myself out of this stupid funk I am in.  The lonliness and temptation to reach out to someone that I once considered my best friend has been hard to resist, especially when he is in re-engagement (wants to be my friend) mode...it is so hard, the lonliness is really hard to take some days.

You (WE) do have really good friends here, friends who will be there for you, who will understand and who will kick your a$$ if it needs kicking!

[Felicity]

(((PDQ)))

I do a similar thing when I'm down.  I turn to my past journals or read up on BPD etc.  It's like I have to find a reason to feel depressed.  

My thought process seems to be this:

-I feel depressed, yet I don't have a tangible reason to feel this way

-I go back to the most depressing, stressful moment in my life (life with King Chaos)

-I dwell on him in order to have an explanation for my feelings.

That's my theory anyway.

Hang in there.  I know days like these are hard.  

[PDQuick]

It is noones fault but my own. I did this to me. I picked up the phone countless times today and dialed her number. And the stupid thing about it is, I know better. I know what happens. It is almost like I want to feel horrible. I dont. But like you said Felicity, If I feel horrible, I call her, almost like giving me a reason to feel the way I feel. But it is unacceptable behavior. Hell, I cant even listen to myself. WTH?

[garyw]

Have you ever played the board game Parcheesi ?

Your post reminded me of that game. It's one where you can get almost home and get bumbed right back to the beggining. Many a time that game and it's contents went flying across the room. You get so close just to get bumbed back to sqaure one again.

Left untreated she is a Parcheesi board set to bump you back home each and every time you play. There will be no winning for any of the players who decide to play.

[Felicity]

Don't beat yourself up over calling.  That's just adding fuel to the flames and you don't deserve it. 

When you think about it, it's human nature not to listen to yourself.  That's why we overeat, drive too fast, drink too much, watch too much tv, surf the net too long and call our BPD ex's.  We know it's bad for us, but we do it anyway.  The best thing to do is recognize when you feel this way and take steps to avoid the behavior...next time.  This time, forgive yourself. 

[PDQuick]

Gary, the most ridiculous thing about it is, I want out, I want to be rid of her. I have all the power to do that, and I undermine myself. I am giving this crap to her to hit me in the head with. I am my own worst enemy here. I am doing this, not her. I know how she acts, and I am going back in it to let her jab at me again. Its like I dont want to be hit, but Im standing in front of a boxer calling him an ∂ƒ∫∆˚, then sticking out my chin. Im so darn stupid. Duh, my name is PDQ, I want out, but uh, duh, not really, I like uh, duh er-um uh, being beat down.

Its not like this is my first rodeo here. Ive been around the block. I know these hallways. I know the outcome before it comes out. Who am I to think that Im so special as to find the words to get it right the next time? Who am I to think that I am so special, that maybe my story will be different? Im noone special in these circumstances. Im not a god in the NPD/BPD world. I dont have any special power to transform the twisted mind. All I am is a guy who knows better, and has a big open wound on his head from bashing into the wall yet once again. One would think I would learn by now, but oh no, my head seems to be harder than that.

[PDQuick]

Felicity, I am mad, so please dont take this personally. I do appreciete your words, but I have forgiven myself one time too many. I need to get mad at myself. I need this, I owe it to myself. I cant seem to learn amicably, I have to get just pissed I guess. Im there now.

[GawgaGirl]

PDQ ~

Yep.  Did the SAME thing myself yesterday.  Only in text though because she will NOT answer my calls.

Yet, she WILL text back and forth ALL day/night long. 

I know the outcome too.  I know the 'drill'.  Yet, I did it anyway. 

It's ALMOST like I can't stop myself.  I can't figure THAT part out yet.  Working on WHY when I KNOW ...do I continue to want the 'contact'.   ?

[garyw]

I think many times here it's thought that if we say even, ":)amn...just darn..I guess I do still care here a little bit!"  that it will be looked on as a sign of weakness or no progress.

If I'm wrong about that in your case then ok but if I'm right  then just forget all that crap because there isn't a darn thing wrong about the time that we still care reguardless of how silliy it may seem to care.

I can only look at myself and Cathy and knowing I just don't care anymore...she would never pop into my mind as someone to call for any kind of answeres about anything.

Maybe just examine the possibility that ya just still care. there is nothing wrong with that if you do. If so there are tools to use to still care while creating the distance needed to get well.

if I'm way off base then we will just punt and see where that lands

[Jewls]

Damn, Mr. Quick!  (didn't elph say that, too?)

Get your head out of your ass and move forward.  Go on vacation.  Do something different to get your mind off the old life.

You're addicted to this woman.  You know how toxic she is, but you can't help it.  I know there are some people here that consider the AA 12-step program helpful for any addiction.  Think about looking into that or something close.

STOP IT!

I mean this with all the love I have for you, PDQ.

Jewls

[spamlady]

I guess I want her to feel my pain.

I want her to feel sorry for her actions.

I want to get her to see herself in the true light.

PD, you still want her to get it. You want her to understand what she's done...to you, to your relationship. You want her to acknowledge her part.

Why? Because it would make you feel better--maybe give you "closure." But PD, it ain't gonna happen. All this stuff is just more of you trying to "fix" her. Because, as you say, you're still "hooked" to some degree.

If she could see and understand and acknowledge all this stuff, she would be able to stop her BPD behaviors. But she won't, so she can't. Or she can't, so she won't. It doesn't matter. It just ain't gonna happen.

So go ahead and be pissed if it helps. You still have expectations of her that she is unable/unwilling to meet. You've let go of her, but you still need to let go of the expectations.

spam

[Jewls]

GREAT input, spammy.

It won't happen, PDQ.  I tried for 22 years.  It just doesn't happen.

It's about you now.

Jewls

[Felicity]

Felicity, I am mad, so please dont take this personally. I do appreciete your words, but I have forgiven myself one time too many. I need to get mad at myself. I need this, I owe it to myself. I cant seem to learn amicably, I have to get just pissed I guess. Im there now.

Maybe you should get pissed at her instead of yourself.  She abused you, so why are you adding to it by abusing yourself?  If you feel anger at yourself is the answer, then so be it.  But now there are 2 people raging at PDQ instead of 1.

This isn't what you want to hear, so I won't post after this, but keep in mind that once your depression and rage are spent, then what?  What are you going to do if you feel depressed again?  How are you going to keep yourself from calling her?  One suggestion is post here BEFORE you call and we'll talk you off the ledge.

[crystal]

PD

Ex was your life for 13 years.  All her drama and fire and chaos--maybe it was painful but it there was energy there.  Now she is gone.  And you feel down. You feel empty.  You ARE depressed but there are also holes in your life.  Her drama is a quick fix to those holes...Problem is, her drama just makes those holes bigger when she leaves. 

PD-- you are addicted and she is destroying you. You need a plan to deal with the next craving. The AA analogy is good.  Faith in something beyond yourself, reliance on people who can support you and working on the underlying stuff that is keeping you from being who we know you are.

I hope you can start filling those holes with something more durable. 

PD-- we care about you. You need to start caring about yourself. And if you cant really care about yourself right now, have a little faith in all of us. We have no agenda. And all our support and advice is for only one reason-- you. 

Crystal

[johnfl]

Did I expect a different outcome this time around?

There's a dynamic she represents to you.  (emotionally unavailable) and you're still just hoping for a different outcome.  Your adult (better thinking self) has to talk to your weak self when you get there. 

am I just doing this out of habit?

I don't know?  I have been doing it my whole life.   The truth is your door to freedom; but the illusion that she might change "this time" is comfortable for still. 

This battle in my brain has to stop.

It will only stop when you are truly ready to face whatever it is you are afraid to face.  We all paddle our own canoe. 

Here's a suggestion...and its just a suggestion...stop wanting

Quick, stop "WANTING" some magical answer, for her to understand you, for her to make you feel better, for her pain to cause you relief,for the magical pill to just show up, for some day that it will all be over...When we WANT so bad, we stay in a place of need.  This wanting is what is kicking your ass, IMO. 

You have all the answers.   You know what you need to know.  There is no force or person out there that says you deserve to suffer more, Quick.  You  know I'm always here for you Quick.

[Silas Pseudonym]

HHHHHMMMMMMMM

Tempting to shout at you, but that would be acting like THEM!

I wish I could give you what ever it is I have.  Here take some "I don't ever want to see you.  I don't ever want to hear your voice.  I don't want to smell you...I even bought a new bed & bedding to make sure I don't!"

Does that help?

NO!

Did you take your pill?  Oh Sh*T I forgot mine...hold on.

Just because you ate a bag of chips does not mean you have to start from the beginning...however good Gary's analogies sound!  You have learned.  You just reinforced all that.

So what are you planning for the weekend to stay out of trouble?  Move your little brain to the next problem...Fix my fences before I shoot this F*ck*n' horse!  Full tilt sprint around the wheel line & cuttin' across the runway just behind the plane...could've killed two birds with one stone...

Help someone else & get outside of your head.

Smile baby boy.

Silas

[crazyhorse]

PDQ,

Yes, this was a self-destructive act. But you will learn from it. I have been able to not contact my ex because I have learned from past end-of-relationship experiences that it will only lead to more and more pain and then I end up behaving in ways that I feel bad about. What I never have had to deal with is being re-engagemented and I am struggling to learn my lesson with respect to that.

We can all tell you to just stop but the addiction is too strong for that. You have to stop the thought as soon as the thought to contact her enters your mind. Once you start obsessing about it is usually too late. Try to learn from this and move on my good man. I know you will.

CH

[eastmeetswest]

Well, it sounds like an addiction but you know there is some substance to what Gary says.  You don't want her to give you closure, I think Mr. Q you still want her.  It is ok.  It is ok to still care when you know it will never really work and can't happen.   She is your drug.  How often are you calling and not telling us?

Please consider an AA type buddy to call instead of her.  Please - follow the advice you gave me once - get away, don't give her the opportunity to hurt you.

BTW, how are you eating?  Get a good meal in you, please.

[johnfl]

On the topic of eating Quick...I know it sounds cliche but eating well and working out, will produce chemicals (naturally) that will help you feel better.  Use everything in the arsenal and take it one day at a time.

[LAPDR]

PD;

Very dissapointed in you. That hampster in your head must be ready to have a heart attack or maybe you forgot to grease his cage. Maybe we can get Harrah's to get you an entry on the Sports Line, PD's NC longevity! Come on guy, do what John says, start running or jogging, cut the beer in half and get a great book to read. Get your mind on something else, go to Nags Head and run on the beach, watch the 20 year old chicks in the skimpy suits and meet one or two. Most people compartmentilized their feelings to exclude something you have built your to only include somebody you don't want, need or desire to have in your life anymore! Get that piece of cake that says 'EAT ME' for nothing will happen.

Hang in there guy.

LA

[turtle]

PDDQuick --

Thank you for coming here and telling us what's going on with you.  I appreciate that you kept your promise 

I can't even remember how many times I've been where you are.  I would love to give you the magic formula for how I got beyond it, but there isn't a formula.  It's a decision. Jackass had to stomp my heart into the ground way too many times before I got it.  And...when I finally did get it, it wasn't even that difficult or notable.  I just remember hearing his bs and saying to myself -- Turtle I love you enough to make sure you NEVER have to listen to this sht again.

When you're done being sht on, you'll stop letting it happen.  Only you know when you're done.

Turtle

[MGMom]

Why are you thinking about this loon when someone is out there waiting for you?  The longer you agonize over this woman who does not deserve you, the longer you postpone happiness. 

Get out of that house.  Go for a run or to Starbucks or anywhere when she comes into your mind.  Look at the real life around you.  Quit thinking about this fantasy life you are going to have with her.  It's not real.  Someone wonderful is out there waiting for you.  How long are you going to make her wait while you agonize over this person who is married and obviously a user? 

[Cyndi]

I find this so sad.

PD, you have so much to offer, you have a kind sensitive soul,,,

yet you are literally wasting it on someone who doesn't get it, doesn't care.

So instead of her destroying you, you are now doing it to yourself.

What in the world would it take for you to forget this women?  How many times are you going to get stomped on and left bleeding on the sidewalk?  How many times is it going to take?

I don't know you personally PD, but I know you well enough to say that you deserve more than she will ever be able to give you.  There are millions of women out there!  Why are you so focused on the one who causes you so much pain?

[PDQuick]

Well, yesterday was just a crappy day overall. I couldnt wait to get it over with. I went to bed before 9. It wasnt my best day by any means.

Still in my first cup of coffee, so I dont really know how Im feeling today, but it already is better than yesterday at this point.

Thank all of you guys for being there, and supporting me. And the only thing I have to say was way off base is Lapdr- I havent had a beer in months, or anything alcoholic. Well, not true, about a month ago, I had a couple malibu and OJ's.

There is a problem here, but I havent figured it out. I dont know whether I still want her, or if its a habit to call her when I dont feel good. I think I still want closure. I still want her to take responsibility for her part. I have to realize that she wont, and let it go.

I deserve much better, and I know there is no future in her. Not even for herself. She will destroy me, and Im not interested in that. I have enough to deal with without her. Add her and Im in overload. Sometimes I wish I could defrag my brain and run scandisk to get rid of all the problems. A good cerebral antivirus would be great right now. Sometimes I think my desire to get past this overrides my capability, and that is when the problem comes out. I need to be more patient with myself. Thanks Felicity, for bringing that to my attention. Getting mad at myself only adds to the confusion, and gives me one more thing to work through on an already overloaded brain.

The little mouse has stopped running in his little wheel, thanks to the Lexapro. I have to give it that. My thoughts have calmed down a lot in the last few weeks. Maybe that was a part of it yesterday, I didnt think before I called her. Note to self...think next time.

[elphaba]

Glad to hear you are feeling better today PD

Defrag our brains and run scandisk...now there would be a great way to clear the crap out of our heads...

We all make mistakes PD, we all make decisions we know are not the best for us, and hell ... life with a BPDso has been hard enough on our minds/ego/heart/soul...we hardly need to do it to ourselves. 

You are a wonderful guy, you deserve a wonderful woman who is your equal in regards to your ability to love/feel/enjoy life...

Note to PD - call one of us next time...

[Jewls]

PD, we love you!  Take the advice of everyone here - call someone, anyone but her, post here, the response will be much more positive than what you would receive from that venomous snake-woman. 

DON'T BE ASHAMED!  We have all been there!  My dumb ass did it for 22 years!

Jewls

[TonyC]

hi pd,

well you keep needing to have your heart ripped and and handed to you...its time pd...

i wont even get into whats goin on with me and jack your thread...

i will say i was presented with choices...

1..it would be good for tonight

2. it would be bad for tommarrow

there were no other choices to make...

sometimes we need to think in black and white...

we as nons see all the shades of grey... the shades of grey are what gets us destroyed...quick...this could go on for ever...

if you didnt love her still , sure be the guy on the side...

take care of buisiness and send her home...

but if you love her

you see, something else...youll wake up in the morning the sun will shine thru the blinds the birds are chirping and she walks around smelling flowers in one of your dress shirts..looking like she was sent from heaven...

then she changes runs out the door cause shes got to get home to husband...and your vision is gone...and you are left alone wondering is she coming back ? its all better now! what was that , ...the wondering hurts...and you stand on the porch and watch her drive away till the next time...

quick this will happen next week , and the week after...

good for today...bad for tommarrow

i will post ...what went on this week with me later...

right now its about you

tony

[Jewls]

This is your ex.  Print it and put it up EVERYWHERE!

[Leagaleagle]

Nice picture Jewls.

So, I am not the only one feeling this way for the last little while. Must be something in the air. I am better today, reading this thread helped me smile again.

I did not act on my feelings as I have been there too many times and got the same result. I will admit that I thought about it a few times, but I no longer am even thinking about it.

PDQ, I understand. I feel for you, and I know given time, you will get through this as well.

Stay strong, stay here with your real friends..

Thanks for helping me today.