Were you vulnerable when you met your BP?

[Bish]

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Mine was a beautiful ray of sunshine in a dark sky... .

         ... .well actually it was lightening.

When I think back, its really all about me.  I was wanting the sunshine so badly, I failed to see it was a storm.

oh my God this is such a perfect description of myself a year and a half ago!

I was a sad little misunderstood recovering alcoholic and feeling lonely and sorry for myself and then we met. I actually remember describing her as "my beacon of light to guide me out of the dark" 

But I am discovering a lot about myself in therapy, yes I may be a rescuer, and I may always have a quiet case of the poor me's. At least I know now, and I can move forward armed with that knowledge in this relationship with my BP with the tools I need to protect myself in future... .hopefully  :

Bish x

_________________________hit_________

What we do now will echo for eternity!

[scooter964]

Vulnerable?  No.  Stupid?  Incredibly.  When BPD came along, I thought I finally found somebody who was exciting, who wanted to go places and do things, somebody who wanted to have sex with me - none of which my husband wanted to do.  I'd give anything to have my husband back.  Too bad for me he's remarried.

[sandy]

My hand is way up in the air too. Like Turtle I was in a dull but okay marriage. Along came BPD guy who swept me off my feet. I didn't even know what happened. Smothered me with attention, called, emailed, paged me, had a passion for life, a bigger than life personality, drop dead sense of humour and soft touch and voice. Yes, then the hook came slowly. I was beyond vulernable. He knew it. He used and abused it. The nightmare of the last 8 years has had a profound affect on me. I do believe BDP's have radar and can find us in a moment. Some kind of sick game almost. I'm tired of playing.

[free2br]

To hear "radar" makes me think I was less vulnerable in myself, but I was vulnerable to the radar.  Naive I think.  My NBPXh seemed to have this radar searched for me and wouldn't let up until it/he locked on to me.  I didn't see it coming.  I had some red flags when he wanted to have enmeshment so fast, but not enough to say, "Run away, run away!"  I hope I'm less naive now.  I still feel somewhat vulnerable as far as relationships go.  I'm not sure how you can manage "love" without some vulnerabliity.  I definitely want to keep my eyes wide open--and not ignore red flags.  They're yelling and screaming out at us for a reason... .and not ignore any stomach pains, headaches, any body signals.

[Bailey]

Bish,

You've got an awesome video clip there -- can I find it anywhere else on line?

marymac

[EJC]

Yes I was. I was less "vulnerable" than lonely.

But I realize too NOW that I have a lot of issues I need to deal with, like why do I attract these types to me in the first place (or why am I attracted to them.)

When I met my exBPDSO, I was also in the beginning stages of dating someone who was VERY together. Grounded, PhD, sharp, and had a strong sense of self. But she didn't have that exciting spark and I didn't like the SLOW (read HEALTHY) pace she was going.

With my exBODSO, she went a thousand miles a minute and I liked how that made me feel SO special and like I was THE ONE.

ANd by the end of it, she had ME convinced I was the screwed up one.

EJC

[newbeginnings]

ditto EJC.

I started working on myself and doing alot of research to the point I think I've become the healthy one.  It took alot of work to work through myself.  My exBPD has gotten worse if anything during the same time period.

[numenal]

Yes I was too. I had come through a really back breakup with a "normal" but abandoning type, and had ptsd from previous, various types of trauma. I was just back from living overseas and didn't know anyone in the city I moved to. The thing was, I knew this guy was very strange, and had gotten to where I would weed out anyone with red flags... .but I still started dating him.

Definitely I had unfinished issues to resolve regarding parents (rageful alcoholic dad and a mom with NPD traits). Luckily I got out of the situation in less than two years, but it impacted my life permanently. I have been away from that relationship for five years now, have a great T, and have been in a really good relationship with a sane and loving man for two-and-a-half years.

[lessonslearned]

yes - vulnerable... .had felt rejected by several women I was interested in (now I see them as bad choices anyway), and was experiencing severe loss of interest in my career and sense of purpose in life (which I'm now addressing), and approaching my fiftieth birthday (which I can't do anything about, ). When a young and pretty BPD swept in and seduced me with her charm and intense idealization, I took the bait. I ignored the red flags and jammed the needle into my vein. We lasted nine months before I was discarded.

[C12P21]

At the time I was vulnerable and realized I was so I proceeded with caution. I recognized some of the 's but you know, he was fun and charming and made me laugh. He also had answers to the 's and I remember thinking, "nobody's perfect." I should have listened to my gut instead of my heart. I now listen to both and weigh in my decisions with dates.

When I met him I was four years out of an abusive marriage that had lasted two decades, I had gone through therapy and was attending a local university. He was someone I knew from the past and he pursued me like no other. I had waited a long time to become romantically involved because I knew I had issues to work out, primarily the reasons I had remained in an abusive marriage.

I was vulnerable because I saw myself as damaged goods and thought it was my good fortune to have this charming, successful, intelligent and handsome man with integrity and values come into my life.

Today I realize my self worth and am cautious but optimistic that somewhere out there is a solid, balanced, healthy man that will compliment me. And you know what, if I don't meet one,  I will remain happy because freedom is great.

C

C

[pilgrim]

I was at my most vulnerable because I had been diagnosed with OCD/OCPD, left the practice of law and existing on disability.  I was ashamed of who I had become and I lacked direction.  She came along and made me "ok" in my own eyes.  None of it was real, but it's uncanny how it happens at a time of great vulnerability.

[Beach_Babe]

PwBPD  recycled  at  a  time  I  was  recovering  from  both  cancer  and  a  heart  attack... .im  ashamed  to  admit  it,  but  helping  her  took  the  focus  off  me,  and  made  me  feel  useful  at  a  time  I  felt  like  a  burden  on  others... .

[goinbonkers]

for me, vulnerable would be an understatement.

[suz124w]

I didn't FEEL vulnerable but by golly I WAS!

2 years out of a long term abusive marriage, I decided I was ready to get out there and meet someone new.  I didn't want anything serious but I wanted it to be someone I really fancied because I thought I deserved a treat (!).  So, I go on a dating site.  First date is with a guy who is clearly alcoholic (very attractive and funny but clearly a non starter).  I move on from that to my ex who is younger than me (9 years), very attractive to me, sensitive and emotional (everything my husband wasn't), he is in a lowly paid,dead end career (no problem exh was a very successful workaholic so I want a change), he lives in a small rented flat which looks like a squat in a bad part of town (great, I'm no snob, he's not materialistic and I can help him get his flat/life in order), doesn't have much money and hardly ever contributes (that's ok, I'm a strong, independent woman and don't need a man to keep me), he gets depressed a lot, rages, cries, is always ill with something or other (fine, I will pull him through it with my dynamism and sheer goodwill and help him see the light).

OMG.  Talk about a lamb to the slaughter.  A very narcissistic one too.  I almost feel ashamed of myself.  Who could blame him for taking me up on my offer?

[sirhero]

Yup I had just gotten laid off my job and was looking for a new one. Was also very low on cash at the time as unemployment withheld my payments. She was there for me when I was pretty much at my lowest and snatched me up.

[livednlearned]

I didn't think I was vulnerable, but looking back now -- whoa. Was I ever.

I was almost 30, had just lost my job, broke up with a boyfriend who moved away. Had no money, was starting to go in debt. No really close friends living in a new town, and had a car payment and no real direction. Then I got a job, N/BPDx showed up and was funny, charming, accomplished, had been terribly victimized by his X wife, was a wonderful father to his S16, wanted me to move with him to new town for a great job, put me through graduate school, give me health insurance, have a baby with me. I married him within 3 months of meeting, pregnant 2 months after that. Realized he was an alcoholic pretty quickly and looked the other way. Things were ok as long as I kept looking the other way. I think I remained vulnerable right up until the end.

I am not emotionally vulnerable in the same way anymore, but I do feel fragile, if that makes sense. I'm going through custody grief with N/BPDx so it's harder to get distance and move on, so that's why things still feel fragile. Raising a child with someone who is BPD is no picnic. My hope is that I can pass along what I've learned about emotions to S11 and help him understand what N/BPDx taught me about relationships.

I did finish a graduate degree. I love my S11. I've accomplished a lot in the last 5 years. My career is skyrocketing. I have wonderful friends. I'm struggling to finish a phd and don't know if I can as a single mother, but I have persevered this far and will keep chipping away at it. And I'm okay being on my own with no r/s, actually preferring it that way for now, even though my T said to try dating. I tried once or twice and realized pretty quickly I wasn't ready. Everyone says that's when you meet someone, but I think I'm too overwhelmed right now (different than vulnerable). If someone was trying to meet me, I don't think I'd even notice

[Finished]

No I wasn't. It wasn't until about a year into the relationship (while we were till in the Honeymoon Phase) that I became very ill and THEN became vulnerable ... .

I thought I was so lucky back then. Now, GEEEZZZZ, he should have left me my illness LOL ... .

[Weird Fishes]

The man I dated who was bipolar with BPD tendencies... .I would say I was more just very very naive and trusting than vulnerable.  Perhaps they have some overlap... .I guess I was vulnerable because of those things.  I had no proper experience to realize how messed up things were.  I thought messed up was par for the course.

The dude I dated right after him, DEFINITELY.  I was so gobsmacked by that relationship I just dated a completely obvious megaloser.  Like not even manipulative mental illness, just a loser!     And oh did I have a time trying to make him have a functional life! 

My current bf had just been in a failed long term relationship and was very depressed when his vulture of an ex, who had been circling for some time, swooped in and enmeshed him.  I still look at that and go ":)UDE, HOW ON EARTH DID THAT HAPPEN?"... .but I did similar things, because my head wasn't right!  I learned a lot because of all of it, I think he did too.

[patientandclear]

[copied from my post on a similar thread on L3]In my case, I'd been alone for 5 years after the end of an emotionally & physically abusive r/s.  I was happy by myself (told my BPDexbf that I was "the happiest person I know" -- just happy not being undermined and sabotaged all the time, happy to be able to work and be fully myself in the world.  But there was certainly a submerged longing to be cherished, valued & cared for.  I had consciously dispensed with that hope, but I was incredibly responsive to the prospect of it once offered.  He must have sensed that.

Early on, I told him I was scared.  Scared to move from my situation of being happy just with myself, to a place where I needed someone else to be happy.  He said that made him hold his breath with worry that I might go away & not proceed with a r/s with him.  Of course, I immediately reassured him that I trusted him so much that I would take the leap.  After all, it was the most amazing love ever ... .

The collapse and heartbreak just a couple months later are told elsewhere.

[lessonslearned]

[copied from my post on a similar thread on L3]Early on, I told him I was scared.  Scared to move from my situation of being happy just with myself, to a place where I needed someone else to be happy.  He said that made him hold his breath with worry that I might go away & not proceed with a r/s with him.  Of course, I immediately reassured him that I trusted him so much that I would take the leap.  After all, it was the most amazing love ever ... .

Hi P&C - just noticing how he made this about him, instantly. You wanted reassurance and instead HE got it. Him holding his breath with worry must have worried you that HE would leave. i remember that feeling; if I make her feel like I'd never leave, she won't leave. It becomes a little bit of a contest: "who needs who more?"

[suz124w]

lessonslearned,

What a great point!  I noticed that about my ex.  It didn't matter what it was, the focus would somehow move to him, whether it was about the relationship, health matters, work, family, interests... .hmmm, why didn't I really notice that till the end?

[Sluggo]

I had been living overseas in a language I did not know how to speak yet and with not any family or friends that went with me.  After about 25 years since I was there, I went back and read through my journal.  The theme in my journal was extreme loneliness.  My soon to be wife, was native to this country who I met my 3rd week living in the country, she was patient with me, talked to me, and made me feel very good and took away the lonliness.  The relationship progressed much faster than anything before which I attribute partly to the lonliness I felt and the need to connect to someone as I wasn't really able to from a verbal level- just a physical level.     

[Michelle27]

Most definitely vulnerable.  I was only 6 months out of a physically abusive and controlling marriage.  I hadn't done anything as far as work on myself to figure out why I had stayed in that marriage as long as I had, just felt relief at being out.  I met him online and within a week of emailing every day, during which I had been clear with him about my history (I'm sure he started crafting his own "story" around mine), we agreed to meet, he sent roses to my work on the day we met, we talked like no one I had been able to talk to with before, and the next day he took me out for a proper date, being so very charming and attentive that the waitress at dinner commented how "in love" we must be.  Within a week, we were professing our love to each other and the rest is history. 

Ending my marriage with him was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.  I didn't want to "fail" yet another marriage and I am a generally very hopeful and positive thinking person so I kept hoping for things to get better.  Within months of being separated (and obviously vulnerable again, but in a different way because I was digging deep doing the work I needed to), I met someone who turned out to be a high functioning alcoholic.  I'm grateful that I didn't let that relationship continue longer than it did, and that it was a healthy way to end it with communication, mutual sadness yet agreement that it wouldn't work, and hope to be able to be friends once we're both past the hurt of ending the relationship.  I am proud of myself for seeing the red flags, responding to them in a healthy way and not allowing years to pass while I'm in denial.