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Question: Do you think you fear or dislike being alone?
Very significant factor - 10 (20.4%)
Significant factor - 15 (30.6%)
Somewhat significant factor - 10 (20.4%)
Not a significant factor - 13 (26.5%)
I don't know - 1 (2%)
Total Voters: 48

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Do you think you fear being alone?  (Read 3600 times)
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« on: October 29, 2008, 12:49:05 PM »

An uncomfortable question, I know... .

Being alone and lonely, and even just the fear of being alone, make many people insecure, anxious, even depressed.  If you fear being alone you may become over needy of other people - over demanding on relationships. A fear of being alone can be directly related to lack of self-confidence and to the belief that activities cannot be enjoyed or even attempted if you are alone.  While we all, to varying degrees, need people in our life, if you feel you must have people around to truly enjoy life and be part of society then this need may be controlling you.  

Clinical evidence supports the fact that all too often one of the main reasons that both men and women get into a relationship, and then often stay in a relationship, is related to a fear of being alone.

A relationship that is based on this fear is destined to be a very unhappy and unfulfilling.   All too often, people who are not comfortable with themselves unknowingly enable it and make it more difficult to experience deep levels of intimacy with others as well.

Could this have been part of your relationship issues?
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2008, 02:02:49 PM »

 Ill jump, too... .

When H and I met, I was alone and I loved it. I was likely too independant and didnt want or need anyone, ever again... I was all good with my dogs, cats and acreage and a job I loved.

Well... .we hit it off and the rest is history. He said he liked that I was so independant.

Now, I found once he and I were together, I didnt want to be alone, until things were a nightmare. Then, when we split up, it was all good again!

  Now, we are back together, but not because I was afraid to be alone, but because I was choosing him. It was tough giving up the independance.

I think I was opposite...

Steph
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2008, 02:06:51 PM »

I'll jump in, too.  I like being in crowds, up in front of them, too.  I also find my favorite times are when I am alone, working in my studio or taking a walk in the woods, kayaking, whatever.  My BPD cannot stand to be alone and will do anything to avoid it.  There is a part of me that was terrified she would leave - that part of me that fears to be alone/unloved.  It wasn't until I went through a ton of therapy, groups, etc. that I figured out I would be OK if we split up.  Right now the goods outweigh the bad so I am staying, but it is my choice, not hers.
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2008, 02:08:07 PM »

On a personal level, being alone isn't too tough for me. On a sexual level, I have serious problems. After PM, I was sexually alone until BF. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't become involved with someone sexually again unless there was a real relationship involved. It was extremely tough for me to get through those months without a sex partner. But being without a relationship was easier to handle. I love spending time by myself or with my kids.
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 02:43:04 PM »

I am just now starting to be a tiny bit concerned about the possibility of dying alone with no special someone to wish me good-night forever.

However, seeing how much turmoil your average relationship has does not make me miss my freedom to come and go as I please and the choice to let who I see fit into my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty of having it so good and carefree. Nobody is relying on me to earn a living; I am not putting any child(ren) through school; don't have to write notes to teachers; or clean poopie diapers; I have no kiddie exchanges.

But right now in the right here and now, I am not afraid of being alone.

--J
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2008, 07:57:37 PM »

No, I don't think I fear being alone but there is so little time that I'm actually alone that I don't know for sure how I would react.

I know I am fiercely independent and have no problems doing things by myself but I don't know if I would like to stay that way forever.

I definately value my alone time and look forward to it every chance I get.
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2008, 08:13:54 PM »

 I'll repy to this one   i love being alone, i loved it when i was single and just had my kids and then every other weekend when they went to granparents and i was alone i loved it!  when my BPDh and i split for a year but still remained on contact and dated and tried to work on our marriage i loved it now with my kids grown, and me alone alot during the day time i just love it so being alone i dont' think would effect me, maybe when older and scared of dieing and noone to help me, but otherwise i like being alone, so peaceful...  
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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2008, 09:43:12 AM »

This was one of my greater lessons in my mess, aquiring the ability to truly commune by myself.  I use to love having a sidekick with me.  I thought it made the experience better.  Life sort of tells you that "your nobody til' somebody loves you".

My ex dumping me left me no choice but to forge at everything alone.  Raising a child alone.  Managing and acquiring finances alone. Going to church alone/praying alone.  Eating alone.  Sleeping alone.  Being alone (well not really I had a child pulling on my pant leg).  But all those things--totally alone.

I went from my parents nest to our married nest and then BOOM, I was all alone for the first time ever. I am independent minded of course and always have been, but I always had somebody hanging around at some point.

It was so cold and brutal at first.  I felt like when I went out into the world I was marked with the "L" for Loner.  But after awhile I embraced it as the "Lone Soldier" just doing what I need to do to survive and get by.  And then more time passed and I became the "Lucky One".  I was happy and could see my blessings before me.  I found contentment and true bliss.  I worked on my faults and capitalized on my strengths.  Shaked me down and put myself back together in a new improved version.  I started really enjoying all those alone moments and would look around and say to myself, "I am choosing my course, my destiny, my lot.  I am inviting whom I want in and whom I want out.  I am implementing the laws of attraction here."

At that point, I never felt alone nor lonely.  That is now a state of mind for me and I know that I, and only I, have the ability to surround myself with things that fill me up and make me feel loved and content and whole.  And that does not require a romantic partner.  That is a compliment in life, not a necessity.

OFO   
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2008, 10:09:31 AM »

Well put OFO. Complementing each other in a partnership, not being the reason for being.

I have always valued my alone time. My creative & studio time has always been important. This is one of the things that got away from me and when I regained it, it created problems with x. With a busy single Dad schedule now, I am making effort to make this part of my regular schedule again. I've missed it sorely. It is part of my peace. Being at peace with one's self makes everything so much better, and healthier partner.

But do I fear being alone as in all by myself for the rest of my life? No. I am in a limbo holding pattern with my divorce, still working on me & Ds. I would like to think I will not be alone in a lonely way, and don't worry about that. Much of this has to do with what I sacrificed previously. And before x i was a very active and happy artist. In some ways maybe I was too independent. Room for two #1. A concept lost on x. This is something my T has asked how the BP aspects may have worked for me in the beginning. This was a curious idea for me. It was her fear of being alone or being less important which I let interfere. Regaining and maintaining my independence is important to me as a part of my return to healthy living.

I think many of us would like to have the comfort and security of a relationship. There are so many things that are better when shared. But I think it is key not to have the relationship as part of maintaining an individuals health.  It all comes back to that balance.

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« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2008, 01:17:47 PM »

Do I fear being alone?

Not fear, but missing something... .

There are times that I don't enjoy being alone, and I wish that I could reach out and share with someone (preferably adult) some intelligent conversations.

Then there are times when all I wish for is some alone time to veg out and not have to "BE" anything - mom, teacher, girlfriend, friend, advisor, daughter, or whatever hat we are expected to wear... .

I don't "fear" being alone.

I just feel the need for company and companionship and a connection to add cheer to the day... .

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« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2008, 01:52:12 PM »

My last few threads not withstanding, I don't have a problem being alone.

In fact, I think I prefer it. One of the reasons I tolerated my relationship with a BP for so long was that, being a natural loner, it took me a long time to be bothered by her demands that I isolate myself from my friends and family.

On the sex side of things, I'm becoming more comfortable with the dating/casual relationship/FWB side of things. I've met a couple of ladies who a really laid back about the whole thing, which helps.

I'm as happy sitting at home by myself, listening to music, reading, cooking, and playing with my cat as I am doing the dating thing.

I used to be terrible at it - I had such low self-esteem that I'd get waaay too enmeshed in relationships or friendships waaay to quickly, under the theory that I'd better grab whatever friends/lovers I had and hold on for dear life because a loser like me was unlikely to get another chance.

Now that I've been getting the self-esteem issues worked out, I'm beginning to relish the time I get to spend by myself. Since I have better self-esteem, I'm far more confident on those occasions when I would like companionship, meaning I have better luck actually meeting someone, which reinforces my self-esteem, which makes it easier to spend time alone... .etc.

It's a positive feedback loop. I'm probably happier now at thirty, not even officially divorced yet, than I've ever been at any point in my life.
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« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2008, 06:17:44 PM »

I love being alone.  I was an only child, so I'm used to it.  People don't understand how I can go to the zoo or Disneyland by myself and still have fun, but for me, it's freedom because I'm not beholden to others to go where they do or don't want to go.  And, in fact, I'm almost terrified of having a relationship or kids, because I'm so adamant about having my "me" time that I don't know how to deal with having someone else around and having someone need me.  It makes me feel very selfish, though.  Right now, I don't want it, though I keep telling myself if I really loved someone it would be all right.  Never had a relationship though, so I can't say for sure.  :P

Though, like someone else said, I do worry about what will happen years down the road if I'm old, ill, or disabled; I don't have anyone to take care of me.  No one to look after the cats if I can't.  No one to split the rent with. 
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« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2008, 06:31:57 PM »

When I met my ex ASPD husband, I was afraid of getting old and living alone. I had no excuse when I met my BPD because I liked my life as a single and was having the time of my life. When it ended I was hurt, yes but I don't fear being alone. There is so much in life I want to do, learn the piano, take voice lessons, join a church choir, volunteer for charitable causes and fundraisers, go to grad school... .I have very little time for myself now and cherish the few moments when I can be alone with me and my thoughts.
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« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2008, 12:04:46 AM »

The fear I have isn't being alone, I enjoy that time.  It's the scared feeling of being permanently alone.  why I'm alone.  That's the feeling of rejection and embarassment of a failed relationship.  For me I'm old school so my identity is a wife.  If I lose that identity I feel the failure of what did I do wrong?  So it's really the shame of why I'm alone that's scary.  Most girls today don't think like that.  The conditioning of woman in the 60's is alot different than woman today.   
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« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2008, 01:58:07 AM »

hmmmm  I have to pause and think as I answer this.- I was married at 20- a baby 3 mos later.  Went from secure mom and dad to BPD h and now 20 yrs later I am "on my own" for the 1st time ever!--Alone- No- I have my Daughter (14) but she goes to her dads and then I am alone! But - i dont mind it! I am getting used to it.  Life is changing- and I guess you just need to get comfortalbe with yourself.

Do I want to be alone forever?  NO-   I think I am ok for the next while so I can learn who I am  but eventually I would love to share my life with a man I can truly identify with and have intamacy with!

I never could do that with my BPD H (after 20 yrs)- and still have a lot of life in me- and still have a lot of passion and zest for life!  Incredbily so!  I have a warm heart and an endearing personality and love people! I am a COMPLETE extrovert!  So being alone is different- and I cant see it being my destiny- but for now- it has a purpose that will be defining for me! 

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« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2008, 09:37:04 AM »

Yes. And I see nothing wrong with that, and here is why:

Every living and non-living thing is interdependent-we can talk food chain, to the interactions of cells, atoms, and quanta. It's all part of the same pure energy when you break it down, and all energy is in motion and is vibrating. People need people the same as whales need to swim together, and wolves need to run in packs. And people need love and companionship-of some kind. The very fact that any living species can reproduce is further evidence, or there would just be one of everything that lasted eternally. I think our society puts too much energy into selling us the image that it's not only acceptable to be selfish, but preferred. We live in the "MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE Generation", and very few people are truly in touch with the feelings of others, let alone their own needs. Any reality show is an example of this. No matter the plot of the show, everyone is in it for their own selfish reasons. Kids sporting Ipods, 64 bit hand-held video games, cell phones, Myspace pages, while mom and dad go off and spend more time wearing their life down by overworking to aquire more things that are supposed to make our lives "easier". The result? A generation of neglected kids who become BPD's, and "pop-culture" counselors who let us believe that we are never healthy until we no longer need anyone. Paris Hilton has a show where people (mostly BPD's I imagine) compete to become her "best friend forever?" And how many millions of people give a sht? Too many. She is BPD! THAT is crazy shallow sh&t.

Everyone fears being truly alone, I believe. Picture yourself as the last human being floating through the universe in some type of spacesuit or spacecraft that could go ANYWHERE. At first, you would be amazed at what you saw, and so pre-occupied that the fact you are alone wouldn't matter. But after a while, most of us would start to realize that we had no one to share these perceptions with, no one to tell the stories to, and we would doubt our own sanity of what we even perceived! (kind of like being a Non, I guess. hehe)  If this is what you mean by the fear of being alone, then hell yes, I fear it. I also fear not living out my purpose (if I have one), and not fully utilizing my gifts that I have been given to help others on their paths. I believe we all have gifts and talents that make us unique and necessary to the interdependence of sustaining all life in the universe, at least until something bigger than us says, "sorry Buddy, my turn now." On the other hand, many Native American Indian tribes had "rights of passage" ceremonies that taught  young adults how to conquer their fear of death-the ultimate aloneness. Many Northern and Central Indians would send the warriors to a young man's home, and steal him from his bed, then throw him into a 9 foot hole in the earth, far from the tribe, where he had to stay over night, withstanding the weather, and the noises in the forest above. Southwestern tribes sent their young men on vision quests-alone-for weeks or days, fasting and praying, and being alone until delirium set in-the vision. But in all of these ceremonies which taught these yound warriors to conquer their fear of death, it was the tribe itself that they were taught to give these gifts and strengths back to, and it was the value of the life around them that they were taught to cherish above all else.

My parents divorced when I was about 8 yrs old, and I was raised in a poor part of town by my mom, who scrimped and saved and worked her ass off to get us through. I was hyper-intelligent, a MENSA level kid who was put into all of the advanced classes, but I didn't have the financial means to explore the opportunities. My father moved half-way to the other side of the world a couple years later, and I spent my summers with him, always in a new culture and life-style. I flew on airplanes-alone. I walked through the city at 10 yrs old while my father worked-alone. I pursued so many interests for a kid my age, from astronomy, to insects, to aquatic life, to religion, martial arts, art, poetry and especially music-alone. I loved the people I met, but I also always need time in my day to go do my thing and be independent, so I could clear my mind, even at 10 yrs old. I remember sometimes at recess, dodging my group of friends and sneaking up into a tree by myself to just observe people and listen to the leaves in the branches. I was adored by my classmates, rarely had enemies, but also was not afraid to stand up for myself if someone picked on me. After knocking the wind out of a kid who was a foot taller for bad-mouthing me to our class, nobody messed with me after that. He and I even became friends couple of years later.

Yea, I know... .where am I going with this right?

I was an intelligent, fiercely independent kid, who could have been anything. I chose my path, and I take responsibility for my choices, and for who I have become through those experiences. I NEED time alone every day as a creative person. I NEED more time alone every day just to organize all of my thoughts, dreams, and to make clear choices the next day. I love to sit alone every night, and write music, walk downtown, meditate, or read. In my life, I have not only learned how to operate alone, but though experience and circumstance, fully understand that I am an independent human being with a purpose that is unveiled to me in pieces each day I live. I will never be "one" with another person, in the truest sense, and I will never completely know my "self"-it's impossible, so why try to fool myself?  However... .

I am the loneliest person I know. I always have been a little lonely, but since the BPDXW, I have never felt so lonely in my life. I waited 34 years to settle down-after choosing to be alone for most of my adult life, and I cashed my chips on a BPD who destroyed my entire schema of what I had learned it was to truly LOVE (and whilst maintaining independence), and awoke into a world of mainly unhealthy divorced men and women in their 30's and 40's who don't know what they want and keep chasing people who have no clue about truly healthy relationships, while I study harder my "self", and the world, and love and mental illness to try to learn how to become the best me I can be-but I keep thinking, "Well, I am happy with me. In fact I think I am pretty cool, and have lived an amazing life. I'm bored with self-study, it's all I do-how selfish... .So why do these women chase dudes who haven't a clue? Is it so that I can become stronger in learning not to want those women in the first place?"

I like me. I know me as well as a person can, and better than most. I have no problem being alone. But real loneliness, is when you realize that the life you have led, and the suffering you have known, and the strength you have gathered, and the self-knowledge you have accumulated has no value in anyone's life but your own, and you keep waking up alone, and watching the women you are interested in go for unavailable "cute" guys who they would rather fix, than to just be with a guy who already understands himself, and all you want is someone to share the ride with, because you just want to know that someone in this f'ed up world gets half of what's in your heart, mind and soul, but the people you seem to have the most in common with on the rest of life still want to pursue unhealthy mismatched relationships. Next stop? Outer-space baby.

I believe that No human being needs to be completely alone in this world. If anything I think some of us try so hard to act as if we need no one, that we are really just trying to justify our suffering of feeling alone. The few of us who have got past that have names like Christ, Buddha, Rasta Fari, Crazy Horse, Lao Tzu... .not Rcoaster. Not Sam, Dave, Bill, Julie, Sarah or Jennifer.

It's the human condition, and at some point, we ALL need somebody to love. Just ask the Beatles. Were they ever wrong?

I think it's about balance, not learning to be truly non-dependent on anyone. We just need to take care of our selves so that we can all give in a healthy way to the ones we love and who love us. But to say we don't need love, or don't need others, is just as insane as BPD enmeshment.
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« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2008, 11:15:23 AM »

I can't say I'm afraid of being alone.  After the split, I have to say I realized how nice it is.  I am so glad to not have to rely on someone else and to be solely responsible for my own life.  It's a matter of perception.  I don't feel the need to have someone to take care of me since I am capable of doing that myself.  I have plenty of friends who are a great part of my life.  I don't feel "alone" since I have plenty of connections to others in my life. 

If I end up not being alone down the road, that's fine, too.  But I don't fear the possibility of that not happening.
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« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2008, 01:03:02 PM »



Good question.

I think the only reason I used to fear being alone was because it would give me too much time to think of how sad I was.

Having someone in my life romantically filled up that uncomfortable space for me.

After going to therapy and sorting everything out, I'm not fearful of being alone.

Being alone has allowed me to take care of myself which was a HUGE task!

pizaluvr
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« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2008, 02:38:17 AM »

I think that being alone is a state of mind. I felt more alone when I was in a dysfunctional relationship than now when I'm truly on my own.

I also believe that people need other people, that we’re all very sociable and interdependent. However, this is the age in which people can be really independent too, and this is something to be proud of and admire.

It seems to me that the main problem in relationships is the power struggle. Someone starts to feel weak and out of control, fears arise (fears of abandonment, being alone…) and it’s the beginning of the end of the relationship.

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« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2008, 02:42:14 AM »

My fear of being alone is probably the biggest reason I got married.  For as long as I can remember I have longed for a relationship that was ... .special, intimate (not just sexually but emotionally), different than all my other relationships.  That one place where I could be totally safe and free to do and say what I really felt without judgement but with wisdom that i could grow from.  No I don't mean a "soul mate".  I think two people who really enjoy one another and love one another can choose to have this relationship.  It takes work, hard work.  I still want that kind of relationship.  BUT, I know now that being alone is better than being in THIS relationship.  I don't ever want to feel trapped, unfree,, watched again.

So my short answer is... .yes I used to be disparately scared of being alone.  Now I am think I am modified of being in this kind of relationship again.  I'll take alone thank you very much.
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« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2011, 04:40:01 PM »

I posted on another board about being alone. I spent a good deal of time with my parents over holidays and realize how they are aging. I have one brother and a niece and nephew. We have an extended family of many cousins, aunts and uncles. I was and am a bit down because when my parents are gone I will be alone. It's not so much of not having a relationship (romantic), as it is having a base, a foundation. My niece and nephew are getting older too and building their own lives (as it should be) and soon will not have time for adults. I'm close to my bro and his wife but they have their lives as well. I just don't have the support system (friends) here since I moved in May. I had friends in my other location and we keep up on FaceBook but they are over 200 miles away and it's not feasable that we will visit often. I think I'm feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.

I'm thinking along the lines of... .who's gonna care for mom and dad when they need it etc. They are divorced which adds another layer to that question. It's not like I could just go move in with them and care for them.

I truely am overall positive about my future but I am down right now. I think it may be just the "after the holidays" let down. I start classes in a couple of weeks which will keep me busy and get me out there to meet people of like interests and goals. I'm not a real social butterfly and it takes dynamite to get me to put myself out there. If x hadn't been the liar he is and the philanderer he is, our r/s would have been perfect. We had each other and didn't seem to need a lot of ouside entertainment. But that was all false. Right?
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« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2011, 04:43:18 PM »

p.s.

I drove home late yesterday afternoon after having been with my family and all I have wanted to do since then is cry. I haven't cried but I sure do want to. I think if I could have a good snot slingin' cry I'd feel better. I don't have time for that now though.  I have to work tonight and get registered for classes Monday and Tuesday, work Wednesday night and visit fam this weekend for my dad's birthday. It's pitiful to think I have to schedule a good cry! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!
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« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2011, 07:44:52 PM »

I'm not sure I fear being alone. I have been alone for over a year now. I guess for me, what I really really miss is the intimacy. There are days I work long hours and would love to have someone special to come home to, someone to say... .hi honey, so glad you're home. To feel the closeness again, the warmth. I really really miss that. I'm ok alone. I do miss good conversation though and having dinner with a loved one. 
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« Reply #23 on: January 04, 2011, 08:22:46 PM »

My fear is living with someone, relying on them too much that i cant get alone time for myself as i so enjoy doing since i moved out in 1978. I married once, i need to try to at least live with another man and at the same time remain independent so i don't feel smothered or cornered in the r/s as i have eventually felt with everyone before and after my marriage. I've never even had a roommate except my furrychildren before the marriage and my child afterwards.

My fear is being smothered to death, physically and spiritually because of living with someone.
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« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2011, 08:59:54 PM »

I don't fear being alone, I just simply want to love and be loved.  I think life's a banquet, and to me, a banquet is to be shared. 

It's really that simple. 
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« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2011, 10:07:45 PM »

I'm alone but I am not lonely.   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: January 05, 2011, 09:14:30 AM »

Up until my uBPDxbf came into my life, I was happy being single.  I had even just gone on a solo trip to France for 9 days and I don't speak a word of French!  However, being in my late twenties that trip taught me something about myself--that I don't want to be alone forever and that life IS better with company.  I had lived and had a good time but was ready to really start dating and meet the right person.

I think that mindsite coupled with the fact that I was still building up a new network of friends (not having a solid support group) made me very suseptible to falling for my ex.  I stayed 15 months and have been out for almost 4 months now.  Looking back, it's really hard to admit to myself and even here in writing that my lonliness played a part in me staying so long.

My new network of friends actually came through for me and that is what helped me know that I'd be okay if I left him.  I still have moments of lonliness but I'm seeing a T to work on myself and I am beginning to understand more and more where this feeling is coming from and what I need to do about it.
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« Reply #27 on: January 05, 2011, 12:17:13 PM »

This is something that I've been asking myself a lot lately.

I don't know.

If you look at my history, then, yeah, clearly I fear being alone.  I married at 19 yrs, and had my first baby at 21 years.  I was "single" for only one weekend really after my divorce.  I married the very first guy I dated - engaged 10 months after my divorce was final.

But on the other hand, my H travels quite a bit for work.  I love the alone time that afords me.  I can't believe it when other couples report "we haven't spent a single night apart during our entire marriage!".  Ug, that would drive me crazy.  There have been months where my H has been out of the country on business.

And still, I do feel like a rely too much on being in a relationship. 

I'm not that much of a "girls' night out" sort of girl.  I don't usually enjoy those types of gatherings. 

My three siblings are all single.  My youngest bro refuses to marry his long time gf.  He's afraid of losing his freedom.  I'm not like my siblings. 

I also like to do things that are easier with having a guy along to help.  I love to go backpacking.  I love winter camping.  I wold be afraid to do some of  this kind of stuff completely alone.

I also love to travel both internationally and domestically.  Having someone along makes things more enjoyable.  My H is better at reading maps and driving in strange countries.  I'm better at trying to talk to complete strangers who don't understand English.  So H and I travel well together.  Recently my single dd went on a trip by herself to a city we use to visit as a family when she was young.  She's always loved the city.  When she returned she said it just wasn't any fun without someone - her family - to share the experience with.

I'm not self supporting.  I rely on my H's income.  That's pretty dependent, huh?  But it also means I get to spend a lot of time on my own.

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« Reply #28 on: January 08, 2011, 01:55:39 PM »

Wow Rcoaster... .fantastic post.  Definitely something to mull over and I can relate to alot of what you stated.  I grew up overseas also and actually like me.  I love my alone time, but like others here, it gets difficult when everywhere you look there is a couple and people jumping from one relationship to the next without taking a breath.

Excerpt
I like me. I know me as well as a person can, and better than most. I have no problem being alone. But real loneliness, is when you realize that the life you have led, and the suffering you have known, and the strength you have gathered, and the self-knowledge you have accumulated has no value in anyone's life but your own, and you keep waking up alone, and watching the women you are interested in go for unavailable "cute" guys who they would rather fix, than to just be with a guy who already understands himself, and all you want is someone to share the ride with, because you just want to know that someone in this f'ed up world gets half of what's in your heart, mind and soul, but the people you seem to have the most in common with on the rest of life still want to pursue unhealthy mismatched relationships. Next stop? Outer-space baby.



I feel the same way, I don't just want a relationship, so that I'm not alone and it baffles me why men fall for the crazy, flirty women.  I'm low-key, not flirty, but if you get to know me, I feel I'm pretty darn interesting and smart and very caring.  Most people want a quick fix. Quickly fix the pain of the last relationship... .I'm not in it to fixing anyone anymore.

Not many "normal" people out there... .

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« Reply #29 on: January 08, 2011, 02:03:14 PM »

On a personal level, being alone isn't too tough for me. On a sexual level, I have serious problems. After PM, I was sexually alone until BF. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't become involved with someone sexually again unless there was a real relationship involved. It was extremely tough for me to get through those months without a sex partner. But being without a relationship was easier to handle. I love spending time by myself or with my kids.

This is part of it for me too.  I must have bonding issues with women, because I have a desire to be intimate with someone I feel is attractive to me.  I have NOT become sexually active with anyone and will not until I am in a better place, but its something that I want.  I just want it to be with someone healthy and that I connect with.  I just don't want to "hook up". 

I can handle being alone, I just like having an intimate connection with a woman. 
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« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2011, 12:39:50 AM »

I like me. I know me as well as a person can, and better than most. I have no problem being alone. But real loneliness, is when you realize that the life you have led, and the suffering you have known, and the strength you have gathered, and the self-knowledge you have accumulated has no value in anyone's life but your own, and you keep waking up alone, and watching the women you are interested in go for unavailable "cute" guys who they would rather fix, than to just be with a guy who already understands himself, and all you want is someone to share the ride with, because you just want to know that someone in this f'ed up world gets half of what's in your heart, mind and soul

Wow, rcoaster, this is exactly how I feel.  And you wrote it so beautifully that it gave me a rush, the way a really awesome piece of slam poetry does, or hearing a new song with lyrics that say exactly what I am feeling.  I also agree strongly with these parts:

Excerpt
If anything I think some of us try so hard to act as if we need no one, that we are really just trying to justify our suffering of feeling alone.

Excerpt
I think it's about balance, not learning to be truly non-dependent on anyone. We just need to take care of our selves so that we can all give in a healthy way to the ones we love and who love us. But to say we don't need love, or don't need others, is just as insane as BPD enmeshment.

I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am lonely.  I feel much better overall then I did at the end of my marriage, so I don't ever wish I was back in that.  But being a one man wolf pack gets lonely.  In the past I have lived alone for a couple years, but have never been more than a few months in between relationships.  Even then, I've never been more than a couple months without at least casually dating since I was 17.  When I was younger, I think a lot of it had to do with convincing myself I was lovable.  If someone loved me, even if they weren't "in my league" then at least I wasn't totally unlovable.  I had someone.  In my 20s, though, I became more independent and much more confident, and I often thought I would never get married before meeting stbxh.  I couldn't think of a single thing I NEEDED a man for.  I had a good education, a good job I loved, was good at managing money, could take care of all the "guy stuff" around the house, could adopt kids if I wanted them, had plenty of friends, and am generally a really independent person who NEEDS some space and time alone every day.  However, a lot of things are more fun with someone to share them with.  I like having a dinner companion, a travel companion, and someone to curl up with in front of a movie, or in bed with at the end of the day.  I like knowing someone is there and always has my back.  I was surprised how much I really enjoyed living with someone and being married (well, that is, until things all went to hell!)

I'm fine on my own.  These days, I'd much prefer being alone then in a bad relationship.  However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss a lot of things about being in a relationship.  I really liked being a wife, and I think I was pretty good at that (though perhaps stbxh would disagree  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ) and I do think it sort of becomes your identity.  I had felt confident that being alone wasn't something I was going to have to face until God forbid something happened to stbxh... .so this being alone thing is something I'm still getting used to.  Afraid of being alone?  Not so much.  But not enjoying it either.
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« Reply #31 on: April 27, 2011, 08:40:58 PM »

I don't know if I fear being alone, or if I just miss the constant communication/presence of my ex-fiance. Before I met her, I had no problems going to a movie or anywhere by myself. During the few months following the breakup I couldn't STAND to be by myself. I even had to dial people up while I was walking around my neighborhood. I don't feel nearly as anxious now... .I guess it was trauma from the break-up more than anything?
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« Reply #32 on: April 28, 2011, 11:22:58 AM »

I think I used to fear being alone.  Not any more.  I like me, I really like me  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Quite honestly, I'm much more afraid of being with another BPD or garden variety abuser than I fear being alone. 

That said, I would enjoy companionship, partnership in life.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  In the meantime, I'm cool.   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2018, 02:13:07 PM »

Humm, I think it would be more accurate to say, I fear my Self. (Maybe this is the same thing, idk it just feels slightly different tho)

Sometimes I can become overly preoccupied in a relational dynamic or another person or any thing external to me as an escape from my Self... .and as an escape from the present moment.

Excerpt
Could this have been part of your relationship issues?

Sure

I am sure that I entered into that past relationship feeling “more whole” for having him as a partner.  It helped me define my identity and it gave me a false sense of security having “a partner” to share life with.  I felt like I really liked who I was when with him.

I was lacking a good relationship with myself though.  I did not realize this.  Yet, where I am now, it is apparent that I was not as ok with just my Self.

Having a partner who I felt accepted me gave me the illusion of being ok with my Self.  Ironically, I was preoccupied with his issues as a way to avoid my own.  (His issues being his exW with BPD harrassing him.  My issues being my son’s chronic illnesses, and my own dysfunctional habits.)
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« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2018, 05:50:12 PM »

Not afraid to be alone since I basically was my first 7 or so years out of college. I think it’s more about dating again at my age and dealing with someone else’s inevitable baggage.

I can tell you that I probably tolerated obvious red flashes 10 years ago because she was pretty, a hard worker and into me. I was feeling the pressure of getting into a committed relationship internally and from family, especially if I wanted to have children.

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« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2018, 07:44:35 PM »

I don't think I've ever explicitly feared the idea of being alone, but to say that it wasn't some kind of a factor in my decision to stay in an abusive relationship would be a misnomer. I do think that I used to be somewhat over demanding of my friends, although that has greatly decreased as I've gotten older. Nowadays I find that I'm not trying to do everything, be everywhere, or meet everybody. I have different standards for myself, and I don't bend over backwards to please people. This very clearly, as I see it, was not always the case.

I would have to say that being alone is a very real fear for any living human being. Like other things, however, it only becomes a problem when we let that fear override good sense. Would I prefer being alone over hanging out with a bunch of drug addicts? Yes. Would I prefer being alone over letting someone abuse me emotionally? Yes. If those answers were no (behaviorally, I mean), I think it would be a good idea for me to get some help.

I have to say that my biggest fears probably revolve around the opposite idea at this point. It has been an uphill battle learning to trust others again since my failed relationship, to drop my guard and just be myself around people that I don't know. Day by day, I have gotten better at it.

I feel ready for new things, whatever they might be. It doesn't mean that I take pause and don't have to push myself past my comfort zone at times. I seek to... .learn about myself responsibly. To be reasonable in my risk taking, I suppose. I try to grow every day. I think it's good practice to stop every once in a while and ask ourselves 'how am I improving upon past versions of myself?'

To what extent does a fear of being alone have to do with any of this? I'm not sure and I don't think about it too much, which seems to be working for me.
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« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2018, 07:50:17 PM »

An interesting question that Skip posed about being alone.

I have found that the fear or anxiety of being alone may be linked to childhood fears, particularly when the home was an unsafe place for the child, e.g., domestic violence of various kinds. This type of environment can be particularly found in homes where there was a borderline disorder or trait parent present.

Working with a therapist on relationship issues is an ideal time to address childhood issues that have not been processed. It would seem that such childhood topics carry core obstacles that need to be approached in their own right and then examined as they relate to adult relationships.
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« Reply #37 on: January 22, 2018, 10:08:31 PM »

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Robin Williams
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« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2018, 10:15:14 PM »

Wow! Robin Williams was so on target, so profound
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« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2018, 10:18:39 PM »

In Jan 2018, Britian appointed a Minister for Loneliness in recognition of the mental health issues caused by it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minister_for_Loneliness
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-politics-health/britain-appoints-minister-for-loneliness-amid-growing-isolation-idUSKBN1F61I6
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« Reply #40 on: January 23, 2018, 02:36:38 AM »

I do find pretty substantial discomfort in being alone and that it probably has been a contributing factor in why I’ve stayed in some of my relationships. I find this interesting Zen. It’s something I’ll have to explore deeper.
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« Reply #41 on: January 23, 2018, 10:35:46 AM »

it wouldnt be obvious to me that i fear being alone. im a textbook introvert. most of the time i love being alone, need it.

Clinical evidence supports the fact that all too often one of the main reasons that both men and women get into a relationship, and then often stay in a relationship, is related to a fear of being alone.

i would have told you a long time ago, that i was afraid for my ex of her being alone, and its true. she was very dependent on me, and had a difficult time being apart from me. i wonder though, how much of that was projection on my end, and how much of it was me feeling powerful from her dependence on me.

A fear of being alone can be directly related to lack of self-confidence

i think what i fear, on some level, is being, not alone, but on my own. independent. self sufficient. in the past, over reliance and dependency on others have definitely held me back in life. i think thats why it made me feel powerful to have someone so dependent on me, and it also took the focus and anxiety away from me.

when i first came here, i was introduced to a little concept called "self efficacy". it seemed to fit me a little better than issues with self esteem. self efficacy is essentially about believing in yourself. i think that at the end of the day, i do. i know that when the rubber meets the road, when the pressures on, im often at my best. ive come a long way in this regard, but its something i would say i have struggles with and holds me back.

in the case of my relationship, i believed i deserved better, and my relationship did not fit my model of what a healthy, loving relationship should be, and yet i could never do more than threaten to leave.

more on this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276121.msg12614401#msg12614401
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« Reply #42 on: January 23, 2018, 12:42:38 PM »

I'm not sure if my fear of being alone has me trapped or if its more my extroverted personality... . 
I have been alone before and while not fun, I manage.

Where I get hung up as a true extrovert is that I love life, and I love people.  I believe there are so many wonderful and beautiful things in life that should be shared.  Why keep such beautiful things to yourself? (its ok if you do though).   For me it just seems second nature to be with others and to enjoy, share, commiserate, laugh, cry with others. 

I don't fear being alone, I just don't like it.
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« Reply #43 on: January 23, 2018, 01:16:16 PM »

I don't feel it is or was relevant at all.

I am quite able to just be by myself. I don't really like to be alone, but I never feared it. Perhaps I should have: most of my friends have gone their own way (age related) and I have waited too long to act... .
Now I am alone.

I have seen this especially in my first encounter with a pwBPD: that girl felt alone no matter what. She had a lot of friends and could be the center of attention. But she still claimed to feel alone.

That's the difference: I feel alone when I AM alone. They always feel alone.

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« Reply #44 on: January 23, 2018, 02:50:42 PM »

I have seen this especially in my first encounter with a pwBPD: that girl felt alone no matter what. She had a lot of friends and could be the center of attention. But she still claimed to feel alone.

That's the difference: I feel alone when I AM alone. They always feel alone.

This very thing has been said to me over the past few months.  uBPDw and I are on the verge of meltdown and I she has said to me that she still feels very alone in the marriage despite me being there for her ALL the time... .  I would hate to feel that way.
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« Reply #45 on: January 23, 2018, 03:59:13 PM »

No, I enjoy my own company and like time alone to read, play music, do artwork, exercise and commune with nature.  Like once removed, I'm an introvert by nature and need down time in order to recharge.  On the other hand, I'm an introvert who has learned to be an extrovert, in the sense that I have a garrulous side and like to socialize, perhaps because I enjoy interacting with people.  During my marriage to my BPDxW, I craved time to myself because my Ex was so demanding and insecure whenever I did things on my own, due to her own fear of abandonment.

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« Reply #46 on: January 23, 2018, 07:57:44 PM »

I replied significant factor.  I remember once during my relationship when I was just super miserable thinking "I want to leave him, why am I not?" and then I was like "Ugh but I hate dating, it's just easier to stay in this relationship... ." 

I do hate dating, but god I hate how I feel after this relationship so much more.  So I'm working hard now on learning how to be happy by myself again.
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« Reply #47 on: January 23, 2018, 11:02:14 PM »

Hi WTL-
I have have shared those feelings as well, and have as you described stayed in a relationship. For me it was because of the fear of "never" finding another person. This fear has been exaggerated because eventually I would meet someone and commence a relationship that would often span years. This fear is I believe connected to childhood issues. My mom was a bp trait person, and I say trait because she was never diagnosed. The emotional climate at home was such that now I realize I had so much fear of being left alone without anyone to protect me. This childhood fear is something I am exploring in therapy at the moment.

I also enjoy being alone but it is much easier to enjoy this state when there is a partner in the picture, when there is someone to connect to if I want to.
Zen606
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« Reply #48 on: January 23, 2018, 11:38:14 PM »

Oh boy... .the truth?  I fear being alone with him, old, unable to move with no escape, and having to listen to him complain about everything and everyone... .I often wonder what he says about me when he's not here.  It cannot be good!  Oh look... .I made myself laugh!
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« Reply #49 on: January 24, 2018, 07:13:12 AM »

Yes, 25+ years ago I was more than ready to get married. I found a man who wanted to be my end-all, and I clung to him.

Part of why I stayed though was the children, and the belief that somehow I could make it work. I have been largely a stay-at-home mom for 20 years with various part-time jobs, so there was that too.

Over and over he complained that I wasn't meeting his needs and that I wasn't his first priority. The reality is that I never would have met his needs the way he wanted. It was humanly impossible. Changing jobs, dropping all evening activities, only seeing my friends when he was at work, etc. etc. was never enough.

Now I know how twisted all of that was. I don't fear being alone now. It's far better than being in a destructive marriage with someone who has BPD/NPD. I do have our two young adults living with me, but when they leave, I honestly think I'll be fine.
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« Reply #50 on: January 24, 2018, 11:30:04 AM »

Excerpt
I don't fear being alone now. It's far better than being in a destructive marriage with someone who has BPD/NPD. I do have our two young adults living with me, but when they leave, I honestly think I'll be fine.

Like what you're saying, MeandThee.  LJ
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« Reply #51 on: January 25, 2018, 08:01:50 AM »

In Jan 2018, Britian appointed a Minister for Loneliness in recognition of the mental health issues caused by it.
Thanks for sharing this.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Can you imagine introducing yourself to other ministries and saying you're the Minister for Loneliness? Apart from that--I think it's good that the UK is taking it seriously and in such a public way. I'm quite sure it was found that there was a significant link between isolation and serious illness.
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« Reply #52 on: January 26, 2018, 12:19:02 AM »

Yes, this is a big issue for me. It's funny, because most people would say I'm pretty independent. This is an issue for me right now. I drifted back into the relationship I was in while I was having an affair with my ex. I broke up with him soon after my ex cut off contact with me, hoping I could get him back. The uBPD affair partner, that is. Ended up back in the relationship I cheated in. I'm not in love but am afraid to leave again, because I feel like I can't take another upheaval. Also, my boyfriend is always saying things like that he couldn't  Live without me. I don't want to hurt him again. Also, I don't feel like anyone else understands me.
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« Reply #53 on: January 26, 2018, 12:45:13 AM »

Hi Steelwork,
I certainly understand where you are coming from. My situation is similar. The non-bp man I was involved with, before I met my bptrait ex, wants me to go back to him and be a couple again. As its no fun to be alone I am considering it, but I feel like I'm settling, as I am not in love with him. I'm working on this in therapy but right now its a confusing scenario for me. 
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« Reply #54 on: January 26, 2018, 06:37:46 AM »

Im not afraid being alone. In fact, i have been alone most of my life. So, its nothing new for me, but i do see that this a problem for lots of people out there.
I have done some online dating, mostly though just looking some pen pals. And well, no one wants just a pen pal, they want relationship and they want that fast. This is ridiculous.
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« Reply #55 on: January 26, 2018, 10:12:45 AM »

The non-bp man I was involved with, before I met my bptrait ex, wants me to go back to him and be a couple again. As its no fun to be alone I am considering it, but I feel like I'm settling, as I am not in love with him.

Hey Zen606,

I don't know what your circumstances are. These things are never simple, of course. But if it's truly a matter of not wanting to be alone, beware of trapping yourself and someone else in an unhappy relationship. I say that as someone who has made the mistake more than once. (More than once even with the same person.)
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« Reply #56 on: January 26, 2018, 09:52:09 PM »

Hi Steelwork,
Yes, this being alone business can be an issue for someone like me that likes companionship. My non bp friend of 12 years and I have discussed it, and right now the idea of having the solid friendship that we do may work for the time being. So both of us continue to look at it. I enjoy being with him greatly, I could say we are soul mates of sorts -- and love him as a person very much, just not in love.

Still thinking about this and processing it in therapy.

Thank you for responding.
Zen606
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« Reply #57 on: January 26, 2018, 11:19:52 PM »

Hi happendtome-
I agree, there appears to be a rush to get into relationships, while having friends/pen pals can be more satisfying in the long run. I like the idea of men and women being friends -- face to face or otherwise. One can develop the friendship slowly without the pressure that a romantic relationship brings, and as far as I can see male/female friendships can last much longer than one's based on romance and sex.
Friendships or companionships  are antidotes for being alone, which I believe is not a healthy state to be in. Humans are social creatures. I certainly don't want to be alone, its not the path for me. So a comanionship with a male is much welcome.  Particularly after the circus that was my ex bptrait male lover.
Zen606
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« Reply #58 on: January 27, 2018, 02:01:10 AM »

Being afraid of being alone was certainly one of the biggest reasons for my contact with BPD friend at first. After 2 years of caring for a dying husband and little contact, I was very vulnerable, and my other family and friends had little time for me. I became totally dependent on him;even the difficulties were a way of blocking out my aloneness. Now I have recovered, really, and I feel happy alone too, as I used to do. Friend is still about and we have a good relationship where I can mostly detach from his disregulations. But I am truly very fond of him, even the nuisancy and unpleasantg bits. He still is my main contact - but I am not dependant.
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Zen606
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« Reply #59 on: January 28, 2018, 12:29:58 AM »

Foggydew
I would have remained friends with my bptrait ex, he wanted to me to, however because I still love him I decided against it and have been NC for 3 months now. My feelings for him would have put me back into the recycle mode. One year -- on and off -- of the carousel was enough for me.  You were able to establish a friendship with him, this is great!
Zen606
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« Reply #60 on: January 31, 2018, 01:30:45 PM »

Zen, I think you sound very sensible and I can totally understand your point of view. Personally, I'd much rather have friendships than romantic relationships now, all that stress isn't worth it, and friends can (and often do) last a lifetime. Relationships develop into friendships later anyway.
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« Reply #61 on: February 02, 2018, 01:17:19 AM »

In a sense his constant breakup threats have helped "cure" this fear. After so many of them I've come out the other side and realized "being alone" is literally not the "worst" thing that can happen to you.

I hope I can find a way to be totally independent and yet not entirely unattached to others - I don't think that would be healthy for me either.
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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
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« Reply #62 on: February 02, 2018, 07:51:23 AM »

Alone?  This is a truly great question in fact much of my issues related to moving on particularly on really bad days, may well be coiled  up somewhere around this one.  I have spent so much of my life alone, work and travel, study and single until 30 when I married, that this is fairly significant question for me.  I am part of a big family now, my own 5 kids (now no BPD wife soon to be ex-wife long gone).

Do I miss her in particular or do I hate being alone, Do I miss the je ne sais quoi, that was unique to our relationship, on the rare occasion it was good.  Finally is it  the jealousy of her having a great life with someone else,  (she isn't it turns out, not being sour grapes... .but she is in a very bad place, very sick now, stress related illness and her life an absolute walking disaster since she left, however I do not wish her bad omens, rather I do hope she heals and finds peace as she gets older, but suggest it will be a very isolated corner she finds herself in, before she comes free of the place she now finds herself trapped. 

OK, so what is my conclusion.  Guess what it doesn't matter.   I have moved on.  I am on a diet and down 2kg already.  Getting proactive.  Feeling great. I am already finding new friends and as I compare notes with so many others managing to escape terrible marriages, figure my BPD life was actually not as good as I like to cherry pick on my lonely days.  It was a case now just remembering of bracing myself as I walked in the door, as I was always greeted with a list of things that had gone wrong and I by some magic was supposed to either a) fix  or b) not fix but put up with her whining about it.   Even the bits I thought were pretty brilliant, turns out were far less than they should have been and very few in number... .overall score, substandard and heavily compromised. Pretty sad really.  Way too many points of disconnect.  So I am continuing to develop friendships first, then perhaps later I will be ready for a far better look around. 
Regards,
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« Reply #63 on: February 06, 2018, 11:30:00 PM »

Hi Foggydew,
Yes, I need time for myself, to think about which road I want to take now. Friendship gives me companionship and space. And, its just right for me at this time!
Thank you for the encouraging words.
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Chynna
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« Reply #64 on: February 22, 2018, 04:31:35 PM »

No... .I'm a frustrated writer. :0)
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