BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage and passive aggression

[BPDFamily.com]

I’m surprised to learn that passive aggressiveness is not a identifier for BPD.

Although my mother has not been professionally diagnosed with BPD, after learning of the disorder, I feel confident that she has this disorder.

In my experience, her use of passive aggressiveness, as a tool to manipulate others to meet her needs/wants, is her primary way of interacting.

Maybe it is a byproduct of the disorder that is common?

[Person2]

I’m surprised to learn that passive aggressiveness is not a identifier for BPD.

Although my mother has not been professionally diagnosed with BPD, after learning of the disorder, I feel confident that she has this disorder.

In my experience, her use of passive aggressiveness, as a tool to manipulate others to meet her needs/wants, is her primary way of interacting.

Maybe it is a byproduct of the disorder that is common?

[Crispy Waffle]

The lack of frequent outward, stereotypical "rage" from my estranged wife left me questioning, at first, whether she was BPD. But then I started finding more info on "quiet rage" and realized that in fact, she is a very angry person, but it doesn't manifest in the way we typically think of anger and rage. She will cry and emote, going into the overt blaming mode, and while considering all of this I also recalled those moments where she would let out these primal screams and then rail at me, accusing me of being so abusive, damaging, etc. And I realized that typically happened when I really pushed back hard on her when she would be engaging in the heavy blaming and/or insisting on being right, getting her way, etc. I learned to cave and avoid her BS by capitulating over the many years, but in hindsight I realized that often if I pushed back on her more significant (frequent) boundary violations she went ape-$hit! Stand your ground, and they can't handle running out of ammo.

[Blank]

Ok, Hello Everyone! I am new here.

I read most of the comments, I did not read them all, so I apologize in advance if this was already said.

Irritation, anger and rage are very different. I have experience them all, numerous times. That said, BPD rage is different. I am going to give you an inside look at my experience. I am also going to paraphase loosely some other peoples information for ease and clarity. I am also going to put them on a 1-10 scale of where I would personally rate them on an anger scale.

Irritation/Annoyance: We have all felt this. The supermarket line was a good example. 2.5/10

Anger: Physiological changes like jaw clenching, etc. (I liked the example the guys previously used.) 5/10

Rage: Loss of control of your anger. Instability, and impaired reasoning due to emotional overwhelming. 8/10

Obviously these are all on a spectrum, but that is how I would rate them normally.

There are 2 things in my experience that are unique to BPD.
I have BPD raged numerous times as well, and it does not fit these feelings. It is completely different. It scares people. It shifts rooms.

As the person who experienced this, I can tell you my feelings at the time:

Everything was normal, then something was said. Did I hear that right? "What?..."
Everything stops. (Brain going into Hyperdrive) How to react? What just happened? He spit in our face...

Trigger Warning(Violence)



At this moment, Something inside is screaming danger! The path in our brain that the instance is linked to is out of our control. I was unstoppable.

Before I knew it I had them slammed through a wall with their feet dangling. They disrespected me, they assaulted me, and they threatened me. I logically understood that he was a kid. I logically understood that he was a troubled child just like me. It didn't matter. What he did triggered my specific reaction to that situation. The abuse I suffered was humiliation, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, instability. Him spitting on me was a trigger of disrespect and humiliation. Him and I have no issues now, but this was a long time ago.

This reaction is out of context of what many people with bpd may experience, as I am on the more extreme end. Violence was how I was raised. Please do not think that violence is a normal, or acceptable action with or without BPD.

The Second thing. Splitting
I will tell you what it feels like. and what I have been told it looks like. First, the looks. Consistently people have told me that when i get angry, after a certain point, i go blank. (Blank look on face, no emotion, cold seething hatred, disdain, or any number of descriptions have been applied) This is also something that I can feel.
At this point, when I go "Blank"
This is another shift feeling for me. Of something shifting. The intensity is dependent on the relationship. The last person I split from was my best friend of 25 years. He threatened by job security, my livelihood. Something I never thought he would do. The betrayal was massive! My soul was torn into shreds. The pain of that betrayal was lightning fast, and the rage came instantly. I let go, and launched into full on attack mode arguing(Verbal disagreement, not physical) with him. Him and I have never had a fight in 25 years. But he had never betrayed me like this before. My best friend. I cried, I yelled, I stomped, and paced. But I would not put this into a bpd rage category, just a normal rage. Something happened during the argument that was the final straw. How could he betray me like this? I dont even remember what it was he said, but when he said it, it was like the final confirmation. The argument was me voicing my pain and showing my feelings. That means that it can still be fixed. (We should have taken some time apart before trying to hash it out) Once he said, "Insert whatever you want here, it was personal trigger related." It was a shift feeling. (Kind of like the sound pneumatic tubes make when a tube arrives). I no longer cared. I couldn't afford to. With my emotional sensitivity, losing my best friend would kill me. not just my best friend, but the guy who was my safe place away from home. The guy who taught me everything good in my life. I put up a barrier. He could see it. The sadness in his eyes when he realized it is one of my greatest regrets. He recognized that our friendship was over in that moment. And I didn't care. I couldn't. If the only person who has ever made me feel safe and ok was about to reject me, then I'm gonna die. I cant handle that. {Brain: Shut off all emotion for Best Friend. He is going to hurt us.}

This is the best way I can describe it from my point of view. I hope this helps people who deal with BPD sufferers on a daily basis. The best advice I can give, is to be clear. Set clear boundries. Don't say things you don't mean. We can tell. Don't lie, we can tell. Don't feed the emotions. Arguing with a calm person is difficult. Listen to us, and make us feel valid.

The best way I can describe it in a metaphorical nutshell is like, standing on the beach. Normal people will stand at the edge of the water, and dip their toes in, or maybe wade a bit. Some further will go chest deep. And rarer still, are the ones that swim. Suffering from BPD is like being caught in the undertow. We are just struggling to stay alive even though we are drowning in emotions. Everything is turned up to 100/10.

[CC43]

I see rage as anger that is out of control.  When the pwPBD in my life rages, she is all emotion, and her rage is ruthlessly mean, directed at inflicting pain on others so that they feel first-hand the pain that she's experiencing.  The rage may be triggered by an annoyance, disappointment, or stress, and it will explode into something completely disproportionate and out of control.  Anger might be logical and justified; you can understand and relate to it, and maybe even figure out how to fix the underlying problem.  Rage is fury--intense, disordered, non-specific and usually destructive.

[Randi Kreger]

I won’t say that fear is everything, but so much rage is really based in fear that the high conflict person is going to lose you. Somebody with BPD fears abandonment, and somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, fears, losing narcissistic supply, which is any kind of attention, admiration, etc. that they can get from the people who have supplied narcissistic supply in the past.

Rage is also fear of loss of control. High conflict people need to feel that they are in control all the time because they can’t manage their feelings and drives any other way. If you show up and start changing plans, they’re going to get angry. I suggest that you plan things far in advance.

Whatever the cause of the rage honestly is immaterial to how to deal with it. I suggest that people have a no rage policy. Nobody has to be reached at. There isn’t something so important that saying it in a louder and more insistent voice is going to get them more of what they want.

When the person is called, tell them that your new policy is to never be reached out by anyone. This is better than just saying it to your loved one. It’s better if they know that everybody has to follow that rule. No raging.

Then set consequences. A consequence is a way that you will take care of yourself when somebody does you asked them not to, or didn’t do something you asked them to do. You’ll get the idea. The best ideas of consequences surrounding rages are saying, “I’m going to be going out of the house because as I said, I’m not going to be around raging. I will be back in an hour.”

When you leave, it’s always best, especially if you have a person with BPD to let them know when you will be back.

[try2heal]

When someone rages (outwardly) there is a clear distinction of what is normal expression of anger and absolute rage.  This is waht i would see during anger and rage:

Anger: Talking quickly, slightly raised voice, flitting between refusing to listen to me and asking me to explain and listening.  Always tried to look like he was being diplomatic, but still had trouble actually listening to me and understanding.  Would, at times end the conversation in a half normal way and say he would speak to me later.  Usually came out of this relatively quickly or could be spoken round in some way.

Rage: Absolutely out of the blue screaming/shouting, calling me extremely nasty things in a really nasty voice, telling me repeatedly how much he wanted me out of his life (usually F*** O** thrown in there) no listening to me whatsoever and i mean, not a single word, simply screaming over me.  At one point he actually screamed a question to a third party who was not actually there!  Crying hysterically, throwing things, hitting himself... .  This would go on anywhere from an hour to two hours and sometimes he's stop, then carry on raging at me the next day out of the blue again... .he could not be spoken out of this in any way, no matter what i said or did, it was blind rage.

This is nearly exactly what I would experience. As things got "better" with work in couples therapy about his inability to handle negative emotions, he would walk away, into another room, and lay down for awhile. He'd come back and apologize. But he couldn't keep it in for long. Later that day or the next, he'd start raging. Call me defensive and then start yelling at me, follow me when I tried to walk away, make fun of me using my hands when I speak or calling me aggressive for the way I moved, and then into the insults and accusations. It would move from him being upset about something to claiming I had psychological issues, was sleeping with an ex, was pining for my ex-husband, etc. This could go on for hours. I would go try to sleep in another space and 30 minutes later he'd flip on the light and go at it again. If I left, he'd call over and over and over. Then the next day, all love.