9999 | Should We Tell The Other Man/Woman Of The Affair?

[lcx700m]

I would call the person and let them know.  It takes two right?  I would tell all and no shame in the game.  Who cares what happens as you will let it off your chest and feel better.  You don't want that person back anyway...  

[ron7127]

I just wanted to say that people with BPD are amazingly charming and have this ability to turn bad news into good news.  I've also noticed that when it comes to love, people want to believe the person that they love more than anything.  To be honest, this is how I see it playing out:

You tell the wife - she reacts in a negative way to you because she thinks that you don't know her personal life.  She confronts her husband (already a well-established liar) and asks for the truth (and that is if what you've told her has led her to question him).  He lies and tells her that you are just a loser (like his piece on the side tells him) with nothing better to do than to be a home wrecker.  They mutually pity you (or greatly dislike your desire to sabotage their lives) and your stbx gains ammunition.  All you would be doing is feeding into her - and that is the last thing on earth that you want.  The mess that she makes of others lives is not your problem (heartless to say but true), it's time to start disengaging and letting your BEST revenge being that you find a way to lead a happy and carefree life without her (and trust me, for a BPD that REALLY is awful).  Perhaps she even thrives on drama and would actually enjoy having the wife find out.

This does happen, but not as frequently as one might think. In the vast majortiy of cases i have read, the other spouse , while initially shocked, does believe the person telling and does take action.

[scrabble]

Been lurking mostly lately. Divorce is heating up and haven't had a lot of time/energy to write a response sufficient to all of the posts.

Thanks to all of you for your feedback and insights.

I wish I could sum it all up into a simple answer. But I think it's clear from all the opinions that there isn't one for this question. Some thoughts though:

• This is a personal decision for each of us that are faced with it. Some may disagree, but there isn't a single "right" answer that fits everyone and all situations.



• There are potential consequences for everyone involved that need to be considered carefully.



• It may not be right or reasonable to say that you should keep emotions out of the decision, but you should at least be clear and understand how your emotions play in the decision and be clear on your intentions and motivation.



• People who cheat suck.

I still don't know if or what I'll do personally. I don't intend to do anything until I work through the divorce. Got enough drama to handle at the moment.

I have another consideration as well. Apologies if someone already made mention of this, but I don't recall seeing it. There are kids involved on both sides. Doesn't change the question, but the impact of any resulting consequence on them is a huge consideration.

So again. Thank you all for your responses and this discussion. My basic questions was: Why not tell. I definitely got answers to that and a whole lot more.

scrabble

[lbmeyer]

I think we all agree that cheaters suck! 

Good luck, God bless and remember to take care of yourself and do what you can for your kids.

Lori

[John Z]

I'll go out on a limb here and be rather blunt - and I do this w/o having read all the posts - but... .

To me, the whole idea of meddling w/ stbx's affair-partner's wife is just another version of caretaking/codepending, where you're taking responsibility for something/someone (whoever it may be) that shouldn't be yours to take.  A non may well feel great empathy towards the "other", jilted partner in this scenario... .but the whole dynamic of _that marriage should be the last thing you need to worry about imho.  The adults here can and should work things out amongst themselves (unless of course you do feel there is a child abuse/neglect situation going on that warrants contacting authorities - OK that to me is the main viable exception). 

A non breaking away from a BP normally has huge caretaking/codependency issues to attend to.  Real world applications of same that involve others besides (or in addition to) BP seem an excellent forum to test out new growth in a better direction, to avoid the very types of patterns that resulted in so much trouble in relating to the BP to begin with.   So my suggestion might be, use this as an opportunity to grow in a newer/better direction of self-care, while "letting go / letting God" w.r.t. things/people that aren't, and shouldn't really be, your responsibility.

[Crazy Love]

John Z,

Well stated!  You are spot on.

[boarderchic]

Also, I just found it interesting that no one I talked to said "you have to telll her.". Just got me thinking why the common reaction was not that one. Never had

much reason to think about it before this year.

I haven't had time to read all the posts, but here is someone who is saying that you have to tell her.  It may be in your best interests not to, as then it's easier to pawn your abusive BPD partner off on her lover, but that doesn't make it right.  Wouldn't YOU want to know?  I certainly would and no amount of rationalizations makes it OK to keep the information from me.  I don't care if my husband cheated but had decided never to do it again.  I don't care if it would disrupt my life.  I don't care if it would put me in a financially awkward position.  I don't want to live a lie and I have the right to the information I need to make these decisions.  In my opinion, it is cowardly to keep this information to yourself.  It's also condescending.  Who is anyone to decide for the other person that it is better for them to continue livigng a lie, for whatever reason, than to make a decision based on truth?  Who are you to decide that it would be less disruptive for her, or less upsetting, or financially better, or better for the kids?  Some people feel that having parents who live a life of lies and affairs is worse than having divorced parents and they are entitled to that opinion and entitled to act on it even if someone else disagrees about what is in the cheated partner's and kids best interest.  Different people have different opinions of what financial viability is.  And they have a right to assert their opinions in their own life and not have decisions made for them through withholding of information.  The other person has a right to know and not to live a life of lies.  Sure, they might choose to stay.  But then they are choosing with full knowledge of their situation.  I often read of women who are devastated by their spouse's affair and have that devastation compounded by the humiliation of knowing that someone could have enlightened them but chose not to.  I think it's selfish to keep it to yourself, so that you can feel good about "taking the high road" and not being vindictive.  Just because it feels satisfying to get a bit of revenge on your own cheating partner does not mean telling the other person is wrong - there are plenty of good reasons to tell her.  And I haven't even mentioned STDs.  Again, now that you have this information, who are you to decide that she shouldn't have the information she needs to stay healthy?  You can decide for yourself if you want to continue a sexual relationship with a cheater, knowing the risks.  Is it really fair to decide for someone else that the risks are reasonable?  They deserve the chance to decide and while it's certainly not easy, I think you are obligated to provide information that could have a deadly impact on someone else's life.    How would you feel if you later found out the other partner who was being cheated on got HIV because they were clueless of their cheating spouse's activities?  How would you feel if it was you in that position, instead of your wife's lover's wife?  Sure, maybe the other person knows, but maybe they don't and I think it is better to err on the side of telling them.  If they do know, then you're not really disrupting anything by repeating the information (although I'm sure discussing it would be upsetting, do you really think that telling someone who already knows is going to somehow change their mind about what they have decided to do about it?), and if they don't then you are basically respecting their right to be an autonomous individual and make their own decisions about their lives, decisions based on reality and not lies kept from the person based on your judgement of what is in their best interestes.   

[eeyore]

My opinion is if I suspected my spouse of cheating I would not let him know of my suspicions. I'd be the same wife I'd been.  I'd hire a PI.  If the PI found he was cheating and the other person was married, I'd want evidence.  Providing evidence is the only way to go.  My personal experience is the cheating spouse can always continue to lie about the situation.  The innocent spouse will always believe the cheater unless there is evidence.  And even with evidence my take back the cheater. Pictures with dates says it all. 

If I was the innocent spouse sent the pictures I'd be thankful.  I'd rather know then live the lie.  If someone came and verbally told me I'd have difficulty believing that someone. 

[Exonerated]

My feeling is that the other spouse deserves to know the truth, the exact same as I deserve to know the truth. If the other spouse found out about my spouse, I would appreciate being informed, likewise if I found out I owe the other spouse to provide the truth.

In law, we can become an accomplice to a crime, if we know about the crime and do not report it. I believe there is a higher responsibility when it comes to affairs (marital infidelity) and this responsibility requires not helping the perpetrators keep their secrets.