I feel like you all are talking me off a ledge here; thanks, I appreciate it.
kells76:
Yes, I've been reading some of your postings over the last week (side note: holy freaking
ugh. I hope SD18's trip is going well) and I remember the gist of some of your material from 2020/2021. Thank you for your reply.
It sounds like D11 is cooperative about the parenting schedule (i.e., not saying things like "can't I just go back to Mom's", or threatening to walk away, etc)?
---No issues with parenting schedule with respect to time with me. I have noticed that 4 out of 5 times, if there is a complaint about not feeling well for school, it's on Wednesday when I normally drop her off at school and then don't have her again until the weekend. I've brought up the subject of changing to a week-to-week or some other kind of schedule, but D11 says she's happy with the current setup.
Minor children, whether they can articulate it or not, seem to experience a "life and death" feeling of dependence on parents -- this is normal. Kids may not be able to describe why they do what they do, but they are so resourceful at getting needs met in unusual ways, including the most basic needs to feel accepted and cared for and "in the tribe". So again, it's not surprising to me that your D11 is "team Mom" in terms of interests
---Only somewhat. D11 and I share interests that our own things, and she has a few of her own independent interests. I do my best to let D11 know/feel that she doesn't have to be a mini-me to be accepted and loved; I just worry a lot that she's not getting that same message when she's at mom's, and what that means for her.
My H's kids are now 16 and 18 but for many years (like >10) I truly thought that SD18 would always be "team Mom and Stepdad". She began hitting her limit over the last couple of years, culminating in sharing some stuff with H and I a few weeks ago that were reportable and resulted in a CPS call and investigation. She never wants to have a relationship with Stepdad again but is struggling with deeply wanting her mom to love her. SD18 is at the point that she can call Mom's household abusive, and recognize that she wants long term therapy for herself
---Wanting parental approval and love, yup. I saw that a lot with my ex and her mom (undiagnosed, BPD queen traits) No matter what garbage the ex MIL put her daughter through, she still kept control through, in large part, the need for parental approval (and intimidation, but that's for another day).
Lots of spending time focusing on shared interests, not identities. Praising the kids for diligence, helpfulness, kindness, etc, versus praise for any kind of sociopolitical involvement. Modeling doing sacrificial things to help the community (giving time/money/items), versus superficial "help" ("I wore a bracelet", "I put a sign in the window") that costs us nothing. Non-shaming responses when the kids bring up something they don't know much about (not "how could you not know Detail about Issue X", but "that's cool you're thinking about Issue X... lots of people don't know that actually, ______").
I think our ratio of non-reactive listening to laying down the law has probably been something like 50:1. Lots of deposits in the "trust and listening" bank, few withdrawals.
---I really, really like these concepts. Like I said, I needed some perspective.
ChooseHappiness:
...it seems like you are doing everything you can to look out for your child.
---Thanks, but I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to do more if it meant guaranteeing a successful outcome.
I don't have advice, but I can tell you that my older child (14) already wants to spend majority time with me and minimal time with my xwBPD. Once children get into the teen years and start to develop agency and a stronger sense of self, they become more aware of the distortions, emotional instability and general insanity of living with a parent with BPD. My older child also spends a lot of time at friends' homes, so he sees what functioning parents are like and is able to make that comparison.
---I'm hoping for something similar. Trying to keep that sense of self preserved.
Thanks for sharing the reading list. I've read Raising Resilient Children and Stop Walking on Eggshells and found them quite useful. Do you think any of them would be appropriate for a 14-year-old? I've been wanting to find something my child could read but haven't had any luck so far.
---Whew, that's a tough one. I think a lot depends on how mature your child is and where they are in the relationship with their BPD parent. You might also have to worry about alienation claims.
A) Is there a school counselor you could ask- they would have access to all sorts of age-appropriate materials.
B) "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
might be accessible to a 14 year old, but that's not a safe bet. (If you haven't read it, though, it's worth a read. It is out of print and somewhat spendy, but a used copy off the Internet is really worth it. And I've heard there are free pdfs out there, and if you have a local library; that's another option.)
B.5) I don't really recommend "Surviving a Borderline Parent" in this situation. It's a good read for someone who is out of the FOG and has an adult perspective on relationships, but not for someone who is 14 and (likely?) still working through stages of grief.
C) You could also step back and focus on the problem from a toxic parenting perspective. If you're willing to start simple and sort of reframe BPD as an addiction to avoiding shame, there are a lot of teenager-appropriate resources that deal with having a parent with those sorts of problems. Might be a good place to start your Mental Health Book Club with your 14 year old.
ForeverDad:
... be a wise and unshakable father. You can stand up - in a validating and empowering way, positive rather than negative patterns and examples - so that life's decisions and paths are not left up to a pre-teen to stumble through
I will have her back for as long as she needs me. :-)