Just wanted to show some solidarity. This has been a core problem in my marriage as well, which has actually led to its possible breaking point. Before I learned the tools, I would just listen to the barrage of blame and insults and try to defend or explain myself. Now that I tell him I'm no longer available for that kind of behavior, I "refuse to hear" him and he feels unseen, unheard, etc. I've told him that I want to hear how he actually feels - not the negative shower of insults on me. Of course, this is the difficult part. pwBPD will do everything they can to avoid feeling their most painful feelings and will often project them onto others, who then have to do the emotional labor.

Me setting my boundaries - telling him I'm walking away, putting the phone down, or putting on noise-cancelling headphones in the car when he starts with the blame game/insult parade/rage explosion - often makes him much angrier. I've been very clear about why I'm doing it, what my boundary is, and that I'll come back when he's calmed down. But - in the meantime, it feels like it's led to even more conflict and distance between us.

I can only hope that maintaining strong and clear boundaries and reminding him why I'm setting them will eventually lead to him accepting them. Or maybe not. It seems like we are also at a crossroads.

Have you read Codependent No More? Seems like it might hold some relevant insight for you during this time.

Three weeks my world came crashing down, when some dysfunctional family dynamics occurred on my husband’s  birthday celebratory trip.
He complained to our BOD daughter that  he was very hurt that I didn’t wish him a happy birthday first thing in the morning.  He knows not to share this kind of stuff with her because she’ll go after me: She and her sister got on me, and chided me aggressively like I was a kid. Finally after a while I got mad. My BPD accused me of not listening. Then her sister told me that all three of my children are feeling estranged from me. I felt like a knife was stabbed in my heart,  The month before they gave me a wonderful Mother’s party and I felt thrilled and grateful,  Nothing happened in the meantime before the birthday trip. I cried a lot after this happened with my daughters (in private). I felt depressed and very vulnerable. Daughter #2 (not BPD) extended a nice gesture of going into town for the day, but before we left, she told me I would need to go into therapy with her for our issues to be worked out (I didn’t know we had issues). This brought back all the pain, and out of self protection I barely spoke to her, which hurt her deeply. When she expressed her feelings (hurt and  anger) I told her I wasn’t in a good place and shouldn’t have gone. I apologized profusely to her at 2 different times.  At some point BPD daughter  took up an offense against me for these things and told me she was blocking me out of her life. She has done this to me before for no discernible reason. We could be talking about the kitchen table, and she would suddenly  blow a gasket, making cruel remarks and saying she would block me.
After blocking me from communicating she started a new family chat that included all the family, including my husband)  except me and called it “Family”. She said it was because she needed space from me and the others were happy to go along with it. Btw, she loves to gossip about me with other family members and tells lies about me.
She said she wanted to go to therapy with me. When I didn’t respond within a few hours (Held  up on heavy traffic) she blocked me again and said I obviously didn’t want to go to counseling. Trying to help, I contacted her by email to ask what her goals would be in therapy, she refused to answer, and sent me a terse, cold reply.
My husband convinced her to give me a call and it was awkward. I told her I’d go to therapy with her, but I feel apprehensive. She’s very good of convincing others of the rightness of actions and judgments. She sounds believable because she is a professional with 2 master’s degree and a doctorate. My whole family (husband and kids) think I should go to therapy with her and have no boundaries.  I’m sure they will all talk about the therapy and details of it, because BPD will tell them,  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with daughter and anything I say in therapy will be misconstrued. 
I’m still sad and sometimes angry that there is a double standard going on here with BPD daughter, My family  believes her and protects  her, but it’s ok for them to tell me cruel things. And I better not react in pain - they have no empathy for me and have never apologized, whereas I’ve apologized and taken responsibility for my own actions, 
I believe part of this is my husband mentally and verbally mistreated me during much of our marriage and that is the pattern they learned.

I'd recommend:

1) See a therapist. There are behaviors on both your parts that probably could use a professional opinion.

2) Document everything you can. If you have emails, print them out and put them somewhere for safe keeping. Take screen shots of texts. If you must communicate with her in the future, do it in writing so you have a record.

3) If at all possible and the relationship is over, go no contact.

She might have CPTSD, she might have anxiety, she might have BPD. She might have a combination of issues, including being comorbid with other issues, like being a narcissist or even sociopathic.

If you are basing your opinion of her ex on what she told you, take that with a grain of salt. The ex may or may not have been the monster she described.

 Hello all, first post.

I think of myself as Autistic and pattern finding, but even -I- cannot connect these dots.

I always thought my recent ex had cPTSD, but the traits switched suddenly right at the end of the relationship. Our whole relationship was collapsing under unresolved conflicts over 5 years. She told me directly that I had wronged her, that she felt, that it was real. But whenever I asked her what it was I had done, she couldn't remember. Even after minutes of her exploding, she was oblivious to the actions that led up to it. But because she felt it, then I -must- have done something. Her ex before me was a nasty piece of work, very likely NPD, and I assumed that she was highly sensitive from trauma... But saying anything other than admitting fault, and working on myself results in "You are invalidating my feelings". I especially can't tell her "feelings aren't facts". This had continued for years before the end...

Bit more back story, she controlled the finances, and has gotten herself into a -lot- of debt. I had to ask for money like a child if I needed anything. She would stress about the state of the house stating she couldn't do anything because it overwhelmed her, but if I was busy, suddenly she could do things... After the breakup she also became magically underwhelmed. If things needed doing around the house, I did not have access to the funds to get stuff done, so she would shame me into asking for the cash to make the repairs. I got a windfall of £2500 that I requested -some- of went on repairs... And... She spent it all on a holiday... This was one of the triggers for the first of two breakups.

We're coming to the outlandish part soon.

After the breakup, she pushed and pushed with micro and passive aggressions until I lashed out and wrote her an email of criticisms. I know... You are all about to say that is one of the worst things that I could have done.

Stealing money from me
Stealing money from her son's disability
Sort your finances out
Shoddy parenting (i father 2 of 8 children here)
Wanting 85% custody when I move because she lets one of the other children (identified as low empathy/egocentric by his school) harm my biological kids.

She immediately called the nursery and told them I had threatened to abduct the kids. She told me that her mum forced her to do that, and go into the landlords to have me removed from the guarantor... But... I asked her why if I said I was moving out in the email? She couldn't answer this. I suspect lies, of course. Turned her whole family against me...

But we got back together! I even offered that we could say I would go to counselling, and actually go so she could save face. This was an epic mistake... Not only her family, but also the school and nursery staff are against me. And I am covering for her. And as we get back together, she says... "I don't want to be one of those women...", meaning an abused woman getting back with her ex! Like, what??? When I brought it up, she said that she knows I wouldn't actually abduct them... And when I said, I didn't actually say anything like that, she replies "but I felt like you would at the time", and she was justified in what she did.

That brings us to the day before my birthday and a week before the holiday she paid for with my money... (she has a history of becoming disregulated before big events). I am under the impression that all the guilt was too much for her... She drove miles away and ended it over text, stating it was the only way she could do it and feel safe. I have never even raised my voice to her once, that email was the only aggressive act against her in the entire relationship, after all the berating and infantilizing she has put me through.

I -also- find out... She was in a relationship with ChatGPT around the time of the first breakup. I kid you not. She has poured all what I assume is her FP energy into an LLM. A program that simulates the ultimate sycophantic partner...

Oh... And... I had to promise to agree to move locally and 50/50 time the children, to go on my holiday that I paid for... And I am back from a very awkward holiday...

So... My question is very simple.

What do I do next???

Thank you for reading this far

It's rough doing adulthood without a partner, or with someone so immature like that.

I heard a similar thing, regarding a later relationship I was in. 

I found a book in my (now) ex's collection about forgiving childhood abuse, and there were some very telling passages highlighted by her in it.  First red flag, I suppose, but it was already too late to get out easily (we had just moved in together).

I later had a person tell me that sometimes when a woman goes through that, in adulthood she transfers that unresolved trauma to her new partner, after it gets serious and he becomes the "man of the house" so to speak or the father figure in her household.  He becomes another persecutor in her eyes, despite being completely innocent.  That seems insane to me, to be able to confuse such very different people in your life like that, but I understand unresolved abuse and trauma like that can be very debilitating. 

Ugh, sorry you are dealing with this.

Hello group

I have joined, because I need some support to feel less alone, my older siblings behaviour is such a strain on me the thing is we are not 6 and 9, we are aged 36 and aged 39, (me being the younger sibling) but I am still stuck in a cycle with my mom and family pushing me to be more reasonable to bend backwards and to carry bursts of rages, irrational and unreasonable behaviour.

I have stepped away as the weight brought me to a place of extreme clinical depression.
It's hard to learn how to establish healthy boundaries when your family see this as disloyalty.

Her jealousy towards me has become unmanageable. don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes, I am imperfect, I have caused her hurt, but no matter how I try and be reasonable it's met with heaps of condemnation and rage. Its like we cant not work out misunderstandings like healthy adults, my families solution is for me to agree to irrational demands.

Hi notwendy,

It’s my brother’s doing not my dad’s. He’s messing with his own father because brother is angry that I’m here. It’s life with a pwBPD.