Family disfunction can be intergenerational. The hurt that Pook's mother described could have been real, as disordered families can have a designated golden child and also a scapegoat child. Whether or not a child becomes an adult with BPD is due to many factors, including the child's own resilience. The bicycle was not a single factor but it may be what Pook's mother focused on and as a child, the incident may have felt very hurtful.

It also could be how Pook's mother perceived it though her own form of writing history. If the parents had other reasons, they may not have been something a child comprehends.

I find it helpful to look at past family dynamics in order to identify patterns of behavior and our own emotional "programming" growing up. One reason dysfunction can be intergenerational is that for a child growing up in it, it's the only normal they know, so they tend to repeat it.

The information is useful as a guide for our own growth, but it isn't useful to blame it as an excuse for behaviors. A pwBPD may lack the insight to go beyond that. However, you have the opportunity to change the cycle for yourself.

The grief is a part of it- it's a process. Its OK to feel it. Sometimes the grief is felt during milestones, like a wedding. Now married, you are beginning your new stage of life with your spouse. It's a change for you and your mother as well.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings and so project them outwards- on to someone or something else. That your mother blamed your honeymoon, it wasn't about the honeymoon, it was that this event became her reason to blame on to. If not the honeymoon, or the divorce, it would be something else.

Seing this as a function of their disorder helps to make it not personal to you, even though it still feels hurftul and you have empathy for your mother. Hopefully it will give some perspective.

One example from my family is that my BPD mother blamed me for the issues between my parents when I was a teen ager (they didn't divorce but there were issues). I believed that when I went to college, my parents would be happier. That wasn't true, because- neither you or I were the cause of marital issues. We can see the absurdity of this now, but it was also hurtful to hear this. Our situations were different but the behavior pattern was similar.

The grief is real, and it's OK to allow yourself to feel it. One for the child who does not have the kind of relationship with a mother we wish we had. Another is for the parent whose disorder causes them so much emotional hurt.

However, we can not fix this for them. This is an analogy for this situation. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

Another one for me was when I took water safety classes as a teen which included some life guarding lessons. One was to never let the drowning person grab on to you. They are frantic and will pull you down under. It doesn't mean they are evil or plotting to hurt you. It means they are desperate and frantic and that is to me similar to how someone with BPD can feel. However, if they grab on to you both of you will be under the water.

Another lesson was how to get loose from the grip if they do. The lesson- do what you can- throw a life preserver or float to them, or get them in a position where they can't drag you under- help if you choose- in ways that are safe without compromising your own survival.

For some people that means not going in the water with them at all. You car n take care of your own well being.

There is a phrase BPD FOG as in Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I see two factors here.

First, distance apart typically reduces the exposure to disordered perceptions, conflict and negativity.

Second, getting married was likely perceived by her as making you more obligated to the relationship.  (It's an implied obligation similar to having children together.  The difference is that a marriage can be undone in family court, but having children is a forever link.)  So it is not surprising that it wasn't long before the discord resumes.  While her therapy may have been helpful, the reality is that therapy and some meds are helpful but not complete cures.


This too is a known pattern, being triggered by holidays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, preparing for vacation, while on vacation, almost anything and often nothing.  The logical approach (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work when dealing this a person immersed in emotional perceptions.  There are better approaches (DEARMAN, SET, BIFF, etc) as described here in topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.


It is hard to determine whether suicidal threats or attempts are actual distress or manipulation.  So it is best to call emergency services and leave the determination to those trained to assess motivations and proper services.

However, be forewarned that many threatening suicide will Deny it when police or paramedics arrive, so have witnesses or recorded proof available to counter the posturing otherwise.


You can't save other people, especially when they are impacted by acting-out disorders.  It's difficult to predict a positive outcome here with failure during years of past track record.  You may have to Accept that you tried but were again unsuccessful.  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your own emotional recovery.  Browse the topic "4.01 Grieving our losses" which is in the above link.

Also, do not discount the benefit of sessions with a local counselor or therapist who has experience dealing with BPD patterns and impacts on those around them.  The peer support here is great, but so is local counseling.

If you do end up divorcing, we have a separate board for those posts.

100% agree with this.  I also agree that boundaries can be tough to enforce.  Like mine:  "You can live with me if you are respectful, working full time and drug-free."  Why this boundary?  Because I believe that's what's needed for a peaceful living situation, one in which all adults contribute, are respectful and don't engage in abusive behaviors.  By the way, I define "working" in the broad sense, through some combination of paid work, schooling, volunteering, training, therapy, housework and/or searching for a job--you know, doing something productive for yourself or your environment.  Anyway, my pwBPD would claim she was working "really hard."  Actually, she'd start out OK, maybe working two or three shifts a week, while making a huge show of filling out applications for half an hour, and getting an online interview from time to time.  I'd think, that's not really full time, but it's better than nothing, and she got a couple interviews, so that's a gigantic plus.  To me, she was moving in the right direction (ForeverDad's "overall positive"), even if she was technically falling short of the bargain.  Nevertheless, this situation was short lived.  A few weeks later, she stopped filling out applications, and a month later, she hadn't landed any more interviews.  The hours she worked dwindled, to maybe one shift per week, or none.  Her mood soured, because she KNEW she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, and also because I think she realized that her ideal office job wouldn't just fall into her lap like she expected.  She lost her momentum, and she was slipping back into old habits, namely sleeping and napping most of the days away, when she was supposed to be working, training and/or filling out job applications.  The only reason she could sleep during daytime was because she was living with me for free.  So we had to ask her to leave.  Actually, I think she wanted us to ask her to leave, because she couldn't stand the sense of failure, AND she wanted to be able to play victim and say that she was "kicked out."  Well, she was kicked out, but it was her decision, because to stay she would have had to get a job, any job--and there were abundant HELP WANTED signs within a five-mile radius.  It was her choice, and her dad and I reacted how we said we would, when it was clear there was negative momentum.  Sure, her narrative will be different, but deep down, she knows she gave up on herself.  She just wants to blame it on me and her dad.  The good news is, that when she lives on her own, she HAS to get a job to make rent.  And she has done that, more or less.  The momentum shifted when the enablement ended!

Too often the vehement poor-me stories pwBPD are fixated upon and repeat endlessly are often unsubstantiated (lacking documented facts or verified by independent testimony) and described through subjective emotion-compromised perceptions.

I completely understand and that really resonated with me.  My mom, who was not diagnosed but definitely suffering from something, would tell the same stories throughout her life.  One that I've heard hundreds of times was how she had to work and save up to buy a bicycle, yet her parents bought one for her younger sister.  Then the bike was stolen because the little sister never took care of it, and her parents bought a 2nd bike almost immediately. 

And my mom could never let go of this- 70 years later it was still visibly painful for her to experience.

I always thought the same thing- stop focusing on a bike from decades ago.  Focus on the good stuff in your life today instead.  It's part of the illness though, always circling back to the doom and gloom.

I'll repeat what I said in my last post.  You are responsible for you, mom is responsible for mom.  You must learn to separate the two things.  Congrats on getting married!!!!

Thank you all for your time, kindness, insight and support. I’m super grateful. I think that was a bit difficult to unpack, typing on a phone and didnt want to bring in every detail for decades.

I actually did get married, and the stress towards my fiance and between my mom and I was ramping up around the shower. When she was staying with us she was having an outburst that he didn’t make her breakfast, and when my sister tried to talk to her she was saying men cause divorce and something about watching the ID channel… very offensive and hurtful. With the wedding around the corner my boundaries were weak, partially because of my fatigue and partially because I didn’t want her to miss another major life event- since that seems to be the root of all of her pain. Wedding cane, and while it wasn’t over the top she didn’t spare me much stress where she could have, however the day I got back from my honeymoon she basically said my wedding - the stress of seeing her ex in-laws that are responsible for our poor relationship in her eyes, and me being unable to console her about this because I was on my honeymoon essentially put her into a deep depression. I think it broke me a bit that I couldn’t have a wedding or honeymoon without a dark cloud over it, I told her I need time to heal which she didn’t take well.

The past 2 years had been overall a large improvement where those boundaries “I’m going to hang up” worked and weren’t pushed, so I think I got my hopes up a bit here that we were making some progress, but it all falls back to the same story, and my wedding not being an exception made me really worry for my current and future family so I am NC right now.

I think the grief is so tricky - because she is my mom, who kind of feels like my kid, and I’m grieving both of those relationships at the same time - and it’s a lot to sit with knowing this yucky sad feeling goes away if I break my boundary and brush something under the rug. But I’m tired and it isn’t just about me anymore. I think it has been hard for me to prioritize just myself, so thinking of my fiance and future family has helped me be strong. I hope I can keep it up. It is difficult to act like someone I am not, but I am getting better each day. It’s hard to say “we only talk about positive things today” because in my other relationships I have never needed to set that boundary, I’m actually the opposite, I want my loved ones to lean on me- but with it being constantly about me, my childhood and my family it’s a different situation. More than anything I pray she gets the help. She is seeing a therapist but from what I see and hear it’s not beneficial for these specific issues. I think the major grief comes in because my heart truly aches for her. I so badly want her to be able to see life through my eyes, and see how wonderful it could be, and the blessings she has. It’s so hard for me to see her living in this despair from the past for so long. I just pray she finds peace in this life. And my empathy towards this is so strong that I feel like my pain doesn’t amount in comparison at times, so I break a boundary to provide her some temporary relief.

Again, I appreciate all of your advice. I have been re-reading them all, and they have helped me through the first few days of this no contact period I am in, and I will continue to look back on these. My heart goes out to you all, these feelings are a lot to carry. It’s comforting to know I am not alone, but I do feel for you that you know what this is like. Thank you so much, again.

I saw that sort of behavior a lot in BPDxw; her pattern of trying on new identities was more akin to a kid playing "dress up."  Seemed like different needs drove the behavior, but above all else was a need for attention and adulation.  When she hit some career or educational milestone, she loved to post about it on social media with this sort of "if anyone tells you that you can't have it all, look at me as an inspiration"... and of course, she never noted that I played any part in her achievement, from paying for all the classes/fees/preparation materials for exams, to babysitting our child on weekends for months on end so she could study.  (I actually didn't mind the latter as much, because I was able to take my daughter places and relax without her mom's tantrums)

But yeah, the need to try on different personas struck me as very superficial and immature.  I remember early in our relationship having a discussion with her about her career path (we are nominally in the same profession) and when I was talking about realistic starting points for her I remember her scoffing at how "small" I thought, as she started describing the corner office in a high rise she expected to have immediately.  Like... this is someone in a new country, with a foreign education from a not-well-regarded country, no connections, no family money, no expertise or experience in the field, and she's just wrapped up in the image of how she wants to look. 

I helped get her a volunteer position, and I remember her bringing home some binders of material to review, and announcing with great flair she had "all this work to do this weekend" and then of course the binders sat there unopened for the next 48 hours, and on Sunday evening she seemed confused when I asked if she had done any of the work...

And that has largely continued in her professional career: a lot of joining things, signing up to be social chair, "networking," and jumping from job to job once the guy who hired her gets tired of her schtick.  She recently went back to school for another degree, and I was just thinking she probably took on a few $100,000 in loans to pay for it, money that would have been better spent on just about anything else.

People with BPD traits are known to endlessly resist boundaries.  And whenever we make an exception they will behave as though that exception negated the entire boundary.  So what to do?  Something not very intuitive... Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Our boundaries are what we do in response to poor behavior incidents and patterns.

Of course, expect push back.  We call them extinction bursts, determined efforts to get us to retreat back to the prior failed patterns.  Still, there will be setbacks as with any addictions, but they must be overall positive, as in the "two steps forward, one step back" variety.