Hi everyone. It’s been 6 months since discard. Can’t go no contact as gave son together. I don’t recognise my wife. Predictably a new supply from our area was lined up. She’s had him in our family home yet denies it. I know our relationship was toxic, I realise I developed codependency, she’s asked for divorce but wants to on her terms. This doesn’t work for me. I’ve told her now I’m filing but am struggling to hit button!! She has December my family. She’s often accused me of not being a real man! I believe following through and filing will allow me to take a little control over my future. She will see the loss of control as abandonment. But she’s abandoned me!! Am I right to take control? Nothing will change if not

To be honest I think your situation sounds way worse than mine!

My situation was she was just so panicked about the relationship not moving forward she did some really scary/unreasonable things. And the scary/unreasonable things made it hard for me to move forward...
I actually think that if these things hadn't happened, we both would have gotten what we wanted... That's what makes it hard. However, I have to understand these patterns existed before I was around.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this, but at least you're starting to see that "the bank must be closed".  Not because you don't want to help, but because BPDs can easily see kindness and compassion as an admission of guilt.  Your help enables reckless behavior and prevents your daughter from seeking the help she needs.

In fact, she may even be convinced that her problem is you.  BPDs will blame everyone and anyone before turning the blame to themselves.

You mentioned handing her phone numbers, resources, places to stay, etc.  But she never did anything.  Why?  Because mom would buy her a hotel room, pay her car bills and try to fix everything that she tears apart.  Why be responsible for anything if mom will swoop in and save the day?  That makes it your problem, not hers, and she prefers it that way.

My point here is simple- you can't fix anyone else in this world.  Sometimes, we can't fix ourselves.  Only your daughter can make the decision to make real change and by keeping her off the streets gives her every excuse to never do that.  It's heartbreaking and I went through this as well.  Our main job as parents is to teach right from wrong though.  If she's wrong, then stop enabling her.

I know that sounds incredibly harsh but that's the advice I was given by an amazing psychiatrist...and it saved my daughter's life.  She was homeless for awhile, made every bad decision, but we stayed distant and let her know that she was making those decisions on her own.  We'd say, "Come home anytime...as long as you'll be kind and helpful."  She refused, so we honored her poor decisions.

But from that broken, dysfunctional cycle, she ran out of excuses and finally started looking within.  At 23, she took therapy seriously and by 24, she was a different person entirely.  She now holds a job, pays her own bills, and is genuinely a much better person BECAUSE we cut her off.  Our relationship is excellent today as well.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very sorry you're going through this and I had the same experiences with my BPD daughter (who's now 26).  We knew something was very wrong early on and she seems to be a severe case, but she took therapy serious a few years back and her life has completely changed. 

Today, we are close and have a normal father/daughter relationship.  She does still have bad days (and occasionally bad weeks) but the therapy has really paid off and how she reacts to those incidents changes everything.  She will seek help in productive ways, and she's fairly quick to apologize when she crosses a line.  This is a kid who never apologized for anything the first 22 years of her life.  It's really night and day.

If I could only give you one piece of advice, it would be to stay in communication with your kid and end every conversation with something like, "I love you and I'm always here for you."  When BPD is involved, you can't say that enough. 

As a parent in your situation, I used to say, "I love you but... (but you are so mean, but you drive me crazy, but you have to change your attitude).  No matter what I said after that "but", my kid heard "I used to love you but I don't anymore.  Here's yet another reason why..."  That's the core of the illness and it's heartbreaking, so always always always be positive and direct that you love her and you're always there for her.

Please feel free to ask any questions, randomly vent, whatever you need.  You're among family now and I'm glad you came out of lurking.  =)

Hello and welcome to the family.  Hopefully it felt good to vent all of that and get it out.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation but it is a very common story here- BPDs hurting those they're closest to, then making them out to be a villain.  They do that because they get so close to one person that when things aren't perfect, they second-guess everything and feel like they've been deceived.

And they have been...by their own minds.  Nobody is perfect.

In your situation, you spoke a truth- don't lie to me.  That doesn't make you a bad person, and if that's what the relationship was based on, then you didn't actually lose anything.  He was not the person you thought he was.  And yes, all the other stories you heard about his past, those people weren't monsters either.  Your friend was/is sick and it's easier blaming others than looking within,

Don't regret your actions because you couldn't "save him" from himself.  Only he can do that, and it takes realizing there's a problem and seeking help.  If anything, you helped him potentially see that his struggles are within...that's the kindest thing you could have done for him.

Sure, because BPDs have emotionally charged lives due to mental illness.  You were never the actual problem- she just fought with you because she was struggling.  Now she's away from you but has the exact same problems...because the problem is mental illness and handling everyday life.

My daughter is also BPD and I can't tell you how often everything is going well, then suddenly there's a crisis of global proportions in her life.  But when she tells me about it, the story is something like, "One friend got mad at another friend, and now they're both mad at me because they're putting me in the middle of it.  I'd be better off dead than dealing with this stuff...."

Yet my kid can't see that she gets sucked right in and tries to play both sides with both friends.  When that backfires, and it always backfires, the situation turns on her as the bad guy.  My BPD ex-wife had/has the same challenges.  She sees it as "stuff always happens to her" instead of realizing that "she causes stuff that hurts herself and others".

Thanks, all of that does help give a much clearer picture!

Okay, let's start in the past.  BPD often stems from childhood trauma and a rough marriage/ugly divorce would fit.  Feelings of abandonment are at the core, so the person is so afraid of being neglected that they often sabotage their closest relationships (in other words, you're not abandoning me...I'm walking away so you can't do that!  But it's the same thing either way).

Does your daughter have BPD?  We're not qualified to guess either way, but we can say that there's definitely some BPD traits there so this forum would help regardless.  There's a great book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd edition" that has criteria in the front for a loose diagnosis- I'd highly recommend the read (even if you just borrow it from your local library).

So what can you do?  It's complicated since every circumstance is unique.  BPD's almost always have a favorite person that they idolize (her husband) and then many other close friends/family that they see as bad/evil.  This can flip-flop frequently...she gets mad at the husband, and suddenly her neighbor is the best person ever.  But the husband's approval of you carries so much more weight than it should if this is BPD.

While you'd love to fix everything with one phone call or visit, it probably won't happen that way since this is all on your daughter's terms.  Mentally, she has to realize there's benefit to letting you back in, so to speak.  This is often a slow process UNLESS something happens with her husband, then things can change quickly.  And I don't mean divorce or anything drastic...just an argument where she feels abandoned could completely change her perspective.

My advice would be to reach out slowly over time.  How are the kids doing?  Could we grab coffee and catch up?  Stuff like that.  Reaching out with birthday or holiday well wishes is also a good time to make contact.  Maybe she replies, maybe not, but you continue to make the effort in a positive way...just thinking about you and wanted to say hi, stuff like that.

Again, from the last post, what you don't want to do is directly talk about the past.  If it comes up in conversation, then fine, it's okay to briefly say you did the best you could in the moment.  It's okay to apologize if it's appropriate.  But remember that you're working on a relationship in 2025 and that's where the focus should be...today, next week, next month, etc.

I hope that helps, and please feel free to ask any questions.  I'm sure others will chime in soon.

Posted before finishing

You have invested a lot in the marriage and you have seen the results of that investment. The bettering board proposes this as a first attempt and perhaps in some milder cases, the situation improves enough to be manageable. As FD said, it is a continuous reassessment.

At some point, it's possible to look at the results of efforts and see how much they have helped. If the person is more severely affected and the behaviors aren't tolerable, it may be that the relationship isn't workable or has reached the limits of workable. Each person has to decide what that means for them.

Yes, we are minimal contact...and it's much better at this moment. I hope it will continue.  Our D has had really great therapy...we were super lucky with some resources we found.  Extensive DBT therapy in a variety of formats (and we certainly paid a HUGE amount for it).  She has her skills, and at this point because of her resentment and anger toward us (with expectations for apology from us), we're done.  If this were ANY other relationship but that of parent-child, I would have walked away a long time ago. It is a terrible situation to be in...SO hard.  We feel much better with the choice we have made...and a big part of it was also the younger siblings who we've been trying to shield from so much.  We haven't had any major requests made of us and our D has agreed that contact is not what she really wants.  We just contact in emergency/serious issues only.  Our daughter is in college, and we do pay for room/board, so this will get harder if she wants things from us in the future...hopefully she won't.  It's definitely NOT what I ever wanted for our family, but it is what it is.  So very hard.  Be sure that you take care of your well-being...good luck to you!!  Hang in there.