Is there any way to edit a post? I know my wall of text isn't very helpful. I was trying to get things out and I am emotional about the seeming end of my marriage.

She says I am too sensitive for her and she needs things to change. I feel unappreciated and tired of being accused terrible of terrible things when she is angry.
I'll go over to her when we are fighting and try and do a repair attempt and say hey let's not fight like this and she recoils and says don't touch me, you can touch me if you give me $100. She doesn't seem to realize how bonkers that is to say to your husband of 22 years.

Her parents told her they would maintain her lifestyle if she divorces me. She makes about $100 a week at her part time job.

I cannot talk to her about anything no matter how softly I start it up or use I statements. I read the Gottman book among other things as well.
Bringing anything up with her makes her feel criticized and I know she feels shame to really talk about anything.

It does seem like she is trying on some level but when I first talk to her about something her response goes like this. 1. That is dumb. 2. You are dumb. 3. You always have ridiculous issues. 4. I am not changing anything, I am not responsible for how you feel.
Step 5 is what is so confusing because then many times she makes a change according to what I was talking to her about. Her words and actions do not line up.

I told her this and she said words don't matter, only actions do, and my actions show I don't really love her, only my words do. I told her an example of you cannot walk into a store and tell them you are going to rob them blind, and when they get upset, you say well I didn't rob you blind, watch my actions not my words.

While I appreciate her making a change ultimately, the way she handles it causes damage to other relationships because she is clearly not on the same page as me and let's everyone know that she doesn't agree with me, she is just doing it because I am "making her". This is like malicious compliance and doesn't really solve anything.

The final years of my marriage found me facing increasing discord similar to your conflict.  My ex, egged on by her increasing feelings-over-facts perceptions, first rejected an increasing number of our acquaintances... then friends... then some relatives... then all my relatives... then me.  That is when I finally realized my marriage was imploding, she wasn't listening and I was unable to fix it.

Please note this progression.  You've progressed, probably gradually over years, to the point of your family being rejected.  Yes, appropriate boundaries are necessary.  But the typical progression to the next level could be unavoidable no matter how carefully you word your boundaries.

Have you been strategically preparing yourself, getting your legal ducks in a row in advance, accepting that the discord and conflict may very well rise.  Think and ponder how you will act and strategize, now as well as the long term.

Not that you want discord and conflict to rise, but all too often that is the natural progression (from bad to worse) when BPD-like traits and self-oriented perceptions are involved.

My S3, soon to be 4 is in a similar situation. I read the Stop Caretaking book and started placing strict boundaries specifically to protect him from Mom's horrible outbursts. Make no mistake, your children are already traumatized by the abusive behavior going on in the home. Like you, I have tried to placate my wife to minimize her outbursts in order to protect my son. However, I had a realization about two years ago that he was still hearing Mom scream at me, call me terrible names, put me down, and generally treat me like trash..even when we were in a different room. This "lightbulb moment" made me realize that the best way to protect him from experiencing even more trauma was to stand up to my wife's bullying.

In the two years since I had stood up for myself and greatly reduced my wife's bad behaviors through boundaries, the amount of trauma and bullying that I allow myself (and by extension, my son) to be exposed to has greatly diminished. This is not to say that my wife does not still try to abuse me verbally, she does. It is merely that when she starts in on me, I leave with my son. If she tries to block me from leaving or physically touches me or my son to prevent us from leaving, that is a call to the police (blocking you from leaving the house is illegal, in most states it would be considered "false imprisonment"). Your wife is ruling you through fear. This is power that you are giving her. She cannot legally stop you and the children from leaving the house.


This is not a discussion. It is a statement. "I am going to visit my sister with the kids this weekend so they can see their aunt and their cousins. We would love to have you come with us. Can you put aside your differences with her for the kid's sake? I would prefer we visit as a family, but the kids and I can go without you if you decide not to go." Prepare for her to flip out. When she flips out, try to validate if you can, and walk away with the kids when she starts getting verbally abusive.


Yes! You need to stand firm and ignore her twisted thinking! You say this is taking her agency away and that this is a horrible thing to do to a parent. What about your agency as a parent? She is taking that away and THAT is horrible! A person with a serious mental illness does not have a right to do things to the children that are harmful to them, regardless of being their parent. If your wife decided that the kids needed to eat an all-chocolate diet and you refused to let her do so, would that be taking away her agency? Yes. Would it be justified? Yes! You, as their father, have a duty to protect your children from harm. That includes their mother harming them. By preventing your kids from seeing their family, your wife is harming your children. By causing them harm, she has given up her right to have a say in this matter.

It is a very common tactic for pwBPD to use children as a tool to control or hurt the other parent. By your wife controlling where you are allowed to take your own children (with no valid reason), she is, by extension, controlling and punishing YOU. She does not realize or care that she is also hurting the children. Document this! Record it! This will be pertinent evidence against her in a custody battle should things come to that.

You say things can always get worse. From reading your list of things that she has done to you and done to you in front of the kids, it sounds very similar to what my wife was doing to me. Things cannot get much worse. They can get better, though. However, for things to get better, you need to take charge and make them better unilaterally. The Stop Caretaking book will give you all of the advice that you need to make this happen.

Stop Caretaking will help you learn how to take the power back in your relationship. Right now, your wife holds all the cards and power. This is a power imbalance that allows her to control you through FOG (Fear, Guilt, Obligation). You have power over 50% of the relationship, and you need to learn how to be assertive and take that power back. People treat us the way that we allow them to treat us. Stop allowing her to mistreat you. For me, I wanted my son to see that it is not ok for someone to bully someone else. I had to start modeling what to do to stand up for yourself when someone is mistreating you. I do not ever want him to think that how Mom treats Dad is ok or normal. I do not want him to end up developing BPD (it is highly heritable, but exposure to childhood trauma makes it much more likely to activate), and I do not want him to end up in a relationship with a person with a PD as an adult.

My wife still has her problems, but after following the advice in Stop Caretaking, those are HER problems. I no longer let them control me or our son. I no longer try to cater to her to try and stop her from blowing up. The truth is that I have no control over that anyway. Control over her dysregulation was an illusion. It is what kept me walking on eggshells. It is magical thinking. I could have been a saint, never said or done anything "wrong" and guess what? She would still blow up! Why? Because the problem is inside of her and nothing I can do will ever fix that. Fixing that is 100% on her.

Learn this mantra and repeat it to yourself. "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." This is from Al-Anon and was meant for the families of alcoholics. It also applies to the families of people with BPD. We can no more control whether or not a person with BPD dysregulates than the spouse of an alcoholic can control her drinking. What you can control is how YOU respond to HER behavior.

HurtAndTired

Thank you for replying first off all.

I've been reading BPDlovedones on reddit, searching this Cluster-B on Quora etc.

"you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course."


Yes, after we broke up in January and she mentioned getting back together with her ex-spouse, everyone around her started to distance themselves and kept their interactions to a minimum. They are not establishing any kind of emotional closeness and are trying to convey the message that they are not there for her. Because even when they were on the verge of getting married, they always had negative thoughts about this relationship and this man.

"its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history."
What you're saying is very true and something I'm aware of. Of course, there is also the statement she previously made to me that "I had to marry with him and experience this to break up completely with him", but unfortunately, as time goes by, many of the things she said lose their significance. Like she seemed me as superhero and the "one"

Actually, despite everything she has done to me and everything that has happened, I think I want to be with her again. I am aware that I am not the person who belongs to her cycle. When she decided to break up with me, she said she was always going through the same cycle, being with someone else after a breakup, and that it was wrong to be with me after her divorce. And of course, she blamed me for the end of her marriage but later on she blamed everybody around her especially her mother.

However, after she said she was breaking up with me in a long WhatsApp message, I didn't say anything to her. I just sent a message saying ‘okay, thank you.’ And I want to clarify to her that I really know if she is with her ex-spouse. Because she thinks I don't know this truth, and when she learns something about it, I believe that's why she gets surprised and then starts talking to me about Facebook ads or another business-related topic. Perhaps because I haven't responded to her in months and haven't tried to re-enter her life, which I never treat her like this way before, she may have internalized this as a fear of abandonment. Maybe what I need is a clear closure: to give her all of her things that I have, to lay out all the letters I wrote for her, and then say I'm leaving. Does this trigger her emotions? I don't know, however I know that she is curious about what surprise I planned for her on her birthday, because she mentioned it to a mutual friend. Her birthday was February 15. And all of this contact period started after she learned that i know she is back again with her ex-spouse.

Hi,
I've recently been discarded by my partner of 5 years. He has not been diagnosed with BPD but I am convinced he as many of the symptoms. The discard happened after we had recently been away on holiday and had a lovely time, his behaviour changed when we returned. My workplace had moved and he started to become paranoid, was accusing me of being different since I started the new place and if I missed a call i was asked 'who are you seeing' etc. Having experienced this before I tried to reassure him by sending him evidence of my movements and actions throughout the day which seemed to help.
Then one day (i didnt realise he was drunk) he started messaging me odd messages which unsettled me and I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn't answer me then just turned up drunk at my home behaving strangely. I tired to tell him to sleep and we'd talk the following day but he wanted to be intimate and I didn't so i told him no then he became verbally abusive and I snapped and asked him to leave he then sent me some awful abusive messages which I ignored.
I gave him space to calm down but after 2 days he blocked me on whatsapp. I emailed him a few days after and he was still mad saying id changed and basically accusing me of not being interested in him and mentioning occasions that led him to believe this (all irrational and untrue) . He then changed his story after I reassured him about the other issues to say our relationship was phony that I was only with him to fill my time. He mentioned he didn't know my family etc (he refused to meet everyone in the past until he was ready) and that meant to him we had no future and I was only using him.
My question is , is this a discard or is he likely still splitting. He's since added me back on whatsapp but ive heard nothing from him for  nearly 2 weeks now.
This is the fourth split this year alone although at one point it was happening nearly monthly (Long story) but things had improved after he had some therapy for 2 years ( with a counsellor he found himself not a specialist) . I tactfully suggested he go back to therapy but that made him worse and he accused me of avoiding blame by suggesting it was his mental health.

I'm just at a loss to know what to do. I do love him but just feel its hopeless now, he said some really awful things I feel I just cant get over but I dont know how to move on with my life or stay and try and encourage him  gently to get help if he comes back. Hes asked me before whats wrong with him, he knows deep down here is more to what he was previously diagnosed with (biploar and anxiety) but seems in denial now that he is being paranoid and overthinking.

Any advice would be gratefully received  x

you dont need bpd to explain what you can chock up to a case of human nature.

simply put, you have been chasing an emotionally unavailable person, who has what you can call "an unresolved previous relationship".

such cases tend to follow similar paths.

its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history.

you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course.

you can, however, climb onto the roller coaster, and get thrown for the ride. that is essentially what youve chosen to do, because something about it is attractive to you (presumably, part of it is the uncertainty, and part of it is the potential payoff).

trying to game out her moves in a way that sounds promising for you, is more of that. but this is a ship you are not steering, and cant steer.

with that in mind, what do you want to see happen here? do you want to be with her? do you want to step away? you can clarify these things for yourself (we can help), and when you do that, your own next steps can become a lot simpler.

She even sent this emoji head within red hearts two or three times. One night, she sent a message and deleted it. She said she was going to ask something and when I suggested she ask it then on next day, she said she couldn’t ask at that moment. As I mentioned, she has sent me messages in some form every day, and right after the break-up, she sent me a photo of the cat we had adopted for her new house after divorce. Two days ago, she said she would leave my jacket and sweater with a friend and that I could pick them up from there. She also told me she wanted her pants that I had left behind. Additionally, I had written letters expressing my feelings for her over the years, and I had prepared individual notes for each day I spent with her to give her on her birthday. I had also bought her a diamond ring that she really wanted – I sold the ring, but the certificate is still with me. Besides these, I also have many special items that belong to both of us. I want to return them to her, but I'm not sure.

Of course, she is receiving therapy, and at one point, she was even on medication, but she stopped taking it. However, in her therapy sessions, she is probably just lying because it seems like she hasn’t benefited from the therapy at all over the past two years.

I learned that she's probably a classic borderline after discovering this subreddit. All of these actions are probably part of charming, but what I’m curious about is this: Did our mutual friend mentioning that I suspected she had gotten back with her ex-husband trigger her fear of abandonment? What could her next behavior pattern be?

There is a girl (same age 34) who has been in my life since 2022. During the first six months of that year, we flirted, hung out, and had a great time. Afterward, she briefly got back with her ex-boyfriend, from whom she had been separated for a short time. They've been together for about 11 years, and from what I've heard and what she has said herself, they are in an incredibly toxic relationship. They are constantly in a cycle of breaking up and making up.

There were several instances when both her friends and she herself told me that the guy was a narcissist. A few months after we ended our flirtation in June 2022, the two of them got married. During the time they were married, I couldn't make sense of what was happening because, in light of everything I had been told, I had done my best to make great memories with this girl. After their marriage, we continued to meet and talk. By the way, their wedding date was November 2022. In May 2023, we kissed. Then, the summer passed with minimal communication. Later, between September and December 2023, our communication significantly increased, and the she decided to separate and divorce. During this period, she was entirely in contact with me. We went on vacation — yes, I know, very awful move — and she told me she just wanted to be with me. She shared everything about her previous relationship. She told me how she had been cheated on, that she had experienced mild abuse, and that her partner had never respected her. In May 2024, they fully divorced and separated.

After the separation, our relationship began. Classic borderline honeymoon period. Everything was perfect, and she kept saying that I was the chosen one for her, etc. Over time, we faced her ex-husband once. I didn’t see him, but my girlfriend saw her ex-husband with another girl. As our relationship progressed, her ex-husband began to make efforts to remind her of himself around November 2024. My girlfriend met with her ex-husband without informing me, and then she said they talked about not seeing each other again and that everything was over. They met 5 months after their divorce! Just before the New Year 2025, she told me that she wanted some time alone, saying that being in relationship with me after her divorce was wrong. On New Year's Day, I went with her and her whole family for a day trip, and the very next day, she said she needed some time to clear her mind. A week later, I told her I wanted to see her, and we met, and that "resting her head" period ended. Then, on January 20, she came to stay at my place, and again, she talked about the same issues. We slept that night, and after I woke up, I checked her WhatsApp on her computer, and yes, I caught her talking to her ex-husband. There were semi-nude photos, endearments like "my ex-husband," and conversations about whether she had someone new in her life. We argued, and she told me she didn’t think these things were an issue and that her marriage ended because of me. A few days later, we met at a mutual friend's birthday, and when I asked her if everything was really over, she said yes, we broke up. The date was January 24, 2025. We haven't seen each other since that day.

After the breakup, of course, I felt terrible due to trauma bonding. We didn’t talk for a week, but since I was in contact with her whole family, I was still getting updates. Later, she sent me a somewhat spoiled message asking how I was, but I didn’t reply. The next day, she had some questions about the things we were working on together, and I gave very brief responses. I already knew that she had gotten back with her ex-husband. Then, both her and my birthdays passed. During this time, I learned that she had told her family and friends that she was back with her ex-husband and would try again. During this time, neither her family nor anyone in her circle likes her ex-husband at all and believes that they should never be together. Even when they got married, both her family and her circle were completely against the marriage. Additionally, after she broke up with me and said she was going to get back with her ex-husband and try again, her family completely distanced themselves from her both financially and emotionally. At this point, I should mention that she is in a huge amount of debt, both to banks and to acquaintances and her family. She talked about how she is an individual, can live the way she wants, and that no one should interfere with her life. She had arguments with her family because of this, and at one point, she even applied some form of violence towards her cousin.

On her birthday, I didn’t send her a message, and she didn’t send one to me either. After that, she sent a few more messages regarding our work.

Then, March came. She always started the first conversation, and I only gave short and direct answers. After that, 15 days passed with complete no contact. We didn’t communicate at all. During this time, she asked one of our mutual friends how I was doing, etc., and this friend conveyed to her that I thought she had gotten back with her ex-husband, which upset and surprised her a lot. At this point, she had even erased from her memory the fact that I had read the WhatsApp messages with her ex-husband on her phone. She seemed to be in a black-and-white situation regarding it. Additionally, she kept asking her circle what kind of surprise I was preparing for her birthday. After this 15-day no contact phase, she started talking to me again. From March 20th until today, she has messaged me 7 out of 9 days about work, etc. She even sent this emoji

Indeed it can be very frustrating, because when she’s calm, she can be very convincing!  But she can turn on a dime, correct?  And her episodes are frequent, intense and scary, correct?  Her behavior has made her life (and yours) nearly impossible, correct?  And without all your support, you think she’d be in more trouble, maybe even dead, correct?  Her kids are hurt when they see her dysregulated, right?  That’s why BPD seems so complicated, because your daughter can appear to hold it together when she wants to or has to. But invariably she falls apart again, because she’s not getting treatment and not taking it seriously. She’s playing the victim like her life depends on it. My BPD stepdaughter did the exact same thing.