Can you be friends with your exBPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

You all know my story! I tried hard to remain friends with my exBPDbf but he wanted to take advantage of me emotionally and involve me in a triangular situation with his new girlfriend that I wanted no part of so I am now going into my second week NC. I am interested to hear from you guys out there - your stories.

Did anyone else try to stay friends with their exBPD? If so how did it work out are there any success stories out there at all?

or

Can you simply not be friends with your exBPD? What's your opinion.

I definately think you can't be friends with someone with BPD.

Butterfly

[Butterfly03]

You all know my story! I tried hard to remain friends with my exBPDbf but he wanted to take advantage of me emotionally and involve me in a triangular situation with his new girlfriend that I wanted no part of so I am now going into my second week NC. I am interested to hear from you guys out there - your stories.

Did anyone else try to stay friends with their exBPD? If so how did it work out are there any success stories out there at all?

or

Can you simply not be friends with your exBPD? What's your opinion.

I definately think you can't be friends with someone with BPD.

Butterfly

[GCD145]

Not just "no" but "no freakin' way in h&ll".

GCD145

[VB]

Why on earth would you want to be friends with them when you have got rid of them! 

[Harker]

Make a list of the qualities you would want in a friend, then tell me if that person qualifies... .

[NewStart]

You can if you want to be used like everyone else in their lives.  Sure might seem like 'hey this is great, this person still has all this energy!'  But at it's core like everything else with a BPD it is all about people serving them and they will get that energy by taking it from you.  Remember they are emotional vampires.

So, do you wanna be one of the 'hang around girls' who never moved on and are there to fill his narcissistic glass when it's becoming empty?

[PotentiallyKevin]

I tried the whole friends thing once... .we ended up getting physical soon after and then *bam* back in our twisted relationship.

Can an Alcoholic be "Just a social drinker" or "Just go to clubs and drink soda"?

More importantly, can the BPD be "Just Friends" with anyone? This is a two way relationship, they would have actually be healthy to reciprocate any constructive friendship, something that they just aren't capable of doing.

[amotherinvegas]

As someone who has a child with a BPD, I would love to hear stories about how the relationships change after they left. As much as I hate to admit it, he is an amazing father and she loves her father dearly. But I'm scared if I dont keep the peace with him, he may get violent and have to be banned from our lives. I read the article on this site titled Leaving a Partner with BPD and it was very helpful, but actual stories would be appreciated.

[VanessaG]

I got twisted in the notion of contemplating the friend thing, even when he was with the new woman.  It was not the proudest time of my life, looking back on it.

At some point he told me he didn't think he could be platonic friends with a woman, something he'd proven repeatedly, then of course wanted to keep me around as a friend.  Yes, duh,  .  So when it very quickly became obvious I was getting twisted back up in the drama I said I wanted to be no contact and referred to his statement and history with NOT being able to be friends.  Wished him well, buh-bye.

I'll admit that I'm sure I seemed like a waffling fool, but at that point, it was a wonder I wasn't drooling and banging my head against solid walls.

Whoever suggested the list of what you look for in a friend and see if they fit the bill was right on.  You will find that in no way, shape or form will this person, in their current state, have the stability and emotional fortitude to be any sort of friend to you.  At best, it will be one-sided, with them getting their bottomless emotional need filled (in part) by you. 

Listen to your head.  Your heart still wants you to have hope.  Give it some serious time with no contact and see if, in six months or so, let's say, you still want to have them as a friend.

BTDT.  Have the t-shirt.  It says you're healthier without him.

VanessaG

[theridler]

Run for the HILLS!11   

[bentknees]

I think your true friends have spoken here, so turn and don't look back!

Everytime I get around my exBPDbpw i hear a loud sucking sound... .thats my soul.

You can do it.

May the wind be at your backred-flag





Peace,

Bentknees

[Butterfly03]

Hey my friends,

Thanks for all the replies! I'll just make it clear I have no intentions of breaking my NC ever with my exBPDbf, I have moved forward positively so much in so little time without him in my world. Going back to the gym to do yoga & meditation, taking my son for laps in the local pool, starting doing karate with my son three times a week in family classes, joined the local photography club and have just enrolled to study counselling/psychology for two years for my diploma. I tried so hard to be his friend at the end but he tried to take advantage of the friendship I had offered. ie wanting to still sleep with me while having his new girlfriend (YUK   ) and asked me for a loan! It makes my head spin that there actually people like this in this world.

Butterfly

[confused01]

I tried it right after we broke up because I had second thoughts of leaving her. It was a terrible mistake. She was a different person, I was used and abused, everything was all one way. She was bitter and raged. Now that she is with someone else she wants to stay friends. There is no way. I do not advise being any kind of friend, from my experience. They don't know how to be friends. I got setback eveytime I saw her. The veterans on this board say nc is the only way out, they know what they are talking about.

[rosebud]

Not just no, but HELL NO.  In past break-ups, I've never had a problem remaining friends, could always think of something positive to say about the person... .for one reason or another it just didn't work out.  BUT this one, no way.  A friendship with my BPDxh would have manipulation and triangulation (read definition) written all over it.  That's not a good feeling and it certainly isn't friendship.


rosebud

[C12P21]

Mine has asked this of me, I think I would rather wear a tiolet plunger on my head.

C

[rosebud]

Mine has asked this of me, I think I would rather wear a tiolet plunger on my head.

C

LOL!

[man34]

no way... .they suck u right back in there emotional trap... .no friendship... .

[turtlesoup]

Well, her personality stinks, so aside from shimmy sham there doesn't seem a lot of point. 

[AnonNZ]

It depends on what you class as a friend... .

Personally, I don't want a friend I have doubts about, am watching, waiting and anticipating for the BPD behaviour to surface and constantly have to be on guard around... .

[louise12]

You can't be friends with them.  I really can empathise with you as this is raw to me at the moment.

He has new girlfriend and is still txting me expecting me to give in and sleep with him.   

Think yourself lucky you don't work with him.  I do!

[Butterfly03]

Oh gez louise12 your ex sounds like my exBPDbf. He tried the friends thing with me and expected me to still sleep with him even though he has moved on to a new girl... .how can they live like that?

Butterfly

[lieslieslies]

hi all,

NO YOU CANNOT !

3L

[Indigo Sky]

You can be a friend to them!

I dont think it is possible for them to be a friend with you!

All relations with a BPD is one way.

But being a friend to them is possible. You have to have great boundaries in place and no thoughts of being anything else but a friend. The moment you cross over from being just a friend to them to even thinking about restarting the relationship, your right back where you started from... .

Being a friend to them also means you take for granted that their lies and manipulation is part of who they are.

If you have any emotional attachment to them, I would suggest NC. I remember when just hearing her voice on the phone sent me into a tizzy, same thing happened with texting.

[theridler]

I dont think it is possible for them to be a friend with you!

I don't mean this in a moral way, but what could possibly be any good about being a friend to someone who isn't a friend of yours?  Surely maintaining that would have a terrible effect on your self esteem as well as being rather boring and draining on your personal resources... .

[Indigo Sky]

I don't mean this in a moral way, but what could possibly be any good about being a friend to someone who isn't a friend of yours?

The point I was trying to make was that you could be "friends" with your ex BPD partner. The ex BPD partner may feel they are friends with you but they treat all relationships the same.

Why would it have a terrible effect on your self esteem?

I dont think it would be boring or a drain.

Look at how many "friendships" people have with people who are not BPD... .many of them are far from perfect... .

[BrienBear]

My exBPDbf liked to fancy himself that we'd be great friends, etc etc etc. And I told him that maybe we would but... .No. Well after he recently moved out, I was like "hell no hell no hell no." I'm too angry anyway. The sight of him makes my blood boil, to think of what he's done to me and to think of how much I've been used.

I hope that goes away so I can just "move on" with my life. We'll see... .But anyway, no, I couldn't be friends with mine.

Well that and I dont think I could deal with the whole everything-is-everyone-else's-problem bullhit_.

[StillChasing]

I'm friends with a few of my exes.  Good ones, without any latent emotional badness lying in wait to ruin things.  So early into the game with my XBPGF -- after our first break-up and before I heard about BPD (nevertheless realized she fit 7 of the 9 criteria) -- I tried to be just friends with her.

We were hanging out with mutual friends, and she was apparently bothered that I was NOT trying to make the moves on her.  So she started making the moves on me; slowly, but with increasing intensity.  Before the party was over, she was literally on top of me.  Our friends left pretty much knowing that if they hadn't left when they did, we were just going to excuse ourselves anyway. 

Next thing I knew, we were in a relationship again.  She loved me.  I was the hottest guy she ever met.  Etc.  And then she dumped me again.  And then we tried the friends thing.  And then the sexual attraction kicked in again.  And so on.  I write it casually now, but only because I'm too exhausted to be anything other than apathetic.

And now?  She just married some abusive scumbag, so I'm done.  Chances are that I'll never hear from her again.  If I do?  My resolve has wavered before, but at this point, I don't think she and I will ever talk again.  A real shame.  I wanted to marry her and raise a family with her.  And now I'm blocking her e-mails.

I definately think you can't be friends with someone with BPD.

Amen, sister.

[tinkerbellz]

tried it too... .doesn't work... .soon it was back to asking for sex or money or whatever from me and STILL not taking any responsibility for what went wrong. Have to admit I did fall for the sex re-engagement once... .*sigh* ... .luckily was able to keep my sanity after.

Now I know that I have indeed finally let go and friendship would just keep rubbing the wound raw and I'd never heal. I even told her that. She needs to move on and so do I.

my heart feels lighter already.

[unknown]

be friends with an exBPD... .hmm.

all the abuse and blame but no sex... .

ill pass.

[Beast98]

Mine has tried to pull the 'lets be friends' card a number of times. My answer is always the same... .You can't have a friend because you can't be a friend.

I can be cordial, yes. I've even helped her out from time to time. But that's because I'm a somewhat selfless person and care about her, regardless of her evil deeds. It's NOT because I consider her to be a friend. Just not possible.

[anker]

My friends treat me with care and respect. They interact with compassion and talk to me about their own feelings freely.

to my friends, I am more than a way to make someone else jealous. More than a crutch. More than a sex toy.

Friendship is not what he and I would have.

I have disordered people in my life that I am friends with. Care about. But with someone with BPD the fact that you have ever been intimate makes real friendship impossible.