Painted white but insanity remains

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Saw exBPDgf yesterday. She had to take her car to my mechanic for a follow-up check. So we met at my house. While I was in my room putting on a shirt, she decided to do some exploring and read a small greeting card on my mantle that one of my female friends had gotten me. Of course she started drilling me about it and I just blew it off. After all, there's also a card from her on the same mantle.

So we leave, take the car, go out to lunch, she's affectionate as she's been lately, even when she was scolding me about the note from church Sunday. So nice lunch, and then went and walked around a nearby park while waiting for her car to be done. She said that she didn't want to go all the way back to my place to change for school so she'd probably change at the mechanic's. No problem there.

But when we picked up the car she said she had a few minutes and she'd go change at my house, meaning in front of me. I've got no problem with that either.     So we get there and she says her stomach is bothering her and she needs to use my restroom. (the guest bath has a leaky toilet so the water's turned off)  She said she was going to light a candle in there for obvious reasons and asked where the lighter was. I told her it was on the armoir just inside my bedroom door. Instead of grabbing that one, she went to get the one on the little junk tray on my dresser, where she found a small broche (pin) that someone had left behind. Immediatly she started asking questions... ."Who wears granny pins?", etc. Again I shut her down.

I told her a couple of weeks ago straight out that I was dating and that there are those that I date that I also sleep with. So in to the bathroom she goes, for quite a while. When she comes out I could see the split on her face as she starts lecturing me about condom use, asking who made my bed and other blah, blah, blah. Of course now she's changing at school. LOL. Like I care. I just said have a good class and started walking her to her car when her boss called. So back in the house I went. Then the doorbell rings and a little more of the same. She gave me a slight hug, unlike the full contact squeezes earlier and on her way she went.

Soon I got texts saying how nice it was to see me and that she looked forward to seeing me in church Sunday. Then one that said she left candles on in the bathroom. So I go in to blow them out and the weirdness goes up by a factor of 10. On my wash basin is this strip of sort of half cloth, half paper that women use, and it's covered with wiped off make-up. It was laid out perfectly in the center front of the sink. Next to that was a couple of bobby pins. My thought was that she had left that stuff for other women to find. I just chuckled and clipped the pins to the cloth and put it in my 'souvenir' drawer.

A bit later it hit me... .She doesn't wear that much make-up or pins in her hair. The fact is, while she was on the toilet, the crazy hit_ went through my damn trash can! She left an "I gotcha!" message, even though I freely admitted I'm dating. And of course remember she lives with the scumbag she left me for. And for added effect, I later saw that she'd strategically placed an empty tampon wrapper (hers) on the top of the trash.

You know, I think it'd be almost scary if it wasn't so entertaining. Then after a few texts later on, she calls me at 10:40 (a bit past my bed time) and talks for 20 minutes like nothing. Gee, you don't think she was verifying that I was alone, do you? 

[Beast98]

Saw exBPDgf yesterday. She had to take her car to my mechanic for a follow-up check. So we met at my house. While I was in my room putting on a shirt, she decided to do some exploring and read a small greeting card on my mantle that one of my female friends had gotten me. Of course she started drilling me about it and I just blew it off. After all, there's also a card from her on the same mantle.

So we leave, take the car, go out to lunch, she's affectionate as she's been lately, even when she was scolding me about the note from church Sunday. So nice lunch, and then went and walked around a nearby park while waiting for her car to be done. She said that she didn't want to go all the way back to my place to change for school so she'd probably change at the mechanic's. No problem there.

But when we picked up the car she said she had a few minutes and she'd go change at my house, meaning in front of me. I've got no problem with that either.     So we get there and she says her stomach is bothering her and she needs to use my restroom. (the guest bath has a leaky toilet so the water's turned off)  She said she was going to light a candle in there for obvious reasons and asked where the lighter was. I told her it was on the armoir just inside my bedroom door. Instead of grabbing that one, she went to get the one on the little junk tray on my dresser, where she found a small broche (pin) that someone had left behind. Immediatly she started asking questions... ."Who wears granny pins?", etc. Again I shut her down.

I told her a couple of weeks ago straight out that I was dating and that there are those that I date that I also sleep with. So in to the bathroom she goes, for quite a while. When she comes out I could see the split on her face as she starts lecturing me about condom use, asking who made my bed and other blah, blah, blah. Of course now she's changing at school. LOL. Like I care. I just said have a good class and started walking her to her car when her boss called. So back in the house I went. Then the doorbell rings and a little more of the same. She gave me a slight hug, unlike the full contact squeezes earlier and on her way she went.

Soon I got texts saying how nice it was to see me and that she looked forward to seeing me in church Sunday. Then one that said she left candles on in the bathroom. So I go in to blow them out and the weirdness goes up by a factor of 10. On my wash basin is this strip of sort of half cloth, half paper that women use, and it's covered with wiped off make-up. It was laid out perfectly in the center front of the sink. Next to that was a couple of bobby pins. My thought was that she had left that stuff for other women to find. I just chuckled and clipped the pins to the cloth and put it in my 'souvenir' drawer.

A bit later it hit me... .She doesn't wear that much make-up or pins in her hair. The fact is, while she was on the toilet, the crazy hit_ went through my damn trash can! She left an "I gotcha!" message, even though I freely admitted I'm dating. And of course remember she lives with the scumbag she left me for. And for added effect, I later saw that she'd strategically placed an empty tampon wrapper (hers) on the top of the trash.

You know, I think it'd be almost scary if it wasn't so entertaining. Then after a few texts later on, she calls me at 10:40 (a bit past my bed time) and talks for 20 minutes like nothing. Gee, you don't think she was verifying that I was alone, do you? 

[turtlesoup]

I suppose if you're no longer in love with your BPD and you don't fear violence and you are 100% sure you wont get suckered in then many of things are amusing, she would leave knickers at my house, things around is places she knows I'd only go if she were there etc.

I dont want you (as in a full on rel.) but I dont want anyone else to have u either. Its just how it goes with pwBPD i think, even if they left you they still think they got some kind of right over you.

[rosebud]

A bit later it hit me... .She doesn't wear that much make-up or pins in her hair. The fact is, while she was on the toilet, the crazy hit_ went through my damn trash can! She left an "I gotcha!" message, even though I freely admitted I'm dating. And of course remember she lives with the scumbag she left me for. And for added effect, I later saw that she'd strategically placed an empty tampon wrapper (hers) on the top of the trash.

You know, I think it'd be almost scary if it wasn't so entertaining. Then after a few texts later on, she calls me at 10:40 (a bit past my bed time) and talks for 20 minutes like nothing. Gee, you don't think she was verifying that I was alone, do you? 

Oh for the love of... .   ;p    actually, yes, that is funny in a really ridiculous kind of way!

[rosebud]

I suppose if you're no longer in love with your BPD and you don't fear violence and you are 100% sure you wont get suckered in then many of things are amusing, she would leave knickers at my house, things around is places she knows I'd only go if she were there etc.

I dont want you (as in a full on rel.) but I dont want anyone else to have u either. Its just how it goes with pwBPD i think, even if they left you they still think they got some kind of right over you.

Ick!  That's true with BPD's.  Be careful.

[ron7127]

RUN.

[goldenblunder]

The last time my wife was over, she oddly left an item of clothing on the towel rack in the bathroom.  It was a sparkly women's skirt type thing.  Something flashy.

I didn't really think anything of it until now.  When she left it there, I called her and told her that she had forgotten it.  She just said that she had changed her mind and decided not to wear it.  Well this makes no sense because she wasn't dressing up for anything at that time.  It wasn't like she was getting ready for a party and decided to wear jeans instead of that skirt.  She had just dug it out of her closet and hung it on the towel rack.  To leave her mark, I guess.

[DAS]

I told her a couple of weeks ago straight out that I was dating and that there are those that I date that I also sleep with.

I wish I could date and some of those I dated would also sleep with me... .<sigh>

But I think that I am never going to hear from my ex again so this likely wouldn't be an issue... .

[SheWasAFriendOfMine]

Hoho Turtle,

No wonder mine has gone all bonkers as I've refused to reveal my new address.  I guess she won't be leaving any "marks" at mine as she will not be finding out where I live unless she forks out for a darn good Detective.

Saw her today, and she tried her best to ignore me.  To a stranger, I'd look like a nasty piece of work, if only they knew what a lying, abusive emotional vampire she was... .

[Beast98]

I suppose if you're no longer in love with your BPD and you don't fear violence and you are 100% sure you wont get suckered in then many of things are amusing, she would leave knickers at my house, things around is places she knows I'd only go if she were there etc.

I dont want you (as in a full on rel.) but I dont want anyone else to have u either. Its just how it goes with pwBPD i think, even if they left you they still think they got some kind of right over you.

TS, that hits the nail right on the head. "I don't want you, in fact I want someone else, but I sure don't want anyone else to have you". It's really twisted logic. Another thread talked about them hiding things better. She's doing that (i.e. nearly 7 weeks painted white) but she's very easy to read. And when she left she was really upset, but strugging to play it off. She just doesn't see how irrational her thought patterns are. 

And as a side note. I AM still in love with her, admittedly. BUT (and my T applauds this) I've learned to take what she has to give that's positive and ___can the rest. I'll never be in a relationship with her again. I know very well that she has zero capacity for loyalty. That will never be acceptable to me, regardless of my feelings.

I told her a couple of weeks ago straight out that I was dating and that there are those that I date that I also sleep with.

I wish I could date and some of those I dated would also sleep with me... .<sigh>

But I think that I am never going to hear from my ex again so this likely wouldn't be an issue... .

DAS, you seem like a good dude. I've read much of what you write and I believe that you need to continue to try to grasp why women reject you. Now I'm no psych so this may be ridiculous, but have you ever thought of asking women from your past straight out why they aren't interested? You may get some honest answers to help with your personal inventory. Never know!

[KMTTP]

And why are you on the 'leaving board' if you are still with her?  confuzzled 

[Beast98]

I don't for a moment consider myself 'with' her. Nor am I trying to get her back, or even undecided. I realize there is the school of thought that says go NC or get off our board. Sorry, tried it. It doesn't work for me. If I'm a bad example, then that's what I am but I still have as much a right to post here as part of my therapy/healing as anyone else.

[KMTTP]

Funny... .did not even mention NC... .I

t just appears to me from your post that you are 'hanging' out with her... .fully engaged.  Doesn't sound like you are leaving at all... .just dating her.  IMO. 

[KMTTP]

LOL... .and no you are not a 'bad example'... .I could care less.  I do my own thing regardless of what people do on here.  I was just wondering why you would seek advice on this board... .no worries. 

[Beast98]

LOL. The answer is simple. I don't want a relationship with her. Period. But correct, I like 'hanging out' with her. I've gone back and forth a few times between boards based on where my mind was at. The fact that I'm able to enjoy what's enjoyable about her without all the rest shows how really disengaged I am. I LOVE the fact that she's surely making fugly miserable. She's certainly not doing it to me. Between Nov and Feb I didn't speak to her... .That was 3 months. And I'll do it again if she doesn't behave. But as long as she does, I get some quality time with someone I genuinely enjoy and care about.

Does that make any sense at all? If not, read some of my posts from a year ago. I was very close to having myself committed. I'm never going back there. 

[PotentiallyKevin]

Just be careful... .You are playing with fire... .

[Beast98]

Thanks Moby... .I know. But what once hurt me now ammuses me. I don't know but when she reengaged with me in February, a different beast showed up. The 10 weeks she stayed in my house and the 3 months after that brought me out of the fog. I learned from the borderline. The game... .THIS version of the game is governed by MY rules. And if I don't like something, I take my ball and go home. I clearly spot the manipulation, WHILE it's happening. So it doesn't work.

I guess it's come down to the point where she wants me in her life more than I want her in mine. She has to earn the privilage of being there... .Every day. Because this is a zero tolerance situation, that I'm actually enjoying. But at the same time, she no longer has anything I need. There is where my power lies. 

[KateCat]

I always enjoy your posts, wherever I might find them! I think you have made progress, and I think you are being as honest with yourself as you are able at this stage.

Here's the part that I don't find so persuasive:

I guess it's come down to the point where she wants me in her life more than I want her in mine. She has to earn the privilage of being there

I think I'll be more inclined to believe that the next time I hear that she provided transportation for you to get your car fixed, and then she cooked dinner for you at her house, and then she took you on a weekend vacation with your kids and bought school clothes for them because their mother didn't buy them any, and then she gave you some flowers for your room and the two of you discussed your plans for continuing education and how to fund it, and then she gave you that diamond necklace that she had been saving for just the right moment.

I do believe there's been some type of shift in your thinking. You are accepting much less abuse and exploitation. But do you see the two of you having this same relationship in five years' time? Where do you want to go from here?

[KMTTP]

I get it now... .thanks for the clarification.

[Beast98]

Kate, I don't think 5 minutes in advance, let alone 5 years. I'm taking the cool stuff as it comes. I have boundaries that never existed before... .I no longer foot the bill for anything of hers. And we alternate as to who pays for our lunches, dinners, drinks, etc.

I don't call her, ever. But lately she calls every day, generally more than once. It's just kind of cool. I know very well that it won't last. She's a psycho borderline after all. But again, I enjoy her company. I always have. Let fugly have the relationship BS. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. 

[OriginalofSpecies]

Sounds like we all dated the same girl, Is it a cool thing to hang out with them and not fall for the BS they pulled on us throught the entire relationship ? Told BPDexgf (share a 14 month old daughter) I moved forward. understood she is incapable of a relationship, cool, now I have the ability to move on and take a new chick to the Yankees home opener (I would never tell her about this, don't need her nosing thru my place time and time again, but suggested last week taking baby to the park (shes a hermit, I'm not) I take my daughter to the park, or to feed the ducks, she loves it, but never wants to go home to mommy (no Sesame Street, not much out, boring crap I put up with as her BF) She told me that she didn't want to go to the park, I said, ok, I'll take the baby for an hour then, he put phone on speaker, said you want to go with dada to park, baby got excited, phone hangs up. call back, no answer... Text her i'll be there in an hour to get baby, no response, go by her house, her bro tells me he just got home, but she must have left in a hurry because all the lights are on. Ask her next day what the story was, no answer... Tell her, listen, if you have a problem being around me, I understand, that's cool, just trying to do something nice with the baby... She said, no, I don't not want to be around you, I will when I want to, and right now I don't... .No biggie, calls me this morning, tels me baby is sickand shes taking off work, she shopping earlier in the week and was going to call me, but missed her exit and it set her off, so she didn't call... Said she's been on Effexor for a month... Just don't get what the "when I'm ready" thing means... .Your girl sounds real similiar, minus the kid... the going thru the house hit_, in my closet, garbage, who's are these (my socks)... When I'm ready... .WTH, got an opinion ? Hypothesis, should I tell her to ef off if she calls to do something or could she make me suffer ramifications in seeing my daughter

[Beast98]

Well the daughter card is dicey. Sounds to me like she's using her to ABuse you. It's unlikely that it will change anytime soon. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Have you looked into getting scheduled visitations through the courts? That may be your only recourse at this point.

I'm actually having fun with mine right now and leaving the abuse for my replacement. It appears that you're a long way from that.

Good luck and hang in there bro... .     

[OriginalofSpecies]

Thanks, fortunatley my schedule allows me to be off the 3 days she works, so I see my kid often... Just trying to be friendly to BPDex, too many stigmas with her, one of which, a bullet I truly dodged (thank you god) Genital Herpes, guess from where... Sleeping with a married guy at work... I feel bad for her, I know she does it to herself, and it's everyone elses fault... I'm just trying to be a friend, get her out, show mom and dad don't dislike one another, but daddy is not going back to mommy because daddy needs to remain stable and doesn't want to chance having to tell every women for the rest of my life that I have herps... .btw, married guy, of course abused her

[turtlesoup]

Thanks, fortunatley my schedule allows me to be off the 3 days she works, so I see my kid often... Just trying to be friendly to BPDex, too many stigmas with her, one of which, a bullet I truly dodged (thank you god) Genital Herpes, guess from where... Sleeping with a married guy at work... I feel bad for her, I know she does it to herself, and it's everyone elses fault... I'm just trying to be a friend, get her out, show mom and dad don't dislike one another, but daddy is not going back to mommy because daddy needs to remain stable and doesn't want to chance having to tell every women for the rest of my life that I have herps... .btw, married guy, of course abused her

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Initially reading the same scenarios I'd been in made me think "look, this happened to me yay" but now, it's pissing me off! Get some originality BPDers, my BPDex thought she was soo different, special and unique must have thought she'd come up with a real trump card wiping out her infidelities by blaming abusing others! Man Im so stupid.

You know what, I knew it, I knew she was hiding behind lies but she just spoke so much and made so many more problems it was just impossible to get my racket out of its cover in order to start hitting some balls across the court, i couldn't get answers because I didn't have time even to say the questions.

COULD NOT BE HAPPIER TO BE AWAY FROM HER. Night all! x

[KateCat]

Beast,

I'm worried that you don't have plans for your future, because I'm pretty sure your "ex" has plans for your future.

[letitgo]

Knowing what I know now about my exBPD/NPD, I would be afraid to be around her observing these crazy behaviours... .It would be like a psycho-thriller movie which freaks me out. 

I know what you mean about hangin out with her being fun, BUT, it will go back to crazy.  At least that's what they say on here.

Be careful

[2010]

I told her a couple of weeks ago straight out that I was dating and that there are those that I date that I also sleep with.

So, *why* are you doing favors for an ex girlfriend who doesn't think she's an ex? Why not give her the mechanic's phone number? Why go through this entire set-up and then blame her for her questions of your relationship status? You seem to be doing the things that a boyfriend would do. I dont get it. What is your relaionship to this woman? Certainly it's not an innocent bystander. What do you get out of this?

And as a side note. I AM still in love with her, admittedly. BUT (and my T applauds this) I've learned to take what she has to give that's positive and ___can the rest. I'll never be in a relationship with her again. I know very well that she has zero capacity for loyalty. That will never be acceptable to me, regardless of my feelings.

You still ARE in a relationship with her. You are helping her, doing things for her by setting up an appointment with her for "YOUR" mechanic, (believe me there are hundreds of other mechanics she could go to) YOU are still in love with her... .playing a game and blaming her for the dysfunction. When are you going to quit and take responsibility for your own actions?  ? This therapist of yours needs to re-examine the need for this - or every new relationship you begin will suffer through the interlapping of the previous one. Let her go.

[Beast98]

These reactions are expected and understood. I'd love to hate her. And I'm sure it doesn't matter that the mechanic has worked on her car since she got it, sans the 'dark time', where she got ripped off.

It may interest you to know that I still help out exw, 5 years after she left. The consumate caretaker. But what the hell? I've loved 4 women in my life and never stopped loving any of them, just decided I could no longer be in a relationship with them.

And of course, I feel like every moment I'm with her, I'm exacting revenge on fugly, wrong as that may be. I don't presume to feign rightiousness. There's a lot of that here. That's for victims. Non's are capable of some sin from time to time too. Screw it. It's fun for the time being and in the meantime, I'll keep searching for the one that will make me not want to be around her any more. She's out there somewhere.

[Interestedparty]

Kate, I don't think 5 minutes in advance, let alone 5 years. I'm taking the cool stuff as it comes. I have boundaries that never existed before... .I no longer foot the bill for anything of hers. And we alternate as to who pays for our lunches, dinners, drinks, etc.

I don't call her, ever. But lately she calls every day, generally more than once. It's just kind of cool. I know very well that it won't last. She's a psycho borderline after all. But again, I enjoy her company. I always have. Let fugly have the relationship BS. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. 

Beast98, why do you get so much pleasure from insulting your ex's new partner by insisting on calling him Fugly (isn't that a bit infantile?) but embracing, continuing to engage with and being grateful to engage with the one that actually caused MOST of the damage and hurt by playing you BOTH? That is madness!

If you have made the decision to still have her in your life then you should have the respect for her to not insult her partner. She made the choice to pick him. He is no worse than you. In fact, you two have very much in common... .Your ex! And how you both interact with her.

And of course, I feel like every moment I'm with her, I'm exacting revenge on fugly, wrong as that may be.

Your FOCUS and anger are misdirected. Her new guy was just a pawn in the game, like you.

If you were going to 'exact revenge' why isn't it directed at your ex?

[Interestedparty]

I realize there is the school of thought that says go NC or get off our board. Sorry, tried it. It doesn't work for me. If I'm a bad example, then that's what I am but I still have as much a right to post here as part of my therapy/healing as anyone else.

You know something Beast98, maybe you have forgotten, in your quest to stay engaged at some level with you ex-BPD... .but each board has a particular 'purpose' and even more important 'a particular dynamic' to help support people that are in a particular place and at a certainl level with their BPD.

For example, I cannot relate one iota to the people on the staying board because I have a different mindset and therefore the dynamics of that board and what is being posted 'grate' on me beyond belief. Also, if I posted there I would be posting from a 'LEAVE, RUN, NO CONTACT, WHY WASTE YOUR TIME BEING A CARER? BEING USED? BEING ABUSED? ETC.' mindset. This would grate the people on the staying board and I'm sure wouldn't be appreciated there and quite rightly so. Having said that, I totally respect their right to make the decision to stay with their BPD if that is where they feel need to be.

You see, the boards are NOT just about us as individuals and what we can get out of it. It is also about others as well and what we can give to them to aid and support their healing. That 'mindful' give and take is what makes the boards achieve their aim to the maximum.

People on the staying board have 'a right to heal' like anyone else. However, the leaving/disengaging board is not the best place for their 'right to heal' to be exerted. Hence, the reason why they have a separate board. If they posted on our board, their mindset and their current situation would be reflected in what they wrote and that would be 'in direct conflict' with what we, who want to disengage totally, leave our xBPD, to start 'afresh', would want to hear or represent the place in which we want to be and therefore it would not be supporting us.

I personally, do not find it inspirational or helpful to my healing to hear of someone actively 'embracing engaging' (as opposed to fighting against engaging and even failing  :'( which we have all done) with their BPD and then bringing the 'predictable' negative results of that engagement to tell me. I already know! It is the precise reason why I chose to disengage and why I am on this specific board because I want to be with like-minded people.

Nor is it about actively 'hating' our xBPD or trying to get others to hate their xBPD either. The severe pain we encountered was in part due to the deep feelings we felt we had for our xBPD.

The heart of this particular board, is constantly stating, 'despite all that I feel, I have to disengage completely because it is not at all healthy for me to do otherwise'... .

If the dynamics of your of 'disengagement' has brought out a reaction on this board then maybe that is a 'caring and supportive' red flag   for you to go away, put aside the 'denial' and continue doing some more internal work on yourself to move you forward from where you are.

You know, I think it'd be almost scary if it wasn't so entertaining. Then after a few texts later on, she calls me at 10:40 (a bit past my bed time) and talks for 20 minutes like nothing. Gee, you don't think she was verifying that I was alone, do you?  rolleyes

Beast98, it sounds like you get a lot of your validation from having her in your life. Are you sure there are not co-dependency issues lurking, still needing to be dealt with?

[SoMuchPain]

I realize there is the school of thought that says go NC or get off our board. Sorry, tried it. It doesn't work for me. If I'm a bad example, then that's what I am but I still have as much a right to post here as part of my therapy/healing as anyone else.

You know something Beast98, maybe you have forgotten, in your quest to stay engaged at some level with you ex-BPD... .but each board has a particular 'purpose' and even more important 'a particular dynamic' to help support people that are in a particular place and at a certainl level with their BPD.

For example, I cannot relate one iota to the people on the staying board because I have a different mindset and therefore the dynamics of that board and what is being posted 'grate' on me beyond belief. Also, if I posted there I would be posting from a 'LEAVE, RUN, NO CONTACT, WHY WASTE YOUR TIME BEING A CARER? BEING USED? BEING ABUSED? ETC.' mindset. This would grate the people on the staying board and I'm sure wouldn't be appreciated there and quite rightly so. Having said that, I totally respect their right to make the decision to stay with their BPD if that is where they feel need to be.

You see, the boards are NOT just about us as individuals and what we can get out of it. It is also about others as well and what we can give to them to aid and support their healing. That 'mindful' give and take is what makes the boards achieve their aim to the maximum.

People on the staying board have 'a right to heal' like anyone else. However, the leaving/disengaging board is not the best place for their 'right to heal' to be exerted. Hence, the reason why they have a separate board. If they posted on our board, their mindset and their current situation would be reflected in what they wrote and that would be 'in direct conflict' with what we, who want to disengage totally, leave our xBPD, to start 'afresh', would want to hear or represent the place in which we want to be and therefore it would not be supporting us.

I personally, do not find it inspirational or helpful to my healing to hear of someone actively 'embracing engaging' (as opposed to fighting against engaging and even failing  :'( which we have all done) with their BPD and then bringing the 'predictable' negative results of that engagement to tell me. I already know! It is the precise reason why I chose to disengage and why I am on this specific board because I want to be with like-minded people.

Nor is it about actively 'hating' our xBPD or trying to get others to hate their xBPD either. The severe pain we encountered was in part due to the deep feelings we felt we had for our xBPD.

The heart of this particular board, is constantly stating, 'despite all that I feel, I have to disengage completely because it is not at all healthy for me to do otherwise'... .

If the dynamics of your of 'disengagement' has brought out a reaction on this board then maybe that is a 'caring and supportive' red flag   for you to go away, put aside the 'denial' and continue doing some more internal work on yourself to move you forward from where you are.

You know, I think it'd be almost scary if it wasn't so entertaining. Then after a few texts later on, she calls me at 10:40 (a bit past my bed time) and talks for 20 minutes like nothing. Gee, you don't think she was verifying that I was alone, do you?  rolleyes

Beast98, it sounds like you get a lot of your validation from having her in your life. Are you sure there are not co-dependency issues lurking, still needing to be dealt with?

i agree a lot with this entire post.  partly because i see a lot of myself in beast ... .i know if my ex was trying to engage me, i would go along, because i actually get a kick out of having her in my life ... .a sick, twisted kick, but a kick nonetheless.  anytime im on the leaving board, it's mainly because SHE has gone NC on ME, and i really have no choice but to deal with it.  anytime she re-engages, i do go back to the staying board.  i think i am now at a point where i think she is fully done messing with me, and i am fully done expecting anything good from her anyway. 

but yeah beast, regardless of if you are actually in a "relationship" with her, it still is a relationship ... .a friendship.  i dunno.  when i was doing this, i found the staying board to be more helpful and receptive.  the staying board is actually a pretty pessimistic, downer board too.  (go figure).