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Author Topic: Post HERE instead of breaking NC  (Read 1201 times)
ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #60 on: November 15, 2010, 06:49:54 AM »

I need to post today.


C,

Well, you're making a fool of yourself on the modeling forums. I had to go in there this weekend and saw your posts in the local thread. Posting pictures of your new couch. Of you at the meet and greet. Talking about the new things you're getting yourself. Maybe your rich, married sugar daddy of a boss is buying some of it for you. Maybe you're just racking up more debt. Spend spend spend. Gotta fill those holes somehow, huh?

Enjoy your empty shell of a life. Put on some more makeup. Get that hair done. Talk about implants. Buy those new shoes. Get that new dress. Slut yourself around. Whore yourself out. It's what you know. It's what you are. Broken.

A
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Goose
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« Reply #61 on: November 15, 2010, 07:12:46 AM »

Good day X.

I have all this hurt and sadness which over the last weeks has bottled up and now I'm so angry at you it makes me cry. I can't believe the deceit and the lies that you had me go through. When you pretended to be all those "friends" of mine over the net - did you get off on it or what did you get from it? You are the perfect lier, I could almost imagine you having split personalities cause you played these parts so perfectly. And I blind with love and denial couldn't see it through, it took me 1½ week out of FOG to see it, and it was so damn clear - my friends could see it at once when I showed them all the hit_ that happened. Like the time when this one guy was hitting on me over the net and I told him off and then told you what he'd say in response. You became furious and said you'd kill him, then later sent me a picture over the phone of something red; I couldn't tell what it was but you said it was the guys genitalia, you made me promise to never ever tell anyone. Why the HELL didn't I leave you then - I HATE violence but I was so enmeshed with you I barely flinched. You make me afraid of myself. You created this whole and well-orchestrated world of lies. Can't believe how naive I've been, ironically you told me that I attract weird freaks - a freakmagnet. Well yeah, I attracted you. You hurt me and broke me down from the start. Master of manipulation;I do hope no-one else ever has to suffer you. You are like a disease of the mind, my mind and I will not have you in there anymore. I sure have my damn faults but compared to you I did something about it, I went into T and I did what I could and I'm a person to be proud of. What did you do? Nothing, you wasted my god damn time. Much talk and no action is all I could ever expect from you. I will never ever idolize another person and trust them so blindly you could actually think I am the mad one. So many too good to be true incidents but I wanted so much to believe you were real, but you're not. Tell me again that you love me and I will cry for you - love is actions, not words. You never loved me, maybe in some sick and twisted way but I want nothing of it. Out of my god damn mind you sick sick sick man.

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lostoc
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« Reply #62 on: November 16, 2010, 10:48:54 AM »

Why? Why did you do this? Why did you take a guy who gave you everything and beat him down? Why did you take advantage of his good qualities and begin to sour them?

I hate how you haven't apologized for anything. You act upset and you said "I want to be with you and I will change." but you proved you can't because you won't even acknowledge you were 100% at fault for the relationship falling apart.

I did nothing but provide, love and nurture you. So much so I became your father at the end. I paid for your education you will never use. I gave you a great place to live, new cars to drive and I ALWAYS did things to make you happy and make you feel wanted. But that was never enough. For some reason you were bent on making my life hit_.

Now as I try to heal I find myself sleeping alone longing for that warm contact you provided... .but the empty promises that held me close sting me. I feel so sad sometimes knowing I poured everything into you and there was no payoff. Just an empty, cold bed and house.

I don't think I can forgive you. But I can move on and be at peace with the future holding so much potential for a person like me.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #63 on: November 17, 2010, 12:30:22 PM »

C,

I would love that apology from you. For you to take responsibility for what you did. Admit to me that keeping your "past r/s" with your boss was wrong. That this r/s with him went on at some point when we were together. Admit it. Admit to me that you cheated. Admit that your lies were wrong. After five years of loving you and taking care of you, don't I deserve that?

Oh wait. I forgot I am not dealing with a normal, stable person. I forgot that you don't have empathy or remorse. No conscience. No sense of right or wrong. You are forever a victim while you claim you are so strong and independent. What a joke. Yes, you are so independent when you cry on the shoulder of your married boss for money, landscaping, sprinklers, shoes, etc. So strong when you spread your legs and get on your knees for material things. For security. What a hit_ing psycho you are. How pathetic. You go behind my back. You lied to me. What the hit_ is wrong with you? Oh yeah. You're a borderline. You will always be like this.

You always used to say to people (to make fun of them), you can't hide the crazy forever. You still say this to people. Talk about projection and transference.

Enjoy your old man boss' balls. Enjoy being a whore. Enjoy all the shame you have inside deep down. We both know it's there. We both know you don't like yourself. I don't like you either. I have no respect for you. You have none for yourself. A fake. A phony. A lying hit_. A disturbed person who is toxic. Contentment, integrity and morals have no meaning for you.

Trust me, when I find that special girl again, she will be real. She will be prettier than you. Sexier than you. Intimate with me. And she will be My kitty. Not you. Not ever. Not anymore.

A
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Marissa

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« Reply #64 on: November 17, 2010, 03:56:07 PM »

Wow... .I wish I would have seen this topic today before picking up the phone!

I thought for some STRANGE reason to call my BPD mom after going N/C for a month. She simply heard my voice and hung up.

Well... .the improvement on my part is that I did NOT call back like I usually do.

It still feels icky. I don't know what I really expected from the call. But this would have been my first call since discovering my mom is BPD clinically. I always thought something was wrong... .but did not know what.

So... .silly me... I thought I would try a phone call with boundaries and obviosly not mention her mental illness since that would trigger negative responses.

No such luck

Well, I guess my BPD mom is still raging over our last visit when she dropped the bomb on me that I had an older sister. I did not get any support from my mom and searched within our family for answers which according to her broke our code of secrecy. Secrets and lies are really a BIG thing in dysfunctional BPD families. My mom did not take calls from me after I met my Other sister which forced me to call my dad and ask him questions about the birth of this sister which was before me. My mom hates my dad and expects everybody in the family to divorce him... .she does this with everybody. Why am I surprised or bothered by this if it is always the same?
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CVA
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« Reply #65 on: November 17, 2010, 04:34:55 PM »

My turn

You are so damn lucky i have not posted your calcualted letter that i found to your dad in your sent box... .the true you and your plan, of how to gaing leverage aganst me in courts, and how you were going to drag things our and , string me along... and such... ad you did you tried... you sure did,  coming back into my life and feeding my mind  with roses all the while toally capable and plottting a way to ruin me and to keep me in your chaos... .pure evil i tell ya...  you almost had me trapped.

I so so wanted to blow you out of the water with this in court... and all your other lies,, and of deception... .you are so so lucky... i could ruin. you and ,, but this is not the man i am... trust me it took alot,,  so you go on and paint your pisture you need, to, charm all those around you... it makes me sick and others that have known you and warned me about you in the begiining, but they knew. i woud not listen, and i was in love... or something...


but now its over,. im free... . damn you are so lucky... just this one post would ruin you... but i dnt want to ruin you,,the truth will find its way...  

I have prayed for the best of you... .oh how you have flipped the script on me,, Its funny, how fast i feel i am accelrating in the past few days since the closure of our divorce. how free i feel... .like a ton of bricks... .for some odd reason i culd handle you not being legally bound to you... knwoing i could leave anytime  i needed. and not fear, you becoming evil and me going from black to white, and worried what you might try... or the fear of me ending up in jail... .

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #66 on: November 19, 2010, 06:46:17 AM »

C,

Well, three months now. Is this the life you wanted? I am sure it isn't. Who knows? Maybe it is. You go through life lying, manipulating and using. Do you even realize you do it? You craving for attachment - security, safety is so great, you latch onto people and use them. When they outlive their purpose, they're gone. Just as I outlived my purpose. Of course you deleted your modeling portfolios for now. I was connected to your modeling in a big way. It helped define what we were: Artist and muse. You don't know who you are. You have no real identity.

The holidays are approaching and I can honestly say I'll miss you. I will. I looked forward to having Thanksgiving with your family. The two of us getting up early for Black Friday. Just being together, shopping, laughing, having fun. But, it was not the real you, was it? There were times I was with you and you were cheating. You lied the entire five years about your boss. You hurt me. You betrayed me. And all of the holiday feelings, all of the warm times, all of the fun is not worth it if I cannot trust you. Knowing what you are. Empty. Shallow. Self absorbed. Selfish. Not really there.

A
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #67 on: November 19, 2010, 11:09:35 AM »

You really tainted so much for me.

I have no more trust

A warped view of humanity

Relationship suddenly became a dirty word

Walking around John's Pass XMas time is now disgusting to me

Thinking that at some point, you were with him before seeing me

Spending Thanksgiving with your family

Black Friday shopping

Tainted to me now

Were you shopping with money you got from him

Going for pizza

Playing poker

Sex

Shopping

Halloween parties

Disney trips

Universal trips

Family time with my daughter

Our dogs playing together

All tainted

Ruined

Because of you

Why do you have to be so messed up

Why are you a borderline

Why is it that I was not enough

That no one or nothing is ever enough

Dammit
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #68 on: November 25, 2010, 08:21:29 AM »

C,

Well, it's Thanksgiving. I would normally be getting my daughter and driving to your Mom's for the weekend. We would have had dinner at your mom's or grandmother's, then make our plans for tomorrow, Black Friday. Tomorrow we would be up at 4am, off to the stores. Exhausted by early afternoon, have lunch, go back and collapse for a nap. Then more family time. I actually liked it. I do not have any happy Thanksgiving memories from my life with the exception of the ones I spent with you. Sad, but true.

But, it is what it is.

This is who you are. Your lies have been exposed. Your r/s with your boss has been exposed. You lied. You cheated. You lied more. You covered it up. You put the blame on me. You justified it all. I have been replaced.

Good thing, huh? Imagine if I would have been in this fog forever. A life of loving someone not there. A life of having my so called love lie and cheat on me like I was a fool. A life where her own mother probably knew of her daughter's antics and looked the other way.

You claim you're so happy now. Your long lost brother is back to visit. You are so happy in life now. I doubt it. You are the same girl who hates herself and lies to herself (and everyone around her). Disgusting. Pathetic. Sad.

I don't feel sorry for you anymore. I feel sorry for me for having put up with you and your lies.

A
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Blwnaway

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« Reply #69 on: November 25, 2010, 11:40:45 AM »

How can I love you and hate you so much at the same time?  Why did you have to be such a miserable hit_?  After everything I gave to you, how can you perceive it all to be worthless?  Why the hell couldn't you fight for us to work the way that I did?  Why did you take a happy, optimistic, confident guy and turn him in to what I am today?  WHY COULD YOU NEVER ACCEPT BLAME FOR ANYTHING?  Why did it always have to be MY fault, when you KNEW it wasn't?  Why did you take days that started out so happy and turn them into absolutely HORRIBLE memories?  Why couldn't you understand how much I loved you and taken solace in that?  Why was it so F*$(ING hard for you to feel empathy, compassion, and love?

Why did you tell me that when we first met, you were a very affectionate woman?  Why did I only feel that for the first six months?  Why did you feel the need to suck me into that godforsaken black hole with you?  Why would you not get help when I was so understanding and wanted to do nothing but be by your side the whole way?  Why are you always so GOD DAMN argumentative and rigid?  Why can't you see the happy things in life?  Why do you have to continue to dwell on what 'could' happen?  At times, we thought it was cute when I called you "Henny Penny' because you always thought the sky was falling, but it's so clearly sad now.  You have such a horrible life and can't see the forest for the trees.  You left me no choice but to leave.  I couldn't take your crap anymore.

I want you to know that I am ALREADY stronger.  I want you to know that I WILL be fine.  I want you to know that I WILL be happy.  I would like to remind you that I don't need to be with somebody beautiful.  I want to be with somebody who is attractive to me in every way.  For the last two and a half years, the only way that you were attractive to me was in a physical sense.  I used to watch you sleep early on and have such fond thoughts.  In the last two and a half years, I would watch you sleep and feel no fondness, mainly just resentment for the hit_ lying in bed beside me.  Yes, that was you, the most selfish hit_ I have ever met.  I truly regret the day we met.  I truly regret speaking to you when you approached me that day.  All that immediate connection we had?  Total, utter, complete bulllhit_.  And NOW I know how artificial our relationship always was.  I gave you three of the best years of my life.  How foolish was I?  But you know what, somebody great is going to get the rest.  And you?  You're going to waste away and die alone.  Sure, you'll have tons of guys around that will stroke your ego and want to do nothing but F#$K you.  Have fun with that.  They won't want you for what I wanted you for.  You had a true, sincere, genuine guy who loved you to death and would stand by your side forever, but you blew it.  You WILL regret that someday.  I know you will.  And I will have the last laugh when that day comes... .
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CVA
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« Reply #70 on: November 25, 2010, 01:52:08 PM »

Im sad, and angry at the same time, Im with friends and thier family and wives and really missing you,, I know you are right down the steet somehwere here in this town, where we got married andi wanted us to have or lives... \

But no,, your hit_ing lies, the hurt you caused,  the abandonement you gave to my heart... .I too was a confident hppy go lucky guy with the world to offer,  and you have attempted to ruin me,,I hate that i still think of you, and just ruly dnt understand how after everythin i gave and put up with and endured for the sake of our marriage , how it could just end like this,, I had to get away from you,, the more i styed with you the more lies i would discover. how you would twist things and how i was a pawn in your manipulation... .So many people told me you were manipultauing me , i did not believe them... .you used friends in my circle to gain favor, and manipulated them into thinking you were such a special woamn and totally fooled them,, making me out to be some insensitvie jerk,, I lost friends cuz of you,, as for you tainted them... .They were not lofe long friends, who truly know me well, but new friends i enjoyed and was beginning to enjoy in my life... and you ruined that... you smeared my name in church... .you runied my relationship with your family, and father,, telling them i was abusive to you and hitting you... .such BS... .you said you would change and how sorry you wwere and came back into my mife and said you wanted to be a wife, and i let you back n only to be shortly , abused, demascualted, and treated so awful, and attacked of my character, maseterfully playing again, people of the church against me,...   my new beginning i was making for myself without you, and i shared it with you believeing in you, yt again,. and poof a big fricking blow up in my face... see you totally masterful in your crafty work...   amking me out to lok like the one wiht mental illeness when i was so heartbroeken and devestated by the horrid ways you would destroy us...   the push the pull,, the cold sex. the lies,,

I left you,, when i still loved you,, from the woman i thought i totally married,, i guess i was still in the honeymoon phase... .and at times,, while here amongst friends, that i turly wanted to share with you... .I cannot, and i hate that i miss you,,  having thoughts that somehow we could be happy,  and that now you have a job and a career that somehoe everyhting will be different,, because you always wanted me to believe it was some outer event or issues that was causing you to treat me the way you were... and i was so naive believeing in you,, because there always seemd to be a hint of truth in what you were saying,. 

I ahte i still cry for you,, even today,, sitting around the campfire and with some of my oldest friends that you never met and i wanted to share,, and i am alone,, wondering what you are doing... knwoing you are close... and have invaded my new town... why,  why the hit_ are you still here... .go away... .  how in the helll did you become a autistic specialist for the city... .how the hell do you do this,. I am sure there are tons of guys wanting you,, becuase you are so very beautiful,, i always admired your very natural beauty... and we could never go anywhwere without someone giving you a complimant,. so i know, you are probably not thinking of me today, and i hate that my heart stilll loves you. 

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JWS
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« Reply #71 on: November 25, 2010, 03:02:21 PM »

Dear P,

I think of you on this day because of the huge lie you had me believing about last Thanksgiving. This one is way different. I know the truth now. Because i know the truth i write this.

I forgive you.

I accept what i brought to the relationship. I accept that I wasn't what you envisioned me to be. I accept I couldn't be what you wanted. I accept that my own issues played right into our relationship dynamic. I accept my part in this and I forgive myself.

I feel sorry for you. I would hate to live that life. I cannot imagine what it must be like to grow up in your situation with your father leaving you at such an important age. I feel bad that your mother passed away early on. I feel bad that you have no contact with your sister. I feel bad that all that you told me was twisted and made you appear the victim. That played perfectly though with my rescuer and caretaking codependency. I feel bad that I played that part in your life. I truly am sorry you are the eternal victim.

I'm sorry that I allowed myself to behave in reaction to you instead of interacting with you. I am ashamed of how I reacted when i know myself better than that and that i let my boundaries be crossed. I'm sorry because that just fed your mindset more. I'm sorry that when you told me your the boss of me I didn't stand up to you and tell you to piss off. I thought you were being cute I didn't at the time realize you really believed it. I'm sorry that I let you behave the way you did with me. I should have walked a long time ago.

It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful that we are not together anymore because I wouldn't be able to witness your approach to life, family, friends and me. I am thankful you have found someone else and i really do hope that he is your magic cure. You deserve a life better than what you have carved out through your tribulations. I forgive the way you blamed me for everything, i forgive you couldn't control your sexual desires and felt the need to sleep with other men. I forgive the fact that you suffer from your black and white thinking. i forgive the fact that you have no emotional regulation and everything is blown out of proportion. I forgive the fact you blew our social circle apart and alienated many of our friends. I forgive the fact that there is no gray area that is quite a comfortable place to be sometimes. I forgive that you have the emotional reactions of a four year old. I forgive the fact you laid that all upon me. I forgive the fact that i was your personal Jesus Christ. I forgive the fact that you made me pay for the sins of your father, your 3 ex husbands, and all the other men you have vilified in your life to me, and your vilification of me. I forgive the fact that you have to live in a victim role that must be a very hard place to maintain. I forgive the fact that you cannot see that your life is the way it is because you can't see what you contribute to it. I'm sorry that your life circumstances set the groundwork for your dysfunction it wasn't your fault. But your 41 now. I forgive the fact that the mask you wore was to hide who you really are. I would have accepted you regardless. However, I forgive you for pretending to be someone you really weren't.

I forgive you. I will always love you and have a special place in my heart just not my head. I will never see you again. i will never be your friend, I will never forget what you put us through. But i do forgive you with love.

I wish you the best this Thanksgiving and going forward. I hope that your life turns out to be the magical make believe life you dream of. Unfortunately that takes a lot of personal work that you lack the intestinal fortitude to do. I know that God forgives you for that and so do I. Your just not strong enough. It's ok. It's your life to live as you choose. I'm sorry I didn't fit in it. I am also very grateful i didn't.

I miss you, I love you I forgive you, and I release you.

G
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movinforward89
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« Reply #72 on: November 25, 2010, 04:56:26 PM »

I ask myself the same thing. However, I know that one more recycle would be certain death to me. I would lose everything and everyone. The price is just too high.

I know. I feel if I EVER took her back I would lose my

Health

Self esteem

dignity

self worth

friends

In essence Myself.

Yep!  Me too!  I have friends that, bless their hearts, STILL listen to me go on and on - beating the dead horse, but I wonder when they're gonna cut me off! 

I have gone as far as handing my cell phone over to someone for a few days.  I don't have a house phone, and I work in an environment where there are multiple phones to reach me, so I've actually unplugged my office phone.  If I get an email from him, I delete it before I read it.  If I get a voice mail from him on my phone, I delete it before I have any chance to listen to it.  I have him blocked from texting me - both ingoing and outgoing texts which is great if you slip up and drunk text one night.

Speaking of drunk texting, I stopped drinking for now - not that I was an alcoholic, but I sure drank a lot when I was with him and gained weight, too.  I also had to stop hanging out with his alcoholic friends, who are all losers.  They loved me, but they're losers. 

The biggest thing of all for me is GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.  I would cry, text, call, text, call, cry, text, call, etc... .when I was tired more than anything.  Turn your phone off at night, take naps when you can - it's really helped me. 

This is a great idea though - a place to vent here before breaking NC.  Thanks!
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cmk
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« Reply #73 on: November 26, 2010, 03:43:07 AM »

Goodbye R,

You are getting married tomorrow to a woman you have known for 9 months. You wanted that with me once, and I wanted it as well, although you didn't believe it. I don't know who you are. You have been so many people in the 2 1/2 yrs I have known you.

I hope you and your bride have some happiness together before your sickness ruins it all. One thing I do know- I truly loved you. All of you and all your masks. With all my being. You didn't appreciate that and that makes me sad.

Goodbye and I will always love you.
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livejim56
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« Reply #74 on: November 26, 2010, 05:04:22 AM »

I need to join this post also- I keep brealing Nc and all it does is hurt and destroy me, I am losing myself, it has been almots 3 years- I have ousted most of my friends and given up most hobbies, gotta get that back.

MOst times I wait for her to come over or call and she seldom comes over, but at times she will call ever hour sometimes more
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CVA
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« Reply #75 on: November 26, 2010, 02:19:17 PM »

Made it past yesterday. I guess seeing all my old friends and new couples in love really had a sadend affect on me. It sparked more grief in me. Made me miss you, as for being newly weds you would think we would spend a holiday together, you were not here last year neither when you decided to take off, so this is the second year i have missed you...

I wonder if you think of me... or am i still painted black?

I have a sense that i will never here from you again... ever... I think you truly hav moved on and i am blacker than black this time around... as for this time i left you, and knwoing your abandoment issues, i truly hurt you and became your worst fear... But i know you were contantly pushing me to this point to see if i would do as your father has done to you,, and i became your self fulfilled prophecy.

This is truly not what i wanted to do but had no other choice, as for i was dying. my spirit was dying. and i was not equipped to fix you, and or to have the strenght to continue on any longer...

It hurt like hell to leave you,, knwoing my heart was breaking, and knwoing that you did not see it coming, as for i beenw in ways wrapped around your finger, so you thought, and totally taken for granted...

I now am in the town where we got marrried and shared many wonderful memories... I shared this treasue with you, knowng that any wife would love it here, for the community is awesome and the way the town hearts beats and all the liberal arts and natural food stores aare bountifull.  including the natural resources and amazing outdoor activivites...

There is now wonder you have not left here... its what i knew you needed and wshed for to bless our marriage. to be the most awesome and amazinf husband and woman could ever ask for... But you killed it...

and took it for yourself... yesterday was tough. but i am better now. i feel like i can walk boldy here now and not really worry about seeing you or who you miht be with... I loved you truly, and you may never know that... if you are in a good place its becuase of the love i had for you and the road i paved for you to have the dreams you so desired... you see , i listend to your heart, and took note of the things that you cherished.  without you knwoing my heart paved the road for you.  but you will never know this. you see it as your own works and foxy. ways.

Fine you took over my church, my dance halls, my dream for us. and yes you are probably right another man will be taking my place, and reaping my rewards as you have so deliberatly have pierced into my soul.  But i know this i have been truly the best man you have ever had in your life.  Im sorry to have had to leave you, the way i did,, but you neevr cherished me. you dnt know how to love me. I have cried and cried, and cursed the things i belived in... i truly thought i could save you, i could fix you, that the love i had in my heart would restore you, and be the love of your life as you once thought of me as... too quicly be the worst thing in your life,, to be kicked to the curb. and not even given the chance to be spoken with.

Today, i am better than i have been in weeks,, yes i dovrced you, you never even showed up to the court date...

I have felt guilty, because i thought i was leaving a little girl stranded... but that has seem to be some facade also, as for now i am gone, and you are soaring like a eagle so you lead others to belive, and maybe you are,, but its not that poor little helpless girl that you portrayed to me to manipulate me woth your ways... to suck the spirit and life out of me... .

I wish you well, F... i free myself of you, i am getting better... others are interested in me already... sounds so vain. but they see the goodness in me, and now i see the FOG has been lifting, you were the most beutiful woman i ever spent time with physically, i still think so, but beuaty runs skin deep... You have truly hurt me the worst. and like others i see where my rescue issues and knight in shiny armor issues worked welll with your dysfunction...

I love, you, and my heart is letting go...
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livejim56
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« Reply #76 on: November 27, 2010, 01:28:56 AM »

posting again, more of the same, except she is calling my work now, mo problems as it is a holdiday and only me and one other pefrson are her.

I really think the only hope for my situation will be a leagl one
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Benny
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« Reply #77 on: November 27, 2010, 03:42:29 AM »

I know that being able to vent,say what you always wanted to say is important but is saying it on this thread,this forum, really achieving anything?

Its good to get it out there but if the pwBPD is not standing in front of you,listening,reacting, then whats the point?

You might as well be sitting on the toilet talking to the back of the toilet door for all the good it does... .then again the toilet door would probably give you more feedback thats makes sense than your ex ever will!

Your not talking to them,your talking to yourselves and wasting time and energy,time and energy you should be spending on yourselves, imho.
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2010
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« Reply #78 on: November 27, 2010, 04:37:20 AM »

Excerpt
if the pwBPD is not standing in front of you,listening,reacting, then whats the point?

No contact.
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