what is residential treatment center

thank you - we have those here but they are hard to get into - and they have zero tolerance to violent behaviour

lbj - glad you got out. What a mess across the coutry. we are in for another artic blast tomorrow night thru Thursday early am. Hoping for  DD and bf to keep finding $ for motel. we can't do any more this month. I'll try to post a new topic about this tomorrow night.

So proud of your D14!

qcr    

Family T Session #30   2-3-11

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better   ch. 3

t:  mom, tell us what chapter 3 is all about.

me:  it is about feelings.  being able to identify our feelings and how to validate a persons' feelings.  it says there are 4 basic emotions. BPDd-13, do you know what they are?

BPDd-13:  sad, glad, mad, and afraid

me: yeah.  it says that sometimes we have conflicting emotions and that can cause us to be frustrated.  what happens when we get frustrated?

BPDd-13:  we get mad.

me:  when we talked on tuesday we started the conversation by you telling me that you had conflicting emotions. do you remember that?

BPDd-13:  I did?

me:  yes.  you were telling me that you were sad about having to leave your friends at falcon ridge and that  you were happy that you were getting close to being able to come back home.  do you remember?

BPDd-13:  oh yeah.  I want to come home more than I want to be with my friends.

t: what is important is that you understand that you have these emotions.  that you can identify with them and process them and therefore are able to make a conscious choice.  does that mean that the emotions go away?

BPDd-13:  no.

t:  once you achieve Wise Mind in this situation you can ask  yourself "what am I going to do with these emotions?" do you have an answer to that question in regards to this situation?

BPDd-13:  yes.  I am going to do what is best for me.

t:  great.  your Wise Mind skills gave you the opportunity to problem solve and cope with all of it.  ok mom, what else.

me:  the book talks about how our emotions affect our physical self and not just our feelings and thoughts.  it says that anger can have a physical symptom if it is left unresolved.  BPDd-13, have you ever noticed that when you get angry you have a physical reaction to it?

BPDd-13:  yes. I get like knots in my stomach sometimes.

me: it talks about people developing ulcers from having unresolved anger for a long time. so this is just another reason to identify emotions and deal with them in a healthy way.  the book talks about how fear can affect our bodies.  how does fear affect you?

BPDd-13:  my arms and hands get tingly and ache and feel kind of tired.

me:  how do you resolve this?

BPDd-13:  I just wait for it to go away.

me:  the book says that fear causes us to be short of breath.  do you think that the tingly sensations in your arms and hands could be because you are not taking deep breaths and there is a shortage of blood flow due to quick and shallow breathing?

BPDd-13:  maybe.

t:  if you take deep breaths this will calm down your whole body.  we have discussed this before when you begin to get upset.  I will remind you to take deep breaths so that oxygen can flow to your brain and you can get into your Wise Mind.  what else does it say mom?

me:  it talks about sadness affecting our chest area.  that sometimes we feel like our heart is breaking.  where do you feel the physical affects of sadness BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  in my shoulders and in my knees.  it's like my joints are creaky.

t:  your whole body is sad.  if  you were sad because you wanted to go somewhere and mom and dad didn't take you but you really feel like you need to go how would you handle that?

BPDd-13:  I would ask myself if this is a want or a need. I would have to  be in my Wise Mind to do it.

t:  good.  mom and dad may be able to understand your feelings if they are genuine.

me:  yes. I can be more empathetic when BPDd-13 expresses her feelings when in a state of Wise Mind.

t:  BPDd-13, lets talk about this. apathy is that you just don't care about someone else's feelings. empathy is being able to understand another persons feelings because you have experienced them yourself and can relate to it. sympathy is feeling sad for them because you care.  do you understand the differences between these?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

t:  ok lets move onto the next thing. what is next?

me:  the rules of validation. rule #1. give your full attention to the speaker.  if we do that then we are taking ourselves out and putting their needs first at the time.  how do you  understand this BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  it means don't be doing anything or thinking about anything else.

me: right. rule #2. listen for the feelings being expressed.  sometimes you might have to look for clues about what feeling they are having.

t:  yes because if someone is just venting and telling the facts of a situation from their point of view they may not tell you how it makes them feel.  there might also be underlying emotions they are not even aware of if they are not in their Wise Mind.

me: rule #3. listen for what the speaker needs.  with every emotion there is a need.  how can we know what they need once we understand how they feel BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  we can ask them in a calm way. like if they are afraid we can say that it is just a temporary feeling and it won't last forever.

me:  hummm.  do you think that might be invalidating to the person who is afraid?

t:  yes it might be.  you wouldn't like it if someone told you that and you were having very strong feelings of fear.  mom, what could you do if BPDd-13 was feeling afraid?

me:  I would ask myself what would I need if I was afraid.  I think I might like for someone to give me a hug or stay with me until I felt more secure.

t:  good.  what is the next one?

me: rule #4.  understand as best you can by putting yourself in that persons' shoes. 

t:  do you see how mom just did that when we were looking for a way to validate a person who is afraid?

BPDd-13:  yes. 

t:  if we invalidate someone we are hurting someone who is already hurting.  is it harder to validate someone if you don't agree with them?

me:  yea it can be until you become very comfortable with the validating process.  if you follow rule 1 and take  yourself out of the process until  you get to rule 4 it is much easier and genuine.

t: how do you let someone know that they are not meeting your need for validation and help?

BPDd-13:  tell them they are hurting and not helping.

t:  great!  in the future and in the here and now we need to be validating and receive validation in order to feel secure, cared for, and important.  when we receive validation and feel secure it is much easier to get into Wise Mind and problem solve.

BPDd-13:  at first I can get angry and think no one cares about me and I used to react by arguing.  now I think if I was validated and felt safe I could be reminded to get into my Wise Mind and even be able to problem solve. 

me:  if you told me about a problem you have and I tell you what you "should" do or "ought" to do how would you feel?

BPDd-13:  I would feel like you are trying to take away my personal power.

t: what could you say to mom and dad if they were to forget to validate and start giving  you solutions to your problem?

BPDd-13:  I could tell them that they are hurting and not helping right now.

t:  might you be able to tell them what would help you?

BPDd-13:  maybe, if is was in my Wise Mind I could.

t:  so you see how validation is a key component to achieving Wise Mind, feeling cared for, and being able to find solutions to your own problems?

BPDd-13:  yes.

t:  did you understand all of this in a way that makes sense for you?

BPDd-13:  yes.

t:  being in your emotional mind can really close the door to open communication.  invalidation can do the same. next week we will talk about chapter 4.

thanks for reading.

lbjnltx

thank you for taking this journey with me qcarol!  we are all in this together.  

we had a social call today w/BPDd-13.  she sounded a little down... .a bit disconnected... .said she has been doing school work and is still trying to get caught up.

she brightened up when I told her is just came from the post office to send her a valentines package.

i told her about the lodge we will be staying in when we come up in march.  she asked me "did lorneta say I would be graduating in march?"  I replied "that is up to you".  her reply to that

"GET MY TICKET READY".

doing the happy dance tonite! 

lbjnltx

Family T session #31  2-10-11

the conversation started with congrats for making the transitional unit... .no longer on probation. 

t:  there were lots of great comments on BPDd-13 at the staff meeting tuesday... .she has been struggling with intense emotions lately brought on by the transition and goal of going home.  her behavior has been stable even though she is in a heightened state of emotion at times. we are going to be working a lot on this.

BPDd-13:  I recognize that my emotions are valid and real, I just would like to control the intensity level more.

t:  we will keep working on imagery and Wise Mind.  I have told the staff when  you are having intense emotions to ask you to get into your Wise Mind and that it will help to calm  you. lets talk about chapter 4 of the book "i don't have to make everything all better". dad tell us what you thought was important in this chapter.

dh:  that it is important to practice good listening skills until you can master it as an art.  I also realize that it may be easier for older people who are more patient than young people. 

t:  mom, what was important that you learned from this chapter.

me:  that the art of listening is a technique that you develop through practice, that non verbals are important and that asking validating questions keeps communication flowing and can lead to problem solving.

t:  do you agree that mom and dad are working on developing good listening skills?

BPDd-13: yes. and I know I do have a short attention span.

t: yes.  while you were both talking she was fidgeting and looking out the window and moving around a great deal.  yet she heard everything you were saying.

me: when she was about 2 her preschool teacher told me that she could be playing with something and facing the opposite direction and still hear every word that is said.  I did not ever force her to look at me to assure myself she was listening. it was not necessary.  she is capable of multi tasking.  

t:  she is pretty bright and catches on quickly. when you get home BPDd-13 you will need to work on your non verbal communication.  people out in the business world and teachers in colleges want your undivided attention sometimes and it will be important for you to communicate with them that they have it.  they won't know what your mom or your preschool teacher knows about you.  mom and dad, can you work with her on that?

dh:  yes we will work together on it.

t: what else stood out to you in this chapter?

me: the non validating word "but".  as a general rule, if I can't substitute the word "and" for "but" then I have to consider whether or not what I am thinking about saying should even be said.

t:  right.  don't cancel out all the good with a 3 letter word. words that are helpful for validating questions are a big part of this chapter too.

me:  the words how, when, what, do, are words that can begin a validating question and create a safe environment for honest communication. so I will give that a try by asking BPDd-13 "how can we create a safe environment for you to share your feelings, thoughts, and details of your life honestly with us?"

BPDd-13:  well, if I come to you and I am honest about a mistake that I maade maybe if you don't punish me right away it would be easier to tell you about that stuff.

t:  first lets clarify punish from discipline.  punish means to hurt and discipline means to teach.  your parents don't ever want to hurt you and they do want to teach  you.  if you are honest about doing something your parents aren't going to protect  you from the consequences of that.  do you think just because you are honest that you should not have consequences?

BPDd-13:  no. like if I come in from school and mom asks me how my day was and I say 'horrible' and she asks me what happened and then I tell her the truth and then she grounds me or something that makes it harder to tell her why school was horrible.

me:  before, when you would come in I would say "hi sweety how was your day?" and you would say "horrible" then I would ask "did something bad happen at school today?" and you would just say "no, its just school that is horrible".  that shuts down communication. 

t: lets say that when BPDd-13 comes home that does happen.  what would you say to mom now?

BPDd-13: well, I would say "i got a bad grade because I didn't study for my test".  I don't want to be punished for the bad grade.

me:  I try not to add extra consequences to ones that are naturally occurring.  I would not discipline her for the bad grade.  I would however ask her to look at her priorities and see where she got off track and perhaps restrict the use of whatever it was that came between her and her homework... .like the xbox live or the computer.  in the past she would get online and refuse to get off and do homework.

t: BPDd-13 your grinning.  it sounds kind of silly now doesn't it.  is this going to be a problem when you go home?

BPDd-13:  no.

t:  you have matured a lot since you have been here. if you begin to struggle just be honest in your communication and ask for help. covering up a struggle or lying about it won't help you. changing your mindset about discipline being a help to you and not a punishment is a shift in your thinking.   ok, the chapter discusses indirect messages. do you practice this at home?

me:  we have a lot of that at home.  I reinforce this kind of behavior because I am pretty good at reading between the lines.  husband will say "i'm going to pass out!" and I know that  means he is hungry so I will reply "do you want me to make you something to eat?" or if I am feeling ornery I might say "did you forget where the refrigerator is again?".

BPDd-13:  I drew him a map from his chair in the den to the refrigerator.

t:  .  it sounds like you have a lot of fun at your house.  just don't be offended if people don't understand what you want when you use indirect messages.  BPDd-13, your life is not going to be easy.  you will have to deal with your intense emotions and it won't be all roses.  when you stay in  your Wise Mind you will do much better and be much happier.  let mom and dad help you by listening to cues and using the coping skills list. next week we will look mostly at chapter 6 and if there is something you want to discuss from ch 5 we can.

BPDd-13: love you mom, love you dad.  talk to you later.

me: love you too trans girl.

dh:  so proud of you and your accomplishments.

me:  bye sweetie.

lbjnltx

thanks for the encouraging words qcarol. 

just got this from my BPDd-13:

hi mom and dad,

im having a really good day today. I got 7 assignments done in English and history. no exaggeration at all. we went to a park and played and took pictures. i'll try to get you a copy of the pictures of me soon. I need more omega 369 and gummy vitamins. I got some good things out of family therapy today.

i love you guys


i can't wait to see her next month and bring her home... .have to write a graduation speech   I don't know how I will get through it without driving agnostics that might be there crazy or flooding the place with tears of joy

Dear lbj,

Still following your journey with your dd.  It is so uncanny how much your dd has reminded me of mine- the parallels... .except that your dd has learned so much - and has come so far.  The kinds of thinking problems your dd has had to work on are EXACTLY like the kinds of thinking problems my dd began to develop at 13-14 and I can tell you that they do not go away without intervention- just get worse. 

Your family has done well and although you are still learning communication etc-  the hope and promise that is in your posts has consistently and very visibly been on the increase for your dd and for your family.  From where your dd started to where she is - is incredible. 

And what you have posted is teaching lessons for all who need lessons in what to say and not to say.

If my dd is in my life again - which I pray she will be one day- if she makes it through her illness - and lives- ( I am very very scared about that all of the time) but if she comes back into my life- even though she is an adult- I am going to use so much from what I have learned by following your posts.  I  think what I have learned the most- is to empathize.  Put myself in her shoes and stay in Wise Mind - not emotion mind and not make it about my hurt feelings or her behavior. 

If only I knew so much of this even 3 years ago- and knew about this board- well I did not know about it and was very uneducated and without tools and without the proper knowledge.  My daughter has a lot of problems and has that partner who fuels her and dd has too many enablers too but somehow I have to find a way in and that is why I don't write here anymore too much... .always working on trying to find a starting place- like a foot in the door- and maybe I have found it possibly given partner, enablers and all ( time will tell- say prayers please) .  I have to think about dd's abnormal mindset and start from there.  And since my dd has had no instruction and has gained no insight like your dd has - I can only hope that by emulating the best I can- what you are doing and by empathizing that maybe in time - one day- there will be more peace between us and trust from her.  That is my dream. 

I think that you will write a fine speech and present it very well.  And if you get choked up here and there- that is okay.  That is not emotion mind.  That is love  . 

Much love,

   

wtsp

wtsp - I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that the opening to your D will show itself to her. I try to keep my Wise Mind engaged when even thinking about my DD24. It is so hard sometimes to not focus on my own feelings and needs and her behavior. I am so grateful that my DD has reached out to me - to see her daughter that husband and I are raising. I am grateful that her bf, that has helped her survive being homeless the past 15 months, is still there with her and treats her with respect and care. I hope that your D open her mind to what is there for her - esp. you her loving mom. I cannot imagine the painfulness you have endured. Keep working you plan and have the hope that things with shift and change so you can have contact again. And you will be ready when the time comes.

qcr        

lbj,

That is fantastic that your dd is progressing. She is making it through the final stages of residential treatment center. She has made tremendous progress during her stay.  Having a supportive family involved sure contributed to the progress.  I know that in residential treatment center that I worked at kids were there for years; however, they did not have a supportive family, either.  I would say that 99% of them were in the foster care system and bounced around in many homes.  Having the love and support from her parents I am sure has contributed greatly to your dd's success.  I am so happy for your family.

Your dd sounds so mature.  This has bean a great experience for her. I am glad that you found a great facility for your dd.  I know that you must be so proud of all of you.

Once again, thanks for the journey.


peaceplease

Positive Peer Culture Chapter 6   Family T session 2-15-11

#1 Positive Peer Culture is started at the student level T or F

nale:  what did you answer mom?

me: I answered true.

nale:  what did you answer BPDd-13?

BPDd-13: I answered false.

nale: why?

BPDd-13:  well, I figured the book was written by adults and the leadership for a group is adult so it must begin with the adults.

nale:  both answers are correct because it depends on the group.  if it is a new group then it is started by adults.  if it is an established group then to each new member added to the group it is started by the group members or students as the book calls them.

#2 Positive Peer Culture is started at the authority level and is filtered down. T or F

BPDd-13: I answered true

nale:  mom what did you put?

me:  I answered false.

nale:  once more it depends on the group.

#3. what are the first stage of development of individuals/new groups ?

BPDd-13: 1.casing

           2. limit testing

           3. polarization

           4. positive peer culture

nale:correct.

#4. Explain the casing stage.

me: this is an information seeking stage where members try to find out about each other and see who they can manipulate and use as a scapegoat.  members will be very defensive and avoid showing self.

nale: right.  they are feeling out the other members and seeing who can be used as a puppet, who is weak and can be blamed instead of taking accountability.  this is the stage where students try to convince their parents that they get it, they understand, they are ready to come home. they say that this place stinks and it won't help them. did you ever hear that from BPDd-13?

me:  no.

nale: 90% of them do.

me:  the first 3 weeks with no contact may have helped her with that.

dh:  I think that an emotionally strong person would be able to head off alot of this type of behavior if they are prepared for it and we were.

#5. Explain the limit testing stage.

BPDd-13:  members start to be vulnerable and gravitate towards cliques.

nale:  they are seeing what they can get away with, who they can push around. mom what did  you write for this one?

me: cliques form as members begin to reveal their personalities and negative behaviors, unauthentic positive participation occurs, negativism about each other and the Positive Peer Culture process are voiced and fronting goes on.  some individuals in the group will realize their own problems.  still not functioning as a positive group.

#6. Explain the polarization stage.

BPDd-13:  the stage where a decision is made to change and create new sets of values for yourself.

me:  the discovery of new ways of thinking and resulting in new ways of behaving.  cliques fall apart causing anxiety for those not ready to change resulting in some hostility.  others who are moving forward bond together with the common purpose of care and concern for self and others.

dh: this is the yes or no stage... .being open minded and seeing other ways or avenues of coping with problems.

nale:  every Positive Peer Culture teen and parent goes through this stage... .the polarization of values.  until  you practice Positive Peer Culture you won't know if it works.  most think it is too easy to be affective so they will sit on the fence and watch.  when they begin to see it's effectiveness then they must make a decision... .do I want to change and let go of the old stuff and use new tools or stay where I am?

me:  this sounds like it could take a long time for some people.

nale:  yes it can.  Positive Peer Culture can help them express themselves effectively and honestly.  it teaches to serve and allow yourself to be served.  also, its' members are vigilant about solutions and owning those solutions.  BPDd-13, are you polarizing more now or practicing Positive Peer Culture more?

BPDd-13:  Positive Peer Culture

nale:  I agree

#7  Explain the Positive Peer Culture Stage.

BPDd-13: a large clique with common positive goal of care and concern and problem solving skills shared among its' members.

nale: awesome.  this needs to happen at home.  how do you feel about your skills and care and concern for yourself and your family?

BPDd-13: my therapist said that I will be coming back for a while every summer so I can brush up on my skills.  I feel like they are good now and I am willing to use them at home.

me:  while we have discussed the availability of BPDd-13 coming back for a bit each year it is something we will have to evaluate the need for.  I understand that sometimes she has intense emotions and during those times it is difficult to remember skills.  I believe that she will return to care and concern for herself and others though.

dh:  I think she has a much better quality of life now and sees how much better her life will be and she will want to share that with others.  I think it will come naturally to her.

nale:  when she does that I have concerns about boundaries and the need to save and rescue others.  BPDd-13, you have to learn to take care of you and set good boundaries.

dh: mom has tried to teach all of us that we have to take care of ourselves if we want to be able to help others.

nale: yes, parents often want to do the work for the teens but they have to do it for themselves.

dh: if  you are practicing Positive Peer Culture is it possible that others can bring  you down?

nale:  absolutely.  that is why boundaries are important.  we tell the girls this "if someone is drowning and instead of extending a stick to help them out you jump in and then  you realize you don't know how to swim".  when she comes home, in her desire to help others she might forget to take care of herself.  in order for help to be valid they must be willing to help themselves.

me:  how would we know if she is over focused on someone else and not herself?

nale:  you may have to pry... .ask questions, read body language.  if she is overly concerned or preoccupied you will need to pull her back.

me:  I can see how what we worked on in individual therapy works with the Positive Peer Culture process.  BPDd-13 made a list of priorities.  what is the first one on your list?

BPDd-13:  self

me: so if  you are over focused on another person then you are not making self  a priority.  I know it is your desire to help others and I also know that there are limits on what we can actually do.  to help another person is not the same thing as solving their problems or controlling them... .we don't have the power to do that nor should we.

you could listen, validate, ask validating questions and offer solutions and that is all the power you really have.

nale:  open communication between all of  you and her understanding  your boundaries is important.  she may case, test, and polarize when she gets home.  I believe she will use her Positive Peer Culture skills too.

me:  I think she has a good understanding of our boundaries and our values.  I believe she will do well.

nale:  ok. lets do chapters 7 and 8 next time.

end of session

thanks for reading

lbjnltx

Thankyou lbjnltx for the link to the new book out in March for teenagers.

I have just pre ordered my copy.

I have followed your d's progress at the residential treatment center,and she is making excellent progress.I looked at back at  some of your much earlier posts when

your d was first dx and see just how far your d and your family have come, and it gives me hope that things can improve with the right kind of input.

lbj - this part really struck me as so very important for all of us to practice. And it helps me to continue to overcome the guilt that still pops up about "taking care of myself = being selfish". It is really the most caring thing I can do for others - to be doing my self-care stuff so I am calm, grounded and available.

Are you anxious about d14 coming home? It is coming soon, and I will be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. There is much hope, yet tempered with the reality of the transistion that will take place.

Thanks for sharing,

qcr         

What kind of commitment is needed for the neurofeedback - ie. number of sessions - to decide if it is helping? How do they evalutate progress? How is this different from 'biofeedback'? Are there any easy to read resources online I could check out - in case by some remote miracle DD ever gets her SSI and medicaid (and there is any funding left with our state - the record holder for 50th out of 50 for mental health support!)

Thanks,

qcr

Thanks for the info. sounds really very different than biofeedback I did years ago. much more focused. I will check it out.

qcr