12-2-10

Family Therapy Session #22

we started the session w/BPDd-13 telling me that one of her project horses, mijo, is now under saddle and he didn't seem to even mind being sat upon.  i asked her if she had been working w/him a great deal and she said "no, not really".  i told her that the time in between training sessions is important too.  that is when mijo processes information and has the option to accept or rebel his previous lessons. her therapist jumped in and said "just like teens do".  i replied "just like we all do" and we all had a good chuckle.

the therapist wanted to talk about honesty.  my BPDd-13 told me she had not been completely honest with us about smoking marijuana.  she said she never did that and only told us she did because "i thought you suspected me of it and because I wanted you to trust me I told you that I did".  i asked her if she thought that made sense and she said "no..not really".  i told her that I knew she had past opportunities to experiment w/marijuana and because she had a pattern of making poor choices for herself that it was a possibility.  i also told her that I am glad she did not have the mountains of drug addiction or alcohol addiction to climb as well as the mountain of her behaviors.  i asked her how close to the mountain top she believes she is.  she didn't seem to understand the analogy so her therapist stepped in and said "we have been working on that.  mom is referring to what we call reaching goals."

the therapist then asked my BPDd-13 to list her goals and where on a scale of 1-10 she believes she is with that goal.

relationship w/mom and dad               8

willingness to communicate feelings    7.5

controlling emotions                          9

feeling sad                                       10

school                                              3

controlling anger                                7

boundaries for self                             6

boundaries w/horses                          8

respect from horses                           9

the therapist :  "all of these goals need to be between 8 and 10 before you are ready to graduate and return home.  even though school is a 3 it is still much progress because you started at a -10.    BPDd-13 has identified writing as part of the reason she so dislikes school so we are looking at other options for her.  perhaps the school will allow her to use a computer to do much of her written work.  are there any goals you can think of mom and dad to add to the list?"

me:  self motivation

BPDd-13:  i would say that is at about a 5 right now.

dh:  patience

BPDd-13:  i guess about a 6

t:  how about honesty.  

BPDd-13:  i would give myself a 7

dh:  taking no for an answer and trying to see the situation from a parents perspective.  what if you were the parent and I asked you if I could go to tina's house for a birthday party and that tina's mom was going to take us to the movies and then back to her house by 10. what would you say (at this point I am thinking what is tina's moms' name and phone number)?

BPDd-13:  i would ask for tina's moms' number so I could call her and talk to her myself.

me:  you sound like me BPDd-13.

everyone laughs again.

dh:  ok so if I say "i'm going to a party w/some friends" what would you say?

BPDd-13:  NO!

everyone laughs again.

t:  so why did you say no?  

BPDd-13:  because I don't know enough facts or who is going to be supervising the party.

t:  so anytime you want to put yourself in your parents shoes think about whether or not you would let your little friend m do what you are asking to do.

BPDd-13:  yeah.

t:  so, is everyone ready for the home visit?

BPDd-13:  Yes!

dh/i:  Yes!

t:  BPDd-13 will be bringing home a rough draft of the home contract.  while she is at home this month I want you all to work on it and type it up.  when BPDd-13 returns to falcon ridge we will make any needed adjustments.  the contract is to be reviewed once she graduates and is home every 3 months.  some things will most likely be relaxed or eliminated depending on how she is doing.  if she is not doing well some things may need to be put back in the contract.  the hope is that eventually there will be no need for the contract.  at my house, with my teens, all the rules on the refrigerator have been replaced with just one rule.  do you know what that rule is BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  give respect always and to everyone.

t:  right!

dh:  i have an important business call coming in so I must go now.

t:  BPDd-13 has filled out a lot of the contract already on her own.  is there anything you want to talk about that needs to be in the contract mom?

me:  i need to tell BPDd-13 that there is a problem with her iphone.  the cell company now required all iphones to have internet connection and charges $30/month.  it is no longer an option to have internet on iphones.  it is a requirement so BPDd-13 will not be getting her iphone back.  

BPDd-13:  no!  i love my iphone. that's not fair.  can we switch to another cell company?

me:  we are under legal contract with the cell company and cannot switch.  we will look at getting  you another phone.

t:  do you see that this is not something mom and dad can have any control over?

BPDd-13:  i want my iphone though.

t:  i know that you are disappointed.  can you get this into perspective?

me:  i know it really stinks when things are forced upon you and your choices are taken away.  i hope that with time you can get  your perspective and see that in the larger scheme of life this incident is small.

BPDd-13:  i know...i'm just not happy about it.

me:  me neither.

t:  since we are talking about perspective lets take a quick look at priorities again.

BPDd-13:  self, family, happiness, fairness, responsibilities, friends, church.

me:   there seems to be some changes in your list.  tell me what responsibilities include.

BPDd-13:  school, sports, Positive Peer Culture, therapy

me:  so sports and Positive Peer Culture group are things you want to do right?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

me:  so are you saying that fun things come w/responsibility too?

BPDd-13:  yes sometimes they do.

me:  so our responsibilities add enrichment to our lives and help us grow as people and are good for us.  would you agree?

BPDd-13:  yes.

me:  so school is good for you right?

BPDd-13:  whoa!  that's going to far!

we all laugh

t:  the negative mindset about school makes it much harder to achieve success there BPDd-13.  mom, we have been looking at some of the positives about school.  BPDd-13 says she has a great deal of trouble focusing and concentrating at school so it may be necessary to enlist the schools help in addressing these issues.

me:  BPDd-13 you have worked so hard and accomplished so much.  when you come home we want you to be successful.  we want to help you set yourself up for success.  dad and I have talked about a few things and would like for you to think about changing your cell phone number as well as your email address.

BPDd-13:  but my phone number is so easy to remember.

me:  we can get you another number that is easy to remember.

t:  who has your old cell #?

BPDd-13:  all my old friends.

t:  were they all good influences?

BPDd-13: no

t:  so the only way for mom and dad to know that they aren't calling you is if they don't have your phone number.

me:  i would also like for you to think about removing movies, books, and music from your room that may not promote a positive self image.

BPDd-13:  does that mean I can't have my scary movies?

me:  i am asking you to give it some thought whether or not these things set you up for success or influence you negatively.

BPDd-13:  you don't believe in me.

t:  that is not what mom said.

BPDd-13:  that is what she means.

t:  you are in  your emotional mind and need to return to your Wise Mind. can you do that?  pause...i think we need to table this for now.

BPDd-13 can you tell your mom good bye now?

BPDd-13:  by mom I love you.

me:  by sweety I love you too and I am proud of you for all that you have accomplished, I believe in you very very much.  

so what started well did not end well.  this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning the home contract...we haven't even talked about monitored computer access, net nanny, parental controls on the tv, whether or not she will have xbox live again or when, etc...

this am husband and I talked about when to bring her home...it seems like she has already been gone a year.  his concern is $ as it pertains to the well being of the family...i know this is a factor but for me it is not the determining factor.  for me it is the  ?  will she be ready at the end of month 8?  will she be able to practice and sustain all of her tools at home?  in the end we decided to leave this up to the Lord and listen for His answer of guidance.

thanks for staying with me on this journey.

lbjnltx

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BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

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Reading this makes me realizes how much ground I don't have. I started to say lost, but never had any to start with. I would give my eye teeth to have this kind of therapy with my D24. I have to say my immediate thought there at the last when your D said that you didn't believe in her was "where did that come from?"  You're going along well, even laughing..then out of the blue, here it comes. I'm not implying your D hasn't made progress..I can see that she's come SUCH a long way. I was just caught off guard by her statement. I imagine your T will address that at the next session.

You asked in your last thread if I'd received my book yet. No. Actually, I don't know as I've been too sick to get to the post office and DH hasn't been getting home until WAY after they lock the doors. Hopefully this will pass soon and I can get up there and see if it's come in yet.

thank you for reading and the inquiries.


no she does not.  she did not qualify for one as she had minimal problems at school  until the last 3 months of her 7th grade year...5 days after school was out she went to the residential treatment center.


from the dark mind of a pwBPD. :'(


i imagine the therapist addressed it as soon as I hung up the phone. and yes, we will discuss this during our next session.


she has the complete collection of "amityville horror" movies, and a few other various movies.  her favorite animated movies are "corpse bride" and "9"... dark!


an internet monitoring device that can block/report unacceptable activity according to the security standard you set.


we originally planned for 9 months...finances may dictate that we have to cut it to 8 months or maybe 8.5 if falcon ridge will allow her to stay less than a full month...they price it by the day so they probably would ok that.  we must give a 30 day written notice of withdrawal from the program according to our contract.


originally I was told that there was scholarship money available.  we requested 2 months...$14k...we got about $635...they applied most of it to the pdoc bill as he is out of network so his fees were not paid by our insurance.  the rest went towards the next months tuition...about 225.00.  we are grateful for whatever we can get of course.  we could borrow $ but my husband won't do it.  he has already spent all of our savings...it is just too much for him as he will be 63 in january...with no retirement plan/savings. ;p


prior to 6,7th grade in public school she was in a private school...this is where all our problems started...the private school 4th grade...when she comes home she will not return to the same public school.  she will go to another public school...very small...in another little town.  so small that elementary--high school share common areas of the building...7 man football, 1A school.  they are very attentive to helping kids w/special needs as this is where her little friend m from next door as well as m's big sister are now going to school...built in friends!

i don't recall that you did.  anyway...i know what you mean.

aok!

thank you for the kind words and vote of confidence qcarol,

we go up to utah on the 19th ... we start the family therapy "weekend" on the 20 at 8am and will finish on the 21st at 5 pm.  we will stay in utah that nite and all fly home together on the 22nd.  BPDd-13 will be home until she flies out on the 29th to return to the program.

lbjnltx

ps  I was looking for my BPDd-13's iphone in her room yesterday and found a book I had bought her when she was 5.  it is called "his little princess...treasured letters from your King"...i am wishing it to your gd5 for Christmas...it is inscribed "hit_, remember God loves you! mommy

an awesome kid.  I reply ... I think so too.  case manager tells me BPDd-13 has awesome parents...what a complement.



Of course, she has awesome parents!

You have been awesome with all the sharing on this site.  You always seem to have some great feedback. 

Looking forward to reading about the next session.

peaceplease

dear pennifree,

thanks for the info on the computer program...it may come in handy in the future.

may all your beautiful dreams come true!



lbjnltx

    

It is great to hear that you DD is doing so well.  I just wanted to share a bit of my 15yoDD experiences of late..  She spent 7 months is residential therapy and seemed to be doing so well.  She would make promise after promise that she would use all she learned in therapy when she came home.  Well, she has been home since 10/24/10 and slowly, but absolutely certainly, she is back to most of her same behaviors.  She is volatile, moody, nasty, mean, lies, purging, starving herself!  Just be very, very aware that things may go back to the old ways once she is home.  I even mentioned putting my DD back in residential and her therapist told me that she would simply skate through, do everything she's supposed to and probably return back to same old behaviors (My DD happened to be a master at manipulation and has fooled many, many counselors, therapists...).  I truly hope with all my heart that this does not happen with your daughter.  I am again at my wits end and it hasn't been near as long as I endured before treatment and I try to find the strength everyday to keep going with her.  She is in aftercare with 3 different therapists, but almost everything is a constant battle; school, homework, chores, computer, phone, isolating, cussing, yelling, screaming... She had absolutely none of this at RTC.   It was so nice to have my daughter back for a short period of time and now I think I miss it even more than before she went to RTC!  I am truly not trying to burst your bubble or bring you down; (it sounds like she is doing great) I just wanted to share what happened in my situation.  I truly in my heart believed my DD was going to use all of what she learned when she got home, but after about 3 weeks, it's been down hill from there which each day seeming to get worse and worse..

Debbirazz: I had the same experience as you. Our son was in residential treatment for 21 months and did great while he was in a structured environment with a scheduled routine. He even graduated high school there with honors! But slowly, as he came home, he was back to his old behaviors. He is master at manipulating also. He could convince Eskimos to buy ice...

I hope ibjnltx has a better outcome. Not to be negative... but be prepared...there are no guarantees. Maybe yours will be one who follows through on what she has learned!...Best of luck to you.

Familt T Session #24  12-16-10

BPDd-13: started the call by telling me she has earned earring privilege.  she said she would get some of her earrings when she comes home.

t:  she earned the privilege for the positive way she is dealing with the situation w/mijo...one of her project horses that she found out is leaving the ranch. 

BPDd-13:  I got in trouble yesterday though for being defiant towards staff.  she told us we couldn't eat before our chores so I told her i'm not doing my chores.  the group helped me to see that I was hurting everyone by being defiant.  I didn't have to go to the rec room for self time and to protect the group so it all came out ok. 

me:  what did the group do to help you?

BPDd-13:  some of them came off mean but there were a few who were nice so it made it easier to understand that I was not helping them or myself by being defiant.

t:  this is from a thinking error on her part that things are always supposed to be fair.  is it realistic to expect everything to be fair all the time for everyone?

BPDd-13:  no.

t:  sometimes if what is fair for you is done then that means that what is fair for someone else won't get done.  so you are only looking at yourself.  what does "fair" mean?

dh:  every one's needs get met.

me:  the rights and respect of everyone is considered and shown.

t:  all the time?

BPDd-13:  no

t:  compromising needs to happen in order to reach as close to a fair decision as possible.  BPDd-13 has been working on having an open mind and willingness to compromise when it comes to her video games.  what have you decided about the games?

BPDd-13:  I don't know.

t:  I recall from our therapy session yesterday that you said you were not going to shut down, and you were willing to talk about it w/mom and dad.  we used an analogy with mijo.  if mijo gets access to bad hay and he is hungry he will eat that bad hay because he doesn't understand the possible consequences of the bad hay making him sick.  just as you don't believe or understand the bad consequences of playing violent games.  in the end the games will not make  you happy.

what will it look like at home when you have to make a decision about the games?

BPDd-13:  (no response)

me:  if we think about this with our Wise Mind we can more clearly see how to make a decision.

t: when you first got here you drew a road map.  the destination is going home for good.  along the road there were goals that had to be met to reach your destination.  also along the road were side roads that would  detour you from reaching your destination.  we discussed how everything is connected.  when  you think about things not being fair think about how everything is connected.  the side roads you take will lead  you further from your goals.  this is something you need to realize.

me:  I see what you mean t.  BPDd-13 have you ever heard the saying "put good in get good out"?

BPDd-13:  yes.  I know that if I take a side road I will have to travel all the way back to get back on the right track.

t:  at home we want to focus on the positives.  I want you and your family to create a paper chain with positive memories written by all of you on each link.  I think that if you focus your energy on positive things you will find you don't have the time or the need for negative things like violent video games.

BPDd-13:  I don't think they are negative.  they are a stress reliever for me and I think I should be rewarded for all the progress I have made. they aren't rewarding me by taking away something I like.

t:  there are many ways to be rewarded...not just by giving things.  they are coming here and taking you back with them to your home.  isn't that a reward?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

t:  ok. so don't put that on mom and dad.  this is black and white thinking...another of your thinking errors.  will the home visit and Christmas be good without the video game you want?

BPDd-13:  not as good.

t:  what is Christmas about?

BPDd-13:  spending time with your family.

t:  mom and dad what is Christmas about for you?

me:  it is a celebration of the birth of our savior Jesus Christ.

t:  is this what Christmas is about for you?

BPDd-13:  I don't know.

t: she needs time to process this.

dh:  God gave us the gift of His Son and we give gifts to each other to show His love to one another.  does that help you understand better?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

t:  BPDd-13, are you in your emotional mind right now or your Wise Mind?

BPDd-13:  wise.

t:  before you learned to get into your emotional mind what would you do in a situation like this?

BPDd-13:  plug my ears.

t:  you have come a long way.  you will not always get your way.  thank  you for being honest about your feelings.  did that change the outcome about getting the game?

BPDd-13:  no.

t:  understanding doesn't mean you get what you want.  you have parents wanting to protect  you just like you would want to protect mijo.  it sometimes won't be what we want to hear but it is nice to know that we are cared about.

dh:  what is making you so sad?

BPDd-13:  not getting the game.  that you don't trust me.

me:  I would like to focus on the positive and move away from possible negatives.

dh:  yes, lets have good influences in our lives as much as we can.

BPDd-13:  can I buy the game for myself w/my own money?

t:  whose visit is the home visit?  does dad have a right to say what he allows in his home since he pays the bills?

BPDd-13:  it's every one's' visit and yeah he has that right.

t:  if you need to relieve stress what other choices do you have?

BPDd-13:  it's too cold to go outside and play basketball or something.

t:  you are stuck.

BPDd-13:  no i'm not.

t:  we need to table this once more.

me:  we encourage you take make as many choices for yourself as you are able.  if you don't demonstrate to us that you are able then we will have to make some of the choices for you.

t:  if mom and dad notice you isolating and becoming more aggressive and believe that the video games are part of the problem then what will you do?

BPDd-13:  I was less aggressive when I played the games because they relieved my stress.  it's like exposure therapy.

me:  EXPOSURE THERAPY?

t:     exposure therapy.

BPDd-13:  (crying)  you are laughing at me.

t:  no i'm not laughing at you.  i'm just surprised by you and your intelligence once more and you are so cute.  you know I would not laugh at you.

BPDd-13:  I would leave the game alone if it hurts me. I feel like you are laughing at me.

t:  you know me well enough by now to understand that I don't laugh at you right?

BPDd-13:  yeah. (still crying)

t:  we need to end our therapy call for today.

we said our goodbyes and BPDd-13 still had the ability to tell us she loves us.

one hour and 15 minutes later:

Positive Peer Culture Therapy Session

the session began w/nali letting BPDd-13 and I talk while he conferences in dh.  she was telling me how she got to drive the mule while the equine specialist rode mijo and practiced roping a dummy steer she was pulling.  also she told me that another cowboy working with the horses stood on mijo's back and that she got to sit on him bareback.

we started the session:

Question 1:

Positive peer culture is based on what application?

a. peer respect

b. peer unity

c. peer concern

d. all of the above

nali:  what did you get for that mom and dad?

me:  we put c. peer concern

nali:  BPDd-13 what did you put for your answer?

BPDd-13:  d.  all of the above..

nali:  the answer is c.  peer concern.  mom why did you put c?

me:  well the question is what is it based on.  while all the other applications are components of Positive Peer Culture they are based on concern for one another and build on that foundation of concern.

nali:  right.  wonderful (he says that a lot )  BPDd-13 needs to be concerned about mom and dad and  herself.  you focus everywhere else

accept on yourself when it comes to being concerned.

Question 2:

A student in a Positive Peer Culture group enters the group to be in what seat?

a. hot seat

b. help seat

c. love seat

d. angry seat

nali:  what did you get for answer #2 BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  b. help seat

nali:  why is this a big deal?

BPDd-13:  if you truly want to help the hot seat will only lead to frustration. 

nali:  being willing to ask for help and be open to help is important.  is it realistic for someone to expect help only on their terms?

BPDd-13: no.

nali:  mom and dad what did you put for your answer?

me:  b. help seat. 

nali:  do you agree that it is unrealistic to expect help only on your terms?

me: yes, because sometimes our terms are that they solve our problems for us or give us permission to continue in the same problem behaviors.  if someone is concerned for us and wants to help us they will not do that.

nali: wonderful.  BPDd-13, how did you see the help mom and dad were trying to give  you at home?

BPDd-13:  as an attack

Question 3:

The foundations of Positive Peer Culture are:?

a. care

b. mutual trust

c. concern

d. all of the above

nali:  what do you have for your answer BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  I circled d. all of the above.

nali:  wonderful.  which of these areas do you think you struggle with the most as a family?

BPDd-13:  trust. 

nali:  what have you learned to increase the level of trust from mom and dad?

BPDd-13:  learning better coping skills.  learning what true love and caring is from my family.

nali:  how will they know you are for real?

BPDd-13:  by putting it into action and experiencing me using my coping skills with their support.

nali:  what have you learned about choices?

BPDd-13:  that they have consequences good and bad.

nali: what does trust mean to you dad?

dh:  open and honest communication of our feelings.

nali:  wonderful.  BPDd-13 what does help with this look like?

BPDd-13:  with help and using coping skills to stay in my Wise Mind I have learned to better trust myself but i'm still working on that.

nali:  mom, what does trust mean to you?

me:  it means that we believe in her ability to make some decisions for herself.  and it also means that she can believe that the decisions we make for her are truly in her best interest.  BPDd-13, would you believe that I was a good parent if I allowed you to have or bought for you a video game that was rated M for mature, 17 years and up?

BPDd-13: I think it would depend on the game.  but the games I have and want are T for teen.

me:  no they are not.  I looked at the games we are talking about and they are rated M for mature. 

nali:  is it necessary for you to have the games?  will it help you?

BPDd-13:  they are my stress relievers.

nali:  you are making excuses to get what you want. do you see that?

BPDd-13:  (crying again) yeah, they never made me more aggressive before so I don't see why...

nali:  now you are justifying.  destinguishing between need and want are important.

me:  we are trying to be in the help seat based on concern for you BPDd-13. 

nali:  being honest and talking this out is a good way to problem solve.

BPDd-13: what is the point of talking?

nali:  it is a parents responsibility to protect and provide.  if they compromise their standards on the games then you will expect them to compromise on other things as well.  this is not showing concern and protecting you.  let move on to the next question.

Question 4:

What is anxiety?

a. feeling bad

b. body's natural warning system

c. a signal

d. hyperactivity

nali:  mom what is the answer you put?

me:  b. problem solving.  it is my experience that most anxiety is based on past experience.

nali:  wonderful.  mom read the next one please.

Question 5:

Ppc makes a distinction between controlling problems and _____?

a. a behavior problem

b. solving problems

c. observable behavior

d. insufficient problems

nali: BPDd-13 what is the answer?

BPDd-13:  b. solving problems.

nali:  how are we going to solve this problem? solving problems is spending energy in a positive way.  right now you are shutting down.  why? 

BPDd-13:  if I can't play the game on xbox live I won't be able to talk to my cousin and he needs help.

nali:  once more you are doing what you always do..which is what?

BPDd-13:  focus on someone else instead of myself.

nali:  how can you help him if you can't help yourself?  what do you want to do right now?

BPDd-13:  go home.

nali:  what if you can't handle things at home appropriatly?  you shut down when mom and dad take a stand. 

BPDd-13: (crying)

nali:  we are going to stop for now.

dh:  will you call and let mom know how she is doing later.  she worries sometimes.

nali:  yes. I will.

we said our good byes and once more BPDd-13 sent us her love.

i did not hear back from nali.  we leave on sunday to go to utah to the family weekend for therapy and will bring BPDd-13 home for Christmas...home wed. the 22nd-29th.  for Christmas we bought her a new saddle (w/grammi and pawpaws help), the move "dispicable me" and an alarm clock for her room.

thanks for traveling this road with me...it would be so lonely without all of you.


lbjnltx

lbj - my thoughts an prayers as you journey to have your weekend in Utah and home with d14. Though the game issue is a tough one, d14 seems to be putting more into thinking. What other avenues are for her to 'stress relief' - she so emphasizeds this. And has the types or sources of this stress been included in the conversations?

The love in your family is so evident - even in d14's resistence.

qcr  

Setting the rating limit is a good boundary, and no Xbox Live anyway with no internet access in the house - the whole game question becomes a moot point really. And how does this live game 'help my cousin'. T probably has these questions out there - just thought maybe the question to her of what other thinking she has done for relieving stress. Perhaps she is using this as a test point for you all in this visit.

Hope sharing these random thoughts is OK. Take what you can use and just leave the rest.

qcr

Dear lbjnltx,

I hope you are enjoying time with you DD as I type this. I hope everything goes well with her visit. Stay strong and please let us know how it goes. I am thinking of you.

   

greetings dear friends,

so sorry to read that so many have had to deal with major crisis' this Christmas.  stay strong and true to your values and you will make it to another day that holds some promise. 

our home visit has been awesome.  I have been trying to journal daily (at the request of BPDd-13's therapist at the residential treatment center) and will post the daily details once I get my precious BPDd-13 back to falcon ridge.

God bless

lbjnltx